Work Text:
Seunghyub doesn't realise the change at first.
On his first day of his third decade on Earth, everything seems just about as normal as before. It seems significant, to have a big three-o attributed to his name, but it's a Wednesday and Seunghyub is more preoccupied with getting to the office on time than moping about the inherent fragility of the human ageing process.
Anyways, he already exhausted his moping capacity last night. Nothing like waiting up till midnight in a fugue state of loneliness, picking at a container of tteokbokki that's colder than he'd like it but can't be bothered to heat up again. What he wouldn't give for his mother's short ribs and a serving of daltteok from the place near his old highschool. Daegu seems so far away nowadays, never enough time off to take a trip home or too much work keeping him in the office over the holiday periods. The last time he went back home was Chuseok two years ago, as his mother helpfully reminded him last night, hopeful but resigned when he mentioned how many projects he's been placed on.
He pushes the thought away from his mind, swiping away the missed call notification from his sister and stepping onboard the subway, trying his best to maneuver his 181 centimetres through the dense crowd.
Late, I'm going to be so late!
Shit, I shouldn't have stayed up so late last night, I'm going to fall asleep in class —
Aish, young people these days, does this punk even realise that his elbow's right in my face...
"Ah, sorry," Seunghyub reacts absently, shuffling to the side and squeezing his elbow to his ribs, "I didn't realise."
The ahjussi squished next to him regards him bemusedly, but nods a reluctant acknowledgement anyways.
Seunghyub goes back to his phone, hastily replying to all his birthday well-wishes with a roughly uniform response, not one second extra expended on how the ahjussi's mouth had never once opened.
The incident on the train is something that Seunghyub forgets about as soon as he gets into the office.
For one, there's a not insignificant number of tokens left on his desk. Anything ranging from handmade chocolate to cards to cute stationery. He tenses involuntarily.
"Wow," he says, forcing himself to sound relaxed, turning around and clapping his hands together. Frantic rustling as people swiftly turn back to their screens or retract their necks back into their cubicles, "what have I done to deserve this?"
"It's your birthday, isn't it, Seunghyub sunbaenim?" One of his junior colleagues pipes up shyly, two rows down. Titters echo around the office. "Happy birthday!"
"Do you have plans tonight?"
"How does it feel to be thirty!"
Seunghyub hides a grimace as he gathers the gifts and offloads them into a drawer for now. He'll think of a way to redistribute them later, hopefully without hurting anyone's feelings.
"Just like any other day really," he says, reminding himself to stay upbeat, "I might get dinner with a friend tonight, but nothing special."
"We could get dinner together." Someone out of his view chirps.
"We could all go and get dinner together." Someone else adds, tone curdled. "Sunbaenim should be celebrated, you do so much for the company!"
"Ah well," Seunghyub falters, fingers rattling across his keyboard as he tries to login. Password incorrect, "I was really thinking of a quiet night..."
"Nonsense," a hand claps down on his shoulder, "Jisoo-ssi is right, we should all go out and celebrate you — I'm sure the general manager will agree to using the company card if it's for you, Seunghyub-ssi."
He can't turn this down surely, the general manager would lose face for sure.
Seunghyub freezes and looks up. His manager is looking down at him kindly, waiting for a response. That... that didn't sound like something he'd say out loud.
"Huh?"
"We should all go out after work," his manager repeats again, squeezing his shoulder. How odd, Seunghyub isn't usually this — He lifts his hand off Seunghyub's shoulder and the hollow-sounding words cut off in the same breath, "come on Seunghyub-ssi, you only turn thirty once. I didn't get the same offer when I turned thirty."
"That's very kind," Seunghyub says slowly, trying to sort out his muddle of thoughts. What was that all about? Those intrusive thoughts that rattled inside his head, like they should be his but were entirely foreign, "I — if the general manager is agreeable, of course, I'll accept his kindness."
"Great," his manager beams, looking more excited at the prospect of company-paid drinks than anything else, "I'll confirm with him and we'll all go together later."
"Yay!"
"Looking forward to it, Seunghyub sunbaenim!"
"Excited for it sunbaenim!"
Seunghyub stares at his monitor, screen paused on a little error message saying that he's been locked out for entering his password incorrectly too many times.
Figures.
"Sunbaenim!"
Every time someone's called his name today, it's felt harder and harder to stitch himself into the kind hardworking employee he's meant to be. Seunghyub feels like he's unspooling more and more as the day goes on, between their inefficient IT desk who he spent forty minutes in the queue for, and fragments of intrusive thoughts coming to him that don't quite feel like his own.
Seunghyub turns his head with what he hopes is an amiable smile. A messy head pops into his vision and — oh, Hweseung. Now he has the opposite problem, trying hard to stop his lips from curling up higher.
"Hweseung-ah," he spins around in his chair, "what can I do for you?"
"Nothing really," Hweseung laughs, scratching the back of his neck. His tie is skewed slightly to the side, knot loose. Seunghyub's fingers itch, "I just, I'm sorry I didn't realise it was your birthday today, sunbaenim. I only heard about it this morning, so I figured I'd get you something small. It's really nothing but — " He extracts his hand from behind his back, a cold can of coffee in his grasp that Seunghyub identifies immediately as being from the vending machine two floors down. "This is for you."
He reaches out to place it in Seunghyub's open hand, fingers briefly grazing Seunghyub's palm.
— hope he doesn't think it's weird or cheap, sunbaenim just looks so stressed today —
"It's not weird." Seunghyub blurts, emotion catching oddly in his chest. It's only when he looks at Hweseung's confused moue that he realises his mistake. "I mean — thank you Hweseung-ah, I mean. I appreciate it."
"Of course," Hweseung furrows his brows, looking for all the world like he wants to say something else, "sunbaenim, forgive me for asking, but — are you feeling okay today? If you're not... the hwesik after work..."
"I'm perfectly fine," Seunghyub musters a grin, shaking the coffee can in his hand as emphasis, "better now with some caffeine. You're a lifesaver, Hweseung-ah, don't worry about me."
"Okay sunbaenim," Hweseung nods, hesitant curve tugging at the corner of his mouth, "happy birthday again, I'll see you around?"
"See you around." Seunghyub gives him a little wave and watches Hweseung turn and walk back to the other side of the floor.
He takes an absent sip of the coffee — even though it's black, no sugar, it's the sweetest thing he's tasted all day.
Seunghyub would like to clarify: he does not have a crush on Hweseung.
Crushes are for middle and high schoolers and Seunghyub's certainly out of range of either. He's just protective of him, is all, a mentoring sense of care.
Hweseung entered the company this year with the rest of the new graduate cohort, and stood out to Seunghyub immediately for the way his face looked so baby bunny sweet, eyes drinking in everything from the water cooler to the monitor arms with awe. It was clear that he'd never worked in an office in his life, something he confirmed shyly when doing his self introduction to Seunghyub's team. He'd already done his military service straight out of highschool, signed up by a traitor of a friend, and then finished his degree in business administration, and well, now he was here and he'd work hard, would everyone please take good care of him?
Most of Hweseung's onboarding had been done with Seunghyub and it was just. Cute. The way he scrunched his face up to concentrate when Seunghyub was explaining something and scribbled things down frantically when he thought Seunghyub wasn't looking. He's not exactly the quickest learner but he is the hardest worker amongst the newbies, in Seunghyub's opinion. Usually he's the last one on the floor, but more often than not, he finds Hweseung sticking around too, plodding away at a spreadsheet someone had passed onto him to finish or attending to some tedious filing.
It's just. It makes Seunghyub feel tickled funny whenever he catches sight of Hweseung's side profile throughout the day, warm when he glimpses the soft biteable pudge of Hweseung's cheek when he cups his face in his hands during long meetings.
It's not a crush though. Even if Hweseung's since been poached by another area, even if he gives Seunghyub these bright little greetings whenever they pass each other in the halls that make Seunghyub's chest tighten. It's just not.
The day ticks to a close and still, the general manager doesn't emerge from the office to hustle everyone to dinner. Seunghyub looks around the office at all of his colleagues, staring blankly at their monitors, and has the awful dawning thought that this might've just been a massive plot to squeeze out more work from everyone else.
He stands up cautiously from his desk, about to search out his manager because it really is creeping up to 9pm and everyone shouldn't be kept around if there isn't a company dinner on the schedule.
"Alright! Wrap up everyone, the general manager is already waiting for us!"
Just in time, Seunghyub supposes, not without a considerable amount of dread.
"Man of the hour!" His manager crows, slapping his back heartily.
— can't wait to get him drunk tonight! Yaho!
Urgh. Seunghyub's stomach lurches. His alcohol tolerance has been worsening ever since he hit 25 and no amount of hangover cures are going to save him if he overdoes it.
But — he looks around helplessly at his colleagues who have all perked up at the prospect of free food and drinks, chattering together in front of the elevators and looking towards him. He can't exactly decline when so many people are expecting him to come along and enjoy himself.
"Oh sunbaenim," Hweseung's voice sounds out from behind him, "have fun tonight, are all of you going out now?"
Inspiration strikes.
"Hweseung-ah," he grabs Hweseung's wrist impulsively, "you should come along. You were part of the team before, we'd love to have you."
???
Seunghyub lets go of Hweseung like he's been burnt, reigning himself in.
"Are you inviting Hweseungie?" One of his sunbaenims calls, cocking her head to the side. Choa waves her hand in a beckoning motion. "Hweseung-ssi, please come! We never had a hwesik with you when you were with our team! Surely you're done for the day, right?"
Several more voices chime in, welcoming him to join. Seunghyub can't fault them. Hweseung's cute face is a noona killer.
"I'll make sure he comes!" Seunghyub calls, grateful for the ding of the elevator as it arrives on their floor. No way could he and Hweseung squeeze in anyways. "Please order without us first and give the general manager my thanks!"
"We better see you there!" Choa orders them, oddly domineering despite her stature. "I mean it!"
Hweseung gives the elevator full of people a weak wave, waiting for it to close before turning to Seunghyub.
"That was a sudden invitation?" Hweseung says mildly but it rings accusatory in Seunghyub's ears.
"I..." Seunghyub falters. He doesn't know how to respond, how to best respond to whatever Hweseung is thinking.
What he's thinking. Wait. Could he maybe...
It's a crazy idea but Seunghyub's been feeling crazy for most of the day. What's one more thing, really.
He pretends to get distracted by a pen mark on Hweseung's hand, snatching it up. "Hweseung-ah, did you hurt yourself here, what happened?"
...don't know how to tell him I don't want to go without hurting his feelings, I know it's for his birthday but hwesiks are so scary and...
"..pen mark, sunbaenim?"
Seunghyub drops Hweseung's hand. All at once his worst fears are confirmed and relieved. One one hand, he's definitely somehow against all laws of God and nature, developed the ability to read minds. On the other hand, thank fuck Hweseung doesn't want to attend either. Maybe they can dip together.
"Oh," he says, feeling more than a touch hysterical, "sorry, Hweseung-ah. Hey, listen, if you don't want to attend the hwesik, please don't mind me or Choa sunbaenim, I can tell them that you're not feeling well? Or we can go together and leave early — honestly, hwesiks are kind of scary to me."
A surprised laugh bubbles out of Hweseung.
"Scary to you sunbaenim? Really? But you're so good at socialising."
"Not really," Seunghyub demurs, and then drops his voice like he's delivering a secret, "sometimes they feel more like work than work itself."
He straightens up and gives Hweseung his best smile. "I know I'm not onboarding you anymore but if you come, I promise I'll teach you how to survive them. What do you say?"
"Plus," he adds slyly before Hweseung can give an answer, "the company is paying for all the food."
The drinks are in full flow when they arrive. A raucous round of cheers go up when Seunghyub steps into the restaurant, followed by Hweseung.
"Birthday boy!" Crows their general manager. "Good, good, you're here! And you brought Hweseungie! Come, come, we need to catch both of you up — excuse me, another two shot glasses here!"
Seunghyub shuffles them over to the two open spots left at the end of the table. There are a few plates of fried snacks and jeon scattered around and a still warm bowl of kimchi jjiggae that Seunghyub immediately pushes in Hweseung's direction, amused smile sneaking its way onto his face at Hweseung's eyes lighting up.
"Took your time, didn't you?" Choa teases goodnaturedly, already pink around the ears. "What took both of you so long, someone was going to start a bet on whether the both of you ditched."
"How could I," Seunghyub responds in the same cordial tone, shrugging off his suit jacket and placing it over the back of his chair, "it would be poor form, wouldn't it, if the birthday boy didn't make it."
"No comment," Choa snorts, knocking back another shot glass of soju and gesturing down the line of the table for the menu. She presses it into Seunghyub's hands, "I'm just here for the company card. Go on, make your own use of it before you're too inebriated to stand."
"Ah," Seunghyub thumbs through the menu quickly, nothing jumping out at him, "I'm okay with whatever's on the table. Hweseung-ah, do you want to order more?"
Hweseung looks up, eyes wide and startled around a mouthful of fried vegetables.
Choa dissolves into giggles at his face and Seunghyub finds himself laughing along even as he pushes the menu over, giddy at how cute Hweseung's expression is.
"Aish, sunbaenims," Hweseung whines, hand over his mouth to keep it all in, "that was bad timing."
"My bad, I was wrong." Seunghyub grins, swinging his feet a little. "See anything you like — ?"
"Seunghyub-ssi!"
Their general manager, tie loosened and tomato red all over, slams a bottle of soju down on the table in front of them. He's already dishevelled and it really makes Seunghyub wonder how long ago he started before them.
"Thirty years old, eh? Then you'll do thirty shots with everyone, call?"
"Thirty..." Seunghyub tentatively accepts the full shot glass from their general manager and dips his head in a bow, throwing it back quickly with both hands. He smiles through the burn. "I'll do my best sir."
"Good, good," their general manager flaps his hands about, "did everyone hear that? Thirty shots for Seunghyubie, okay? Get in line now!"
"Over here, Seunghyub-ssi!" A voice Seunghyub picks out as his manager slurs from the middle of the long table. "Give me some face, I'm next in the chain."
"Of course manager-nim." Seunghyub gives Hweseung what he hopes is a reassuring glance and picks up his shot glass and the bottle of soju from earlier. He already factored this in, having to drink a little with the higher-ups. He can handle half a bottle without it starting to sway him, hopefully that will see him through to the next hour.
One shot with his manager ends up being two shots with his manager and then another one with the small group of junior colleagues who want to toast to his health and then the general manager comes around again and wants to do shots with him and his manager and — oh, by the time Seunghyub staggers to his feet again to move back to his original position, he's feeling more than a little tipsy. This has definitely been over half a bottle.
Which is fine. Because Seunghyub can do an excellent great fantastic job of pretending to be sober even if he's a little drunk.
He scrunches his brow and looks down at the floor, counting his steps as he moves back towards his seat.
"Sunbaenim." Hweseung says almost immediately when he flops down. Gracefully! "Are you okay?"
"Fine," Seunghyub drags out, accepting the warm bowl of rice that Hweseung pushes into his hands with tears welling in his eyes, "this smells so good."
"It's white rice sunbaenim," Hweseung says, pushing some banchan towards him too, along with a hot bowl of what looks like budae jjigae, "you should eat something if you haven't yet."
"Ah, Seunghyub sunbaenim? Sorry to bother you, we just wanted to drink to sunbaenim's health, would you..."
A soft arm brushes against his back.
...lips are so sexy ugh and his back is so broad, wonder if he would do a loveshot with us, sunbaenim is so nice, surely he'd say yes —
"Seunghyub-ssi is eating right now," Choa speaks up from next to him, a lucky save from where Seunghyub is trying his best not to do an ugly spit take and utterly destroy whatever image he has at this company, "would it be okay if he came around later to you when he has some food in his stomach? I think we should let him enjoy dinner first, no?"
"If that's okay with sunbaenim." A different voice, likely from a different hoobae in the group that came around, says. Perfectly polite but soured in tone. "We'll have to trouble you to come around later."
"Don't forget us!"
"Yeah sunbaenim, we'll be sad!"
Seunghyub hums acknowledgement and dabs at his mouth in a frantic dash to keep composure.
"Thanks for the save." He mumbles lowly to Choa.
"No worries," she says breezily, tucking her hair behind her ear as she watches the group amble back to their seats, muttering amongst each other, "I fear they seem to have gotten the wrong impression of my intentions though."
"...they're young." Seunghyub says, bowing his head down again and spooning another warm mouthful of broth and rice into his mouth. "We should understand them."
"We were all young." Choa concedes, a glint in her eyes. "Us less so now, huh? What about you Hweseung-ssi, when were you born?"
"1995, sunbaenim."
"Oh, just call me noona, Hweseung-ah. Wow, only three years until you get to this age yourself hmm?"
"I guess so," Hweseung laughs, face flushed a healthy red, "it creeps up on you, doesn't it?"
Three years. Huh. Seunghyub always thought Hweseung was younger than that, at least a five year difference between them. He doesn't know how he didn't pick up on it earlier — Hweseung had said he did his military service first, he would've obviously been older than some of his cohort when he finished studying.
It feels significant to know this for some reason. At the moment, Seunghyub doesn't have the faculties to work out why.
"I can't believe you can call Choa sunbaenim noona but you can't call me hyung." Seunghyub jabs at the rice clump in his bowl to break it up, lower lip coming out. "This is favouritism, Hweseung-ah."
"It's not — " Hweseung's mouth hangs open, "are you sulking sunbaenim?"
There it is again, sunbaenim.
"No." Seunghyub answers shortly, slumping in his chair and looking anywhere but Hweseung.
"Oh my god, he totally is." Choa cackles. "Congratulations Hweseung-ssi, you've found out his secret."
"What secret!" Seunghyub sniffs, crossing his arms. He doesn't have secrets! Well maybe he has some. Like the fact that in a room full of colleagues that regard him so highly, he still feels like an outsider. Or that he hates radish kimchi. Or the new one — he can read minds!
"I can read minds!" He says proudly. There, now no secrets.
Hweseung and Choa exchange a look.
"Uh noona..." Hweseung says, and then mumbles something lower that Seunghyub can't hear. She nods and replies in a similar tone and wow, Seunghyub is offended. Extremely offended and extremely left out and —
"Ack," Hweseung whimpers suddenly, clutching his stomach, "I'm not feeling so well..."
Oh God. Seunghyub's worry launches him into action, catapulting him into the realm of more sober than drunk.
"Do you need to head home?" He asks worriedly, leaning over the table. His head is still a little foggy, and maybe he's a little off balance but he's sure he's got enough wits about him to navigate Kakao Taxi and get Hweseung home if he needs it.
"I think that's for the best," Choa says, and Seunghyub wants to tell her to keep the volume down, that they don't need to make a scene to deal with this, but then she nods at him and says, "Seunghyub-ssi, could you please make sure Hweseungie gets home safely?"
"Aww can't someone else do it!" Someone further down the table hollers.
"Seunghyub sunbaenim hasn't toasted with us yet!"
"Me neither!"
"Sorry," Seunghyub hauls himself to his feet and loops an arm around Hweseung's waist, "I invited him after all, I should take responsibility. We'll go out another day, maybe. Health is always more important, I hope you all get home safely everyone."
...assa, great job Hweseung, just hang limp in sunbaenim's hold until he gets us out the door. Should I groan a little to make it more convincing?
Seunghyub nearly drops him in surprise. So Hweseung's not...
Hweseung lifts his left eyelid just slightly in a mini wink. Seunghyub wants to laugh in glee, all stress dissipating from his shoulders at once. Hweseung keeps surprising him again and again, it's dangerous how it only making Seunghyub like him more.
For obvious reasons, the taxi goes to Seunghyub's place instead of Hweseung's although Seunghyub insists on ordering Hweseung's taxi after.
Seunghyub hasn't had another person in his apartment for a few months that's not Hun, but Hun barely counts because he's more like a stray cat than anything. Coming into Seunghyub's apartment whenever he pleases, making use of Seunghyub's hobby studio set-up, and leaving containers of homemade food behind with tsundere reminders for Seunghyub to actually take care of himself.
It's weird therefore, to be letting Hweseung in. Not weird in that he doesn't want Hweseung in his space, but weird as in he sees Hweseung toeing his shoes off at the door, gasping in delight at the keyboard against the wall in the living room, running his hand over the dust accumulated on Seunghyub's stove and thinks — well. Good thoughts. Thoughts so good they almost scare him and he has to redirect his brain very quickly.
"Seunghyub-ssi, you should drink some water and take a shower whilst I'm still here." Hweseung gently shoos him away. "If you tell me where you put it, I'll set out some headache medicine and hangover cures as well."
"You really don't have to." Seunghyub says, semi lost. He's swaying a little in the middle of his living room, he knows, but he's always taken care of himself when he's been drunk. Hweseung doesn't have to do all this.
"I know you can," Hweseung murmurs and Seunghyub realises belatedly that he's just said his thoughts out loud, "but you know, you don't always have to take care of yourself sunbaenim. Besides, what would happen to me if the golden boy of Sales didn't show up tomorrow because he fell over in the shower?"
"Hey," Seunghyub pouts, "I wouldn't."
"Okay," Hweseung scrubs a hand through his hair — it looks so soft, no gel or anything like Seunghyub uses to keep himself looking sharp. He wonders what it would feel like to touch it, "then go shower please, sunbaenim."
"Only if you call me hyung."
Hweseung blinks in surprise, exactly like a rabbit startled out of a bush. He breathes out with a whoosh, an unknowable expression on his face.
"Okay. Hyung." He cups his hands in a flower pose, pitching his tone up. "Hyung, Hweseungie wants you to shower pwease?"
It's so fucking cute Seunghyub wants to bite him. Or explode. Or throw himself out the window.
None of which seem like the most appropriate options so he fastwalks to the shower instead, heartbeat drumming so loud it conquers his head, and stands under the cold water until Hweseung knocks on the door and asks if he's still alive.
The next day at work, Seunghyub contemplates not showing up at all. Not because his colleagues saw him drunk or leave early, mostly to avoid Hweseung who has now seen him at his worst and most embarrassing. Even thinking about what he did last night makes his fingers and toes curl up like a hedgehog on itself, and get him thinking about knocking himself unconscious for a bit.
But work pays the bills and Seunghyub has to keep up the appearance, at least, of the golden boy. And golden boys do not skip work.
He shows up to the company and instead of waiting with the crowd for the lift, elects to climb ten flights of stairs instead just to avoid any possible awkward run-ins with Hweseung. He whips his head around everytime there's even a hint of footsteps coming from the corridor behind him, connecting the two sides of the floor. Skips taking his lunch break altogether just so he doesn't risk a Hweseung encounter in the cafeteria.
He doesn't expect to be as successful as he is. Either he's just played an excellent game of avoidance or Hweseung wasn't really seeking him out in the first place. One hurts more than the other but Seunghyub doesn't dwell on which.
The good thing about avoiding all those situations though is that in addition to dodging Hweseung, he's also avoiding most contact with people. So it follows that intrusive thoughts rarely find their way in today, apart from the stray few on the early early train.
"My favourite sales guy!"
Seunghyub nearly swears out loud.
"Jaehyun-ssi," he greets him through clenched teeth, what can I help Legal with today."
Jaehyun casually steals a chair from a few desks over, plopping himself in it and scooting over. He has a sheaf of documents in hand which he slaps down on Seunghyub's desk.
"The contract variation you asked us to look over," he says, pitched loud enough for the floor to hear, and then a touch quieter, "but also I just want to know about the hwesik. I heard you headed out early?"
"A hoobae wasn't feeling well." Seunghyub keeps his tone neutral given the open office. "I just made sure he got home safely. There'll be more hwesiks in the future."
"More hwesiks but not thirtieth birthdays!" Jaehyun exclaims, back to his usual volume. "I can't believe you didn't tell me! Why wasn't I invited! You're so old now!"
Seunghyub exhales noisily.
"The general manager for Sales invited everyone," he says, dragging over the marked up documents, "it wasn't originally in my plans but it was very generous of him."
Jaehyun levels him with an irreverent eye roll that makes Seunghyub barely suppress a snort.
This is why Jaehyun is one of his reluctant favourites in the office, someone that Seunghyub feels comfortable enough to let some of his walls down around. His constant boisterousness makes everyone from the receptionist to big clients to general managers his best friend, even if his antics are sometimes questionable or downright disruptive. It's times like that where having your older sister as the ace of the marketing department does more than a few favours to smooth things over.
"So back to the contract," Seunghyub says pointedly, flipping over the page, "what's your advice? Should we execute it?"
"Their proposed dispute resolution clause needs work but the rest is acceptable," Jaehyun says flippantly, thumbing over to an earmarked page where he's drawn a little devil face amongst the crazy scribbles in the margins, "I've already shot over this marked up version with the proposed changes to your email. Nice job on this one, it's a pretty big deal to close."
"Well it hasn't been closed yet," Seunghyub dismisses, swinging his chair around to check his emails, "and if it does, I wouldn't have been able to without your help so — "
His knee brushes Jaehyun's.
...god I hate this job —
Seunghyub freezes.
"Hyung?"
"N-nothing — hey, this is it right?" Seunghyub shakes himself free of the momentary shock and scoots closer to his computer, opening up the contract. Jaehyun brings his chair a little further in to see it, directing Seunghyub to where he made some edits and talking them through at the speed of a bullet train.
Seunghyub's eyes glaze over a little. It's excellent work as usual, nothing on the face screaming that Jaehyun's not one hundred percent committed to his role. Seunghyub met him as a lawyer, has only known him as a lawyer after all. Even made jokes before about how he was so well suited to it because of his engine of a mouth. To have one of his core understandings about Jaehyun so utterly turned on its head has shaken him to say the least.
But it's not like Seunghyub can say anything about it. What could he ask — hey Jaehyun, fun story, I can read minds and I learned that you secretly hate your job that you're very good at and tell everyone that you love, do you want to talk about it? No, absolutely not.
He needs Hun.
"I don't like this," Hun says, half rising from his chair when Seunghyub doesn't follow him to sit down, hovering in front of the front door, "what is this, why are you standing like that."
"Safety?" Seunghyub tries.
"I think I'm safer out there than in this room with you hyung," Hun scoffs but the wrinkles in his forehead deepen, "what's up with you, you're acting really weird."
"Before I say anything," Seunghyub starts, crossing back over to his couch and resting his elbows solemnly on his knees, "I need you to know that this isn't a secret camera, it's not a joke, I'm one hundred percent serious and you need to believe me."
"Hyung," Hun mutters, eyes growing wider, "you're really weirding me out. How long have you been doing overtime?"
"I can read minds." Seunghyub declares.
Hun stares at him blankly.
"I'm not doing this today."
He tries to get to his feet but Seunghyub is always going to be quicker. He flashes out his hand and tugs Hun back down in an instant.
...going crazy, I told him all those hours at work weren't human, now he's gone and got himself hallucinating shit —
"I'm not hallucinating." Seunghyub pronounces firmly, squeezing Hun's wrist a little for emphasis. He takes in Hun's slack jaw and urges him on further. "Go on, test me."
Hun eyes him warily, looking so much like his cat Romang when she eyes up the sudden appearance of her carrier thirty minutes before she's due for a vet appointment.
"What do you mean?"
"Think of something." Seunghyub clicks his tongue. "Anything I wouldn't know."
Romang accidentally shit on the floor today.
"Ew, why is that the first thing you think of, I didn't need to know that Romangie went outside her box."
Hun startles, eyes darting over Seunghyub's face.
I ordered another PRS guitar last night.
"Yah, did you even test the guitar beforehand? Where are you going to put the new one?"
What the — Okay, if you're hearing this, Seunghyub hyung is an idiot.
"Oi!" Seunghyub lets go of Hun's wrist to slap his shoulder. "I told you I can hear it! You're the idiot!"
Hun backs up a little in his chair, eyeing Seunghyub distrustfully. "Okay, say I believe you. When did this start?"
"The day after I turned thirty." Seunghyub crosses his arms, tapping his foot agitatedly. He should be relieved that at least one other person knows now but Hun's expression isn't giving him any relief. "Anyone who was touching me — it sounded like my thoughts but they were all things I would've never been thinking about or never would've known."
"Wow," Hun says thoughtfully, "I have no idea how to help you."
Seunghyub throws himself backwards across the couch cushions, letting loose a long anguished groan. He's living something out of a manhwa or a webtoon okay, he's entitled to his dramatics.
"There, there," Hun's hand descends to pat his thigh and then thinks better of it. He punts a cushion at Seunghyub's head instead, departing to stare into the empty depths of Seunghyub's refrigerator in hopes of making something from nothing. They'll order delivery in the end, they always do, "it could be worse."
"How?" Seunghyub moans.
"You could be forced to tell the truth all the time," Hun peeks out of his kitchen, phone already in hand. Seunghyub had heard the sigh of despair earlier and already knows what he wants to order, "watch how quickly that would tank your deals."
"True," Seunghyub concurs, "also I want jokbal. I guess this ability could be useful, but I'm so sick of hearing this one guy on Line 2 pine for his brother's girlfriend every morning."
"That's entertaining at least," Hun agrees, wandering back over with his eyes trained firmly on his phone, "anything else interesting?"
"Well..." Hun only vaguely knows Jaehyun through Seunghyub's stories but it feels like a betrayal of trust somehow, to tell this one. He keeps it vague, "there's a colleague who I found out hates his job even though he's good at it. I don't know if I should talk to him about it."
"Why would you?" Hun shoots down the idea. "That's probably a private thing. If he hasn't talked about it, you should respect his reasons and pretend you never heard anything."
"We're close-ish." Seunghyub confesses, dip deepening in his chin. "It just feels bad that he's never brought it up — maybe he thinks he can't."
"Then make an atmosphere where he can." Hun shrugs like it really is that simple. "Like I said hyung, you're an idiot, aren't you?"
Corporate mandated training videos on wellbeing always talked about resilience. You're stronger than you think you are! and The human capacity to adapt is limitless!.
Seunghyub didn't think any of those poorly-acted minimally motivating trainings ever predicted a situation like his. He does not feel stronger and any adaptation he's done resembles evasion strategies more than learning how to live with this curse.
Seunghyub never wanted to know what people are thinking, much less what they think of him. He already knows what they think of him, a perfectly curated work personality he's designed to be:
a) Marketable
b) Cool and competent
c) Handsome
Factually speaking, if the number of dates he gets asked on per month or the number of high profile projects he's been asked to contribute to was a good metric, he'd say it's been pretty successful. With this new curse on him though...
Assa, his manager thinks, giving Seunghyub a friendly shoulder bump and a stack full of past industry analysis reports, I knew I could count on him — time to take a nap in my office.
Fuck, a junior from the floor below bows deep, stuttering over apologies for her spilled coffee that's flecked Seunghyub's shoes, fuck, fuck, fuck, this is the sunbaenim that's off limits, Minyeong sunbaenim is going to kill me fuck —
Aish, of course it had to be Seunghyub-ssi, damn my luck. Seunghyub blinks blankly into the face of an otherwise pleasant colleague from Marketing who's been just unlucky enough to brush Seunghyub's writing hand with his left elbow. He's good at his job, whatever, why do we have to be the ones subject to his control freak tendencies.
Thirty days into being thirty, Seunghyub is starting to realise that maybe his perfectly curated work personality isn't so perfect after all. That all the people who treat him so cordially in the office are maybe designing perfectly curated work personalities of their own. The realisation shakes him to the core — if there's one thing his colleague got right, Seunghyub is a control freak, and he's not coping well with everything he thought true quickly spiralling away from him.
He was intending to catch Jaehyun at lunch but that's just going to have to wait another day.
Not for the first time since Seunghyub was cursed, he finds himself hunched over in the bathrooms, breathing in for four counts and then out for four counts. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. He'll take what he can get.
" — did you like working with him? I've heard so many stories about how amazing he is."
"He was really good," that's Hweseung's voice, Seunghyub recognises. His stomach lurches, "I learned a lot when I was in that team. If you have the opportunity, I would say go for it, I'll even let hyung know to look out for you — just as long as I'm still your favourite!"
"You think?" Sounds of zips and piss hitting the urinal. "I'm just — I'm so new, I don't want to embarrass myself or burden them."
"Exactly, you're new, use that to your advantage Dongsung-ah. Making mistakes happens, as long as you take responsibility for them and learn, you'll be just fine. No one's perfect — even me, or the golden boy himself."
"Seunghyub sunbaenim?"
Zips up. Black loafers pad by Seunghyub's stall over to the sinks.
"Mmm, he's a little clumsy. Doesn't have any patience even if he pretends to. Total control freak."
A little pause.
"I think it's better though. For hyung — ah, for people — to have flaws like that. It's charming."
Seunghyub can picture Hweseung's coy little face accompanying his words. It should hurt him, another revelation that his perfect facade isn't so perfect after all. Curiously, they don't. Instead his chest feels like it's been relieved of something tight, air flowing in again like one of those stress balls re-inflating.
"You must be really close to hyung to know this." Dongsung laughs. Running water. "Thanks hyung, I feel a bit better about the transfer now."
"That's right," Hweseung laughs as the door creaks open, words trailing out, "remember though Dongsung-ah, I'm still the favourite."
The door creaks shut leaving Seunghyub with an aching butt and the embers of curiosity. Since the hwesik, his thoughts about Hweseung have taken a distinctly different tone although he's not prepared to label the shift just yet. Hweseung has changed, is the thing. Grown. From the round faced bright eyed newbie entering a company for the first time to the hyung now, giving out sage advice and seeing right through Seunghyub like he's made of glass.
He wonders whether Hweseung's thoughts about him have changed too. He was always so hard to read or maybe Seunghyub trapped him so far inside the mental box labelled OFF LIMITS that Seunghyub never tried.
Seunghyub's fingers twitch. He wants to know. If only there was a way to find out.
With ulterior motives, Seunghyub elicits Hweseung out of the office on a quiet cold night with the promise of dinner on him. Strangely, Hweseung doesn't find his sudden offer odd at all, or maybe the promise of free food overrides any of his survival instincts.
Hweseung wants nurungi baeksuk so nurungi baesuk it is. Seunghyub brings them to a place with good ratings on Naver and delights in Hweseung's overwhelming joy when they come to a stop outside the restaurant. It's cold out, a perfect night for soup, and it's not until they seat themselves at a two-seater table in the window corner of the lonely second floor that Seunghyub realises how. Intimate this feels.
"Did someone recommend this place to you hyung?" Hweseung beams through a boiled chicken leg. "It's so good!"
"I found it on Naver," Seunghyub replies, entranced by how easily Hweseung sucks the meat off the bone, placing it into a neat pile on the table, "I'm glad you like it."
"You could bring me anywhere and I'd like it," Hweseung shrugs. Seunghyub's heart picks up for a second before it comes to its senses, "have you ever known me to be picky about food?"
"I guess not." Seunghyub says slowly, hiding his face in the steam from his own sujebi. He takes a spoonful and chews through it absently, chopsticks going to the jeon they ordered as well. He breaks off a piece to put in Hweseung's bowl. "Eat more then, you've been working hard."
"You've been working harder," Hweseung throws back, accepting the jeon with a happy glint in his eyes, "I've barely seen you since the hwesik, Choa noona said the same thing."
Seunghyub bites back the copper tang of guilt.
"I never did say thank you for giving me an excuse to leave early."
"You paid for my taxi," Hweseung points out reasonably, "although if you wanted to treat me to more dinners hyung, I wouldn't say no."
Seunghyub scoffs playfully. "You've gotten bold, haven't you? What happened to my cute Hweseungie? I remember when you used to be like Seunghyub sunbaenim, how do I work the printer?, Seunghyub sunbaenim, where do I file this?, Seunghyub sunbaenim, is the general manager scary?."
Hweseung blinks twice, a vague shape passing behind his eyes.
Seunghyub looks again and the expression is gone. Hweseung bats his eyelashes exaggeratedly at him instead, poking his finger into his cheek and pouting his lips dramatically. "Aren't I cute now, hyung?"
Seunghyub groans, torn between enthusiastic agreement because well, Hweseung is cute objectively speaking, and making a disgusted face like he really should for the expected reaction. He ends up doing a weird mix of both, laughing fond whilst faking a retch. Hweseung goes along with it easily, sniggering at himself as he scrapes the bottom of his rice bowl and finishes it off.
"Are you still hungry?" Seunghyub takes the last slice of jeon and puts it in Hweseung's bowl. "I can order another bowl of rice."
"I'm okay," Hweseung accepts the jeon with a neat bow of his head, "I shouldn't eat anymore really."
"Have the rest of mine," Seunghyub says impulsively, pushing his bowl of sujebi across the table. He's — well, he's not full, but he's not hungry either. The food would be better spent on Hweseung anyways; the warmth ran through him but he's barely tasted any of it, too busy studying Hweseung, "I'm done."
"Hyung," Hweseung sounds surprised, almost pushing the bowl back, "are you sure? You didn't eat that much."
"I ate lunch late." Seunghyub lies. "You should finish it off Hweseung-ah, hyung wants to see you eat well."
"Ah," Hweseung says slowly. Seunghyub can see the cogs turning in his brain, making cost-benefit calculations, "well if hyung insists."
They make slow conversation as Hweseung downs the rest of his meal, Seunghyub's head resting in the palm of his hand the entire time. Hweseung's in the middle of a particularly passionate story about a PPT he was asked to present an hour before the meeting when Seunghyub decides to try.
For the first time since he was cursed, Seunghyub deliberately stretches his foot out and brushes it up against Hweseung's.
...wow this soup is so good, I can't believe hyung didn't want to finish it. He hasn't been eating a lot tonight, how weird, I wonder if everything's okay — he did ask me to come for dinner pretty suddenly, hopefully everything's fine, wow his foot is still there I wonder if he's noticed it — nope, don't think about that. Think about, ooo I wonder how long they boiled this for, maybe I should try making it, I haven't done sujebi before but it doesn't look that hard. What's going on with hyung, Seunghyub hyung hello, god he's really out of -
" — hyung?"
"Uargh," Seunghyub bolts up straight, hands slamming on the table from the sudden movement, "sorry, I spaced out there."
"It's fine," Hweseung says kindly. Seunghyub registers him sliding his own foot backwards, "you must be having a hard time hyung, maybe you should get some rest tonight. I'm done anyways."
"No!" Seunghyub blurts then freezes. Why — he doesn't know why he said that. Wait, no, actually, he hasn't picked Hweseung's brain enough! That must be it, apart from him being a close enough hyung that Hweseung was worried about him, he hasn't discovered anything new.
Hweseung peers owlishly at him.
Seunghyub smiles weakly as he reaches for his wallet. "I mean. Why don't we take a walk? The Han river is pretty close."
"It's a nice night." Seunghyub hums, hands in his coat. He's trying to keep his stroll casual, disguising the shrinking distance between his and Hweseung's shoulder in idle conversation. "I haven't been here in awhile. I used to play basketball around here."
"Neither," Hweseung responds, eyes on the river. Seunghyub only sees the round back of his head, "it's funny, I used to come here so often when I first moved to Seoul. The moonlight was so pretty, I used to look up and think of my parents looking at the same moon and it'd make it a bit easier."
"Your parents don't live in Seoul?"
"No, I'm from Namyangju. My parents and my noona are still there, I just moved for the job."
Seunghyub hesitates. The timing is right for a comforting shoulder bump but it feels intrusive to peek into Hweseung's head right now. His usual cheery tone has taken a more melancholic drop, tone trailing off into the wind.
"I'm from Daegu," he offers instead, soft, "I know how you feel. I haven't seen my family in awhile."
"Everyone knows you're from Daegu, hyung." Hweseung turns away from the water and shoves Seunghyub playfully with his shoulder. "You're terrible at the standard dialect."
...funny he doesn't know how sexy —
It's gone in a flash. Seunghyub squawks and stumbles back onto the path, shoving Hweseung in return.
...much does he work out to be that strong!
"Hah," Seunghyub crows, puffing his chest out, "I win."
"You're like a kid, hyung." Hweseung rolls his eyes but doesn't look that put out. He crosses his arms over his chest and huddles into himself, mumbling curses when the wind picks up, sneaking through the gaps in their dress shirts. "How long do you want to walk for? I don't mind but — "
Seunghyub sees his chance. On the pretence of conserving their warmth, he wraps one flap of his coat around Hweseung, cuddling him against his side.
— warm, oh he's warm, so much better but this is so embarrassing what if someone — What's that smell. Red bean. Red bean! Bungeoppang? Definitely bungeoppang, shit I want one, but. Ugh. Hyung's going to think that's childish, maybe I can buy some frozen ones later on the way home —
"Do you smell that?" Seunghyub stops them in their tracks. Now that he's paying attention to things that aren't Hweseung's thoughts or the shape of his body against his or the faint smell of his bodywash, he can make out the faint scent of red bean and cooking batter on the wind. "I think that might be a bungeoppang vendor, do you want one?"
"Yes!" Hweseung says excitedly, seizing up to the tops of his toes, cheeks lifting so high they look like full moons. "Let's go!"
"It's 10pm so they might be closing up but — Hweseung-ah!"
"Hyung, run!" Hweseung tugs at his hand, forcing Seunghyub to clamber after him up a small hill towards the main road. "We can still make it!"
BUNGEOPPANG BUNGEOPPANG BUNGEOPPANG
Seunghyub can't help but laugh. Two office workers in their formal coats and suits running after bungeoppang. It's not something he would've usually entertained but if Hweseung wants it this much, he's willing to make certain sacrifices to his image.
He lets himself get dragged along by the hand, presenting flushed and panting to the ahjussi when Hweseung finds them the bungeoppang cart. He fishes out his wallet, unthinking, and bows profusely to the ahjussi as he grumbles about making an exception for them all these young'uns running about so late at night, and so cold too, aish —
Five minutes later, they have four fresh bungeoppang in hand, leaning on the railing overlooking the grass area of the river bank. The moon is high in the sky, Hweseung is biting enthusiastically into the head of his second fish and whining about the piping hot filling like he did not thirty seconds ago, and Seunghyub looks at him and thinks 1000 won never tasted this much like happiness.
"What happened to you!" Jaehyun swings himself bodily into a chair close to Seunghyub's desk, scooting himself up to inspect Seunghyub with his hand shaped like an OK sign pressed to his eye. "Why are you so happy today! Did you get laid?"
No less than four heads whip around in Seunghyub's direction. There might as well be lasers where their eyes are. He breaks out into cold sweat.
"Let's get a meeting room," he coughs, locking his screen and grabbing his laptop, "I don't think we should discuss this here. I booked 2b for us."
"Discuss what?" Jaehyun enquires, trotting after him, confused. "I thought the new clauses were cleared. Didn't you tell me last week the contract was executed?"
"It was," Seunghyub confesses, closing the soundproof door behind them, "and you did amazing work on it, you're an amazing commercial lawyer Jaehyun-ssi." He pauses. "Actually, can I call you Jaehyun-ah? I think, well I hope, we're close enough but — "
"As long as I can call you hyung!" Jaehyun wiggles his eyebrows but even Seunghyub can see the worry creeping in, causing them to droop. "What's wrong hyung?"
"Nothing I just — " Seunghyub's toes curl. He chose today of all days because he thought he could handle it with the high he got from last night. He's getting nervous though, enough to second guess himself.
Maybe he should just check Jaehyun's mentality. Just quickly. To make sure it's not a bad time.
He stretches out and awkwardly pats Jaehyun's shoulder. Jaehyun looks back at him, baffled.
...going to ask me to work on another contract matter, because honestly I'm going to jump off the top floor if I have to comb through more small print for a contract to procure, what, pens? Notebooks? What am I even doing with my life?
Right, so he still hates his job. Cool.
"You've worked hard." Seunghyub withdraws his hand, biting his lip. "Don't worry, I'm not giving you more work Jaehyun-ah. Actually, I just wanted to let you know that you were such a big help in getting the deal signed that I'm going to mention your name in my debriefing session with my manager and general manager."
Jaehyun's eyes quiver in their sockets even as his lips turn up at the corner, teeth on show.
"Although — " Seunghyub hesitates, "Jaehyun-ah, if there's anything not to do with work or about work to discuss, you know I'm here for you, right? You can tell me anything."
"Of course hyung." Jaehyun shoots him two thumbs up, grinning wide, but Seunghyub knows to look for the signs now.
"I mean it," he insists again, persistence bursting out from somewhere within him, Hun's voice rattling around in his head, "if you ever want to talk, I'm here."
"Okay...?" Jaehyun cocks his head to the side. "Hyung, did you want to tell me something?" His eyes droop halfway, looking a little smirky. "Maybe something about why you were practically walking on clouds today?"
"Was not." Seunghyub grumbles, wiping a hand over his face. How has he lost control of the conversation already. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"One of the counsel in Legals showed me a photo of you staring like a fool out the window." Jaehyun scoffs. "You can't fool me — you went on a date last night, didn't you?"
"It was just Hweseungie." Seunghyub defends himself, maybe a touch too quickly. Jaehyun's mouth falls open into a trapezoid shape.
"Heol, Yoo Hweseung? From Planning?"
"Yeah, we're close, I onboarded him when he started in Sales."
"Wow," Jaehyun nods solemnly, "office romance. Hwaiting."
"There's no — Jaehyun! Stop it! Stop texting whoever, it's not an office romance!"
Sixty days into being thirty, Seunghyub has:
- an official office best friend who's suspiciously good at not revealing anything about himself
- acquired a cute new junior sales representative to mentor, by the name of Seo Dongsung
- a standing biweekly dinner outing (outing not date!) with Hweseung (and sometimes Jaehyun when he invites himself along) (and then also Dongsung because Hweseung invites him) (and then also Hun because he'll always take the opportunity to sponge off him).
However, Seunghyub's proud to say that he's also:
- rejected someone formally without a rehearsed script for the first time, apologising that his life is too busy for someone new right now,
- pushed back on his manager's attempt to offload more of his own work onto him with a saccharine request for him to send the task to Seunghyub by email, CC'ing their general manager in,
- started reducing his overtime hours, either ducking out at 7pm to meet Hweseung or getting home latest at 9pm.
It's not much but it's an improvement.
The curse has maybe turned out to not be so much of a curse after all. Now that Seunghyub knows how to navigate it, how to use it for good, he can't help himself from reaching out sometimes. A light brush of fingers when he confirms dinner plans with Hweseung finds them coincidentally in a restaurant serving exactly what Hweseung's been craving. The gentle hand on Dongsung's shoulder helps him be the best mentor possible, offering tips and advice exactly when Dongsung needs it most. Seunghyub knows now when exactly is a good time to approach Jaehyun with more work, and when he's at his overflow limit, managing the allocation of work from his team to make sure Jaehyun isn't overwhelmed.
Hun though. Even though Seunghyub's updated him on all the good his power is doing him, he's still staunchly against Seunghyub touching him in any way.
"I get that you wouldn't do it for bad reasons," Hun says calmly, perched on top of the backseat of his couch. In the window, Romang regards Seunghyub solemnly from her cat tree, "but it would be crossing a line for me, hyung. Whatever's in my head, that's all mine, for better or for worse."
Seunghyub hunches forward. "You're the only one that knows though. Do you think the rest of them would feel the same way if they knew?"
His stomach swirls as he tries to picture any of his colleagues' reactions if he told them. Jaehyun might forgive him, Dongsung definitely would. But Hweseung.
Seunghyub tries to imagine it. Can only see the betrayed look in Hweseung's eyes when Seunghyub confesses their dinner dates started out as a ruse to massage his own ego. That without this power, he's not half the cool hyung Hweseung's come to know. God, what if Jaehyun becomes Hweseung's favourite hyung. He thinks he's going to throw up.
Hun pauses, reading his tense back. "They might. Even if you did it for good reasons hyung, hearing someone's thoughts is more than just a privacy breach."
"It's not like I asked for this to happen to me though," Seunghyub says sullenly, mood descended like an anvil dropped out a window, "I'm just trying to do my best with it."
"Yeah but hyung, you're — "
"Forget it." Seunghyub knows that he's throwing a tantrum but he doesn't particularly want to rein himself in. He's done being perfect for the week, he deserves to be himself for a little while. "I'm going, I'll talk to you later."
Outside Hweseung's apartment block, Seunghyub stares down at his unread Katalk message to Hweseung.
Want to go for ramyun?
He should be home. Seunghyub heard him think about how excited he was to spend some time with his guitar this weekend. Why isn't he answering?
Seunggu-yah :(((
I'm coming over
Hweseung finally replies when Seunghyub has snuck his way into the building, leaning in front of the elevator panel.
ah hyung i can't right now sorry!
What are you doing?
i'm out with a couple of friends
we already made plans for this weekend sorry ㅠㅠㅠ
Seunghyub's fingers tighten around his phone. The ugly feelings lurking at the base of his gut come roaring to the forefront with a vengeance. Hweseung definitely hadn't mentioned any plans this weekend. Hadn't thought about them either.
There's only one possibility — he's lying.
"Yaho!" Jaehyun stops in his tracks. "Hyung, you're not going to have lunch with us?"
"I ate at my desk." Seunghyub mumbles, fingers flying over his keyboard. Is he still kind of bitter from the weekend? Finding out via sneaky headpat that it was fucking Jaehyun Hweseung was playing games with? Yes. Is he letting it affect his professional life? No. Because he's a professional. And he can do his work just fine. Even if he's —
"Wow, you're totally sulking, what are you upset about?"
"Jaehyun-ah, I really have to finish this thing."
Jaehyun lifts an eyebrow rudely. "I can see your screen hyung, you're just filing your emails."
"Organising my inbox is integral to timely responses and building client relationships." Seunghyub refuses to be baited, slumping down in his chair. "It needs to be done."
"Okay," Jaehyun says slowly, "but can't it be done after lunch? Get a coffee or something, take a break with us. I wanted to — "
"I can't just take a break." Seunghyub feels this close to snapping, the stored up stress from Hun and then Hweseung and then Jaehyun who no matter how trustworthy Seunghyub keeps demonstrating he is to, is monopolising all Hweseung's time in return and is probably never going to tell Seunghyub anything meaningful, "I actually like my job, Jaehyun-ah, so I can't take a break like you can."
As soon as the words leave his mouth, Seunghyub wants to lasso them back in. The atmosphere chills instantly, the relative quiet of the floor unhelpful. Jaehyun's mouth curves down sharply.
"Jaehyun, I — "
"Wow, okay Seunghyub-ssi." Jaehyun cuts him off. His eyes are overly bright, arms crossed tight to his chest like he's strapping his organs in. "I get it. We can't all be as good as you. You're right — I don't like my job. Is that what you wanted to hear? I hate legal work and being in an office and everyone only knowing me because of noona. That's what you want me to admit? That because of that I take my lunch breaks that are literally written into our contract of employment?"
"No, I - I never should've — Jaehyun-ah, hyung was stressed and — "
"Just save it hyung," Jaehyun laughs. It sounds wet and choked, "it's fine, maybe it's good timing that you said something anyways." He tries to plaster on his usual smile but it clashes with the rest of his trembling features.
"I was going to tell everyone at lunch — I handed in my notice this morning. I'm quitting."
Seunghyub needs a reset. Of the last hour, of the last day, of the last few months. He lasted just about twenty minutes trying breathing exercises on the toilet before deciding he couldn't do it anymore.
Before he realises it, his feet are tracing a path to the roof.
Without the chains of a cubicle and his colleagues' curiosity, Seunghyub crumbles across the railing, staring despondently at the placid horizon. Where did it all go wrong?
Class president every year from elementary school to middle school, making his campaign speech in shoes handed down from his older sister, holes in his socks painstakingly mended — no.
Maybe at the point of his final year, hesitating over an undergraduate in Music before clicking on Commerce instead, the soundtrack of his mother's tired laughter from the third interview rejection this week echoing in his ears.
No. Seunghyub knows the correct answer though it's not one he readily admits. If he lets himself think about it, really deeply truly. It was the holidays he stopped taking along the way, the kindness he refused himself to appear anything less than perfect. The belief he had to do it all on his own, the refusal to put his weaknesses into someone else's hand. The path he's walked has been a successful one but looking back, it's been just as lonely, each burden he takes on himself slowing him down like another pebble added to his shoes.
Perhaps it was only natural there was a tripping point.
"Hyung."
There's the sound Seunghyub's never dreaded so much to hear. He doesn't move.
"Hyung, Seunghyub hyung." A hand hovers over his shoulder before thinking better of it. That's right, Seunghyub thinks miserably, don't touch me. He doesn't want confirmation of what Hweseung is thinking: that he's a weak selfish man, childish and paranoid to the extreme. He was right all along to treat his power like a curse, look where it's gotten him after all. "Jaehyun hyung told me what happened. Are you, do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," Seunghyub says listlessly, "he's right, whatever he said."
"There wasn't anything to be right about," Hweseung steps next to him, his right elbow neighbours Seunghyub's left, "he was upset but it sounded like you were upset too."
Seunghyub doesn't respond.
He hears Hweseung sigh. In a tone so unlike his usual cheery one, he murmurs, almost to himself: "You make it so difficult, you know hyung? To help you."
You don't have to, Seunghyub thinks but the words stop at the tip of his tongue, why should you?
"I know you want to deal with everything yourself, that you can deal with anything yourself. But you don't have to." An exhale. "You have me... And Jaehyun hyung and Hun hyung and Dongsungie too."
"That's," Seunghyub clears his throat of the rough grit, "that's not fair Hweseung-ah. You don't understand, it's not that easy."
"Isn't it? It doesn't feel that way to me though. You're honest when we're together. I like the clumsy side of you when you almost trip over yourself to get the bill, or when you get jealous of Jaehyun hyung and I playing games. When you were drunk and let me bring you home, even if you've never needed help before. Didn't that feel easy to you, hyung?"
Only because it was you. Seunghyub presses his lips together in a tight line to stop his thoughts leaking through. When Hweseung puts it like that, shooting at all his shortcomings like ducks in a row, he feels even more ashamed of how much freedom he let himself.
Hweseung sighs, a slow disappointed sound that's like pure vinegar trickling into Seunghyub's gut. He straightens up and pulls away, slow enough that Seunghyub could make a grab for his wrist, stop him in his tracks.
He doesn't.
"When you're ready to be a human," Hweseung says, footsteps fading away, "then let's talk again, Seunghyub-ssi. When I confess, I'm not confessing to the golden boy of Sales or whoever you're pretending to be."
"I fucked up." Seunghyub chants numbly. He's one data entry error away from smashing his face into the screen. "I fucked up." His brain is still lingering on Hweseung's last words, repeated over and over again like a glitchy record.
When I confess. When I confess. When I confess.
"Uh," Dongsung squeaks from behind, "is this related to my performance review?"
"F — !" Seunghyub straightens up and then very nearly does go reeling into his monitor. "Dongsung-ah!"
"Hi," Dongsung says, perfectly meek and polite, "I'm here to check on you?"
"I'm fine." Seunghyub says automatically and then kicks himself for it almost immediately. See this is why Hweseung doesn't like him.
"You don't look fine," Dongsung says gently, one hand descending to pat his shoulderblade awkwardly, "can I take you home hyung?"
Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes
"I — " Seunghyub looks around at the empty office and the bright glare of his Excel sheet. He swivels his head to look at Dongsung, white flash of teeth against his lower lip like a little nervous mouse. "Okay, yeah sure."
"Really?" Dongsung says, disbelieving, before it trips into joy. "I mean, awesome. Let's go hyung, I'm parked two blocks over."
"Who asked you to come get me?" Seunghyub asks, mindlessly flicking his mouse around to shut everything down. Dongsung reaches down to grab Seunghyub's bag, handing it off to him.
"No one!"
Jaehyun hyung.
"Jaehyunie?" Seunghyub stops, bag strap hovering over his shoulder. "Really?"
Dongsung's mouth hangs open in panic, eyes resembling cue balls, "Did I say that out loud?"
Seunghyub chooses not to answer. His head is spinning the entire time they leave the building and climb into Dongsung's car, staring at the skyscrapers whizzing past in a blur of corporate lights as Dongsung nervously glances between his pondering face and the main road.
"I hurt Jaehyunie, right?" Seunghyub parses.
Dongsung hesitates, but only for a moment. Kind, but blunt, says, "You did hyung, you really did."
Seunghyub lolls his head back and places the heels of his palms over his eyes, pressing them in with a deep hiss. Why is living a good life so hard?
"I'm going to make it right," he says firmly, "I'll talk to him when he's ready and apologise. I let some other things I've been stressed about affect me too much, it just slipped out, but he didn't deserve that. It mustn't have been an easy decision to make and share."
Dongsung stays silent for a bit. "At least you know that hyung," he says mildly, "I was going to be harsher with you but I think you feel bad enough."
"Gee, thanks Dongsung-ah."
"So then when are you going to talk to Hweseung-hyung?"
Seunghyub chokes on air.
"Wha — what are you talking about? What are you saying?"
"Uh," Dongsung stammers, pulling up to the front of Seunghyub's building and giving him a weak smile, "nothing. Bye hyung, see you tomorrow?"
"Did he tell you?" Seunghyub opens the car door and half clambers out before turning back to Dongsung. He looms in, demanding, uncaring of a second car hovering impatiently behind them for their turn at the spot. "What did he say?"
Dongsung looks anxiously over at the car behind them and makes a constipated face.
"Sorry hyung." He bites his lip and pushes Seunghyub backwards, firmer than expected, forcing him out of the car. Why are all of his dongsaengs defying him like this nowadays, Seunghyub just wants to know. Have a chat with whoever's inspiring it. "See you tomorrow!"
"I owe you an apology."
"Ah hyung," Jaehyun already looks plenty pleased with the expensive sashimi platter Seunghyub ordered him as repentance, tucking into the fatty fish like he's popping 300 won pieces of kimbap into his mouth, "that's unnecessary. I've received your heart already."
"I wanted to say it though," Seunghyub insists, swirling his own piece of tuna around in a pool of soy sauce. It doesn't seem right to eat until he's exorcised all of his guilt, "it wasn't right of me to say that, not to you."
"Well," Jaehyun hums cheerily, "the timing could've been better, that's for sure hyung. But, I don't know, when I had a chance to think about it — is it strange of me to say? I was glad someone noticed."
"Glad?"
"Yeah. I'm glad one person realised how much I wasn't enjoying my job, it made me doubt my decision less." Jaehyun gives him a wide smile, familiar wrinkles creasing up. "My family were so worried, of course they were, but I think it's the right choice. I never wanted to do law anyways. You know I do this a lot," he flaps his hand in the imitation of a mouth opening and shutting at rapid speed, "it was more about finding an outlet for it as an adult. And obviously my parents and noona were happy with a stable career path. They're not so sure about the Youtube thing as a career but Hunnie's willing to give it a try with me, so I guess we'll see!"
"I still can't believe he agreed to that." Seunghyub shakes his head disbelievingly. He's since made up with Hun since last weekend, the perks of being one of his closest (only) friends is that it gets him a little more leeway around his pissy fits as Hun likes to call them. Still, he couldn't believe it when Hun mentioned he might be expanding out his freelance work in the future. With Jaehyun. "Hun? Of all people?"
"He has a lot more sides to him than you'd think," Jaehyun says thoughtfully, "sometimes I wish I could read his mind, I'd love to find out what's going on in there."
Seunghyub glitches before covering it up with a weak laugh. "That could be dangerous."
"You think?" Jaehyun says obliviously. "I guess you could find out all the murder plots he's got stored away up there, but I'm pretty sure 80% of his brain is Romang filled."
"You're probably right," Seunghyub concedes, "he's a cat slave through and through. It's funny the two of you get along so well, I never would've imagined it."
"Your imagination is limited," Jaehyun condescends with a conductor's wave of his chopsticks, "you think so little of other people hyung. You have all these expectations about how people are and what they should want and who they should get along with, and everytime you're surprised when your expectations are wrong."
"And what am I supposed to do about that?" Seunghyub sniffs, feeling himself get a little huffy. It's not his fault that he's this way.
"Just," Jaehyun spins his chopsticks around his fingers like drumsticks, doing a little ba-dum-tsst and poking in Seunghyub's direction with them, "trust people a little more."
"Whatever ideas you have of them are always going to be a little different to how they see themselves and that's part of being human, that uncertainty. When we manage to communicate across that gap, don't you think it's amazing?"
It's oddly deep for someone currently trying to stuff as much of the sashimi platter in his mouth as possible but well.
Maybe that just proves Jaehyun's point.
The last person he needs to talk to is the most important and hardest conversation of all. Seunghyub doesn't really know how to approach it so he's let it linger, possible conversation starters roaming his mind as he dials his mother to tell her of his approved leave.
(Jaehyun's departure was maybe just the kick he needed for a reset, to look at himself more firmly and see whether the person staring back in the mirror looks like what Seunghyub wants to be. He doesn't know if he'll find the answers in Daegu but at least there'll be a warm bowl of daltteok and his mother and sister waiting.)
He's been on the phone for an hour and a bit now, one anecdote about his mother's church friends away from messaging his noona and begging her to get their mother to put down the phone when the bell rings politely.
"Oh there's someone at the door," Seunghyub says apologetically, getting to his feet. He's secretly thankful for whoever it is. He'd take a Mormon or a cultist, that's how desperate he is, "eomma, eomma, yes I'll talk to you again, yes I'll make sure to bring you, yes, yes, okay, yes... Love you, can't wait to see you… Oh."
Hweseung blinks up at him from the other side of the door, unreadable set to his eyebrows. "Bad timing?"
"Um," Seunghyub's mouth dries up, hastily hanging up and stuffing his phone in his pocket, "no. No, good timing, actually um. Good."
"Then can I...?" Hweseung gestures with both hands and it's only then Seunghyub realises he's holding a thermos in one, lunchbox tins in the other.
"Of course! Come, come in!"
Hweseung takes a stride past the threshold, deftly removing his shoes and setting the food on Seunghyub's table. Seunghyub watches with no small amount of bemusement as he bustles about, no nonsense, in Seunghyub's own kitchen — chopsticks, bowls, glasses. Even knows where Seunghyub keeps the nice placemats his mother gave him, the one he's used maybe once himself in Hweseung's presence.
How has he done it, this kid, made himself at home in Seunghyub's kitchen and his heart all at once.
His heart. Seunghyub's fingers graze his chest absently. His heart is thumping away like anything, kinetic energy so strong it's enough to singe his fingers.
Seunghyub once thought that crushes were for middle and high schoolers. Seunghyub's still out of range of either but apparently that doesn't make him immune from feeling at ease at the sound of Hweseung's voice, greedy for Hweseung's body in his arms or his sole attention, aching emptily at the sight of Hweseung's back disappearing behind a rooftop door without ever asking him to stay.
He knows — has known, if he's really being honest with himself — how he feels about Hweseung. But naming things gives them power, power that Seunghyub didn't think he could cede. Not until now.
"Hweseung, I like you."
Not until he turned thirty and realised that his world isn't as simple as he always thought it to be. That things he thought he could control were never his to begin with. It's oddly freeing.
"I'm sorry. Not that I said it, but that I took so long to say it. I'm a weak person with a lot of issues and fears, Hweseung-ah, but I'm being shameless enough to ask if you'll accept a cowardly hyung like me."
Hweseung blinks. Then pulls out a chair.
"You could've waited until we finished eating."
"Hweseung-ah." Seunghyub all but growls, stalking intently across the space until he's only a few centimetres away from actually touching him. He's a thread away from laughter, insanity, tears. All that talk of names giving things power has him fearing that perhaps it's too much power, desperation so strong it's burning him alive every second Hweseung doesn't respond. "Please."
"You already know the answer hyung," Hweseung says frankly although he refuses to look Seunghyub squarely in the eyes, preferring somewhere convenient on his forehead, "do I have to say it back or can we eat the pork backbone stew I made and k-kiss after?"
Hweseung's brief stammer undoes all his cheeky bravado. Seunghyub thinks he could burst right now with a prick of a pin and confetti would shower the room.
"Now would be nice." He breathes, and Hweseung, obliging dongsaeng he is, rises on his tiptoes to obey.
For the first time since he turned thirty, Seunghyub's mind goes blissfully silent.
EPILOGUE
"1, 2, 3. All iz well, we're 2IDIOTS."
"Wow, now what are we doing today, today we're finally…"
"Yaha! Finally doing an, drumroll please, unboxing of our GOLD Youtube. Play. Button."
"Yes, thank you to all one million and one of our subscribers. We never thought we would get this much love when we started the channel a year ago, but we're extremely grateful and we'll do our best to repay it."
"That'sss right, I remember when I first brought the idea up to Hunnie, he looked at me like — "
"Yah, I did not look like that! Anyways, what was I supposed to think? Everyone, you might not know this if you're new, but Jaehyunnie was working fulltime as a lawyer then, I know, a lawyer. Wouldn't you be confused if someone wanted to quit their successful highpaying job to run a Youtube channel with someone he barely knows?"
"What do you mean "barely knows"! I thought we were — "
[SLATE]
"Anyways, back to what we're doing today, we'll be unboxing the button and answering some questions you guys sent through. Ready Jaehyun-ah?"
"Ready!"
"Okay, okay, ya, you gotta do some ASMR with the box first before you rip it open! Okay, first question: when will Hwebbit make another appearance on your channel."
"Ah, Hwebbit-ssi, yaaaa, he's a guest in high demand."
"Extremely high demand. Unfortunately, Hwebbit-ssi isn't in Seoul right now."
"That's right, he'll be in Daegu until…"
"Ah, Seunghyub hyung said they'd be back in two weeks."
"There you go everyone, he'll be back in two weeks. If we can get him back onto the channel, we will. Leave some comments about any ideas you have about what you want us to do!"
"Someone, please leave a comment asking him to cook for us — "
[SLATE]
"Yes come on! I'm asking the questions now. 2IDIOTS, I'm a new subscriber here, what was your first impression of each other?"
"Welcome, welcome. A good question, do you want to answer first or should I?"
"Ah, mine is easy. Cat slave — the first time we met, he wouldn't talk to me the entire time and then I asked about his lockscreen of Romangie and it was like whooooosh."
"Yeah, sounds about right."
"Okay, now I want to hear your answer."
"Ah, well let me see, the first time we met, it was through a close hyung, Seunghyub hyung. Jaehyun knew him through work so we all ended up at dinner together. My first impression of him was… loud."
"Yes come on!"
"Yah, let me finish. Jaehyun is a total E, I remember him talking a lot, laughing a lot. But… how can I say this. In the quiet moments, when someone else was talking, or when our friends were too obsessed with each other to pay attention to us, he also seemed a little lost."
"Eoh?"
"So I'd say my first impression of him was a happy puppy who got lost on the street but was trying to find his way back home."
"...you have such weird descriptors for people."
"It's the question!"
[SLATE]
"Yes come on! Next question — wah, there's so much bubble wrap, wow — oppas, is Seunghyub-oppa dating anyone? Interested parties want to know!"
"Aigoo…"
"I'm sorry…"
"Hyung is breaking a lot of hearts, isn't he."
"It's okay, he's annoying to date anyways, you're not missing out on anything. Don't let his face fool you."
"That's right, and well — actually, this could be a good idea for another prank video. What if we go out for dinner with hyung and [BEEP] and imitate how gross they are."
"Cosplaying Seunghyub hyung and [BEEP], yah… That's good, we'd have to check with hyung and his partner first if they want to debut as a couple on our channel but let us know in the comments if you want to see that!"
[SLATE]
"Okay, yah, yah, Jaehyun-ah, stop checking yourself out in the reflection, this is a fun question. Reading minds or teleportation?"
"Let's say our answers on three? 1, 2, 3."
"Absolutely not mind reading." "Absolutely not mind reading."
"There you go everyone, 2IDIOTS are united in answer."
"You might think it sounds cool everyone, but um…"
"It can be really inconvenient seeing what people think about you. If you're the type of person to obsess about your image and that kind of thing, you should never be a mind reader because you end up second guessing all of your behaviour and urgh, it's a mess."
"Yeah, and I think what's inside your head is private and just for you. I wouldn't want to accidentally hear someone else's thoughts."
"Although it could be good sometimes."
"Yeah, I guess it can be good. But communicating with people through words is better, I think. It feels more honest because if they tell you their thoughts, they're doing it willingly, because they trust you."
"Yeah… wah, we got so serious didn't we! Everyone, don't worry, we're not speaking from our own personal experience, it's just our thoughts!"
"Yeah, just generally. And teleportation would be so cool!"
"Exactly! I hope that's my superpower when I turn 30… ack!"
[SLATE]