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In a rundown shopping center in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, Agent Sebastian was in hot pursuit of a lazybones who had left his cart in the mulch. The man had sassed back when Agent Sebastian politely informed him of his wrongdoing. A hood magnet of shame had been placed, but the man had defiantly tossed it in the other direction while saying a few not-so-choice words.
While running to retrieve the magnet he slowed his speed as he passed a middle-aged man with coke bottle glasses gathering carts. He assumed the man must work for one of the stores in the run-down plaza. "Good day, Sir," he said, giving a respectful nod before turning his attention back to the problem at hand and bending down to pick up the magnet.
Any hopes Sebastian had of the offending lazybones having a change of heart were dashed as he saw the beat-up car nearing the end of the parking lot. “Cart narcs speed engaged!”
Sebastian quickly gained on the vehicle and successfully tossed his hood magnet of shame on the rear bumper. “Bullseye!”
The Agent watched as the car drove away, delighted to see that they didn't notice his second magnet toss.
He was making his way back when from the distance, he spotted the cart coral worker on the far right side of the parking lot. Sebastian was about to turn his head away from the righteous sight when he saw the man pull out one of the carts. The mans eyes surveyed his surroundings before casually knocking the cart down into the ravine.
“Oh my, narcateers! It appears we are witnessing cart abuse of the worst kind!”
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“What are you doing, Sir?”
Bubbles looked around nervously. “I… was...taking a piss.”
“Uh, well that wouldn’t be very appropriate. But I don’t think that’s what you were doing.”
“Who…who are you?”
“I’m Agent Sebastian. I’m a cart narc.”
Bubbles began to sweat profusely. “Narc…like narcotics?” He stammered out.
“No. Like narcing on someone. I narc on people who don’t take their carts back. Or in this case, people who abuse shopping carts.”
“Well…I…I ain’t done nothing wrong!”
“Sir, I saw you push that cart down into the ravine.”
“Nah. I just..I’m a bit unsteady on my feet. I walked into it and it fell. So that's what happened.”
“No. I saw you push it with your hand.”
“Who...who do you work for?” Bubbles stammered out.
“I work for humanity at large.”
“I don’t know that store. Is it new here?” Asked Bubbles.
“No, I mean I work for humanity at large, as in I make sure people are doing right by the carts.”
“Oh. Well, that's too bad, I was hoping it might be a new discount store. You know the cost of cat food is so high.” He paused then added. “Well, I best be going now.”
Agent Sebastian looked into the ravine and could see several more carts down in the ravine laying on their sides. The abuse made him want to cry. He rushed to catch up with the quickly retreating Bubbles. “There’s quite a few carts down there in that ravine. Do you happen to know anything about that?”
“Nope. I’ve got no idea,” Bubbles replied.
“Oh, now you’re just being a liarbones.”
Bubbles stopped and let out an annoyed sigh. “Alright yeah, but I’ve got a perfectly good explanation for why I do what I do.”
“Perfectly good explanation for abusing shopping carts. What is that? The store needs these carts. How would you like it if you went into the store and you couldn’t find a shopping cart because somebody tossed them all down there?”
“Nah, it ain’t like that. Them carts need fixing up, so I take them home and then I make them like new. Clean the mulch off, repair a broken wheel or two.“
“Ah, you really are a liar bones!”
“No. I gotta earn a living. So once they’re all fixed up I take them to another mall and sell them.”
Agent Sebastian's eyes widened. “You do what?”
"I come back at night and I take them home and then later I resell them to another mall."
“Sir, that’s illegal.”
“No, it’s not.”
“It’s stealing.”
"No, it’s not," Bubbles insisted.
“You are taking carts that belong to this store and then reselling them, how is that not stealing?”
“It’s not stealing because I do the work on them! And then most of the money I make I spend it back here on cat food so they ain't losing nothing.”
"Would you like to come with me to return the shopping carts and have a polite conversation?" Asked Agent Sebastian
"No, I would not."
Agent Sebastian sighed. "Alright. Well, I'm gonna go return all those shopping carts, and then-"
"Don't you fucking touch those carts!" Yelled Bubbles.
"Sir, they belong to the store. They need to go back to the cart corral."
This time it was Bubbles pursuing Agent Sebastian. "You're fucking getting on my nerves now. It took me the better part of an hour to get all those carts down there!"
Sebastian quickly made it to the ravine. "Alright narcateers, we gotta be careful going.." he said as he lost his footing and slid down into the wet muddy grass. "Down."
Bubbles had caught up by now, and as Sebastian used one of the carts to boost himself back up, Bubbles tossed another cart down into the ravine, just narrowly missing the cart narc. "The cart narcs are being assault...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screamed Agent Sebastian as claws landed on his cheeks and a mouth bit down on his nose. Unbeknownst to him, a big grey feral cat who Bubbles had rescued from a trap had been observing the whole interaction, and from what they could tell, this Agent Sebastian was encroaching on Bubble's turf.
"Good kitty! Looks like someone will be busy in the ER tonight," said Bubbles, pleased that business would go on as usual.