Chapter Text
I found this old diary covered in dust under the couch. At first, I thought I was gonna get to snoop and read some dude's secrets. But to my disappointment, it was blank. Whoever owned this place before me must have forgotten about it. So now I've decided to write in it. Why? Because I'm bored, and it's better company than most people cause I can whine at it and it won't tell me to shut up.
So there I was, minding my own business, eating some pizza, when some ugly bald dude walked in. He said something about my brother and then threw my desk at me. Well, of course, being my awesome self, I dodged it easily. Now I'm thinking that was the most pathetic excuse for an attack ever. The demons must be losing their touch.
Yeah, demons, devils, whatever ya wanna call them. I'm a devil hunter. Don't believe me? I don't care, you'll believe me when you get eaten by one. Then your family members will come crying to me to kill it. I get paid and everyone's happy. Well, I guess I'm the only happy one, but that suits me fine.
I assumed this guy was a devil cause he's too ugly to be human. Then again, not all demons are ugly. Just look at me, I'm anything but ugly. Well, I guess he could be human, I mean, Enzo is human and there are few things uglier than him.
Anyway, as I was thinking about how weak an attack that was a whole bunch of devils appeared around me and ram their scythes through me. Now this was beginning to get annoying. After I kicked their asses, I reached for my pizza when a survivor I didn't notice stepped on my pizza and ruined it! Now he has got to pay! So then I got revenge on the stupid thing and realized how messed up my shop was. I hadn't even named it yet and it was already falling apart!
So I went outside to kill some more devils and suddenly I got the urge to sneeze. I sneezed and my whole shop came crashing down! Now I'm mad. So I killed all their sorry asses.
Then this huge freaking tower came outta the ground and my bro Vergil was standing on top. Last time I had seen Vergil was about a year ago. I thought he died when we were kids, but it turns out he survived. Normally, I would have been glad that he was still alive, but there was a problem: he wanted to open a portal to hell which would have allowed tons of demons to come to earth. That would be a pain, so I decided I gotta stop him.
I entered the tower only to find the biggest dog I'd ever seen. Seeing as he had three heads, I guessed he was a Cerberus. I kicked his ass and then he turned into some awesome icy nunchucks. Then some psycho chick fired a rocket at me and rode off on her motorcycle. It was a pretty weird day.
I moved on through the tower until I met some guy named Jester. He was annoying as hell but it seemed like he was trying to help, I guess.
I kept going through the tower killings tons of demons until I eventually got to the top. I fought my bro, got stabbed a few times, and then transformed and attacked him. I've transformed like this before but only then did I recognize the power for what it was. I turn into a true devil for a short amount of time. I decided to call it devil trigger.
If you're wondering how I can do this, it's because I'm a half-devil. That's right, my dad was a super-powerful demon named Sparda and my mom was a human. From what I hear, my dad was supposed to be a hero to humans. He turned on the other devils and saved the human race. He then sealed the other devils into hell so they could never invade the human world again. He did a pretty bad job of sealing them though, cause they're all over the place.
Anyway, so I went devil trigger and attacked my bro who stabbed me again and then left. At this point, I was feeling pretty bad, so I passed out for a bit.
When I came to, I was much stronger than I had been. I decided my business at the top was over, so I jumped off the tower, then I got eaten by a huge flying whale. Like I said, that day had been pretty weird.
I decided that the best way to get out was to destroy its heart and kill it. However, it had three hearts and none of them wanted to be destroyed. So now I was fighting hearts that can shoot laser beams. Wow. I killed it and then cut my way out of its eye.
Then I once again met psycho chick. Was this the third time? I guess it doesn't matter, I still didn't like her.
I left and continued fighting my way through the tower only now I was trying to go lower. Eventually, I reached the bottom and fought Vergil again. Then the worst thing possible happened: we both get owned by Jester! Well, actually Jester was the ugly bald dude I met before. Apparently, this whole thing was a trap, and me, Vergil, and the psycho lady all fell for it.
I moved on after the humiliation and continued through. After a while, I met up with the psycho lady and we had a bit of a disagreement. I promised her that I'd kill the ugly bald dude/Jester who, it turned out, was her dad. I have no idea how a pretty lady like her had such an ugly dad.
To make a long story short, I took a trip to hell and beat the hell out of the ugly bald dude/Jester with help from Vergil, and then I fought Vergil again. I beat him and he chose to stay in hell. I was hoping he'd finally see reason, but I guess his pride got the better of him. Although we didn't get along, he's still family, so I can't help but miss him.
Lady actually turned out to not be too bad. She helped me name my shop. We decided on the name Devil May Cry. It's something she said to help me when I was feeling down about Vergil.
Well, that's it for this diary entry, till next time, I guess.