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Connor’s brand spanking new boyfriend isn’t a fan of loud noises. Between the severe anxiety disorder and the autism, Evan Hansen just doesn’t seem to be able to tolerate them well. Connor’s used to being quiet around him. The two spend more time indoors together than out partying with friends. Of course, that’s also mostly because Connor generally hates people. Especially when they come in crowds.
But Jared fucking Kleinman is throwing a New Year’s Eve party at his house while his parents are off on some business trip. The annoyingly loud goblin that Evan happens to be friends with doesn’t even bother asking Connor if it’s okay. He just straight up invites Evan, and tells him to bring ‘that goth emo boyfriend’ of his.
When Evan forwards the text to him, Connor’s not even sure whether to laugh or be offended.
He agrees to go only for Evan’s sake, because Evan can’t say no even when his life depends on it, and parties definitively freak Evan out. Connor’s only going as his loving boyfriend and emotional support human, not because he actually wants to be there in any way, shape, or form.
Evan, predictably, is already on edge even when Connor picks him up from his house to drive to the party. Connor tries to keep him calm. He drills Evan on questions about trees. He doesn’t really care about the trees. They both know that this is more Evan’s interest than Connor’s. But he knows the blonde appreciates it anyway.
The party is hell right off the bat, at least to Connor. They’re one of the first couples to arrive at Jared’s, and already the overly energetic boy is drunk. He offers them both liquor, but Evan doesn’t drink and Connor is in charge of making sure Evan doesn’t have a heart attack from all the overstimulation, so he can’t. Not tonight at least.
They try to stay in a corner away from others, but they have to yell over the music, and everytime Connor raises his voice so Evan can hear, he sees the blonde flinch in terror. So eventually they head outside to the backyard, where there’s no music and where Connor can talk quietly enough to not make Evan jump at the sound every single time. Connor wants to leave, but Evan thinks this would be very rude, so they stay.
Everything’s going okay enough until Connor hears the back door open. He turns, and his eyes widen as he sees Jared, the loudest boy in school, with a box of fireworks and firecrackers in his arms.
“Okay people! It’s almost midnight so it’s time to set these bad boys off!”
Evan’s shaking so badly that Connor’s afraid he’ll pass out. Connor waves the boy with glasses over, eye twitching in clear irritation as Jared grins and skips over to the couple.
“Connor Murphy, future school shooter, what can I do for ya?”
Connor lets the stupid nickname go, at least this time, if only because there are more pressing things to discuss. “You’re really gonna set those off around Evan?” He asks with a pointed glare.
“Aw, geez, Con, I didn’t think of that. Well, uh, go inside, I guess?” Jared shrugs, and Connor’s teeth begin to grind.
“The music’s too loud. And anyway if you’re shooting those off right in the backyard, we’ll still hear it.”
Jared inhales, looking like he’s about to start screeching as per usual, when Evan pipes up, sounding strangely quiet, even for him.
“I-It’s okay, Connie,” he mumbles softly. “I-I’ll b-be fine.” He doesn’t sound at all convincing. Connor’s about to pull him aside and tell him he doesn’t have to do this, when Jared speaks over him.
“Awwww, Connie!” he cackles out, clearly amused with the nickname Evan has for Connor. “Am I allowed to call you that too??”
Connor’s losing the very small amount of patience he has left for this boy. His hands ball into fists, and if not for Evan forcefully stepping between them, Connor knows he would’ve hit Jared.
“Please, Jare, don’t tease him,” Even murmurs, resting a hand on Connor’s arm to try and calm him. “Go set off your little fireworks. Everything’s fine here.”
Connor watches, still trembling with rage, as Jared laughs and walks off back to his party. “Why the fuck are you friends with him again?” he asks in a low tone.
“I’m his family friend, Connie. It’s different…” Evan mumbles, though he too looks upset by all the commotion that’s just occurred.
“Whatever, you know what? Screw it. Why don’t we go back to your house, and I’ll help your mom make hot chocolate for us, and we can read that new tree book I got you for Christmas. Why do you even want to stay here?”
“Because he already thinks I’m enough of a loser,” Evan admits, staring down at his shoes. And fuck it if that doesn’t make Connor wanna beat the shit out of Jared even more.
He wants to say something, anything that can comfort his sweet, kind, amazing boyfriend who he loves so much, but before he can there’s a noise like a gunshot-the fireworks, Connor guesses-and several things happen all at once.
Evan almost immediately flings himself into Connor’s arms, hands torn between clapping aggressively over his ears and gripping tightly onto Connor’s jacket. And Connor immediately goes into his Protect Evan mode
“Come on, baby, stay with me,” he pleads as he starts to drag Evan as far away from the sound as they can get. “We’re going home now, sweetheart. I promise we’re going home, where it’s quiet.”
When the next boom sounds, Evan starts to hyperventilate. Badly. Connor ignores the overprotective voice in his head telling him to beat the shit out of anyone who caused his sweet baby to act like this, and instead leads the blonde back into the house.
Only, the house isn’t safe either, because as the music blasts Evan starts to scream and sob and bang his head with his hands from the overstimulation.
“No more, Connie! No more!” Evan begs as Connor presses him even more tightly into his body.
“Just a little more, baby, you’re okay. You’re safe, I promise,” Connor murmurs, his need to get Evan to safety being the only thing keeping him going as he finally gets the poor blonde out front where his car is parked. “Ev, sweetheart? I need you to try and breathe, okay? I won’t let the noise hurt you anymore. I promise.”
Another crackling firework. Evan chokes and sobs into Connor’s chest. “Make it go away, Connie, please!” He cries out.
Connor almost throws them both into the old volkswagen his parents bought for him. He closes the door shut, not caring that he’s basically pulled Evan into his lap in the passenger seat. “Hey, shhhh. Breathe, angel. Just breathe for me, please?”
Evan’s still hitting his head with his fists, and with a quiet, “shit,” Connor tries to tug his hands away so that Evan is no longer harming himself.
“Nonononono Connie please!” Evan whines as he struggles against Connor’s firm grip. “Need to stim! Need it please!”
“You can do all the stims you like as long as they don’t hurt you, baby,” Connor replies firmly. “Here. I’ve got stim toys in the glove compartment. Do you want cubes? Those little pop it bubble things? Fidget spinner? Slime? There’s also your stuffies and a blanket in the backseat. I can pull up your meltdown playlist on Spotify too, if you’d like-“
“No noise!” Evan sobs, and Connor curses himself for ever asking about music.
“Okay, angel. Okay. No noise. No noise ever again if that’s what you need,” he promises, his own heart pounding with adrenaline as he tries to think of ways to calm Evan down.
“J-Jacket-“ Evan whimpers, and Connor gets the message immediately.
Not giving a shit that it’s freezing, he tears his hoodie off, and works to wrap it fully around Evan so that his boyfriend can feel safer.
“Better?” He asks, trying to stay calm even though he’s terrified of Evan getting worse.
“M-mhm…” Evan nods, wrapping his arms tightly around Connor’s back once the taller boy is positive that Evan isn’t going to use his hands to harm himself anymore.
Evan doesn’t mean to self harm, not the way Connor does when he burns or cuts himself just to make his own pain stop. No, Evan’s different. Evan’s meltdowns usually result in him hitting his head. It’s more of an instinctual act that they’re both trying to get him to relearn. Just like Evan helps Connor when he self harms, Connor also helps Evan.
“Beary…” Evan pleads, sounding like he’s worried that Connor will try to keep his stuffed animal from him.
“Yes, you can always have him…if I can manage to reach him like this,” Connor forces himself to laugh a bit, hoping Evan will calm down a bit more and maybe will also help him be able to reach his comfort stuffy a little bit faster.
It doesn’t help much. If anything, Evan only clings harder as Connor tries to reach back to grab the plush friend. He can’t even be annoyed. Evan’s anxiety attacks usually leave him clingy, especially seeing as Connor is the only person in his life besides his mom who still sticks around for them.
“Ev, baby,” he finally says, realizing it’s hopeless, he can’t grab Beary if Evan’s grappling him and holding him in place like a koala. “I can’t reach him. Do you think you can…let me up for a se-?”
Evan grips on more tightly, now enough for it to actually hurt. That’s a no then, and maybe even an indication that the stress of the situation has finally made Evan go temporarily nonverbal.
“Okay, okay, shhh. I won’t make you get up. Do you wanna reach over and grab him?” Connor asks, trying to come to some sort of compromise with the blonde.
Evan shakes his head quickly, and the iron grip around Connor’s body starts making it a little hard to breathe.
“Okay, guess I’m stuck being bear hugged then,” he teases, trying to think of the softest, kindest way to ask Evan to loosen his grip just a bit without upsetting the blonde.
Evan doesn’t respond, just lowers his head down until it’s resting on Connor’s chest. Connor can feel tears soaking through his t-shirt, but, well, it’s black, so he doesn’t really care.
“Hey, Evie,” he coos softly, trying to get Evan back to a somewhat calmer state. “It’s okay. I’m right here, baby. I’m here.” He suddenly doesn’t really care that it’s hard to breathe. As long as Evan feels safe, he’s perfectly fine.
“I ruined our night…” Evan chokes out quietly. “I h-had a meltdown a-and ruined our night. Y-you must h-hate me…”
“I could never hate you,” Connor replies firmly as he kisses the top of Evan’s head. “Absolutely never, angel. I love you so much.
“A-and you’ll stay forever..?” Evan pleads, looking terrified that Connor will say no.
“Always, sweetheart,” Connor says instead. “I will always stay with you and keep you safe. Anything you need, I’ll always give you, Evie. You know that.”
“Y-you s-spoil me,” Evan murmurs, his grip loosening to a bearable pressure as he gives Connor a soft, watery smile.
“And I’m gonna keep doing it til you get sick of me,” Connor replies. “Now, since you’re better, you asked for Beary, and I promised I’d give him to you, so if you could just-“
“O-oh!” Evan flushes in embarrassment and shame. “I’m s-sorry, Connie…I w-wanted him but also didn’t w-want you to leave…” he admits in a soft, sad voice.
He shifts just long enough for Connor to grab the bear and gently press it into his waiting arms.
“I would never leave you during a panic attack. You know that, sweetheart,” Connor murmurs soothingly. “Now, should we sit for a while longer, or do you want me to drive us back to your place?”
“I-C-Connie I d-don’t w-want t-to n-not be h-held y-yet,” Evan stammers out, looking on the verge of another panic attack before the taller boy gently shushes him.
“I will not stop holding you until you tell me it’s okay, Evan. That’s why I gave you options,” he murmurs gently as he squeezes Evan against his chest. “You’re safe, angel. I promise.”
And finally, Evan seems to believe him.
“Th-Thank you for taking c-care of me, Connie…” the blonde mumbles into Connor’s chest.
“Of course, baby. I’ll always take care of you,” Connor replies. And he means it too.