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Alejandro could remember it as if it were yesterday.
When he was a kid, maybe twelve or thirteen years old, he used to run away from home and sometimes skip school to play in the mountains of Las Almas, not every day but most of them. He had a small but close-knit group of friends with whom they played at hiding in the trees and jumping into ravines while chasing each other, they played at making little hidden bases out of branches and rubbish they found lying around in nature, they liked to pretend they were soldiers or policemen, some doctors, some thieves, they had a whole world to themselves.
Rodrigo Parra was their age and had arrived at Las Almas with his family a few weeks after the start of school, and with him was a boy two years younger, Rodolfo Parra. They had all refused Rodolfo entry to their group because he was younger than them, saying it would only be a nuisance to have to check that he didn't get hurt or lost, but Alejandro and Rodrigo took their responsibility when it came to playing in the mountains, if anything happened to Rodolfo it would be their fault and nobody else's.
They taught him to jump between ravines, to make small weapons out of wood, to make forts, they taught him things that were right and things that were wrong. The three of them became a little family of their own. Alejandro grew fond of the Parras and they of him, but there was something special between him and Rodolfo. Rodrigo could feel it even if they didn't, so he looked for moments to leave them alone.
When Rodolfo turned sixteen and Alejandro was still seventeen they escaped to the mountains as usual, this time to celebrate apart from the small party at the Parra's house, where they were starting to get bored. So they left Rodrigo to watch their backs and left together. Maybe they were no longer playing cops or doctors or thieves, but they were still chasing each other just for a good laugh.
Rodolfo was chasing Alejandro, both of them jumping between the holes that fell into the void with ease, accustomed to it since they were children as if it were a simple game and they were not risking their lives doing it. But they didn't think much of it, least of all Rodolfo, since Alejandro had promised to tell him something important if he managed to catch him. Besides, they had always been very competitive with each other.
Alejandro was laughing and teasing him for not being able to catch him when Rodolfo tried to jump over a gap and fell before he had calculated. The fall would be about twenty metres, maybe more, maybe less, but Alejandro wasn't going to dwell on that when his friend was dangling between life and death.
Vargas almost fell over the edge when he leaned out to grab his forearm, and they both got countless scrapes as Alejandro pulled Rodolfo back to solid ground. Where he embraced him as if to let go would mean leaving him hanging over the void again to await certain death, Rodolfo had been left on top of him, both entangled in each other's arms with shaky breaths trying to process the experience of a few seconds ago.
"Eres un pendejo" Alejandro murmured against the skin of his neck, Rodolfo felt a shiver run down his back.
"Cállate o te tiro por el borde" Rodolfo replied, still clinging to his friend's shirt as if his life depended on it, Alejandro could feel his trembling hands gripping him tightly, still afraid. He tried to pull away when he noticed the embarrassing position, but Alejandro held him in place. "Ale?"
"No, quédate así" And he pulled their bodies closer together, hiding in the crook of Rodolfo's neck. Parra blushed at the request. "You almost die, cabrón, wait a little more"
"I'm okay Ale, en serio." Rodolfo finally let go of Alejandro's shirt, put both hands on the sides of his head and tried to get up, but Alejandro held him back again.
Alejandro wrapped his legs around his hips and cupped his face with both hands, looking at him for a few seconds before pressing their lips together. It was a little rough, Alejandro wasn't the most experienced kisser in the world and Rodolfo even less so, but they managed to make it work, making it nice and soft.
When Alejandro and Rodrigo turned nineteen and Rodolfo was still seventeen, they both joined the army. Vargas had never brought up the subject of the kiss again after it happened, so neither had Rodolfo, so the two had a strange silent agreement guided by the fear of rejection where they decided to remain friends, although they always missed a few extra kisses or caresses when they were alone.
When Rodolfo turned twenty, Alejandro returned home at twenty-two, and with the news that Rodrigo would remain twenty-one for the rest of their lives.
Alejandro was at the funeral feeling like the worst person in the world when Rodolfo approached him. Neither of them had spoken beyond Alejandro telling him about Rodrigo's death, and for a moment he thought maybe he just wanted to talk to him for a while about something trivial, like they did years ago. But Rodolfo looked him straight in the eye and asked him to join the army too.
Rodolfo's black eyes filled with a thirst for revenge would be something Alejandro would not allow himself to forget, those eyes that had always been soft and serene were now stained with pain and suffering, anger. And Alejandro could not deny anything Rodolfo had asked of him since that day.
Rodolfo was an exceptional recruit, but he would never explain why he had such great ambition to be the best in the service or to climb the ranks as high as he could, reserving that knowledge only for his childhood friend. Alejandro was proud of him and they soon became colonel and second-in-command of Los Vaqueros. — Although it was usually joked among their comrades that they should just be called Colonel because of their strong connection that made them seem as one person, they would laugh it off and deny it.
He knew it was only a matter of time before one of them would tire of their situation and act. And when he thought he should do it, Rodolfo decided to do it first.
"Oye, Ale," Rodolfo opened the door to the base kitchen, knowing full well that only Alejandro would be in the room and there was no need to call him Colonel. "Ya terminé de entrenar a los niños."
Alejandro stood static for a second, processing the nickname Rodolfo had told him at the time, it had been years since he had called him that. He turned around to see him with his coffee cup in one hand and tried to pretend that everything was being normal even though he knew it wasn't. His heart was beating extremely fast, almost as fast as that time on Rodolfo's sixteenth birthday.
"Fine" He muttered, stretched out his hand a little hesitantly and pointed to the coffee pot. "Quieres café?"
Rodolfo laughed lightly and shook his head. The sun was beginning to set and several orange rays were streaming through the window, some of them hitting Rodolfo's face directly but it didn't seem to bother him, Alejandro thought about how cute and domestic he looked. Dressed only in shorts and a short-sleeved T-shirt, it was noticeable that he had recently showered because of his damp and somewhat curly hair. Rodolfo had always had slightly wavy hair, but that was something only he knew because he was the only one who was fortunate enough to see it in that state.
"No, pero gracias" Rodolfo smiled at him and walked over to him. Alejandro took a noticeably nervous step backwards, bumping into the counter as he disregarded his space, the coffee in the cup almost spilling from the sudden collision, but Rodolfo caught it before it could fall on either of them. "Cuidado"
"Estás bien, Rudy?" Alejandro asked, trying to take the topic of conversation somewhere else when Rodolfo moved too close to him, their feet colliding together and their thighs rubbing together momentarily. He tried to fixate on the wound on his head that had healed a few nights ago after his close confrontation with Hassan, but Rodolfo wouldn't let him.
Rodolfo would be lying if he said he didn't love making Alejandro nervous. When they were teenagers it was usually the other way around and Alejandro annoyed him a lot with it, but over time he knew it would be better if he started taking the first steps. Even though they had never actually done anything, they were both okay with how they treated each other and their relationship, but Rodolfo couldn't help but want more, and he knew Alejandro felt the same way.
"Definitely" Rodolfo nodded, still smiling, acting stupidly normal for the situation he was in. "Me gustaría hablar de algo contigo, Coronel" He moved his right hand and gently took the cup from Alejandro, setting it down on the counter slightly away from them both to avoid accidents. His left hand slid around Alejandro's waist.
Don't get him wrong, as confident as he was acting, Rodolfo was shitting his pants. He was afraid that Alejandro would reject him at any moment, even if everything seemed to be going well and Alejandro wasn't pulling away, the insecurity was still there.
Alejandro's Adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed saliva nervously "De qué?"
"Nosotros" he murmured against his lips, not kissing him directly, waiting for a move from Vargas.
Alejandro's hand slid gently to Rodolfo's face, and he was about to bring their lips together, almost desperate to kiss the one he loved again after so long hiding but still wanting to be slow and enjoy the moment. He swears he almost did.
"Sergeant?" One of the recruits opened the kitchen door and the two quickly separated, Alejandro took his cup of coffee even though its contents were already lukewarm, almost cold, and Rodolfo pretended to be at a safe distance from the Coronel. They were still in a public space that anyone could use, only then did he remember. The boy's face reddened quickly before another leaned out and smacked his head. "I'm sorry!"
"We are very sorry," said his escort in a much more fluent english accent than the first, they usually spoke english to the recruits to train them in case they encountered comrades or even enemies who needed it. "Colonel, Sergeant, the plane with the members of task force 141 arrives in an hour and a half."
Rodolfo nodded "Good, get your teams organized. We'll be away for a while, Sergeant Alvarez is in charge until then."
The recruits said 'yes, sergeant' in unison and closed the door, Rodolfo laughed softly as he saw them through the window overlooking the corridor, jostling each other as one scolded the other. Probably for the imprudence of opening the door so suddenly.
"Ya deberíamos salir" The younger man tried to move further away, but Alejandro quickly grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him closer to him, holding him with his hands firmly gripping his hips to bring their lips together.
Rodolfo felt his stomach churn with sudden nerves and he closed his eyes, letting himself melt into Alejandro's caresses on his hips and his lips on his. An almost nostalgic feeling, he didn't know if Alejandro had somehow or other gotten so much better at kissing or if he had waited so long for something like this that no matter how bad it was in his head he was going to make it look beautiful.
Clearly it was the first one.
Alejandro was more attentive to what he was doing, he was aware of what to do to keep Rodolfo glued to him, he was aware of how to move his lips, where to put his hands, where to caress and what to do with his legs.
"No te creas que lo dejaremos aquí, Rod" Vargas whispered against his lips as they parted, giving him a shorter kiss then pulling away from his body. "Ve a cambiarte de ropa y salgamos a recibir a los invitados."
Rodolfo smiled like a fool in love. "Sí, Coronel."
/ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\
Rodolfo looked at himself in the mirror, bare-chested as he tried to heal all the wounds he had sustained. Luckily he was almost finishing.
Some were stitched and some were still open but they didn't need stitches, he had scrapes, bruises and even burns. He sighed as he dipped gauze in ethyl alcohol and prepared for his whole body to burn on contact.
The good thing was, with Valeria locked up, Las Almas would rest for a while.
Valeria, he thought, remembering the woman's face. The looks she and Alejandro held, their words and gestures, had not gone unnoticed by him. The communication between the two of them showed that there was a special kind of bond, though worn out, every little thing they did with each other denoted intimacy. And that bothered him.
But Alejandro and he were Nothing. Of course they weren't, even if the relationship was implied as an open secret, if there's nothing official then there's nothing to claim. It would be out of place to demand explanations about a past history from someone with whom he had nothing, it would be embarrassing even. But he couldn't help feeling curious and jealous, even if it was childish he had to admit it, he was jealous of Valeria. Not because Alejandro was with a woman in the past, but jealous because probably the two of them didn't have to hide, because they could be public without problems, because maybe Alejandro wouldn't be afraid to say he was dating someone if that someone was Valeria, because they didn't have to repress what they felt.
And of course it wasn't her fault, and it wasn't Alejandro's fault either, to have such freedom. After all, when he was "dating" Alejandro they had both made the decision to hide for fear of the others. But the fact that they had both decided to do so did not mean that they had missed out on a lot of experiences by hiding.
Two knocks on the open bathroom door made him jump in place, Alejandro was leaning on the threshold, looking at him waiting for him to notice his presence. Rodolfo sometimes forgot that they had each other's room keys, so Alejandro could walk in at any time.
"Do you need help?" He asked, looking him up and down. Rodolfo felt his face redden as he noticed the obvious look on his bare chest, Alejandro was being cheeky on purpose and he knew it.
"No, estoy bien" Rodolfo muttered, returning his gaze to the mirror to wipe one of the open wounds on his shoulder. "Were you looking for something?"
"Solo quería hablar contigo" He replied, moving from the bathroom to the bedroom. He looked at all the things Rodolfo had, his gaze stopping on an acoustic guitar that clearly hadn't been used in a while. "We left a couple of loose ends in the kitchen a few days ago and I'd like to talk about them."
"Yeah.., I think we can talk about that" He said, trying to stay focused on his injuries. He heard the detuned sound of guitar strings and peeked out the door, only then noticing that Alejandro was holding it in his hands. "What are you doing with that thing?"
"I tune it, isn't it obvious?" Alejandro said, concentrating on the sound of the strings.
"Do you even remember how to do that? hace como siete años que no tocas una"
"I have muscle memory" Rodolfo let out a laugh at his words, knowing that while it was partly true that Alejandro had muscle memory, he was doing terrible when it came to tuning the guitar.
"You're doing it like shit" He said with a laugh, dropping the cotton wool over the sink and approaching his friend — friend? — He sat down next to him and helped him tune the strings, but Alejandro couldn't concentrate on anything other than his lips as he explained, Rodolfo noticed but let it pass, if he was going to act he would and if not then it would be a shame. Indeed, Alejandro didn't move a hair. "Y listo, ya está."
He watched the man move back into the bathroom and take another gauze with alcohol, Alejandro felt stupid when the silence became tense because of him, so he moved his fingers over the strings of the guitar, praying that the silly muscle memory he claimed to have was real and wouldn't fail him.
Rodolfo paid attention to him only when he began to sing, Alejandro hadn't sung in years and he thought he remembered the last time he had done so was when they were eighteen. The melody and his voice made him feel like a teenager again.
"Que se quede el infinito sin estrellas, o que pierda el ancho mar su inmensidad"
"En serio?" he muttered with a dumb smile, walking back into the room after putting his shirt back on. Alejandro smiled at him as he nodded his head.
He remembered his mother listening to that song while Alejandro, Rodrigo and he played video games in the living room, he remembered it on the streets, in local venues. But mostly he remembered it when Alejandro played it on days when they would get together with friends, sometimes someone would bring a guitar and they would play the few songs they knew. Alejandro always played the same one, they always laughed because he didn't know another one, but Rodolfo understood why he played it.
Every time Alejandro sat down with a guitar in his hands he looked at him, they were a public secret, everyone knew something was going on but no one would say it. They were hidden but at the same time they were visible to anyone who paid them a little attention, if you looked closely they were practically glass. Alejandro's brown eyes always focused on his, he always looked at him and only him because he had no eyes for anyone else, and now was no exception.
"Pero el negro de tus ojos que no muera, y el canela de tu piel se quede igual" Alejandro nodded to him, inviting him to follow the letter with him. Rodolfo refused, he had never considered himself a good singer. But Alejandro was insistent enough to make him join him.
Rodolfo smiled, watching the older man put the guitar down on the side of the bed when they finished. "Estás hecho todo un romántico, Ale."
"Sí viste? sí que tengo memoria muscular" Alejandro's tone of voice was teasing, teasing him about their earlier conversation. He ran his hands around Rodolfo's neck and entwined his fingers behind his neck, bringing their faces closer.
"Ajá, sorry for laughing" Rodolfo laughed softly, knowing that Alejandro liked it when he admitted his mistakes after the silly little fights they had. "Hablamos ahora?"
"How about I just kiss you and we find out the rest in the middle? Because that would work really well for me" Vargas' eyes moved from his eyes to his lips, Rodolfo noticed.
"Sure, Coronel" Rodolfo pressed his lips together as he leaned his body against his, Alejandro let himself be moved by the other man so Rodolfo was comfortable on the bed as they kissed.
The two shared an increasingly intense kissing session where they constantly fought for power over each other, fortunately they had the whole night off after the days mission with the British team so they didn't worry too much about external things.
The next morning Rodolfo woke up with Alejandro hugging him while stroking his hair. He waited a few seconds before speaking, thinking about exactly what to say. He didn't want to ruin the moment, but the anxiety of not having anything concrete was bothering him more and more.
"Y si dejamos de dar vueltas?" he murmured against the bare skin of his chest, Alejandro didn't respond for a few seconds.
"Te lastimé mucho?" he whispered the question, Rodolfo felt a pressure in his own chest.
Alejandro had been feeling guilty all this time?
"We both got hurt, no fue solo cosa tuya." Rodolfo moved to stand at his level, smiling softly at him cradling his face in his hands, Alejandro put his hands around his waist. Alejandro would swear that Rodolfo's smiles could cure him of any ill, he thought it was dumb that the man's smile did him so much good. "It wasn't our fault either, there were many external factors that led us to hide. We were kids, we were afraid."
"Lo sé, pero quizá te sentiste mal cuando viste a Valeria y yo…" Alejandro's eyes watered and Rodolfo wiped away his tears before they fell from his face, his own eyes also watered but he didn't cry.
"It wasn't your fault," he assured him, still smiling. "Don't feel guilty for having loved Valeria, you had every right to be happy.— We're already fine, everything is fine, we can be together if you want."
"Of course I want to" Alejandro smiled, and more tears fell from his eyes. Rodolfo laughed, letting his own fall as well. They pressed their lips together once more, and Alejandro did it again after they parted, and again, and again, and again.
"I love you, Ale."
Alejandro laughed softly, "I love you too, Rudy."
They weren't afraid anymore.