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Dressed in a plain white T-shirt and shorts, Team climbs into the king-sized bed. Beside him, Win is already asleep. Or at least he guesses that’s the case because he doesn’t move, open his eyes, or make a sound as Team settles next to him. Although the lights are dimmed, he can see the outline of the older boy’s features. His blond hair falling against his cheek. He wants so much to reach out and curl around Win, but at the same time he doesn’t want to wake him. Team also isn’t sure if he should, given what’s just passed between them.
Almost drowning had been terrifying enough, but what happened between them after shook him to the core. Seeing Win like that—someone whose composure and steadfast temperament he’d come to rely on—seeing him undone like that was beyond understanding. Win had shouted, he’d nearly hit him, and he’d cried. Team had felt the tremors shaking him as they’d held each other. And that kiss—Team had used that kiss to try to ground Win. He’d desperately wanted to put Win back together, as he felt so helpless watching him fall apart.
Team can’t deny that he was at fault. What he’d done was irresponsible, and he’d almost paid for it with his life. But he hadn’t, by any stretch of his imagination, thought that Win would have been reduced to such a complete mess because of him. The fear of almost having died, the adrenalin coursing through him, and Win’s breakdown had shaken him. Reduced him to tears. The tense time they’d spent in the car, the brief time he’d allowed exhaustion to take him, the talk they’d had before Team had showered and dressed in Win’s clothes—all of that feels distant now, but yet he still can’t come down.
He sighs, turning toward Win, just to look more closely. To trace the contours of his face, the curve of his lips, the wisp of dark lashes against his pale skin. How had they become this to each other? What is this? Just how far do these feelings go?
How safe is his heart in Win’s hands? Just how safe is Win’s in his own?
Team isn’t sure how much time passes as he watches Win sleep, and as the musing of how they got to where they are drift in and out of his mind. What he is sure of is the exact moment that Win becomes distressed. It starts with a crease between his eyebrows, and a hitch in his breathing. Team sees Win’s lips part slightly and hears a whimper escape. Win’s upper body jerks slightly. Then his breath becomes even more labored, and still he hasn’t opened his eyes.
Are his own nightmares like this? Is this what Win sees when he became lost in his own subconscious terrors?
Team can’t leave him like this. “Hia,” he whispers, gently laying a hand on Win’s chest. “Shhh, Hia, I’m here. It’s okay. Hia?”
Turning his whole body toward Team’s voice, Win edges closer to him. Like Win had many times for him already, Team gathers Win close. The space between them is reduced to almost nothing. He can feel Win’s quick breaths on his face. “Hia, Hia, it’s okay. Shhhh, Hia.”
“Team,” the crack in Win’s voice sends a pang through his heart. “Team.” And then a sob. Win’s face drops against his neck and shoulder. “You can’t leave me.”
Team isn’t sure if Win is fully awake and aware or half-asleep. Either way, Win’s words, his fears, are tearing into him. He uses his hand that’s not buried beneath Win to stroke his hair, again just as Win had done for him many times. “Hia, I’m right here. Don’t worry, Hia.”
“Team, Team, please, don’t leave.”
Tears now, Team feels warm tears against the curve of his neck. He pulls Win impossibly closer. “What did I do to you, Hia?” The whisper comes out before he can stop it, but Win doesn’t seem to have heard.
He’s still crying softly, clutching at Team like he’ll never let go.
“I’m so sorry, Hia. I’m so sorry.”
Team isn’t sure if it’s minutes or hours before he falls asleep, exhaustion finally overcoming the guilt. He’s not sure when they drift apart during the night.
The only thing he’s sure of the next morning, even over the light banter between Win, his brother, and himself over breakfast, is that what happened the night before isn’t behind them. He’d hurt Win, and he’d have to figure out how to make it all right again.