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[“So, you want me to talk about what we do here?” Robin confirms before she starts speaking.
“Uh, we’re Grand Line Paper. We sell paper. Obviously. Other office supplies, too. My job is to speak to clients about uh, quantities and, uh, type of copier paper. You know, uh, whether we can supply it to them, whether they can, uh, pay for it. And, um... I’m boring myself just talking about this.”
Robin sighs as she looks out of the window where Luffy has Chopper hoisted up on his shoulders. Sanji is holding a pen to Zoro’s neck, eyes nearly popping out of his sockets while no one else bats an eye. Even Zoro doesn’t look intimidated. He looks rather… at ease, a ghost of a smile playing on his lips.
“You know, sometimes I think I’d rather get shot in the head than keep working here, but whatever.” Robin smiles, shaking her head as the cameraman exchanges a worried glance with the interviewer. “Don’t worry. Nothing that interesting will ever happen in Scranton.”
“Tell them about the bet!” Nami yells, pounding her fist on the window of the conference room to get Robin’s attention. Robin doesn’t even flinch. “Ask them if they want to bet on the idiots! Tell them to get in on it!”
Robin looks dead into the camera, a glint in her eye. “Here’s how we spend most of our time in this office. We make the most ridiculous wagers. Our most profitable one is how long it’s going to take for Zoro and Sanji to kiss. We’re running on… how long has it been?”
“Fifteen months!” Nami yells again, startling Chopper, the reindeer.
“Fifteen months.” Robin smiles. “It’s only going to get worse. You in?”
The camera cuts to where Sanji is kicking Zoro on the head. Zoro lets it happen once before he pulls out a sword from underneath his desk. The camera cuts back to Robin, who slyly smiles.
“Welcome to Scranton.”]
⚭
The first time Zoro steps into the offices of Grand Line Paper, he’s immediately confronted by a skinny blond guy who asks him, “Do you think you can sell more paper than me?”
Zoro blinks. “Yes.”
And that’s how it begins.
Here’s how it’s currently going: A camera pans over to where Sanji and Zoro are currently at each other’s throats over Zoro accidentally eating Sanji’s sandwich. Sanji is red in the face as he walks over to Usopp’s desk, hands on his hips. If that glare was meant for Usopp, he would’ve been six feet under already.
“I would like to file a formal complaint against Zoro.”
Usopp sighs, pulling out a battered notepad. He looks into the camera before he says, “Sure. What’s up, Sanji?”
[Usopp coughs into his fist before he starts speaking. “I don’t file any of Sanji’s complaints because if corporate ever spends money trying to launch an investigation into Zoro’s and Sanji’s arguments, it might end up bankrupting us. Trust me when I say that this is for the good of the company.”]
“Zoro is an asshole.” Sanji says, simply. He quirks an eyebrow when Usopp doesn’t write that down.
“I’m afraid I can’t write that.”
“He ate my lunch! That has to be some violation of the Geneva Convention.”
“It’s really not.”
[Usopp folds his arms over his chest. “Can I be honest? We actually have a bet going on how long it takes before they sleep together. I am currently losing a lot of money betting for them. Robin thinks they’ve actually already… done the deed but I really don’t want to ask.”]
Sanji scoffs before he looks over to Zoro’s desk, where Zoro is currently grinning like a madman. Something shifts in Sanji’s expression before he speaks again. “I was your Secret Santa last year, Usopp. I can’t believe you’re repaying me like this.”
Usopp grins.
[Sanji makes a gesture like he’s going to throw up when he’s asked the question.
“What do I think about Zoro? What do you mean, what do I think about Zoro? I don’t think about mossheads. I think he’s nauseating and annoying and why the hell are you even asking me about this? Did he… say something? About me?”]
[Zoro hums. “What do I think about Curly? He’s not a bad salesman. I think the eyebrow is what’s putting off customers. That’s why he makes most of his sales on the phone.”]
[Sanji’s eyebrow twitches, his jaw tight. “That stupid son of a bitch, I’m going to — ”]
⚭
[“Uh, am I getting paid for this?” Nami asks, as she checks her nails. “No? Then why — okay, fine. I’m the receptionist here at Grand Line. I make copies, I put up with Sanji’s flirting all day and I have never once filed a sexual harrassment case — yeah, I’m pretty underpaid. If there’s downsizing and I get fired, I’m going to party until I forget my own name.”]
[“One interesting thing about me is that I’ve always wanted to be a doctor.” Chopper says. He’s a reindeer. “But I needed to pay for medical school somehow, so I got this job. It was meant to be a temporary thing, but I’ve been here for five years now. Help me.” Chopper promptly bursts into tears while the cameraman reaches for the tissues again.]
[Sanji stares into the camera, glaring at the cameraman like he can’t believe he’s been asked this question.
“It’s always been my dream to be a paper salesman. There’s no one better at this job than me. I’ve been salesman of the year for three years now. Anyone who claims he’s better than me is a liar and his mom’s a hoe. Who says he’s better than me? Franky? He’s a joke. Brook? Brook is dead. I sell more paper than a skull guy.”
“And Zoro? He claims he’s better than you.” The guy behind the camera asks.
Sanji visibly shifts as the camera zooms in. “Tell the bastard I’ll see him outside.”]
⚭
Nami looks up from the receptionist’s desk, eyes flitting towards where Zoro and Sanji currently argue over who is going to get the last Herr’s chips from the vending machine.
[“I might need a favor.” Nami starts, as she narrows her eyes at the sight of Zoro’s sword nearly slicing Sanji’s throat open. “Keep an eye out and let me know if something extremely homosexual happens.”]
Zoro and Sanji glare at each other in the glass of the vending machine. Chopper sighs and walks out of the break room.
“Those chips are mine.” Zoro says, through gritted teeth.
“You wish, bitch.” Sanji quickly replies. “If you touch my chips, you’re dead!”
“What are you gonna do, kick me to death?”
“No. I’m going to steal your swords and shove them up your — ”
Chopper sighs as he walks away from the break room again. He looks at Usopp who is waiting for the fight to dissolve. “Don’t worry, they’re still not done.” Chopper says, watching Usopp’s face fall, the sound of a boot meeting sword louder than most of the voices in the office.
Most of their sales take place over the phone, but sometimes customers come in to see the products in person. This one particular customer just won’t stop flirting with Zoro.
The cameraman goes up to Nami’s desk, who is shredding what look to be extremely important papers and he nudges her to where Sanji is fuming at his desk as he watches Zoro uncomfortably interact with the flirty customer.
He is glaring at a member of the female species and Nami’s eyes widen to the point where they nearly pop out of her sockets.
Nami turns to the cameraman, quickly grinning. “Thank you.”
An hour after Zoro seals the sale, Sanji walks up to him, a bag of chips in hand.
He won’t meet Zoro’s eyes, instead put his hand forward. “Give me a dollar.”
Zoro quirks an eyebrow. “What?”
“What the fu — my god, how hard is it for you to just give me a dollar?”
The camera zooms into Zoro’s face, a mosaic of confusion and intrigue. Sanji’s eyebrows are knitted with frustration, but Zoro does as he’s asked. He rummages through his drawer, finding one single crumpled dollar bill.
Sanji grabs the dollar from him, dropping the chips in Zoro’s lap before he walks away, leaving a confused Zoro in his wake.
⚭
They’re taking ID photos today. Sanji is visibly in a good mood as he talks to Nami at reception, sneakily trying to steal the candy from her desk. He’s even wearing makeup and the only reason Zoro doesn’t stare is because there’s a camera watching his every move.
[Zoro grins, laughing to himself as the guy hands Sanji his ID. “I, uh, paid him fifteen bucks to let me make some interesting changes to the shitty salesman’s ID.”]
[Sanji stares at his ID, scandalized. It’s in a large plastic, there is no clip attached to it and Sanji goes red as he reads the printed text, “My ID says I’m a security threat. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is not Curly!”]
“Luffy, I want you to fire Zoro.” Sanji says, barging into Luffy’s office where Luffy is currently chowing down on a bucket of fried chicken. Sanji lights a cigarette and brings it to his lips, totally missing how Zoro’s eyes follow that movement. “Fire. Him.”
“I don’t know if I can do that, but anything for you, Sanji.” Luffy says, slightly nodding. “You’re fired, Zoro.”
“What?!” Sanji smugly grins as he turns to Zoro, whose face is suddenly pale.
“Wait then, what about my problems with Sanji? I want him fired, too!”
Luffy considers this before he eats his last piece of chicken. “Sanji, you’re fired.”
“What?!”
Now, it’s Zoro’s turn to grin.
“I fired him for you, so it’s only fair I fire you for him.” Luffy states, like this fucked-up logic makes any sort of sense.
“That’s not how this works.” Sanji protests, words lilting into a bit of a whine. “Fine. Whatever. I’m writing you out of my will, Luffy.”
⚭
[“Messing with him is so easy. I won’t lie, it’s the best part of my day.” Zoro says, looking slightly sheepish as he says so. There’s a distinct red bleeding into his cheeks as he picks at his sleeve. “Uh… it’s pretty hot today, huh?”]
⚭
“Okay, that’s it. We’re staging an intervention.” Usopp says, as Sanji grabs Zoro by the collar for the third time today. “You two are going on a sales call.”
Zoro pauses, his hand paused halfway through the action of unsheathing his sword. “Wait, what?”
“You have to get Luffy’s approval for this.” Sanji deadpans.
Usopp points to Luffy, who’s currently passed out in his office. “He ate an entire chicken pot pie for lunch. I don’t even think he’s breathing in there.”
The camera zooms into Sanji’s face. “God damn it.”
“Language!” Chopper pipes up from his desk.
“Sorry, Chopper!” Sanji says, before his smile melts into a grimace as he turns back to Zoro. “Fine. Let’s go on a sales call.”
[Sanji fixes his jacket, eyes catching on Zoro, who’s chatting with Robin at her desk. He scoffs before he turns back to the camera. Usopp, sitting outside the conference room where the interview is ongoing, distinctly notes the hitch in Sanji’s breathing.
“Zoro and I used to go on sales calls all the time, when he first got here. He’s not too bad. At least he’s a better partner than Chopper or Franky, I can say that much. I think one sword-wielding moron is a step up from a reindeer and a singing cyborg.”]
[“He complimented me? Oh, the world must be coming to an end, then.” Zoro says, simply smiling.]
They make the sale. It’s a huge account, an incredibly big deal for the salesmen who landed it. But Zoro had no doubt. He knew they’d get the job done.
On their way back, Zoro turns halfway into his seat towards Sanji. Sanji’s eyes are laser-focused on the road in front of them, knuckles white as they tighten on the steering wheel.
The rays of the evening sun flood Sanji’s car with unintelligible shades of pink, orange, red and Zoro pulls the window down. It creaks and the noise makes him cringe, but at least the cool breeze is a remedy to the hot skin under his collar. Zoro tweaks the radio from the passenger seat. He waits for Sanji to protest, which doesn’t happen.
The melting sunlight catches on the locks framing Sanji’s face, smoke wafting from his burning cigarette. His eyebrows are scrunched in concentration. Zoro’s heart leaps.
“You wanna get a drink later?” Zoro asks, hesitation so obviously laced through his tone that even Sanji can hear it.
A beat passes, Zoro’s loud rap music streaming through the car’s speakers as Sanji takes a deep breath. Zoro can’t explain where this stupid bravery is coming from. Zoro can see the rejection ready on the tip of his tongue, but there’s a turmoil brewing inside him, Zoro notices it all the way from over here.
“Sure, why not?” Sanji says, features pulled into a cool mask of nonchalance, which quickly cracks as the camera zooms into his face. The tips of his ears are bright, bright red. “Oh, shit. I had plans with Ace today, though. Fuck.”
“Oh.” Zoro mutters, heart sinking into his stomach. “I mean, it’s okay, you don’t have to — ”
“Chill out, it’s not a big deal. I mean, sure, he’ll spend the entire day complaining about it, but the day I’m unable to handle Ace, I think I’ll just end it all.”
Zoro doesn’t know what to say to that. He lets the tension sit as Sanji calls Ace to cancel whatever plans they had, listening to Sanji’s infectious laughter. Their eyes brush in the rearview mirror and Sanji grins at him, still talking on the phone.
Bile climbs up Zoro’s throat.
⚭
[“They what?!” Nami exclaims, as the cameraman explains the situation to her. “Oh, man, wait right here, I have to go make a phone call.”]
[“Fifteen months, I’ve been waiting for fifteen months.” Usopp mock salutes, tears in his eyes. “It’s been a long journey, folks, but we’re finally going to win.”]
⚭
Nothing happened.
“We got a drink.” Sanji simply states when Nami asks him the next morning. Zoro pretends to talk on the phone with a client to get out of the conversation. “That’s it.”
“You guys didn’t… you know… consummate your newfound friendship, did you?” Usopp asks.
Across the bullpen, Chopper makes a wounded noise. Sanji flares up in anger, kicking Usopp in the face. The camera pans to Luffy in his office making paper airplanes, then back to the scene unfurling in front of him.
“Not in front of the ladies, moron!” Sanji yells. “And, no, we didn’t — it wasn’t — ”
The fight inside Sanji seems to die. He physically deflates like a balloon that’s been popped by a nail. From the corner of his eye, Zoro watches him, guilt coiling around his neck. Usopp watches this exchange curiously, eyes flitting between Zoro and Sanji, back and forth. He’s never seen Sanji display this kind of emotion before.
“He’s moving to the Stamford branch.” Sanji says and every head in the room swivels to stare at Zoro, who shrivels under the attention.
⚭
[“Uh, yeah, I got an offer from the Stamford branch, so I’ll still be selling paper, just not… here. It’s a good market, so I thought why not? It’s not like…” Zoro says. He looks at the window, into the bullpen, where Sanji is currently on a phone call, his head dipped. “I have no future here.”]
[“He told me last night. That’s why he asked me out for a drink. I thought…” Sanji sighs, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I thought. But, Stamford is good. It’s a good market. The office is bigger. I’m sure the boss works a lot more than Luffy does.” Sanji trails off, aggressively picking at his nails. “It’s, uh, it’s a good opportunity. I’m… happy for him.”]
⚭
The party planning committee throws Zoro a going-away party.
It’s a perfect party. There are green and yellow streamers, Robin manages to get the generic flavored cake (it’s Zoro’s favorite) and Luffy gets on a table to give a speech, mouth stuffed with pepperoni pizza. It’s an impeccable night, really.
Still, there’s a bottomless pit growing in Zoro’s stomach.
He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Sanji’s boyfriend.
Ace. He even sounds like an asshole.
The only bit of information he manages to wrangle from Nami’s hands is that he's Luffy’s brother. He was raised on a circuit and can do magic tricks with fire, apparently. And, oh. He’s totally Sanji’s type. Tall, gorgeous, walks around without a shirt on. At least that’s what Robin tells him and Robin’s sources are always credible. She can do nothing wrong.
There’s also the fact that Sanji hasn’t talked to him since Zoro told him about Stamford. A part of Zoro can only wonder if Sanji is jealous that Zoro got the call instead of him, but Sanji isn’t that type of a person. He would never, ever wish for Zoro’s downfall, no matter how much they pretend to hate each other.
It’s been close to two years since Zoro moved to Scranton and almost eighteen months since he’s worked at Grand Line Paper. He’s made friends and he’s made a lot of enemies (namely the guy who lived in the flat under his when Zoro was trying to learn the Gangnam Style dance), but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t figure out what he’s supposed to classify Sanji as.
Zoro takes a sip of the wine in his red cup as Sanji sidles past him with no acknowledgement. Sanji leans against the wall to talk to Chopper, his back to Zoro and there’s a familiar coil of tension wringing his intestines.
If it was an ideal world, Zoro would’ve put his hand on Sanji’s shoulder, whirled him around, pressed him into the wall like no one was watching and —
Zoro stops himself. This isn’t an ideal world.
“Everyone!” Franky yells out in the middle of the party, guitar brandished. “Please join me in raising your cups to the man of the evening, Roronoa Zoro! May your journey at Grand Line Paper only lead you to better things from here on out.”
Zoro uneasily raises his cup as he can feel someone’s gaze burning a hole in his back. He doesn’t dare look. He isn’t sure what he’ll do if he looks. Franky begins his serenade, but Zoro can’t let his mind move past Sanji, who hasn’t moved from his spot at the window, arms crossed over his chest.
As Zoro is working up the courage to try and talk to him, Franky’s guitar loud but white noise in the background, Sanji leaves the conference room with some vague excuse.
Zoro wants to follow him. He doesn’t want to end… whatever he has with Sanji badly. They owe each other that much. Even though Franky’s performance is meant for Zoro, he puts his alcohol aside and runs out to follow Sanji into the parking lot.
“Curly!” Zoro says as the door to the office building flies open. Sanji, who’s currently trying to get into his car — freezes. “Curly, wait!”
Sanji doesn’t wait. He makes a big deal of pressing the clicky button on his keys as the car unlocks. “What?” He asks, crossing his arms over his chest, but he’s not getting into the car. That’s a good sign, right?
Zoro sighs, biting on the inside of his cheek. The camera zooms into his face. This was really a better idea in his head.
“Listen, I — I don’t know, I got this feeling that we’re leaving things on a bad note.”
The guarded expression on Sanji’s face cracks for just a moment, but it’s gone as quick as it comes. The end of Sanji’s cigarette burns bright, bright red.
“Does it even matter?” Sanji asks, in a soft voice.
That question hits Zoro square in the stomach like a sucker punch.
“Of course it matters. I mean, I’m moving but that doesn’t mean we won’t be friends anymore.”
“Friends?! What kind of a friend does it make you if you’re abandoning me here?!”
Zoro keeps walking until he’s almost at Sanji’s car. “Abandoning — ”
“Yeah, abandoning! Why are you even leaving Scranton, huh?!” Sanji exclaims. “For a better paycheck? You’re the number two here. Every client who comes through you loves you. You’ve got friends here, people who care about you and you — ”
“And?” Zoro presses. Sanji stares at a point past Zoro’s shoulder. “And what?”
A vulnerability seeps into Sanji’s expression. Zoro has never seen it before and it’s unsettling.
“You’ve got me, Zoro. Why isn’t that enough to get you to stay?”
“You have a boyfriend, Curly. That’s not something I want to get into.”
“Wait, what?!” Sanji stares at him, confused “I don’t have a boyfriend, what the fuck.”
“What? Ace isn’t your...?”
“What the fuck are you saying? Ace is my roommate. You thought... oh, fuck.” The realization hits both Sanji and Zoro like a ton of bricks. “You... you were about to move to another branch just because you thought I had a boyfriend. What does... what does that mean?”
Zoro takes a step closer, until he’s almost close to Sanji, their noses brushing. Under the evening sun, Sanji’s freckles come alive, a dusting of pink on his cheekbones. “I’ve been in love with you since you gave up your Herr’s chips for me.”
“Oh.”
“And I couldn’t take the thought of you with some other guy who isn’t me because the only person you’re supposed to argue with is me.”
Sanji blinks before he bursts out into a fit of giggles. “You know, you have some pretty fucked-up views about romance.”
“What can I say? I’m a conventional kinda guy.”
“Too conventional to kiss me in the parking lot in front of all our coworkers?”
The camera cuts to the windows of the first floor where everyone is staring at the exchange going down in the parking lot. Even Luffy is there, quickly giving Zoro and Sanji a thumbs-up when they look up at him.
Zoro looks back at Sanji. “Not that conventional.”
⚭
[Sanji sighs, fixing his sleeve as he buries his face inside his shirt. “I have nothing to say about this. Talk to my lawyer.”]
⚭