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“How are you doing?”
Just how often this question has been asked him became apparent as Tom responded with a big fake smile and a “Just dandy, Harry.” Precisely what Harry had been expecting, but it was worth a shot anyway.
Besides, however tired his friend might have gotten of answering that by now, Harry did want to know. Normally the most social person aboard the ship except for perhaps Neelix, Tom was now all but isolating himself, only really leaving his quarters for duty shifts and dates with B’Elanna. The tension between Tom and the Captain was palpable on the Bridge and Harry understood, really, that Tom wanted some time alone, but he’d like to see his best friend every once in a while.
It was obvious that while in the brig he’d been thinking too much. Judging by his unusually quiet demeanour on duty, that was still the case even after being released. B’Elanna didn’t tell Harry a lot of what she and Tom talked about but what she did tell him confirmed Harry’s theory: Tom was wrestling with himself, and it was taking its toll.
“Happy to hear it,” he shot back, equally sarcastic and careful to make his expression match the sentiment. “Computer, activate holoprogram The Adventures of Captain Proton.”
Both of them were in full 1930s gear and Harry had to admit, it wasn’t as bad as he’d thought when Tom had pitched the idea to him. To his surprise, he’d come to like the program and now was hoping, perhaps naively, that it may get Tom’s mind off of things or maybe even get him to talk about what was bothering him - something that was obviously not going to happen if Harry just asked him.
In today’s chapter, Chaotica was planning on transporting literally all water from Earth to Mars so that he’d be in charge of something humans needed for survival and they’d have no choice but to accept him as their supreme ruler. As a scientist, Harry was very sceptical of the likelihood of that plan working out. As an ensign serving on what might very well be the unluckiest ship in Starfleet, he wondered if the universe was conspiring to make holodeck programs as annoyingly relevant to real life as possible. And as Buster Kincaid? He had to help Captain Proton stop this from happening.
The plan was simple: Tom would fight Chaotica with his tacky weapons and Harry would dismantle the giant laser that was supposed to evaporate the oceans and store the gas inside it. It did not work out that way.
It had begun when Chaotica first informed them of his ideas. Something changed in Tom then and from Harry’s friend who he was going to have a good time with, he turned into a man on a mission. He was brusque, no-nonsense. Harry tried to check that he was okay with this program, he really did, but Tom wouldn’t let him.
Satan’s Robot, in addition to Constance’s constant screaming, was what did it. “Computer, freeze program!” Tom called out, frustrated and throwing down his tacky phaser. Harry dropped his efforts as well and sat next to where Tom had dumped himself on the floor.
“There I go again,” Tom said with one of his trademark fake chuckles. “Not finishing this. Not saving Earth, and all because of that damn screaming. Why did I even program that in?”
“Tom, you did your best.” Because obviously, goofing off on the holodeck wasn’t what this was about. Tom had finally dropped his facade and Harry was going to try his best to ensure that was for the better.
Tom shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, Harry. It was all for nothing. I disobeyed orders, and I didn’t even do that right. Of all the things I needed to get done, it was that stupid letter that I actually managed.”
So he’d finished it. Momentarily, Harry felt the slightest satisfaction at being the one giving advice for once, but it was quickly overshadowed by the look on Tom’s face. His hands were balling into fists and Harry carefully took and unclenched them, not wanting his friend to hurt himself. Tom let him, thankfully.
“Maybe you didn’t make a tangible difference, but at least you solidified Riga’s beliefs. He’ll fight for change just like you did. And even if that weren’t the case, isn’t it worth something that you did what you believed in? You disobeyed orders, sure, and it didn’t turn out too well, but your reasons were good.”
Tom sighed, looking up at the grey ceiling. “That’s what I thought, too. But I’ve had plenty of time to think more, and I was just stupid. I could have known it wasn’t going to work out the way I wanted it to. It was an unnecessary risk, a mistake, and I made it too easily, just because I grew attached to a body of water.”
“I don’t think it was in vain. You made a change, even if it was just to one mind.”
“It’s not enough!” He was yelling now, standing up and sitting down again. He fidgeted with his hands and this appeared to be the culmination of over a month of overthinking.
“I should have been able to do more, but I wasn’t. And you know why that is, Harry? I am just not capable of doing the right thing. Oh, I’ve changed for the better, absolutely, but I’ll never change enough. I’ll always be too stubborn for my own good and everyone else’s too, with nothing to justify it.”
“Being who you are isn’t a mistake, Tom. Yes, you’re stubborn, but it’s made you do some pretty amazing things! The Flyer wouldn’t be there without you and neither would Captain Proton. Maybe we wouldn’t even be friends, I know I was a lot to deal with in the first few weeks. The point is: you don’t need to change, not because you made a mistake.”
Outright laughter replaced the hollow chuckles of before, Tom getting back up at light speed. “You and I both know it’s not just the one. My mistake killed three people six years ago. Despite that I got a second chance and I was lucky enough to get B’Elanna. You know, for a time I actually thought I deserved her, but I couldn’t even help her when she needed me most. Hell, I hardly even noticed something was wrong until we built the Flyer. It all just proves my point, Harry.”
His arms, previously making animated movements, fell down to his sides and the rest of Tom’s body followed the path downwards. Cross-legged, he faced Harry. It seemed like he was daring him to say something.
“Look. I don’t know what you went through that month,” Harry said, leaning towards Tom and holding eye contact. “But I can tell you that you’re good. My mistake killed us all in one timeline.” He winced at the thought and Tom’s features softened, his fraternal instincts taking over. “You wouldn’t say that makes me irredeemable, now would you?”
Tom shook his head. “That’s different. You’re, I don’t know, you.”
“And you have got to stop beating yourself up so much. I’m sure every member of this crew would agree.” He put a hand on Tom’s sagging shoulder. “You want to continue the program?”
Tom’s head tilted thoughtfully. “Actually,” he said, standing up, “I think I want to show you another one. Computer, activate holoprogram Paris delta 7.”
The colour literally returning to Tom’s face was always a bit of a shock after spending some time as Buster Kincaid. Now, however, Harry was more intrigued by their new surroundings. They were nothing he’d seen before and if memory served, nothing Tom had told him about.
“Welcome,” Tom said, “to the Nautilus.” Harry caught a glimpse of a window Tom’s head was obscuring and moved so he could see it better. Water, like on the ocean planet, except the interior of wherever they were looked significantly less advanced than the Flyer.
“This is where I always dreamed I’d be as a kid. Maybe not this exact ship, but a submarine at least. My father never let me. When we were stranded here, I figured I might as well make it come true after all. God, I wish I could’ve come down here during my jail time.”
“Nautilus,” Harry repeated. The name seemed familiar, but he didn’t think he’d heard it more than once.
“Nemo’s ship.” That didn’t clear much up, but Tom didn’t elaborate. Harry guessed it didn’t really matter. “This isn’t a holonovel. I just come here to relax, to think. Though maybe I’ve had enough of that for the next few months.”
“I’ll say.” Harry understood, though. The water and the fish peacefully passing by had something calming about them, like watching a fire.
Tom looked at Harry, though it took him a few minutes to notice, transfixed as he was by the view. “The point is, I never belonged in Starfleet. On Voyager, sure, but Starfleet as a whole? Not my place. Thing is, now that I’ve got a taste, I want to be there. When we get back to Earth, I want to be a proper officer and serve aboard another ship, even if it’s in space and not underwater. I need to prove that I’m worthy of that and I messed it up.”
“You are worthy,” Harry said emphatically. “If anyone here is, it’s you.”
Another sad chuckle, but it was followed by a genuine smile. “You’ll have to give me some time on that one.”
“All the time you need.”
They stood together for a time, pointing out the various sea creatures to each other. Many of them had gone extinct since the time the book Tom told him the ship was from had been written. It saddened Harry to think that humanity had made such disastrous mistakes and in that moment he understood Tom’s determination to prevent the Moneans from doing the same more than ever.
Then his stomach rumbled, destroying the moment.
“Let’s brave Neelix’s food, shall we?”
“The most dangerous waters of them all,” Harry joked in response. Tom laughed, good-humouredly this time. He clapped Harry’s back and they left the holodeck, today’s heavy conversation over with in favour of lunch. For now, that was enough; Tom was going need some time, but he’d be alright. Harry and B’Elanna and everyone else would take care of that. He never told Tom so, but he was pretty sure he knew anyway.