Work Text:
If Mika really set his mind on something, especially if it concerned his Valkyrie, he could be just as stubborn as his Oshi-san. Mika never had missed a Valkyrie’s practice and never had asked Shu to cancel one; no matter what, he was always there on time thanks to his exceptional sense of devotion to his unit. In the past, Shu had scolded him harshly for different reasons, but never because Mika lacked commitment. His loyalty to Valkyrie had always been one of his greatest strengths. However, that sort of dedication brought Mika some trouble, since he didn’t know how to set healthy limits when either Valkyrie or Shu were involved. The boy used to work until exhaustion, thinking that was the least he could do as Shu’s only remaining doll.
That mindset has changed over time for the better, and Mika has gotten wiser at setting limits for himself and his work. Nonetheless, this was still a work in progress, thus some of his past mistakes still showed up in his current personality. Today, for instance, just before Valkyrie’s rehearsal started, Mika noticed something stained his underwear. And how could he not recognize the unwelcomed, unpleasant sensation that comes month after month?
His period had arrived some days earlier than expected, but other than being shaken by a short, intense wave of dysphoria, and using the restroom to excruciatingly put in a tampon, he did nothing but continue his way to the practice room. While walking, Mika shut down any feelings he had, bottling them up.
He had chosen to ignore the emotional pain and physical discomfort, prefering to think about how much Valkyrie meant to him. Their Valkyrie —his and Shu’s— was the place he belonged to, the artistic world he shared with Shu to deliver light, as the star he wanted to be; he missed all this so dearly. Shu has been overseas for too long, and although Mika would never complain about it, he longed for the time when they could work together again. That’s why he couldn’t ask her to cancel their practice, how could he? If this is the scenario he has been dreaming about since she was gone. He won’t let anything interfere with today, even if that something was his own chaotic feelings.
As long as Valkyrie and Shu were by his side, he was confident he could bear any suffering. That was what kept him going on through the worst times of his life, despite the obstacles.
As stubborn as he was when it comes to Valkyrie, Mika recalled that he had painkillers in a pocket of his backpack, so he took them while still standing in front of the practice room's door. Thereafter he opened the door and walked inside. On any other day, Mika would thank Shu for teaching him the habit of keeping personal care items in his backpack; however, those related to his period were usually kept in a more subtle pocket, so Mika would not feel embarrassment or dysphoria every time he opened his backpack.
Mika greeted Shu as usual and both talked a little bit. Mika was careful enough to not mention his period. Maybe he would tell her later, but not now. Valkyrie’s rehearsals were the longest activity they shared together and the only time when Shu had her eyes just on him; he preferred to hold on to that feeling that made him feel so good, rather than be unhappy about what was going on between his legs.
"You were somewhat late today, Kagehira." Shu eventually reminded him, making a remark on her words to leave it clear that she wanted to know the reason for his tardiness.
"Nhah, sorry Oshi-san. I hafta use the restroom before comin'." And fighting the unpleasant, emotional experience he went through, stifling the tears he wanted to shed. "Are we going to start rehearsing now, Oshi-san?"
Since Mika's period was ahead of time this month he did not have the chance to process his feelings about it. He usually reacted otherwise, when his period arrived at the proper time. And of course, not in public.
His issue wasn’t getting stained in red —as he wore dark clothes most of the time— but his real frustration was being unable to decide on his period; he didn’t have any freedom during this part of the month. He could just endure it. He never wanted to bleed in the first place. Someone else decided it, and Mika’s opinion was left aside.
Frankly, for Mika, the worst part of his period was feeling his body mockingly reminding him that he would never be the boy he wanted to be. Month after month.
Nonetheless, it was not quite accurate to say Mika experienced all this every time he gets his period. He wouldn’t be able to deal with it, so before reaching a dysphoric point of no return, he tried to find solutions that didn’t involve HRT, as he didn’t feel ready for that.
Shu helped Mika to track his period. He asked her to help him with this, as he wanted, at least, a way to stop feeling suddenly attacked by the function of his body, and Shu prompted him to track it.
Mika always forgot he has an uterus before getting his period, he ignored its existence until the organ made it impossible. By tracking his period… Well, he gets reminded how his body works. Which certainly had a counterproductive effect on him the first times, but what Mika aimed to achieve was to be mentally prepared for when “the thing” started. Being able to deal with the emotional burden gradually during the month, instead of taking a single big hit when the period started. This didn’t mean Mika stops feeling dysphoria when his period arrives. It was only a way to let him experience his emotions instead of bottling them up. At the very last, Mika was free to feel this.
Except for today, as his body did what it wanted before going to practice.
And unfortunately, also during the practice.
"You have done this move several times before, Kagehira, but now your body gets stiff every time you try to perform it. Is anything happening? Didn’t you practice enough on your own?” Mika felt embarrassed after hearing such words, he didn’t want to let Shu down. And it would be better to tell her what was happening, but still…
"Nn, it's nothin', Oshi-san”. He awkwardly made a pause. “I just lost ma focus, can ya guide me ta do it again?" Mika trusted Shu more than anyone else in this world, and both were already aware of the gender struggles of the other, but he was reluctant to bring up that issue right now. If only Mika had had the time to process “the thing”, rather than being caught off guard with no warning… and to make matters worse, in a public place, he wouldn’t feel so conscious about discussing it.
Not only Shu was bad with sudden changes, but Mika had no trouble embracing different sides of femininity, he felt comfortable and liked it, and since Oshi-san pushed nearly all of Valkyrie's feminine roles onto him for a long time, Mika was used to it. His one glaring issue was being perceived as a woman. Shu and Mika were well aware that being feminine was not the same as being a woman. It never would be. And for Mika, having a period was his biggest tie to the role of a woman. Have you ever seen tampons in a male restroom?
Although Mika knew that menstruation was not a threat to his identity as a boy and that girls' femininity was not determined by bleeding every month, it still hurts him. Society had always taught him the opposite since his childhood, making him believe that people with uterus reach their potential to “finally become women” from menarche onwards, but what if he never wanted to be a woman? Why was he forced to be one simply because of his genitalia at birth? Why was society deciding for him…? Where was his freedom? Had he never had it? Had he been a doll pulled by others' strings before he even met Shu?
Mika liked girls a lot, he just didn't want to be one. Something in his mind, heart, and soul yelled at him that he was not a woman, nor that he was a man though.
Mika found himself resonating more with masculinity aspects, but only partially, since he never felt a deep connection with calling himself a man, it didn’t feel right. And explaining that was so difficult, as he didn’t want to be a man, nor a woman, but a boy; he was deeply troubled by being unable to express his identity without being told he is wrong. Regularly, people think man and boy are synonyms, and perhaps they are, it’s just that Mika didn’t share that perception, relating only to one of those terms.
This is why Mika counted only on Shu and Arashi for understanding him, despite the fact that they did not have the same experiences, as both girls identified themselves with the gender of a woman, something Mika would never be able to do with the gender of a man. But they were all trans at the end of the day, and Mika knew both of them would never make him feel invalidated, regardless of their differences. They went to the same place, taking different routes.
"Kagehira, stop right there", Shu instructed after Mika failed again at the elegance of the requested movement.
Shu kept her eyes on him for a while more, seeming to analyze what went wrong all the times he failed. "Your abdomen is slightly swollen. From where I am I can clearly see it. I can only assume it hurts, and that must be the reason why you can’t perform the move, Am I wrong?" …How could Mika have forgotten Shu had the eyesight of an owl?!
"Uh... It's just... It's just..." Mika started fidgeting with his fingers. As much as he didn't want to lie to Shu, he wasn’t in the mood to mention his period either.
"Did you eat something past its expiration date?" Shu naturally wanted to find out what was going on.
"Uh, well, no..." Mika lowered his head, his hands instinctively wrapping around his lower abdomen, trying to hide it.
To be fair, the painkiller didn't have a good enough effect. Probably because Valkyrie's routines were too complicated, it was the furthest type of exercise to be recommended during the period. And the hard effort had tripled the amount of pain he was supposed to feel regularly.
"... I don't think you need to say anything else." Shu figured things out by reading between the lines what Mika couldn’t express through words.
Shu pondered, Mika arrived a bit late to their practice since he had to use the restroom first. That alone helped to prove nothing at all. Nonetheless, Mika’s abdomen was the obstacle to perform the movements and now he was covering up said area with his hands. Shu also remembered that his period was due in a week or less, so she wondered if he got it earlier than expected. It was the most possible thing. "Do you mind if I touch you?" She asked as peaks of body dysphoria might cause aversion to physical contact, and Shu didn't want to make things even worse for her Mika by acting carelessly.
The boy remained silent and closed his eyes tightly while nodding his head.
To gather her thoughts and find the appropriate words for the situation, Shu took a deep breath before talking. "It's all right, Kagehira. You don't need to talk about this. I get it well enough." As she drew nearer to Mika, Shu gently stroked her thumbs across his cheeks in a gentle act of love. "You don't have to say anything, but if you're comfortable with this, please nod your head after hearing my question.” A quiet pause.
“Would you let me take care of you, Kagehira?" Shu's words were soft, and she had done her best to use the most soothing tone of voice she could; her priority was to inspire confidence in Mika after all. Mika grasped the meaning behind this.
He looked up at the ceiling after dry swallowing. Mika tried to bat his eyelashes as fast as he could to get rid of the tears that were forming in his eyes. He felt his heart clench, he knew it yearned to be opened and let out the pent-up feelings.
Mika's lips trembled briefly as he searched for the strength to sob.
And when he did, he threw himself into Shu's arms, finally crying without reservations.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sowwy!" Kansai's speech deteriorated into babbling as the sounds of pain from Mika's soul persisted in escaping, he kicked the ground hard, releasing his frustration with his body. Eventually, Mika clung to Shu's chest as the only anchor he had with reality.
Mika didn't hate his body. But he felt his body hated him.
"Kagehira, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. It's fine, you are alright..." Shu whispered to him in a calm voice while returning Mika's hug with tenderness and love. "You are safe, you will always be safe when you are with me."
Mika snorted a few times and made other unpleasant noises. He struggled to breathe, and a tight, emotional pressure in his throat made it difficult for him to speak. In the past he would hesitate to show Shu his less beautiful side, afraid Shu would find him too ugly for loving him. But over time the woman had taught him that she would never stop loving him for being human and cry.
Mika still didn't want to talk about what had happened to him today, but his communication with Shu was beyond words. They didn’t need them to understand the other's ailment.
"Would you like to take a seat? It's probably for the best if we take a break from practice today." Although Shu knew saying these words was like walking on thin ice, Shu thought it was necessary for Mika to recognize there wasn’t anything bad in canceling their practice. They could even postpone their upcoming show if needed. Of course, Shu wouldn’t tell him that straight away
Mika shook his head frantically as the rest of his body trembled. Suddenly opening his eyes, allowing Shu to witness how a new color had been added. Besides the lovely lapis lazuli and amber of Mika’s eyes, there was the red that followed after the tears.
"Y-yer..." Mika struggled to make himself clear, which he didn’t. "Yer not always here...!". Rather than making a claim, Mika intended to express another kind of pain. They couldn’t spend much of their time together as they did before, a year ago.
Since Shu was studying in France and barely visited Japan if not for work, Mika treasured dearly those times he gets to be with her now. He didn't want to ruin her time in Japan by worrying her over "this kind of thing."
As Mika told himself earlier, Valkyrie practices were the special time when he had Shu's undivided attention. And that also meant nothing else in the world mattered in those moments. When they practiced together, there was no Japan nor France that could separate them, there was just that intimate, love bubble where Mika and his Shu existed as the only two people in space and time. Something he longed for with all his human heart to never end.
"Mika." The boy quickly blinked and looked up at his partner after hearing the appellation she used, which was reserved for very special moments. Even when they were alone, Shu rarely addressed him by name; which always indicated that her next words were going to be completely genuine and honest. "I travel for reasons other than work, it's also important for me to spend my time with you every time I visit Japan. The world of Valkyrie is not complete until both of us are in synchrony, dedicating time to you as a person, is also dedicating time to our Valkyrie, meaning you and me. I know I have said it before, but I would like to repeat myself: Please, let me be the one who understands you, and cares for you "
"S-Shu… Oshi-san..." Mika wasn't sure how to react; he was feeling too many things in his chest and too few in his head. Right now, he couldn't even build a coherent thought: In that state, would it be fine to accept what his Shu was offering him, letting her care for him and above all stopping Valkyrie’s practice for today?
Instead of going to Mika's room at the ES, Shu had brought him back to their home. The same they shared during their years together in Yumenosaki, she thought it might cause him a sense of comforting familiarity, and all what Shu wanted was to making him feel safe. So, there was not a better place than this. It was a space where the two of them could be by themselves, without worrying over something or someone else.
Mika laid with a warm compress against his lower abdomen on the same bed he and Oshi-san had shared for the entire past year. The room had a pleasant aroma coming from the nightstand next to the bed, where a hot cup of tea rested, made specially for her Mika. And after seeing how Mika's eyes were puffy from crying, Shu had cut some cucumber slices to put on top of them.
In addition to this, Shu was currently massaging his feet to relax him. Mika was so embarrassed when his partner offered it to him, as Shu wasn't supposed to do so! But she insisted. While she was with Mika, she wanted to take the best possible care of him. Mika couldn't contradict her when she spoke so tenderly, so, with shyness, Mika ended up accepting. He was used to have Oshi-san's hands over him, but not in that way. However, he didn't dislike it.
"Mgwah, that feels so good..."
"If you would like it, I can give you a back massage when I'm done here. Consider this a special maintenance."
"Nn, ya spoil me so much..." Mika took a cucumber slice out of his eyes to look at Shu. She appeared to be working intently, and her efforts appeared to have a profound effect on relieving tension in Mika's muscles. "Thank ya kindly..." He said with a slight blush before replacing the cucumber.
"I love you, so doing this comes naturally to me." Even though Mika couldn't see it, Shu was smiling. Being able to take care of him made her happy. She softly uttered, "My boy," letting each syllable escape her mouth with gentleness and love.
"Ehehe, I love ya too..." The last words Shu spoke made Mika blush once more, he found himself rather fond of how it sounded to be called a boy by Shu. And after his body fought against him to make him think the opposite, he appreciated it even more. "Hey, Shu."
"Yes, Mika?" Shu's hands moved up to massage Mika's calves, causing the boy to sigh. He let the relaxing sensation be a tiny bit longer before continuing.
"Have ya... Have ya ever wanted ta have a period?" Mika wasn't sure if he should ask, but he felt safe with Shu and trusted that she'd tell him if he'd gone too far with his inquiry.
"Well, yes. Why would I lie to you?" As the topic deepened, so did the tone of seriousness in Shu's voice. Her brows had wrinkled a little as memories flashed back to her:
"This was especially true during puberty, when I felt my body was changing in ways that were contrary to my ideals. I preferred my androgynous look before that time, that's true. But what I missed the most was wearing dresses without feeling like they didn’t suit me, not anymore." Shu paused, taking a breath. "During my childhood I was ostracized for a lot of reasons, among them, doing so. But at least I loved what I saw in front of the mirror, you know? Well, it didn't last after I hit puberty, as I finally realized why even my family thought it was immoral. For a long time, I was extremely vulnerable. Everything I lived and went through by that age seemed heavier than it did when I was a child. I couldn’t handle that burden. So, similarly as you did, I also internalized widespread societal biases. You should already know how it went. I was repressed, neglecting my own femininity and acting as masculinely as I could. I thought ‘passing’ as a female would be ‘ridiculous’ on my part given my build, my height, and the way I was born... Women don’t look like me, although I wanted to look like them. I internally craved to experience the body changes that ‘all women’ have during puberty, including the period. I considered… for the longest time, that ‘if I were born as a woman rather than a man’, I wouldn’t have suffered as much as I did.” Despite everything, Shu's tone of voice tried to remain consistent.
“And now?” Mika's question was swayed not by curiosity, but by learning more about the woman he loves.
Nonetheless, upon hearing Mika's query, Shu got to her feet. She waved her hand dismissively, assuring him that all she wanted to do was wash the oil massage from her hands. Mika thought it might be an excuse for Shu to get her thoughts fixed. In any case, it didn’t take too much before Shu came back.
After returning, Shu placed a chair next to the headboard and removed both cucumber slices from Mika's face. Following that, she let her two gentle purple gems gaze into Mika's eyes, reflecting the purity of her feelings in her enamored gaze.
As she starts speaking again, she gently caresses Mika's entire face.
"Answering your last question. Sometimes I find myself still crying because my struggles would never end. But even if my experience is never going to be perfect or ideal, that is alright as well. Over the past few years, it finally dawned on me that neither the way I was born, nor the changes that came with puberty, nor the way my body looks like, had anything to do with who I am. I've grown out my hair and started wearing padding under my dresses, although I never changed my voice, because I find it all this comfortable and beautiful. It embraces how I want to express my true self and is most compatible with it. Thus, I feel confident about it. If I ever decide to change something about myself again, it will be because I wanted to, not because I wanted to fit in society, which would be already difficult even if I wasn’t the woman I am, since not all my mannerisms and peculiarities are related to femininity in specific.” Shu was an oddball, a weird one. In case she wasn’t a trans person, she would still be alienated. And if she didn’t have her quirks, she would still be trans. And if we remove both parts, would she still be the same Shu Itsuki? Shu didn’t think so, just removing one of these parts meant already neglecting who she is. It was better to embrace herself holistically, even if it took all the tears she tore.
Her whole experience was bittersweet.
“I'm well aware that some people will never accept me as a woman, while others will never question my gender. But the most essential thing is feeling like I am woman enough for myself, which I do. Given that gender is a complex social construct, it takes on as many forms as there are people in the world. There is no standard that my identity must meet besides my own, in order for me to feel more comfortable with myself. And I hope someday you can feel the same way, Mika." Sincerity and peace could be heard in Shu's voice. Her own heart, meanwhile, was beating steadily and in a way that she knew belonged to Mika.
They belonged to each other in their hearts.
"Nnh, I… I think I get ya! Even though ya expressed yerself in complicated ways as always, Shu, I think I got the gist of it." After what seemed like an eternity, a smile appeared on Mika's lips, and Shu, who had missed seeing her lover's face perk up so much, reached down to gently cradle his face, brushing her thumbs under the eyes that cried so much today. Shu felt the freshness of the cucumber against her skin, and it didn’t matter.
To her touch, Mika responded like a cat nuzzling against a warm lap: he closed his eyes and let himself melt in her love. Enjoying being so spoiled by her unique love.
Mika was grateful to have the strongest person he knew love him. But don't get the wrong idea; while Mika once considered Shu to be the most powerful idol in Yumenosaki, he has since developed another view by giving the goddess he worships a human face. The strength he admires now is the one she used to talk about her life's painful but healed wounds. Her resilience.
"Is there anything else you want to ask me?" As Shu asked him gently, Mika continued his catlike behavior, basically purring against her warm, soft hand.
He was about to shake his head, since he thought he had any more questions for Shu. Regardless, something else hit him as a flash. Oh, how could he forget it? It's true that his next question was somewhat embarrassing to ask, but he needed to hear it—especially from her.
"Yeah, there's somethin' else… Uh, I know ya've already told me this lotsa times, so I’m sorry ta ask again, Shu, but." For a brief moment, Mika's smile disappeared. "I'm not less of a guy just ‘cause of 'this', am I? Ya know what I mean..." As he waited, a small smile curved his lips once more.
"I don't mind repeating myself as much as you need, Mika". Shu leaned in to kiss Mika on the forehead, gently holding the position in order to etch the special moment in their minds and hearts. "'This' you told me, has never and will never make you less of a boy, as I know you are not particularly fond of being called a man.” She acknowledged, “remember your identity is valid just for being the way it is. Also remember you can trust me, I will never judge you for who you are, you don’t have to prove yourself to me in these matters. You will always have an unconditional safe place you can go. You and I are lovers; we have each other, so even if the world turns against you, you will never be alone. As long as I am with you, I will stand by your side."
Because he was so overjoyed, Mika let out a giddy chuckle, he could feel his cheeks burning as well, while he began to cry happy tears. He really needed to listen, to share this moment with Shu. He understood what Shu's enigmatic words intended to say despite ignoring the meaning of half of them. His specialty was interpreting her.
Because of the intense feelings he had for Shu, he threw himself into her arms for the second time that day. His abdomen still hurt from the cramps, but he felt no pain at all in the presence of his beloved. He tightly hugged her and gave her a kiss in return for all the love she had shown him. His lips moved gently as they innocently brushed the opposites. His tears stopped, and then he wrapped his arms around Shu's neck, kissing her more passionately and energetically, quickening the pace at which his lips danced.
"Yer my light." As they separated, he spoke softly over Shu's lips before giving her another heartfelt kiss. "I have the best partner in the world, ma future wifey." Then, he kissed her cheek and went back to bed because a new pang of pain had appeared in his abdomen. He had to be more careful and avoid sudden movements.
Despite Shu had little time to process the vast amount of love Mika had given her in the last few minutes; the sensation of his lips against hers, the tingle of his breath against her skin, and the sound of his romantic words continued to echo in her soul. Her mind and heart were still recovering from the romantic sweetness she had experienced and she was about to say something in return, but she saw Mika reclining on the bed with a pained expression on his face, and naturally she got worried. "Can I help you with something, Mika?"
Shu was about to get a different answer than she expected. She thought that bringing him a new hot compress or painkillers would be the right answer; nonetheless, Mika always surprised her.
"Yeah! Ya can cuddle me!" Mika picked up the compress that had fallen off as a result of his previous jump and placed it on the nightstand after noticing that it had become cold; he then sipped the tea that Shu had brought him earlier. He waited a while and drank some more; the soothing sensation of heat in his throat was just one more way he knew Shu cared so much for him.
Mika was grateful that he could count on her. Shu had said it, even if he had no one else in the world, he would have her. So, Mika decided, with a small smile, that he wanted to demonstrate to Shu the level of trust and intimacy he felt for her.
"Also... Can ya put yer hands 'here'?" Mika placed a hand on his lower abdomen to give context to his words.
"Are you sure?" Shu stroked the hand Mika had over said area; it was not a common request, so she wanted to make sure he was really fine with that.
"Nn! I’m! I really want it... I wanna feel that every part of ma body’s safe with ya, maybe that would help me ta feel better about ‘em." His abdomen was a vulnerable area that had made him feel weak for years. Letting Shu touch it meant that he was allowing her to come in contact with one of the most sensitive areas of him; and he was comfortable with Shu doing so.
"You are the true light here." Shu whispers, she might be Mika's light, but the light that illuminated her heart was Mika. "I want to always be with you."
"We're always gonna be together." Mika made room for Shu so she could lay down next to him, which Shu gladly did.
A kiss landed on Mika's cheek and he slowly perceived how Shu's hands took place on his abdomen. Which, as he had anticipated, provided a comforting sense of safety. Even if dysphoria was an all-consuming monster that robbed him of the confidence he once found in front of the mirror, he could fight it back. Shu was there to help him. Acknowledging the aspects of himself that he was born with as things that had accompanied him, rather than defined who he was, would help him get closer to his ideal self. Giving them a new meaning.
Tampons might never be seen in the boys' bathroom, and he might have to ask Shu again to buy them for him as he continues to dislike the idea of purchasing them on his own. But that was fine. He was not alone, and remembering more people like Shu and him were out in the world also helped him. He was just a boy like many others. He was valid. He was not wrong. Nor him, nor his body, but society's biases.
He knew that in his lowest moments he would always have his special someone to help him in getting up again. And he knew she would always be there to reassure him that he is not less right for being the way he is.
"My boy." Shu said as she stroked Mika's skin softly and gently.
"Ma girl." While cuddling with his girlfriend, Mika felt like the luckiest boy in the world.