Chapter Text
“Enid. Enid wake up. Enid I swear to fucking God if you don’t open your eyes right now I’m going to grief your farm in Stardew Vall-”
“I’m awake, goddamn!” Enid sat up slowly and rubbed the sleep off her eyes, annoyed. She looked around the room, squinting slightly at the sunlight that floods in through the cracks of her curtained window. “What time is it,” she asked groggily.
“It’s I hate your ass time.” Yoko, her best friend in the entire universe, can be a bit irritating at times. But she has her moments, and she immensely loved the girl. She did not love her at this moment, however.
“What the hell is wrong with you, it’s fucking-” Enid yawned and reached for her phone, which was lying face down on the floor next to her bed. She clicked it open and looked at the time, then glanced at the battery percentage. It was 10am and she was on 20%. She had forgotten to charge her phone. Again. Maybe God really did hate lesbians.
“It’s 10am?!” she almost yelled, and Yoko rolled her eyes before sitting on her desk.
“It’s not my fault you stayed up doing lord knows what,” she replied, picking at her nails. “You’re gonna be late to your lecture.”
“You’re literally the biggest ass on the planet.”
Yoko smiled. Oh, how she wanted to murder her. Enid plugged her phone, stood up from her bed and began pacing around the room, picking out unfolded clothes stacked up messily on a chair she thrifted a couple of months ago. As she dug for a pair of clean leggings she made a mental note to fix her closet later.
“Where’s my cardigan?” she asked, scanning her room. Yoko scoffed. “Your what?”
“The pink woolly jacket.”
“Oh yeah, cause that totally narrows it down.”
“Are you ser- oh, found it!” Enid announced, stalking to her bathroom and closing the door behind her. Yoko heard the shower start and leaned back on her chair, taking off her glasses and polishing the lenses with the corner of her shirt. “Weems is getting on my nerves,” she complained to the room.
“Yeah?” Enid answered. Her voice was heavily muffled by the water. “I’m pretty sure she’s on everyone’s nerves at this point.”
Yoko held her glasses against the reflection of the sun, searching for any smudges. “She’s been hanging around the campus more ever since this kid got expelled for keeping weed in his room.” She wore her glasses again. “Like, it’s just weed my man. Cut the guy some slack. She’s acting like she just caught the hormonal version of Walter White.”
“Can you stop with the Breaking Bad references please,” she heard Enid say.
Yoko shook her head. “Only if you come out to your parents,” she countered.
“I did, and I have! Like, several times actually. I announce my gayness every Thanksgiving dinner. They think it’s just some stupid angsty phase.”
“Oh my god yeah, your mum is so conservative to the point that she can’t even fathom the possibility of having a gay daughter.” She imagined Enid rolling her eyes. Knowing the girl, she’s probably right. “You know you can solve this problem by just getting a girlfriend, right?”
The sound of water splashing against ceramic tiles suddenly stopped. A moment later Enid opened the door, her short blonde hair damp, dressed in casual wear. If casual can be described as an outfit that came straight out of a Mean Girls set, that is. “Easier said than done,” she finally replied.
“Why? Because you get absolutely zero bitches?”
The smirk in Yoko’s voice almost made Enid claw her throat out. “Excuse me? I’m popular as hell.”
“Yeah right.”
Enid grabbed a pair of socks from her drawer, unrolling them from their fold. “No, really!” she insisted. “It’s just- look. I don’t wanna go out with someone just to get my parents off my back. That seems incredibly unnecessary. Not to mention cruel.” She unplugged her phone then picked up her bag and started shoving a thick sketchbook inside.
“Well… you can always just fake date someone.”
Enid stopped mid-grab of her laptop and looked at her friend. “You can do that?”
“Uh, wow,” Yoko mocked, crossing her arms. “How do you not know about this.”
Enid stood up straight. “Well, I don’t know. It just never occurred to me I guess.” She finished packing her bag and walked towards her shoe rack, slipping on a pair of boots. As she shouldered her bag, Yoko stood up. “Maybe you should try it.”
Enid smiled at her, unsure. “You think so?”
“Totally! It’ll finally get your dear mum off your ass.” She bumped her shoulder with Enid’s and opened the door. “And besides, you might even find love.” She made kissy faces and Enid scoffed, mock disgusted.
They stumbled into the hall and made their way to the living room, where two of Enid’s housemates were sitting on the couch, watching a film on their tv. It had a crack on the corner, courtesy of some crackhead who had wandered in uninvited when they threw a party one night after finals had finished the year before. They got into deep shit with their dorm supervisor the day after. She greeted them a way too loud to be considered appropriate at 10am good morning before grabbing a pair of keys from the mantle near the door and finally stepping out into the sun.
Their conversation had been left untouched for the rest of the day as the two friends went to their respective classes. It was only later at night as Enid tucked herself into bed after scrolling through Tumblr for 3 hours straight that she really had the chance to unpack what Yoko had said to her earlier.
“Pretend to date a girl, huh…” she whispered to herself, pulling her blanket all the way to her neck. She bit her lip and shook her head, turning to her side and shivering at the cold breeze coming from an open window. She closed her eyes, immediately feeling the quiet kiss of sleep lulling her in.
“Where would I even find someone who would say yes?”
Enid opened her textbook, flipping to a page that she dog-eared during class the day prior. “Look at this shit,” she complained, grabbing her pen and squeezing it so tight it almost snapped in half.
“Biggest L to ever sweep humanity to be honest,” Ajax said, biting into a ham and cheese croissant. They were seated at a table in the corner of their local Uni café, the hushed buzz of several conversations of stressed, caffeinated students occupying the air like a thick swarm of pressurized bees.
“Shut up,” Enid groaned, slumping in her chair, devoid of any hope of ever seeing a grade higher than 50% on any of her final exams. Sometimes she wonders why she ever chose to major in visual arts and humanities of all courses. She has always been an artsy type of kid, but when it came to this she seriously has no clue. Even thinking of presentation titles gives her a migraine. “I’m literally out of all ideas, Ajax. My brain feels like a deflating balloon and my professor is holding a giant needle.”
Ajax finished his sandwich and took a sip of iced chocolate. “Look,” he started, fixing his beanie, “just cram. Seriously.” He raised his hands in defence when Enid glared at him. “I’m being for real, dude! Just get stoned for the entire month and then panic the day before. You work better when stressed. They did a study on it and everything.”
“And that’s why you’re failing your masters, you literal wet wipe.”
He shrugged and downed the rest of his drink. “It’s a proven piece of work that I would always stand by with.”
After another minute of back-and-forth banter that never really went anywhere (as was the usual), a comfortable silence fell over the two. Enid uncapped her pen and began doodling little stars along the margin of her notebook. For an art major this seemed incredibly childish, but one can only stare at so many different poses of anatomy before they start losing their mind. It’s healthy to scribble silly little drawings for yourself every now and then to prevent your brain from starting to associate art with work. At least that’s what she tells herself to justify her procrastination of ripping the plastic off yet another blank canvas.
As Enid began sketching out the outline of a wolf in whatever artstyle her brain decided was appropriate for the day, her mind once again wandered to the idea of fake dating. For some reason she just can’t let go of the thought that she hasn’t considered it sooner. She hated being dismissed as some Christian normie, a person kneeling under society’s expectation and being a part of her crazy family. And it wasn’t even her entire household that needed convincing of her orientation. Her dad was okay with it, and so were her brothers, even if they did used to bully her about being on the same low as them just because they all shared the same interest when it came to sexual preferences. But her mother, however, was a whole different story.
Enid exhaled, scribbling out her sketch in frustration. Her mother… where could she even start? To say that she was difficult is a huge understatement. She was exhausting and a narc and always treated Enid like she was still some 11year-old kid who had never once gone out into the world.
She remembered the first time she ever came out to her family - nervous as hell, tears almost threatening to break her composure. It wasn’t like they were homophobic or anything, she had tested the waters several times over the course of the year and it didn’t seem like they cared that much. As long as her or her siblings didn’t sign a contract to forever dedicate their lives to praising satanism or anything, then freedom was encouraged. But Enid didn’t believe in Heaven nor Hell, so the chance of that happening was highly unlikely anyways.
She first came out to her family when she was 14 years old. And as to be expected, her dad and brothers couldn’t give a shit. There were some hugs and awkward smiles but otherwise their reactions were overall positive.
But her mother, ever the nuisance, only scoffed and continued reading some God Loves You type of novel before heading to their kitchen to get started on dinner. Okay, Enid thought. At least I didn’t get kicked out of the house.
The second time Enid came out was during Thanksgiving. “I’m gay,” she said. “We know,” answered one of her brothers. Her mum only grunted in response. Enid got up from the table in frustration and locked herself in her room. She was 15 years old.
The third time yielded somewhat the same results. "I'm gay," she announced. "Oh my god here she goes again," said her sibling. "Good for you, sweetie," her dad mumbled. Yet once again, her mother, ever so supportive, had ignored her, suddenly becoming very interested at a random spot on the wall. Enid grit her teeth, stalking over to Yoko's house to complain about her mommy issues (though she would never explicitly say the exact words out loud.) She had blown out the candles on her cake for her 17th a little over a month prior.
In the fourth and most recent year, she decided to just confront her mother and tell it to her straight. “Mum, I’m a lesbian,” she said firmly. “I like girls.” She got an annoyed, disbelieving stare as an answer. She was just short of being 19. She had given up after that.
Maybe if she could just acknowledge the fact that her daughter was a raging homosexual, Enid thought bitterly, then maybe, just maybe, she’ll finally see me as my own person.
And so that’s why this needed to happen. It was the perfect plan. Get a fake girlfriend and invite her to stay over during summer break. Act disgustingly homo to convince her mother that she’s gay. Pretend to have the most devastating break up in the history of humanity when Uni resumes for extra dramatic effect, and afterwards she’ll finally be free from being seen as someone who only identified as a girl kisser for attention.
Enid smiled to herself, rolling her pen between her fingers. Sometimes, her genius was almost frightening.
“Why are you smiling?” Ajax suddenly asked loudly, almost a yell in her ear, breaking her off from her thoughts. She startled and was about to slap a bitch, but she took a deep breath and closed her eyes instead. When she opened them again she noticed that he was snacking on a salted pretzel. “Where did you get that?” she asked, still slightly annoyed.
He squinted at her, disbelieving. “Um, the counter? I asked you if you wanted anything earlier but you were too busy thinking about god knows what and didn’t answer.”
“I was brainstorming ideas on how to pass this semester’s exam,” she lied. No way in Hell was she telling him her plans of asking out a random girl on an impromptu date. Well, a fake date, but adding that would get her nothing but a weird look and a complementary trip to the local mental hospital.
“Just think about what I said earlier,” Ajax shrugged nonchalantly, brushing off pretzel crumbs from his lap. “Look, me and Zeph are throwing a party this weekend. You should come.”
Enid rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and spend the entire night as a witness to a bunch of sweaty boys trying to impress girls by shotgunning beer? No thanks.”
He laughed, leaning back in his chair. “Shit, you’re kinda right.”
After another restless hour of trying and failing to get any work done, the two friends finally packed their bags and left the café. Upon stepping out into the sun, Enid said goodbye to Ajax, who had a double lecture on the other side of campus. While walking to the gallery for her’s, she took out her phone and called Yoko, who she knew had just finished overseeing a low-level exhibition as part of an end of term assignment. Her phone had only managed to sing out a couple of rings before someone picked up. “What’s up,” Yoko greeted.
Enid squinted against the sun’s glare, wishing she’d brought her sunglasses with her. “Hey Koko. You finished with your exhibit yet? How’d it go?”
“Yeah, it was pretty decent actually. I watched some openings on YouTube and that kinda prepped me on what to say and which paintings to praise.”
“Cool, cool.”
A beat passed.
“You okay? Wanna meet for lunch after class?” Yoko asked, a tinge of concern in her voice.
“Uh, yeah,” Enid replied. She reached the gallery, and she was grateful for the shade it brought. She stood outside the building and leaned against the wall. “I was just thinking of that thing you said yesterday, about the fake dating?”
“Huh. I didn’t expect that.”
Enid groaned. “Yoko, I’m being serious.”
“I know you are!” she chuckled. “So? Are you gonna go through with it?”
Enid kicked a rock that was in her way. “I mean, I want to? I lowkey got a plan.” She pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned. “Ugh, but who would I even do it with? My parents know all my friends. They’ll get suspicious if I suddenly brought, say, Divina, over and started acting all lovey dovey with her.”
“Shit, didn’t think of that. Well how about Bianca? Your family’s never seen her.”
Enid almost laughed at the answer. “You’re kidding me, right? Bianca Barclay?”
“Did I stutter?” If she hadn’t known better Yoko almost sounded offended.
“Hell no, to both questions.” She bit her lip, unsure of what to do. On one hand, this seemed like a bold idea. But on the other, it also seemed incredibly ridiculous. After some thought, she spoke again. “I want someone that would spite my mum good and make her so mad and uncomfortable that she’ll never consider doubting me ever again.”
She heard Yoko open her mouth to reply, but then stop and gasped. “Holy shit,” she said, excitement coating her words. Enid looked at her phone, worried. “What?” she asked cautiously.
“I know the perfect person.”
“Yeah, very funny.”
"I'm dead serious, Enid."
"Stop gatekeeping then! Who is it?"
“Don’t get mad when I suggest her though,” Yoko backtracked. "I know you guys haven't spoken for a while."
Enid was losing her patience. “Yoko, I swear to god-”
“Your perfect girlfriend is Wednesday Addams.”
“…What the fuck.”
Enid had never ended a call so fast in her life.