Chapter Text
Que Sera Serra
Chapter 1
" I learned something from Nandi, not just from what happened, but from her. The family that she made…the strength of her love for them…that's what kept them together.
When we live with that kind of strength we get tied to it, can't break away and we never want to.
There's something…there's something I should have done a long while ago. And I'm sorry for both of us that it took me this long… I'm leaving."
-Inara Serra
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The sound of a slamming door and then the crashing of objects against interior walls drew a couple of the crew members from their own quarters.
Jayne was the first to note the ruckus with a "What the hell is goin' on in there?!" as he glanced toward Wash and Zoe who gave a concerned glance toward the captain's bunk.
"Should we check on him?" Wash wondered with a hesitant look at his wife before turning his focus back to the more muscular man, the mercenary, who now looked scared at the idea of confronting their superior officer.
A loud but muffled "Damn it all to Hell!" drifted from Captain Malcolm Reynolds quarters along with a string of Mandarin expletives causing his three friends to again share a worried look.
"I ain't goin' in," Jayne shook his head, pursed his lips together and turned to go back to his own room.
"Well I don't think I'm the best option…" Wash took a deep breath and attempted to give his wife a sheepish kind of puppy-dog face, praying she wouldn't force him to confront the ship's leader.
"Give him time. Whatever it is he'll work it out," Zoe stated with some assurance, but then followed it with a nervous intake of air. She took a slow look around the upper deck surrounding the crew quarters wondering about their other crewmate, Kaylee, and Inara, the companion, who held vested interests in the captain's wellbeing.
Zoe was Captain Malcolm Reynolds's oldest friend aboard the spacecraft. She had fought beside him in the war and stayed by his side as they made this new life together, flying through space taking whatever jobs came their way.
She even blamed Mal for her marriage. Malcolm Reynolds was the one who brought Wash on board as the ship's pilot… And, well, that part of the story was history.
But with all that in consideration, Zoe's gut told her that Mal's outburst was somehow tied to Inara Serra and the battles that were just fought on the planet they were leaving behind.
******
The dark-haired companion did her best not to let tears fall before she got back to her shuttle. Inara couldn't believe the words that had come from her lips just moments ago. Her heart was beating out of her chest as she stepped into her sanctuary and closed the door.
Their conversation along the catwalk could've gone two ways. Her heart could have melted at his soft words. The captain really didn't even need to say three particular words for her to know what was in his heart. She could've listened, kissed him - or let him kiss her and then join in - and then brought him back here, to her shuttle, to explore a new and promising relationship.
Or, she could balk at the idea of them sharing feelings for each other and run.
Obviously, her mind had chosen the second option, leaving him standing dumbfounded and hurt, watching her walk away.
Now, would Mal come after her? Did he understand what she had told him? Did it matter to him? It seemed like it would, it should…but he could be a dense, stubborn man. And if her declaration to leave had struck that fully male chord in his body then she was making the right choice.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. She shuffled to her bed and curled herself into a fetal position as the tears were now flowing of their own accord. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with him. That is why she had to leave. That is the lesson she had learned from Nandi before the woman was killed.
She had vowed not to fall in love; not to allow herself to be tied to someone - someones, truly - by an emotion. She had to make this break before there was no turning back, before she couldn't live without Malcolm Reynolds in her life.
But had she already passed that breaking point? What if he happened to come after her…
The soft knock at the door made Inara sit straight up in her bed. She wiped desperately at her eyes to compose herself but found herself drowning in the world of those unwanted thoughts putting her tear ducts into overdrive.
"Inara?" the young mechanic's voice called through the door. "Are you okay?" Kaylee asked hesitantly.
The companion took a deep breath, sighed to herself, and then touched her chin to her chest. Kaylee…dear girl…it was Kaylee.
Of course Mal hadn't followed her to the shuttle. Why would she even think… How dare her heart give him any benefit of the doubt.
Anyways, he never knocked. If the captain had followed her he would've just come on in and probably made crass, hurtful statements to make her mad.
Heaven forbid he try to console her.
She sighed again. "Kaylee, I'm really not up to talking right now," Inara felt her voice wavering but she still made the words loud enough for the girl to hear.
"Okay," Kaylee sounded a bit sad. "I'm sorry about Nandi. And…and I'm here if you need to talk. I know it's hard to lose a friend."
Inara knew the girl was waiting on a response so she wet her lips with the tip of her tongue and answered simply, "Thank you, Mèimei."
Kaylee put her ear to the shuttle door. She thought she had heard the sound of tears. She could only imagine what Inara must be feeling right now. And then she wondered if perhaps the captain was with Inara, comforting her. The younger woman hoped that was the case and decided to assume the best.
"You're welcome," Kaylee nodded, then added, "I'm sure we'll be getting supper ready 'fore too long. If you an the cap'n feel like eatin' anything."
Inara pinched her eyelids together with more tears spilling over. At this moment, the last thing she wanted was to even think of the cap'n and certainly didn't want to chance seeing him.
"I have some provisions in here," she spoke then breathed in through her nose with a slight burn from the swelling sinuses that accompanied her tears. "I think I just want to be alone for a while."
Kaylee considered the words and realized Mal wasn't in that room. She wondered for a moment if perhaps he should be, and thought about finding him and pointing him in Inara's direction.
That's when she heard the distant sounds of some ruckus in another part of the ship.
*****
An hour later the crew members sat around the kitchen table chatting with Shepherd Book - the preacher, and the Tam's - brother and sister, Simon and River. All three had become part of the Serenity family since boarding the boat months prior. Other than a few short trips planet-side it seemed the three strangers were now permanent fixtures on the transport ship.
Which is why the captain's outburst and Inara's lack of socializing concerned them all.
"Was Inara close to Nandi?" Kaylee wondered with eyebrows dipped in concern. "She ain't never mentioned her before. Seemin' like if they'd been close she woulda mentioned her."
Shepherd Book, the preacher, shook his head. "Not necessarily, Kaylee. I mean it seems they were acquaintances. From the conversations I heard it was more like they knew of each other instead of actually knowing each other."
"But Nandi waved for Inara when they needed help," Kaylee countered.
"Captain Reynolds's reputation precedes him," Dr. Simon Tam threw in. "I'm sure word has gotten around through the entire galaxy that Inara's traveling on board his ship. Probably wasn't hard for Nandi to reach out in their situation."
"True," Zoe added in. "And with their need for a doctor as well for Petaline and her baby… We should probably be concerned at how much information is really floating out there about all of us onboard Serenity. Amazing the Alliance is still trailing us."
"What's that about the Alliance?"
Every body at the table sat up straighter in their chairs at the sound of the captain's voice. None of the crew members had checked on him after the momentary noise from his quarters. Now with him coming in for supper they were quite sure the outburst was something random and of no worry.
"We was just wonderin' how easy it had been for Nandi to come by our frequencies…to be able to wave Inara and such," Kaylee did her best to sum up their conversation.
"Thinkin' it's gettin' a bit too easy for folks to find us. Whores on some moon gettin' eyes on us…" Jayne started and felt Mal's eyes burning directly into his face. The gun-for-hire dropped his thought without finishing it.
Several of them noticed the way Mal had frozen in place with the mention of Nandi…and Inara.
The captain breathed in shallowly, dropped into his chair at the table and went about putting food on his plate. "Where is our resident…companion?" he asked mutedly.
Kaylee looked toward Zoe who gave a subtle, silent nod before the mechanic spoke up. "She ain't feelin' up to company tonight. Said she had provisions in her shuttle. 'Magine she ain't real hungry after all that happened down at Heart o' Gold."
"Nuttin' differ'nt than what happens at other places we visit. Fightin', shootin', we took care o' business," Mal mumbled as he looked down at his plate.
"She lost her friend, Cap'n," Kaylee admonished him.
Mal looked up at the young woman who had become like his little sister and noticed all the other sets of eyes focused on him. He took a quick breath then looked back down at his plate. "Yeah, well, reckon that's true," he mumbled.
"Heartbreak…" River Tam mentioned the single word out of the blue and then lifted her fork to continue eating. All of them knew River held a brilliant mind that had been tampered with by the Alliance. They also suspected she might have a touch of psychic ability but her doctor brother had yet to truly discover those gifts.
So each took her observation as just that.
"Prob'ly right," Mal mumbled again. He took a small bite and tried to swallow it past the lump in his throat with mixed emotions rolling through his mind and heart concerning that resident companion.
The staunch and true leader of their rutty gang ate the rest of his meal in near silence, listening to his crew and friends talk about the events that led up to Inara's friend's death…and the companion's decision to leave.
That last part was what he couldn't wrap his brain around. He was trying to apologize to Inara earlier, for his one-night-stand with Nandi. He was trying to open up and talk to her. What had gone so wrong that she wanted to leave him - the crew - Serenity?
He knew better than to share her words with anyone else at that table, though - at least not yet.
Inara Serra had done nothing but disrupt his world since she walked onto his ship, his Serenity. He was taken by her beauty, the way she held and carried herself; the way she made her demands and left him no room to disagree with her.
He was impressed at the fight she carried within her. While the crew and guests aboard Serenity gave him respect as their captain and leader - even Zoe when she disagreed with him often - Inara stood her ground. The two of them bickered, argued and frustrated one another to no end.
Did he often go out of his way to frustrate and irritate her? Yes… if he had to admit it…yes. But that also offered him a chance to be with her, close to her, and allowed him to see her inner workings, beyond those well-trained, composed, companion features.
And that was the Inara he had fallen in love with. He wasn't stubborn or dense enough to have missed that emotion. He knew he was in love with her. But her job, their business arrangement and yes, his keen sense of denial, kept him from even attempting to act on those feelings.
If she wouldn't admit it, he wouldn't admit it. Although he nearly had in his moment of truthsomeness earlier, alone with her, reliving the scars that had been reopened at Nandi's whorehouse.
Instead she interrupted his moment of truth to say that she was…leaving. He had thought she was going to kiss him. Maybe she was going to tell him that she was leaving the Guild, ending her career as a professional prostitute/whore/companion…weren't they all the same in the long run?
But instead she had looked up at him with those dark doe eyes, her lips red with lipstick, and spoke to him about the love that Nandi had formed with her family of misfits on the planet.
And then she said she was leaving.
"Didn't you think so, too, Cap'n?" Kaylee asked twice before Mal even registered that she was talking to him.
"What?" he asked with the pout that had formed on his own lips.
"Petaline's baby, Jonah, he was a cutie wasn't he? Simon said that little one is healthy as a horse. He'll have a whole den full of mama's and daddies taking care of him like a little prince. Won't he?"
"Yeah," Mal answered and then he stood up, took his plate from the table and headed toward the sink to clean it off.
"Cap'n, you okay?" Kaylee wondered, watching him closely.
Mal swallowed roughly, thinking about the baby, Nandi, and what the coming days were going to hold with Inara.
"Need to breathe," Mal bit on his lower lip and wandered out of the galley. He looked up toward the path that would take him to Inara's shuttle and stared for a lengthy moment.
He debated going up there, he really did, but then he realized that in his current state of mind he would likely set her off again, make her mad or make her cry. Seemed like that was about the only things he was capable of doing.
So he turned toward the crew quarters and headed back to his bunk. Once his door was closed and locked he sat on the edge of his bed trying to run everything through his mind in some kind of calm fashion.
Mal scrubbed his hands over his face. He was gonna have to interact with her again at some point. He was gonna have to actually interact with his crew as well - real conversations. Still Mal didn't feel it was his place to inform their friends that Inara was…leaving.
His head spun. He couldn't wrap his mind around any of this right now. Instead he grabbed a bottle of whiskey that he had confiscated from Heart of Gold, unscrewed the cap and drank straight from the glass rim.
Maybe he would wake up from this latest nightmare in the morning.