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Xingqiu and Chongyun stood side-by-side in the dreary nighttime, surrounded by unfamiliar houses and arching trees. Xingqiu had done his research correctly this time - no fake stories just to tease his friend, only proper information from reliable sources. Various teenagers reported a spirit in the area, but no one believed enough to make a big deal out of it. No one except for the blue-haired boy next to him. He hadn’t been one for talking on the way there, instead apologising and focusing on keeping his yang energy in check. Now they’d arrived, and Xingqiu could almost sense him trembling with excitement.
Xingqiu would be a little more hopeful about this encounter if he weren’t lying about the spirit. Well, not necessarily lying, just omitting a rather large bit of information that he thought would be somewhat awkward to discuss.
Chongyun put down his bag next to a nondescript brick building and cracked his knuckles, turning to Xingqiu with a smile that made him feel even more guilty.
“Ready to look around?” He asked. Xingqiu noticed him struggling not to tap his fingers on his leg nervously. He took a deep breath and put his bag next to his friend’s, offering an encouraging smile and pat on the arm.
“Let’s bag us a spirit,” he declared. They split up, falling into the familiar routine of investigating together. Whenever they heard a noise, they’d call out the others’ names to check it was them, causing this small game of Marco Polo between them. Xingqiu managed to creak open a door of a small house and felt uncomfortable tingles spread across his skin when he looked around. He really hated this part. Chongyun provided safety and security, and being separated from him always made everything a thousand times more uncomfortable.
He examined the house thoroughly, eyes dragging over the peeling wallpaper and old, dilapidated furniture. He wondered vaguely what happened to this house's inhabitants and whether they’d left due to some spiritual interference. A large number of belongings were still strewn about, aged and covered in thick dust. He spied a bookshelf and beelined over when he saw a few intact books, running a gentle finger along their spines to make out the titles. A few ancient and rare books he’d read many times already, some old papers - probably bills - and…
Xingqiu’s eyes lit up, and he almost jumped out of happiness. A book he’d only ever heard about, one he’d scoured every collection he could find for. He gently pulled it out of the shelf, with a broad grin on his face as he saw the condition. It was beautiful, pristinely kept - bar a bit of dust. He cracked it open and was instantly enveloped by the smell of the old pages. Gently, he hugged it to his chest. It was finds like these that made these expeditions worth it. That and the grateful presence of his best friend.
Xingqiu heard a creak nearby and spun around, book almost forgotten. He called out a feeble ‘Chongyun?’ and was met with (thank the Archons) a familiar face popping through the door frame.
“Hi, Qiu. I thought I heard some talking. Did you gasp?” Chongyun paced over to where he was, spying the bookshelf and the volume cradled gently in Xingqiu’s hands. Xingqiu felt flustered for a moment before remembering just what he had found.
“Ah, that was probably me. I found an original volume of ‘The Scarf’s End’! I’ve only ever heard stories about this one, do you remember?” Chongyun let out a puff of laughter.
“Was that the one you tried to send a letter to Rex Lapis about when you were younger?”
“The very same! It’s in pristine condition; all of these are.” He paused guiltily. “I wish we knew where the old inhabitants went so we could ask them for permission but…”
“You want them for your collection?” Chongyun smirked knowingly, and Xingqiu nodded. “I think you gain more from these trips than I ever do.” He began picking up books with Xingqiu to bring out to their bags. He handled them so carefully as if they’d crumble apart at too strong a wind. Xingqiu was so distracted watching his hands he almost missed his words.
“N-nonsense, Chongyun! You gain plenty of experience from these!” Chongyun sent him a smile as they left the house with arms full of books. “Besides, you also get the fantastic privilege of being in my company,” he teased, sidling up to his friend to nudge him with his elbow. Chongyun muttered a ‘careful’ through a playful scowl as they packed the books into their bags.
“Well, I finished investigating over this side, anyway. Did you find anything interesting besides the most wanted novel ever?” Xingqiu rolled his eyes as they straightened up.
“It’s not the most wanted novel ever; that’d be A Long Journey: Thief’s Revenge, which was only ever printed twice, and one copy was burnt but no one knows where the other-“ Xingqiu cut himself off. “Ah… No, I didn’t see anything unusual. How about you?” Chongyun smiled at his ramblings but shook his head.
“Nothing on my side, either…” He trailed off, and Xingqiu felt shame burn in his chest as he remembered his omission. “Oh well, guess it’s another dead end.” His face fell as he sighed. He stared at the ground dejectedly before going to collect their bags.
“Not, uh, necessarily…” Xingqiu blurted out before he could stop himself. There was something so disheartening about seeing Chongyun disappointed that made him incapable of behaving rationally. He cursed under his breath as Chongyun tilted his head.
“What do you mean, Xingqiu?” Chongyun’s eyes were impossibly wide, and Xingqiu screwed up his face as he felt his resolve crack.
“Imayormaynothave uh, kept something from you?” He rushed out. “About the spirit?” He squinted open an eye to see Chongyun frown.
“Well, was it important? I trust that anything you’ve left out would be unnecessary, right?” Xingqiu’s shame began to burn in his chest again as he avoided eye contact. “Xingqiu?”
“Uh… It’s kind of? Important?” He wrung his hands. “It’s just, really awkward, I guess…” Chongyun raised his eyebrows, urging him to continue. “So the reports I told you about, the ones from those teenagers? It was always from when they came up here to uh… kiss and… stuff…” He said quietly, avoiding looking at Chongyun. “Every report had that in common, but I didn’t really want to mention it because… it is awkward! And I have no idea if you’d like to test it or who you’d even ask to come up here with you because, let’s be honest, it's not exactly a good place for a date, and then I thought that maybe you’d want to bring Xiangling or something just to test it out, but then I really miss doing these with you but then also what if you do try and you overheat and-“
“Okay, let’s try it,” Chongyun said seriously, and Xingqiu looked up from his nervous rambling to see him staring back at him with a small smile. “I-I mean… If you’re comfortable with that, of course.” His cheeks flushed. Xingqiu inhaled sharply.
“Uh, y-yeah! Sure, um… We just need to make sure you stay cool. For the spirit, right?” Xingqiu felt his heart rate increase as Chongyun nodded shyly, taking a few deep breaths. “It’s just me, Yun. No need to get worked up,” he added, making Chongyun give him an annoyed look that made him laugh.
“Okay, um… How do we do this?” Chongyun asked, moving closer to Xingqiu and oh, Morax, this is really happening. Xingqiu straightened and almost froze as Chongyun’s hand brushed his cheek to hold his jaw. Forget Chongyun overheating; what about me? “Is this okay?” Chongyun breathed, so close Xingqiu could feel the air waft over him. He nodded, closing his eyes. Chongyun hummed, and Xingqiu felt him lean in. Their lips brushed, and Xingqiu instantly wanted to melt. Kissing Chongyun…
Was awkward. Chongyun almost instantly pulled away quickly and bumped their noses together in the process. They both groaned, and Xingqiu let out a laugh that eased the tension.
“Well, that was… uh…”
“Bad?” Chongyun supplied, and they both laughed. “Archons, I’m sorry. Is your nose okay?” Xingqiu patted his nose to prove it was alright and grinned at Chongyun. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” he said, and Xingqiu shook his head.
“No, no… If it helps you catch a spirit, of course, I will. I think we should maybe uh… sit down?” He felt lightheaded for various Chongyun-related reasons that were probably very obvious to anyone who wasn’t him. Chongyun found a bench nearby that wasn’t too damaged, and they sat down and turned to each other.
“Okay, let’s try again,” Chongyun said, sliding his hand back to hold Xingqiu’s jaw and leaning in. Xingqiu felt his whole body tense up.
It was a bit longer this time, long enough for Xingqiu to feel the yearning for more bubble up in his gut. He pushed it down as they pulled away. Chongyun’s eyes immediately flicked around them, looking for signs of any spirits. Xingqiu could feel him start to give up, and he caught his wrist before it left his face.
“M-maybe its… not convincing enough.” Chongyun tilted his head. “I mean, these couples who reported seeing the spirit were all uh… dating and such. Maybe the spirit doesn’t believe our act?” Xingqiu guided Chongyun’s hand back to his face, praying he wouldn’t pry further into the flimsy logic. To his surprise, Chongyun nodded. He reached out to Xingqiu’s legs and pulled them, so they lay draped over his lap. Xingqiu squeaked as he was turned to face Chongyun, meeting his beautiful blue eyes and knowing there was no way he could refuse. Chongyun leaned in again, and this time Xingqiu eagerly met him.
This kiss may have been a bit less awkward, but Xingqiu knew it’d be the one he’d overthink for months afterwards. Kissing Chongyun was… serene. Their lips moved together, and Xingqiu’s hand found its way into his hair. Chongyun was gentle and so, so loving. He tasted just like his popsicles, and Xingqiu was hooked on it. They pulled away briefly to catch their breath, and Xingqiu was about to ask if Chongyun needed a break to cool down when his lips were smothered once again.
Xingqiu couldn’t be sure how much time had passed, but it was long enough that they’d ended up completely entangled in each other, continuously kissing and holding the other gently. Xingqiu kept trying to tell himself it was just for the expedition, and he really shouldn’t read into it too much, but Chongyun’s hand gently running through his hair as they continued felt so wonderful that he couldn’t help but indulge. He was still surprised when Chongyun nudged his tongue against his lips and inhaled in shock as Chongyun immediately pulled himself away before he could react.
He stood up, eyes trained on the trees nearby. Xingqiu was about to ask what he was doing when he remembered. Right, the spirit. The whole reason they were doing this in the first place. Chongyun disappeared into the treeline, and Xingqiu took a moment to calm himself down, fixing his hair and trying to will the flush on his cheeks away.
This was quite possibly one of the most atrociously horrendous ideas he had ever had. How he had thought he’d get through this unscathed, hell, even better off, he had no idea. Kissing Chongyun was a mistake that had made him all the more infatuated with the boy despite his flawed logic that surely he could just get it out of his system. He had hoped that it would be awful, that he would feel empty inside, and Chongyun would awkwardly conclude never to do it again, but instead…
Light blue appeared from the trees, and Xingqiu tried to hide the way he sat up impossibly straighter as a smile slid onto his face.
“‘Qiu, there was something there, I swear. It was so close I could smell it. We just need a bit more, and then I can catch it off guard.” Chongyun babbled excitedly as he barreled back into Xingqiu’s arms, rearranging himself so he was in Xingqiu’s lap. He loomed over him with determination flashing on his features. Xingqiu swallowed.
“I’m going to kiss you so hard,” he said breathlessly. Xingqiu felt a rush of warmth hit his face again as Chongyun’s thumbs brushed his cheeks. “So we can make it believe we’re in love, okay?” Xingqiu took a deep breath, hands floating over Chongyun’s waist before resting there delicately. Even though they were so close to achieving a lifelong dream, Chongyun was still so careful.
And who would Xingqiu be if he didn’t facilitate that dream?
That’s what he told himself, anyway, as he craned up to meet Chongyun’s mouth in another feverish exchange. He felt guilty, really. Was it taking advantage of him if he didn't know the full scope of his feelings? If he didn’t realise the fluttering in his stomach was much more profound and ever-present than he ever imagined was possible?
It wasn’t like he’d lied to get here. Some small part of him had hoped it would end up this way, but that was the ever-optimistic wishful thinker inside of him. Chongyun pulled back to pepper kisses along his jaw, his lips red and face flushed. Xingqiu squeezed his eyes shut to avoid looking at him. This was not going to help at all. How could he ever forget the shape of Chongyun’s waist beneath his fingers, the flutter of eyelashes against his cheek and the soft puff of breath on his lips? Xingqiu let out an involuntary hum as Chongyun pecked under his ear, brushing his thumbs across his hips and pressing his forehead against Chongyun’s shoulder.
He wanted to cry. He never wanted this to end. He had felt the urge to kiss Chongyun before, but now that he had, he never wanted to go back. How could he continue to be completely platonic friends with this boy when he knew the way his lips felt against his own? When he knew how safe and loved being held in his arms this way felt?
“Xingqiu?” Chongyun murmured next to his ear, arms encircling him and rubbing his back. “Are you okay?”
Shit. He’d been letting tears fall onto the light blue fabric of Chongyun’s hoodie, and he was shaking. He made a strangled noise, pulling Chongyun further onto his lap and impossibly closer. Chongyun pressed their bodies together tightly, squishing Xingqiu against him as if he could squeeze the sadness away. It might have worked any other day.
“I didn’t know this would upset you,” Chongyun continued. Good Chongyun, ‘impossibly virtuous’ Chongyun. ‘Probably the love of Xingqiu’s life’, Chongyun (if he wasn’t just being dramatic). “I’m sorry.” He ended in a whisper. Xingqiu nestled his face deeper into his neck. If only Chongyun didn’t meet every single one of Xingqiu’s impossibly high standards. If only he were a bit harsher, a bit less devoted. A bit less Chongyun.
As it was, Xingqiu could not simply live out the rest of his life in Chongyun’s grasp, as much as he wanted to. He would have to excuse himself, and blame it on his tiredness (though it gave him a pang of heartache to lie). He squeezed his arms around Chongyun one last time before retreating, rubbing his face and avoiding the imploring blue eyes chasing his own.
“Xingqiu? A-“
“My lack of sleep last night seems to have caught up with me, Yun, my apologies,” he sniffled, eyes downcast. “I don’t think we can attract any spirits with me bringing us down like this.” Chongyun was still in his lap, arms loosely resting on Xingqiu’s sides. He was silent for a while, simply watching him. Xingqiu finally looked up to meet his soft gaze. “What?”
“The spirit,” Chongyun said gently. “It was right here almost the entire time.” Xingqiu blinked.
“Then why didn’t you get it?”
“Because you are much more important to me than any spirit,” he said earnestly, a kind smile on his face. “There are countless spirits to banish, but only one Xingqiu.” Xingqiu felt his chest ache, eyes welling up again. “Besides, it probably would have just r-”
“I love you,” Xingqiu blurted before he could stop himself. “Sorry. I-I’m sorry.” Chongyun’s eyes went wide. Xingqiu cussed himself out internally. Way to make it so that he never speaks to you again. The way he had potentially given up one of the only spirits to ever not disappear around him just so that they could continue to hold each other… Well, call him melodramatic, but Xingqiu had never felt so loved. To be put so far above a lifelong dream was almost unbearably kind.
And, of course, it was Chongyun who felt that way. Or, he claimed he felt that way. Really, his self-doubt and distrust of his own usefulness even extended to others' opinions of him. But every time Xingqiu doubted Chongyun’s truthfulness in this way, there was a deep pang of guilt. Chongyun would never say something like that unless he truly felt that way, he told himself. But the niggling self-doubt called his best friend a liar all the same.
Brought back to the present by annoyance at his thought patterns, he took in Chongyun’s shocked expression and shook his head sadly, murmuring another apology. He was way too late to brush it off as platonic, wasn’t he?
He quickly ran through his options in a flood of thoughts. He could pretend he was unwell, that the spirit was affecting him in a strange way. He could attempt to brush it off as platonic, and refuse to elaborate further when pressed. He could continue the ‘tired’ lie and add in a couple of yawns and eye rubs to make it seem authentic.
But all of those would just push Chongyun away, and prevent them from probably ever ending up ensnared in each other. By all logic, he should simply wait for Chongyun’s reaction and act accordingly. He sometimes took a little while to process these things, but it would be a negative reaction, perhaps even adding on that he didn’t want to see him again. This may well end up being their last expedition together, and the thought sent a shiver of discomfort through him.
He finally turned his attention away from his panicking thoughts and back to the boy in front of him with a deep breath. He seemed to have almost finished deciding his response, staring down at the small space between them with eyebrows furrowed and lips pulled into a small pout. He looked conflicted, but oh how Xingqiu longed to rub away his frown and smother that adorable pout with his lips. Chongyun took a deep breath and raised his eyes to meet Xingqiu’s. Xingqiu tensed for impact.
However, instead of Chongyun pulling away and leaving him alone to stew on his mistakes, he squeezed his sides.
“I-I love you too, Xingqiu,” Chongyun said softly. Xingqiu met his gaze with scepticism. Surely, there was simply no way the boy matched his affliction. No way he could possibly hold as much admiration for Xingqiu as Xingqiu held for him. The feelings inside him were so vast that perhaps even the word ‘love’ didn’t fully encompass them. Chongyun was bad at lying, his ears would pinken and the corner of his mouth would pull down. But looking at his face, instead of any confusion or pink ears, he only saw genuine honesty spread across his features.
Oh. Okay. Well, that changed a great deal.
Despite himself, Xingqiu broke out into crazed giggles, relief overcoming him. Holy shit. That meant he didn’t have to- he wouldn’t miss- he could do this again. Whenever he wanted. Chongyun watched him with a confused smile.
“My apologies, my dear Yun-Yun. I’m just-” Xingqiu paused to try to find a word for the confusing swirl of emotions inside him. Relief, fear, confusion, but most of all-, “I’m happy. I’m really happy.”
“I’m happy, too,” Chongyun said gently. His arms wrapped around Xingqiu’s back once more as he pulled him into an embrace. Xingqiu sighed contentedly, feeling like he might burst from the cocktail of bubbling emotions. “Is this okay?”
“It’s more than okay, Chongyun.” Please never let go so I can bask in this forever. Xingqiu threaded his fingers through Chongyun’s pale hair, weaving through the soft locks while he tried to will himself not to scream out in celebration. The smile on his face felt unstoppable. He felt unstoppable. Even the dilapidated surroundings and frail wooden bench digging into his back felt unimportant, the pain simply a reminder that he was awake, he was conscious and this was really happening.
He pulled back from the embrace to press the back of his hand to Chongyun’s forehead, which was undoubtedly quite warm. Chongyun flushed.
“Sorry, I’m trying to stay cool-”
“Can I kiss you?” Xingqiu interrupted him. Chongyun was adorable when he was flustered, whatever confidence he had earlier had left in droves, and he could barely get a sentence out as Xingqiu grinned at him. How many times had he felt the urge to press his lips to the pinkness in his cheeks? It felt like countless thoughts and wishes could now be fulfilled in an instant.
Chongyun nodded meekly and shut his eyes with a deep breath. Xingqiu held his face in both palms, first kissing his cheeks, then his forehead, then hovering just in front of his lips. Chongyun found another shred of courage and moved forward to let them meet for the countless time in the middle of the darkened ruins.
But this time was even more important to both of them than any plot to find a spirit.