Chapter Text
Boredom, in Kaeya’s humble opinion, is humankind’s worst enemy. It leads either to creating the best invention one will ever lay eyes upon or getting a stupid idea and proceeding with the said idea despite knowing you're a clown for even thinking about it in the first place and an entire circus for following through with it.
Well, because Kaeya is Kaeya and he doesn’t tend to invent anything but problems he finds himself stupidly giggling on his own bed with one of the most brilliant ideas yet. He’s going to catfish his friends so hard and laugh in their faces later, it’s gonna be hilarious!
He has a cashier grin on his face the whole time he is making a throwaway email account and then a new discord account, the whole time he’s googling ‘discord kitten’ aesthetics to fit into his ‘about me’ and his discord status and a profile picture that would scream ‘ UwU, kawaii’ and let everyone know he is a girl and totally not a dude trying to prank his friends.
Brilliant. His plan is fucking brilliant.
Maybe other people would get embarrassed to admit the amount of time and effort they’ve put into becoming a perfect discord kitten but Kayea being Kayea feels zero shame about the hours he spent on analyzing catfishing and kitten behavior, he would even parade about, loud and proud, proclaiming what he had done.
It's hours later when he has all the knowledge stored safely under his thumb that he deems it's time to start stalking his friends, acquaintances, and, so to say, enemies before starting his little catfishing event. He looks for the servers he shares with his friends where it wouldn't be suspicious if he joins and instantly accepts several server invitations he fishes off of his friends' public accounts or when he really can't do otherwise from his own invites. He can't make it easy for them to look through the invitations log and spot him being suspicious.
Upon joining he knows who to target immediately and also which strangers to message so his friends wouldn't get suspicious if the new discord kitten would message only a few individuals that conveniently know each other.
Sometimes he opens his lines in an insufferable way with the good old classic ‘OwO notices your bulgie wulgie’ just to laugh at himself and how cringe it is, sometimes he actually goes with a half-decent greeting of ‘H-hewwo OwO,’ followed by ‘Sowwy, I’m wewy nerwus qvq,’ and then when it comes down to people he actually wants to catfish because he bets it would be hilarious he goes with a line that wouldn’t instantly give him away as a troll and starts like a normal person would to gradually degrade into the role of a good kitten he voluntarily signed up for. He makes it unique for each person, basing it on their type, their kinks, or his usually very correct assumption of both of those.
Even if he knows or strongly suspects the other person is gay or uninterested he is convinced he can catfish anyone, no matter the gender.
Hell, he is so confident in his skills that he could even pull Diluc if the man wouldn't block Kaeya ages ago which proves to be a problem because they only share one private server with mutual friends and Kaeya can't just randomly come into that one as a new account nobody knows. And while sure, he’d find it a great challenge and extremely funny to catfish Diluc the consequences aren’t worth it. They’re already on strained talking terms, adding fuel to the fire is going to have dire consequences Kaeya isn’t sure he will ever be capable of facing. Not if it means losing whatever he has left of Diluc.
Kaeya groans and tiredly drags the palm of his hand down his face. He is thinking about him again . He really lives in his mind rent-free no matter the fact that Diluc sure as hell doesn’t share the sentiment with Kaeya. After all the time that has gone by Diluc is not worth the amount of thoughts Kaeya directs him and he should really learn how to cope with his hopeless longing.
Usually, alcohol and humor would cut it for him but not when he is like this, alone in his apartment where Diluc is free to creep up inside of his mind and not leave, especially while intoxicated.
This sounds insane even for him but maybe he should get an actual discord daddy to push Diluc out of his fucking mind and not just catfish his friends for a distraction.
A ping of response drags him out of his head. He looks at his phone and sees a line of DMs he has to artfully answer to dutifully upkeep his image of a discord kitten. You know what they say, job first, fun later, or in Kaeya's case, catfishing first, Diluc later.
|Hottest Sister In Town: What the fuck|
He snickers at Rosaria's response, kicking his feet like a schoolgirl who just received attention from her crush.
|Hottest Sister In Town: Keaya I swear to god if that's you I'll rip your balls off.|
|Hottest Sister In Town: Get it?|
|Hottest Sister In Town: R. I. P.|
Kaeya bursts out laughing. He can't tell if he just got threatened with free castration or hit with a dad joke resulting from the offer for the said joyous event. Knowing Rosaria, probably both. May his balls truly rest in peace (and pieces) if she ever gets her hands on them.
His fingers are shaking from barely contained laughter as he artfully types out his response.
|Owl: um|
|Owl: OwO, I dwont knOwO who is kwaya tee hee|
He quickly jumps to answer another DM while waiting for Rosaria's undoubtedly legendary response. The majority of the replies are very bland and uninteresting so he skips them for later, not really bothering with the randos he messages for alibi until he bumps against a discord user he is pretty sure he hasn't even noticed before today and whose simple messages knock all humour off of kaeya's face.
|Falcon: Hello. Who are you?|
|Falcon: I don't think you had messaged the correct person.|
|Falcon: And if you had and this had been your intention, you are acting foolish. You will be taken advantage of. Please don't send messages like these to strangers.|
It's the most mature response Kaeya has ever seen to a message that spells, word for word, ‘OwO notices your bulgie wulgie,’ with proper punctuation and everything and also the kind of a response that so painfully reminds him of Diluc he wants to cry.
No! Goddamnit no! He told himself already he is not going to think about his brother and some stupid random Discord user isn't Diluc! The man is barely on social media, and on top of that Kaeya knows his account, there's no way nor reason for Diluc to have more than one so Kaeya should stop associating everything with him!
He's half tempted to skip the rando in favour of his sanity but his foolish heart is louder than his brain. He has to prove to himself this is not Diluc and that he's being irrational. He opens the 'English to uwu language' translator and sets to work.
|Owl: Hewwo! My nwame iws Owl OwO|
If anyone asks him he chose the name on a whim because it resembles OwO so much - which is half true but the other part of the truth is that Diluc loves birds and birds remind Kaeya of him so he can't help being a sentimental fuck.
|Owl: I am vewy wonewy awnd uwu seem wike a good man qvq|
He clenches his phone in his hands, intently staring at the displayed green dot next to the pictureless profile and a name he takes in for the first time.
Falcon.
"Oh shit," he curses aloud for two exact reasons. First, he's going to look desperate because both of their names are bird based and his account is only a few hours old.
And the other, bigger reason is that he gets reminded of Diluc even more. Falcon . Of course.
Realistically speaking Diluc would never use such a username. He'd either use his real name for an only friends (not only fans , don’t even think about that) account or resort to a default username for any other form of social media, something that wouldn't give away a single drop of his personal information and wouldn't be recognisable as Diluc in any way.
A new message pops up.
|Falcon: Please stop typing like this, I can't understand what you're trying to say to me.|
Kaeya frowns.
|Owl: Sheesh, you're not experienced in being a daddy, are you?|
The next reply is almost instantaneous.
|Falcon: Daddy? I don't have children.|
Kayea snorts, flabbergasted completely, and sets to typing at light speed.
|Owl: Do you not know what it means to be someone's daddy???|
The three dots he receives as a response are practically drenched in disappointment, startling a laugh out of Kaeya. It's a reaction he'd expect out of Diluc too, he can practically see Diluc staring at his screen with a deadpan look that screams at Kaeya just how done his brother is with his shit.
The next message from Falcon makes Kaeya grin.
|Falcon: Do you have a daddy kink?|
|Owl: Yes daddy owo|
|Falcon: Don't call me that.|
And now he can perfectly visualise Diluc cringing.
|Owl: Why? Is daddy getting excited?|
Kaeya giggles, his fingers itching to start writing cringe dirty talk.
|Falcon: ...|
|Falcon: "Daddy" is contemplating blocking you.|
Oh fuck no, don't cut his entertainment short so quick!
|Owl: WAIT|
|Owl: DON'T|
|Owl: I'LL STOP|
The three dots that indicate a person is messaging you are taking too much time to appear and for a hot second Kaeya thinks it's over, he’s blocked, his entertainment gone, his Diluc-related thoughts uncleared and therefore staying there to bother him for the rest of eternity again , he has no bitches no maidens no horses- he'd check if he's actually been blocked by spamming crying memes but he doesn't want to annoy the guy into following through with his threat if by some miracle he hasn’t already.
Then the three wiggling dots finally appear and Kaeya is not admitting to anyone how stupidly relieved it makes him that this Diluc-like stranger is willing to talk to him.
God, he’s fucking insane.
|Falcon: You remind me of someone.|
Kaeya’s interest immediately piques.
|Owl: Oh?|
Is this dude someone Kaeya has met? Or is there another based individual with a charming personality parading about? For all he knows this Falcon dude could be from the other side of the world.
|Owl: To whomever this may concern…|
|Owl: They must be extremely hot and cool, just like me|
|Falcon: You truly are like him, just as annoying.|
Kaeya harrumphs in flabbergasted offence and immediately sets about complaining. The audacity of this stranger.
|Owl: Hey! I'm not annoying!|
|Falcon: The messages you've sent me beg to differ.|
|Owl: And they shall beg.|
|Owl: Because it's not true|
|Owl: This is a display of my galaxy brain intelligence for only intellectuals can speak and understand the sacred UwU language|
|Falcon: For archon's sake…|
|Falcon: You're just as effective at making me want to hit you as he is too.|
Kaeya can’t help snickering to himself in response. He wonders how much time it’ll take him before he can coax a death threat out of the guy. He wonders if the other guy has managed to get some from this Falcon dude. In which case, Kaeya has to get to know the Legend himself.
|Owl: Who is the "he" you keep mentioning?|
|Owl: I gotta congratulate the dude|
|Falcon: My brother.|
Here goes Kaeya’s mirth down the drain again. Not only does this guy remind him of Diluc, but now Kaeya reminds Falcon of his own brother???
|Owl: …|
|Owl: You know what's funny?|
|Owl: You remind me of my brother too|
|Owl: He's just as much of a killjoy as you|
For his next sentence, Kaeya’s fingers work under the command of his heart, typing away too fast for his rational brain to intervene before he sends a sentimental message that isn’t meant for anyone , let alone an online stranger he is trying to catfish.
|Owl: I love him nonetheless though, even if he hates me|
It’s true. What he says it's true but he wishes he’d never typed that out. It’s unlike him to be so sentimental unless he is so drunk he can barely remember himself and lets his carefully hidden feelings resurface. It doesn’t matter if Falcon doesn’t know who hides behind the screen, will most likely never know, it still makes Kaeya feel vulnerable. So he sets about deleting it almost immediately, but the three wiggling dots let him know he is too late already.
|Falcon: Why does your brother hate you?|
Kaeya switches on the defensive.
|Owl: Sorry for trauma dumping lol|
|Owl: It doesn’t really matter|
|Owl: It’s just silly|
Kayea tightly clutches his phone, intently staring at his screen. He waits for a response, praying the stranger doesn’t call him out on his bullshit as Diluc does but Falcon remains silent for too long.
The sudden ringing of his phone startles him badly. It displays Rosaria’s name on his screen alongside the picture of her shitfaced yet still somehow looking deadly and, dare he say, hot. They’ve had the competition of who manages to snap the worst pics of each other possible without being forced to delete them (usually Kaeya draws the short end of the stick) and that's his best attempt so far which is… plain sad. Meanwhile, her collection of weird Kaeya photos is enormous.
He pulls back on his cheerful persona over the raw self the Diluc-like stranger had managed to force on the surface and picks up the phone. “Well well well, look who decided to check on dear old me."
A dangerously amused voice flows through. "Just wanted to ask you how it's like having balls, since, you know, you're about to be castrated."
The promise catches Kaeya completely off guard. "What!? What did I do!?" he yelps, springing up from his bed.
“You were annoying.”
Kaeya grins and snorts. "You'll have to be more specific than that."
"At least you're self-aware." He can hear the grin in her voice. "I meant your horrible attempt at catfishing with your 'UwU language'"
He internally groans. Oh, that . Don’t tell him she’s already figured him out. "I have no idea what you're talking about," he denies, in his opinion, rather smoothly.
"Who do you take me for, Kaeya. I'm not Jean you can wrap around your fingers."
"Hey I do none of the wrapping around fingers, I always speak the absolute truth," he teasingly proclaims and sits back down
"You can feed your lies to someone else, I know you too well. Rather explain to me, why did you feel the need to make a," she pauses, disgust seeping out of her voice, " Discord kitten account and try catfishing people? Are you that bored?"
Kaeya pouts. The cat is out of the bag now. "This is so not fair, why are you so perceptive??? How the hell did you even figure it out so quickly!? And don't tell anyone else!"
The smirk is audible in her voice. "It was rather easy, actually. I messaged you on your main account, by the way, and you were offline for a suspicious amount of time yet you picked up your phone instantly when I called you. On top of that, you're definitely home alone and bored out of your mind so you'd respond to my messages instantly, especially because you hadn't ignored my call. Unless that suspicious account is you. And don't think you're slick just because the majority of invitations weren't sent from your account. I didn't even need to check your IP address."
Kaeya blankly stares. What else did he expect? "Seriously, why don't you work as a detective or something?"
"Tempting but too many laws restrictions."
Kaeya snorts and lies down, pulling a hand through his hair. "Yeah you wouldn't be able to freely dox people would you?"
"You're annoying. I'm really going to castrate you."
Kaeya laughs in unease. “Don’t be like Diluc,” he comments. He thought (or sure as hell hoped) she had put this behind them already. Rosaria is crazy enough to perform a forced vasectomy. And, well, Diluc is probably pissed enough at him that he'd do it as well.
He can practically hear her rolling her eyes. “Diluc would punch you at best when you’re being completely infuriating. He wouldn't be able to cope if he'd give his crush a forced erectile dysfunction."
Kaeya frowns, his voice losing all playfulness. “C’mon Rosaria, get serious,” he quietly replies. Usually, he'd listen to her words, she's smart and very perceptive, but between the two of them, Kaeya would like to believe he still knows Diluc best. Better than anyone else. And Diluc is nowhere near close to having a crush on him, he hates Kaeya.
She sighs like a tired mom who is about to repeat herself for the hundredth time yet her child is still incapable of comprehending her words. “I am serious. I think your issue is that you are both incapable of human communication so you should just fuck already to spare us all a headache and maybe finally both of you realize you’re idiots.”
Her words hurt. They hurt because he desperately wishes she was right. "Rosaria," he warns. She knows Diluc's relationship with him is always a sore spot of conversation so she tends to avoid the topic. Ironically it's often Kaeya the one to bring him up and he only ends up hurting himself in the process like he's some sort of a masochist.
She sighs again. "Talk to him, Kaeya. I'm saying this for your own good."
"I will," he lies. He won't. At least not in a way it would actually mean something or resolve their bitter past.
And she knows it. Knows it's a losing battle. "Well, I have to go help Barbara out, as much as I don't wanna. Take care," she replies.
Change of conversation. And an excuse to go cry in his bed if he wants to. God, he loves this woman. "See ya later, my loyal sidekick."
"I think you confused our roles a little, Kaeya. Who has to kowtow in front of the other?"
He instantly gets reminded of that humiliating picture she snapped of him doing just that. "Okay, shut the fuck up and go. Bye! Be gone, thot!"
He can hear her laughing before he manages to hang up on her, the cute drawing of a cat on his lock screen innocently staring at him. "You have no idea how much I wish you were right," he lowly murmurs and promptly bashes his head into a pillow with a groan.
Stupid Diluc, must he always occupy his thoughts? It's not enough that Kaeya has to pine over his adoptive brother - if Diluc even considers them brothers anymore, but the brother in question also has to hate his guts, huh?!
Not like Kaeya can blame him. He deserves Diluc's ire, perhaps, a little selfishly, he wants it if the alternative is indifference.
His phone pings, forcefully pulling him out of his Diluc spiral of thoughts. Who the hell is bothering him now in one of his sour moods!?
He angrily checks his phone and sees it's a Discord notification. From Falcon. The anger immediately dies down and gives way to desperation. Is it sad he wants to pretend it's Diluc paying attention to him?
|Falcon: You do this too.|
It's the only message that greets him and no matter how far he backreads he can't understand what Falcon means.
|Owl: Do what?|
|Falcon: Treat your problems like a joke. You try to make fun of a situation that negatively affects you. That’s not healthy. What do you have to lose by telling me the truth? I can’t tell your secrets to anyone, I don’t know you.|
Kaeya sharply inhales. Oh so it’s not enough that he gets called out by Rosaria, now this stranger that has known him for like half an hour can read him like an open book too!? In a Diluc way, nonetheless.
|Owl: Why would you even want to listen to some stranger's problems?|
|Falcon: Normally, I wouldn't. But I will admit, I don't have a good relationship with my brother either. Maybe I don't want to see others go the same way we had.|
|Falcon: Or maybe you remind me too much of him and I don't like it when he downplays his feelings. When he puts on fake smiles and teasing words to hide he's hurt.|
Kaeya laughs bitterly. Diluc can read him like this too and always scoffs at him for his false bravado. But it's not because he cares how Kaeya feels. He sure as hell wishes it was because of that but no, that period has long passed by and Kaeya doesn’t need no stranger to help him figure that one out.
|Owl: What happened?|
|Falcon: And now you're diverting attention…|
Is this guy serious? Can he stop reading him like an open book already!?
|Falcon: I'll tell you what happened but you have to tell me first.|
|Owl: What, you think I'll "divert attention" if you go first?|
|Falcon: Well, he would. So I have a feeling you would too.|
|Owl: Why does it matter? You can’t solve a half a decade old problem for me|
|Owl: Even if I tell you everything it’s not like I haven’t tried everything I could just to get him to look at me.|
|Falcon: This may sound selfish…|
|Falcon: Well, if we’re honest it is selfish…|
|Falcon: You remember I’ve told you you remind me of my brother a lot?|
Kaeya thinks he knows where this is going.
|Owl: Yes?|
|Falcon: Well, talking with you made me realise that perhaps if I talk with someone who thinks like him and also has issues with their own brother we may be able to mend our relationship. At least partially.|
With each read syllable, Kayea tightens his grip around his phone to the point his knuckles pale completely. A new sliver of hope makes its way inside his heart and Kaeya wants to crush it. He's tired of false hope that gets him nowhere.
But he can't help it. He'll take anything, anything to get Diluc back, to at least get back a friendship.
|Owl: Do you think that would help me too?|
|Falcon: I don’t know but it’s worth trying, isn’t it? What do we have to lose?|
|Owl: Dignity|
In his opinion, a lot more than just dignity. If people other than Rosaria ever figure out this is his account and the Falcon guy decides to leak their messages they'll get to know shit Kaeya tries so hard to hide. Everything ugly that makes him who he is. Everything people would shun him for.
|Falcon: You'd rather lose your brother over your dignity?|
He would never. He rather sees himself suffer to ensure Diluc's happiness. But above all, he'd like to get his brother back. He'll take as much as he can but he can't deny it to himself, he wants everything. Even things he had never had. The most intimate parts of him. All for him, only for him.
But alas, the reality is cruel, and dreams even cruller.
|Owl: It was a joke…|
|Falcon: Somehow I doubt it.|
|Owl: Okay fine, I was just half joking|
|Falcon: I’m not going to leak your messages if that is what you’re worried about. I don’t know you. On top of that, if I do it you could do it too.|
|Owl: Prove it. Say something incriminating.|
|Falcon: I haven’t committed any crimes.|
A startled laugh is torn out of Kaeya and he facepalms before setting to typing again.
|Owl: I meant a secret dumbass|
|Owl: It doesn’t need to be “I raped a kid” type of secret|
|Falcon: Don’t even joke about that, I would never.|
|Owl: Okay then what did you do?|
|Falcon: If I tell you, do you promise it stays between us?|
|Owl: I don’t know why you so readily trust an account of a stranger that was made like three hours ago but for what it's worth I promise|
Kaeya waits in anticipation, his nerves frying. It feels like an eternity before he receives a response.
|Falcon: I love someone I’m not supposed to.|
Kaeya’s expression drops in disappointment. “Are you kidding me,” he says to himself and sets to type it out too.
|Owl: Are you kidding|
|Owl: That’s the least incriminating thing ever|
|Owl: How would anyone know who you’re talking about if I’d show them these messages|
The three dots appear and disappear over and over. It looks like the guy is indecisive about what to type and what to say but Kaeya waits patiently.
|Falcon: I love my brother|
Kaeya’s world comes to a stop. If he would’ve been drinking anything he’d sure as hell spit it out in surprise and choke on the liquid. Instead, he chokes on his own saliva.
|Owl: What?|
|Owl: Love as in…|
|Falcon: Romantic.|
|Falcon: I love him romantically.|
|Falcon: One could argue it’s not that bad since he was adopted. What I personally find to be a bigger problem is that I am at fault for our falling out, to begin with.|
Just like Kaeya is at fault for falling out with Diluc. His heart horribly aches. Aches with the need to let it out, to spill all he has carefully pushed back into a corner in favour of keeping his composure. Aches to tell someone who will understand, who can help , aches so maybe, just maybe his wishes will be fulfilled and the ache will fade away, replaced by the happiness that had graced Kaeya when he was taken in to share his life with Diluc and his father. Before he can think it over the incriminating words are typed on his screen, sent to the stranger he barely knows for an hour yet feels like he understands him better than if he’d known him a lifetime.
|Owl: I love my brother too|
|Owl: Romantically|
|Owl: And well, I’m the adopted one in this broken family|
|Owl: And also the one at fault for falling out with him|
|Falcon: It seems like we have a lot in common too. What do you say about working together?|
|Owl: Anything to get my brother back|
The stranger echoes him.
|Falcon: Anything to get my brother back.|