Chapter Text
Obito panted to catch his breath as he jumped from one tree to another. He was on his way back to Konoha, with a few cuts and bruises.
The mission itself was really simple, escort this woman from Konoha to Mizugakure. Most of it was a breeze and the lady was normally quiet so he didn't have to fill the silence. However, as expected, a bunch of rouge ninjas attacked and he had to go into battle mode. They were weak so he finished them rather quickly and got the woman to her home. That was a total of five days.
He couldn't wait to go home and cook himself a warm meal. He wondered what Kakashi was doing at the moment.
He spotted the gates of Konoha getting closer and picked his pace. He was exhausted and wanted rest as quickly as possible. He entered the village and walked to his home. It was an uneventful walk.
Two months after the Kannabi bridge, when he showed up from Madara's cave all trussed up and half plant matter, Minato-Sensei ordered him to stay with Kakashi so he could monitor him and act as he sees appropriate if anything abnormal were to happen. It was the only way to get the council and ANBU to leave him alone. Obito objected at first but as time and years went on, the presence of another in his house grew on him, and he had come to the realization that bickering with Kakashi was way better than coming to a cold, dark apartment, greeted by loneliness, just like how he imagined his adulthood as a kid.
Speaking of which, his house was dark, no lights coming from the window. It was strange. Kakashi didn't have any missions this week as far as he knew and he usually left all the lights on, in every single room, a habit he and Obito fought over dozens of times.
Obito fiddled with his keys and opened the door, turning the lights on and grimacing at the aweful stench, the familiar stench. Blood. Something dark pooled in the pit of his stomach and his heartbeat sped up. He hoped with all he had that it was just his imagination.
"Kakashi!" He shouted, "Kakashi, where are you?!"
He couldn't shake the bad aura that seemed to engulf him. He opened the door to Kakashi's room, turning on the light but found nothing but a messy bed. He looked in his room, the living room and the kitchen, but Kakashi was still nowhere in sight. He was desperate when he opened the bathroom door, praying that Kakashi just slept in the bathtub like he sometimes did.
No. He didn't, couldn't.
He-he couldn't have done that. There's no way.
Obito stared at the disaster in front of him, unable to pry his eyes. He fell to his knees in a state of total shock. He didn't know what to do. Everything in the world slowed down. Time stopped moving in this foresaken room.
In the bathtub Kakashi lied, limp and unmoving. The tub was filled to the surface with water and some of it dripped on the tile. The water was a sickly shade of bright red, a rude contrast compared to Kakashi's pale skin. Both of his wrists had three deep slits in them. The blood kept pouring generously. One hand was out of the tub, pouring dark crimson onto the floor. He was submerged up to his torso in his own blood.
Food threatened to come out of Obito's throat as he stared at his dying friend. The panic was pushed to the back of his mind and he couldn't feel his own breathing. He stared for a long while. It felt as if he was not aware of his own body. The tears pouring out his face were not his own. He was merely a watcher. He was on autopilot. Everything just unfolded in front of him.
Then something clicked in him and he snapped back to reality. The panic came back at full force. He quickly got up and ran to Kakashi's side, shaking him violently.
"Kakashi! Kakashi! Please wake up! Are you alive?! Can you hear me?! Please say something."
His pulse! He had to check his pulse! He hastily put two fingers on Kakashi's neck, feeling any signs of blood pulsating. It was faint but it was there. He was still alive. Obito could still save him. He sent a silent thank you and picked Kakashi up bridal style.
Without thinking, his shaking arms carried Kakashi up and dashed out of the bathroom then out of the apartment. The blood pumping to his brain was so loud that it could split his head in half, but he didn't care. He ran down the steps. He ran across the streets, only praying that he would make it in time. His clothes were soaked in Kakashi's blood. He bet the streets were a mess, too.
"Please, it's an emergency! Help him!" He gasped to the receptionist in the hospital. She was stunned for a moment, but before he could yell back, she gestured and nurses rushed in to take Kakashi out of him. He wanted to follow them, but he had to stay and fill out the information.
He watched as they rushed him in to the emergency section upstairs, screaming orders here and there.
Obito leaned his head against the cold, hard walls of the hospital. His back and neck hurt from the uncomfortable chair. He must've been functioning on pure adrenaline when he carried Kakashi literally across the village because he was exhausted down to his bones and couldn't move a muscle. He wanted to sleep so badly but sleep just won't reach him.
He still didn't understand what just happened. It was totally out of the blue. He knew Kakashi was struggling, always had been. His mental health was just declining over the years and Obito always made sure that Kakashi knew he was available if he needed anything. He knew that his father's death, his comrades' death and the trauma of being a Shinobi altogether took a toll on Kakashi's soft heart. Still, he didn't expect this. Kakashi didn't show any signs of being depressed in the past few weeks. In fact, Obito thought that he was getting better. He was more cheerful and easygoing than he ever had been. He showed up to every recent social occasion and spent more time with his friends and loved ones. Could this be his way of saying goodbye?
If he was feeling this bad, why didn't he talk to someone? Obito was there 24/7. Didn't it ever cross Kakashi's mind to talk to him? Or maybe Minato-Sensei, or Rin? or anyone actually! Anything. Anything was better than this. He didn't see any red flags for Kakashi's mental health. He even stopped having mental break downs in the bathroom.
The doctor came from Kakashi's room and Obito's head snapped to her direction. Her soulmen expression didn't comfort him.
"H-how is he doing, doc?"
She took a moment to adjust her clothes and clear her throat before speaking. "For now, he's stable."
He let a breath of relief. His shoulders relaxed.
"But," They tensed again. "The damage he had done to himself is massive at best, disabling at worst."
"Wh... what do you mean?"
"Uchiha-san, Hatake-san had been bleeding for at least three to four hours. He lost about three quarters of his blood supply. It's a miracle that we were able to keep him alive."
"And what would happen to him, now?" Obito was afraid to know the answer.
"For starters, there would be no Ninja duty for at least six months. That is both for his mental and physical health. Mentally unstable Shinobi can't be on the field. We supplied him with outside blood but it would still take time to get back to normal blood levels. His blood sugar and pressure would sure be affected. There's also a good chance he'll be suffering from anemia." The doctor eyed Obito's disheveled state. "You with me, Uchiha-san?"
"Y-yeah, yeah, I'm right here. You were saying?"
"Yes, as I was saying, the cuts he inflicted on himself were a tad too deep that they went through his muscles and grazed his nerves. We were able to to stitch them back, but expect violent tremors and extremely shaky hands in the near future."
"How long will this shakiness last?"
She gave him a sharp look, one full of pity. "They will get better with time, but I'm not sure if they'll ever go away completely. I'm afraid his hands will never be the same ever again."
"You can't be serious! This might end his ninja career!"
"Yes, I'm aware, but you must know that Hatake-san chose to do this to himself."
"When will he wake up?"
"In a couple of hours I'd say. I'll leave you be for now. You can wait inside the room if you want."
Inside the room, Obito slumped down the uncomfortable bedside chair and stared at the sickly pale face of Kakashi. They had been operating on him for hours. It was around dawn by now.
His face was hollow and cheeks were sunken. The bags under his eyes got darker. Obito scoffed to himself. He didn't know Kakashi could get anymore tired. He functioned on energy drinks and a couple hours of sleep. Yet here he was, more exhausted and fatigued than ever. The area from his forearms to his palms were wrapped tightly in bandages. Obito wondered what lied behind them. He didn't want to see. A sleeping mask was attached to his face and a lot of IV needles were poked into his arms. A heart monitor had its sensors in his chest, beeping rhythmically yet still a lot slower than normal.
Obito wished he could say Kakashi looked peaceful in the hospital gown, unconscious and unaware. Instead, he looked dead, and it bothered Obito how close to it he was. He was in pain.
He groaned and blinked multiple times to adjust to the harsh light. His eyes felt like heavy lead, and no matter how hard he blinked, they never got lighter. There was sharp pain pulsating steadily throughout his entire head. It made him want to split his head in half. He felt suffocated, as if not enough oxygen was getting through to his lungs.
He was worn out, drained of all energy down to his bones. Yet he knew he had to get up. He had to ignore the the pain that flowed from his wrists and down the rest of his body. He gathered what little will he had and drew in a sharp breath, getting up with the best of his abilities.
Kakashi's body tensed when he recognized his surroundings. His heart tightned in his chest. He didn't know if it was from was fear or sadness. Not that it made much difference. He was in the hospital of Konoha. From the windows he could tell that it was early morning. The sun was shining brightly yet the hospital's flourecent lights stayed on. There was nothing out of the usual except....Obito.
Obito! Why was Obito there?! Why was Kakashi there in the first place? Memories of the night before hit his head like a truck. The last thing he remembered was sitting in the bathtub waiting for... Did he pass out at some point? Did Obito save him from it?
...Oh, fuck.
He took the breathing mask off his face. His face was bare. He didn't want anyone to see his face, not even Obito. The thought that the doctors saw it made him uncomfortable. He spotted a surgical mask on the bedside table and wore it over his face. Not ideal but better than nothing. He jerked the needles stuck to his arms and sensor clasped to his chest.
He swung his legs to the ground and tried to get off the bed. He mustured up his strength and stood up. His legs were shaky but he was- BANG!
He clashed into the metal table and then collided with the hard, cold floor. His whole body was in pain and he couldn't move a muscle. Warm blood trickled down his forehead.
Obito jerked awake when he heard a loud crash near him. His eyes scanned over the room frantically, looking for any signs of danger. He locked eyes with Kakashi who was sprawled out on the floor, beneath the fallen table, blood dripping down his head and frustration in his eyes due to his inability to get up.
"Holy shit, Kakashi! Are you okay?!" He yelled, concerned and alarmed. He hurriedly rushed to Kakashi's side and removed the metal table from above him. He grabbed Kakashi's arm gently and wrapped it around his neck then half carried Kakashi back to the bed, careful not to press on his injuries.
"Are you okay?" Kakashi nodded. "What the hell were you doing?"
"Nothing," Kakashi said. "I was just trying to get up."
"And what happened, then?"
"I don't know... I just- my vision suddenly got black and everything around me was spinning. I couldn't stand on my own feet."
Obito sat on the bed next to Kakashi. He looked at the white haired man with eyes so complex that even he couldn't decipher them. Kakashi decided that this look didn't suit Obito at all.
"How are you feeling, Kakashi?" He spoke in the most monotone voice ever.
Kakashi's voice couldn't help but shake and waver. "I'm...tired."
"Do you know what happened?"
He looked down at the floor. "...yeah."
"Why?" This time Obito's voice shook and Kakashi could tell he was holding emotions, so much emotions. He didn't know how to answer. Obito wouldn't understand. Whatever he'd say, Obito wouldn't understand.
He looked into Obito's eyes again. His fists were clenching. His brows were quavering. His tightned jaw and narrowed eyes told everything about him. He might've looked angry, but Kakashi knew better. He was devastated, hopeless. This was what Obito did when he was helpless. The emotion he was holding onto wasn't anger. It was devastation, hopelessness. Kakashi could already see all the tears that wouldn't spill in front of him.
"Why didn't you s-say h-how bad it was?"
This took Kakashi by surprise. His eyebrows raised if just a bit. "You wouldn't have understood."
"Really, Kakashi? After all these years?"
"You don't know how hard it is."
Obito took hold of both of Kakashi's shoulders. Tears glistened in his eyes and fell down his face. He was utterly and completely heartbroken. Kakashi's stomach twisted at the sight. His hands tightened around the shoulders and he shook them hardly, not caring that Kakashi just woke up from a coma. "How do you expect me to know if you don't tell me huh?! How would I have known?! My Sharingan doesn't let me read your damn brain, damn it! Why didn't you reach out first? God damnit! God damnit! Why, you stupid idiot? Fuck you! Fuck you! "
Tears were streaming freely down Obito's face. His hands almost tore Kakashi's shoulders. He was wailing so loudly that his words became incomprehensible. It took Kakashi a moment to realize that he, too, had begun crying in silence. Obito leaned his forehead into one of Kakashi's shoulders. His tears fell harder than before when he spoke, calmer this time. "You have no idea what you put me through. I-I thought I lost you. I thought you left me... forever."
"I'm sorry."
"You were there in the bathtub. There was so much blood coming out of you. I... I didn't think it was real. I still don't know if it's real. I don't think I'll ever be able to take a shower there again." He gave a watery laugh.
Kakashi pulled away. He looked away from Obito's then spoke, "Close your eyes, Obito. I don't want you to see me like this."
He tried to hide his face in his hands. Obito stopped him midway. "Like what, Kakashi? Weak and vulnerable? You're seeing me like this. I think it's only fair if you let me see you."
"I'm so weak. I know it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry you had to waste your time and tears over me. I didn't mean to break your heart."
"Do you...do you regret it?"
"In all honesty, no. I'd rather be dead than have this conversation."
"I...see."
He reluctantly let go of Kakashi's hands. His arms reached out almost as if for a hug, but shied away again. His expression was unreadable but his eyes glossed with heaviness. They were so cold, so harsh. Kakashi's body tensed from anticipation. He was afraid what Obito would say next.
But the Uchiha said nothing. Instead he got up and headed to the door.
"Where are you going?" Kakashi's voice asked quietly. His heart pounded in his chest.
Hands lingering on the door knob, Obito spoke quietly. "I'm sorry, Kakashi. I can't do this. I can't be here. I need time. You don't even trust me."
Kakashi's tears didn't stop. His shaky hands reached out in despair. "Com-come back! Don't you dare leave me here! You can't just leave me here like that!"
"You almost did the same thing." He opened the door. "I'm sorry."
The days in the hospital passed in a gray blur for Kakashi. Uneventful, boring days blended together until he couldn't tell them apart. People had heard of "the accident", however, no one really visited him. They all collectively agreed to send him get well soon cards. As if that would help. No one visited him except Rin and Gai, and Minato-Sensei and Kushina checking over him every now and then.
He didn't remember much of Rin's visit. She was fidgety and awkward, always stuttering to fill in the silence. Her eyes looked anywhere but his. He had a hunch that she felt guilty about his suicide attempt. He didn't understand why. It had nothing to do with her. This is probably why his friends avoided him too. They felt as if it were their fault, but it wasn't. It was Kakashi's own choice.
He would never admit it but Gai's visit was a nice break in the hospital's mundane routine. Gai always brought a colorful aura in his presence. He knocked on the door in the middle of Kakashi's contemplation of life but entered without any further warnings.
"Kakashi! My eternal, youthful, rival!" He had said, smiling as brightly as the sun of Suna in June. "How are you doing, my friend?"
Kakashi just looked at him. "As good as a suicide survivor."
Gai's smile didn't waver but his brows just dropped a tiny bit down. "I'll take whatever I can get. As long as you're here, it's okay."
Kakashi liked the sound of that. Someone who had no expectations of him.
"Oh," Gai reached into the bag swung over his shoulders and took out a nicely wrapped box. "I brought you your favorite Teriyaki chicken. I figured since Obito isn't around and you probably wouldn't be in the mood to cook, you'd like some of these."
Obito wasn't home? Where would he be? The Uchiha compound? Kakashi straightened his back and gave guy his full attention. "Why wouldn't Obito be home?"
"You don't know?" Gai said. "I thought you'd be the person to know about that."
"No, I don't. He didn't tell me. What happened?"
"Uhm... The day after your attempt, he gathered all of his stuff and requested to be off duty for a while. He said he'd stay in Ami for a while, had a business to finish there. I don't think that's true."
Kakashi's world shattered. Something cold and hard stabbed his cracked heart. Obito left. He probably wouldn't come back and even if he did, he highly doubted he'd want to stay with Kakashi ever again. Kakashi would have to stay in a cold, lonely apartment, again, all by himself.
He must've looked very bitter about it because Gai's expression changed to one of paranoia. Words quickly flew out of his mouth, "I-I'm sorry, Kakashi! I didn't know you didn't know!"
"Maa, it's fine." He rested his back on the headboard and looked out of the window at the setting sun. He would be released in a couple days. "He left because of me anyway."
"Huh, why?"
"He was angry because I tried to kill myself. Something something about broken trust. Well, it's too late now, isn't it?"
"Stop it." He turned to Gai, confused. "Stop acting like you don't care. We both know that it's eating you up inside. Look what denying has lead you to."
"It's not too late, Kakashi. It's not your duty to bring him back, but I know you care. I know you care about him. He'll come back again, I promise. You still have time."
He laughed a bitter laugh, eyes so full of fake cheerfulness, "Look at this. I can't even keep my hands from shaking and you're asking me to keep our relationship from falling apart?"
Gai sighed a sigh of defeat. He stood up from his seat and spoke in a steady yet caring voice, "I know nothing I'll say will ever really change your mind. But just know that you still have another chance, at life, at your career, at Obito. You still have another chance at everything. Don't waste it." With that he left.
Kakashi's night was long and silent.
He stumbled across the busy streets. His cane was more of a handicap than help at such a time of the day. His balance was shaken up and he was still getting used to his wobbly wrists. Damnit! They couldn't even hold the cane properly. He was practically grinding his palms on the handle to keep stable while walking.
Wherever he walked, people stared and whispered. His suicide must've become national news. The thought brought back unpleasant memories.
"Poor boy," They whispered. "He's become like his father,"
"Like father, like son."
"What did you expect from him, anyway?"
He tried to ignore them. He tried to pick up his pace, to avoid looking at their faces. But they were everywhere. Everywhere he looked, someone looked at him like they did at his father.
Disappointment
hate
loathing
pity...
It was everywhere. He could barely breathe. Why wouldn't they stop looking at him? Their eyes-
He slammed the door of his apartment building and sighed a heavy sigh. He walked up the steps. Slowly, yet surely, he made it to his apartment. His unsteady hands fumbled around with the keys until he opened the door. He entered and closed it behind him.
His body shivered from the eerie atmosphere. Something unpleasant raised in his stomach. He turned the lights on and went to the bathroom to wash his face.
He stood in the doorframe, unable to take a step forward. The sharp, strong stench reeking from the bathtub made him want to throw up. The sight wasn't much better. He would've thought the bathroom was haunted if he didn't know better.
Dried streaks of blood and red spots were splattered all over the tub. He could see the trail that extended from the bathroom all the way down the hall of his own blood. The trail he left behind when Obito was carrying him. The stillness of the bloody water that nobody bothered to drain was mocking him, reminding him of his own failure at taking his own life. Is this what Obito had to see when he returned from his mission? He suddenly didn't blame Obito for leaving.
He drained the tub, washed his face and locked the bathroom door. Cleaning could wait for now.
He spent the rest of his day in complete silence. Nobody bothered to visit him and he was grateful for that. When he was all alone, surrounded by darkness in his bed, he wanted to reach out for the knife again. He just didn't want to disappoint those who cared about him another time. He didn't want to fuck it up again.
Maybe, in a perfect world, he'd be able to actually do it. But perhaps in a perfect world he wouldn't want to die. He didn't know. He didn't care. All the lines were blurry.
He woke up to the sound of sizzling fire and delicious smell. He was instantly alarmed. He was all alone for two weeks. Who had decided to intrude his property? And how didn't he notice?
With the stealth of a Shinobi, he got off the bed with a Kunai in his shaky hands. He wasn't in a condition for a fight but he could definitely defend himself if needed. He crept out to the kitchen.
His kunai dropped at the entrance of the kitchen. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Obito was standing there, right there.