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“I was opposed from the beginning, you know. To this silly balancing business...”
“I... can't see where you're going with this.”
“This Death Game must be a holy event. Everyone must be given a fair chance... a way to survive. In other words... The victory rates... had to be made equal.”
“You see, miss Sara... When you have an ally... you're weaker.”
***
***
***
12 April, 2012
Today I told Shin that I wanted to measure him. His response was to stand there stammering, which was not a “no,” so I pulled out my tape and told him to stand still.
Shin wears a funny face when he’s startled. His eyes get very large and his cheeks turn rosy. He also has a tendency to shiver. Shaky limbs, trembling lips. He’s like a little aspen leaf. I don’t think his school uniform is warm enough for him. I gave him my scarf on the first day we met and told him not to worry if it broke uniform guidelines. He sure does worry a lot. About anything and everything. Since I asked him if he wanted to be friends, he obviously worries about disappointing me every time he speaks.
Oh Shin, if only you knew. How deeply disappointed I am.
I don’t want a handicap. It’s a stupid rule. Shouldn’t everyone be allowed to give their all? And doesn’t everyone include me? The Death Game simulations, which took ages to program, say that I am the strongest candidate, followed by miss Chidouin, followed by Kurumada, followed by Shinogi, and why shouldn’t we be? Why shouldn’t this Death Game be a true battle of wits between devious titans? Is that not beautiful to imagine? To use every trick and tool in your arsenal and fight with all you’ve got? Is that not what it means to live? To thrive? Why should we not be allowed to thrive? Why should I not be allowed to live?
Well. The silly balancing business was not Shin’s idea. Heh, I’m not sure yet if he’s even capable of voicing new ideas. In the two weeks we’ve known each other, he always defers to me. He has a long way to go to reach 5.89%.
So I do not blame him. I am not disappointed in him, specifically.
It is not Shin’s fault that he is my designated handicap.
Anyway! I measured him.
He is 160 centimeters and 45 kilograms.
***
30 July, 2012
Today I told Shin that I wanted us to go running together. It’s healthy to exercise! Good for all humans! Even during summer vacation, you can’t just give it up! I planned a jogging course that took us three times around our block, down the street for a kilometer to the mall where I promised him we’d buy a new videogame, back up the street and around the block two more times, and finally up the stairs to my apartment.
Shin made it around the block one and a half times before he collapsed. I absolutely could not convince him to run any further, even when I threw a new Gundam toy into the deal. So we walked back home. His legs were shaking so much that I had to hold his waist to keep him from tripping. Even then we still had to take breaks.
In the end I was so frustrated that I picked him up and carried him to his chair. He is very light, after all. Even with my attempts to improve his diet, he remains a frail and sensitive boy. I’m afraid there’s nothing to be done on this point.
It’s fine. Physical strength is hardly that important in the Death Game. I was hoping to knock him up a few decimal points this way, but it’s fine.
Shin made an adorable noise when I picked him up. I can’t describe it perfectly in words. I’ll have to pick it up on audio later. I don’t think the Death Game simulations have properly accounted for how cute he is. It’s simply unbelievable that his fellow participants would hate him that much when he’s objectively pretty! Maybe I can eek in decimal points that way instead. We’ll raise his percentage one way or another.
I admit I’m getting impatient with him. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate seeing my own percentage dive down but at least it’s moving where it’s supposed to go. But Shin keeps hovering around zero.
Last night, I watched twelve simulations in a row where he sacrificed himself for me.
I assumed it must be a fluke. A cute coincidence. Lucky streak for me in the middle of a difficult night, I’ll say.
In one of those simulations, he died because he was too slow to escape an Obstructor, but he successfully distracted it from hurting me. That’s why I suggested we go for a run today.
I keep remembering Shin’s face in that simulation, right before he died. The way he smiled at me. It was a perfect Shin smile, just like the ones I’ve photographed. Then the way his smile melted into horror. And the way the Obstructor tore his face apart while he was reaching for me.
It was the most beautiful, heartbreaking scene I’ve ever witnessed. I kept replaying it in my head when I was running today. Shin, I did try to make you faster! I put in an honest effort. It’s almost like you want to die. You make my job very difficult, Shin. I’m not getting any sleep tonight, Shin, because I’m working overtime trying to balance the numbers. You make the math so difficult by being so slow and gullible.
Multiply zero by anything and you’re still stuck with zero!
The other Shin-face in my head is the way Shin looked at me after I picked him up. He was frightened, like he generally is when I suddenly touch him. I’ve never harmed him in this world so it’s an illogical fear. I only ever do things to help him. He’s already told me I’m his best friend so he ought to be more used to me by now.
But then, wonder of wonders, he smiled at me? Shin is such a funny boy to move from fear to devotion so quickly. He interpreted my frustration as affection. And he was grateful to me for the gesture.
I’m glad I didn’t have to carry him far before dumping him in his chair. I might not have looked as cool in his eyes if he saw me get tired. I don’t think he’s ever seen me tired. I don’t intend for him to.
“Hiyori? Are you mad at me?” Shin asked in that sweet voice he has. It’s very difficult to stay mad at him when he speaks so sweetly like that.
“What gave you that idea, silly Shin? Let’s get back to work,” I said.
“Can we still play videogames later…?” he asked me, in spite of how he had failed my training exercise already. He hadn’t done anything to deserve a reward.
Except, I suppose, die for me twelve times last night.
I said “Maybe!” and told him to solve the coding puzzles I made for him first.
Mental strength is what matters most in the Death Game. Shin lacks so much in so many areas but he is smart . If I can build on that, I can create a winner.
***
1 January, 2013
I measured Shin again today. He is 163 centimeters tall and 50 kilograms.
He was happy to be gaining weight. He has a very sensitive stomach and I’ve struggled to accommodate his needs, but I’ve found some soup recipes he likes.
It’s important to be in good shape during the Death Game. He does not need to be a professional baseball player, but he’s fainted twice now in the time I’ve known him. And I’ve watched him faint hundreds of times in the simulations. That’s no good for his chances.
Or mine.
I don’t want a handicap. This is hell.
I’ve been listening to one particular simulation on repeat where Shin and I are trying to win with the Sacrifice Card. I am pretending to have the Sage Card, and Shin is pretending to be my Keymaster. I am doing most of the work here, obviously. Shin’s role should not be difficult. He only has to follow my lead.
But then he faints! And everything falls apart. Miss Sara deduces that I have the Sacrifice, and then I die. It’s not fair. It’s Shin’s fault.
I know it’s not productive to dwell on negative thoughts, but I would be faring better in these simulations with even Gin Ibushi as a partner. At least that little boy can bite.
Shin peeked around his computer screen to ask me what music I was listening to. He said it would be fun if I played it out loud. He said he’d like to learn what type of music I enjoy.
I glared at him. He didn’t ask me again.
Shin still wanted to do something to celebrate the new year after we were done working, so I put on a horror movie. Shin haaaaates horror movies. But I like them. I like watching Shin watch horror movies.
He got so scared that he tried to excuse himself but I whined about him leaving me alooone, and so he stayed. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, which made him shiver, but then the girl on screen lost her head and all poor Shin could do was cuddle close to me. Suddenly my touch felt much nicer to him! The rest of the world is much scarier than me, Shin!
Shin buried his face in my shirt and I could tell he’d get it dirty with his tears, so I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at the screen.
“It’s just a movie, Shin! They’re not real!”
“Hiyori!” He cried stupidly.
“Nobody is actually getting hurt! That’s why it’s fun! Don’t you understand that?”
Shin sobbed.
“It’s not real!” I repeated. “It’s harmless! It’s fun! Say it’s fun, Shin. It’s my favorite thing. You wanted to enjoy my favorite things with me.”
Shin tried to speak while I was squishing his mouth. He looked pretty funny. I should have taken a picture but I was merciful and let him go.
“Y-you’re hurting me,” was all Shin said.
“What?” I laughed. “Touching your face is hurting you? Is that what you think hurting is?”
“No—I—I’m sorry,” Shin said.
I grabbed Shin’s shoulders and pushed him down on the couch so I was on top of him. Shin’s eyes were big circles now.
“Ahh—aahh—ahaha!” Shin broke through his terror into peals of hysterical laughter. “Wha—what are you doing, Hiyori?”
I tightened my knees around his hips and dug my fingernails into his shoulders, making him whimper. Still, even shivering and helpless, he tried to smile.
“Are you pretending to be the movie monster?” He whispered.
I leaned down closer, closer to his pathetic face, feeling him squirm beneath me, but not strong enough to escape. Not nearly strong enough.
“I’ll kill you,” I breathed into his ear. Then I smiled, grazing his skin with my teeth.
Shin remained surprisingly still after that. I lifted my head back up so I could watch his face again—a unique Shin-blend of stunned and tired. His chest rose and fell, but his sobs had subsided. On the movie screen across the room, children were screaming in a harmony, filling the silent room.
“I-I get it now,” Shin finally said. “It’s just pretend. It’s fun.” He managed to smile again. “Nobody here is going to get hurt.”
I cooed and raised one of my hands to run my fingers through his hair. Then I lowered my voice. “Are you sure about that, Shin?”
Shin took a minute to answer. “Yes,” he said. “I trust you, Hiyori.”
He looked entranced. I had pushed him past his limits, but now that he was on the other side, he put a leap of faith in me. His only way of dealing with his fear was to trust me, his best friend.
I stroke his cheek and wiped his tears with my thumb. Shin opened his mouth slightly and made a small, high croak.
I just had a thought—I wonder if he wanted me to kiss him. I didn’t make that connection at the time. Ah well.
At the time, I only wanted to stare at him. I wished I could stay here, trapping him under me, with him staring back at me, forever.
I know it’s wrong of me to blame him… Shin may be weak but he has never, ever, in any world, ever betrayed me of his own free will. No matter how frightened he is, he always puts his trust in me. In every game.
If Shin can trust me based on nothing, I should be able to trust him based on a 100 percent successful test run across thousands of worlds.
We watched the rest of the film lying on the couch together, with my chin on his shoulder and my arms wrapped around his waist. Shin fell asleep before the ending. Even without watching his face, I could feel his breathing slow down. Somehow, he put his terror to rest and made himself comfortable with me.
Being Shin’s partner in this game is a roller coaster, but logically I know I must do the same.
It is a nice feeling to own something so mathematically certain as Shin Tsukimi.