Work Text:
It’s on a boring day off, with no idol work and no pressing school work needing to be taken care of, that Nazuna Nito finds himself in charge of Mademoiselle temporarily. Mademoiselle, Shu Itsuki’s most prized possession, rarely seen anywhere but in his hands or sitting somewhere nearby the man himself.
Now sitting on Nazuna’s desk, surrounded by school textbooks and rabbit paraphernalia.
This sort of situation isn’t one he’d really ever had the imagination to consider. Shu never left her behind unless he had too, and certainly didn’t leave with other people too often. But there've been certain incidents lately involving a roommate and a new kitten, and Nazuna’s been on the receiving end of some very choice words about a cat that was barely four months old. One thing leads to another, and with Nazuna being on good terms with him again, and very little options remaining… Shu leaves the doll in his care for one afternoon.
On one hand, this is a huge sign of trust Shu has given him. The amount of people he lets even hold her is very limited. So getting to take care of her for a bit, with no supervision? It’s almost a miracle he has that level of comfort and trust in Nazuna. Yet on the other hand, Nazuna can’t feel anything but a slight unease as he stares at the impeccably dressed doll sitting so carefully on his desk. His cheek presses uncomfortably into the wood, face mere inches away as he scrutinizes her.
Babysitting a doll definitely isn't one of his preferred past times. But he didn’t want to say no to his friend, and the way Mika was staring at him the entire time made it easy to see it would score him serious reputation points, so. He went for it.
He sighs as his fingertips reach forward to touch the edge of her dress carefully. Her eyes look back into his almost perfectly. Blank as a doll's eyes can be, blank as he was once able to make his own. She truly was beautiful, no doubt thanks to the never ending care given to her by Shu.
She sits carefully, held up by a stack of books he hurriedly piled behind her when she fell backwards not even five minutes after Shu handed her over to him. He’s seriously lucky she didn’t get damaged, but now he doesn’t really have the heart to disturb her in case he somehow pushes that luck too far. It’s not like he has to actually pay attention to her anyways.
Just making sure she’s safe and not broken every once in a while should be fine.
(He sat down with her once, when Shu was in a rush and needed something mid-fitting. Knees bent as he stared at her sitting on her perch in the clubroom, pinned and half-sewn fabric bunching around his ankles.
She creeped him out at first, honestly. But she wasn’t the same back then. Not yet Shu’s lifeline and mouthpiece, no personality or voice. She was something he adored, given even more love and attention than he was at times. Perfectly made up, perfectly silent as she moved only to Shu’s whims. Frozen in time when she wasn’t being carried or moved. Lips parting silently, Nazuna wonders if he was more like that…
…Would Shu cherish and love him deeper than he already did?)
That sentiment is abandoned pretty quickly it seems, as Nazuna permanently sat himself at his desk, staring at her for what was probably not a normal amount of time. There’s nothing but the hum of the A/C unit in the room to fill the silence. The one, or rather two, occupants do nothing to fill the silence for quite a while.
“What am I even supposed to do with you, huh?” Nazuna mumbles as he looks up at her, eyebrows furrowing. He breaks the strange static that had seemed to envelope him and his surroundings.
It’s strange how he’s gotten so used to ‘her’ replying. Not that he ever really talked to her… It always felt wrong too, even if he couldn’t realize why. But that didn’t change the fact he was still almost half-expecting that terrible falsetto of Shu’s to ring out any second as he stares at her. He feels a palpable sting of confusion as she remains silent. Unmoving as always, when she’s not in Shu’s hands.
His fingers continue to pinch her dress mindlessly. It’s actually one he hasn’t seen on her yet, and the fabric is fresh and crisp under his fingertips. Summery, light. Brand new then. Probably matching a new shirt or button-up that Shu had gotten. He’s curious about what his part of the set looks like. What he was wearing was for the job he had today, but there’s no doubt a matching outfit stored in his closet…
He feels a slight pang of jealousy. But it’s gone just as it appeared, an emotion he has no use for when it comes to that guy in particular. Really, he’s sure if he asked him, Shu would sew him an entirely new wardrobe. The thought brings a slight smile on his face as he looks at her. Ah, if they were to have matching outfits someday, would Mademoiselle get one as well? It’s a funny thought, but he finds he doesn’t mind it all that much. Not as much as it would have, back then.
“What does Itsuki even do with you in downtime, anyways… Just let you sit and enjoy the views?” There’s amusement in his tone as he says it. He’s not planning on treating her like Shu does, after all, but the idea of packing her along for a trip came along scarily natural after all this time.
But he was given her because of the trust he wouldn’t do anything to dirty or break her, so it’s abandoned pretty quickly. Even if the idea of taking a selfie with her somewhere that would give Shu a heart attack is very tempting. Imagining how badly he would freak out sweetens the daydream even more, especially since he knows he’s one of the few people who could get away with giving him that sort of panic just for fun. Granted that Mademoiselle was taken care of in the end.
…
Thinking about all of this was doing nothing for him. Maybe he should just get some homework done early at this rate instead.
(This is how he knows he’s gone too deep. Too far into the role Shu had given and asked of him. While Nazuna protested last year against it, and still finds doses of rebellion in his tardiness and insistence on smaller things remaining in his control, he’s become the doll Shu surely wanted him to be.
His eyes drift over to Mademoiselle, secured so gently in Shu’s hold as he continues talking to some of the staff around them. Mika was talking to him aimlessly as they waited in the background together, tasked with nothing but awaiting for their strings to be pulled. He wished he could focus on what his companion was saying, or even the surroundings around him. Not her. Focusing on her always leads to terrible thoughts, to doubts.
Something begins to stir in his gut as the stage lights reflect harshly off her pale skin. He feels conscious of her long curled hair, a shade similar to his own. The delicate curves of her face that he mimics so closely, only ruined by his need for human functionality. The dress she wears is similar to drafts he’d seen for his own stage pieces, before being scrapped for something more androgynous.
Most of all, there's a burning lump of fear when he sees her eyes, blue and bright and empty. So unlike the blood red that sits in his own eyes, congealed and disgustingly sticky with all the emotions he’s never been able to stamp out no matter how hard he tries. A testament to what flows under his unfixable and not porcelain skin.
He’ll never admit to himself, or others, how he envies her for these traits. But the feeling is all-consuming. He was happy here, but there’s no doubt he’d be happier if he could sculpt himself in her image a bit closely. The image of a doll. A perfect one, with no need for anything but its master.
His breath stutters, and he can only hope Mika didn’t notice.
When has she never been superior to him? When had he begun to see her lack of humanity something to envy so deeply?)
Nazuna eventually does sit up and pull out his notebooks for class, highlighting and pouring over notes he took earlier in the week. It’s tedious and hard. Far harder than high school especially. He’s never claimed to be a genius or smart to begin with, so he’ll easily admit that this is often more of a chore than it might be for some of his peers.
He gets a brief flash of the image of Shu studying, and his eyes peek back up at Mademoiselle. She’s probably seen her owner spend lots of time studying. Nazuna used to be amazed by how much Shu read for classes, even knowing that the other was a natural bookworm. He himself never had patience for reading longer than necessary. But there was a charm to watching Shu sit still for hours as he paged silently through a book, face relaxed in a way he rarely ever was. It was a handsome look for him, and Nazuna once thought of perhaps pressing his hands to face and trying to smooth that overt expression of his to see it again.
He never did it, but maybe he should one of these days, now that he might have another chance too.
The timer he set on his phone blares loudly, startling him out of his daydream before he gets too lost in it. Has time really passed that quickly? Looking at the clock once more, then twice, confirms it. Nazuna really spent twenty minutes daydreaming about Shu.
He rests his face in his hands, a bit embarrassed. At least the idiot himself would be back soon, and he could give him a proper punch for causing this.
(Nazuna only touches Mademoiselle once, back then. While he had never reacted like others and looked badly on Shu with his dedication and love for the doll, he certainly was never all that interested either.
Maybe it was his stark neutrality on the matter that gave him the chance in the first place.
He had stopped speaking by this point, words useless and only serving to make the love in Shu’s eyes falter when he did so. ‘No more than necessary’ was quickly twisted into ‘Never’ when Nazuna felt the oxygen leave his lungs every time Shu was disappointed, when his anger was fresh and bloody. Shu’s love was necessary, and if he needed to not speak to keep it, silence was also necessary.
The jealousy he once felt for Shu’s doll had faded. They were the same now. Dependent on the love and shelter Shu had provided. They were nothing without him, and would surely crumble if they didn’t allow him to keep them perfect.
He sits next to her in the clubroom, hair spilling over his face and arms as he rests his head next to her. It would make for a strange sight for anyone that happened to witness it, Nazuna’s hand hovering mere inches away from her own head. Unmoving. Hesitant.
He’s never interacted with her the way Mika has, much less as intimately as Shu. He’s never talked to her, never touched her, never held her. The idea of going through with it feels monumental, even if he can’t pin why exactly.
Nazuna wasn’t sure which one would crumble under the touch; Him or Mademoiselle.
When he brushes his fingers against her hair he finds it surprisingly stiff. Somehow, he expected it to feel the same as his own or anyone else’s. He expected to feel more than just thin plastic strands common on any doll’s head. It’s ordinary, normal.
His hand retreats in disinterest.
Did world-ending actions usually feel this… uneventful?)
He gets a text from Shu soon after, telling him he’s on his way back, only a few minutes from the dorms. Nazuna can’t help but let out a slight sigh of relief. It had barely been any time at all and he felt thoroughly worn out. Not that he had really done anything besides sit at the desk with her…
He stands up to put away some of the things he took out to study with before he comes back, but he can't help but look behind him as he does so. Red eyes glance back at Mademoiselle.
She sits there, in the same position he first set her down in hours ago. A smile makes its way on his face, small and wary of his own complicated feelings when it comes to her. All that time harshly reminding himself he’s a human, that he forgot dolls can simply just be that- Dolls.
It’s nice to have that reminder.
(“Mademoiselle? He uses her to talk now?” There’s surprise in Nazuna’s expression as he leans against the railing, staring at Kuro as he relays his meeting with Shu earlier.
“Yeah. Can’ believe it, can ya?.” A sigh comes from his friend before he shakes his head, “It’s creepy, doesn’ talk ta anyone without that thing now.” There’s a certain look in Kuro’s eyes when he says it, and Nazuna suspects there’s something more about this new development he’s not being told. He sighs and looks back at the view, watching as a few students mill around the courtyards.
He won’t pry. As much as he wants to, as he wishes he could. That’s the tricky thing about learning to be truly human. You never stop finding out there’s tons of things you can’t do. Like how to have heart-to-hearts, or how long a hug should actually last, or how to get information from friends without causing the already present sadness in their eyes to deepen.
Unlike Kuro, Nazuna feels something closer to happiness at this revelation.
An object of Shu’s affections he used to envy. The one that caused him anguish over his own ever-shifting nature, his impermanence as a human being. She was evolving. Even if only as an extension of Shu’s own difference. For once, Nazuna feels hope. It’s like a weight lifts off his chest, one he hadn’t quite noticed until it was gone. No matter what he is now, marionette or human.
Both are capable of change in the end, aren’t they?)