Chapter Text
The first thing Gordon notices upon waking is that something is tickling his nose, making it twitch. He blearily opens his eyes, immediately shutting them again and wincing at the pounding in his head. He doesn’t know where the fuck he is or how he got here or what day it is, but before he can try to figure that out, nausea rises in his throat and he rips himself out of the bed he’s in to stumble into the bathroom of the hotel room he’s, apparently, staying in.
After unloading the contents of whatever he put into his body yesterday into the toilet, he brushes his teeth with a complimentary toothbrush and shuffles out of the bathroom. He sits on the foot of the unmade bed, looking around the room and trying his best to conjure up the memories of how he got here.
He was on vacation with the gang, he knew that much. They were in Las Vegas. They’d been here for two days, and they were staying at a hotel with a casino, because, of course, they’d wanted to fuck around with the slot machines and earn (or steal) some money.
Yesterday night, he remembers all of them getting particularly rowdy, and drinking way too much. Vague memories of breaking machines and setting things on fire flash through his head. He thinks he jumped in the pool from a balcony at some point?
Which, yeah, it made sense that after that, he’d go to his room and fall asleep. There’s only one problem, though. This is not his room.
Shit, did he break into some random guest’s room? There are clothes thrown all over the floor, so clearly someone is staying here. But it seems like they weren’t here last night, so maybe Gordon can leave without being noticed-
He hears a noise, the shuffling of bedsheets, and he freezes. Oh god. Someone is here. In the bed that Gordon was in. Please don’t tell him that he not only broke into someone’s room but then crawled into bed with them, oh fuck he’s in so much trouble-
Getting off of the bed as quickly as he can without making a sound, he turns around to face whoever is laying in it. There’s an indistinguishable lump under the blankets, but he can see black hair peeking out from under them. Thankfully, though, their breathing is slow and steady, and they’re snoring softly. Okay. They’re still asleep. He can still get out of here without being caught.
He tiptoes over the piles of clothes, which, really? They should really pick this up, it’s like, everywhere, how do they even walk around? Just as he’s thinking this, his foot catches on a piece of fabric and he curses, scrambling to catch himself before he crashes onto the floor.
He momentarily glances down at the offending article of clothing, if only to smite it, and he pauses. It’s an eat, sleep, game hoodie. The same one that Benrey’d bought with Gordon’s credit card. Gordon looks around at the rest of the clothes, seeing a collection of hats and stupid graphic tees that Gordon is all too familiar with.
His panic is quickly replaced with anger, and he stomps back over to the bed, no longer caring about how loud he is. He grabs a fistful of blanket and yanks, revealing Benrey’s sleeping figure.
“Benrey!” He yells sharply.
Benrey’s steady breaths come to a halt and he groans, lifting his head to squint at Gordon.
“the fuck…”
“You wanna tell me why the fuck I was in bed with you?”
“huh…?” Benrey takes a second to process this, blinking focus into his eyes. “you were what?”
“Why am I in your room?” Gordon asks, crossing his arms.
At this, Benrey seems to register their location, and he looks around.
“oh yoo it’s my room. how’d we get here?”
“I don’t fucking know!” Gordon sits back down on the edge of the bed, rubbing at his aching temples. “I swear to god, if you got me to come in here last night to fucking smell my feet or some creepy shit-”
“nah, you have socks on.”
Gordon looks down to confirm this.
“Fine, you know what, I don’t know what happened, but it better not happen again. And don’t say a word about this to anyone, or I’ll-”
“yeah, kill me, whatever.” Benrey waves a hand dismissively, which only makes Gordon angrier. “can you stop yelling?” He asks, bringing his other hand up to clutch his head.
“I’m not- wait.”
Something on Benrey’s hand catches the light, drawing Gordon’s attention. Out of curiosity, he shuffles closer and takes Benrey’s hand, bringing it close to his face to inspect it. He’s pretty sure his hungover mind must be playing tricks on him, because Benrey is wearing a wedding ring.
“You are not married. You’ve never worn this before.”
Benrey clears his throat, and it takes Gordon a second to realize that he’s still holding his hand and leaning into his personal space. He backs up, allowing Benrey to inspect the ring for himself.
“huh…?”
As Gordon brings a hand up to adjust his glasses, Benrey’s eyes widen. He silently points at Gordon, mouth slightly agape.
“...What?” Gordon asks, frowning.
“look.”
Gordon follows Benrey’s line of sight to his own hand, holds it out, and immediately realizes what Benrey had seen. There, on his right ring finger, is a ring that matches the one on Benrey’s finger exactly.
“What the fuck?”
…Okay, so apparently, drunk Gordon had thought it was a good idea to get matching rings? With Benrey? And to put them on like wedding bands… for some reason?
“Well, that’s… weird. But, I guess…” He fails to come up with a decent explanation as to why the fuck they would’ve done that. “Hm…”
“what’s that?” Benrey asks, looking at something behind Gordon.
Before Gordon can look for himself, Benrey’s reaching over him, making Gordon grunt with annoyance as he’s met with a faceful of Benrey’s hair. He realizes what was tickling his nose when he woke up.
Benrey pulls back after grabbing a piece of paper from the nightstand. He stares at it, not revealing what it says, but judging by his facial expression, it must have a fucking death threat on it.
“What? What does it say?” Gordon asks, tilting his head up to try and see it.
Benrey doesn’t answer. Instead, his panicked eyes dart back-and-forth from Gordon to the piece of paper. Losing his patience, Gordon grabs the paper with a huff. It slips easily from Benrey’s limp hands.
Gordon turns it over to read it. Then read it again. And again. One more time. He flips it, trying to find something, any sign that this is some kind of cruel joke, but he can’t. The paper is a very official-looking marriage certificate. Which would be fine, if it had any other names on it, not fucking his and Benrey’s. Where the fuck did they find an ordained minister, and why would they sign off on a marriage between two very clearly drunk people?
He sees his own signature on the line for groom. There are scribbles over the word bride, being corrected with groom 2, where Benrey’s name is written in blocky capital letters. And, of fucking course, there are three signatures for three witnesses: Tommy, Bubby, and Dr. Coomer. Those bastards.
“...This can’t be real.” He says, even though it very clearly is. “This is fake, right?”
“yeah, ‘cause that makes no sense.” Benrey mutters, eyebrows drawn together in confusion.
“I know, it has to be-”
“why would i marry you? you’re so annoying.”
Gordon scowls and sets down the certificate.
“Fuck off. I’m annoying?”
“yeah, and loud.”
“Oh, really? Well, I would rather marry anyone else but you. You’re literally my last choice.”
“yeah, well, same.”
The two stare at each other for a few moments before Benrey’s eyes light up with mischief.
“so… when are we gonna consummate the marriage?”
Gordon snorts.
“Shut up. This is serious.”
“bro, not even a kiss? for your husband?”
Benrey tries to lean in, but Gordon puts a hand on his forehead and pushes him away.
“You are not my husband.”
“uhh, yeah i am.” Benrey leans against his hand and gestures towards the certificate. “says so right there.”
“...Maybe legally, but that doesn’t mean I have to accept it. We need to figure out what the fuck happened, and if it’s even real. You don’t remember anything?”
“mmm,” Benrey pops his lips. “i remember you danced on a table.”
“Wha-” A vivid memory of himself doing just that surfaces in his mind. He buries his face in his hands. “Shit, I did do that. Please tell me you didn’t record it.”
“bubby did.” Benrey snickers.
“Of course he did. Actually, where are those fuckers? I wanna talk to them about this shit.” He points to the ring on his finger.
He stands and marches towards the door. When he doesn’t hear Benrey following, he goes back and grabs him by the arm, pulling him out of the room.
They find the three of them sitting at a breakfast table in the lobby.
“Hey!" Gordon shouts, and all of their heads turn.
Gordon lifts his hand, still holding onto Benrey’s arm, showing off the matching rings.
“Someone wanna explain what the fuck is going on?”
Dr. Coomer’s face lights up.
“Ah, the newlyweds are here! How is married life treating you, Gordon?”
“This isn’t real, right?” Gordon sits down at the table, and Benrey follows. “This is some kind of prank?”
“What do you mean, Mr. Freeman?” Tommy asks, tilting his head. “You and Benrey’s wedding was yesterday, don’t you remember?”
“No!" Gordon laughs, a bit hysterically. “I don’t fucking remember, because we were fucking drunk! You’re telling me that Benrey and I are married now? For real?”
“It was a beautiful ceremony, Gordon! It’s a shame you don’t remember!”
Gordon rubs at his eyes.
“Why did you let us get married?”
“Because it’s fucking funny.” Bubby grins.
Gordon looks up to glare at him.
“Funny? Me and Benrey are legally binded, and you think it’s funny?”
“Hilarious, actually.”
“It is kind of funny, Gordon.” Dr. Coomer agrees.
“Okay, well I-”
“it’s pretty funny.” Benrey says. Gordon grits his teeth.
“You be quiet. Tommy,” Gordon turns to the confused man. “Your signature was on the certificate, too. Why would you do that to me?”
Tommy frowns.
“You asked me to sign it, Mr. Freeman.”
“I was drunk."
“It’s not our fault you two are fucking lightweights.” Bubby scoffs. “By the way, your room is my room now.”
“What?” Gordon scowls. “You asshole. Give me my room back.”
“Too late, I already took all of your shit out.” He nods to a suitcase sitting on the floor. “Anyway, I hope you’ve learned that your actions have consequences. You married Benrey, now you’re going to have to live with that.”
“Fuck that. I don’t have to live with shit. We’re getting divorced.”
“hmm,” Benrey hums. “what if i say no?”
“What?" Gordon turns to him. “Why would you do that?”
Benrey shrugs.
“we were basically already married. and isn’t there fuckin, uhh… tax benefits.”
“What do you mean we were basically married? We were not!”
“You live together, Gordon.” Dr. Coomer points out.
“So? We aren’t even dating!”
“You’re not?”
“Then why- but you act like you are?” Tommy says, looking more and more confused by the second.
“How do we- you know what, no. Fuck all of you, I’m gonna go ask if it’s too late to undo this. Benrey, come on.”
He takes Benrey’s hand and pulls him away, not seeing the team roll their eyes.
They approach the front counter, where the concierge gives them a wide, fake smile.
“Hello, how can I help you?”
“Yes, hi. Are the weddings here, like final? Is there like, I dunno, a trial period?” Gordon realizes how stupid it sounds as it comes out of his mouth, and the woman blinks at him in confusion.
“No, sir, marriages don’t have a trial period.”
“Okay, but.” Gordon sighs. “I married him yesterday.” he points to Benrey, who holds up a peace sign.
“Oh, congratu-”
“No. Listen, we were drunk. That sort of thing must happen here all the time, right? Don’t you have a way to undo it?”
“I’m sorry, but if you got the signatures of an ordained minister and three witnesses, then the marriage is final.”
“But that’s-” Gordon stops himself from yelling at an employee who’s just doing her job. “...Okay. Thank you.”
“Just so you know, if you got married in our building, you have access to complimentary honeymoon activities. Can I get your names?”
“Gordon Freeman.”
“benrey freeman.”
Gordon glares at Benrey.
The concierge types something on her computer, and then nods.
“You’re free to schedule a couple’s massage, a nature walk, and a private pool session. You can also get one free dessert from our kitchen. Would you like me to sign you up for anything?”
“No, no thanks, bye.” Gordon says, but when he tries to pull Benrey, he doesn’t budge.
“how long do we get the pool?”
“For two hours, sir.”
“niiice. sign us up for everything, please.”
“Benrey!”
“whuh? i don’t wanna swim in it when all the pissers are there.”
“But-”
“Alright, I’ve got that ready for you. You can go ahead and use your credits whenever you want, just tell the staff your room number. Let me know if you have any questions!”
“thank youuu.” Benrey smiles politely, and Gordon scoffs.
“Yeah, thanks."
This time, Benrey lets himself be dragged away, and Gordon pulls him into an empty hallway.
“Why did you do that!?” He whisper-yells, not wanting to alarm any other staff members.
“bro, it’s free shit, what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that it’s… for couples.”
“we’re literally married.”
“I don’t want to be! And why are you so okay with this all of a sudden? You seemed pretty freaked out earlier!”
Benrey shrugs.
“i told you, it won’t be that different from before.”
“We’re roommates. And it wasn’t even by choice, you pretty much forced your way into my house. That is not the same thing as being a couple.”
“how?”
“Because!” Gordon grits his teeth in frustration. “Do- do you even know what couples do? They- they go on dates-”
“like how you took me to applebees the day before we got here?”
“No, not like that- that was a friend thing! Then there’s- you know, physical affection shit-”
“we cuddle all the time.”
“That’s- only because you get cold, and-”
“you were holding my hand like, a second ago.”
“Okay!" Gordon shouts, pinching the bridge of his nose. “But I mean other stuff, Benrey!”
“we kissed that one time, remember?”
“I-” Gordon’s face burns at the memory. It had been very in-the-moment, they’d been joking heavily back-and-forth, and when Benrey had asked for a kiss like he always does, Gordon had given him one without thinking. Neither of them had ever brought it up again. Until now. “That was… okay, well, we’ve never done… anything else."
“we could.” Benrey offers easily, and Gordon nearly chokes on his spit.
“Wh- do you know what I’m talking about?”
“yeah. you saying you wouldn’t?"
Gordon pauses. It’s… not like Benrey is unattractive, and it’s not like Gordon’s never thought about it before. But he’d always pushed such thoughts away and stuffed them back into the deepest corners of his mind.
“...Are you saying you would?” he asks slowly, watching Benrey’s face carefully.
He’s taken by surprise when Benrey’s eyes flicker down. Benrey licks his lips, and Gordon finds himself tracking the motion.
“yeah.” Benrey says quietly, as if it was meant for only Gordon to hear.
Gordon sputters a bit, at a loss. Finally, he clears his throat and steps back.
“U-uh. Okay, we can do the fucking… honeymoon activities. But just because it’s free stuff, not because we’re… yeah. Okay?”
Benrey looks up at him through thick eyelashes, expression unreadable.
“okay. so which one do you wanna do first?”
“Uh…” Gordon thought about it. Honestly, he was pretty fucking stressed right now, and a massage might be able to help with that. Plus, maybe he could tune Benrey out and get some peace and quiet for once. It seemed like the best choice. “The massages, I guess.”
“bet.”