Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I can feel the thunder that's breaking in your heart. I can see through the scars inside you.

Cirice – Ghost

"I want to go to jail." Those were the words Connor had said to Oliver, Laurel, and Michaela. And they were true, he wanted to go to jail, since the beginning. Since that murder that forever changed the life of her teacher and boss Annalise Keating and his other 4 fellow students who had been chosen to work with her. It was the most difficult decision he's ever made, but he knew he had to. He couldn't handle so much pain, so much guilt, so many lies, so much selfishness. Leaving aside the legal issue, he knew or felt in his heart that he had to somehow pay for the way he had lived his life up to now, and he hated himself for it, he wanted to rot in jail.

It was 5 years that he was going to spend in jail. It had passed one year. Through that painful first year, he got involved in several fights with other inmates, for which he frequently had bruises on his face. To make it even more difficult, the bed in which he slept on in his cell was the hardest and most uncomfortable one he had ever slept on in his life.

Oliver tried to go visit him twice a week, but Connor never agreed to receive him. Even so, Oliver did not give up, and every week he went, even though he left there crying for not being able to see Connor. Connor wanted to see Oliver, but at the same time he didn't want Oliver to see him like that. He wanted Oliver to be free of him. The first guilt he carried in his heart was Oliver. He kept thinking that Annalize was right in, as well as his father. Connor was just using Oliver, all along. Since that first time he approached him and seduced him only to hack him to get information for Annalise. And all this time in return had only turned Oliver into a monster like him. Oliver himself had confirmed it when he told him "because of you I have lost my job and my moral values." As much as it broke his heart, and he cried silently every night about it, he wanted Oliver to leave. He wanted him to sign the divorce and find someone better. Oliver didn't deserve all of this and he didn't deserve Oliver. He couldn't understand by what design of the world it was that Oliver got HIV, when he was the one who really deserved to get infected and die of AIDS.

He thought of Paxton, that guy from that company Annalise was solving a case for. And that he, doing the only thing he knows how to do, also seduced in order to obtain information, which resulted in him being fired and, to everyone's surprise, he committed suicide by throwing himself out of the window. Connor felt all this time that he had Paxton's blood on his hands.

He thought about that fateful night, the night it all started. The night of the bonfires, the night of Sam's death. He no longer wanted to find other guilty parties, he wanted to face his guilt. It was him who chopped the body into pieces to get rid of it. He often had nightmares about it. More blood on his hands.

He thought about Wes. Even if they were never vey close, he remembered that night he found him in the basement of Annalise's house, unconscious and trying to revive him without knowledge, only to later have to run because of the explosion. Another memory that tortured him.

He thought about Laurel.

(Flashback 1)
Laurel: Wes is the father of my child.
Connor: Okay, so you should get an abortion because waiting list is not the father you should want for your child.
Asher proceeds to punch Connor and knocks him to the ground. Connor yells at him:
Connor: Hit me! HIT ME!
(Flashback 2)
Laurel: How are we supposed to believe you now?
Oliver: Look at him, look how guilty he feels.
Asher: Sure because he killed him.
Michaela: Enough!
Bonnie: Why are you just telling us this?
Oliver: Because he was afraid of this, that you guys were going to think he did it. The truth is, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Laurel: Of course that's what he wants us to believe.
Oliver: Can you please stop attacking him! You all have done terrible things and you have asked me to believe that you did it for the right reasons when I have had to do the same for Connor.
Laurel: Yeah, he hated Wes.
Connor: No, I didn't.
Laurel: You blamed him for everything. Do you know what you need to do now? Go and KILL YOURSELF. That is the only good thing you will do in your life. You can go and kill yourself Connor!
(end flashbacks)

To make matters worse, Connor never found out that Laurel's premature birth was due to Frank's accidental hit while fighting him. At that moment he really wanted to do it, he really contemplated throwing himself into the street and getting hit by a truck, but it was the thought of Oliver that stopped him at that moment.

He thought of Asher. With all his typical flaws for a guy of his class, he had been his closest friend for the last 3 years. His betrayal and his death broke his soul. How desperate Asher must have felt to accept the offer to be an FBI snitch. He couldn't judge him anymore, since he ended up agreeing to the same thing.

He thought of Michaela. Just remembering her made him feel tremendous hatred. All those years they had each other's backs, only for her to leave him in the end. She was free and he was there in jail rotting. He would never forgive her for that.

He thought of his parents. With everything and how fractured his relationship with them was already, especially with his father, he couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if his parents had been more strict or conservative with him. At that moment he wished that story he made up about his parents sending him to conversion therapy was true. Maybe that way he would have died sooner, before going through all this hell since he entered law school. He thought about his mother, the pain that the coming out of his father caused her, the nervous breakdown she suffered and that made her neglect her motherhood. During that time, his older sister took on a bit of the maternal role that her mother should have had. Her flirt with Asher the mere day of their wedding. Although it angered him, he knew he couldn't judge them. He thought about his father, how he had hurt his mother with his coming out of the closet, which made him feel twice as guilty since according to his father he dared to come out of the closet after he himself did. But if father was gay. How was he born? He felt incredibly anxious to think about it, to realize that his very existence came from a deceit, from a fake love. How could he love and be loved when he came into existence like that? Was it true what his father said, that his relationship with Oliver was fake like his parents'?

He thought about his adolescence and youth, how he discovered his sexuality very young, still practically a child. And influenced by a hypersexualized gay culture, he spent so many years giving his body to total strangers, and using other men as mere objects of pleasure. He did not realize that he was unconsciously seeking to fill a void that he did not know he had, when in reality in each of those sexual encounters, he was tearing apart a part of himself and leaving it there. But he was addicted to it, and in part still was, even married to Oliver.

He was finally thinking of Annalise. How many times did he think ill of her, how many times did he think of betraying her, until he gave in at the end. Now it dawned on him, and he couldn't understand, why Annalise did everything to protect them. She didn't have to, she could easily hand them over to the police since Sam's. They were the killers, not her. But she never gave them up. She always tried to protect them as a mother seeks to protect her children. But why did Annalise had chose him to begin with? Could it be true that Bonnie chose him because she took pity on the false story he wrote? Could it be that Annalise knew and chose him for being a good liar? How much did Annalise really know about him?

(Flashback 1)
Annalise: You can't bear the thought of spending a second alone.
Connor: You don't know anything about me.
A: I know that you are paranoid and that you are broken inside. And you don't trust anyone since you were a little kid.
C: I know what you're trying to do.
A: And you keep acting like that little kid making up ugly stories about people, because you're afraid that someone will actually try to meet you. So you're blaming me for the mess you've had in your head since the day you were born.
(Flashback 2)
Connor: I saw my admission letter. You spoke to the principal of the school and asked him to let me in again.
Annalise: You had failed, Connor. In what world does the same school let you re-enter?
Connor: That's why I asked you directly for the truth.
A: And the reason I didn't tell you is because I know how insecure you would be if you thought you didn't belong here.
C: I'm an adult, I can handle some disappointment.
A: You came crying to my apartment last year saying you were having suicidal thoughts.
C: I just needed some help.
A: And giving you that help is what I'm always doing for you.
C: But why? Why?
A: Because I don't want your bloody blood on my hands!
C: But why me? Why did you choose me for the K5 in the first place? You always have a reason for everything. So why me?
A: You know, this is your mess and I'll let you deal with it.
C: Just answer the question! Why?!
A: Because I'm trying to change the damn world here!
(end flashbacks)

All this weighed on his mind, every night. He felt like the worst human being in the world. He was a murderer, a liar, a selfish, a depraved pervert, a demon, a monster. He couldn't stand anymore. He wanted to end it all. The planet would be better off without him, with one less human being stealing oxygen. Laurel's voice rang out: "You should kill yourself Connor!" If there was a hell, he didn't mind going there, he was already in it in a certain way. One night, when there was total silence in the cells, he grabbed the knife that he secretly took from the kitchen and did the unmentionable, he used it on himself.

Chapter Text

I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can't warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away

Oh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Oh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
And here I am left in silence

Forgiven – Within Temptation

"You must protect him even from his worst instincts." Those were the words Connor's father had spoken to Oliver on their wedding day. Even though Oliver didn't have much a like for his father-in-law, those words reached him and he made them his own, like the special task he had to do for Connor. He knew what those instincts were, and they weren't just the sexual ones. He had seen them just the night before the wedding, for which he had to appear with bruises on his face at the wedding. Oliver tried to be strong, he went every week to try to see Connor even though he didn't agree to see him. There were moments in which he started to feel desperate, for not being able to hear from his husband, not seeing him, not feeling him by his side every morning, not being able to be there for him. It tortured him to think of everything that Connor could be living and feeling inside prison. He still had the divorce papers, which only needed his signature and be filed before a judge. He had told himself that he would never sign them, but sometimes the pain tempted him to take them and sign them. Oliver's mother, had told him that he had a big heart for Connor and that she was also deeply hurt by the situation they were going through, but she also told him that she would always support him in any decision he made.

He didn't know what to do, he debated himself whether to go to Annalise and beg her to please help Connor get out of jail. But he was afraid that Annalise wouldn't even want to see him, after all, Connor betrayed her by testifying against her. Oliver, on one hand, hated Annalise for it was because of her that Connor was in jail. But on the other hand, he knew that Annalise had protected Connor and the others all that time, for all the murders that had happened. He had managed to get a boring job again as a computer assistant in a company. He had a lot of contact with Pam, Connor's mother, they saw each other many times and even cried together for Connor. He had cut off all contact with Michaela since that terrible day of the trial, the one in which Frank and Bonnie had also died, and Laurel had disappeared again along with Christopher, which he didn't blame her for.

One night, past midnight, while asleep, Oliver was waked up by a telephone call that he would later remember as the worst call he has ever received in his life.

- Hello?

-Good night. Can I speak to Mr. Oliver Hampton?

-Yes, it's me.

-Mr. Hampton, sorry for the call at this hour of the night, we call from the Philadelphia Prison Center, the reason for this call is to tell you something related to your husband.

- What's wrong with Connor? Tell me please!

-Look, Mr. Walsh unfortunately a few moments ago tried to commit suicide.

- What? How it happened? Please tell me if Connor is dead!

-Look, the guards managed to find out and they were able to stop him in time before he made more damage to himself, what I can tell you is that he lost blood and needs to be hospitalized, at this moment they are urgently transferring him to the nearest hospital, which is St. Mary's Hospital. I suggest you go there so they give your more information.

-Thank you very much, I’ll be going there.

With his heart beating in a way he had never felt, he jumped out of bed, looked for any suitable clothes to go out, and ran. He tried calling Connor's mom, but she didn't answer. He assumed of course she was asleep, so he sent her a voicemail explaining everything. Before taking the car, he also sent a voice message to his boss explaining the situation, to tell him that he would arrive late in the morning. Within moments, Oliver's boss responded sympathetically, even giving the day off.

When he got into the car, before turning it on, he debated himself for 5 seconds whether to also text Annalise.

When he arrived at the hospital, he ran to the reception and in a very altered way, but making an effort not to get crazy, he spoke to the receptionist.

-My name is Oliver Hampton, my husband Connor Walsh has just been brought in from the prison center, please tell me how he is, I want to see him.

-Yes, Mr. Walsh was just brought in half an hour ago, at this moment they are intervening him because he was brought with very deep injuries. I ask you please take a seat in the waiting room, I will notify the doctors that you are here, as soon as the intervention is finished, the doctor will personally look for you to give you an update.

Dissatisfied, but unable to do more, he walked in circles in the waiting room. He then met a police officer who approached him and said:

- Are you Connor's husband?

-Yes I am.

-Ok, we are from the security department of the prison, we will be here guarding since Connor is an inmate, we have to watch the area and as soon as he is released we will have to take him back, as you may understand.

-Please tell me how this happened.

-Well, the guard from the cells says that he heard a loud scream coming from Connor's cell. Connor was in a solitary cell since with all the previous cellmates he ended up in fights. When the guard arrived at the cell, he saw Connor stabbing himself with a knife in the chest and abdomen, and as the guard opened the cell, he tried to stick the knife in his neck as well, but the guard managed to stop him in time and took the knife from him so that he only scratched his neck. So even though he bled in the neck, we think it was not de enough to reach through the jugular vein. They had to hold him tight between several guards because he was behaving very violent and agitated. He tried to hit his head on the wall, so they had to inject him a tranquilizer. Upon reviewing him carefully by the nurse in turn, and seeing that the wounds were deep, and also noticing that he also wounded his arms as if wanting to cut his veins, it was decided to bring him here to the hospital immediately.

Hearing all of that, Oliver had a deep swallow and grabbed the neck of his shirt, as if he wanted to feel Connor's pain. He felt helpless, unable to do anything, not having been there for Connor. He sat in one of the chairs in the waiting room, putting his elbows on his knees and his hands on his head. Something within him wanted him to do something he hadn't done since he was a teenager, to pray. But he and God were distant. Not even at their wedding ceremony in the Episcopal church where they were married had he prayed. He raised his head and saw an image on the wall that was familiar to him, a crucifix, the hospital was a catholic one. His mother had been a devout catholic for years. When Oliver came out of the closet it was hard for her to accept it, and that hurted him. But her mother managed to accept it, converting to the Episcopal Church, which accepts LGBT people and performs same sex marriages. Certainly Oliver was glad at the time that his mother could find a church to reconcile her faith with accepting her gay son, but he couldn't follow her on the same faith path, even though he tried. But at that moment in the hospital, in his pain and despair for Connor, his broken heart managed to say inside:

-"God, if you are there, and you don't hate me, please save Connor."

Chapter Text

The silence of the void
A father's life destroyed

Once Upon a Nightmare - Epica

A few moments later, Pam arrived, and minutes later Jeff, Connor's father, also arrived. They went with Oliver and he explained them everything he knew. For the first time he revealed to them that Oliver at the time tried to falsely testify against Annalise to save Connor from going to jail, but it was Connor who rejected that chance. With tears in his eyes, he told Connor’s parents:

-Forgive me, forgive me for not being what Connor needs. Forgive me, Jeff, for not being able to do what you asked me to do on our wedding day, to protect Connor, even from himself.

-Oliver, don't feel guilty, the fact that you're here and you're still here for Connor shows that you love him, maybe better than us. You have seen the inside of Connor and you are still here, when maybe others would have left him long ago. We love you as if you were our second child, and we couldn't imagine someone better for Connor.

In that moment, they heard a voice that said:

- Relatives of Connor Walsh?

It was the doctor, the 3 of them immediately approached, along with the prison officer. The doctor identified the officer since he was the one who brought him, he simply asked the others:

-Hi, I'm Dr. Stephens. Can you tell me your relationship to Connor Walsh?

-This is Pam and Jeff, his parents, and I am Oliver Hampton, his husband. Are you going to kick me out because catholics don't accept same-sex marriages?

-Calm down Mr. Hampton, we believe that God loves us all. Please come by so I can update you on Connor's status.

They went into a small private room where they sat down, and the doctor began to say:

-Connor is ok, we managed to stop the bleeding from his wounds. Indeed, it seems he tried to hurt his jugular vein, which if he had done so would have been deathly, but miraculously he did not get to hurt himself there. We had to suture the wounds on his chest and abdomen, but fortunately, he did not injure any internal organs. His heart is fine. He's not in a coma, but he's still sedated, his body needs a lot of rest, and obviously he needs psychological therapy. (He said that turning to the officer since he knew he was a prisoner who had to go back to jail.) And if you allow me to say so, I would add that also a spiritual help would be good. Right now, at this moment you can see him, but he is still sedated, he will wake up until tomorrow, if you like we can talk to you when you wake up so that you can come and see him.

- Yes, I do want to see him! Please take me to see him!

-Very well, I'll pass you by, but I remind you that he's still sedated, and also his hands are tied because it's for his safety because he tried to commit suicide, we won't know how he might react when he wakes up. I know this is a very strong emotional time for you, but please I ask you to be quiet so as not to wake him up.

They left the room and went to the intensive care area, where after going through several beds they found Connor's. The image they saw simply blew their minds. There was Connor, bandaged, his hands tied to the bed, with bruises on his face and blood stains all over his body. After months, this was the first image they had seen of Connor. Pam and Jeff were crying silently, feeling guilty and torn about so many things where they could have been better parents to Connor.

Jeff was remorseful inside, from that phrase "I envied you Connor." How could a man envy his own son just for knowing and affirming a sexual orientation when he was only 12 years old? Was he so closed in on himself that he could not see the shortcomings and wounds that his son carried inside, perhaps from his childhood, which led him to hide them with that supposed security and confidence that he supposedly envied?

Pam, for her part, was crying inconsolably. So closed in on herself, so hurt by her failed marriage, that she neglected that she still had to be a mother to her children, especially Connor. She asked herself what was going through her head, when she allowed her teenage son to have an active sexual life with older men?

They watched him for about 3 minutes, then the nurses asked them to leave. Pam and Jeff said goodbye to Oliver saying:

-We think that it would be best that when he wakes up you come by yourself. As much as we love Connor we know that it won't be the best thing for him if we are the first ones he sees. We can talk later to tell us how he is, and we think if we come to see it.

Jeff added:

-By the way, I spoke with the prison officials, they informed me that they brought him to this hospital because it was the closest hospital, that the cost would be covered by the prison itself. But if he required further hospitalization, he would be transferred to a public hospital, unless his relatives want to cover the cost so that he remains here. They also told me there will always be a police officer watching him. I am going to cover the costs so that he remains hospitalized here if needed. I know that I failed a lot as a father to Connor, I don't blame him for not wanting to see me, paying is the least, and perhaps the only, act of love that I can still do for him.

Oliver understood, thanked Jeff deeply, and said goodbye to them. When he got to his apartment, it was 4 in the morning, he was exhausted, he took his boss’ word and decided to take the day off. As soon as he entered the apartment and he began to cry uncontrollably, he cried until he fell asleep crying. And he slept for several hours.

Chapter Text

Will you spill the wine?
To summon the divine
I'm with you always
...Always

There's a darkness at the heart of my love
That runs cold, runs deep
The darkness at the heart of my love for you my love for you.

  Darkness at the Heart of my Love - Ghost

He was beginning to gain consciousness, he heard the beep of a pulse detector, he felt his body lying on a soft bed. His body felt totally weak to make any movement, but he could tell that his hands were tied. Weakly, he managed to open his eyes, he saw a strong white light over him. Suddenly he heard a voice:

-Connor? Can you hear me Connor?

To which he only responded by nodding his head, even having no idea who he was talking to.

-How old are you Connor?

-29

-Do you recognize where you are Connor?

After turning his eyes around for a bit, he replied:

-It's…a hospital.

-That's right, Connor. Do you know why you are here? You remember?

-I…I…

With his fists he began to grab the sheet of his bed.

-…Yes, yes, I know.

Saying that, he relaxed his fists.

-Ok Connor, please know you are in a safe place. Rest assured that we are here taking care of you. My name is Melinda, I am a hospital psychologist. After looking at you this moment, I see that you are calm, and that you are located in time and place, I am going to tell the nurses to untie your hands so that you are more comfortable. I'm going to let you rest for a moment. Would you like to talk with me in a moment? Or is there something you want to ask right now?

-Does... does anyone in my family know I'm here?

-The officers of the prison center told us that they called your husband and let him know of your situation. And I have a record that your husband called out your parents, the three of them were here at night when they brought you. They were updated on your health state and left when you were stabilized. We told them we would contact them when you woke up. Would you like us to communicate with any of them?

-O…Oli...Oliver knows? D-d-does he know what…happened to me? And was he here?

-Yes, Connor, he knows, and he arrived immediately and he was very worried about you Connor.

-Oh God, he hasn't abandoned me.

When he said that last thing, he started to cry.

-Yes, I want to... see him, him.

-Very well Connor, we will communicate with him, and we will arrange so that he can come to see you.

He leaned back on the bed, and closed his eyes for a moment, his body was still very weak. In a moment when he opened his eyes, he contemplated in the distance on a wall an image that he had not stared deeply at since he was a boy, a crucifix. Seeing it, he just thought that he wanted to be the one on that nailed cross, that he deserved that. It was in that moment that he realized that the hospital was a catholic one, which then made him surprised that the hospital psychologist mentioned Oliver as his husband, and that she accepted that he come to see him. He knew of stories where families denied that their gay children's partners would come into the hospital to see them. He would think that a catholic hospital would flatly refuse to treat a patient's same-sex partner as such.

After a few hours, Oliver arrived, and with a lot of nerves, he went to see Connor, who hadn't seen him for a year since the day of the arrest at Annalise's trial. The psychologist previously informed Oliver about Connor's psychological state and gave him some recommendations on how to talk to a person who attempted suicide.

-C-C-Connor? Connor?

-O-Oli-Oliver.

-Oh God Connor. Oh God!

Oliver wanted to hug Connor, he wanted to make him understand that he was there for him. But he couldn't do it because of Connor's bandages and stitched wounds across his chest and body, as well as the bandage around his neck. Oliver sat next to the bed. They both felt a deep desire to hold each other, to feel their bodies with each other, not in a sexual way, but to feel that they were there for each other. But the only physical gesture they could make was for Oliver to take one of Connor's hands with his hands. Connor was too weak in his arms to even move them. He couldn't hold back crying.

-O-Oliver, p-forgive me Oliver, forgive me! I'm a mess! You don't deserve this! I don't deserve to be loved! Please Oliver, sign the divorce papers, you deserve someone who makes you happy, not someone who makes you suffer like I'm doing.

-Connor, Connor! You don't need to say anything, I'm here, I'm here, you don't have to go through this alone. Please, Connor, don't push me away! If you are going to suffer, I am going to suffer with you. Your pain is my pain. Because as I have told you before, I have decided it to be that way, I chose it by loving you. Just like you didn't abandon me when we found out I was HIV positive, when so many others would have left me, and we managed how to stay together despite that. So will I also not going abandon you, neither here nor in prison. When you were arrested you told me that now you knew how to love, you remember? I know that, and you prove it to me with what you just told me. You want me to leave you because you care about me, you want my good, and I thank you. But now you must learn to be loved too. That means that even if I see the worst in you, I will continue to choose you.

-Oli…Oliver…I…it's just…it's too much…. what I carry inside…since before we even met.

-I know, I know, Connor. But I'm here with you, and I'll help you out of it. You must see this time as some way to find a redemption, not a path to your self-destruction. We have already seen too much death, too much spilled blood. Please, Connor, you don't have to be the next one to die!

They spent a few moments in silence, just looking at each other, holding hands. Oliver could feel Connor's hand thinner and see his body thinner too. He was worried that he wasn't eating well, it's not like they are given very good food in prison anyway. Suddenly Connor asked him:

-Oliver, how are my parents?

Oliver was surprised when he asked about his parents, for the first time he heard him in a tone that was worried about them, he replied:

-They are worried about you, last night they were here with me, I have been in contact with them, especially with your mother. Connor, even though I'm your husband I know I'm not the one to tell you how to handle your relationship with your parents. From what you've told me, I know they made mistakes, but there are no perfect parents. In all these months they have shown me that they really love you and are worried about you, I hope you can…give them the opportunity…

-Have you heard from Laurel and Michaela?

-Laurel disappeared again after the trial, cut all her communications, I don't know where she is. About Michaela, I pushed her away the day you were taken away, I was furious with her that she could have gotten a better deal and not told you. She tried to talk to me once, but I didn't answer her.

-Annalise?

-I haven't had any contact with her. Last night that they called me to tell you that they had brought you here, after sending a message to your mother… I sent a message to her too, just letting her know that you were here. I hope you don't mind. With the death of Bonnie and Frank she was gone for a while, I think she relapsed into alcohol. I think she's back in town, but I don't know if she's working in cases.

-Okay Oliver, thanks for keeping me up to date. Please forgive me for not letting you visit me. I thought that what I needed was to be alone. Now I realize that loneliness is precisely what lead me to this despair. Still, I feel guilty for you, forgive me Oliver for dragging you into this, you really don't deserve to have someone making you suffer like this. If at any point you want to leave me and find someone who truly makes you happy, I won't blame you at all.

-Connor, don't say that anymore, I promised to love you in sickness and health, to love you in your best and worst moments. You didn't drag me into anything, I'm going into these depths with you because I want to be with you. If I have to lower myself in order to lift you up, I will. Look at this.

Oliver reached into his pocket, and pulled out a ring, it was the ring Connor had given him the day he was taken away at Annalise's trial, meaning he wanted them to end their marriage right then.

-Connor, do you want to continue being my husband?

-Oliver….I….yes. I want to,….forgive me Oliver…forgive me please.

He answered with tears in his eyes, as Oliver placed the ring in his hand. Then Oliver said:

-Funny, we got married in an episcopal church, and now we reconcile in a catholic hospital. And both things, paid by your father.

-And both times, I'm beaten and wounded.

-Well, maybe it's true that God works in mysterious ways.

Chapter Text

Fill the void in me 
See life beyond the veil 
Replace all thoughts from the abyss with cosmic energy.

Find the spark in me 
See life beyond the dream 
Replace your darkest emotions with pure divinity.

Be without your fears
For a thousand years
Search for stillness deep inside

Abyss of Time - Epica

A week had passed since that fateful day. Connor had been transferred from the intensive care area to a private room, which always had to be guarded by a policeman at the door, since he was an inmate. Without a doubt the room and his hospital bed were much more comfortable than his cell. When male nurses, clearly younger than him, came into his room, he couldn't avoid giving them a certain look. With this he realized two things; one that his body and his senses were recovering, and the other that he was no longer so young.

Oliver would see him every day, since when he got back to jail he would only be able to do it twice a week. He had asked him to tell his parents to visit him when he returns to prison. Even though they were his parents, he didn't want them to see him in that state, in the hospital with self-inflicted injuries.

Since he was in the intensive care area, he saw and heard that a priest was passing by to see patients. At some point the nurse offered that if he wanted the priest to visit him, it was just a matter of asking. He thanked but declined. But then he became curious, it was not because he held priests or pastors in high esteem, and even less Catholic priests. But he felt a need to protest, to protest to the forces that govern the universe, for everything that had happened to him, because he did not understand the meaning of his existence. In jail there are also all kinds of religious ministers from various Christian churches and other religions, even some from churches and religions that were inclusive of LGBT people, but even so he never paid attention to them. "Over my dead body we got married in a church" were the words he had said to Oliver initially. His parents were merely cultural Catholics and they had raised him and his sister that way, they were baptized, they received their first communion as children, and that was it. With his coming out of the closet, more reason he pushed himself away from any form of religion. Not even progressive religions and churches interested him. He agreed to marry Oliver in the Episcopal Church to please his mother-in-law, and because it was an economic option, which his father was going to pay for.

All his life, he had never given a serious thought to his religious beliefs. After he came out of the closet, he got carried away by the entire war of the LGBT community against religions. Religions were the source of homophobia and hatred, it was what he heard, and it was what he believed without thinking much about it, without really analyzing if that was true. He didn't even know if he believed in God, and in the situation he was in, all the pain he carried within him, all the evil he had seen, the last thing he saw possible was that a good and provident God would order the universe and everything that exists. Perhaps this was his opportunity to test and plead against that God, against the supposed order of the universe and protest for everything he has experienced that led him to the point where he is now.

One morning when a nurse visited him, he told her that he was interested in the possibility of seeing a priest. The nurse took note and said that she would contact the hospital chaplain so that the chaplain could come to visit him. In a few minutes, the nurse returned to tell him that the priest could come visit him in the afternoon. Connor accepted and thanked the attention.

That day, in the afternoon, a figure appeared in his room, a figure which only by the clothes represented something so foreign, and so contrary to everything he believed and thought for years. A man in a roman collar. The man carried with him a little box with two small botlles with water and oil.

Fr. Michael: Hi.

Connor:… Hi…

Fr. Michael: You must be Connor?

Connor: Yes, I am.

Fr. Michael: Hi Connor, I’m Father Michael. If the "father" makes you feel uncomfortable, you can call me Michael or Mike, it’s ok.

"Father". That was a word that, although Connor knew its meaning, and certainly identified it with his biological father, it was difficult for him to assimilate all the depth that that word had.

Connor: Thanks…I guess I'm okay calling you father.

Fr. Michael: Very good, well Connor, I was told in the morning that you requested to speak with a priest, luckily I was available and I was able to come see you today. Tell me Connor. Do you want to talk about something? Is there anything I can help you with? I'm here for you.

Connor: Aren't you going to ask me…why I'm here in the hospital?

Fr. Michael: Well, before coming in I was informed of the reason for your hospitalization here, so I am aware of it. But sometimes, patients no longer want to talk about their disease or the reason for their hospitalization. Do you want us to talk about it?

Connor: Well…I have a first question. Since… you know, well, if I had… done it, what would have happened to me? Would I go to hell?

Fr. Michael: Look Connor, we believe that God is the creator and owner of all human life. Our human souls are created in the image and likeness of God. This means that, unlike animals, our souls are endowed with intelligence and will. God created us for the purpose of sharing His divine life. That is why we believe that it is up to God to know when he gives and when he takes human life, we are simply collaborators in His creation process.

Connor: And also destroyers of that process?!

That last thing, Connor said it raising his voice a little. Expected reaction, considering all the murders he has witnessed and participated in since he became a law student.

Fr. Michael: What exactly do you mean Connor?

Connor: Well... well... human beings, we have done so much damage, so many lives have been taken, by wars, violence.

Fr. Michael: Yes Connor, unfortunately that is a consequence of humanity's sin. In our Holy Scriptures, in the book of Genesis, this is represented in the story of Cain and Abel, the sons of Adam and Eve. Cain murdered his brother Abel out of envy, because Cain kept arrogance in his heart, the same one that led his parents to commit the first sin, which is not simply having eaten a fruit from a tree, but what it represents which is the desire of man to want to put himself in the place of God. God made man and fed him all the fruits of the trees in the Garden of Eden, each of these trees represents all the areas of flourishing of the human being, call it art, politics, sciences, economy, sports, etc. And the tree of knowledge of good and evil represents the ability to decide good and evil, the order of the other trees and the garden. That is why eating from that tree was prohibited, because that prerogative to decide the order of good and bad corresponds only to God. So when God asks Cain about his brother, Cain replies, "Am I my brother's keeper?" Since then, humanity has been plagued by waves of violence and counter-violence for centuries. It is not that humans are violent by nature, violence is manifested as a consequence of the distortion of sin in the desires of our hearts, these distortions are what we call the seven deadly sins.

Connor: Of which I suppose lust is the gravest sin, right?

Fr. Michael: Not necessarily, if we look at Dante's Divine Comedy, for example, although it is a more poetic than spiritual work, the sin of lust is the least grave of the seven. It is still a sin of course, but spiritual teachers have taught that pride is the most serious, since it is putting oneself above the good of others, from which all other sins arise. Sorry for asking you, is there something specific you want to talk about lust?

Connor: Um, maybe later, but then why did God allow men to want to make their own that ability to decide right and wrong? Why does God allow some people to choose to murder, take human lives, cause suffering, and do other bad things? If God is good, he would not allow that.

Fr. Michael: I understand what you mean Connor, and I know it's a question that shakes us to the core. The experience of pain questions and shakes us, makes us want to see our purpose for existing, our place in the universe, and makes us ask why we feel what we feel. As long as we live in this world, and our existence is limited by the space and time in which we live, we will never have a complete answer to the question. That is the first truth that we must admit, that the total and complete answer can never be known in this life. However, philosophically and theologically we can hint some answers. The first is that God made the human being with freedom, because unlike animals, humans are made in the image and likeness of God. Setting ourselves free involves the risk that we actually choose to do evil. God could have made us in such a way that we automatically do only good, like animals that just follow their instincts. But in such a case we would not have any merit for it, there would not be in us what we call "love" since we would do good automatically and not by our free will. God knew what would happen if we misused our freedom and from his divine perspective, he saw that it was worth the risk. Because the benefit of being able to do good freely, which is love, is infinitely greater than the risk of doing evil. Hence, our faith does not propose any despair but the opposite, from all the evil that the human being has committed, there is an opportunity to bring out a greater good.

Connor was at war with himself inside, he couldn't deny that there was some truth in what the priest said. If it hadn't been for all the ugliness he got involved in from the beginning as a law student, he would never have met Oliver, who to this day still credits Oliver with teaching him to love. How is it that in the midst of all this world of war and destruction that is the corrupt system of criminal justice in which he found himself immersed, in the midst of that rotten world he learned to love? He couldn't explain that, but it was true. But, on the other hand, in his hurt and wounded heart, he did not want to accept that, he was angry with God/the universe/the cosmos/destiny for the abyss in which he was sunk. He wanted to stop feeling, he wanted to expel himself from that existence, from that universe, from that creation. He began to feel again what he felt that night, that night that brought him to the bed he was laying. In a moment of internal despair, he said:

Connor: All of that sounds reasonable in a way. But it doesn't solve anything, the pain is still there, it doesn't go away and we don't see the final meaning of everything. The question remains, why does God allow it?

Fr. Michael: Because God has created a universe in which freedom exists. God will never deprive you or anyone else of free will.

Connor: Seems like a pretty inefficient way to manage a created universe.

Fr. Michael: I understand you Connor, no explanation is enough, and God would not have the capacity to explain everything to us, because our vision of space and time is infinitely less than His. It is as if we humans wanted to explain some complex science to a 5-year-old child, we know that it is impossible because the mind of a 5-year-old child does not have the maturity or capacity to understand complex knowledge. There was a time a father told me how he had to put his three year old child into a painful operation, and his son was crying inconsolably from being in a hospital, tied up and injected with various devices. And the father suffered because he couldn't even begin to explain to his son that all that he was suffering was for his own good. That's how God is with us.

Fr. Michael: And what does God do for us? Firstly, it leaves us with the awareness of good and evil, what we know as natural law, the ability of each human being to distinguish between good and bad with our reasoning. And within that ability to distinguish the good and seek it, arises what we could call "happy dreams", which are all the ancient religions with their many stories and myths about gods and goddesses who govern the order of the universe, but ultimately, these stories fall short because they are just imaginations about the very natural world in which we live. But finally, we believe that God truly manifested himself to an ancient people and was trying to teach them who He was and trying to form them according to His will for humanity. And that people is the Jewish people. To do this, God certainly had to use the methods and languages of the men of that time. Just as we know that you don't explain something to a 5-year-old child in the same way as to a 15-year-old teen, in the same way, God had to explain to men more than two thousand years ago in ways that could not be explained to us men of the 21st century, because God does not impose Himself, as the gods of ancient myths did, but reveals Himself to man in his understanding, always leaving man with the fredoom to see and perceive God with his heart and not through a tyrannical imposition.

Fr. Michael: But then the most shocking and contradictory of all this, among the Jewish people a Jew appears who begins to speak as if He were God, forgiving sins and healing the sick. Which was totally unheard of and incomprehensible to both Jews and non-Jews at the time, for a man to claim to be God himself was blasphemous. No one could see God, it was forbidden to make images of Him. To make it even more shocking, this man not simply proclaimed himself God, but submitted without protest or rebellion to the cruelest form of death penalty invented by man, the crucifixion, invented by the roman empire. Today we are used to seeing the cross as a religious symbol of Christianity, but deep down, it is a brutal and cruel instrument of torture. And yes, it is crazy, that we adore a God humiliated and subjected to violence and death, to the lowest and darkest of humanity that He himself created. And even crazier, that we hold that image of our crucified God, in our temples, homes... and hospitals. But what this really means is that God is acting outside of human logic, the logic of violence and counter-violence, of “you hurt me and I hurt you”. If we read the accounts of the death of Jesus, we find that all the way that led to His death He experienced hatred, betrayal, denial, institutional corruption, violence, stupidity, injustice, in short, all the forms of human dysfunction came out to meet Him at that moment. But Jesus, God made man, fights against this violence, but not with more violence, but by letting all this darkness fall on Him. He takes on himself the sins, the evils of humanity and says "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do".

Hearing the words “betrayal”, “institutional corruption”, “violence”, “injustice”, Connor couldn't help thinking that all of this has plagued him and his friends since he began his life as a law student, until this very day and moment to the place where he was.

Fr. Michael: It is as if on the cross, Jesus interrupted that terrible game of violence against violence, revenge against revenge, which has tormented the human race since its inception. It is as if God put a cross and puts it to interrupt this terrible process.

Fr Michael: But what prevents us from saying that Jesus was simply a good man who died in a good cause of his time, is the puzzling fact of the resurrection. The gospels tell us that when the risen Jesus appeared to his disciples, he did two things: First, he showed them His wounds, as if showing that what the sin of the world did cannot be forgotten. And second, he told them "peace be with you." This is the peace that the world cannot give. God's love is more powerful than our greatest enemies, which are sin and death. That is why Saint Paul, one of Jesus' apostles, would later say "I am sure that neither death nor life, nor the angels, nor the abyss will be able to separate us from the love of God." How did you know that? Because we KILL God, and He came back to life in all-forgiving love.

Fr. Michael: All this is summed up in that teaching that Jesus himself told us: "love your enemies, if someone slaps you on the cheek, show the other as well." Showing the other cheek is telling your attacker that you are going to prevent him from hitting you in the same way again. It is not fleeing or consenting, but to point out to the aggressor that we refuse to accept the wrongs that led to his aggression. It is to show him that we are on a different moral level. It is reflecting to the violent person the great evil that he is committing, not with the intention of condemning him, but of transforming the perpetrator himself. That was what Jesus, in His divine love, did for us, and now He invites us to reflect that love in our lives.

Fr. Michael: Connor, for whatever reason you are suffering, your suffering is not a meaningless void. God has descended into our material world, into our material bodies, He has suffered with us. If you allow me to say it, whatever it is that is making you suffer, God has suffered it with you. On that cross, your pain was there too. You don't need to die to seek atonement, Connor, because Someone already did it for you. And if you had, we can't say you would have gone to hell. Look, what we mean by hell is the state of self- deprivation of the soul from communion with God. For a soul to go to hell, it needs to die without repentance for having committed a mortal sin, and to commit a mortal sin, it needs to be done with full knowledge that a sin is being committed and with the total free will to do so. Suicide is certainly a sin. But can we know if a person who commits suicide does so with full awareness and freedom? We do not know, because only God sees the inside of souls. And even between the suicidal act and death, there may be a desire for repentance. Between the bridge and the water there is space and time for the grace of God to act. The souls that are in hell are there because they so desired with all conscience. They received the love of God and receiving it they rejected it. I don't think you're one of those Connors, I think it's not your fault that maybe you never got the opportunity to meet him.

Fr. Michael: What God wants is to transform your pain into love, to get rid of everything that prevents you from loving and knowing yourself loved, to give yourself to others in love, in search of the good of your loved ones and of everyone.

Connor: What if my way of loving is also dysfunctional? And if it is also a sin, like killing?

Fr. Michael: Connor. Would you like to tell me exactly what you mean? Would you trust me to tell me what causes you to suffer? What is it that has you here in this place and…in prison?

Connor: Do you want me to confess?

Fr. Michael: Not exactly if you don't want to. Just let me help you better.

Connor: Well...

Chapter Text

Distruggi la paura (Destroy fear)
Per liberarti  dall'ombra tua (to free yourself from your shadows)

Distruggi I tuoi pensieri (Destroy your thoughts)
Per liberarti dalla mia colpa (To free you from guilt)

l'amore verra e il vincera il tuo dolore (Love will come and will overcome your pain.)

Miracle – Yoshiki

Connor took a deep breath, he never imagined he would be in this situation, about to bare his soul to the last person he could ever think of, a Catholic priest.

Connor: I'm gay.

Fr. Michael: Ok.

Connor: And… and I'm married…. with a man, who I really love with all of my soul.

1. Michael: Ok. What's his name?

Connor: Oliver.

Fr. Michael: Ok.

Connor: We even got married…in a church…. of the Episcopal Church.

Fr. Michael: Ok.

Connor: You're not going to tell me anything?

Fr. Michael: What do you expect me to tell you?

Connor: Well... I don't know, I thought saying that would make you run out of here.

Fr. Michael: Why would I do that?

Connor: I thought Catholics hated us gay people .

Fr. Michael: Of course not.

Connor: So?

Fr. Michael: Ok Connor, I understand why you say what you say, and the first thing I have to tell you is that you are right about something, it is true that many Catholics, and other Christians, have behaved with true hatred and rejection towards LGBT people, and it is true, there is a lot to improve in the Church for that. At the same time, I believe that we can have a true dialogue in which both parties listen to each other and learn from each other, both Christians and the LGBT community.

Connor: So what do you have to say about my relationship with my husband?

Fr. Michael: You, like all human beings born into this world, have rooted in your heart the desire to love and to be loved. And from the way you tell me, and the way I see it in your eyes, I don't doubt that your love for Oliver is a real and authentic love.

Connor: So why is the Catholic Church opposed to marriage equality?

Fr. Michael: Look Connor, I know that this is a position of the Church that many people have felt hurt by, that many people find it cruel and unfair. It sounds to you like the Church is telling you that your love is second-rate or broken. But I can assure you that it does not come from that view. First of all, we all have brokenness in our love, we are all wounded in our ability to love, and we are all wounded in our sexuality. Straight people are not somehow less sinful or less hurt by being straight. We are all in the same boat here. We are all called to heal our wounds and purify our capacity to love. Now, God's plan for human sexuality is that the man be for the woman and the woman for the man. We cannot unsay that, for two reasons, by divine law and by natural law. And I will focus on the natural law, which, by simple reason, we realize, that the human body only has the capacity to sexually join with a body of the opposite sex. And the sexual acts that can be performed between bodies of the same sex cannot be equated to the sexual union between the man and the woman. And it's not even because of the procreation issue, it's because of the complementarity issue. This is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church refers to when it says "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered." But don't get me wrong, the term intrinsically disordered is not pathological, but teleological. We all have intrinsically disordered desires in one way or another.

Fr. Michael: So what does the Church offer to the gay person? What is the calling of a gay person? The first thing that the Church proposes to you, what it calls you to, is the same thing to which it calls us all, to live a life of chastity. Now, don't be scared by that word, chastity is not the same as mere abstinence or celibacy. Mere abstinence is when one abstains from sexual activity for any reason. Chastity is when we order our sexuality to love, and by love I mean the desire to do good to the other person. Chastity is when we order our sexuality in order to make ourselves a self-giving gift for another, as opposed to lust, which is using the other person, or oneself, as an object of selfish pleasure.

Connor: But then, does that mean, I can never have sex? Not even with Oliver?

Fr. Michael: I know that this point is very delicate, and it can be difficult and hard to grasp. Trust me I really understand and I try to be very sensitive. To put it directly, I would say yes, God calls us precisely out of love to make sacrifices of ourselves for the good of others. The word sacrifice comes from two Latin words, the word "sacra" meaning "holy"; and “ facere ” which means “to do”. So sacrifice means "to make holy." When Jesus, through the Church, calls us to unite our lives to His one and only eternal sacrifice on the cross, what He calls us is to make our lives holy. And that includes every aspect of our being, including our sexuality. If I have an attraction to a form of sexuality that does not result in fully making myself a life-giving gift to another, then what I must do precisely for the person I love is to make a sacrifice of myself, for the good of the person I love.

Connor: Until I met Oliver, I had never, really ever, ever had sex with a man that I loved, loved with all my heart. Oliver was the one who rescued me from that abyss, from the abyss of being in a frenzy of giving my body to so many men for mere pleasure, until I met him is that I was able to stop the rampage in which I was involved for years. And even here he continues to rescue me. But I feel that you are asking me that out love of him I should leave him and separate myself from him. I must stop loving him in order to love him, what an irony.

Fr. Michael: No Connor, what I am proposing is not to stop loving Oliver, but to love him in a more pure and authentic way. You don't have to leave him, we Catholics are fully aware of the complexities of life. God did not make us to be alone. What I am proposing to you is that you dig a little deeper into what you mentioned about "stop the rampage in which I was involved". It’s very good and what a blessing it is that Oliver has purified your capacity to love. That is certainly a blessing. What I propose to you, is that you go a little deeper.

Connor: You mean, I can stay together with Oliver…as long as we live without having sex?

Fr. Michael: It can be an option. You might realize that you love Oliver totally for the person he is, and not for the sexual attraction you have for each other. In the same way, that moment will one day arrive. I'm telling you, I also talk to so many straight marriages. With the passing of the years and with age, physical beauty fades, sexual attraction as well, youthful infatuation disappears, defects stand out, and only the mere rational will to continue loving each other simply for being the other person remains, with all its flaws.

Connor took a breath and closed his eyes.

Connor: I guess it makes some sense, but still…it's hard, it's hard to let it go. Still, I really feel like I express my love to Oliver when…when I'm…with him.

Fr. Michael: I believe you Connor, just from what I've talked to you about and from what I see in you, believe me I have no doubt about it. All of us in our hearts want to love and be loved, sometimes we seek or express that love in ways that perhaps are not a hundred percent ideal, as God wanted before we fell into sin. Sometimes in this life we never reach that ideal state, of loving with the total purity to which we are called to love. Still, Connor, what I propose to you is what the Catholic faith offers, because I believe that it is the truth and what it is good for you and for everyone; but you have to decide that freely, I am not here to impose anything on you. And even if you don't decide, never despair. Never think that God does not love you and does not wait for you with open arms, always try to live your life doing good. Do not think that, because some aspect of your life is not ideal, all the other aspects of your life are worthless. You always do the greatest good you can do. To you, to Oliver, to your family, friends and everyone around you. Do always good, and with hope, there we will meet.

Connor: I have a question. Why does the Episcopal Church do same-sex marriages?

Fr. Michael: Well, to put it simply, the Episcopal Church is the American branch of the Anglican Communion. Anglicanism was born in the 16th century when the King of England Henry VIII wanted to annul his marriage with his wife Catherine of Aragon to marry Anne Boleyn with the hope of having a male child. When the Pope did not agree to divorce King Henry, the King decided that the Church of England was going to separate from the Pope and the Catholic Church. To explain it in a simple way the differences between the Christian denominations, we have Catholicism, which is based on the Bible, Tradition and we submit to the authority of the Pope to interpret them. Then there is the Protestantism that only obeys the Bible, and it is left to the interpretation of each group or each individual. And Anglicanism basically shares the Bible and Tradition with Catholics, but not the authority of the Pope. Instead, they value reasoning and experience. In short, in the Anglican churches, such as the Episcopal Church, each person is his own Pope, each one develops his faith according to his experience and his own reason. Hence, in the face of modern experiences, the Episcopal Church has become sensitive to the LGBT community and in its good desire to be compassionate towards them, has come to religiously recognize same-sex marriages. It should be clarified, I believe that the Episcopal Church does have the good intention of looking after people, listening to their pains and needs and wanting to give them spiritual relief. We just don't agree on what that spiritual relief consists of. To put it simply, the Episcopal Church only bandages wounds without actually healing them, we seek to heal the wounds fully, even if that process may hurt a bit.

Connor: Are you saying that my marriage to my husband is a wound only covered with a bandage?

Fr. Michael: I think that what you call your marriage is a real relationship of love, so real, that the problem here is that the concept of marriage is too small for it, and that is where the bandage is. In our culture we have believed that romantic love, is the highest form of love. We believe that because of all the emotional, and hormonal, roller coaster that comes with it. But it is not so, the highest love is all the love in which one is willing to sacrifice his good for the good of the other, when one is willing to sacrifice his comfort, his pleasure, for the good of the other. That is when truly, whether it occurs in a relationship as a couple, as a friendship, as a family.

Connor: I can understand that, the sacrificial love thing, it's hard, but it sounds beautiful. But I still don't understand exactly why my desire to love my husb… Oliver… the way I love him, is a bad thing. I don't understand what good we would be doing if we sacrificed that part of our relationship. Certainly, I have learned that, although it is difficult for me, I want to be faithful to Oliver, I don't want to be fooling around anymore. But I don't understand this, it's absurd. Why would God put this desire on us only to command us to repress it completely? It's torture! Maybe even worse than conversion therapy. Perhaps worse than radical Muslims, they are at least doing you a favor by sparing you suffering, killing you for being gay.

Fr. Michael: Connor. Why did you hesitated when you were going to call Oliver your husband, but then you called his name?

Connor: I don't know, I really don't know.

Fr. Michael: I will ask you this question, and you don’t have answer it, you keep it and reflect on it. Can you truly love Oliver for himself and not for the marriage title? Can you love him even when being with him does not give you any pleasure or well-being? Just as he has loved you, in the situation you are in now, can you love him the same? Do you love him for who he is and not because what he gives you and makes you feel?

Connor didn't answer, he just closed his eyes, and began to cry. The tears were getting more, and at a certain moment he unloaded a deep and strong cry.

Connor: Yes! Yes, I love him, but I don't know how to do that, I'm not capable of doing for him what he is doing for me. And I hate myself for it, I feel horrible. I'm a selfish fucking idiot. All my life I have done nothing but think about myself. But I feel that I cannot change. And even if I could, you can't ask me to live like this. It's something I've almost idolized for so long, it's the only thing that gives my life some meaning. And now that I barely feel that I am learning to love, you ask me to strip myself even more. I do not understand why. What He asks of me, what He asks of us, is inhuman. That's why so many people leave your church.

Fr. Michael: Connor, maybe, before thinking about the church, or thinking that you have to change everything at any moment. Just let yourself be loved, by the One who is love itself.

Connor: Please, thank you for your time, please leave me alone.

Connor just closed his eyes, and heard the priest get up and leave without saying anything. When he opened his eyes and saw that he was alone, he began to cry uncontrollably until he fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Release me from this cross after all these years
Oh call my name and help me with this weight
Even though it comes far too late.

The Cross– Within temptation

After three weeks in the hospital, and some psychological evaluations, Connor was released, and he had to return to prison. Oliver had noticed that during his time in the hospital, something had changed in him. He looked conflicted but in a different way, he always had a thoughtful look. His conversation with Father Michael had left him deep in thought, thinking about things he had never given himself time to think about.

Upon arriving at the prison again, the first visit he received and accepted was that of his parents. He had not seen them since the wedding. On his neck and part of his chest there were still scars from the wounds he had received. It wasn't that they made him looked bad, but they were visible. They asked him if he wanted to see his parents separately or if he wanted to see them together. He agreed to see them together.

The rules of the visits were that they could not have physical contact outside of shaking hands. When Connor's mother saw him, she immediately shed tears when she saw her son in prison clothes and with the scar on his neck.

Pam : Conor! Connor! Forgive me son! Forgive me!

Connor: Forgive you… for what mom?

Pam : For not having been the mother that you needed, because for many years I was so blinded by my own pain. I had no idea how many things you carried inside.

Connor: Mom, don't think about it anymore, the past is in the past.

Jeff: Forgive me too Connor, I also acted selfishly, without having any idea of the damage I was doing to you. I thought that simply by providing you with what was necessary, I was doing my part, and I couldn't see what you were dealing on your own.

Connor couldn't deny that inside of him he still held a grudge against his father, as he always had. A part of him wanted to raise his voice and protest everything that his conscience wanted to blame on him. But an inner voice, a very subtle voice that echoed in his mind, the voice of Father Michael, made him completely change his choice of words and his tone of voice.

Connor: Please don't blame yourself dad, the only one responsible for all this is me. I was the one who freely chose the decisions I made, I decided to study law and I decided to get involved in the Annalise group, with everything that came along with it. Please don't take on a blame that doesn't belong to you. I am an adult and I must be responsible for my decisions.

Connor's parents were surprised by what their son said, something was definitely changing in him, and they still didn't know if it was for the better or for the worse.

Pam : Connor, son, you have always been very independent, but also remember, that despite our mistakes as parents, we love you, you are part of us, and what you suffer is our suffering. Perhaps for too much time we could not assimilate it, but we want to learn to assimilate it. Just thinking about losing you breaks us completely. You have such a brilliant mind and ability, one that we truly admire about you. And even if you don't believe it, you have a purity of heart that you can't imagine. Of course we don’t like that you are here in this place, and we know you had a chance to evade it. But we know that you faced it and accepted it because you felt that it was your responsibility and that it was a moral duty that you had to fulfill.

Jeff: And just like us, Oliver loves you too, better than we do, or rather I could. Forgive me for what I told you about him, I thought I knew you, I thought you were being…. the free man I couldn't be. And I thought that Oliver might be holding you back, but now I realize…he's not. Forgive me Connor.

After being silent for a few minutes, simply reflecting on the situation. Connor asked them a question:

Connor: Do you guys…believe in God?

Pam and Jeff were again surprised by the question. Jeff suddenly was worried that Connor was going to become the typical prisoner who became a religious fanatic in jail, but after imagining being in his shoes, imagining the existential emptiness he must feel, and even more so of a suicidal prisoner, frankly, he didn't he could judge Connor if he did. Pam honestly only thought that she had been a purely cultural catholic, never really believing or thinking much about religion, and in that sense she also pretty much raised Connor the same way.

Pam : Yes… I do believe in God.

Jeff: It was believing in God that made me hide in the closet for so many years…. and so…. that was what made me get married, and from such marriage you were born…. So yes, I do believe in God, and I still believe because that's the reason I had you. And having you, is certainly one of the things I don’t regret.

Connor was surprised by what his father said, it was something he didn't know, and now that answered one of his existential questions. It was thanks to the internalized religious homophobia of his father when he was young, that he exists. And his father now was telling him that he continues to believe in God because of him.

Jeff: Why do you ask Connor?

Connor: Just to know.

Chapter Text

Crucify my love if my love is blind
Crucify my love if it sets me free
Never know, never trust, that love should see a color
Crucify my love if it should be that way

Crucify my Love – X Japan

Oliver went to visit Connor every week in prison, and every 2 weeks Connor's parents also visited him. On one time Oliver's mother also visited him, she assured him that she loved him as her son and that she prayed for him every day.

Upon returning to the prison from the hospital, his fellow inmates began to respect him, perhaps out of pity or threats, but he practically stopped getting into conflicts with others. Some assured him that they supported and accepted him, with those, little by little Connor managed to create a better environment for himself within the prison.

In the prison there was a space for an ecumenical chapel, where every Sunday several ministers from different churches and other religions went to offer masses or worship services. Among them there was a catholic priest who celebrated Mass every Sunday and Connor went some Sundays from and he just listened.

On one occasion, Oliver told Connor that he had been informed about the possibility of making a "conjugal visit", which they had the legal right to, since they are married. It had been almost a year since Connor entered jail that they had sex for the last time. During all that year, especially the first six months in which Connor did not accept visitors, between the loneliness, uncertainty and… horniness; Oliver felt tempted countless times to go cruising or hooking up, much in the same way he had Connor in the first place. But something in him, which he could totally explain, gave him a strange force in his will to resist those temptations. He realized that it was because despite everything, he loved Connor and wanted to be faithful to him, at least until he made it clear if he was going to be able to continue his marriage with him.

Oliver was the one most excited about the idea of the conjugal visit, who certainly missed that aspect of their relationship. But he also felt that he could try to heal Connor with it. He didn't just want to have sex in a lustful way like so many other times they have done it. Rather, he really wanted to make love to Connor, to make him feel loved. He wanted to feel his living body. He wanted to make him feel good to be alive. He had even tried to do more exercise in recent weeks.

Connor certainly wanted very much to be with Oliver. In his case, it was certainly in a more lustful way, as he had always been. But there was something inside him that shook his conscience, something that wouldn't leave him alone. Something in his mind made him think the idea of having sex with Oliver in a different way.

-"Oh great, now I'm feeling catholic guilt." -He thought to himself.

That day, Connor made effort to be ready for the visit. Something which did not go unnoticed by his fellow inmates, who joked with him saying:

-Hey Walsh. Who's coming today or what?

- Hey C., are you a pitcher or catcher?

- Are you going to celebrate your month right? (It was June.)

Connor already knew the friendly tone with which they made him those jokes, he just listened and laughed.

When the time came, the guard called for him, to which the other prisoners began to whistle and throw friendly jokes at him. The guard lead him to a room, which had no windows, and was definitely more decent and more comfortable than his cell but it wasn't anything fancy either. It was perhaps something barely comparable to a motel room.

A few minutes later, the door opened and Oliver entered, who before that had gone through several security filters to verify that he did not bring any unauthorized object. The door closed and they told him that they only had one hour and that after that time they were going to knock on the door twice. The guards also told Olivers that in case of any dangerous situation he might be in (since by precautions are taken when prisoners have contact with people from outside even if they are their spouses) there was a panic button that was on a wall that he could press for help.

Once inside the room, they stared at each other, they approached each other. And urgently but slowly, they kissed. First softly and slowly way, and then more intensely. Oliver hugged him and ran his hands over his back and Connor put his arms around Oliver’s neck.

They sat on the bed, which was double size, and while they continued kissing Oliver took him by the sides of the head and said firmly to his face:

O: I love you Connor.

C: I love you too Oli.

O: I will always be here for you.

Saying that, they leaned back and continued kissing lying on their sides. Oliver began to kiss his neck, which was impossible not to notice the scar on his neck from the wound he made himself. Seeing it, he stopped for a second just to look at the scar. Connor realized this, and he felt guilty. Oliver with a deep tenderness, kissed the neck on the scar, and raised his head to kiss Connor again on the mouth.

In that moment Connor began to notice his body react, he raised his upper body to take off his shirt, to which Oliver proceeded to do the same. Connor couldn't help noticing Oliver's chest and abs more worked out than the last time he saw him. Oliver saw Connor’s chest with the marks from the stitches he had from the cuts. Marks which contrasted with his chest and abdominal hair, which were more abundant than the last time they met. Oliver felt a strange mixed feelings, he felt sad seeing the marks on Connor’s body, and he also felt more horny since he loved Connor being more hairy.

Oliver continued to kiss Connor on the mouth, then his neck, and then down to his chest. Meanwhile with his hands he explored and felt the hair on his chest. With his mouth he started to kiss his chest, stopping again in the scars, embracing him placing his cheek on them. At that point he raised his face to see Connor's face and said:

O: Connor?

C: yes?

O: P… pl …please don't do this again.

Hearing that, Connor strangely felt even hotter, and he turned Oliver so that he was on his back and he was on top. In a slightly more lustful way, typical of Connor, he began to kiss Oliver on the mouth and neck, touching his entire chest. Oliver missed so much to have Connor like this, but suddenly he began to feel that Connor’s sexual energy was diminishing, changing into a different type of desire. Connor was no longer touching him with lust but with a desire like trying fill an emptiness inside him. Raising his head, he saw that Connor was crying, lying on Oliver’s chest.

O: Connor? Are you alright?

C: O… Oli …Oliver… please…. forgive me.

Oliver laid him facing his side. He hugged him and rested Connor's head in the space between his shoulder and his neck. That young, confident and manly seductive Connor who attracted him in that bar the first time they met, now was vulnerable and wounded, with his soul exposed and not just his body like that time.

O: It’s okay,  it’s okay, I got you, I'm here.

C: Oliver, it's just… I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not sure about this anymore.

O: It's post-traumatic stress Connor, it's normal to have it. I had it too in a certain way, but I think that maybe it doesn't compare to what you after everything you've been through.

C: Umm yes, but I was referring to something else.

O: What are you talking about?

C: It's just that I don't know if what we're doing is correct.

Oliver turned him on his side so he could look at his face.

O: What do you mean?

C: Well…. this.

O: Our…marriage? Our relationship?

C:…

O: The sex?

C: I don't know Oliver…. maybe.

O: Are you being abused here in prison?

C: No.

O: So?

C: It's just… oh Oliver, you're going to hate me for this.

O: Is there anyone else?

C: No.

O: Do you have any disease?

C : No.

O: So what's up Connor? You are scaring me!

C: It's just... Oliver, you know me, you know how I lived before I met you. Even after I met you.

O: Yes I know, and I have never judged you for it. Remember that we even wanted to have a threesome once.

C: Well, I think I need to do a slowdown.

Or: Hmm ok but what do you exactly mean by a slowdown?

C: It's just… ahhhhh …… I just don't know how to explain it to you.

O:…

C: Look, it's just that... when I was in the hospital... I talked to a priest... a catholic priest.

O: Oh no Connor…

C: Oliver listen to me…

O: I listen...

C: And well…. he made me think…. of many things.

O: Like what?

C: Well… things… and…. my head is full right now.

O: Did he told you that all of this was all your fault for being gay?

C: What? No.

O: Did he told you that you should become straight?

C: No…

O: Do you want to leave me?

C: What?! No, of course not, Oliver.

O: Did he tell you that you have to leave me?

C: No, not even that, no.

Or: So?

C: I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK. I...I... I don't know…

Saying that, Connor started crying and lied down next to Oliver, hugging him.

C: The only thing that I do know and I'm sure about is that I love you, and I want to learn to love you better. That’s the only thing I’m sure about.

C: "Even if that means... crucifying my love."

That last phrase, Connor said it to himself in his mind.

"You must protect him even from his worst instincts."

"God, if you're there and you don't hate me, please save Connor."

Oliver remembered those two things, the first said by Connor's father to him at their wedding and the second said by himself at the hospital. And he asked himself (and maybe to God) what should he do to help Connor be okay.

They stayed lying next to each other just hugging themselves half naked, when suddenly they heard the door knock twice.

Chapter Text

We run 'til it's gone
Et les fleurs du mal
Won't let you be
You hold the key to an open door
Will I ever be free?

Fleurs du Mal – Sarah Brightman

“Connor just tried to kill himself in jail. I'm telling you just so you know." It was the message he received from Oliver one early morning. If she was still not over Frank and Bonnie's death, hearing this filled her with more guilt, which made her turn to alcohol a bit. He didn't reply to Oliver's message but using her contacts she managed to find out that Connor had survived his suicide attempt.

A few weeks had passed, and Annalise finally did what she wanted to do, she picked up the phone, searched for Oliver's contact and dialed, to her surprise, he answered almost immediately.

O: hello?

A: Hello Oliver.

O:…Hi…

A: How is he?

O: He´s recovering.

A: I'm glad to hear that.

O: Glad? After he's there because of you because you fled to Mexico and he had no choice but to accept the FBI's deals? After everything you put him through? There are 4 people dead because of you. I don't know how you're not in jail for everyone's death!

A: Hey, I remind you that Connor wanted to transfer to Stanford University and you stopped him. And you yourself came to ask me to give you a job because your life was very boring. And don't think it's too easy for me to come up with the idea of Connor tearing Sam's body to pieces.

Oliver had completely forgotten about Stanford, which made him bit his lip.

O: Why did you called me?

A: Why did you tell me about Connor the night it happened?

O: I… I…

A: Look Oliver, we all need to make up for everything that's happened. I want to try to do something to get Connor out of jail.

O: I doubt you'll be able to convince him, and by the way. I have a feeling he's getting religious.

A: Wow, that would be weird. But could we blame him for that?

O: Maybe not, but I'm afraid he wants to leave me.

Saying that, Annalise felt Oliver's voice crack slightly.

A: I want to go try and talk to him.

O: Good luck with that.

Annalise made an appointment to go talk to Connor. Connor hesitated on whether to accept the appointment, but he accepted it.

A: Hi Connor.

C: Hi Annalise.

A: Before saying something. Is there something you want to complain about me? I’ve getting lots of that.

C: No, I'm tired of doing that. I want to move on.

A: I also want to move on. And look, this might not make any difference to how you feel, but really, and you know I'm not the type to say sorry, but I'm really sorry about all of this. I'm sorry for everything that happened, how it all ended, and there are no words that could repair for the lives that have already been lost. You truly are the least deserving of all of us to die.

C: No, Annalise, it's you who should forgive me, for accepting the deal to frame you in court for something you didn't do, that's why I'm paying here, for everything, even that last lie.

A: Connor, I only want to do one thing for you, if you want it to be the last. I want to try to get you out of here.

C: I had one last chance to avoid being here and I didn't take it. Why would I want to go out now?

A: You have a husband who loves you, who waits for you and who suffers every day that you are here.

Connor starting to cry said:

C: And I killed your husband! And I tried to blame you! How can you really have consideration for me? I feel sick and disgusted with myself. I feel like I'm Jeffrey Dahmer. I love Oliver but still feel like I don't deserve him, I hurt him and I'm still hurting him.

A: Connor, Connor! I'll tell you the same thing I told Wes. Sam was not a good person, Sam was sick, Sam fooled us all. What you did you didn't do out of evil but to survive. Listen to me, you are not Jeffrey Dahmer, never say that. If anything, Sam was more like that monster than you. Please don't reduce yourself to that. You, like all of us, have the opportunity to redeem ourselves and you have the right to live a happy life, to love and be loved. And yes, sometimes loving means suffering for the loved one.

C: And how do you plan to help me get out of here?

A: The same way we were about to get Nate's dad out. I can ask Tegan to represent you so it doesn't seem conflicting that I'm trying to defend my ex-husband's alleged murderer. Maybe if we don't get you out right away, we can at least reduce your sentence.

C: But Annalise, I already confessed that I did. How are we going to say I didn't do it?

A: You will tell the truth, that you were pressured by the FBI to say something that what they really wanted was to hurt me. Which considering how evident they were after everything that happened and the fact that I defeated them in court, it will not be difficult to prove.

C: More lies?

A: Connor, rotting in jail isn't exactly the idea of redemption. In case you don't remember, I was also here.

C: Why did you choose me?

A: Again with that?

C: It was because you knew I would be a good liar right? Tell me now!

A: It was Bonnie who chose you.

C: But you knew that the reason she chose me was a lie.

A: Look Connor, that doesn't matter anymore. Stop thinking about the past, focus on what is happening now and on your future.

C: What future can I have, after all this?

A: Of course you can have a future, and if you mean work, I can support you in that.

C: Why would you do something like that for me?

A: Because it's what I always do. I supported you guys from the beginning and I will continue to support them no matter what.

C: Why?

A: Because I care for you Connor!

There was an awkward silence for both of them.

A: Yes Connor, I care for you, I care for the 5 of you, Oliver, Bonnie, Frank and of course Christopher. Already losing Wes, Asher, Bonnie and Frank has been pretty painful. Losing you would end up devastating me, and of course Oliver.

C: What happened to Laurel and Michaela ?

A: Laurel is living alone with Christopher, I keep in touch with her and sometimes I visit her and help her with Christopher but she no longer works with me, she works for a corporate. Michaela went to work with her dad, I don’t have any contact with her.

C: I see.

A: And how is it that you are becoming religious?

C: Who told you that?

A: Oliver mentioned something to me.

C: It's not true, I'm just thinking things.

A: Well, as you know I grew up in the Bible belt, and the only thing I'm going to tell you is that I don't want to know that you tried to commit suicide again but now for conversion therapy or something like that, ok?

C: No Annalise, (laughs) rest assured I won't fall for that.