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Buffy had thought she knew what it was like to lose someone before today, but she had never been more wrong. The three times she had lost Angel were nothing like this, but of course, he wasn’t really dead. Technically, he actually was, but not like her mother. She was just gone.
It was all Buffy could do to hold herself together. She felt so numb inside – a great black hole was forming inside her empty chest and threatening to swallow her whole.
This one day felt like it had lasted a century, but it was finally over. Almost. Buffy had left the morgue, alone as she always seemed to be, and came home to a dark and empty house. Her sister had opted to stay at the UC Sunnydale dorms with Willow and Tara. She was at least partially glad to be alone.
She missed her mom. Terribly. She didn’t know how she was supposed to move on, but she had to… for Dawn. She hoped that her sister was doing okay. She was sure that Willow and Tara were doing their best to help her, but she also knew that it was going to be difficult, if not totally impossible, for the both of them. Buffy sighed, at least she had tonight to herself; she didn’t need Dawn to see her crying.
She walked outside onto the back porch and leaned against the railing, exhaling a long stream of air; a breath she felt like she’d been holding since she found her mom’s body, maybe even since her mom was sick.
It really was over now, but in the worst way. She had to learn how to start again, how to be this new version of herself that had lost so much. She looked out into the darkness and the quiet of Revello Drive; this was her life and she was so used to being right here— in the darkening night.
She closed her eyes and bent her head, chin to her chest, trying to forget all the things that were hurting her.
***
Spike had been lurking around the Summers’ house a lot lately. Ever since he and Buffy had sat on the porch together and she eventually admitted that her mother was sick. She had uninvited him after the confrontation with Drusilla, but something kept drawing him to her.
So he kept circling the block, waiting in her yard, cloaked in darkness and shadows just hoping for another opportunity to talk to her.
He told her that he knew his feelings were wrong, but he still felt them and they consumed him. Since she had shut the door in his face, he had realized his mistakes, but continued to make new and different ones.
Nerdboy was making him a girl, a slayer… Buffy. He couldn’t have her and he never would, but maybe the Buffybot could be enough to satisfy him. Maybe she could keep his mind off the real thing…Maybe.
Until then, he was here outside her house…again.
***
The shadows shifted and Buffy heard him walking towards her. He was always nearby. “Spike,” she greeted him, barely audible and not looking up to meet his piercing gaze. “I really don’t think I can do this tonight. It’s not… a good time,” she admitted, sniffling.
“Slayer,” he sounded concerned. He had been concerned for her a lot lately. “Did something happen? Do you need anything?” He asked, parking himself next to her, always in her shadow.
Buffy turned to finally look at him. She shook her head afraid to speak.
He took a step towards her, cautiously. “Are you okay?” His features softened even more as he looked at her. It was almost unexpected.
“Not really. No,” She said, her voice small. It nearly cracked and she sunk down to sit on the porch steps, crawling inside herself to hide her tears. It was difficult to do that with Spike around. He always seemed to know what she really felt.
“You don’t have to tell me,” he said, “but I’m here. I’ll listen.”
“Um…” Buffy struggled to form the words. “My mom died.”
Spike exhaled through his nose and his mouth was a hard line. “I’m sorry, Buffy… She was a good woman, and she always treated me well,” he paused before saying, ”I know that it hurts.” He wasn’t sure what else to say, but he sat down beside her and reached for her hand.
Despite herself, she let him, her fingers sliding between his like they were always meant to interlock. It was good to have something, someone, to hold on to. She was just grateful he was there and that she wasn’t really alone. “I really miss her and… I don’t know how to do anything, especially take care of Dawn,” Buffy said, her vocal cords getting tighter as she continued to struggle to hold back tears. She swallowed the lump growing in her throat and squeezed Spike’s hand tightly, afraid if she let go… she’d just disappear.
Spike leaned closer to her, “It’s only day one, Pet. Don’t worry about that. You’ll learn. It will come… with time and practice,” he explained, hoping that his words helped, even if it was just a little bit.
“I have to worry about that. She’s my sister and just a kid. I have to take care of her, of us…,” She told him, “If I already feel like I’m drowning, I can’t imagine how she feels. I’m completely losing it and the panic really is starting to sink in.” Buffy put her face in her hands feeling like she wanted to scream. The street was so still this time of night, it would probably cause a problem.
“Buffy,” Spike said, turning his body to look at her. He felt her hand in his, holding on for dear life, and all he wanted in that moment was to find the words to save her. “It’s okay to slow down for a minute. For as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been able to handle everything you’ve come up against. Every single thing….and I know this seems impossible, but what you need has always been inside you. I can see it, I’ve always seen it. If you just breathe and take a step back… stop overthinking and just let it happen, you’ll get through it. One day at a time. I believe that, and I believe in you.”
She stared at him as he looked at her and she could see his love, so clearly written on his face. She needed to hear that, needed to internalize it. Spike always seemed to understand every piece of her, the things that she didn’t really even understand about herself. It was kind of annoying, but also endearing. Buffy felt seen and that was rare. Angel and Riley never understood her, not really and Faith understood the slayer, but never just her, Buffy.
“Thanks, Spike. I know that it only feels overwhelming now, but I guess it’s like I’m looking out into the darkness and for the first time, I can’t see any light and that’s an awful thing to feel.”
Spike nodded. “You know, as a resident creature of the darkness, my advice is you should trust yourself. You are the light in the darkness, Buffy. You’ve been my light anyways…for a while now.”
Buffy smiled just a little for the first time in a long time. She hated sometimes that he could do that… say exactly the thing she needed. “That is extremely cheesy, but actually sweet and you might be right; I have to be the light that I need,” Buffy stated defiantly, trying to prove to herself that she could in fact be the light that she needed.
“That’s not what I said,” Spike corrected. “You don’t have to be anything. You are the light, it’s already inside you. You shine, Buffy.”
She blinked at him and scrunched her nose. “Doesn’t feel like it lately, to be honest. I feel like I’ve been snuffed out, hidden under a bushel and all that.”
Spike frowned, “I can still see you, Slayer. Your light’s not gone, just dimmed. Give yourself time…to grieve and to heal. You’re going to be just fine.” He promised her. “Just don’t pretend to be okay. No one needs you to pretend, they need you to feel what you need to feel and they’ll be around to help out when you’re ready.”
“I know,” Buffy tried to agree but it was half-hearted. It had been a long, hard day. She sighed, “I should go. I gotta get ready for whatever the hellmouth wants to throw at me tomorrow,” she said to him, gently pulling her hand away from his and standing up. He followed her lead and stood beside her, readying himself to head back into the darkness.
“Get some sleep, Slayer. You’ll need it,” he said, before turning to go, “and remember, you’re not as alone as you think.”
“Yeah…” She agreed, a half-smile playing on her lips. “Thanks again, Spike. You always say the right thing, even when I’m not ready to hear it.”
“Whatever you need, Love,” Spike told her and gave her one last look, full of longing. “You know where to find me”
She stood on her doorstep and watched him, an invisible barrier between them. Their eyes locked for a moment before he turned to go. The space between them seemed to stretch infinitely, but it was still the closest she’d felt to anyone for a long time.
A small, lonely part of her craved him, but it was a part that she needed to ignore. For now, at least. “Goodbye, Spike,” she said to the silent night air, closing the door.