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Once upon a time, in a tower cleverly hidden through a small tunnel behind a thick curtain of vines, lived a mighty sorcerer known as The Serpent. He was tall, slim, handsome, and– oh, is apparently quite good at doing weird things with his tongue (don't ask me why I added in that detail). His wardrobe consisted mainly of black clothing to quote unquote "match his soul", with a long, hooded cloak to complete the ensemble because he liked how it made him look more mysterious and menacing. His long auburn hair framed his face nicely as it went well past his shoulders, and ah, can't forget to mention his amber colored serpentine eyes which he considered to be his second most defining feature.
His number one defining feature being that he was very, very lonely.
But meh, who needed company anyway?
And it wasn't like he was alone alone. Sure, he was all by himself in his tower, but that didn't mean he couldn't go out and about to pester people with his presence. In fact, he often went up to the kingdom a few miles away from his secluded home to cause trouble– nothing life-threatening, of course. He hated hurting people. So a minor inconvenience here and there was enough to satisfy his itch for chaos.
That, and being able to 'kidnap' the cute prince of the kingdom whenever he pleased.
And if you're wondering why he could do that, the story behind it went like this:
During one fateful night, the prince had snuck out of the castle in a rush to avoid attending the ball his eldest brother, King Gabriel, had thrown for himself. But as he was tiptoeing his way towards the gates, he accidentally collided with a darkly clothed figure and shrieked loud enough to alarm the guards.
"Oh, bugger," The prince swore under his breath, then lifted his head up to glare at the person who had sabotaged his escape.
Wide amber eyes stared back at a pale blue pair in surprise.
The prince immediately recognized the stranger as the wily sorcerer who liked to cause trouble in the village.
"You!" He exclaimed with an accusing finger.
"Me??" The other responded questioningly, pointing at himself.
The prince could already hear the rushing footsteps of guards heading their way, but why should he give up now when he's come this far? Especially when an opportunity to get the fuck out of there has presented itself right in front of him.
"I need you to pretend to kidnap me," He said as if it was a normal day-to-day request.
"You want me to what??"
"I said, I need you to pretend to kidnap me." The prince reiterated with a slight annoyance to his tone, "I am frankly quite tired of listening to my brother's gloating, and would prefer to be anywhere but in there," He gestured to the castle, "so, if you could just whisk me away to a quieter place for about an hour or two, I'd very much appreciate it."
The sorcerer stared at the prince, dumbfounded.
Who does this little prince think he is??
"Oi! Get away from His Highness!"
The prince flinched and deliberately ignored the authoritative voice as he looked up at the sorcerer with pretty pleading eyes and cute pouty lips.
"Please…"
Well, who could say no to that face?
Taking down his hood, the sorcerer stepped in front of the prince with an air of power and confidence as he came face-to-face with three royal guards.
"It's the Serpent!" One guard shouted in anger, "what do you want with the prince?!"
The sorcerer shrugged coolly, "nothing, really."
Another guard spoke up, "Hand him over at once, foul fiend!"
"Mmm yeah how about no?" With a sly grin, the sorcerer smashed a small vial in front of the guards, the content exploding into a thick wall of red smoke.
"Come along then, your Highness." He whispered into the prince's ear before picking him up bridal style, summoning his wings out, and taking off into the night sky.
After that, the rest was history.
The two unlikely friends came to an arrangement of sorts after that one fateful night, seeing as one despised being trapped inside his castle's walls, and the other got inexplicably bored a lot. They figured it would do no harm if they staged random kidnappings of the prince, so long as he came back in one piece. The sorcerer was known to cause mischief, after all, and no one would really question his intentions or motives, too afraid that they'd be turned into aardvarks.
In a way, it worked as a sort of damsel in distress rescue. Except the blonde headed prince was no frail damsel. He was a soft pampered royal who could be incredibly demanding and fussy when he wasn't around his siblings, but he was also kind and intelligent and so infuriatingly cute, the sorcerer was tempted to shrink him and keep him in his pocket, so that when he was sad, he would always have a precious little cherub on his person ready to brighten his day with a simple smile.
But anyway, let's get to the actual plot of this story, shall we?
The pretty prince Aziraphale sighed in relief as he's set down by his sexy sorcerer savior Crowley back on his feet. The latter had just saved him from the most terrible tea time with his annoying siblings.
"Alright, what were those wankers discussing that made you so upset you needed rescuing?" asked the sorcerer.
The prince pouted and crossed his arms with a huff, "They want to marry me off to some random bloke I've never even met!"
"Oh? What for?"
"An alliance of sorts, but I'm quite sure they only wish to be rid of me." Aziraphale muttered the last part, eyes downcast, "However I, for one, will not stand for their atrocious mistreatment of me any longer!" He stomped his foot down to make his point, then proceeded to give Crowley his signature puppy eyes. "My dear please, you have to help me…"
Damn this bastard and his ridiculously adorable face…
Crowley let out an exasperated sigh, "Well, what do you expect me to do?? I can't bloody kidnap you from another kingdom on your wedding day!"
"Crowley, I don't even wish to be married!" Not unless it's to you, you oblivious fool. Aziraphale thought, but decided not to say aloud. He's given the red-haired sorcerer more than enough clues that he fancied him over the few months they've been acquainted, but ugh, the blessed idiot just couldn't take a hint!
Of course he could always just tell Crowley that he liked him, but the poor prince feared the possibility of being rejected. No no no, there must be another way to get the sorcerer to realize his feelings for him while also avoiding a miserable marriage to someone who wasn't his true love.
True love…
Oh! That's it!
Aziraphale grinned mischievously as he approached the tall redhead, watching as the sorcerer gulped as he found himself cornered by the less than threatening blonde.
"Tell me, my dear… do you believe in true love's kiss?"
______
"For someone so clever, you are being so incredibly stupid right now."
The young prince ignored his magical friend in favor of admiring the red, shiny fruit he now held in the palm of his hands.
"Oh, it looks positively delicious!"
"Yes, and one single bite from it can make you nap for over a century! Maybe even more! Listen angel, perhaps we can find another way to–"
Aziraphale waved a dismissive hand at the sorcerer, "no, this is perfect."
He had taken inspiration from one of his fairytale books, since all the main characters in their stories ended up with their love interests in the end – he hoped his plan would work for himself. Crowley couldn't be that dense, right?
"What if your 'true love' never finds you, hmm?"
"I'm sure he already has, my dear."
Crowley scoffed, "that's preposterous."
Okay, perhaps Aziraphale might be a goner, but he was willing to take that risk.
With a tempting love like that? How could he resist?
______
Of course, knowing Crowley and his overly dramatic flash bastard ass, he simply couldn't pass up the opportunity to make a show out of 'cursing' his dear friend right in front of his siblings.
He even had the evil green and purple smoke and everything.
"Oh for the love of– in the middle of my afternoon tea, too!" Gabriel groaned loudly and dropped his head in his hands, "Just take him and go! But be sure to get him back by dinner. He's meant to meet with his fiancé from the kingdom of–"
"Actually!" The sorcerer cut him off mid-sentence, "I have come to do something far worse than kidnapping!"
"You're not going to lock him up in a tower, are you?" Michael, one of Aziraphale's older siblings, said with a hint of sarcasm in their tone.
"No–"
"Turn him into an aardvark?" Uriel piped up.
"No, I'm–"
"Get rid of his pornography collection?"
Everyone turned to the second youngest prince, Sandalphon, in confusion. Aziraphale slowly sank under the table, mortified. It wasn't his fault that several of the romance novels he owned contained so many intimate scenes! They weren't even that good! Or perhaps that was just Aziraphale's asexual ass talking…
Anyway!
"Prince Aziraphale, show yourself!" Crowley bellowed with a demanding voice. There was a surprised squeak, then a thud, followed by a quiet "ow" from under the table. The young prince later emerged from his hiding spot rubbing his temple. The sorcerer felt bad, but he had an act to keep up.
"What do you want, foul fiend?" Aziraphale hissed.
"Step forward and you'll see, your Highness." Crowley even had the fucking audacity to wink. Aziraphale had to resist the urge to roll his eyes as he reluctantly acquiesced.
The other royals watched as their youngest brother approached the red-haired sorcerer, the latter smirking as the prince came to stand in front of him, clearly unamused by his friend's overly dramatic act.
"Prince Aziraphale of the Kingdom of Haven, I come to you bearing… a gift." Crowley pulled out the cursed apple from under his cloak and presented it to the prince. Aziraphale, being the bastard that he was, brushed their fingers together as he took the shiny red fruit from him, the brief skin-to-skin contact causing the sorcerer to momentarily malfunction.
"You came here to hand Aziraphale an apple??" Gabriel's annoying voice snapped Crowley out of his gay panic.
"Not just any apple, King Gabriel. Aziraphale, take a bite."
And the prince did.
And for a moment, nothing happened.
But then his eyelids felt heavy, and his head felt fuzzy, and next thing he knew… he was falling.
Crowley muttered a quick spell to soften Aziraphale's fall, before turning to the prince's shocked siblings. They all gawked speechlessly at the unconscious form of their brother until…
"Looks like the alliance is off." Gabriel spoke and shook his head with a click of his tongue, his other siblings joining him in his disappointment.
"...wha–"
Crowley couldn't believe this. Aziraphale had just collapsed to the floor – practically dead with the circumstances he's put himself into, and yet, the royal jerks were more concerned about a bloody alliance than their own fucking brother.
It made Crowley furious.
"Aren't you at least going to try and save him?!" The sorcerer shouted angrily.
"Why waste our energy?" said Michael nonchalantly, "Besides, he's less of a bother that way. Frankly, you did us quite the favor."
Oh that was it.
That was the final straw.
"In that case, let me do you pathetic wankers one more favor."
Powerful magic crackled and glowed between Crowley's fingertips, his loathing for the royal siblings pushing him to cast more than just a small inconvenience on them. No, they deserved something far worse. Their awful treatment towards the young blonde prince shan't go unpunished.
All of a sudden the lights dimmed, the temperature dropped, and a furious sorcerer hovered above the white tiled floor with glowing amber eyes and large black wings.
"H-hold on a minute! You can't turn us into aardvarks!" Gabriel protested, "As King, I order you to leave this castle immediately and spare us from your ridiculous acts of sorcery!"
"Why, your majesty," Crowley voiced mockingly, his slips curving into a wicked smirk , "where would the fun be in that?"
The royal siblings gasped and cowered in fear as the powerful sorcerer cornered them on the open balcony. Storm clouds thundered in the distance as the sky grew grayer and darker with each passing second.
"You're not going to kill us, are you?!" Sandalphon shouted over the harsh blowing of the wind.
Crowley snickered as he lifted up a hand, his palm and fingers pulsating with crackling red energy, "I would enjoy that very much, actually." But then his eyes caught sight of Aziraphale's crumpled form, and despite how much he wanted to go through with his initial plan, he decided against it.
He was an evil sorcerer, yes.
But he was no killer.
Besides, he's now thought of a far better punishment that didn't involve death.
Not all the way, at least.
"I am going to turn you royal pricks into what you really are."
The siblings looked at each other in confusion.
"And what would that be?"
Crowley readied his hands, "you believe yourselves to be angels of this land, then angels you shall be."
A flicker of hope crossed the royals' eyes.
"Really?"
Crowley nodded as his magic swirled around the siblings. Four pairs of white wings sprouted from each of their backs, but then…
"Only… angels have pure hearts, and you clearly do not."
Gabriel screamed in horror as his arms begun to stiffen.
"No, your hearts are cold, hard, and unchanging… like stone."
Michael, Uriel, and Sandalphon join their brother in his agonized cries, their bodies becoming solid and heavy.
"You should be ashamed of yourselves!" The sorcerer huffed, "The only hope for this land has always been right there in front of you, but you never cared enough to see him as anything more than an alliance opportunity." Crowley shook his head, "No matter now, as I'll make sure you never get to look at him again. God Almighty knows you don't deserve to."
With one more wave of his hand, Crowley watched as each sibling began to lift up their hands, fully covering their eyes along with most of their face.
Then it was silent.
Crowley gasped as he stumbled to regain his footing once his feet were back on the ground, and without a second thought, he hurried to kneel by the sleeping prince's side, carefully bringing Aziraphale into his arms and holding him close to his chest.
"I'm so sorry, Aziraphale." He sobbed quietly, burying his face in the prince's soft blonde curls, "I promise I'll– I'll find your true love! Even if it will hurt knowing that your true love isn't–... isn't…"
Oh, you cheeky little angel…
"Me?" Crowley exhaled, as he ignored his racing heart in favor of lightly pressing his lips to Aziraphale's and–
"Who else could it have been, you silly old sorcerer?"
Crowley almost broke down into tears again as he looked down to see a very much awake Aziraphale smiling back up at him with so much love and adoration in his eyes.
"Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Now where would the fun be in that?"
The two couldn't help it and promptly burst into laughter, their faces mere inches from one another as relieved tears trickled down Crowley's face. Once they had calmed down, Aziraphale lifted up a hand to gently wipe away the tears.
And because it was so tempting, he pulled Crowley in for another kiss.
"Would you be amenable to whisking me away from here, darling?"
"For you, angel? Anything."
And they lived ineffably ever after.
End.