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You stare at yourself in the mirror. You stare some more.
It’s been a little over a week since you arrived on the meteor with the others. After an incredibly tumultuous game session, you had arrived at what you thought would be the Green Sun. Of course, the wool had been unceremoniously slapped over your eyes, and you and your brother ended up perishing in fiery oblivion together.
As you felt all your particles unknit, everything went still. Then, almost silently, the universe asked a question of you.
Who do you want to be?
Naturally, you had an answer. You’ve wanted to be a girl since you were 8. Perhaps even before. You had worked years to become a woman, and you had kept the fact that you weren’t always one from all but one of your closest friends. So obviously, when the universe asked, you had an exact answer in mind. The exact body you wanted. Mostly the same genetics, save for a swapped chromosome at birth. A few extra stipulations in case something went wrong and you still didn’t look quite like you wanted to, not exactly like the vision you had in your mind for what Rose Lalonde should look like. And when your particles joined together once more, you felt it, the new body you had wanted for years and years was finally gifted to you.
The same body you stare at now in the mirror, with the terrible feeling that something is wrong.
You run your fingers over your face. Smooth brow, cute nose. The mark under your eye which won’t go away, protruding veins in the shape of a dark sun. That’s bothering you for a different reason. Is it your cheekbones? No, that’s stupid, you most certainly aren’t getting yourself in an existential panic over some goddamn cheekbones. You prod and pick at your face until the pores start to go red. It isn’t anything there. You’ve done a similar investigation over your entire form, poring over every inch of yourself for the source of dissatisfaction. But for all your searching, all you can say is that you look exactly how you wanted, and there’s something wrong with you.
Psychologically speaking, of course. No doubt some early onset of a dysmorphic disorder, though you haven’t been dipping into your psychology textbooks as of late. This latent uneasiness and the fascinating array of psyches aboard this ship have given you plenty to obsess over. Frankly, Freud can wait.
You stumble out of the bathroom, feeling a little disconnected to your own body. That hasn’t happened in a while, the days when you would feel like you were just pulling the strings that make the puppet that is your corpus dance. You just need to get a walk, or find a nice corner to curl up in, and then after a few hours your soul should nestle itself back down in your bones.
You make your way over to a small alcove you set out for yourself early into the trip. You alchemized a few bookshelves and cushion piles to fabricate the ideal place to sit and relax. It occurs to you that despite the emphasis on building in Sburb, you never had the pleasure of any intricate design. No libraries, no ballrooms, not even a goddamned wizard’s tower. Just infinite, tumorous growth sprawling out into the heavens like the game’s titular suburbs. But here, with practically infinite empty and unused rooms, either populated by doomed experiments or the belongings of trolls long dead, there’s an opportunity to make your own space. Thus, your own private scholar’s sanctum. And best of all, it’s completely hidden from the view of anyone else.
However, as soon as you move aside the violet curtains obscuring your book nook from view, you find a very surprised troll curled up in YOUR spot, reading one of YOUR books. Kanaya makes a (frankly kind of cute) noise that sounds halfway between a squeak and a chirp. The particular troll vocal lilt is something that has fascinated you, the way their voices almost flow musically to some unknown tune. Kanaya’s sounds like wind passing through a desert reed, a little bit willowy and haunting.
KANAYA: Ah
KANAYA: Hello Rose
She immediately straightens up, getting up from what looked like a very comfortable position.
KANAYA: Sorry I Just Discovered This Adorable Little Place A Few Days Ago
KANAYA: I Was Unaware That Anyone Else Had Knowledge Of It And Wanted To Make Use
ROSE: Well, maybe you should have taken a closer look at the décor.
KANAYA: You Know
KANAYA: It Really Is Just Now Occurring To Me That The Color Scheme Here Is Awfully Purple
KANAYA: And That Probably Implies That This Was Not Some Beautiful Little Alcove Born Out Of The Ether To Bless Some People Who Just Want Some Peace And Quiet
KANAYA: But Instead Probably Your Place Of Respite Which I Am Disturbing
ROSE: Yes, it would be the latter one.
You… suppose you don’t mind her being in here. It would be awfully rude to kick her out, after all. Which would be the only reason you would want to keep her in close proximity to yourself.
KANAYA: Yeah That Makes A Lot More Sense Now
KANAYA: I Can Leave If Youd Like
ROSE: No, it’s quite fine. There’s room for two in here, as long as you don’t let anyone else know.
ROSE: It can be our little secret.
KANAYA: Ah
KANAYA: Of Course
She lets out a small smile at that, and scooches over on the cushions to allow you room. You select some volume from the shelf, though if you’re honest, you just picked the first thing that came to hand because you are a still little bit nervous around Ms. Maryam. You still have an appearance to keep up, after all, and hesitating in one’s choice of literary entertainment would hardly send the right message to her.
She doesn’t really appear to notice, going back to her book for a moment. You too allow yourself to relax back into what appears to be the last book in a series you’ve only just started. Dammit. You are getting incredibly spoiled, but you’ll be damned if you take it back now.
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Rose
KANAYA: Are You Okay
ROSE: Yes? Why wouldn’t I be.
KANAYA: Your Face Is Bleeding
You drag a finger along your face, and it comes back with a few rusty smears of blood. Seems worrying your face that much had some minor consequences.
ROSE: Oh. Don’t worry about that, just a minor cosmetic issue.
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Okay Are You Sure
KANAYA: Actually Most Of Your Face Looks Fairly Irritated
You’re extremely tempted to tell her to stop meddling, hell, to get out of your nook! Also, maybe you should also stop calling it that, considering the amount of alien vocabulary you’ve been picking up lately, though you suppose the phrase might actually be quite apt in analogy.
However, you know that Kanaya is also trans. After the Dress-Up Incident with June, you both know that you’re trans. You haven’t talked to her about it. Frankly, she just seemed so sure of herself, so beautiful and poised all the time, that you were intimidated. Like you’d make a fool of yourself in front of the only other transfem you’ve ever met.
Maybe, just maybe, she could help you.
ROSE: …
ROSE: You never went god-tier, correct?
KANAYA: No I Did Not
KANAYA: I Had Neither The Opportunity Nor The Inclination Do So Such A Thing
KANAYA: I Have Been Curious As To What Its Like
ROSE: Well, I’ve been having some… call them growing pains, when it comes to adjusting to godhood.
ROSE: The first is, well.
ROSE: When I became a God-Tier, in the moment after death and before rebirth, I was given a choice as to what I wanted my new body to look like.
ROSE: I decided to make myself look as if I had been born naturally female.
KANAYA: Ah
KANAYA: You Know I Did Actually Know That Was A Possibility
ROSE: Really?
ROSE: That is… oddly specific.
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: Vriska Went God Tier
ROSE: Ah, I see.
ROSE: She was trans too, I take it?
KANAYA: Yes
KANAYA: Her Transformation Was Quite Dramatic I Have To Say
KANAYA: Not That I Was Talking To Her A Lot At The Time
ROSE: As a result of spurned feelings, I take it?
KANAYA: How
KANAYA: Never Mind That Is Not Important But
KANAYA: The Changes Became Apparent Fairly Quickly
KANAYA: Not Just The Fact That Her Arm And Eye Grew Back
KANAYA: And Much Of Her Accumulated Scar Tissue Was Removed
KANAYA: But Her Figure Did Have A Decidedly More Feminine Cut
ROSE: Do you find yourself contemplating the figures of women often?
She shoots you a petulant little glare, then huffs out, continuing.
KANAYA: Considering That She Did At One Point Ask Me To “Check Out Her New Knockers”
KANAYA: I Dont Think I Had Much Of A Choice
KANAYA: Anyways
KANAYA: I Did Notice Some Changes From When I Was Observing You When Compared To Our In-Person Meetings
KANAYA: But I Chalked All That Up To Low-Quality Video Software
KANAYA: It Was Hard To See You In More Than Like 650x450 Or Some Such Nonsense
ROSE: Well, there you go. The reason is that I changed myself by God-Tiering.
ROSE: So, which side looked better, in your opinion?
Kanaya shrugs.
KANAYA: You Looked Fine At Both Times To Me
The noncommittal answer of a coward. Alright, time to get personal.
ROSE: Well, to the point then.
ROSE: I wished myself the exact body I wanted, and for some reason…
ROSE: I’m still not happy with it.
Kanaya simply sits quietly for a moment.
KANAYA: Okay
KANAYA: Are You Sure Its Not Another Thing
KANAYA: It Has Been An Incredibly Tumultuous Few Weeks
KANAYA: Your Emotions Could Still Be Running High From The Various Stressors You Have Been Put Through
ROSE: I assure you, this is the source. I’ve pinpointed every other aspect of myself, and I’ve found out I’m relatively mentally healthy.
KANAYA: That Seems Entirely Reasonable
KANAYA: Just Looking At Your Own Brain And Saying That You’re Fine
KANAYA: Why Do Therapy At All
ROSE: No need to get sarcastic.
ROSE: Good job on that by the way, nice tone.
KANAYA: Thank You
KANAYA: I Have Been Practicing
ROSE: But I am fairly certain that nothing that simple is the cause. I’ve also checked my hormone levels, and everything is relatively stable, so it’s likely not anything menstrual as of yet. I’m not sure if or when I’ll even begin to get those.
KANAYA: Whats That
ROSE: It’s a process that occurs with the human reproductive cycle in which the body vents blood and tissue from the uterus.
KANAYA: I See
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Awkward Question But Would You Mind Telling Me Before That Occurs
ROSE: Why? Afraid you’ll go into a drinker frenzy at the scent of so much blood?
KANAYA: I
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: Shouldnt
KANAYA: Be Doing That
KANAYA: Since I Have Gotten A Steady Supply Of Blood Lately It Should Be Hard To Trigger A Frenzy
KANAYA: It Would Just Be Nice To Know
ROSE: That’s lovely to hear. I haven’t even told you where the blood comes from.
KANAYA: And Please Do Not Tell Me For The Love Of The Mother Grub
KANAYA: But To Continue
KANAYA: Everything Is As You Wanted But You Still Feel Unsatisfied With The Result
KANAYA: It Could Just Be A Natural Thing You Know
KANAYA: Everyone Has Parts Of Their Bodies They Are Not Happy With
ROSE: Not this one. I’ve checked. On paper, this body is perfect.
KANAYA: Okay
KANAYA: Is It
KANAYA: Related To You Being Trans
ROSE: What, the fact that I, someone who was designated male at birth, decided to form for herself a woman’s body? What gave you that idea?
KANAYA: Alright Smart Ass
KANAYA: What I Meant Was
KANAYA: Your Body Is Effectively Cis
KANAYA: But Do You Still Hold Onto Your Identity As A Trans Woman
ROSE: Yes, why would I not?
ROSE: Gender, and the concepts of cis and trans are, after all, socially constructed. No matter how far I go, I still, at one point, had certain traits that would have designated me as male.
KANAYA: Alright
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: Is There Anything You Miss About Your Old Body
KANAYA: You Can Like Your New One And Still Feel Conflicted About It
ROSE: I… can’t think of anything in particular.
ROSE: This one is an improvement in practically every way.
KANAYA: But You Chose This Body For A Reason
KANAYA: Yes The Concepts Of Cis And Trans Are Socially Constructed
KANAYA: But
KANAYA: You Still Chose A Body Typically Assigned To Cis Women
KANAYA: You Did That For A Reason Did You Not
Well, of course you did it for a reason! What young trans girl doesn’t dream about waking up in a body that is the correct gender, the correct features, the correct biology?
Yes, what girl indeed?
Surely there must be one. It wasn’t you. This is what you wanted.
But why did you want it?
KANAYA: Look
KANAYA: As Far As I Can Tell Our Societies Were A Lot Alike
KANAYA: And Even Though Mine Was More Lenient In Regards To Gender
KANAYA: It Still Held Certain Bodies In Higher Regard
KANAYA: And It Can Be Hard To Separate What One Feels On An Individual Level And What They May Feel Pressured To Change On A Larger Level
That… can’t be it. You’re a goddamn force of nature, a pioneer of the mind. Were you really that swayed by just… basic societal transphobia?
ROSE: That… could be it.
KANAYA: It Also Could Be That You Feel A Loss Of Connection Between Other Trans Women
KANAYA: That You See A Physical Gulf As A Social Gulf Between A Community That You Never Really Had
ROSE: I…
ROSE: I’ve never even met another out trans woman before you.
KANAYA: But You Still Felt A Kindred Spirit With Me Yes
ROSE: I…
ROSE: Yes.
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: For What It Is Worth
KANAYA: I Dont Think You Have Anything To Worry About From Me
KANAYA: Im Not Going To Judge You On That Or Any Related Front
KANAYA: Just Look At It This Way
KANAYA: I Was Partially Influenced To Come Out By Vriska
KANAYA: Who Despite Her
KANAYA: Particular Views On Life And Gender
KANAYA: Never Had A Bad Thing To Say About Even Me
ROSE: What do you mean, even you?
KANAYA: Well You Know
KANAYA: I Dont Exactly Pass Very Well And I Am Not The Most Beautiful Specimen Of Troll
ROSE: Alright, that’s frank absurdity.
ROSE: The idea that you’re unsatisfied with yourself is such a genuine farce when you look like that.
KANAYA: I
Her glow, which has been on this entire time, just about lights up the entire room. Seems she’s not exactly used to receiving compliments, which is, again, a crime against humanity. At the same time, did you really just say that? And are you really about to continue on in the same thread like you didn’t just imply that you find her absurdly hot?
ROSE: What could you not like about yourself?
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: I Am Kind Of Too Tall
KANAYA: My Arms Are Too Broad I Think Though Thats Just Because I Do A Lot Of Yardwork
KANAYA: And My Face Is Too Angular For My Liking
KANAYA: Ive Started Taking HRT But I Havent Made That Much Progress
ROSE: First of all, I fail to see how any of the following traits are either unfeminine or unappealing.
ROSE: You do know that lesbians flock in droves to tall women with strong arms and a sharp faces, yes?
KANAYA: Uh
KANAYA: Whats A Lesbian
ROSE: Do you not know?
KANAYA: I Would Not Have Asked If I Did
ROSE: It’s a woman who is typically exclusively attracted to other women.
She stares at you, bug-eyed.
KANAYA: That
KANAYA: Thats A Thing
ROSE: Yes, it is, and it’s a club that I can now solidly confirm myself as a member of.
KANAYA: I
KANAYA: First Of All Were You Implying That You Would Flock To Me
ROSE: It was a general statement, Kanaya.
KANAYA: Ah
KANAYA: Okay
KANAYA: But
KANAYA: I Just
KANAYA: Didnt Know There Was A Word For It
KANAYA: On Alternia You Are Generally Expected To Be Attracted To Both Genders
KANAYA: But I Have Never Felt Any Particular Pull Towards Men
ROSE: Well then, Kanaya, I welcome you heartily to the club.
KANAYA: Well Thank You
KANAYA: But I Really Am Not One For Clubbing
ROSE: Ah, a joke. Excellent.
KANAYA: Thank You
KANAYA: I Am Just The Princess Of Humor Tonight
KANAYA: In My Tower Of Lies
KANAYA: So Do You Have Anything More To Say About That Subject
ROSE: I’m… not sure.
ROSE: I feel like the points you brought up are valid, but I’m afraid accepting them would mean accepting…
KANAYA: That You Do Not Actually Know Everything About Yourself
KANAYA: That You Are Not In Fact A Sole Radiant Star Immune To Petty Things Like Societal Pressure
KANAYA: That You May Have Made A Choice Based On Feelings That Seemed Entirely Reasonable At The Time Which You Are Now Experiencing Some Mental Backlash From
ROSE: …Maybe if Sburb had more options for changing your form later on, instead of just forcing you to pick who you want to be at one critical moment and making you stay that way for the rest of your life.
ROSE: I don’t even know how June will feel about this, given that she isn’t even out yet, and thus used up her one chance at dramatic change.
KANAYA: Rose
KANAYA: Have You Maybe Considered That It Is Precisely Your Tying Of Your Own Self Worth To How Closely Your Body Resembles That Of A Cisgender Woman That Is Causing All These Problems In The First Place
ROSE: I would appreciate if you kept your judgements to yourself, Maryam. I assure you that I can make my own decisions about my body without someone meddling in my mental space.
KANAYA: I
KANAYA: Rose You Asked Me To Help You Figure This Out
ROSE: Perhaps I was just making polite conversation after you intruded into private matters that you shouldn’t have!
Oh dammit. That was over the line. Through the sharp lines of her eyes, you see a quiver at the edge of her lip. She sucks in a ragged breath.
KANAYA: Alright Then
KANAYA: I Can Tell When I Am Not Wanted
KANAYA: So I Will Leave You Alone
As she stands up to leave, you catch her sleeve.
ROSE: Kanaya, wait.
ROSE: I’m sorry, that was unnecessary.
KANAYA: You Think
ROSE: Yes. You were only trying to help me out. This… subject is a little too close to my heart.
KANAYA: As It Is To Mine
ROSE: …
ROSE: If you were in my position, would you have done the same thing?
She thinks on this for a good minute, her face doing the blanking thing it always done when her brain goes into overdrive, like every ounce of energy is being directed to careful thought.
KANAYA: I Guess I Dont Know
KANAYA: Because I Have Never Been Put In That Position
KANAYA: But If I Had To Say
KANAYA: I Dont Think I Would
This does make, at least, a little bit of sense to you. Seeing how gorgeous she is, how every angle and bit of her just makes her look like a goddess came down and settled on your cushions, it makes you question why anyone would want to change how she looks to fit a more standard mold.
And then, of course, comes the inevitable question.
Why did you?
You don’t exactly have a lot of proper insight on what other people think of your appearance. Your mother would always do those patronizing spiels about you being her beautiful baby girl, so precious, so sweet. It really just made you feel angry for not being what she clearly pretended to see.
June and Jade had both called you pretty the one time you sent along a self-portrait, grainy though it was from your low-quality scanner. Once again, you assumed they were just being nice. Dave had never said anything much, which in retrospect you’re grateful for. Then of course, there are the few compliments June threw your way back at the castle. You weren’t exactly in the proper state of mind to accept them, but she did seem genuine.
You think back, again, to who this was for. You, supposedly. But were you really looking to please yourself, or was this some nebulous concept of an outer gaze that had inflicted a punishing blow to your self-esteem from the get-go? Maybe too many hours trawling vile messageboards, seeing the such blatant transphobia on display, made you want to prove all the scum dwelling there wrong. Did you think yourself better than other trans women? Did you think you could escape the hatred by being the perfect girl, the perfect example? Is all this just to prove that you can, in fact, look like a “real girl” to a bunch of morons who are long since dead?
ROSE: I…
ROSE: Think I might have messed up. Badly.
KANAYA: Well
KANAYA: Maybe
KANAYA: But That Is Not The End Of The Road Is It
KANAYA: You Are Currently Stuck In A Body That You Do Not Entirely Know You Are Comfortable With
KANAYA: Welcome To The Club
She gives a soft smile, and takes the back of your hand.
ROSE: I suppose so.
ROSE: I’ll certainly need more time to dissect my feelings around this, but…
ROSE: I suppose in the meantime, I am a bit closer to how I wanted to be, no matter what.
ROSE: …I will miss taking my hormones though.
ROSE: Something about it, the physical act of transforming a body into something new… now that’s something I think I’ll miss.
KANAYA: Well If It Could Help You
KANAYA: I Am Kind Of A Weenie About Needles
KANAYA: At Least The Ones For Injection And Not Sewing
KANAYA: So I Wouldnt Mind You Helping Me Out A Bit With The Injections If You Need Your Mad Alchemist Fix
KANAYA: So Long As You Dont Inject Eldritch Goops Into Me
ROSE: Aw. Not even any mutagenic serums?
KANAYA: No
KANAYA: No Aberrant Slimes Either
ROSE: What about transformative tinctures?
KANAYA: Only The Very Specific Ones That Transform Me Into A Woman With Slightly More
KANAYA: Ahem
KANAYA: To Quote A Departed Friend Of Mine
KANAYA: “Kickass Knockers”
ROSE: Very well. The standard hormone cocktail. When is your next injection due?
KANAYA: About Three Days From Now
ROSE: Very well then.
ROSE: I look forward to it.