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“Neil, wake up.” His eyes sputter open to Dan and Allison looming over his bed. With him not having to go to practice today, Neil had planned on sleeping in. Half asleep still, their barging-in floods him with worry.
“Ehm? What’s up? What’s happening?”
Allison briskly pulls the blanket back off of him, the cold air kissing his skin and raising goosebumps. “After we got the make-up yesterday, we talked and we thought that we should do more. So,” she pauses dramatically, “Us girls have the day off from practice and we are taking you shopping.”
“What?” Neil sits himself up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and not sure if he heard that completely correctly.
From behind the two, a smaller voice pipes up. “I never knew you had such gorgeous blue eyes, Neil. We are taking you shopping. Let’s go,” Renee says, animatedly.
“But I don’t need anything.” Neil runs a hand shakily through his hair to wake himself up. Without a mirror, he forgot that Riko had exposed his real appearance. Contacts and hair dye gone, he had come back to Palmetto as himself. Mercifully, no one had asked him about it but he had seen the double-takes from the other Foxes.
And yesterday, when Allison had gotten him make-up for his bruises, she hadn’t mentioned anything else about his look but he could see her bristling to hold herself back. He had hoped it would have been overlooked, water under the bridge, but apparently the girls had other plans.
Dan leans down into his bunk and sits down by his knees. “Look, Neil. You said no questions, right? And we aren’t asking anything. But from everything we can see, you were clearly hiding from someone or something before. And no matter what happened over Christmas with Riko, this is the real you now, right?”
Neil props himself up finally, looking puzzled and not quite sure what Dan is trying to say.
Allison sighs and states matter of factly. “Your clothes are a mess and you need a haircut. We’re going. It’s as simple as that.”
Half an hour later, they pile into Matt’s truck who is dropping them off at the mall. “I’ll come back when you’re ready. Just text me,” he promises with a wave before pulling away from the curb.
“Right, let’s see.” Dan consults her phone like she’s reading a schedule. “Your haircut is in 15 minutes so let’s just go straight there first.”
“Haircut?” He echoes. Neil’s hair had grown long and shaggy while he was at Evermore. Riko had forcefully stripped out the nearly black dye but he hadn’t bothered to cut it. He runs a hand through the hair, a pensive look on his face. He can’t remember the last time he had a proper haircut.
“Neil, honestly. This isn’t torture. Take this as a chance to do something for yourself. As crazy as it was at Evermore, maybe it was good that you were able to do this. To reveal your true self. Try to enjoy this, ok?” Allison adds the end a bit more softly, trying to cut the annoyance from her voice. Neil meets her expectant stare. It was easy for her to say. Her perfectly highlighted hair in a messy but deliberate updo. Her smoke-color eyes popping from the violet eyeliner that lightly rims them. She has on a loose lavender sweater with leggings. It is casual for Allison but Neil knows it was still picked with care.
He isn’t completely convinced by her but he nods anyway. He knows better than to argue with the girls. As they go through the double doors leading into the mall, Neil catches a glimpse of himself in the reflection. The image that stares back is still jarring. Besides the initial shock of his appearance at Wymack’s—which was eclipsed by his injuries anyway, this is the first time he properly sees himself. His overly baggy drab clothes hang off of his battered body. His new tattoo reflects sharply on his cheek. Even the make-up won’t cover that.
“Hi, welcome! How can I help?” An edgy looking girl with mermaid hair greets them as they enter the salon.
“Hi, I have an appointment booked under Allison Reynolds,” Allison replies, all business. If anyone, it would be Allison who would be in charge of any makeover. Her immaculate scarlet nails tap on the counter with impatience. She flips her non-existent stray hairs off her face. Her hair is always so perfect that to Neil, it often looks like a wig if he didn’t know better.
Neil gets forced into the salon chair as a handsome and lithe young man approaches with curly hair and frosted tips. He looks like he came out of a 90’s boyband, but in a good way. “Hi y’all. Who do we have here?” His friendly Southern accent instantly warms him to Neil. “I’m Carlos and I’ll be cutting your hair today. What do y’all have in mind?”
He turns, gaping awkwardly to Allison as if asking her for help. “Don’t look at me, Neil. You tell him what you want.”
“Aw, honey. Don’t be shy! Just let me know what you want.”
“I’m not sure,” Neil murmurs quietly, a bit embarrassed. He honestly doesn’t know what he wants because he’s never had to think about it. He looks back at himself in the mirror — practically a stranger. He couldn’t remember the last time he wasn’t in disguise and hiding.
If Carlos found this weird, he didn’t voice it. He coaxes quietly, “Honey, is this your first time? Don’t worry, just let me know how you’d like it and I’ll try to help.”
Allison, not unkindly, leans toward Neil, resting on the counter and facing him. “You like it short, I’m sure? With Exy and all?”
He nods, without even really considering and Carlo helpfully takes over. “Ok, you’re an athlete. Got it. You have this gorgeous natural auburn-y highlight in it so you don't want to completely get rid of that with a buzz or something. Hmm…how about a nice fade? It will stay longer up here but out of your way for games.” The barber lifts up his hair to show Neil how it will sort of look. Neil doesn’t really know but continues to nod in agreement.
“Leave it with me, honey. I promise you’ll like it.” He shoos the girls away who go sit by the front and he starts working while chatting a continuous stream about his own life. Neil doesn’t mind as it takes him away from thinking about his hair. He has never worried about his appearance until now but involuntarily, what Andrew might think comes to mind.
Andrew was still seething since he arrived back from Easthaven and Neil didn’t know how to rectify it. Andrew is pissed but Neil also didn’t regret what he had to do. He would have always gone to Evermore and protected Andrew. It was never a question. However, he did regret the current silent treatment. He hopes it will fix itself as Andrew calms down. No sense in staying angry when it was in the past. Still, a little pang of remorse sits wearily in his chest as he longs for Andrew’s overdue touch.
“There, Now what do y’all think?” Carlo beckons the girls back who come clattering over.
“Oh god, Neil! You look so different. Your hair color is so pretty!” Allison gasps with genuine surprise.
Ever the considerate one, Renee directs her query toward him. “Neil, what do you think? Do you like it?”
Finally, Neil finds the courage to lift his gaze up to the mirror. He hadn’t dared until Carlos had set down the shears. The face that stares back at him is even less recognizable than before. It is him but one Neil hadn’t seen in awhile. Yes, he is older than when he had last looked like this but he somehow now also appears younger. It wasn’t that he looks necessarily happier but there is definitely something different, more carefree.
The cut is pretty similar to Andrew’s, actually. It is short at the sides and a bit longer on top. The parting is more to the side, which somehow accentuates the lighter golden highlights that weave through the red.
He reaches his hand up to touch the tips. Without the color, the strands feel softer. The natural wave in the front frames his face in a way that accentuates his cheekbones. It is minimal, cutting a couple inches off, but it was enough to make a big difference.
Even as they leave the salon, Neil could already feel himself unconsciously standing a bit straighter. He had always been skeptical of the huge change in behavior from those reality makeover shows but now, living this moment himself, he could really see a marked difference. Having never done much for his appearance besides hiding, he hadn’t realized it was a form of self care.
As they were walking through the mall, Neil kept nervously staring at himself from every window and other reflective surfaces. He can’t help but keep checking that nothing has changed. That he hadn’t gone back to the black dye and uncomfortable contacts.
As they approach one end of the mall, they go into a big clothing store. It looks almost like an IKEA with the clean lines and simple light wood finishes. Neil stands awkwardly in the entryway, unsure what to do. Allison sighs and pulls him toward the first rack: a line of orderly sweaters in muted colors ranging from gray to dark blue and greens to blacks. Neil eyes them, they all look a blur to him. He doesn’t know how to even start.
“Well?” Allison asks.
“Ermmm…..” Neil has no sense of what he’s supposed to do.
Renee pushes Allison aside and turns to Neil, taking on a more gentle tone. “This isn’t a test, Neil. I know it’s difficult, it took me a while, too, to learn to be normal. Or as normal as we can be,” she adds, grinning.
“Just look and touch the fabrics and see what feels right to you.”
Neil mimes feeling one of the sleeves even though he doesn’t really know what she means. He runs his fingers across the row, like as he would a piano. Patience restored, Allison moves back into the forefront and selects two of the shirts.
“We are doing this another way. Let’s go.”
She leads him toward the back of the store where along the way, she adds some pants and a t-shirt over her arm. Allison sets the clothes in the changing room and motions to Neil. He gives one last backward glance to Dan and Renee who send encouraging smiles.
“Go on in. Try these two together first,” Allison gestures. It’s an authoritative tone but it’s not mean. She slides the curtain shut.
Neil stands there, looking at himself in the mirror. He’s wearing one of his usual overlarge sweatshirts that’s tinted a bit blue from all the many mixed washes. It’s been washed so many times, he can’t even remember the original color. His pants are equally drab, a pair of shapeless charcoal chinos that hit over his shoes. It’s a weird juxtaposition as his haircut no longer fits the rest of his body. Neil runs his hands through it again just to see his reflection move and confirm the owner.
“Are you trying things on, Neil?” A matronly tone calls out from the other side of the curtain that spurs him into action. He grabs the outfit and puts it on.
He doesn’t recognize the person looking back at him. There seems to be a weight off his shoulders and he stands straighter. He also looks his age, for once. The thin navy merino sweater with the dark tan khakis accentuates his thin waist and cut arms.
“It’s not an everyday look, I know. But I just wanted you to try something a bit nicer. Like for press days or banquets even.”
He swings back the curtain to let them gawk at him. The girls are squealing like teenagers and fawning over him. In a weird way, he secretly enjoys it. He’s not used to the attention but he can practically feel the endorphins rising with every verbal affirmation.
After he tries on a couple more looks, Neil takes the first one and one more to the register. He’s never spent so much money in his life on anything for himself. Before they came, he had pulled out some cash from his binder and he now relinquishes it to the salesperson.
Laden with bags, Allison forces them to one more store. Surprisingly, Renee steps in, a new level of firmness that she rarely exhibits.
“I want Neil to choose. Neil,” she probes, nodding to him. “Pretend we aren’t here. Pick some stuff for yourself.”
Neil opens his mouth to protest. “I have enough. Allison went crazy in that last place.”
The fashionista rolls her eyes. “Three outfits is hardly overboard. Don’t be so dramatic.”
He turns to Dan for help who shrugs, a bit mischievously. “Don’t look at me. They’re in charge today. I’m just here for my Panda Express.”
“Come on , Neil,” Renee chides as she pushes him inside. “To avoid any added pressure, we will stay here.” She gestures to the sofa near the front of the store. Allison starts to protest and Dan elbows her in the ribs to silence her.
Neil walks the several steps into the middle of the shop. His eyes scan the rows of colorful clothing. He feels like he’s stepped into somewhere foreign, unfamiliar. He doesn’t know where to start or what he is even looking for.
He turns and sees the three girls egging him on, pressing him on encouragingly. He takes a deep breath and exhales. Somehow facing Riko seemed easier than this. He approaches the first table in front of him and looks at the t-shirts there.
Neil picks up a faded black tee. He picks it up because it reminds him of Andrew. It’s so similar to one of the many black tees that Andrew pulls off. In a way, it’s interesting. Andrew had a traumatic childhood too but his nearly all black wardrobe is something he chose for himself in the meantime. Something he had time to do for himself. And it’s nothing less than cool . It’s cavalier and chic but it’s also saying ‘don’t fuck with me’. What does Neil want his own style to say?
He picks up a washed-out heather gray tee that has a distressed look to it. Neil’s not sure why he picked it up but he likes how it looks almost drip dyed with accidental bleach or something. It’s not quite perfect like the crisp white tee that Allison bought him at the last place. Still, he likes this quality about it and in fact, it feels more familiar than anything else he’s worn so far today. It feels a bit like him.
Holding onto this feeling, Neil weaves through the shop and heads eventually into the back fitting room. He tries on the gray tee and some faded black jeans. They’re slim with a couple rips in the knees. They remind him of a pair of Andrew’s but the muted look makes the black less stark. Neil knows he doesn’t have to run anymore but nevertheless, the thought of bright colors and standing out in a crowd still unnerves him. Even his natural hair, the red so eye-popping in comparison to the box dye black, was jarring for him at first.
Walking outside, he hears a chorus of squeals. “Neil, oh my god!” They run up to him and Renee can't help but hug him. It makes it all seem so dramatic and one of the salesclerks even looks over, raising a thin eyebrow at them.
“You look hot,” Dan affirms, approvingly.
Allison doesn’t say anything, merely smiles. Finally, she simply adds, snarkily, “My work here is done. The student has surpassed the teacher.”
After several minutes of gawking and looking at the rest of his picks — all similar to this initial outfit — Neil goes back to get changed. His eyes skate over his reflection in the mirror a final time. With the tousled hair and the outfit, he is unrecognizable. But there is a sparkling glean to the eye of the guy in the mirror. He’s standing more confidently then Neil has ever done. There is also a hint of a smirk, the right side of his mouth curling up just so. Whoever this person is, Neil likes him. He wants to be him.
Smoothing his hands over the hem of the shirt and onto the jeans, he finally recognizes that it’s really him. This is Neil Josten. A student at Palmetto State. A striker on the Foxes. A regular guy. He likes that thought. And Nathaniel Wesninski died so that Neil Josten could live. He should live. Maybe Riko finding out his real identity was the blessing he needed. So he could live.
“These are all on me,” Renee said firmly, gently pushing Neil’s hand away and handing the salesperson her credit card. “You deserve something nice. You do so much for us and we are so glad you came to Palmetto.”
Neil doesn’t respond but a warm feeling overwhelms him and he has to swallow thickly to keep it inside. Despite his best efforts, this group of people had somehow wormed their way into his heart and he can’t help but love them. They really saw him even when he didn’t see himself.
After they go to the food court and eat a heinous but delicious lunch of Sbarro and Panda Express, Matt picks them up and they make the short drive back to the dorm. Neil wrings his hands, wiping them on his new jeans, at the thought of the monsters seeing him. Deep down, he knows it’s not the monsters he cares about, but Andrew.
They walk into the hallway and Dan and Allison are leading the way chatting animatedly. Behind him is Matt who he knows can sense his nerves. The girls wave goodbye as they go into their room. Matt prods him as his eyes dart over to the monsters’ room.
“Go on. You look great,” Matt whispers gently.
With a deep breath, Neil goes and opens the door of the monsters’ room.
“WOW!” Nicky looks up from the TV once and then back again as recognition dawns. “Holy shit, Neil, you look amazing. Were your eyes always blue?”
He comes up surveying Neil and orbiting around him to excitedly touch his hair and clothes. Kevin is sitting at his desk by the window, an Exy game playing on his laptop. He turns and glances over at Neil and gives him a once over. He doesn’t make any remarks but then again, he’s the only one that had ever seen Neil before he went on the run.
At long last, or so it seemed, Neil’s eyes flick to Andrew who is on the desk next to him. He sits on top of the desk, his feet on the chair and one hand out the window with a lit cigarette. Neil feels his heartbeat quicken, thumping so hard he thinks his chest might crack open. Nicky is still carrying on a steady stream of one-sided conversation but Neil can’t hear it. His eyes have gone tunnel vision and all he sees is Andrew.
The hazel eyes stare at him, the face impassive as ever. He hasn’t spoken to Neil once since he returned from Easthaven. He takes a long drag from the cigarette and turns his head slightly to exhale, without taking his eyes off Neil. A second later, the corner of his mouth turns up, the barest hint of a smile. It’s so faint that Neil almost thinks he imagines it. Andrew doesn’t say anything but Neil doesn’t need him to. It’s enough. He knows they’ll be ok.