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The Vice-commander of Shinsengumi was an unattainable flower that sat over the mountain of rugged men. Like a rose on top of a hill, beautiful yet thorny. From the day the Roshigumi entered Edo until it became the Shinsengumi, Hijikata Toushirou stood out amongst the countrymen-turned-policemen. A woman of high-ranking in the government, people accused of various things.
She must be sleeping with the Chief. The Shogunate. The Police Commander. The captains. The soldiers.
Hijikata had heard it all.
It never bothered her. Not one bit.
One after another, Sougo spoke in the public, and then the rumors spread out again. The Vice-commander of Shinsengumi was a rotten woman that tainted the very policemen of Edo. People began to know that Hijikata was barren, unable to have a child.
Suits her, living like men. That’s what she gets from sleeping with everyone.
Hijikata had heard it all.
It never bothered her. Not one bit.
She’s a straight-forward, single-minded. She had sworn her life to stand by Kondou-san, ready to die on the battlefield. She knew those words were untrue, so did the rest of the people around her. That was enough for her. She didn’t need anything else.
Having a family was never in her mind. All of Kondou’s and Matsudaira Tottsan’s nagging of getting married never bore fruits.
“I can’t carry a child, what’s use of me as wife?” Kondou and Matsudaira Tottsan were never able to answer her.
It never bothered her.
It didn’t.
Until one day the rumors changed again. She heard it.
“I feel sorry for the Yorozuya Boss.”
“Yeah, of all woman in town.”
A couple of young ladies talking under the eaves of the kimono shop, and Hijikata happened to be off-duty standing nearby the smoking area.
“Honestly, that bitch—preying on the good men in Edo! As if it’s not enough that she’s already leeching off the government.”
Hijikata was aware of how popular that rotten permhead, despite his constant denial. No one wouldn’t be attracted to his beautiful soul. No one wouldn’t be blinded by that silver light. She was also aware of the women surround the Yorozuya boss. The Oniwaban shinobi, the leader of the Hyakka, the one from the Yagyuu clan, the cabaret woman. Above all, Hijikata was aware of Gintoki’s women preferences.
The difference between that weather-girl and Hijikata Toushirou was like heaven and hell.
They’re like dog and monkey.
They only ever do quarrel whenever they come face to face.
It’s just a rotten bond.
They were more than acquaintances, but still far from being called friends. There was no room for love, surely.
Yet it bloomed anyway. In any case, inside the small heart of the Vice-commander of Shinsengumi. A tiny speck within the walls of thorns. Longing.
The small flower that Hijikata would’ve carried until death.
But a year ago they accidentally slept with each other in a love hotel. Drunken sex. Hijikata woke up to an unfamiliar room and an intense aura from beside her. The Yorozuya boss had awakened first, his naked back was the one facing Hijikata.
The entire time when Gintoki explained what he remembered, never once did the man face Hijikata. However, the fact that he stayed and waited Hijikata to wake up, instead of fleeing the moment he saw who was next to him; that was her anchor.
As expected, love was out of the equation.
Gintoki said that surprisingly, their bodies were compatible. The rest of the question was left to hang in the air, never uttered.
Hijikata understood it all the same.
“I’ll let you know of my next day-off.”
Friends with benefits sounded too pretentious, they weren’t friends in the first place. Sex friends implies the same. They were just two people who happened to be a good option to vent off their libido every now and then. Nothing more.
And then things began to shift after the seventh month.
On a slip, Gintoki revealed that he hadn’t been to the red-district ever since he slept with the raven. Hijikata herself had never slept with anybody else, Gintoki was the only ever one.
And then somehow, from the love hotels outskirt of the town, to the one nearby Kabuki-cho, to the apartment of the Yorozuya.
From only having sex, to drinking together at the izakaya again, to having a meal at the Yorozuya.
Their relationship developed backwards.
And the true lines of their bond began to blur.
“Toshi, I see you’ve been close to Gintoki these days.”
“Hijikata-san, you’re going to see Danna, huh? You reek like a bitch in heat.”
“Ah, Fukucho, just the right time. Can you give this to Danna? You’re heading there, right?”
“Toshi! Go out with me as well! It’s not fair that it’s always Gin-chan that gets to hoard Toshi!”
“Hijikata-san, thank you for the manjuu the other day. Oh, and the mayonnaise has been restocked for tonight’s yakiniku.”
“Toshi, Oji-chan heard you’ve been close to that white-haired brat from Kabuki-cho? Say, why don’t you entertain the idea of marriage again. Oji-chan wants the best for you.”
There was no confession.
Just the two of them, walking side by side one evening, passing the usual bridge.
Then Gintoki slid his hand in between Hijikata’s. Her answer was a reciprocated grasp of that big, warm hand.
They walked towards the Shinsengumi barrack together, not saying a word, they’ve spoken a lot.
It was a sunny day. Twenty-fourth of December. There were layers of snow from last night, people wearing in layers on the street.
In Hijikata’s defense, the person was coming towards her from behind. Said person was a woman, so Hijikata didn’t exactly feel any murderous intent.
Hijikata had heard of the approaching footsteps. The agile policewoman, with all good reflex, reacted by sidestepping to give way to the person behind. She never thought that a bucket of cold water would pour the moment she moved.
Everybody froze, suddenly all eyes were on the three of them standing in the middle of the street. Hijikata who was just splashed with water in the cold winter. The unknown woman with the angry face holding the empty bucket. Sougo who could only blink at the whole situation.
“You dirty wench! Leave him alone!”
The air suddenly dropped.
“Sougo.”
Hijikata stopped him just in time, his hand was already on the hilt of his sword. The woman gasped loudly before running away, frightened to death by the other policeman.
Nobody moved. Until Hijikata motioned Sougo to go. Then suddenly everyone on the street returned to what they were doing a second ago, no one dared to look at the pair.
They went back to the barrack. Yamazaki was just about to enter the gate when he saw the Vice-Commander and First-Squad Captain walking. The inspector immediately ran inside, then running back outside to meet them with a towel.
“Fukucho! What happened—”
“I slipped on the cold ground and fell to the river.”
Yamazaki frowned, he looked towards the captain for another answer. Said captain just looked somewhere else in the distance, visibly frustrated.
“Zaki, make sure this bastard gets warmed properly, I’m going out for a bit.”
“Oi, where do you think you’re going,”
Sougo kept his face away from Hijikata.
“I’m finishing the patrol.”
Yamazaki and Hijikata saw Sougo walking away from the front gate.
“Sougo.”
“…”
“Don’t tell him.”
“…”
“He doesn’t need to know.”
Sougo walked further.
“Too bad, Danna already knows everything.”
“Merry Christmas, how’s my favorite tax-thief doing on this fine day.”
“Wh—Yo-Yorozuya!”
The doors were slammed opened and Hijikata pulled his comforter higher out of reflex of the sudden gust of cold wind barging in. Right in the middle stood the Yorozuya boss. Hijikata glowered as much as she could, head spinning from the light and sickness.
“Heard from Souichirou-kun a certain dumbass slipped and fell into the river in the middle of winter, how’s your cold?”
“I’m fine.” Hijikata hissed, glaring at Gintoki with what’s left of her energy.
The silver permhead smiled, then crouching down in front of Hijikata’s bed.
“Good. Then you’re fine to go out. Let’s go.”
“Wha—go out—what do you mean, oi!”
Before Hijikata could register what just happened, Gintoki rolled her with the futon into a practical dashimaki tamago, and then hauling her on his shoulder.
“Let’s go, let’s go~”
“YOROZUYA!!”
Between the constant numbing headache and the motion of moving in high speed inside the rolled futon, Hijikata could barely keep her consciousness, let alone keep her eyes open. She ended up huddling inside the futon, too busy trying to keep her dizziness in check.
Hijikata realized she was being carried outside in Gintoki’s scooter. Occasional bumps. Several stops that weren’t long enough to be traffic lights, probably intersections. Hijikata analyzed what she could with her pounding head. And then all motion stopped.
“We’re here~”
Hijikata yelped when she felt being lifted up again.
“Y-YOROZUYA!”
The man just whistled, ignoring her. She felt what could’ve been stairs, judging from the bopping motion. When she heard the sound of wooden door being slid open, Hijikata understood where Gintoki brought her.
Gintoki laid her down in his room; putting her down gently and then unrolling her free from the cocoon.
Hijikata came face to face with the bastard. Said bastard entrapped her with his hands between her head.
Hijikata glowered.
“I’m killing you.”
Gintoki replied with a small huff and an unreadable smile.
“Get out of my face.” Hijikata hissed.
“I need to talk to you.”
It was a cold December morning. Hijikata was only in her sleepwear. The Yorozuya’s washitsu was cold.
But Hijikata felt incredibly warm underneath Gintoki.
“You didn’t have to bring me here.”
“Yeah, no, I don’t really wanna talk there. The walls are pretty thin.”
Hijikata couldn’t exactly argue with that.
Gintoki slid his hand over Hijikata’s forehead.
Big palm, slightly cold because the man didn’t wear any gloves, it felt comfortable. Hijikata closed his eyes.
“You’re still burning.”
“What do you fucking expect, permhead.”
Hijikata shifted his head, leaning towards the comfortable cold hand of Gintoki.
They stayed like that for a good five minutes. Gintoki watching Hijikata’s breathing calming down, the creases in her face decreasing.
Hijikata fell back to sleep.
When she woke up again, it was already afternoon. She was alone in the washitsu. Gintoki’s kimono was draped on top of her comforter. Hijikata touched her forehead; a cooling patch was plastered on it.
“Good morning, princess.”
Hijikata glared at Gintoki standing with a smug smile on the door.
“Food’s ready just now. Your Jimmy guy brought your medicine as well. C’mon, let’s eat.”
Hijikata lifted her body from the futon sluggishly. She complied without much complaint. Gintoki brought the porridge to the room. She saw the other was trying to lift the spoon to her face—on any other day, any other ‘sick’ circumstances, Hijikata would’ve objected to being spoon-fed by Gintoki. But just today, just this time, she accepted the food without any words.
Without the usual selling-buying of fights, the atmosphere between Gintoki and Hijikata was mostly quiet.
They don’t talk. When they talk, it’s just fights.
Hijikata stared at her hands on the futon.
“What did you want to talk?”
Hijikata finally opened her mouth when Gintoki just finished with spoon-feeding her. He paused. And then moved again, tidying the empty bowl, and preparing for Hijikata’s medicine. He placed a glass of water on her left hand and the medicine on the right. She finished her medicine; he took them all to the kitchen afterwards.
Even when Hijikata actually tried, it was still hard to talk properly with Gintoki.
With a small pain inside her chest, she laid down, facing away from the fusuma. Hijikata closed her eyes and forced herself to sleep.
Couple minutes later, Gintoki entered the room, and sat behind Hijikata.
“Souichirou-kun told me.”
“… What did he say?”
“You slipped into the river.”
“…”
“I waited at the bar last night. Waited for two hours. I thought I was stood up on my first ever Christmas Eve date.”
Ah. Right. Last night was Christmas Eve. Hijikata didn’t have a day-off that day, but she was allowed an early leave. They had planned it.
“People talked too much.” Hijikata only listened to Gintoki’s voice; she noted a dip in his tone. She tasted anger. “I heard what happened during the day. It was the daughter of the carpenter we helped the other day. I’m going to talk to her later.”
“…”
“I’m so sorry, Hijikata.”
Hijikata shuffled, turning her body to face Gintoki. She buried her face next to Gintoki’s leg. A hand ran through her hair, combing the strands around her ear.
Why is he apologizing. What is he apologizing for.
Hijikata never got upset with those accusations, was never angry at the abuse behind her back. They did not matter. She never took it to heart.
She still held that true to her heart. She was never upset.
But why did hearing Gintoki apologizing for what happened to her felt insanely painful.
Why—for this stupid bastard alone, for this ridiculous man, for this rotten relationship—what was she hurting for?
It wasn’t like she tried to hide or deflect those rumors openly. They were all untrue, but Hijikata also knew that responding to those words would just fuel the fire. Attention was exactly what they all wanted. She understood that rationally. She didn’t want Gintoki to know for fear of him changing his opinion about her—their bond was stronger, mere words wouldn’t change anything.
Why didn’t she want Gintoki to hear them.
What fear, what nightmare, what thought exactly that plagued the Vice-Commander of Shinsengumi.
“Danna already knows everything.”
“… How much did you hear,”
Gintoki’s hand paused.
“Enough.”
Something sank within Hijikata. It felt heavy to breathe.
Hijikata bit her lips.
“… Should we,” Hijikata closed her eyes further. “end this?”
Gintoki’s hand still remained on her, his strokes still gentle. So was with his voice. “Why?”
“You’ve heard the reasons.”
“They’re not worth a single damn thing.”
His voice was calm and clear.
“I’m… My life’s with the Shinsengumi. I can’t give it to you.”
“I know. That’s the person I fell in love with.”
Hijikata clutched her futon.
“People will talk… About you as well.”
“They already do. I don’t care.”
A thumb caresses from her eyebrow to forehead, soothing.
“… I can’t give you a family.”
“My hands are already full. I only want you, Hijikata.”
Gintoki leaned down, kissing her temple. Hijikata buried her face even more, her heart hammering in her chest.
It never bothered her.
“But I want to!” Her voice finally cracked, and with it, her entire heart. “I want to give you a child! I want to give you my life! I want to be your family—”
In her entire life, she never wanted anything. She was afraid of wanting something. After all, she had almost lost her everything.
Hijikata understood, the samurai in front of her had experienced the same; perhaps even more than she did. The man had already lost his everything, he didn’t want Hijikata to lose hers; and because of that Hijikata owed him more than just her love.
There is a life beyond all these, a future of what-ifs.
Hijikata had never been bothered until she was presented with the alternatives. What bothered her was her own ugly greediness.
She didn’t hate Gintoki knowing all those filthy rumors. She hated what would’ve become, knowing Gintoki would accept her all the same, unbothered by those things.
Sakata Gintoki deserved better.
“Hijikata,”
Gintoki lifted her up, pulling her in his chest. Her head hurt; crying made it worse. Being held by Gintoki was nice, the pressure was just right, the warmth was just the right temperature, it was comforting.
“I want a family with you as well.”
The bile was blocking her throat, she could only cry.
“I want you.”
The irony of it all; two people who thought they were out of the equation. Selfless people. Those who never wanted anything. Became the most selfish, desperately wanting something unattainable. Hijikata resided on a pedestal, determined to fall on one way only. Gintoki was a monument, belonged to everybody and nobody.
But just once, just between them—when the sun has set, behind closed doors, just between the two of them; they both wanted something.
Maybe in another lifetime, they were able to just be the two of them. They were able to give each other their lives. No one looking, no one but them. Hijikata could choose her lifepath. Gintoki could belong to someone.
Maybe they could run away from it all.
But Hijikata knew, realized, understood; those values were the one that made them who they were today. Gintoki loved her for who she was; standing proud next to her Commander, a straight and beautiful soul. Hijikata loved Gintoki for who he was, undeterred, unyielding, the silver moon in the darkest of night. There was no room for two people.
Never was.
Somewhere around dawn, Hijikata woke up in Gintoki’s arms, both lying on the futon. She blinked the fogginess away, finding her head no longer spinning so much. She felt exhausted. Probably cried herself to sleep, then.
Her eyes found Gintoki. The moment she stirred, Gintoki’s eyes also opened.
They looked at each other, exchanging silent ‘Good morning’.
Hijikata felt her breath was calmer. “Did you sleep?”
The corner of Gintoki’s lips tugged into a small smile. “Not much.”
His voice was clearer than someone who just happened to woke up supposed to be; Hijikata supposed he stayed up all night. She didn’t think she’d ever seen that from the Yorozuya boss.
“I was thinking,”
Hijikata looked at him. Her heart a steady beat.
“there’s nothing wrong in trying, right?”
Her eyebrows slightly creased. “What do you mean?”
Gintoki tilted his body to face her.
“Everyone already knows. Nobody’s against us. Everything’s finally calm.” Hijikata’s heart stopped for a beat. “Why don’t we settle down?”
“You…”
Gintoki pulled her closer.
“I’m not asking you to step down from your group or anything. Though it’d be nice if you stay here at the Yorozuya. I could send you off every morning. I’d come pick you up when you’re done as well.”
Hijikata tugged at the end of Gintoki’s kimono sleeve. “Work properly, oi.”
“Of course I’d be working as well! But Gin-san would also like to pamper his lovely wife every day. That’s the kind of husband I am, yeah?”
Gintoki grinned and Hijikata pinched that very cheek.
“The kids…”
“We all already consider you our ‘Kaa-chan’.”
Hijikata smiled, despite the tug in her heart.
“But people will—”
“Let them. All those damn rumors and you’re still a beautiful, bright soul. Let them talk, they’d get bored after a while.”
Gintoki was right. Hijikata never doubted him. Deep down, Hijikata also knew that it wouldn’t bother her or them.
And yet.
“One more thing,”
Gintoki gazed straight at Hijikata. Her heart became frantic again, slightly.
“the thing you said before, if you really want it…”
Hijikata’s breath hitched.
“Tatsuma probably knew something about some Amanto medicine, they probably have that figured out already. There’s gotta be a way. So, if you want it—I mean, I also want it, I really do.”
Hijikata’s eyes were glued on Gintoki’s.
“I guess, when we’re both ready…”
“Yes.”
“We’re home~”
“Ah, welcome back, Gin-san, Hijikata-san!”
“Shirou!!”
“Wha—”
A silver hair ball dashed through the hall way to tackle Hijikata at the front door.
“Oi, oi, what did Tou-chan says about running in the house.”
The toddler responded with rubbing his face on his mother’s clothes. Hijikata sighed, giving the plastic bag she was holding to Gintoki. She picked her son up.
“What happened?”
“Sou-chan said you will be going to a hotel and won’t come home today…”
Hijikata choked. “Hotel—Sougo?”
“Yo, Danna, Hijikata-san.”
The sandy haired boy popped his head from the living room.
“W-what are you doing here!”
“Ask your husband yourself.”
Hijikata shot a look at Gintoki who went straight to the kitchen. “Yorozuya!”
“Maa, maa, Hijikata-san. Let’s get inside? We’ve already prepared everything for the friend chicken party. Shall we go?”
“Yahooo!! C’mon Toshi, Shirou! Friend chicken party!!”
With Ginshirou still like a koala in Hijikata’s arms, they all went inside. The kotatsu was already set up in the washitsu. The rice cooker, plates, bowls, glasses for the drinks; all already prepared. The TV was also brought inside and running at the corner of the room.
They all settled down on the kotatsu, each one taking a side. Gintoki came to the room with the bucket of fried chicken and fries.
“Here it is~”
Everyone looked excitedly at the center of the table, even Ginshirou was giddy on Hijikata’s lap. Gintoki sat right next to Hijikata.
“Let’s eat, then.”
““Itadakimasu!!””
Hijikata nudged on Gintoki’s side. “Hey, why’s sougo’s here?”
“Kagura asked me to invite him.” Gintoki said with a mouthful of chicken. Almost immediately, you could hear the noise of two people choking across the table.
Merry Christmas!!
