Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The wind was pleasantly warm tonight, and Raphael gave a tired sigh.
Hot thunderstorms suck, he thought and he glanced upwards at the rain falling down like embers of a fire, each one warmer than the last.
Supposed to be cold, not warm. Bleugh.
The whole Hamato Clan knew about Raphael’s dislikes. He had only few, no matter what it may seem. Cockroaches, retreating, and hot rain. Man, he despised hot rain.
So why was he currently out in the open, showering warmly with the cool wet surface of building tops against his tired feet?
One word.
Mikey.
Raphael grumbled under his breath when he remembered his younger brother. His older one forced him to look for him, after a fight had broken out between the two, and Mikey had stormed out. No one else had seen the angry desperate tears in his little bro’s eyes, but Raph did; so when Leo had told him to go search for him, Raph didn’t protest.
Stupid Leo. Making me do his dirty work.
Truthfully, the red banded mutant was concerned, and maybe a bit worried. The reason the fight broke out in the first place was because Mikey had accidentally screamed when the lights turned out, due to the thunderstorm. To be fair, Leo had seemed to be grouchy all day, and it looked like Mikey’s reaction of fear tipped him over the edge.
Leo had yelled at the youngest about fears, how they were childish, and how Mikey had to grow up if he wanted to stay in this sewer-hold. This family.
Even Raph knew he had gone too far, when Mikey had stormed off in a fit of bottled up rage and discontent. Whereas Raph did not like thunderstorms, Mikey was afraid of them. The second oldest did not know why, but he hoped he would find out soon.
He sighed once more and wiped his forehead with a wet grimace. He had spotted Mikey, not too long ago, perched upon one of the many water tanks in New York City. His orange band danced violently in the hot wind and Raph saw tremors leave his brother’s body every now and then.
His heart panged at the red tinge left in the soft blue eyes.
“What are you doing here, Raphie? You could catch a cold!” Mikey’s sweet voice piped up, back still turned towards him. The red banded brother warmed at the concern embedded deep in his voice.
Oh Mikey,
“You’re one to talk, knucklehead.”
Raph swung by and sat beside Mikey, legs swinging over the edge and stretching his arms with a loud groan.
Mikey chuckled at his big brother’s antics and opened his eyes to peer at him. Raphael rubbed his head affectionately and the youngest pushed up against his touch.
They both stayed there for a moment, relishing in the warmness that bloomed in their chests.
“What’s gotcha up here, Mikester? Thought you hated storms,” Raph said after a moment or two, hesitantly as to not break the comfortable atmosphere.
Mikey’s smile dimmed slightly, but he forced it back on his face again when he saw Raph’s expression.
“Nothing bro! Just enjoying the sweet, sweet rain. Also, for your information, I am NOT SCARED OF STORMS,” he emphasised the last couple of words, each word getting a poke on Raph’s cheek.
The red loving turtle smirked and grabbed Mikey, rubbing his fist into Mike’s head and the youngest gave a shriek of laughter, which turned into a gasp when lightning cracked the sky in two.
Raph felt Mikey’s hand in his tighten with fear, but he didn’t cry out.
“Mike…it’s okay to be scared bro. You don’t hafta hold it in,” he said gently and slowly let go of the other.
Mikey glanced at him, before looking back down at his hands, which picked at the bandages.
“Fears are childish…” he muttered, before turning his head the other way and squeezing his eyes shut when thunder drummed in the sky once more.
“That’s not true and you know it,” Raph frowned softly, his words being carried by the breeze.
It was quiet then, a companionable quiet. The older mutant relishes these moments with his brothers, memories that would someday be his source of comfort when nothing else was. He didn’t know how Mikey was feeling, and that worried him.
“You know,” he started and his sibling tenses up slightly.
“When Leo was in that coma, my life seemed to come to a pause.”
Mikey turns his head faintly, almost two small and quick to notice but Raph did, and that gave him the courage to continue.
“I couldn’t think of anything else except my big brother, our leader on the brink of death for three months. I couldn’t think of anything else except you and Don. I forgot about the invasion, I forgot about our home, I forgot about dad.”
Raph saw Mikey’s head turn to him fully in the corner of his eyes, but he was too far gone to dwell.
“I was so scared. I was terrified, of losing you guys. I have never known a life where I did not have an older brother to look up to, or younger siblings to protect. You all are my entire life, all I’ve ever known. How was I supposed to just live with that fact, that one day you all would die?”
“Raph..”
“No, Mike. You need to listen to me,” he turned and grasped Mikey’s hand, desperation in his eyes.
“Fears are not childish. They will never ever be childish. You understand?”
The orange loving mutant gave a startled, but hesitant nod.
It was quiet again.
Why?
This was Mikey. Mikey was never quiet.
“Leo is scared of failing us. He’s scared he won’t be good enough and get us all hurt. He wants to be perfect, so he could receive a single ounce of praise from dad. All he ever wanted was love, respect from his family.”
Raph turned to look at the other, smiling broadly and rubbing his head affectionately once more.
“You do that so much already, and it always surprises me how Leo never see’s how important you are in this team.”
Mike’s eyes were like big jewels in the stormy night.
“Donnie- Donnie’s afraid of being worthless, that the only thing we ever need him for is his inventions. Why do you think he uses so many big words to confuse us all the time? He’s terrified of us only using him.”
Raph’s smile turned sweet, and he looked endearingly at Mikey, who tilted his head in confusion. He had never seen his brother like this, but Mike liked it.
“I know Don has kicked you out of the lab many many times, but honestly, I think he enjoys your company, your remarks and your ideas. It makes him feel as if he is loved for just being him.”
Sighing, Raph turned away.
“Leo’s never been good at affection, nor am I and Don. But you, you are it personified. You are comfort and light and everything precious, Mikey.”
Mike grinned at the glare that his older brother threw at him.
“If you tell anyone I said this, I’ll pound you into the ground,” he grumbled and Mikey chortled.
The wind was settling now, and the storm grew quieter as the youngest turtle felt himself relax.
“Hōki..” he murmured. Raph startled and looked at him.
“Sorry?”
Mikey’s eyes were wet again, but this time, Raph didn’t know whether it was the rain in his eyes or his pain.
“Abandonment,” Mike says again, glancing at the other for a second before looking away.
“My fear. Abandonment.”
“Mikey..”
“One day, you’ll finally realise my non-existent worth, and you’ll all shun me away. Leave me in a dark alley. Give me to our enemy. Disown me. Leave me.”
It wasn’t rain in his eyes.
“I don’t know the way home, I’m not good at remembering things. You’ll all get sick of me, not need me anymore, not want me anymore and I'll be left all alone and I'll never find you ever again.”
‘Mikey..’
“I just want you to be proud of me, I'm sorry I mess up, I swear I don’t mean to.”
“Hey, Mikey?”
The younger turtle seemed drugged. He was swaying slightly now, and his words came out all slurred.
“Just- just wanna you to be…want you to…to…”
Mikey slumped against Raph’s shoulder, head fitting perfectly in the crevice of his neck and hand loosely in the others. His eyes were fluttering shut but Raph was able to make out some sort of meaning behind the final gibberish he spoke.
He closed his eyes, pain behind his eyelids and simply hung his head low for moments. Mikey was shivering and Raph felt the burn of his body temperature on his neck.
He snapped his eyes open and grabbed his youngest brother's frail body, leaning down to place a hand on Mikey’s forehead and wincing.
‘What are you doing here, Raphie? You could catch a cold!’
“Dumb-” Raph cut himself off. He leaned forwards and pressed their foreheads together.
Then, sighing, he bundled Mikey in his arms, placed a loving kiss on his head and made his way home, hurrying for his little brother.

Chapter Text

Donatello Hamato grumbled under his breath. He was seated in his lab, attempting to finish working on an invention he had started two days ago, one that would be able to block out noise from his ears for as long as he wanted. They looked sort of like headphones, and Don found comfort in the excitement of personalising them.
This particular invention was dedicated to the fact that his older brothers were now officially mortal enemies. There wasn’t a day that passed where his lullabies and alarms weren’t yells and shouts and cries and the purple loving mutant had enough of it.
It hadn’t been so long since his annoying younger brother stormed out after an argument that consisted of him and Leonardo. Don didn’t know what it was about, considering he was still in his lab at the time, but he did hear the endless shouting before the angry footsteps retreated.
He sighed, and left it to his older brothers to figure out.
He tried now, to leave it to his brothers, and not get mixed into this mess, but now his hands were cramping up and his brain would muddle up and his mind would just go back to the yelling.
So he sighed, got up from his seat, wincing at the stretch of his body and left his lab, giving one last longing look at his creations before flicking off the light and then venturing into the unknown.

Donnie found his oldest brother slumped on the couch, gazing at something in the distance, eyes glazed over and unfocused. He was slumping, something he rarely did, and Don felt an unfamiliar twist in his heart. The last time they saw Leo like this was the night after their father was killed. Leo had stayed in his room for three days, refusing water or food until the third day, when he emerged red eyed and determined.
The scientist closed his eyes for a moment, desperately trying to get rid of the stinging before he collapsed into sobs as well. Now wasn’t the time.
When he opened them once more (only slightly checking them for water) he eyed Leo’s hands wearily.
There were traces of harm, long wiggly streaks of red and healed over green as if someone had scratched him over and over before the skin broke. Those hands now clutched at his thighs, fingernails digging deep into his flesh and Don flinched.
Leo hadn’t noticed him yet, too busy in his own world even when Donnie kneeled down in front of him and grabbed at his hands. Then only Leo was startled, eyes widening in shock and whole body recoiled for a moment before noticing his younger brother before him.
Confusion filled his facial features, and he looked around for a moment, as if reminding himself where he was. Don’s expression was crumpled, but concerned. Leo was never like this.
His older brother looked back at him, eyes still dazed and body almost sluggish.
“W-” he paused, and gulped.
“W-Whas goin’ on, Dee?” Leo slurred, before shaking his head slightly.
Don’s hands tightened around his, so slightly they both didn’t notice.
“Leo..are you…okay..?” He asked, voice wavering faintly. His older brother blinked down in surprise, the dazy look gone from his eyes.
“Y-Yes of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” His expression downed a bit.
“Is it because of the argument? If you even call it that. You need to understand, Donatello that our younger brother is-”
“A child?”
It was silent. Leo was looking at his brother, shock inevident on his face.
“I-....well yes, I suppose but-”
“Leo.”
Don’s voice was soft, but demanding and Leo surprised himself by going quiet.
“Leo.”
Don was unconsciously rubbing a thumb over his brother’s hands, the movement comforting both of them.
“Do you know how we feel when we hear your name?”
The oldest slumped, and shook his head.
“We feel safe,” Don put all his love into that one word and Leo’s eyes widened.
“We feel protected. We feel loved. We feel all of those because it is you. Just you.”
“Raph knows you’re the person to go to when he has all that pent up anger inside of him, sparring with you seems like the only thing that calms him down.”
Leo broke a smile at that, his face crinkling to meet it and Don felt his heart warm.
“You’re the one always assisting me when I need help with my inventions. You’re the one Mikey goes to for, well, everything!”
The smile on his older brother’s face dims. He knew what was coming.
“You told him that fears are childish, that he wasn’t supposed to be childish, you threatened to kick him out of this family.”
Leo’s eyes were screwed shut, brow furrowed in pain as he recollected the memory that happened not too long ago.
“We all are just children.”
His breaths came out ragged and he blinked back tears before screwing them shut again.
“Imagine what Mikey would be thinking right now?”
His hands squeezed Don’s tighter.
“Imagine how much of a burden he would feel like right now?”
He choked out a gasp, eyes thrown up and shaking his head so violently that Donnie feared it would fly off.
“Knowing that his older brother, the only person he looked up to, thought of him as childish and burdensome.”
“N-No. Oh god no,” words muddled up spilled through Leo’s lips.
“Who would he go to now?”
“Please, n-no.”
“Maybe he was childish. Maybe he needed to grow up more.”
“That’s not what I m-meant!”
“Leo is right. Fears are childish.”
“They aren’t!”
The tears that Leo held back now intruded through and streamed down his face.
“They aren’t and I said it to him. I told him. I-I told him he was childish. I didn’t m-mean to, I swear! Donnie I swear, I just- today was so, so shit and I just- I just.”
He crumbled, hung his head low, and Don had had enough of all these heart wrenching feelings.
The scientist stood up, still holding Leo’s hands, and sat next to him on the couch.
He then wrapped his arms around the shaking other and leaned back to pull him towards his plastron. The oldest dug his face deep into the crook of Don’s neck and shoulder and sniffed.
Suddenly, he was five years old again, crying to his younger brother after an unnecessary harsh scolding from their father. Donnie would coo at him and whisper sweet nothings in his ear until Leo would calm down, abandoning his project and focusing all his attention on his brother, because he would never come to Don like this.
“m’...Don- m’sry…”
“It’s not me you need to apologise too, Lee.”
The scientist felt his older brother nuzzle more into him and he fought the urge to smile.
“Where’s m-key?”
“He’ll be back soon, Nardo.”
He’l be back soon.