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Team let Win push him up against the bathroom stall, the cold clammy tiles poking into his shoulder blades. His hands scrambled for purchase inside Win's jacket, the humid air making Win’s skin sticky before they’d even started. Win's mouth wandered across his face and neck, insistent and seeking. Team leaned against the wall, his legs weakening under Win's attentions. His last beer was hitting him, and he felt a bit floaty.
It's not easy to be sure you really love someone...you're keeping him to yourself. He could feel bad about that. Ay’s words rose unbidden to the front of Team’s brain. He wondered if that conversation was why Win followed him here. A nasty voice supplied, Maybe he wants what he’s owed after spending so much time taking care of you.
Win bit the soft spot where his jaw met his neck, and Team flinched so hard his head hit the wall. Immediately, Win’s hand cupped the back of his head, soothing, caressing.
“All right, Team?” He sounded wrecked.
Team nodded and leaned in to capture Win’s mouth. Win pressed in even closer, bracketing Team with his arms on either side of his head. Normally that gesture made Team weak, he loved feeling caged by Hia Win, letting himself be enveloped by Win’s lean body. Right now, the conversation he heard outside the locker room kept resurfacing. Win liked what they had, casual sex and friendly hang outs, but that was before Team almost drowned. He didn’t sign up for all your bullshit, Team. He just wants to have fun and it’s not fair of you to ask for more than that.
No wonder Win hadn’t shown up at his meet and had balked at the idea of being boyfriends. Saying he needed more time was a gentle way to put Team off, probably hoping he’d get the picture and not ask again. Of Win’s virtues, the worst one was that he was kind.
"You with me Team?" Win whispered in his ear, sending a shiver through him.
"I'm fine, Hia."
Win pulled back, making that tiny frown that made Team think he cared about him. "Tell me."
Team's first instinct was to lie and insist he was fine. It wasn’t Win’s fault Team was having an internal crisis. Team wanted whatever Win would give him. He wanted to make Win happy. He could learn not to want too much, to just be whatever he thought Win wanted. If he could just be present, when Win was so gorgeous in front of him, his deep brown eyes almost black and sparkling with want. He should keep going. It would feel good and put them back on familiar ground. He should—Win’s eyes caught on something in Team’s face, and he stepped back.
“Team…?”
"Hia, I think I want to stop. I want to go back to my dorm."
Yesterday, he would've said "home" and it would've meant Win's room.
Win hummed in agreement and ran a thumb under Team’s eye. The gesture made Team want to cry. "Yeah, your friends are probably wondering where we are."
They left the bathroom separately and made their goodbyes quickly. Ay and Sea made some crass jokes about them leaving together so early, but Bee seemed to catch Team's low mood and kicked at them. Team grabbed Win’s arm and they made their escape before anyone could say anything.
They drove in silence. The air conditioner in Team’s car rattled, struggling to cool the thick humid air. The windshield kept fogging. It reminded Team of the night he almost drowned, but that night he had been cowed by almost dying and Win's simmering anger. Win’s protectiveness had startled Team, but he had been too rattled to really examine it. Now he was struggling to remember the moments where Win genuinely seemed to care about him. Win opening his arms to cuddle or kneeling at his feet felt distant, like it had happened to some other Team in another universe where intimacy was as straight and clear as the empty highway before them. He shouldn't have drunk so much. A voice in the back of his mind whispered that he wasn't being rational, but his thoughts were so muddled. The silence had gone on for too long now. Team was making things awkward. Again.
"I'm sorry," Win said quietly, pulling Team from his tumultuous thoughts.
"Hm?"
"I'm sorry—for coming on to you back there. For not noticing you were uncomfortable."
Team resolutely looked out the window, wanting to shrivel up in embarrassment. He pinched at the back of his hands, picking at a hang nail.
"I wasn't uncomfortable Hia. I'm just tired. I’m sorry for ruining the evening."
"Hey, stop that," Win admonished quietly, taking his hand off the steering wheel and placing it over Team's wringing hands, "Whatever's stressing you out, you can talk to me. You know I'm always here for you."
Team looked down at Win's long slender fingers enveloping his clasped hands. For all of Win's swagger and his rough edges, his hands betrayed a gentleness that Team
liked to imagine was reserved just for him. But that was a fantasy, and Win's delicate touch felt unbearable.
He slipped his hands out from under Win's grasp, shoving his fingers in his armpits.
"I'm not stressed Hia. I want to go home."
Win retracted his hand. Team saw out of the corner of his eye the way Win's jaw tensed and his brow furrowed. Team was making this night so much worse, but he didn't know how to back-track now. Win probably wouldn't want anything to do with him after this.
A surprise gust of wind shook the car. A couple raindrops fell—finally. Win exhaled sharply though his nose and turned on the wipers.
“What do you mean by ‘ruining the evening?’” Win asked.
“Huh?”
Win snorted softly. “No ‘huh.’ Just now, you apologized for ruining the evening. I don’t know why you’re apologizing. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Oh, um, it’s nothing Hia. I just—we were having fun and then I started being all weird.” Team winced at the garbled words spilling from his mouth.
“Are you worried I’d be upset that we stopped?”
“Well…”
“Team,” Win said, distress coloring his voice and, oh, Team did not like that, “If you’re not into it, then I don’t want to do it either. Your comfort is the most important thing to me.”
“I just want to make you happy, Hia.” Team’s voice caught in his throat, and he coughed. Why was he being so stupid? The conversation felt like jumping off a cliff.
The rain picked up intensity. The windshield wipers were going as fast as they could. Win gripped the steering wheel tighter as a gust of wind buffeted the car.
“I’m not happy if we’re doing stuff you don’t like. Did—were all the other times—?”
“No!” Team cried, alarmed that Win would think he didn’t like any of it, “I’ve liked everything we’ve done together. Even today. I just…I don’t know what you’re getting out of our arrangement. I’m so fucked up and you do so much for me, and I don’t know how I can repay you.”
Win made a noise that was something between a scoff and growl and pulled the car over to the side of the road. He cut the engine and the pouring rain was the only sound other than their breathing. The window behind Win's head started to fog. Team couldn't look away from Win's profile, rigid and distraught. Win rubbed his eyes after a long moment, as though to gather himself.
"Team, can I hold your hand?"
The request so blindsided Team that he held out his hand without thinking. Win rubbed his thumb against Team’s knuckles and some of the tension bled out of his shoulders. Win’s breath shook, like he was preparing to dive into the deep end. Team felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the car.
“Team,” Win said, “I know when this whole thing started it was just mutually beneficial fun, and I admit I wasn’t exactly looking for anything more than that.”
Team nodded even though he wanted to coil up in a ball and die. He tried to pull his hand away, but Win held him fast. Win continued, “But somewhere down the line something changed. And I thought, stupidly I realize now, that I could show you how I felt without really having to say it, because I really did not want to be doing what we’re doing right now.”
Team tugged harder on his hand. He was very close to tears now, and he didn’t know how long they were going to be stuck in this car together while the storm raged around them, and this was fast becoming one of the worst nights of Team’s short idiotic life. A part of him regretted not just hooking up with Win in the bathroom if it would spare him a thoroughly mortifying rejection.
Win tugged back on Team’s arm, hard enough to pull Team across the center console and Team’s teary eyes were suddenly very close to Win’s wide brown gaze. Team was very confused by the sad, frightened look in Win’s eyes, but suddenly, Win’s hands were in his hair and Win kissed him so desperately that all thoughts exited his head except how to stay here and do this forever. He chased Win’s lips for a second but Win just pressed their foreheads together with a fond watery laugh.
“Team,” he whispered, “This hasn’t been transactional in a long time. I don’t know how to explain it in a way that’ll sink in, but I don’t want anything from you that you’re not comfortable giving. I like being around you, and if that includes sex then fine, but if it doesn’t that’s okay too. I like fucking you, because it’s you, but not as some—I don’t even know—payment? And it fucks me up a little that you would think that of me.”
Team was really crying now, mumbling apologies, while Win wiped at his face. Win undid both their seatbelts and gathered Team in his arms, pressing his sopping wet face into his chest. Team clutched at Win’s waist. His spine was twisted uncomfortably, and the seatbelt buckle dug into his hip, but he didn’t want to move. He wanted to stay right here, with Win murmuring incomprehensible nonsense into his hair, breathing in his comforting warm scent.
Eventually, Team calmed down and the rain let up. Win kissed the top of his head and nudged him into his own seat.
“Let’s go home, Team.”
Team nodded. He was so tired, too wrung out to be embarrassed. He slumped in his seat and watched Win as he started the car and pulled onto the road again. He watched the streetlights cast flashing shadows across Win’s handsome face, catching on his cheekbones and plush lips, still twisted with a bit of sadness that Team desperately wanted to wipe away.
“I don’t think of you that way,” Team said, before he could think better of it.
“Hmm?”
“I don’t think you’re using me. That’s not how I picture you at all. I just got scared I think.”
Win took an exit with a look of great concentration. “I’m scared too. And I’ll be honest, what Ay and Sea said to Bee freaked me out a little. I thought I’d missed my shot because I asked for more time. I worried you felt like I was jerking you around.”
He glanced over in time to see Team vehemently shaking his head.
“No, I’m glad you were honest with me. I was unsure then too.”
“And now?”
“I want to know what you want from me.”
They pulled into the dorm garage. Win parked and turned off the car. Neither of them moved.
“I want your time,” Win said after a moment. He chewed on his lip. “I don’t want to you to sleep with anyone else, but I don’t just want you for sex. I want to be the one you come to when you have problems, or you can’t sleep. When something good happens to you I want to be the first to know. I want you to steal my snacks and make me watch scary movies and make me laugh—”
“Hia, we already do all that.”
“I want to keep doing that until you get tired of me.”
Team giggled. Win shot him a wounded look, and Team said in a rush, “Hia, did we become boyfriends without even realizing it?”
Win’s face melted into a smile. “Fuck, I think we did.”
They both collapsed into exhausted, relieved laughter, the tension dissipating like air from a balloon. Win reached over and ruffled Team’s hair, evoking a token protest even as Team preened under his touch. Win caught his eye, raised an eyebrow, and without speaking they both scrambled out of the car, into the elevator and up to Win’s room.
And if Team missed class the next day because he could barely walk, well, that was between him and Hia Win.