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Josh really didn't mean to do it, especially the night before he was supposed to pick Jenna and Tyler up from the airport. It just kinda happened. He didn’t even realize he was doing so poorly. Again. It was the first and only time he’s used an actual razor and he doesn’t know how to feel about it. The twisted satisfaction it brought was faster and more painful than anything he’d used in the past and it scared him. Josh didn’t want to think about it anymore.
Having gone to bed at 3am, Josh is quick to silence his alarm when it goes off at 9. If this were a week ago, he would get up anyway because it’s important to keep up a good schedule, but he doesn’t care anymore. There’s no point in getting up because he has nothing to do, no purpose at the moment. They’re on a hiatus and there’s no music to work on yet and Tyler wants them to stay off social media and keep out of the public eye and- Josh sighs and buries himself further into the warmth of his comforter. He can't turn the daily alarm off just yet. It feels too much like admitting defeat. Either way he knows he’ll get out of bed at some point (of course just to feed Jim, then back to bed with no responsibilities keeping him out of it), so he just drifts in and out of consciousness for the next few hours.
When he finally returns to the land of the living, he turns over to see his alarm clock reads 4:30 pm. He shoots up in bed when he realizes he’s supposed to be pulling into the airport in half an hour and he’s still in bed. He panics as he gets up and rushes around his room, trying to get ready in a hurry. As he’s slipping on a pair of shoes he grabs his phone so he can call Tyler. Obviously he doesn’t pick up because he’s on a plane and that’s not how planes work. Use your head Josh. He curses to himself and starts a voicemail.
“Uh, hey Tyler!” Josh clears his throat, voice rough from misuse. “Hey! So um, I’m gonna be a little late. Ok maybe not a little. I kinda overslept and haven’t left my house yet and LA traffic is a disaster so you and Jenna may be stuck there for a bit. I’m really sorry I know you hate airports and traveling so um, frick, I’m just really sorry man. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Tell Jenna I say hi!” He finishes it with an awkward laugh.
As he’s grabbing his keys to head out the door, he catches his reflection in the strategically placed mirror on the hallway wall. If he’s completely honest with himself, he looks like shit. There are deep bags under his eyes, he hasn’t shaved in at least a week, and his hair is a greasy tangled mess. He decides to grab a beanie to at least hide the disaster that is his hair and figures that’s the best he can do in his current predicament. He gives Jim a quick pet and goodbye as he arises from a nap somewhere in the house due to the commotion, and then he’s gone.
Josh spends most of the drive to the airport in a thought racing daze as he follows his phone’s directions. When he’s pretty close to the airport, he decides to drive through Starbucks to get Tyler and Jenna coffee. He knows it’s a weak attempt to curb any anger he might (read: won't) face but a part of him rationalizes it as a friend getting his two friends who are tired from flying some coffee as a pick me up. As he’s waiting at the window for their drinks to be ready, he gets a text from Tyler.
:) tyler: hey I got your voicemail, there’s no problem! I know you didn’t oversleep on purpose so I’m not upset. just can’t wait to see you dude
This eases some of Josh’s anxiety, but still. What if he’s lying? Knowing he’ll reach the airport soon, Josh just hearts the message and gets back on the road. When he finally pulls up outside the exit his directions guided him to, he sees Jenna and Tyler sitting on a bench. He breathes a sigh of relief when he notices they’re the only ones around. Josh quickly puts the car in park and accepts their hugs and greetings. He didn’t realize how bone achingly lonely he’d been recently until then, having to force himself to release his friends from their hugs when they pull away. Tyler’s embrace is all encompassing and warm, while Jenna’s is familiar and caring. In an attempt to hide the weak tears in his eyes, he takes their luggage to the back of the car to load it, insisting he’s fine to do it by himself.
The ride back to Josh’s house is mostly silent apart from appreciation for the coffee he picked up. Jenna even gives him a little peck on the cheek for it that fills him with warmth. Tyler sits in the back, saying he wants room to stretch his legs, and Jenna takes the front seat. When she takes Josh’s hand in hers and rests them on the center console, he raises a questioning eyebrow at her but she just responds childishly by sticking her tongue out at him. His laugh is airy as he shakes his head and tries to ignore how aware he is of everywhere they're touching. The prolonged hand-hold is the most human contact he’s had since he left Ohio a week after their hiatus started.
Everything’s going surprisingly smoothly until Jenna separates their hands to play with his finger’s. “You know we’re not mad at you right?”
Josh does a double take, unsure if he heard her speak or if the silence of their drive was getting to him. He clears his throat, “Yeah, I know. Just more annoyed with myself than anything now, you know?” Jenna nods. “So how’s the hiatus been treating you? Tyler said you didn't sound too great over the phone.”
He tries to hide the panic rising in him with deep breaths as he sees Tyler tune into the conversation through the rearview mirror. “Uh, the hiatus has been great! Yeah, I’ve been spending a lot of personal time with all my new streaming services. Who knew it was so easy to binge watch so many shows when you can’t leave your house?” He hadn’t actually been watching that much TV, but it was a better answer than the truth. Sleeping through days and wasting away in your bed doesn’t create the most reassuring picture for your best friends to imagine.
Tyler speaks up from the back, “Wait, you haven’t been leaving your house?”
Josh tries to backtrack, “Well, I mean sometimes for groceries and to take Jim on walks. Don’t worry though! We go to this super empty park not far from my neighborhood. There's barely anyone there and nobody recognizes me!” His attempts at reassuring his friends only seem to worry them more.
“So, you haven’t been hanging out with anyone? You’re just… at home with Jim all the time?” Jenna questions.
“I guess yeah, it’s not that bad though, me and Jim like hanging out!” His jokes are failing and he’s not sure how to fix whatever he’s done wrong. He’s not sure what it is and the crestfallen expressions Tyler and Jenna are giving him aren’t helping.
“Are you not… lonely?” Tyler tentatively asks.
“Sorta? I’m kind of used to being alone though. This is what we have to do for the hiatus anyway,” he shrugs. “I can go for a couple more months.”
“Josh, this isn’t… I just meant that we should avoid public appearances. You don’t have to hole up in your house and isolate yourself,” Tyler explains. Jenna relaces their fingers together and squeezes.
“Oh… I-I'm sorry,” is all Josh can say as he feels tears build in his eyes again. He blinks them away as they near the turn in for his neighborhood. “Can we talk about this later? I want to just watch a movie and cuddle,” he rushes to add, “If that’s ok with you guys.”
Jenna kisses the back of his hand, “Of course it is. Do you think we’re the kind of people to turn down cuddle time with Josh?” He just laughs and shakes his head as he sniffs and the tears dissipate.
Suitcases and bags are unceremoniously left by the front door when they get inside, along with their shoes and jackets. Jim enthusiastically greets them there and trails behind them to the living room. As Tyler and Josh get comfortable on the couch with Josh’s back to Tyler’s chest, Jenna arrives with popcorn and capri-suns. Josh bought them for when he’s small but he’s not going to turn it down now, juice is juice. Jenna settles into the spot Josh leaves for her so she’s leaning on his chest like he is Tyler’s. They find a decent movie that won't require rapt attention but is still entertaining and relax into the atmosphere. It’s warm and comfortable and Josh is even starting to fall when he hears Tyler mutter something behind him. “Wanna play with your hair Joshie…” Then his beanie is gently removed and a hand settles in his curls. It only brushes through once when he feels it still, and then he remembers it’s been a while since he’s washed it. His cheeks burn with embarrassment and he feels frozen to his spot, unable to do anything until Tyler reacts first.
“Josh?” His shoulders scrunch up to his ears. “Yeah?”
“When was the last time you washed your hair?” From anyone else (well, probably besides Jenna) Josh would be offended at the question, but Tyler is blunt more often than not and his behavior is familiar.
He can’t lie, especially not as Jenna turns to him with a concerned expression (again). “I um, I’m not sure.” He shuts his eyes against the worried pairs of eyes he can feel boring into him.
“Your sink is full of dishes and your kitchen is kind of empty. Josh, when was the last time you ate?” Jenna adds.
Feeling a little overwhelmed, Josh reaches to start scratching at his scalp but Tyler catches his hands before he can and gently redirects him to hug a throw pillow instead. “W-well there’s the popcorn you made.”
“Before that,” Tyler gently nudges him. Josh’s eyes squeeze tighter and he shrinks into himself more. “I don’t remember…” Jim recognizes his distress and sets his head on Josh's leg from his spot on the floor.
The wounded noise Jenna makes makes him flinch but he leans into the gentle hand she brings to his cheek. “Can you look at me, please?” Josh opens his eyes and has to blink past the tears building in his own eyes to notice those in Jenna’s. “I need you to answer me honestly, ok?” He nods. “Have you been doing ok Josh?”
He bites his lip and he can’t stop the tears from falling anymore. He starts shaking his head and suddenly he’s being embraced on all sides, wrapped in a hug of 2 parts best friend and 98 parts love.
Josh feels Tyler bury his face in his neck and the accompanying tears that fall. “I’m sorry Josh, I’m sorry I didn’t clarify what our hiatus meant and didn’t reach out as much after you left Ohio.”
Josh hiccups, “It’s ok-”
Tyler cuts him off, “No it’s not-” but Josh finishes it for him. “I still f-forgive you.” The deep breath Tyler breathes is shaky and wet, but he nods against Josh and doesn’t fight it. “Did-did you…?” He doesn’t need to finish his question. It’s been a while, but they’ve been here before. He was doing so well. There’s no use hiding it so he slowly nods. Tyler squeezes him impossibly closer as Jenna puts the pieces together; he hadn’t told her yet. She makes a pitiful sound and cuddles into his chest, “It’s ok, and if it’s not, we’re here now and can help you get there, yeah?” No one acknowledges how her voice breaks halfway through.
Once their tears have begun to dry, Josh has an important question. “Is it ok if I regress?” It’s small and timid and his caregivers couldn’t imagine ever denying him. Jenna brushes a stray, greasy curl from his forehead and presses a soft kiss where it was. “Of course, love. Whatever you need.” Josh nods and asks, “Can I have Blankie, please?”
Jenna smiles and rises from the couch, leaving a kiss on his forehead. “I’ll be right back.”
As she leaves, tears burn Josh’s eyelids. “Tyler, please say something,” he hiccups. Tyler takes a shaky breath, “I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “I should’ve done more, maybe realize you were isolating yourself. I should've called more.” Josh turns around in his embrace to face him.
“This isn’t your fault, Ty. I’m the one that didn’t reach out, I’m the one that did it. None of this is your fault and I don’t think… I don’t know if I would’ve let you help me. I let it get too bad again. But now… I need help, please.” Tyler nods and he softly bonks their foreheads together then Josh buries himself in Tyler’s neck mumbling “It’s not your fault,” as he feels himself give in to his pressing regression.
Despite how dirty it is, Tyler soothingly runs his fingers through Josh’s hair until Jenna returns. When she does, she’s holding more than just Blankie. The requested item is placed in Josh's arms and Jenna lifts the rest of what she’s holding for the boys to see. “I brought some pajamas and a pacifier. Thought it might be bath time for a certain stinky boy.” She boops Josh’s nose and he blushes. The two get off the couch and start heading for the bathroom, Tyler carrying the pj’s. He turns around, “Hey Jenna, can you get some food going while I wash him? Nothing elaborate, just whatever is easiest.” She backtracks and gives him a soft kiss, “You doubt my powers," she jokes. He whispers against her lips, “Never,” and then they part ways, Jim following Jenna happily.
In the bathroom, Tyler finds Josh sitting on the lid to the toilet kneading his blanket and bouncing his leg. “Alright bug, time to get clean.” Tyler starts filling the tub with warm water and gathers the kiddie soap bottles Josh uses when he’s regressed. When he turns around to help Josh undress, he finds his boy a nervous mess. He kneels down to Josh’s level and lightly tugs his bottom lip away from where his teeth are pulling on it. “Hey, we don’t have to acknowledge it just yet, I can ignore it. But I am going to bandage them when you get out of the bath, okay?” Josh nods and Tyler studies his face. “Do you want to bathe by yourself?” Josh shakes his head. “Okay, we're gonna go slow alright?”
Blankie is set on the counter, far from the tub and possible splashes, and taking Josh’s shirt and socks off is easy. When it’s time for his pants he starts to get fidgety. Tyler places a soft kiss on his forehead, “It’s ok bubba, we’re going to get through this together now.” Josh takes his pants and boxers off together and then stands with his eyes squeezed shut, resisting the urge to cover his wounds. Tyler quickly takes them in then moves on for both of their sakes. “Good job buddy, I’m proud of you. Let me help you into the tub.”
Josh sits with his knees pulled to his chest the whole time Tyler is washing his hair, but seems to relax as he massages the shampoo in. He even starts to nod off but Tyler gently shakes him awake each time he does. Like normal, Tyler gets a soapy rag ready and hands it to Josh before turning around. When he’s done Tyler helps him finish rinsing off, and of course, wraps him in a fluffy towel. He lets Josh put on his boxers while he pulls the first aid kit out from under the sink then helps him get his pajama shirt on. “Do you want your paci bub?” When Josh nods, Tyler clips it to his shirt then directs it to his mouth and returns Blankie from his spot on the counter. He gets the essentials out of the first aid kit and kneels down to where Josh is sitting on the toilet seat again. “If you need me to stop at any time just tell me ok?” Josh nods. “Ok, are you ready?” Another nod.
Tyler takes a deep breath and nudges Josh’s boxers up a little bit on his left leg so he can see everything. It’s just on his left but in a more concentrated area. The cuts themselves look new and different than the scars underneath. These are clean and thin while his older scars are jagged, uneven, and shallow. Tyler sucks in a breath, “Did you… did you use a blade this time?” Josh nods slowly, “Didn’ like it.” Tyler breathes a small sigh of relief and starts applying Neosporin to his leg. Josh whines quietly at the sting so Tyler tries to be gentler. “I know baby, I know,” he shushes. Josh is rewarded a light kiss to his knee for being so brave when Tyler is done with the ointment. Bandaging it up is awkward because of where his cuts are but Tyler makes it work by scooting Josh forward on the seat. He’s almost done wrapping his leg when he says, “Can you tell me why you did it? It’s ok if you can’t.”
Josh removes his paci, “If hurt here,” he points at his leg, “then hurt here,” he points at his head, “might matter.” He sniffs as he replaces his paci and avoids eye contact. Tyler tapes off the edge of the gauze as he finishes. He takes Josh’s hand in his and brushes a wet curl from his face. “Josh, your struggles will always matter, you don’t need to create something physical to deserve help or care,” Tyler reassures. Josh nods and sniffs as a tear rolls down his cheek. Tyler wipes it away lovingly. “What do you need?” Josh reaches out and wraps his arms around Tyler’s neck, who chuckles. “Ok bug, I hear you.” He gently picks Josh up off the seat from under his thighs, turns around, and sits down so Josh is in his lap. It’s a little awkward as the seat isn’t exactly made for two people, but they make it work.
Tyler gently rubs a hand up and down Josh’s back and his boy cries quietly into his shoulder. He whispers sweet nothings in his ear and occasionally brushes a hand through his hair, rocking them back and forth until Josh’s cries subside. When they do, he gently directs Josh away from his hiding post in his shoulder. “Do you feel better now?” Josh nods and Tyler wipes leftover tears from his face. “Jenna made us some dinner, are you ready to go eat?” This nod is more enthusiastic, and Tyler chuckles. He quickly reaches for a bit of toilet paper to wipe the snot from Josh’s nose, then helps him stand and put on his sleep shorts. Making sure they’re not about to leave a comfort item behind, Tyler directs him towards the kitchen.
When they get there, Josh toddles clumsily to Jenna and hugs her from behind as she stirs something on the stove. “Well, someone smells much better!” She turns around in his hold, “How was your bath, stinky?” Josh pouts, he wasn’t that bad... well honestly he probably was. Jenna laughs and kisses his forehead. “He did a good job staying still and getting cleaned up, he almost fell asleep in the bath though,” Tyler informs her. Josh lets go of Jenna and slumps over to one of the stools on the kitchen island. He clumsily takes a seat and rests his head on his crossed arms, though he's still watching his surroundings. Jim moves to sit by his feet and though he can't read Jim's mind, Josh knows this is his way of reminding Josh he's here in the moment.
“Tyler, can you get one of his plates and sippy cups from the cabinet,” Jenna asks. He gives her the plate and fills the sippy cup with chocolate milk, Josh’s favorite. Jenna sets a plate with mac and cheese, green beans, and chicken nuggets in front of Josh and moves Blankie to the stool next to him, reassuring him that Blankie will be there when he’s done. “Thank ‘ou for food Jenna!” he babbles around his paci before letting it hang from the clip on his shirt.
Tyler puts a bib on him when he comes around with his sippy cup, and Josh messily digs into his dinner. His caregivers laugh and make their own plates of food. Dinner is peaceful and domestic and they all see hope for the next few days. They just need to remember recovery isn’t linear and it will take time. They can be patient though.
When Josh is done he pushes his clean plate away and shows his caregivers his messy hands with a giggle. “Did you finish all your food bubba?” Tyler asks playfully. Josh nods and wiggles in his seat. Jenna comes around the counter with a wet rag and wipes Josh’s hands and face, booping his nose when she’s done, as Tyler washes their few dishes. Josh yawns as Jenna removes his bib and she wraps her arms around him from behind. “Someone’s ready for bed, huh?” He leans back into her embrace with a quiet whine.
“Would you like me to carry you bubba?” Tyler asks. With an assenting nod and grabby hands, Tyler picks him up like he did earlier in the bathroom and leads them to the bedroom. He settles against the headboard with Josh on his lap and gently nudges the boy’s soother against his lips for him to take. “Jenna you can shower now then we can switch so he’s not alone,” Jenna agrees without protest and heads for the bathroom with a change of clothes. She’d moved their luggage to the master bedroom for convenience earlier, not even trying to tiptoe around the fact that they’d end up all in the same room at some point. Josh is already fast asleep by the time she’s gone.
Eventually, as Tyler’s nodding off, Jenna returns and they switch. Josh barely reacts apart from some dramatic huffing at being moved from his already comfortable spot. Jenna spoons him and puts his Jimmy plush in reach, just in case. Somewhere in the juggling of places, he’d latched onto Blankie and was peacefully asleep again. She’s glad; he needs and deserves it.
Tyler returns from his shower and flops onto the bed. Jenna half-heartedly chides him for jostling the sleeping little even though he doesn't stir. Tyler lays on his side and throws an arm over Josh’s torso and over to Jenna. They lay in silence for a bit, just breathing in the day and their proximity. Tyler can feel that Josh is on the way to healing, but immediately notices the slight crease in Jenna’s brow and worries in her eyes. He grazes his fingers over her side and when she looks at him, he gives her a curious look. Her mouth opens and closes for a moment as she gathers her words. “What happens now?”
Tyler knows. He's done this before. “We stay. We don’t… don’t leave him alone with himself.” Jenna raises a questioning, but not uncaring, brow. “We won’t smother him,” he reassures. “He can have space whenever he wants or needs it. We just make sure he doesn’t hurt himself,” a soft kiss is placed on the subject’s head, “and we remind him how to reach out again. We remind him that we love him and are here for him, always.”
Jenna nods in understanding. “I’ve already canceled our flight home.” Tyler breathes a sigh of relief. The married couple exchange “I love you’s” and soft kisses to palms and knuckles over their little, their best friend, and fall into restful sleep alongside him.