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It was an, admittedly dark, but funny tik tok. It shouldn’t upset him this much and yet, here Josh is. curled in as small a ball as he can make, rapidly involuntarily regressing on his best friends’ couch. All because of a tik tok. He bites his lip to hold back a sob as the way the nice lady had said, ”Stick around for me,” replays in his head. Maybe if it wasn’t getting late and he’d gotten some more sleep recently he wouldn’t be reacting like this. Bit late for that now.
His chest fills with an uncomfortable, aching grief as he restrains another sob against the couch cushion. As his coherent thinking slips younger and younger, he wishes he had Blankie or a paci with him. No, more than that, he wishes Tyler or Jenna were here with him. He easily could call out for them and they would be there but he’s shaking and sobbing and losing his grasp of the present moment. All he can think about is the motherly way the woman in the video had spoken, how caringly she’d asked the viewers, thousands of strangers, to “stick around.”
Josh’s current mindset can’t come up with why it’s affecting him so much, but later he’ll figure out that this 15 second video brought him more motherly comfort than his mom ever did. The grief in his chest was for the love he never received, for the child he was.
He hears the line again, ”Stick around for me,” and his cries are too much to hold back anymore. He can’t tell how loud he’s being due to the blood rushing in his ears and he can use his thumb to soothe himself because of how badly his sobs are shaking his form. Josh can’t tell how small he is anymore, he just knows that he feels lost and confused and that he wants to be held so badly. Something his mom never did for him. (Though he’s not sure he ever trusted her enough to be comfortable doing so anyway.)
Just as he’s starting to feel like he’s going to throw up, he hears two pairs of hurried feet coming down the stairs behind him. He hears questions but can’t process the words for an answer and flinches when a pair of hands cup his cheeks. He blearily opens his watery eyes and, although it’s hard to see, can make out the form of Jenna in front of him.
Without thinking he whines, “Mama,” and it’s almost interrupted by a hiccup. He blinks more tears from his eyes and sees the shocked expression on Jenna’s face. He’s never called her that before. He tries to pull away, panicked that he upset her, but one of her hands falls to softly squeeze his shoulder and the other keeps cradling his cheek. Her thumb softly wipes away the tears that continue to fall. “It’s ok baby, I can be Mama.”
Josh crumbles and he mumbles a weak, “Mama,” again. She shushes him and presses a kiss to his forehead. “What happened darling,” she asks so sweetly. Tears rise in his eyes again as he’s reminded of the initial trigger. “Tik-Tik Tok lady,” he sobs. Jenna raises a questioning brow at him, but Tyler speaks up from where he’d been giving the two space and Josh finally registers his presence. “Jen, where’s his phone?”
Jenna scans the couch and surrounding area until finding it on the floor, half under the coffee table. When she unlocks it, it’s still open to the video. Josh whines when he hears it. Jenna and Tyler watch it together before Tyler is on his knees next to Jenna to get to Josh. They don’t completely get why it was so triggering to their boy but they know he needs them.
Jenna watches it again and makes a connection. “Josh, honey, was it the joke or the response that made you upset?” Feeling calmer due to his caregivers being nearby, Josh’s tears have calmed some. He sadly raises his hand with two fingers raised and sniffs.
Tyler catches on to the connections Jenna is making and adds on, “Is it… Is it the ‘stick around’ or her,” he gestures his hands vaguely, searching for the words, “motherly delivery?” Josh processes his words slowly, then nods in reference to both. His “mommy issues” aren’t new to his caregivers as he’s open about his past with his two best friends and she’s one of the reasons he regresses in the first place.
He squeezes his eyes shut against the way their expressions fall. “What can we do for you, love?” Jenna asks. He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out so he gestures, asking for his phone. He opens the notes app and slowly types two words as the letters blur together and exhaustion tugs at his brain. He hands his phone back for them to read.
slep , cuddlees
“Of course, bug,” Tyler runs a hand through Josh’s curls. “Can I carry you to bed?” Josh nods and Tyler carries him like a baby all the way to the master bedroom. If he was less tired or feeling a little older he would feel bad about the tears and snot he was undoubtedly getting on Tyler’s shirt.
The TV show they were watching before his cries echoed from the living room was paused and as they returned, turned off by Jenna. Josh’s jeans are swiftly and smoothly replaced with sleep shorts and he’s settled between his caregivers with Tyler spooning him and Jenna pulling his head to rest in the curve of her shoulder. One of his hands clutches weakly at the material of her shirt and he breathes in the safe atmosphere gratefully.
It only takes a few moments of whispered love and the holding he’d been wanting for Josh to fall asleep between the two people he trusts most.