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Things went wrong. Very wrong.
In an effort to stop Cartman’s ridiculous plans to kill his young self, Kyle ended up traveling to the past. Alone. How the fuck was he supposed to go back?
They were supposed to do this together. Yes, Cartman included. Despite everything, he was still part of the group. Everything would be easier if he wasn’t, though.
He didn’t even land right, materializing on top of a tree and then clumsily falling off it, hitting his head. Momentarily disoriented, he got up and tried to analyze where he was. It was a pretty green area, the woods, maybe?
“Look, let’s just face it, you guys-” He heard a voice he hadn’t heard in decades. His head whipped around, looking for its owner. His eyes spotted a bridge and his heart skipped a beat.
Oh.
“Are you seriously saying what I think you are?” his ten-year-old self spoke, disbelief in his tone.
“Alright, guys.” And there he was, his voice as grating as ever. Cartman.
I guess it’s time we all had the talk we never wanted to have.
Kyle had thought of this sentence for so long and yet, hearing it out loud…he couldn’t help flinching reflexively. Frowning, he began walking towards them, towards the bridge. How many times had he dreamt of this moment? Of this very exchange? How many times had he hoped to react differently?
“Look, it’s been a hard year.” Stan declared, and it was almost intimidating how determined he sounded. Even to an old man like Kyle. The very thought made him snort. He was an old man.
“I’ve been trying as hard as I can to hold things together…” Cartman added, and Kyle was surprised to note the genuine dejection in the words. He kept walking, though for some reason, it didn’t feel like he was getting any closer. Nor did the voices sound closer to him.
In fact, it felt like he was getting further and further away from the bridge entirely. The small figures he could barely distinguish were getting even smaller. Was he walking backwards? What was going on?
He stretched an arm out, but it was futile. He couldn’t reach them. Couldn’t hear them anymore now. They were leaving. They were walking away. He tried to run after them; yet, no matter how much he moved, the distance only grew larger. He shouted at them.
They didn’t hear.
–
Kyle watched himself sit on a bench, alone. His young version was very still, seemingly absorbed in his thoughts. Rather than just sad, he was shocked and confused. Trying to understand how the situation came to this. How could his friends grow tired of him…?
Was he tired of his friends? Well, yeah, he was. He never thought that would make them stop hanging out, though. It’s not like he had ever contemplated a life without them in the picture. Annoying or not, they were part of his regular life, of his routine.
And he especially had not contemplated the idea of his friends being tired of him.
After a while, the kid got up and went to his house with an impassive expression.
Kyle sighed.
–
Any motivation Kyle ever had to solve the dispute with his friends as children had gone away. In fact, he could feel his determination wither away the more days went by. How long was it that he had been in the past now? Weeks? A month maybe?
It was embarrassing to admit, but the past didn’t feel so much different from his day to day life. It was uneventful, boring and monotonous. Actually, this was probably where it all had started. The moment where life had turned dull and repetitive. And, as horrifying as realizing that the past 40 years of your life had been the same, Kyle was just…
Used to it.
It was too easy to grow accustomed to this pace, and that’s what he did. Slipped in the comfort of absolute nothingness in his everyday life. Sometimes he wondered if he was going to disintegrate and die randomly because this wasn’t where he was supposed to be. Yet that thought was easily displaced by his mundane occurrences.
Even seeing his younger self had lost its novelty. He was used to it by this point. Wearing that stupid hat as a shield, as if the world hadn’t forgotten about him already and moved on.
At first, child Kyle attempted to hang with other kids of his age, only to grow tired of them soon enough and give up. The discovery he was making this time, however, was that it was mutual. Kyle was so used to the hostility in his group that didn’t pick it up as something unusual in these potential friendship groups. The eyerolls and the mumbling, the exasperation and the arguments. He thought of them as normal.
Turns out, most kids don’t want to be in constant conflict.
“What are you looking at?!” Adult Kyle’s introspection was interrupted and, when he looked up, he found two fiery green eyes glaring back at him. Oh, shit.
Acting as if he hadn’t heard, he started walking back.
“Hey! I’m talking to you, old creep!”
The insult incensed him, and he turned around against his better judgment. “Who do you think you’re calling a creep?”
Kyle’s eyes widened, and he realized, belatedly, that he had made things worse. “Who are you?” The anger was still there, now with a tinge of fear.
He covered his mouth in response, as if afraid some noise would spill out of his lips accidentally.
They stared at each other for an instant and somehow, that was more than enough for the younger Kyle to figure it out. His face went through a multitude of emotions before finally settling for a soft, “It can’t be…”
Somehow relieved the cat was out of the bag, he didn’t attempt to deny it. “It is.” In the distance, a glimmer of hope that he didn’t want to nurture yet.
“But how?” Kyle inquired, and there was skepticism in his expression. “Wait, this isn’t one of Cartman’s plans, is it?”
The question took him aback. Simply because, even with four decades of difference, it reflected his personality so well. “It isn’t. And it’s a long story.” He let his weight fall next to the boy’s on the bench.
The younger Kyle stared at the ground silently. After a minute or so, he spoke again. “Okay, so let me guess. You’re here to teach me some lessons?”
“Well, actually-”
“And you’re gonna tell me how to fix the broship.” Kyle crossed his arms, smugly. “I knew it, there was no way this would last forever. We’ve always been together so…” His voice trailed off upon seeing the adult’s sorry expression. “R-Right?”
The older Kyle inhaled heavily. “Kyle…”
“No…” The kid averted his gaze, in denial. “No way…”
“I’m sorry…”
“So we never become friends again?” Young eyes pierced into his soul, full of despair. “This is the end for us?”
“We meet again, 40 years later-”
“40 years later?!” Kyle repeated, incredulous. “You didn’t talk to them for 40 years?!”
“They left the town and I-”
“And you didn’t stop them?!” The boy was shouting now, attracting some glances in the vicinity.
The older Kyle raised his hands in a pacifying manner. “You need to lower your-”
“No!” The small hand slapped his own away. “What the fuck? You didn’t even do anything? You didn’t try to stop your friends?!”
“We didn’t do anything,” he corrected him.
“No.” Kyle refused, shaking his head. “You’re not me. There’s no way. There’s no way I’d grow into such a…” His mouth opened and closed, and the elder could see himself searching for words.
“Failure?” he offered sarcastically.
“Pansy,” the kid blurted instead, and the other had to do a double take.
“Excuse me?!”
“Yeah!” Kyle stood on the bench, as if he suddenly understood everything. “That’s it! Cartman hired some loser to convince me I’d end up like him!” He glanced around. “The jig is up, fat ass! Come on out here!”
His motions were erratic, and something akin to a hysterical grin formed on the young Kyle’s face. The denial was obvious, and the way he desperately called for Cartman struck a chord in the older Kyle’s heart.
With dawning horror, he was reminded of his own refusal to believe that Cartman had turned Jewish and was a happily married man, as well as a loving father. His conviction that it was all a ploy to mess with him. That Cartman had spent 40 years scheming against Kyle. How could he not?
Did he always blame Cartman whenever he felt cornered, though?
What happened to taking responsibility for himself?
What happened to doing his best to learn and grow every day?
When did he become so stuck-up and stubborn?
Kyle looked at his hands, noticing the veins and wrinkles on his palms. He wasn’t ten years old anymore. He had stopped being ten years old a long time ago, in fact.
But he had never changed. He had never stopped to watch and acknowledge the world changing around him. Everyone…ever endlessly changing and leaving. A part of him might have known. No, it did. He just didn’t want to accept it. He didn’t want to face this new world that kept going without him. He closed his eyes to it all, hoping that one day things would be normal again.
That his friends would come back, and they would hang together like usual.
Except that usual had slowly turned into unusual, into a distant memory, with the passage of time. Could you really call normalcy something that hasn’t happened in decades?
It was the opposite, actually.
“Are you- Are you crying?!” he heard his young self ask in disbelief.
“Uh…” Kyle rubbed his eyes on instinct. It had been a while since he shed tears over…anything, really. “I guess I am” he said, and it struck him with painful clarity how much he sounded like his father.
“Wh…Why?!” his smaller version demanded, clearly disturbed.
Because I’m more similar to you than I wish I was.
Kyle cleared his throat, surreptitiously wiping his tears meanwhile. “You don’t believe me, do you?” He smiled sadly. “Do you want proof?”
The other squinted in distrust. Cautiously, he took one step backwards. Kyle snorted. Did he suddenly remember he was supposed to be careful with strangers?
Without waiting for a response, he lifted his shirt, revealing a scar where his liver should be. When young, that scar had become an annoying reminder that he was alive thanks to Cartman. And when he parted ways with his friends, a painful one.
That same pain was reflected in little Kyle’s eyes, mixed with both shock and incredulity.
“We were saved by-”
“Don’t say it,” Kid Kyle cut him off with a grimace. With a resigned sigh, he sat back on the bench. “Seriously…?” he complained at the ground, the grass even.
They said nothing for a while, probably thinking of the same thing. Of how everything sucked and there was no hope.
“I came here to stop you guys from severing the friendship,” the older Kyle finally confessed. “Back at the bridge…but I was too late.” Memories began flooding him again, but he shook them away. “No.” He frowned. “I got scared. It wasn’t too late, I just didn’t know what to do. I froze and let it happen.” He saw his dispirited younger version next to him and suddenly was filled with determination. “We can fix this, we still can.”
“No way…” Kyle hadn’t stopped staring at the green, wet grass. “It’s all over…I’m gonna be a loser…”
“Kyle!” He grabbed his own, smaller shoulders. God, he was seriously so small. “Listen to me, you can do this, but you’re gonna have to do something you’ve never done before.”
Slowly, the child raised his eyes. The smallest sparkle of hope was hiding in them. “What do you mean?”
Closing his eyes, Kyle inhaled deeply. “You’re gonna have to reflect on yourself.” He paused. “The way you’ve never done before.” The way he hadn’t before, either.
Younger Kyle blinked twice. “Huh?”
“You heard me.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did.”
“No, I did no-”
“Do you want your friends back or not?!” Adult Kyle shook the other’s shoulders.
The kid flinched a little. “Y-Yeah.”
“Then…you’re gonna have to be more honest with yourself. And with them, too.”
As expected, Kyle tried to act like he didn’t get it. However, it was there, deep down. Faintly, almost imperceptible. Who else but himself to masterfully pick it up, though?
Fear.
“You’re gonna apologize to Stan for being a distant friend. And no, it has nothing to do with Covid. This is from before, and you know it.”
Kyle averted his gaze like the stubborn child he was. “Okay,” he muttered.
“You should probably be nicer to Kenny too,” he added.
The ten year old raised an eyebrow. “Sure? I’ve never had a problem with Kenny, though.”
“Just listen to what I’m saying.”
“Fine.”
Kyle exhaled, eyes glued on his younger self. The next one wouldn’t be easy, so he had to be careful with his words, or it could seriously backfire on him. Well, them.
“Then, there’s Cartman-“
“I’m not gonna apologize to Cartman!” Kyle immediately interrupted. “And I’m not gonna be nicer to him either!” he continued, furious.
“No, fuck that!” the adult blurted out, with equal aggression. “He’s a goddamn- Wait, what I mean is…” He scratched his head, looking for the best way to word his thoughts. “Well…”
Little Kyle squinted at him. “What?”
“You…” Kyle gestured helplessly, at a loss for words.
“What?!”
“You like having him around,” he finally let out. “You enjoy having him in your life. He’s the fucking worst, I know, but-”
“You’re just fucking with me now.” Kyle waved his hand dismissively.
“No, Kyle, this is very important! I know how hard it is to hear this. Believe me, I would know better than anyone.”
“You’re just an old geezer deluded by nostalgia.” The child rolled his eyes.
“...Okay,” Kyle deadpanned, straightening himself. “I’m going to ignore that.” He glanced at the small being beside him. The boy had his arms crossed, this time out of annoyance. Trying to go for a more sympathetic approach, he stretched his hand to pat his back.
“Don’t touch me.”
Alright, he should’ve known better. His hand fell back to his side. “Listen, Kyle, I’m not saying your relationship is like the one you have with Stan. No, you fight- we fight with Cartman all the time, right? Right. That’s most likely not gonna change. I’m just saying…you have to recognize that you don’t…entirely hate him. Things are not the same without him.”
“Things are better,” the child said with gritted teeth, looking away.
“Remember what we used to say? ‘I learned something today.’ When was the last time we learned something, Kyle?”
Kyle’s jaw dropped, and the elder knew he had hit the bullseye. “That’s…”
“To grow, we need to keep learning things. Change and evolve, that’s the way to keep going. Hate and denial will only get you stuck, unable to move past it.” He eyed the snow-covered trees. “Take it from me…someone who didn’t grow.”
“So…are you saying that I need to stop hating Cartman to grow?”
“It’s a start.” Older Kyle chuckled. “If you accept that the most obnoxious person in your life isn’t actually the worst thing that ever happened to you, then…you’ll have an easier time with the realities of life?” He scratched his head, wondering if he was making sense.
“Hm…”
“Life is hard, Kyle.” He raised his eyes to the sky, somehow feeling lighter. “Don’t get stuck at the starting line.”
“W-Will I really be okay if I do those things?” he heard his little self ask.
“You’ll be better off than me, for sure.” Kyle said before turning to the kid with a smile. “Just don’t forget to keep moving.”
The boy was still scared and trying to process all the information, but he nodded with determination, and Kyle nodded back at him. “Okay.” His tiny feet landed on the ground.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” The child was growing more confident by the second. “I’m gonna call Stan and get us all together. I’ll talk to them. I will.” He kept hyping himself out loud.
“You got this,” Kyle encouraged him.
“Yeah...” Small Kyle stared at him, solemnly. “Thank you.” It was curt, but it was genuine. And Kyle could tell because they were the same person.
“You’re welcome, Kyle.”
With one last nod, the child stormed off. “Wait!” he said, after a few seconds, turning around.
“Yeah?”
“I guess…” A childish giggle. “I guess I did learn something today.”
Kyle snorted with amusement. “Yes, you did.”
They smiled at each other, before the kid resumed his running, this time not looking back.
Even if a lot of things were still up in the air, Kyle felt oddly satisfied and hopeful after that conversation. If not for him, then at least for his younger, brighter version.
He glanced at the ground and noticed his feet were fading away. Like, dematerializing out of reality, disappearing into nothing.
Oh, it was really happening.
He had changed the course of the story, and now his current self was about to vanish out of existence. Most likely to make place for an improved, better Kyle.
A Kyle that did grow.
As his legs began disintegrating, Kyle swallowed nervously. What was going to happen to him? Would his new self remember something about the alternate timeline? Or will he have no idea?
Will the ten-year-old Kyle he just talked to remember him?
He closed his eyes when his torso began fading away, with the last image on his mind being that old picture he kept of his friends.