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The first time they held hands – well obviously not the first time – but the first time with intention, was honestly a bit overwhelming.
Gon’s hand had tapped at Killua’s thin fingers rhythmically as they walked leisurely through the forest – feet slow, crunching on dirt and dried leaves. It drove Killua a bit mad, knuckles tapping his as he kept up his pace to Gon’s with ease. He wanted to grab onto Gon’s hand, he wanted to hold his hand. And not hold his hand like all the incidental times in the past, those ones with a different purpose than hand-holding. He wanted to hold his hand for holding hands sake and it was a tingling feeling that crawled up from his fingers and buzzed around his mind and heart.
The worst part was that Gon kept chattering away about trees and small creatures and flowers and rocks they came across. His eyes were shining in that way that emphasized to Killua that he was honestly enjoying himself. Gon had always loved nature and seeing him talk about it causes Killua’s chest to swell with affection, making words he’s too scared to say ready to spill out, fond sweet words that came easily to Gon. But it was also terrible because Killua was pretty sure that Gon didn’t even notice how he was gently assaulting his fingers in a twisted handholding temptation spell. He was doing it unintentionally as his eyes looked at everything around them with so much love but didn’t spare a minute for Killua.
Not that Killua really wanted Gon to look at him with that same intensity of affection, in the way he really did but he didn’t think he could handle how it would make him feel appropriately, without having some sort of mental meltdown and verbal vomit.
Killua didn’t want Gon to look at him right now, he just… kinda… wanted him to hold his freaking hand. He wanted Gon to want to hold his hand.
Killua also didn’t want to do anything as traumatizing as initializing the event. A huge part of himself called him a coward and another huge part said he was brave he just was too chill to do dumb stuff like handholding and if Gon wanted to he’d be fine but it’s not like he needs to have his hand held by his stupid kind of boyfriend.
It’d been a full week since they started going out, an extremely traumatizing event that Killua really doesn’t want to think of (he cried, it was super embarrassing and in the least bit chill) and so far nothing really of anything has changed. Which was mostly okay with Killua, he had really just wanted to get his feelings across due to their horrible overbearingness of it all. He hadn’t really planned much in the chance that anything would come out of his confession, other than that he may indeed die and if he did Alluka gets all his stuff.
But alas he was alive and with a boy, the boy, Gon, that likes him back. And he was losing his mind over some knuckle to finger contact.
This was obviously a fate worse than death. He was fifteen how does anyone expect him to deal with this in the least. He likes to boast about being more mature and suave and whatever the fuck else he thought he was but in this moment he felt small and juvenile. He wasn’t mature enough for this! Romantic handholding was a level that was too extreme for him! Killua had to go like, train for a month in the wilderness before he could grind enough levels to do this!
“Killua?”
And per say even if Killua did somehow magic the ability to hold Gon’s hand how would he even go about it? Would Gon even appreciate the gesture? Did Gon even actually understand Killua’s feelings? Is Gon just humoring Killua and doesn’t think Killua wants to do anything? And if he did in fact do anything would Gon be like disgusted with him? Or worse, disappointed!
“Killua.”
If Gon actually did appreciate the handholding wouldn’t Killua just fuck it up all the same? It’s not like Killua’s got nice hands like Gon, they’re lanky and gross and he bites his nails sometimes. Gon who’s gone out on a bunch of different dates has probably held some really pretty or soft hands in his life and wouldn’t Killua’s rough, calloused, and bony hands be uncomfortable to hold.
“Killua.”
Isn’t that why all the times Gon’s held his hands in the past have been purely utilitarian? Because Gon doesn’t in fact like holding his hand. I mean if Gon does in fact like him back like he said then wouldn’t the open and honest and brave Gon have held his hand in the past for non-utilitarian use? Killua probably definitely has horrible ha—
“Killua I can hear you thinking from here!” Gon laughs as he pulls in front of Killua, grabbing both of his hands into Gon’s warm, large, calloused ones. Killua looks up abruptly (he hadn’t even noticed he had been brooding at the ground) and Gon’s face is right in front of his by maybe a foot. “What’s wrong?” Gon smiled warmly laced with a little concern.
If Killua’s mind was a train it had just derailed, thousands dead, even more injured, news reporters all over the world are calling it a tragedy, nobody can look away from the heap of burning metal and corpses. In other words his mouth just kinda flapped about like a fish out of water as he tried to even comprehend what had just taken place.
“Ha-Hand.” Killua sputtered as he put his full attention to their combined appendages, not being able to really look Gon straight in the face.
Unfortunately Gon misunderstood, “Oh! Sorry.” He sheepishly laughed as he started pulling his hands away. “I kinda, just wanted to—”
“No!” Killua tightened his grip and held the other boys hand in place. Gon’s eyes widened but stopped his retreat, letting the weight of his hand rest in Killua’s. Killua bit his lip as he finally looked up to Gon, “I-I want to.” He cursed himself a million times for stuttering, why couldn’t he be confident about these things, it was nothing more than holding a hand with Gon of all people. But that’s exactly what it was, holding hands with Gon of all people in the world. He looked tentatively at Gon, trying to judge his reaction as best as he could in his already flustered state, “that is, if you want to…” he mumbles out earnestly.
Gon blinks, “Is this what you were overthinking earlier?” he asks, tone dumbfounded. Killua felt embarrassment shoot up his spine to the tips of his hair and Gon was amazed at how red he could turn all of a sudden.
“I! Was absolutely!” Killua leaned back a bit as if to get some space, not loosening his hold on Gon’s hands in the least, looking everywhere but Gon’s whole existence, “not, definitely not, why would I be thinking about wanting to hold hands with you that’s ridiculous” He laughs nervously, sharply and a bit hysterical.
Gon bites his lip, “Oh, well that’s okay, I just thought it would be nice if we were thinking about the same thing.” He tilts his head sheepishly, a bashful grin breaking across his features.
This boy! Was going to be the death of Killua! “You were thinking what?!” was all he could squawk out in his surprise.
“Well I’ve been thinking I wanted to hold your hand for a while now.” Gon stated simply, “and I’m happy you said you wanted to hold my hand too.” He smiled widely but with still of an edge of nervousness.
“But my hands are…” Killua stopped himself before he could finish the self-depreciation, his stomach churned and his hands felt sweaty and his face was hot and he felt nervous all over his body but Gon’s hands warm and comfortable and reassuring while being simultaneously the reason for all his nervousness “Why?” he croaked out quietly.
Gon tilted his head to the side trying to understand what his boyfriend meant. “Well I mean it’s because I like you and I think your cute so I wa--!!” Killua’s hand was all of a sudden in Gon’s face muffling him.
“No! Not that you idiot!” Gon was surprised at how much redder the pale boy had got in that moment. “I mean… if you wanted to hold my hand why you didn’t just do so earlier?” he mumbles as his hand still holding Gon’s tenses.
Killua was nervous and confused why he was even asking these things, his brain was getting fuzzier and he was starting to enjoy the subtle ache in his chest, but he kept asking.
Gon took a deep breath and in that singular moment Killua was sure that Gon was done with him, that Killua was being weird and annoying, and Killua just wanted to run away before he could get dumped.
But Gon laced their fingers together and Killua couldn’t run, he would be killing this bond between their hands if he did and so he couldn’t.
“Killua,” Gon was looking at their hands while Killua was looking at his face, could see how he was biting the inside of his mouth, “you make me so nervous sometimes.” He laughs anxiously as he looks away towards the dirt and the earth and grass, as if he was just as overwhelmed as Killua was. “I didn’t hold your hand earlier because I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to. I’ve been tapping our hands together for a while now hoping that you would take the hint and grab my hand.” Killua felt a shiver run up to the tips of his ear, “And the only reason I finally ended up grabbing your hand was because I was concerned about how you were mulling something over and my concern gave me the courage to do what I was scared to do in the first place.” Killua tried to open his mouth and say something but Gon just continued, “I just… I just want to make you happy Killua so I don’t want to do anything you wouldn’t like, but when I start thinking about that I end up getting really self-conscious and worried all the time when I’m around you and I try to pretend that I’m not that nervous because I mean it’s just you Killua what’s to be nervous about?” Gon breathes heavily and his arms shake slightly in a way that Killua wouldn’t notice if he was holding the other boys hand in his own.
“So I guess I mean to say that the reason I didn’t hold your hand in the first place was the same reason I did hold your hand.” Gon looked up with a wobbly grin, straight into Killua’s wide eyes, “Because I really like you Killua.”
Killua’s eyes widened and his heart was beating like a million miles per hour probably and all of a sudden guilt crawled up to his mouth, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you say all that…”
Gon laughed breathlessly, “Don’t be! I actually feel a lot better now that I said it. I don’t like pretending around Killua.”
Killua laughed too, caught up in his own relief, “You dumbass…” Gon beamed at him, never looking so happy at being insulted before. Killua squeezed his hand as they started walking again side by side.
“So what were you overthinking?” Killua stiffens and sinks to his knees in pure embarrassment.
He buried his free hand into his face as he buried that into his knees and mumbles something incomprehensible. “What was that?”
“I was totally thinking about wanting to hold hands with you.” Killua despairs into his hand.
Gon grin feels like it’s gonna split his own face in half but he can’t help it he’s so happy, he squats down right next to his boyfriend and takes the hand interlaced with his and kisses Killua’s pale fingers. “What are you doing that for?!” Killua squawks, impossibly redder in the face than before, Gon kinda wants to figure out how red he can make Killua face but he puts that thought aside.
“Because I’m really happy.” Gon smiles brightly at him, “But if you didn’t like it I won’t ever do it again.” His smile dims into something more serious.
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it geez!” Killua panics out, feeling out of breath.
“So you did like it?” Gon asks innocently.
“Oh god don’t make me answer that.” Killua whines.
Gon just giggles. Killua looks up at him shyly before he just huffs out a long held breath. He sports a soft smile and exasperated eyes but it’s warm, his hand is warm and sweaty but Gon is holding onto it and Killua kinda just grins back. Killua is still nervous and kind of achy all over but he just can’t believe how happy Gon makes him sometimes.
And Killua’s really happy. A lot of him feels lighter and he feel like if he speaks he might end up spilling everyone or talk to fast or do something embarrassing. But he also feels a bit better about it. He’s not the only one that’s nervous.
Eventually they get up and continue their walk. They don’t let go though, to the point of some ridiculous maneuvers to keep a hold onto each other. A tension releases between the two of them as the push and pull each other and laugh and giggle.
Nothing much has changed from when they played and hanged out when they were younger, hands laced together and redder cheeks are the biggest difference.
Killua can’t forget the feeling of Gon’s hand in his for days, his hands tingling with the leftover sensation. Gon holds his hand more often though so he’s getting used to it.