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“Merry Christmas, everyone!”
“Merry Christmas!”
“Merry Christmas.”
A sound of three glasses clinking together followed the rondo of cheers. Murky white custard was held in the hands of the blonde. She wore very casual clothing, with a matching pair of pajamas that was likely what she would be sleeping in, and a small Santa hat on her head. A disgusting brown liquid that was indiscernible was held by the redhead. Her outfit was the same as her usual outing ones, an ill-fitting pair of shorts for the weather and the lightest jacket she could have picked out. A matching Santa hat adorned her head.
The clear water in her own glass quickly slipped down her throat. Akemi Homura herself sat awkwardly in her school uniform. It made the whole thing feel more formal than she had intended. At least she had her red ribbons in her hair. They seemed to fit in at the very least.
This celebration had been a last minute venture. It had likely been bouncing around the dome of the blonde sat across from her for weeks. Homura wasn’t one to stay around after a Wraith hunt for very long though.
The two big cubes of ice in her glass clinked together as she cast her gaze down at it. The shouting of the redhead had already started filling the room.
She felt incredibly out of place.
Wraith hunting had ended later than usual tonight. It was a cold night on the 25th of December. They had to make sure that all the Wraiths were purged and then some. The date was close to changing over by the time they finished. Tomoe Mami had proposed that the three of them still try and cobble something together for the holiday.
Kyouko Sakura was all over the idea, of course. Especially when Mami went on to say she’d be willing to whip up a quick meal and dessert for the occasion. Homura found her stomach feeling queasy at the idea. But she still went along with it.
The three of them had not grown close, by any means. Homura still stayed comfortably at arms length from the other two girls most of the time. But the air around them was far more comfortable than it had been months prior. There wasn’t an uneasiness that passed in those moments of respite when nobody knew what to say. The company was enough for them.
It was weird. Being in the middle of this trio was weird. She’d adapted. It was something she’d grown very good at. The other two had as well, to this Homura different to the one they remembered. They worked together in harmony. The Grief Cubes were split evenly, and they would even give up some of their own if one needed them more. Sometimes they would have snacks at Mami’s once a long hunt came to an end.
But that was the extent of it. Not quite friends but more than simply acquaintances or coworkers. They rarely met up if it wasn’t for Wraith hunting. Perhaps not committing fully one way or another was what made her feel so out of place.
They’d hit the streets long after most stores were set to shut. Only a handful were still doing business, and Mami had grabbed some groceries for an impromptu dinner. As well as some last minute chips to hold Kyouko over until it was finished.
Something was in the oven now. Homura hadn’t been paying enough attention to catch what it was. A ham, maybe. Her time had been mostly taken up with dealing with Kyouko’s whining about the lack of snacks whilst Mami worked. The bag of chips had been discarded before they even made it to Mami’s place.
The clock on Mami’s wall had ticked over at some point. Nobody noticed until Mami looked at it to note when to check her oven. Midnight had struck, and the day had changed. It didn’t change the mood, but Mami had hurried to prepare drinks for everyone. Her own contribution to the toast felt half-hearted. Her all wasn’t in it.
Celebrating any sort of holiday was something she hadn’t done since she got here, in this world. Celebrating anything felt wrong to her. It wasn’t for a lack of time. Hunting Wraiths was only a small portion of her day. Just the thought of it felt hollow.
The one person she wanted to spend them with wasn’t here after all.
“...Homura?”
“Huh?”
Homura’s head jumped up and met the confused looks on the other two girl’s faces. Though Kyouko’s expression quickly turned to annoyance. “Hah? Were ya even listening to us? Can'tcha get outta your head for one sec?”
“Kyouko.”
“Whaaaaaaat? Just pokin’ fun.”
Mami sighed and offered Homura a more mellow look. “We were simply discussing what we all used to do around the holidays,” Her glass met the small coffee table they were sitting around and her finger danced along its rim. “It’s been a while since I’ve done anything. Me and my family used to spend days cooking up a banquet for the whole family. It was almost as intense as Wraith hunting! But once it was all over and the rest of the family left, me and my parents would enjoy some cookies and watch some Christmas movies. I can’t imagine any of them being good now.”
The blonde’s expression softened with a small giggle.. She looked on the verge of drooping before Kyouko chimed in. “Was the opposite for me. We used ta try and get somethin’ going with members of the Church. Get people bringing food and having a lil party the day before Christmas. Then we’d take what we could for leftovers the next day,” Her head lolled to the side and a proud expression overwrote her face. “Maaan, the mac and cheese was always the best! Even if that was all we had, I could eat that for days and days!”
Kyouko paused in her tale and blinked. “Oh, and we would, like, go caroling sometimes. That sucked !”
Mami brought a hand up to her face as she giggled. “I never took you for the singing type, Kyouko. Why not put on a little performance for us? Tis the season for it.”
“Don’t get your hopes up!”
Homura felt a small smile tugging at her lips. “I, for one, would love to see it.”
“AbsoLUTELY not!” Kyouko snatched her own drink from the table to take a fat swig from it. Her cheeks were dusted in a light pink. “Well how ‘bout you, Homura?”
“Quick to change the subject, Kyouko. Not even a little Deck the Halls ?”
Mami dodged a small swipe from the redhead with another small giggle. Homura’s smile held for a moment longer. Her head ducked for a moment as she tried to think back. What she used to do for Christmas.
It was weird to think beyond the time loops. They’d become such a part of her being. Recalling anything past that was difficult at times. Memories became distant things that she’d given up on clinging to. There was only one thing that mattered during all that time and one person she cared about remembering. The rest came second.
Time passing itself had become foreign. The first time she’d felt the temperature dropping in this world, it almost left her in shock. People walking around on Halloween made her transform thinking she’d stepped into a Witch’s lair. It was embarrassing whenever she found herself amazed at what was once just a tool to her. Time had freed itself from her clutches. She was subject to it like anybody else. It took time to get used to.
Beyond the girl who wielded time was the girl she used to be. But that girl felt as distant as the girl she’d worked so hard to save now. A different time and a different place. Fragments of her still clung to Akemi. The only one that would likely see those was herself. When nobody else was around, early in the morning, or easing into the afternoon, or late into the evening, or in the dead of night.
Homura lowered a hand down onto her wrist. She couldn’t muster a smile, but she looked up nonetheless. “I never did much. It became harder to celebrate after I was administered to the hospital. I never looked at the Holidays negatively, but not fondly either.” This was technically her first Christmas after she had “been let out” of the hospital. She’d celebrate her first birthday not long from now either.
It was… surreal to think about. She did her best to stomach it.
“I see…”
“Well, ya get to celebrate one now!” Kyouko tossed her a wide grin, and propped her leg up. “Even if we’re a lil bit late. Christmas is ‘bout, like… spending time with people, y’know? And eating awesome food! We got all the essentials we need, so who cares if it ain’t big!”
Mami tutted, but her grin had returned. “How nicely put, Kyouko. Now all we need is some music to really get into the mood. Perhaps some The Holly and the-”
“I’ll put this spoon through that pretty lil head of yours if you say ONE MORE WORD.”
“Ahhhh, save me, Homura~”
Homura rested her elbow on the table and lifted her hand up to rest her chin on it. “No way.”
“Homuraaaaaa- pbbf!” Mami let out a small noise as her face was suddenly smacked with a cushion, likely the one that Kyouko had been sitting on seconds before she’d snatched it up. The pillow came away and the look across Mami’s face could only be described as true incredulousness.
“Uh oh.”
“Kyoukoooooooooo~”
“Uhhh… Save me Homura?”
Homura’s lip curved up. “No way.”
“At least pick a side would ya!” A red blur tore across to the other side of the living room.
“Get back here!” Mami picked Kyouko’s pillow up before brandishing her own. A true dual wielding demon. A yellow blur was quick to leap across the room. Homura hoped that the neighbors didn’t call the police from the shriek that followed.
Homura watched the exchange for a couple of seconds. Her shoulders moved in a silent giggle of her own. The room was so full of life when these two were around. It contrasted against her so starkly that an outsider might’ve seen her as being held here against her will. She likely was, at first. Yet the mood always managed to infect her. Maybe only a little bit.
Was this what friendship was like? Homura didn’t think so. But it still felt nice.
She brought her glass up to her lips one last time before returning it to the table. She gently pushed herself up to her feet.
“Excuse me for a moment. I’d like some fresh air.”
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The ribbons in Homura’s hair came undone. The neat bow became a loose lump in her palm. It didn’t glitter from the sky above. They barely reflected any light. They were just plain ribbons.
She leaned her body against the railing in front of her. Her palm reached out in front of her with the ball of loose ribbon tickling at her skin. A strong breeze could likely carry it away. Homura was confident enough in her reaction speed if it did. But the notion felt almost silly to her, that the ribbons would try and leave her.
It was quiet out. The noise from inside had resolved into noise that didn’t quite make it through the walls, other than the occasional yelp from one of those within. Snow had long since stopped falling. The railing had a nice dusting and the open hallway still bore their footprints from when they first arrived. It left her and the half cloudy sky above alone.
And the girl beyond even that.
“...”
No day was easier than the last. Some days she could forget for some time. But it always compounded on her later in the day. She hated herself for forgetting. It was likely what she wanted Homura to do now.
The abnormality was her. She shouldn’t remember her existence at all. She’d defied her rule. It would be easier for her to conform to this world. The thought of forgetting about her ate away at her more than anything.
Yet some days she would. Doubt would find its way into her heart and she’d question just how real her memories were. She was a calculating person. Nobody had anything to provide her with as evidence. Nobody else remembered her. Nobody knew where she first got these ribbons. Nobody recognized Kaname Madoka when drawn or described. Her favorite foods or hobbies meant nothing to everyone else.
Some days she cursed it. Some days she wished, begged for these memories to leave her alone. She wanted her face to leave her mind. It tormented her. It ran from her when she reached out for it and laughed at her when she failed. It smiled weakly up at her as she brought her gun against her Soul Gem. She hated Kaname Madoka.
Some days she was blessed by it. In the dark of her room, when nightmares were too much, even just remembering her face would ease her beating heart. She could doze off to the thoughts of going out with her to her favorite cafe, or going to the mall and having her pick out some new clothes for Homura to wear, or taking the train home together, simply sitting in silence with one another. She loved Kaname Madoka.
It was as paradoxical as she was used to. Thinking about it always brought the softest of laughs to her lips. She couldn’t do either. Perhaps not committing fully one way or another was what made her feel so out of place. And what made it so hard to move on.
Homura’s eyes left her palm and went to the sky above. Through a brief break in the clouds were the remnants of stars, distant from the pollution of light.
“Madoka…” Her breath hung in the air in a small cloud. “I…”
“Yo.”
Homura’s body immediately tensed up. Her hand gripped her ribbons tightly and she whirled around to face the voice.
Kyouko’s head poked out the door with a sheepish grin. “Scared’ja huh? My bad.”
“I’ll be in shortly.”
Kyouko blinked at her before letting out a small sigh. The rest of her body dragged itself out the door, leaving it to click behind her. Homura followed her with her eyes as she took a spot against the railing to her side. Though her gaze met the familiar crack in the clouds she’d been looking at before instead of meeting Homura’s curious one.
“That Madoka girl again, yeah?”
Homura’s lip pursed. It didn’t really surprise her. The two had gotten good at picking up when she was on her mind. Though they rarely ever vocalized it. She simply nodded, though she knew Kyouko didn’t see it. She also knew she didn’t need the confirmation again.
“‘s hard spendin’ the holidays without the ones you want to. Feels redundant to say to anyone in this group though,” A dry laugh left the redhead’s lips. “I was hopin’ there’d be four of us here to celebrate tonight. All we got is her memory though.”
Homura winced. Though Kyouko’s words failed to reach her in the way she likely hoped they would. “I see,” was the dry response she could muster.
A moment of silence hung between them. Kyouko’s head came down and she threw up another small grin. “Didn’t use to be the whole sentimental type, still hate it so don’t you go tattlin’ ‘bout this, but…” A hand reached into her pocket and out came her phone. “I think memories are worth a lot now.”
Homura quirked an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“‘Course Sayaka ain’t here. But I can remember the days she was, y’know?” Her phone clicked to life and Kyouko’s gaze fell down to it again. Homura couldn’t see it very well, but a photo gallery was quick to come up, and a familiar blue-haired girl lit up the screen. Homura was in the photo as well, but she couldn’t recall being there for it. Mami was closest to the camera, likely the one holding her phone up, with Kyouko lingering in the back with her tongue stuck out at it.
“We didn’t spend long together, but man it felt like I knew the girl forever, y’know? Even when I picked on her and pissed her off, ‘s like I could just… tell how it was gonna go. Heh, but then I almost screwed up big time. Don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for pushin’ her away and leadin’ her to…”
Homura felt her shoulders stiffen. “Kyouko…”
“But I cherish ‘em! The days we spent together. The bad and the good, I’d rather have the memories and live with ‘em than have never met her. ‘Course I’m not just excludin’ her from my life either. God, I wrote up a whole prayer for her after she was gone, to this Law… thing. Still say it some nights before bed. I nearly wrote a letter to her on my phone before I realized how silly that’d be. Don’t think the dead can get emails,” Kyouko’s face sombered slightly, with the glow of her phone lighting her face up.
“So instead I scream ‘em. Every thought I’m feelin’ that I want to reach her, I yell it loud and proud! That way I know it’ll reach her,” Kyouko clicked her phone off and her face morphed yet again.
“Wanna try it with me?”
“I…” Homura blinked. Her empty hand rubbed at her arm. The thought of screaming alone felt embarrassing to even think about. But screaming how she was feeling ? With somebody else there to hear her? Where strangers could hear her if she was loud? Part of her thought that going back into the time loop would be better than that.
Kyouko must’ve seen the conflicted look on her face as a small laugh rang out into the night. “Alright, alright, y’don’t have to. Buuut if you diiiiid, it’d sound something liiiike…” That familiar smirk stretched across her face. Kyouko’s chest heaved as she took a deep breath. Homura opened her mouth and the plea to not didn’t leave her lips in time.
“SAYAKA! YOU BETTER BE HAVIN’ A MERRY CHRISTMAS UP THERE, YOU IDIOT! I EXPECT A BIG PRESENT NEXT TIME I SEE YA, GOT IT?! AND PUT SOME MEAT ON THOSE BONES!”
Homura was already feeling the second-hand embarrassment burning at her face. Kyouko’s wicked smirk still didn’t leave and she reached a hand over to poke at the stiff girl’s shoulder. “I got most of it off my chest already. I like bickerin’ with her now, when I got nothin’ else to do.”
“I… see…”
“‘Kay, so it doesn’t have to be that loud. But get it out of your system!” Her hand dropped down to Homura’s own and she unfurled the girl’s fingers. “It feels better lettin’ it out on your own instead of it gettin’ dragged out of you. Y’know?”
Homura's eyes lifted up and Kyouko’s met them. She didn’t need clarification, she knew what Kyouko was referring to. Though it made her uncomfortable being seen through like that. By Kyouko of all people.
…Perhaps she hadn’t given her enough credit.
“I’ll step inside if ya want.”
Homura’s hand shook. She looked back out into the night. Let it all out by her own choosing…
“No… It’s fine.”
There was that smirk again. Kyouko threw an arm around Homura and tugged her in. “‘Atta girl! So c’mon! Let Madoka hear your voice! Give her a piece of your mind! Tell her what you’ve been thinkin’!”
It was hard not to feel amped with Kyouko so excited next to her. For better or for worse. Homura could already feel her heart beating faster. Her foot fidgeted. Her stomach churned and she felt like she could be sick any second. She gripped her ribbons once again, almost like a lifeline. And, before she knew it…
“Madoka!”
It wasn’t nearly as impressive as Kyouko’s yell. It was reserved, and it was unlikely people would be hearing it through anybody’s walls. But it was maybe the loudest she’d been since she came to this world.
“I…” She bit her lip. The hand around her side gave a small squeeze. “I miss you, Madoka! Every day, I… I want to see you again! I want to be your friend again! I want to go to your favorite cafe with you again! I want to go shopping for new outfits that you pick out! I want to go to classes with you again, I… want to be with you… I wish you’d taken me with you…”
Her voice faltered. Wetness dotted her eyes. The warm breath of the girl next to her tickled her ears. She took a breather. Adrenaline was coursing through her and even as her lip quivered, she couldn’t stop the dam she’d broken.
“I wanted to spend this day with you! And my birthday! And your birthday, and every one after! I wanted to protect you and let you live a life that was your own…” Her balled up fist banged against the railing. “WHY?! Why couldn’t I protect you?! It was the one thing I was supposed to do, and I… I let you get so far away from me… Why wasn’t I enough…? Why didn’t you take me with you, why did you leave me behind? I can’t… It’s hard to find meaning without you here…”
She sniffled. The real her was showing itself. The girl that was only supposed to leak through in the dead of night in her bedroom, all to herself. The selfish, frail girl that desperately craved attention and emotions that were for her, her alone.
“It’s not fair! It’s not!” Streaks of wetness ran down her cheeks. “I’m not strong enough… I can’t even hold my faith in you all the time! Isn’t that sad? Somedays I think I made you up, and then nobody really would remember you-” Her voice cracked. Her shoulders shook. “But I know you’re real! So why can’t I reach you…?”
A million thoughts and regrets. A thousand what-ifs to save Madoka she’ll never get to try. A hundred things that she wanted to do with her when they were both finally free. Ten things she wanted to confess to her. One person she wanted by her side forever.
They all slipped through her fingers like grains of sand.
“I love you… Madoka… So… please come back…”
Homura’s mouth opened again but words wouldn’t come. Tears cascaded down her face and a croak bubbled out of her slack mouth. Her whole body trembled, and she soon found it being turned to the side and pulled against the warm girl next to her in a tight hug.
A weak sob escaped her. Her face pressed roughly against the shirt in front of her. She felt like she could collapse. But the firm arms wrapped around her made sure she was secure. Something inside her screamed that she didn’t deserve this. This warmth that was enveloping her shouldn’t be spent on her. She’d spent so long pushing people away. It wasn’t her right to take it.
One of her fists came around to Kyouko’s back. Homura pulled herself in ever so slightly. She croaked and sobbed until she found she had nothing left to give, and her body threatened to go slack.
Kyouko’s own shaky breaths tickled at her ears again.
“I think I should’a gone inside after all, heh… That was personal, I shouldn’t have listened in like that…”
Homura sniffled again. “It’s fine. You didn’t know…”
“And you didn’t know all that was gonna come out, yeah?” Homura nodded. She felt pathetic. A moment of weakness showed and suddenly she was like a whimpering puppy all over again. She was meant to be stronger than this…
“I was the same. Hell, didn’t know I gave a crap about Sayaka until I started shoutin’ and… words just kept comin’.”
“I’m sorry for that display…” Homura pulled her head back and started to pull away, but Kyouko kept one arm wrapped around her.
“Bah, don’t go talkin’ like that now! I pushed you into it,” Her hand slid from her side to Homura’s back. It lifted for a moment only to deliver a quick smack to it. “Y’feel better at least?”
Homura paused. She looked down at her hand. “Not really.”
Kyouko gave another small laugh. “Neither did I. You’ll realize a buncha stuff you’d wished you’d said instead and then you’ll start apologizin’ and clarifying and suddenly your throat’s all beat up. But I think it does help. The girls up there were human too. We can’t just expect ‘em to watch us and figure us out. Can barely do that with you and I hunt with ya every night!”
Homura brought a sleeve up to her face to wipe it. Of course, Madoka wasn’t the same as Sayaka. They were in the same place but not for the same reason. Still, Madoka was only the Law of the Cycle. It was very possible she didn’t know what was going on in Homura’s mind. She’d always been a little dense when it came to her. Maybe she had been able to give Madoka some insight, instead of just selfishly venting.
That made her heart feel just a bit lighter.
“Dinner’s done, you two!”
The both of them jumped and turned in tandem to see Mami standing in the doorway. She looked at the two girls with soft expressions before tutting. “You’re gonna catch a cold if you aren’t careful!”
Kyouko let out a small grumble. “Yeah, yeah…” Though her expression was quick to lift upon realizing what was inside. What sounded no less than a garbled mess of syllables was left in Kyouko’s wake as she tore away from Homura’s side and sprinted inside. She nearly knocked Mami off her feet from shoving past her.
“Wh-Hey! Watch it!”
Mami let out a small huff as she, instead of turning back around and going inside, took a few steps out to meet Homura’s confused look. She stared at her turned away face for a moment before a frown overtook hers. “Are you okay? I heard some shouting and I saw you…”
Homura paused. She brought her hand up and looked at her ribbons one more time.
Maybe Kyouko was right. These memories were a blessing. She had such an amazing, strong friend. Even if she was far away now, that didn’t change. Madoka could still be a part of her life. They were for her and her alone. She’d keep her close, even if that meant she’d go through ups and downs because of it. One day, she’d meet her again. And she could give her a piece of her mind in person.
Thank you, Kyouko.
A warm smile spread onto Homura’s face. She turned to look up at Mami. “I am.”
Relief washed over Mami’s face, and her eyes fell down to her open palms. “Oh, your ribbon came undone… Um… Could I tie it up for you after dinner? If that’s not too much?”
Homura took a deep breath. It was hard to find meaning without Madoka here. Of course it was. But it wasn’t impossible. Once upon a time, Mami had been her friend as well. Once upon a time, Kyouko had been closer than just a mere acquaintance. She still had them with her. Two girls that could still understand her if she let them.
Maybe she could free herself from one of those paradoxes she found herself in. It was scary to commit to anything. She had one shot at it. It was even scarier to commit herself to living in this world earnestly. What if she did end up forgetting about Madoka because of that choice? That thought always plagued her when considering her options in this world.
…But maybe she shouldn’t hesitate anymore.
“...Sure.”
Mami gasped. “Really?! Then can I also style your hair? I’ve always thought you would look cute in some pigtails, or maybe some curls like myself!”
Homura gave her a sideways glance. “If you can get Kyouko to carol for us.”
“Hah, you can just say no, y’know.”
Homura paused once more before she started to walk back towards Mami’s apartment. A cool breeze brushed her hair to the side. Her smile grew just a tad.
She had defied the rules of this world before. If some rule said that she was to forget about Madoka, then she would just have to break that one too. It was as simple as that.
“Merry Christmas, Madoka…”
“Hm?”
Homura grabbed the door’s handle and slowly pulled it open. “It’s nothing.”
The warm light within shined onto her face, and she stepped back inside.