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Remus
The halls were mostly quiet as Remus and Lily made their Prefect rounds in late December. They spoke in low voices, gossiping about all sorts of random things.
“So,” Remus said. “What are your New Year's resolutions going to be?”
Lily thought for a moment. “To keep up my grades and try talking to Petunia more, I think. I sent her a new dress for Christmas, from a muggle shoppe; I think she’ll like it.”
“I’m sure she will,” he replied.
“What about you?”
“I, dearest Lily, have only one,” He said, grinning. “This coming year I’m going to get myself a boyfriend.”
“Oh? Going to get over Black, are you?”
“Something like that,” he mused, pretending to look out the window to hide his smile. Remus wasn't sure why he was hiding the real meaning of the statement from Lily, but it felt like the right thing to do. Maybe it was the thought of the look on her face if he could pull it off. You see, he had no intention whatsoever of ‘getting over’ Sirius. In fact, it was quite the opposite; the plan was to finally admit his feelings. Hopefully, things would progress from there.
“Good for you! You’ve been worrying me, so upset over him. Anyone particular in mind?” she asked.
“Perhaps.”
…
Sirius
This was the year. This was the year he was finally going to do it. Sirius Black was going to tell the boy he loved how he felt. He had decided that he had spent long enough keeping his feelings hidden, and if that wasn’t a New Year’s Resolution he didn’t know what was. Today was the thirtieth, and Sirius was beginning to plan. The thing was, Remus was the most wonderful person he’d ever met, and he deserved more than some superficial asking-out during a party. He deserved something special. With all this in mind, Sirius set off to find Evans, positively bouncing with joy.
It had taken a long time for Sirius to convince himself that there was even a remote possibility that Remus would like him back, but these last few months he had started to think there might be. There was something in the way Remus looked at him, in the way he always seemed to find an excuse to be next to him. And besides that, they were made for each other; when they were together there was nothing in the world that couldn’t be done.
“Oi! Evans!” she turned around as he approached her. She was sitting in the library with a group of friends. “I need some advice, if you would be so kind.”
“ You are coming to me for advice? About what?” Lily asked sceptically.
Sirius eyed her group nervously. “Could I maybe ask you privately? It’s sort of personal.”
Intrigued, she nodded and stood up. “Be right back,” she told her friends, walking with Sirius through the shelves.
“So,” he started, not quite sure how much to tell her. He settled for a need-to-know basis. “I’m going to ask someone out for New Years. The trouble is... This person is very special. They’re everything to me, and more. So, they deserve something special, and I thought you might give me some pointers.”
Lily looked surprised. “Sirius Black is coming to me for romantic pointers? I never thought I’d see the day,” she joked. “Well, I suppose I could try. Any chance I get to know who they are?”
Sirius shook his head.
“Oh well… are they more outgoing, or reserved?”
“Reserved,” Sirius answered promptly, relieved that she wasn’t going to try to force him on a name.
“Okay, then something private. The great lake maybe... Can you let me think about it for a while? And I’ll get back to you in the morning?”
“As long as it’s good, Evans.”
That night it was hard for Sirius to fall asleep, he was so elated. Just one more day and Remus would be his.
…
Lily and Sirius sat in the common room the next morning to discuss plans. Remus was in the library studying ahead, and James had dragged Peter off to go look at something near the kitchens.
“Okay, here's what I'm thinking. You know that area down by the Great Lake, it’s almost like a tiny cave? Set that place up- the works. Blankets on the ground with a picnic- all their favourite foods. Candles, flowers if you can get ahold of any, chocolates, and bring down your record player. Once that’s all taken care of, there's a spell I found in the library that you can use almost like a clock-
ostende tempus
. That way you’ll have a countdown. After it’s all set up, give them a note to meet you down there at, say, 11:45, 11:50? I dunno how much time you want before the clock runs out. Anyway, take them down there and… well the rest is up to you.” She grinned, proud of herself.
“Lily Evans, you are the absolute best! James will be lucky if he ever gets ahold of you!” Sirius hugged her unexpectedly and darted from the room, off to set it up.
It took all day, but he did just that. Everything was in its place by nine, and he had successfully avoided making the other marauders suspicious by claiming detention (which wasn’t that hard, to be honest). He placed protection spells around it so that nothing could disturb it until it was time, and then ran to get Lily. Barging in on her with her friends yet again, he exclaimed, “Evans! You want to see the result of your masterminding or what?”
She rolled her eyes and excused herself, following Sirius down to the Lake.
“Oh! It’s perfect!” She burst out upon seeing the space, her face lit up with a blinding smile. She paused, and then: “Don’t you dare let it get out I said this, Black, but they’re a lucky person.”
Now, had Sirius stuck with his original plan, things would have been just fine. If he had not been so overcome with joy and excitement and teenage dumbness, he would have kept his mouth shut, thanked her, and moved on. Everything would have gone according to plan, and life would’ve been a hell of a lot easier. If there was a sudden tsunami from the Lake that stopped him from talking even, it would’ve been better. But that would have been the reasonable thing to do, and when had Sirius Black ever been reasonable? Thus, feeling as if he owed Lily for her help (and also kind of wanting her to know, as they were such close friends), he told her delightedly: “It’s Remus.”
Her face dropped. “What did you say?”
Sirius was confused. “My- my person. He’s Remus. I love him with all my heart, and always have. Why? Lily, what's wrong?”
In the short time it took him to declare this, Lily had put her hand over her heart and sat down on a large rock by the shallow cave’s entrance. “Oh, Sirius,” for the first time in their history she called him by his first name, and it was then Sirius knew that things were very, very bad for him. “Lily,” he repeated quietly. “Please, Lily. Just tell me.” She looked up at him with sad eyes.
“I really mustn’t be telling you this, he’d kill me if he knew, but it’s really better if... Sirius, Remus has been pining after you for years now. Fancied himself in love, even.”
For a moment, Sirius’s heart soared, but as he remembered the context of the conversation it crashed down again; it crashed hard and painfully. There could be no happy ending to this story.
Lily sighed. “However, a few nights ago we were talking about New Year’s resolutions, and I asked him what his was, and he said it was to get himself a boyfriend, to get over you... And that he had someone in mind.”
And just like that, Sirius’ whole world collapsed. He felt sick to his stomach and had a pain in his chest, sharp and clear. He felt tears running down his face, hot and wet. Everything around him was suddenly gone, and it was just him and Grief in that dark room of despair.
A long time ago, he and Remus had held a conversation about sad words. Remus said he thought the most depressing word in the English language was ‘almost’. Sirius had laughed and disagreed at the time, but now he agreed wholeheartedly. He almost had him. If he had just taken the leap a year ago, hell, a week or two ago, he could have had his chance. No, that's not true. He did have his chance. Sirius had had his chance every late night they stayed up together. Every time Remus read to him in the empty common room during lunches they both skipped. Every moment he looked into the other boy’s eyes and knew that those eyes were his home. Every time Remus would do some small, random thing and the words on his lips were ‘I love you’. If only he had said it. If he had only had the guts to be vulnerable, he could have had the only thing he really wanted- the only thing he truly needed. But he fucked it up, just like he always did, and now that chance was blown forever. Now Remus was going to go and give all his love to someone who would deserve it and take it when it came his way.
After a while, Sirius became aware that Lily had joined him on the floor where he had sat and was hugging him fiercely. He took a shaky breath and patted her on the back. “Thank you, Lily.. thank you for warning me and- and such.”
“Oh, Sirius, I wish you would have told me sooner. Do you, um, want help cleaning this up?”
Sirius looked at the time, which was now almost nine-thirty, and shook his head. “No, no I’ll deal with it tomorrow… I need alcohol.”
…
Remus
Remus hadn’t put very much thought into how he was going to ask Sirius out, but he wasn’t too worried about it. He figured the words didn’t matter as much as the meaning, and that the right ones would probably find their way out anyway. Even if he had tried to write something out though, it probably wouldn’t have worked- he was too jittery. Finally, after all these years, it would be out in the open. Even a few months ago he wouldn’t have dared, but lately, he was noticing things that had passed under his radar before. Things like that look Sirius gave him when he thought of a good joke, or the way he would brush his curls out of his face when he got particularly tired or drunk, saying they were hiding his eyes, or the unnecessary touches and excuses to be paired up whenever there was pairing needed. And all that aside, they were made for each other. Sirius had his past, Remus had his, and they knew how to help each other. Their strengths and weaknesses were perfectly complimentary; there was nothing the two of them couldn’t accomplish. And now he was ready to reach out and take his chance to be with the one person he would ever want.
The time was eleven thirty, and the party was full blast in the common room. Remus made his way down the stairs, trying to decide whether to find Sirius now or wait a little longer, when he stopped in his tracks. Speak of the devil, Remus spotted Sirius in the very centre of the party, completely wasted. He could tell he was drunk because it was only when Sirius had had a substantial amount of alcohol that he allowed Mary-Jane Kimmens to climb on top of him and make out. Slightly bewildered and very hurt, Remus ran back up to the dorms. Slamming the door behind him and locking it, he fell on his bed and curled up into a ball. Sure, Sirius wasn’t his, he didn’t owe him anything, but that didn’t stop the tears from coming. Certainly, he hadn’t been imagining things? There was no way all those moments were fabricated by his own mind… or were they? It made sense, after all. Much more sense than Sirius actually feeling anything for him. And that was probably for the best: Sirius deserved so much more than him. He deserved someone whole, someone who couldn’t hurt him, someone who was handsome and could give him everything he could need and more. Remus could do none of those things. All he had to offer was himself and a promise of love.
Somehow that didn’t make him feel any better, and eventually, he unlocked the door, cast a silencing charm on his bed, and cried himself to sleep.
…
Remus woke up late and decided to excuse himself from his classes. After a few hours, he got hungry and headed down to the kitchens, where the house elves cooked him up a nice brunch. He ate in silence besides saying thank you, and then made his way back up to the dormitory. When he went to lay back down, however, he found himself locked in an embrace.
“Remus! Where’ve you been, mate? You weren’t in any classes this morning,” Sirius took a step back, still holding him lightly by the shoulders. Remus flinched away from the touch, moving to sit down before answering. “I woke up late, and I didn’t feel too well.”
“Why didn’t you go to the hospital wing?”
“Who says I didn’t?”
“Madam Pomfrey. I checked there first, she said you hadn’t been in today.”
Cornered, Remus got defensive. “Look, does it really matter? I’m fine aren’t I?” Sirius sat down across from him, on his own bed.
“Remus, look at me.”
He did, although it caused a dull pain in his chest. Sirius studied his face for a moment, and then asked, “Did he turn you down? If he did, he didn’t deserve you in the first place; no one in their right mind would pass that up. If he was shitty about it, you should tell me though, I’ll go and show him he messed up. Who was he?”
Remus was utterly baffled. “Who was who?”
“Lily… kind of told me you had a bloke in mind. To ask out, I mean. Don’t tell her I told you though, please, she was just trying to do the best thing… And don’t try to deny it, Rem. I know your face, I can read it like my own.”
“Lily told you? Why on earth would she do that?” he asked, ignoring the tugging in his chest from his last statement.
“Can we please skip that part?”
“No.”
Sirius took a deep breath.
“Well then, listen and don’t interrupt. If I start I have to finish. The day before yesterday, I asked Lily for some help. You see, for New Years, I decided I would finally tell this bloke that I was in love with him, but I wasn’t sure how to do it. So Lily helped me set it up, and then I brought her to see, and told her… I told her it was you.
She wanted to save me some hurt, I suppose, so she might have told me that you had... Felt similarly, in the past, but that now you had your eye on someone new, and that you intended to ask him out. And listen, I know that it’s too little too late, but I do love you. With everything I am, every fibre of my being I am absolutely and totally in love with you, Remus John Lupin. And that's how I know that there are great things waiting for you out there, because if can love you this much and not even be the right one for you, then can you imagine what the right one will be like? That's all I ever want for you Rem, and I know in my heart you're going to get it, even if it's not whatever stupid dipshit was dumb enough to turn you down.”
After a moment of astonished silence, Remus replied, “You were kissing Kimmins last night.”
“What?” Sirius asked, confused at the turn the conversation was taking. Yes, he vaguely remembered having the girl on top of him, but why was Remus bringing it up? To try to say that he was lying?
“I came to find you last night, and you were with Mary-Jane Kimmins. I assumed that meant I was wrong, and you didn’t want me after all.”
This baffled him further. “But what about the other-”
“There was no other guy, Sirius. I don't know why I lied to Lily, but you were the one I was going to go after. The thought of there being another guy is absolutely ridiculous because loving you is all I know and all I ever want to know. I couldn’t change it if I tried.”
Oh. that sunk in, and then Sirius was off of his bed and onto Remus’s, pulling him down and kissing him. And just like that Remus couldn’t give a damn about not being good enough, because obviously Sirius didn't care, and there wasn’t much room for thought in his head anyway.