Sunrise

Captains’ log stardate 52989.1, ,

it seems not everybody in the Delta Quadrant is hostile. After some draining weeks fighting off old and new enemies might finally find some respite on a planet called Jolanthi. Its inhabitants, the Jolaan and Anthii, two sapient species living in peaceful harmony, were not only open to trade offerings but have also invited us to partake in a planetwide festivity which is happening at the time of our arrival. As it has been ages since our last shore leave we are considering to accept the invitation. It is good to gain some friends on the journey.

“Mr. Neelix, any last words of advice on how we respond to the invitation of the Jolaan and Anthii?” Kathryn Janeway leaned forward on the conference table, eager to listen to what the only crewmember native to the Delta Quadrant had to say. Neelix was not present in all their meetings, mostly because of matters of security clearance, but this one seemed to call for his expertise. He loved being the center of attention, especially when it concerned things nobody but him knew. He puffed himself up before he rose from his chair.

“Jolanthi has gained some fame in the Delta Quadrant,” he said, proud to be able to contribute. “Its inhabitants are friendly and hospitable and there is very little chance for diplomatic incidents as they are quite tolerant of strangers. I know of some Talaxians who made the journey and returned as better persons.”

“How come Jolanthi has never been attacked by the Borg or the Hirogen or other more dangerous species?” Chakotay wanted to know. “Usually friendly and tolerant societies are vulnerable to outside attacks. Especially if they take such a liberal stance to strangers.”

Neelix scratched his puffy head. “A good question, Commander. All I know are the legends and stories my people have of this place. And they are exclusively positive.”

“If there is the slightest risk of putting my ship and crew in danger…” Janeway started but the Talaxian interrupted her.

“Don’t worry, Captain. There isn’t. I can’t tell you how they do it, but Jolanthi is a safe haven for vary travelers such as us.”

“Who knows, maybe we get to learn their secret when we spend some time down there?” Tom proposed.

“Good point,” Harry added. “And besides we are explorers.”

“No risk no fun?” Tom quipped.

“Something like that, yes.”

“Gentlemen,” Janeway called them to order and everybody paid attention. Then she turned to her second officer.

“Mr. Tuvok, is there anything I should now from the ship’s head of security?”

“Nothing of importance, Captain. The area where we are supposed to beam down is in a safe spot and our scans didn’t reveal any dangers.”

“It’s almost too good to be true,” she mused and wistfully shook her head.

“Don’t be so pessimistic,” Chakotay chimed in. “We really earned some respite and if Mr. Neelix says it’s true…”

“It’s not so much that we earned it, it’s that the Delta Quadrant has a knack for stabbing us in the back when we least expect it,” she sighed.

“Not this time,” Neelix repeated. He seemed to be quite sure. And in the end it was his confidence that swayed her against all caution. She nodded.

“Alright,” she said. “It seems as if we are headed for some overdue shore leave. Tuvok, I expect the crew rotations at 1200 hours. Dismissed.”

When the conference room emptied itself she stayed behind, staring at the table. It was the captain’s prerogative to leave last so nobody paid much attention. Except Chakotay. He stopped in the door and turned around.

“What’s the matter, Kathryn?”

She smiled sadly. “Do you really think we have found friends this time?”

He returned to the table and sat on it, facing her. “What happened to your optimism?”

A snort escaped her. “I don’t know. Maybe the Kazon, the Vidiians, the Borg and the Hirogen?”

“What about the Talaxians and the Ocampa? And all the other friends who helped us along the way that we had to leave behind? Not everyone wants to kill us.”

“But recently, more than enough.” She sighed. “Besides, you had trouble naming more than two friendly species.”

“Point taken.” He chuckled lightly. “But aren’t the odds in my favor? After all these fights, this species must be friendly.”

Now she smiled fully. “Or, since the probability for encountering enemies is higher, I am right again.”

“I trust Neelix and Tuvok,” Chakotay finally said earnestly. “And everything checks out.”

“You’re right.” Slowly she got up and moved around the table. “I suppose my mistrust is a sure sign that we need some downtime.”

“No argument here.” He offered her his arm and she took it.

“I guess it’s time to dig out our winter gear,” she remarked as they left the conference room.

“It’s about time. I can’t recall the last time we ever needed those uniforms.”

“Maybe because the Delta Quadrant is a hotbed?” Tom Paris called over from his station, having just overheard the conversation.

“Mr. Paris, don’t make it worse,” Janeway admonished him with an amused undertone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The winter uniforms felt strange and unfamiliar with their insulation and the artificial fur on their sleeves and collar. Also, Kathryn Janeway couldn’t recall the last time she had to wear gloves on an away mission. Yet, the moment the blue ray of Voyager’s transporter dissipated around her, she was glad for her gear. The cold was biting. She, Chakotay, Neelix and Tuvok had decided to beam down to establish face to face contact with the planet’s inhabitants and not only hammer out the details of their planned shore leave but also finding out more about the planet’s customs and rules. She was especially interested what exactly was meant by this festivity that was so heavily advertised. The only information Neelix had been able to provide in that regard was that it was beautiful and a sight to behold. But details had been lost in translation.

The area was a snowy clearing, surrounded by dark green trees which were completely covered in snow and decorated with all kinds of colorful lights. The ground was covered in light snow, but she realized that they were standing on a stony platform which had several decorative patterns inlaid that loosely resembled snowflakes. Voyager’s away team was already expected by a delegation of the planet’s inhabitants.

The two species really didn’t resemble each other, although both had loosely humanoid shapes. One group of representatives was large and hairy, the fur covering the whole body. The aliens were all covered in little braids and they wore golden robes. The other species was very small and had a rather round body shape. They resembled hedgehogs although they didn’t display any spikes through their clothing. Instead they were fully covered in colorful garbs, and wore pointed hats.

“We bid you welcome on our planet, dear travelers”, the ‘hedgehog’ said. “My name is Thel’en Garani. I am responsible for the foreign relations for the Jolaan.” He also introduced the rest of his species’ delegation before the representative of the Anthii stepped forward. Despite his rich clothing Janeway couldn’t help herself but be reminded of the legendary creature of the Yeti that was said to have roamed the Himalaya mountains on Earth a long time ago. And suddenly a strange thought occurred to her. They had met the Voth in the Delta Quadrant, claiming to be descendants of the dinosaurs on Earth, they even had met Amelia Earhart, alive and well, who had become a myth on Earth a long time ago. It seemed like the Delta Quadrant was a place where old Earth legends found a new life and home.

The large Anthii had introduced themselves as ‘Towering Hill’ if her translator had gotten it right. And now they seemed puzzled because of Janeway’s scrutinizing gaze. “Is something the matter?” Towering Hill asked.

Startled, Janeway blinked. “I’m sorry, I was lost in thought.” Unsure whether she should voice her thoughts she smiled apologetically.

The Anthii didn’t follow up on that. Instead they lifted their large arm and pointed it around the area.

“We want to invite you to our annual ‘Yueli,” Garani said.

“I’m sorry, my translator must have glitched,” Chakotay chimed in. “Your what?”

“Roughly translated it means ‘Festival of Light’”, Commander,” Neelix whispered and grinned nervously.

“Your Talaxian is right,” Towering Hill said. “Each year when the weather gets colder we come together to celebrate a year past. We mourn our losses and embrace our changes and we try to think of loved ones near and far. The lights you see here and everywhere shall enlighten the darkness and represent all our wishes for future and past. And we gladly invite to join us in this year’s festivities. Find peace and respite for a few days before your travels take you further.”

“I see you have heard of us,” Janeway answered, avoiding answering the invitation for another moment. She wished so much for the promises to come true. Everything looked so peaceful and quiet and they really needed the break. Nothing the ambassadors had said gave her any warning signs and her team seemed as relaxed as she was. But maybe that was the trap? Before she committed she wanted to confer one last time with the members of her away team.

“Word travels faster than light,” Towering Hill said and smiled toothily. Surprisingly it didn’t seem threatening in the slightest. “We know of your worries and your hardships and the least we can do is offer hospitalities and resources.”

“And what would you want in exchange?” Chakotay asked.

Garani sniggered. “Isn’t it obvious?”

When the away team looked confused, he elaborated. “We want to hear your stories and we want to help strangers in need. This also what Yueli is about.” This was the moment, Janeway felt secure in her decision to accept.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“’Yueli’ sounds awfully close to ‘Yule’, don’t you think?” The water in the hot pot was heavenly, as was the quiet of the forest surrounding it. Kathryn Janeway closed her eyes and simply enjoyed the warmth of the bubbly water as well as the smell of the oils added to it. When she had realized that their lodging had amenities such as a hot tub she couldn’t resist, even when it meant crossing the few meters from the door of her room to the tub in the snow on bare feet. It invigorated the blood circulation. For a blissful while she was alone before Tom and B’Elanna had decided to join. They didn’t seem to see her in the darkness and Janeway felt okay with that. She could remain in solitude and she loved listening in on the couple’s talk. Tom was just now trying to make sense of this strange planet’s customs and its friendly inhabitants’.

“Must be coincidence,” B’Elanna said and sighed, enjoying the warm water herself.

“Do you really think so? These are awfully similar concepts. Maybe this is a galaxy-wide phenomenon?”

“Then why don’t the Klingons celebrate it or have a word for it?” B’Elanna teased. “Or any other major power in the Alpha Quadrant?”

That seemed to deflate Tom for a moment. “Maybe because they lack the manners for that?” he then shot back.

“Unlikely. Our manners are impeccable and you know it.”

“Maybe Earth was visited by the inhabitants of that planet a long time ago?” Janeway offered, finally making herself known. It had the intended effect.

“Captain, didn’t see you there!” Tom exclaimed startled and B’Elanna laughed out loud, before she greeted her captain as well.

“At ease, Mr. Paris, Lieutenant!” The couple took their captain’s presence in stride and the atmosphere relaxed immediately. Instead they focused on the topic of the conversation again.

“Interesting theory,” B’Elanna conceded. “We have discovered more than one connection between Earth and the Delta Quadrant. I can live with that.”

“Another riddle for us to solve! How exciting!” Tom clapped his hand eagerly and water splashed.

Janeway laughed out loud. “Or, for once, we simply accept the hospitality.”

“That doesn’t sound like you at all, Captain!” B’Elanna said. “Aren’t you normally the first diving heads deep into unsolved riddles?”

“Maybe,” Janeway admitted secretively. “And maybe we will get our chance when we talk some more with our hosts. But somehow I have a feeling that the magic of this place relies on its mysteries. And them being left alone.”

With that she stood up. The water splashed down on her body and for a moment there was some residual warmth as she stood in the steam. But then the water cooled down immediately, causing her to wrap her arms around herself, shivering. While it was probably healthy it was the one downside to have steaming hot tub of water in the middle of the forest. Determined not to show Tom and B’Elanna the extent of her discomfort, she said her goodbyes, wrapped herself into her towel and hurried back to her room. There she got out of her bathing suit, dried herself up and switched into something more comfortable. Still not satisfied for the evening, she decided to wander around, taking in the sights and decorations of this winter wonderland.

When she left their accommodation she smiled when she saw a large Starfleet logo over the door. Their hosts must have seen their communicators and had decided to imitate them to give them a sense of familiarity. The feeling of unease she had at the beginning towards them had completely dissipated. She didn’t know how they did it, but Jolanthi really felt like a safe haven in the midst of the storm. With these thoughts she walked along the path that was illuminated with warmly glowing lanterns. It had stopped snowing but everything was covered in clean white and she felt the snow crunching under her boots. Memories came back to her from her childhood, when she had spent hours playing in the snow. Building snowmen and -women and -aliens. Throwing snowballs at her sister and the neighbors’ kids. Making snow angels. Sliding on the frozen pond. These days were long gone, replaced by a need to be grown up and responsible. She couldn’t remember when she had stopped indulging her more childlike side. And now she was the captain of a lost ship. She had to restrain herself.

“You seem troubled,” a voice in the darkness said. Janeway jumped around and muffled a scream. She had been so lost in thought that she hadn’t expected anyone in the white darkness. When she stopped, she recognized a strange Jolaan that she hadn’t seen before. The creature seemed to be dressed in some ceremonial garb, but without further knowledge of their customs, she couldn’t quite place it.

“I didn’t see you,” she said as noncommittally as possible. She didn’t want to admit that the alien had jump-scared her for a second.

“I’m sorry, it was not my intention to frighten you,” the Jolaan said. “You are the leader of the strangers, are you not?”

“That’s correct. I am captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager,” she introduced herself, mentally making a note to count one day how often she had uttered this sentence or variations thereof. Uncertain, she extended a hand in greeting and to her surprise the Jolaan took it and shook it.

“I am Aronass Tarv’yn Sylvani,” the alien said and then smiled. “I am also a sort of leader to my people,” they continued. “But my business is their mental wellbeing.”

“So you are a spiritual leader?” The way the word ‘aronass’ was pronounced, Janeway guessed that it was a title and not a name and she wanted to clarify. “A sort of priest?”

“Priestess would be a fitting word in your language, yes,” Sylvani explained. “But the details are not important. What is more important is that I am responsible for everyone in my district. Since you are our guests for this year’s Yueli, you are in my care as well.”

“Thank you very much, but don’t inconvenience yourself,” Janeway deflected. She felt suddenly uncomfortable and under unwanted scrutiny.

The priestess slightly shook her head, a universal gesture of disagreement, it seemed.

“It’s not an inconvenience, it’s my duty,” she reiterated. “Something that should be familiar to you.”

The comment hit a little bit too close to home and Janeway averted her gaze.

“So, please let me do it. And maybe you will realize that it will help you to be a better captain for your people when you are leaving. Everyone will profit from this.”

Still, there was another matter. “Why me? Is my crew not as entitled to your services?”

“Don’t worry, my acolytes are taking care of your them as we speak. We extend our services to all our guests. But as their leader you are my responsibility.” Although what Sylvani said was not a request, she said it with such firm politeness that it was hard to be angry with her.

“What do you have in mind?” Janeway asked her. “What do you want me to do?”

The Jolaan smiled again, mildly. “I see a lot of guilt that you are carrying with you. Each year adds another burden until it will crush you. You are more troubled than you are letting on. I want you to let go of these unresolved feelings. Walk with me.”

She started down the path Janeway had intended to wander and the captain had no choice but to follow the strange woman. In the light of the lamps the cold snow looked warm and cozy and the colorful lights broke the darkness. Her surroundings made her feel at ease although the conversation didn’t. She then realized that this was exactly Sylvani’s intention.

“And how do you propose I should do this?” she asked, catching up to the Jolaan. “Letting go?”

“Tell me about your journey.”

“We want to go home. But it will take an eternity if we don’t find a shortcut.”

“No, I want to know about your journey.”

Janeway looked puzzled. “But that is our journey?”

Sylvani softly shook her head.

“I don’t want to know about your ship’s journey. I want to know about your journey.”

“But that is…” Janeway reiterated before stopping herself. She felt the discussion running in circles and the aronass’ amusement didn’t make it better. She didn’t want to anger her host by appearing obstinate.

For a moment there was a silence between the two women and Janeway didn’t know whether it was awkward or companionable. Instead she focused on the illuminated forest around her. The cold had begun to bite her exposed face and her nose had started running and she wiped it with her sleeve. The Jolaan didn’t seem to have those problems and Janeway remembered that the planet was overall colder than Earth, so its inhabitants were used to these temperatures. In addition it didn’t have a tilted axis meaning that its seasons were more evenly distributed among the two hemispheres, a fact that had puzzled Harry very much.

“You care a lot about your crew,” Sylvani interrupted Janeway’s train of thought. “And you cannot stop thinking about them even now.”

Caught Janeway stopped dead in her tracks. “How do you know? Are you telepathic?” The briefing hadn’t mentioned any telepathic abilities of the planet’s inhabitants so she felt blindsided.

“I am simply observant that is all. Call it a prerequisite for my work. And if I had to guess the guilt you are carrying is connected to your crew.”

The forest cleared and gave way to a ledge. Sylvani guided Janeway to come closer. The valley below them opened up, also illuminated in the most colorful lights. Light snow had begun to fall and landed on Janeway’s nose and clothes. The snow swallowed all other sounds and it was distinctly quiet apart from the crunching under her boots. The scenery was breathtaking and homey and for a small moment Janeway felt at home and not as if she were several thousand light years away from it. But then she looked at the stars and none of them were familiar. She sighed.

“I assume you’re right,” she finally admitted. Her surroundings had a calming effect on her and Sylvani seemed to know what she was doing to elicit trust. What Janeway had to say was no real secret, she just hadn’t voiced it properly to anyone before. “I stranded all of us here, five years ago. So it is my responsibility to bring everyone back home safely. Mine alone.”

“How did you come here in the first place?”

“We were abducted by a powerful entity which was looking for a mate, because it was dying. In the end I had to make a choice between returning home and dooming a whole species.”

“And you chose to sacrifice your way home for the safety of other beings?”

“Yes, although we had just met them I couldn’t leave them to a gruesome fate. I couldn’t.”

“Then why do you feel so guilty about it?”

“Because I stranded not only my crew, but also a crew of another ship at the time. I had to make a unilateral decision which affected more than a hundred lives, individuals with hopes and dreams that I had to crush.”

“What happened to the crew of that other ship?”

“They joined us.”

“I see.” Sylvani paused for a moment, then she smiled. The wind was softly rustling through the trees, catching Janeway’s hair and carrying the snowflakes, making them whirl and dance.

“It is the fate of a leader to decide for others and it seems both crews have accepted you and your leadership. They appear to support you on the journey home. I am sure you will do right by them.”

Janeway wiped again over her face, removing the snowflakes. She looked down the ledge and watched them fall down below, realizing that they stood very high above the valley. She took a step back, suddenly reminded of the ever looming presence of death. Specters appeared before her inner eye of all the crew members she had lost over the year. And suddenly the aronass’ words stung.

“Have you ever lost someone under your command?!” Janeway almost snapped. “The feeling is the worst imaginable. And it gets even worse when you know that you are the person responsible for getting them into this predicament in the first place. I as their captain must take accountability. Even if we ever return home safely, the price they paid for my decision is already too high.”

“So you regret what did years ago?” Sylvani asked.

“I don’t. But I have to live with the consequences of my actions.”

A falling star fell down over the valley, its light mingling with all the other lights. And Sylvani followed it with her gaze.

“What you did is in the past. You can’t change that. And you had good reasons for what you did. The support your crew gives you every day shows that. You are not as alone as you think you are.”

Janeway sighed again. “I know, but sometimes it’s hard to accept that.”

“You did what was best in an impossible situation. Trust yourself.” The Jolaan gently touched Janeway’s arm. “And while you are here, try not to think of the dangers. You are safe with us.”

Finally the opportunity presented itself for Janeway to turn the conversation around. While she sensed that everything Sylvani told her was true, it still rang hollow. She knew the platitudes by heart, she just didn’t believe in them. As much as she had appreciated the insight, Sylvani had given her by voicing thoughts she hadn’t shared before, she also had questions herself.

“Yes, I wanted to ask about that. How do you manage that? Creating such a place in the middle of hostility and keeping it.”

Again, the Jolaan smiled mysteriously. “Let us have our secrets. Just know that there always needs to be some goodness in the middle of all the horrors the universe throws at us. Without goodness there is only despair. And we want to be that light in the darkness.”

“As far as I can tell, you are doing a pretty good job. Thanks for the talk.” Janeway cast another glance at the valley below her before she turned around. But the priestess wasn’t done.

“Any time, Captain. Oh and by the way.”

“What is it?”

“There is another unresolved issue you should address. Talk to your first officer. You both need it.”

With that the Jolaan vanished between the trees, leaving a puzzled Kathryn Janeway behind.

When she returned the path to her lodging the lights seemed to have dimmed a bit, but everything still illuminated enough that she could not go astray. While the snow glowed around her she was again on a planet much warmer than this one.  A planet called Korlak, ripe with endless oceans and lush jungles. With breathtaking landscapes and a poisoned Chakotay. Since this mission something had changed between them, something so intangible that she often wondered whether she imagined it. Outwardly he was still her steadfast and loyal first officer, but there was now an almost imperceptible awkwardness in his interactions with her. So imperceptible were they that she had chosen to ignore them, as much as she had chosen never to talk about this mission. She remembered his delirious declaration of love and her frantic fight for his life. She remembered a hastily shared kiss in a cave and his hands on her naked body while he was hallucinating. She had made him believe that they had made love because she hadn’t wanted to upset him at that time. It hadn’t been her best moment, far from it, but his survival had been her primary goal, consequences be damned. She had been so sure that he wouldn’t remember any of it and so she had vowed to keep silent. She wanted to spare him the embarrassment for actions that happened while he was mentally incapacitated. But the shadow of that mission had lingered on. And the poison from a dart in Chakotay’s leg continued to slowly poison their relationship.

When she arrived in front of their lodging she saw Chakotay sit on a bench in front of the house. The bench was dry and cleared from snow and well lit. Chakotay stared silently in front of him. When he heard her crunching footsteps he turned his head.

“Kathryn,” he greeted her.

“Chakotay,” she replied and approached him carefully. When she had reached the bench she indicated at the empty space beside him with a small gesture.

“Mind if I join you?”

He stiffened almost imperceptibly, but nodded then curtly. “Sure.”

Elegantly she sat beside him. “What have you been up to?” she asked him after a moment of silence.

“I explored the surroundings. Apart from that I enjoyed the amenities and made sure that everyone was well taken care of. There is a hiking trail not far from here which leads up to the mountain. I was told that the sunrise is spectacular there.”

“Is it true?”

“I don’t know.” He smiled wistfully. “I just saw the signposts. I wanted to go there tomorrow.”

Gently, Janeway put her gloved hand on his lower arm. “I would really like to come with you. If you’d have me.”

Surprise lit up in his eyes and Janeway realized that after that doomed mission the time they spent together had steadily decreased. She didn’t know what sort of powers aronass Sylvani possessed, but she had seen things that Janeway herself had lost focus on. Chakotay ended her reverie by putting his large gloved hand on hers. “Are you sure?”

She nodded emphatically. “Yes. I think a hike in nature will do us some good.”

His face lit up and she knew that she had made the ride decision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They left before dusk, their goal being to experience sunrise had the top of the mountain. Jolanthi’s atmosphere dispersed the light in a way that let the sun appear in a bluish tint, which created a magical atmosphere in conjunction with the snow. The dawn had already been spectacular and Janeway was looking forward to experience this natural spectacle. And the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she also looked forward to experience it together with Chakotay.

It was dark when they left, but not so dark that it was impossible to see. Their winter uniforms provided them with the necessary warmth and they had packed some light rations, flashlights along with their tricorders for directions. Janeway also took her holo-cam with her. The opportunity to take pictures presented itself so rarely that she couldn’t let it go to waste. They had agreed to meet in front of their lodging and Chakotay was already waiting for her when she came out of the house. They nodded greetings but didn’t dare to speak because they didn’t want to wake anybody. Then they set out. The path was easy to find, because not only were there signposts and lights, but it was also carved into the snow. They set a light pace and walked silently next to each other. Janeway watched the light fog from their breath dissipate into the air and put her hood closer over her head. It had been a long time since she had walked last in a winterscape. With each step she enjoyed it more. The clarity of the cold, the quietness, the trees and the solitude under a sky full of blinking stars. And, she admitted to herself, the closeness of Chakotay, his warmth and masculinity. There was no wind and the air was crisp and fresh. For a moment, Janeway could pretend that she and Chakotay were the only beings in existence and she felt strangely free. She knew it couldn’t last, but for now she enjoyed the moment.

The path lead them deeper into the forest and inclined steadily. Sometimes it took turns and wound itself around the trees but still it was impossible to get lost in this huge and silent landscape.

The higher they climbed the more the sky brightened and Janeway was sure that they would reach the mountaintop well before the sunrise. And then they would sit down and wait. She had found her rhythm with Chakotay by her side and quietly they ascended.

Finally she worked up the courage to open up the conversation.

“Chakotay, I think we need to talk.”

He stopped abruptly, sinking into the snow. She saw his shoulders sacking and worry showing on his face.  “Yes, I suppose we do,” he replied quietly. “I was wondering when you…” He didn’t finish.

She closed the distance between them and took his hand.

“Chakotay, I…” Why is this so hard?

Awkwardly they stood on the path, the companionable silence replaced by unease. Why did she have to ruin this? What was she thinking?

“Is this about Korlak?” Now that she had started it, Chakotay had caught on.

“Yes,” she answered immediately. And before she could overthink this she continued talking. “Things have changed between us after that forsaken mission. And I think we should talk about it.” Very clever, Kathryn, very clever. You’re repeating yourself.

He averted his gaze and started walking again, gently removing his hand from hers. Her heart reached out to him. He thinks he did something wrong.

“Chakotay, what do you remember from this mission?” she called after him and he stopped again.

“I remember that I hurt you and embarrassed you and that’s why you retreated,” he mumbled. “I wanted to respect the distance you put between us. I’m sorry.”

Janeway gaped. “Is that really…? Chakotay, is that your takeaway from that mission?!” She caught up to him.

“What else was there to interpret?”

Gently she shook her head. “Tell me what you remember.”

He inhaled and exhaled, the steam coming out from his nostrils and dissipating in the air. “Kathryn, you were there. What does it matter what I remember? I hurt you.”

More quietly, she added: “Please.”

He sighed, but then he answered the question. “We made love,” he whispered. “I came onto you and you didn’t resist because I was injured. And when you distanced yourself afterwards, I gave you all the space you needed. I couldn’t face you after what I did. I’m so sorry, Kathryn.” He paused and Janeway knew that he wasn’t finished. So she gave him all the time he required. Having finally said what he thought had happened between them built up his confidence, because after a moment he went on: “But you know what, I think it’s good that we finally talk about this.”

“We didn’t make love,” Janeway said flatly.

“We didn’t?!” He stared at her, confused.

“No.” She let her arms fall to her side and drew weird patterns in the snow with her boot.

“But then, why…” He started but she cut him off with a gesture of her hand.

“You were delirious. Why do you believe anything you remember from that time?”

“Because you were so different afterwards,” he answered immediately. “I racked my brain for every bit of memory I could gather from that mission and this was the only thing that stood clearly out.”

“I guess I made you believe that,” Janeway admitted, blushing and suddenly feeling very silly.

“What?!” Chakotay didn’t get loud, his disbelief quiet and sincere and Janeway felt her world shatter. The truth had to come out eventually, but she had never wanted to upset him. She had wanted to protect him.

“Kathryn, what the hell is going on?” The tone in his voice was indignant and slightly irritated. He was now obviously determined not to let it go until they had hashed it out. That was one of the qualities she loved so much about him. He never let her weasel her out of uncomfortable situations. And she deserved it.

“You were dying, Chakotay. I wanted you to survive at any cost. When your mind deteriorated I was the only thing that kept you going. And I allowed it because I wanted you to live and because I knew that you were not yourself. Things got to a point where I needed to get you out of your wet clothes and I needed you to cooperate. You misunderstood that situation and I didn’t correct you, because it seemed to comfort you. I hadn’t realized that you would remember it so vividly.”

They stared at each other in silence and when he didn’t say anything, she continued, more silently. “And I wanted to give you space because I didn’t want to embarrass you for things that were outside of your control.”

When he still didn’t say anything, Janeway disengaged. “You were so afraid to have hurt me and it was me who hurt you all along. I should have approached you much sooner, but I didn’t want to stir unpleasant memories for you.” She whispered: “I’m so sorry, Chakotay.”

Slowly she started to walk the path downwards again. Not that he knew the uncomfortable truth she didn’t want to taunt him with her presence any longer. She had taken a few steps when she heard him, loud and clear: “What about the sunrise, Kathryn?”

She stood still and slowly turned around. “What about it?”

“You said you wanted to watch it with me.” He sounded almost sad.

“I still do, but I thought…”

He reached out with his hand. “It wouldn’t be the same with you.”

Her heart jumped and a smile crept on her face. “I suppose it wouldn’t.”

He waited until she had returned to him, then they continued their ascent together.

“That’s just us,” she mumbled, “inadvertently hurting each other to protect the other person.”

“So, what does that make us?” He asked after a while. “I suppose you know now without doubt how I feel about you.”

“Yes,” she said quietly. “But it wasn’t exactly a secret before.”

“Am I that bad at hiding it?”

“I’ve seen worse. But maybe I’m biased.”

“How so?”

“Because I looked for confirmation whether you reciprocated how I felt,” she managed to say. She put a hand on her mouth, suddenly feeling light, but relieved.

They smiled at each other and he took her hand.

That’s when the summit came into view. The sun had just begun to rise, casting a magical blue light over the whole scenery. It was breathtaking. The valleys below them looked so tiny with their small houses. Voyager was so far away and for a moment the only thing that counted was the present. When the gentle sunrays touched them she grabbed Chakotay’s collar, pulled him closer and kissed him in the light of the rising sun of Jolanthi. He leaned into her with every fiber of his being and the kiss seemed to last an eternity. When they finally released each other, Janeway wiped tears away.

“You know this can’t last,” she said and he nodded. “Right now I need a first officer and not a lover. I can’t afford the luxury of giving into this.” She leaned her forehead on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.

“Yes, Kathryn, I know. But I think being honest with each other is much needed step to strengthen our command relationship. And we need to trust each other if we want to survive. I can wait for you until times change.”

“I won’t ask that of you.”

“You don’t have to.” He gently placed a kiss on her forehead. “Knowing how you feel is everything I need.”

“I wish things were different.”

“One day they will. For now let us have this moment before we return down there and become captain and commander again.”

She nodded and kissed him again.

It was long after sunrise when they returned from their mountain hike. Neither paid notice to the smiling Jolaan watching them from behind the trees.