Chapter Text
“Would you put on a coat every once in a while, you fool? I can’t believe I’m having the same conversation with you after two years!”
“Do you ever shut up? I told you I hate wearing coats; they make me sweat like a pig!”
“You don’t shed a drop of sweat; you’re imagining it! It’s snowing. For God’s sake, at least put on a shirt with sleeves!”
“Quit your whining. You’re just jealous and butthurt because you think everybody’s going to be staring at my pecs. Noone but you gives a fuck!”
“Are you stupid? I’m trying to keep you from dying of hypothermia! Everybody’s going to be staring at you because you’ll look ridiculous walking around in the cold while you’re dressed like that!”
“No stupider than you look all bundled up the way you are. You look like a big fat sushi roll, hahaha!”
It was a December afternoon, and the young men had planned to go to the market for fish, chicken and vegetables, but thus far, they weren’t making a great deal of progress towards getting out of the door and down the road. Everyone who lived ten houses down from them or nearer could hear their quarreling without much difficulty. Among their neighbors were Tanjiro, Kanao, Aoi and Nezuko, all of whom had, after a year of overhearing the bickering, begun to wonder whether they wouldn’t be better off relocating to another part of town.
Now Inosuke, greatly amused by his own sushi joke, had seized a pair of steel chopsticks and was attempting to jab Zenitsu in the torso. Zenitsu hated to be poked, especially anywhere near the stomach, and the fact that he had two layers of winterwear to protect him didn’t make him any happier. His protests were heard all over the block. “Cut it out! I mean it! I’ll break every bone in your body, Inosuke!”
For Inosuke, all was fun and games until Zenitsu gave him a smack on the cheek. Then his face clouded over. “What the fuck is your problem, Monitsu? I was only playing!”
So saying, he moved before Zenitsu could block him and jammed the steel chopsticks into his nostrils, giving them an extra shove for good measure. “Ha, you actually look better with tusks!”
“OUCH! ARRRRGH, what the hell?”
Zenitsu extracted the chopsticks, on the tips of which he found traces of blood. “You stupid asshole!”
Inosuke did not dodge when the chopsticks were hurled at the side of his head. His face reflected remorse now. “It’s not like I was trying to hurt you for real.”
“Those things are made of metal, Inosuke!”
“Well, I told you from the start that we didn’t need anything that fancy to eat with. You should’ve just stuck with the wooden ones!”
“So you could set the house on fire with them? Get real! Forget this; we’ve wasted enough time. I’m going to the market by myself!”
“No, I’m going. Shut up and sit down, Monitsu!”
“If I let you go, you’d get nothing but meat!”
Zenitsu went for the purse, and a tussle ensued over the bag. The boys tugged back and forth until the mouth of the purse snapped open. Then Zenitsu released it with a scream.
“ARRRGHHHHH! INOSUKE!”
Inosuke stood back, laughing raucously, as a sizable black spider came dancing out of the purse and onto the floor. “That was supposed to happen when you went to pay for the groceries, but I was going to let you off. You brought that one on yourself!”
A pale-faced Zenitsu threw himself flat against the nearest wall. “Inosuke, this isn’t funny! I’m terrified of spiders; that thing’s huge. Kill it right now!”
“Nope. Don’t feel like it!”
“Inosuke, please! Smash it before it gets into the living room!”
“Why do you have to be such a little bitch? It’s just a bug; kill it yourself!”
The spider was headed in his general direction, so Zenitsu sprang for the door. “GAHHHHH! You can do the shopping yourself; in fact, you and that spider can have this whole house to yourselves, since that’s obviously what you want! I’m not sticking around to get poisoned. Inosuke, you utter piece of crap!”
Just as he caught hold of the doorknob, to his surprise, the door swung inward without his help. Tanjiro elbowed him aside, marched into the kitchen and brought the heel of his own sandal - not at all gently - down on the poor spider. Aoi and Kanao followed him into the house, which was now as silent as a temple.
Tanjiro seldom became very angry, which made the rare occasions when he did all the more unsettling for his friends. With his mouth set in a thin, tight line and his eyes flashing, he stalked over to seize a hapless Zenitsu by the ear and dragged him over to Inosuke, whom he also snagged. He gave them both a vigorous shaking, eliciting yelps and cries of pain.
“You two -” he spun them so that they faced eachother, then brought their foreheads crashing together “- are a match -” and another crash “- made in hell. And we’ve all had enough of you both, Inosuke, Zenitsu!”
When Tanjiro released them, Zenitsu and Inosuke had to regain their balance and nurse their burning ears. Their friends’ words, however, smarted more than the ear-pulling and head-slamming.
They’ve had enough of us? was the question in the look that Zenitsu gave Inosuke. We’re not really that bad, are we?
We’re a match made in hell? Inosuke’s face answered. But we like eachother - even if we do fight a little bit. We’re a good couple!
As the boys stood there, looking taken aback and wounded, their friends took them to task. Aoi aimed a finger at them. “You two have been making such a racket that everyone in the neighborhood can hear! I told you two yesterday that Nezuko-chan had a fever. I thought you’d take that fact into consideration before you thought of screaming loudly enough to wake the dead again, but I should have known better than to expect that much of you two. How in the world do you expect me to get her well again when neither of us can get a moment’s peace? Honestly, what is wrong with you two, Inosuke-san, Zenitsu-san? Do neither of you know how to live together and communicate like normal people?”
“I. . .we forgot that Nezuko-chan was sick,” came Zenitsu’s small-voiced reply.
“It’s not just about that,” Kanao spoke up. “When we first noticed you two were in love, we were surprised, and, honestly, I wasn’t sure a relationship between you would ever work. But you started dating and were actually almost kind to eachother. It seemed like you might actually be able to stand living together. Now that you do live together, you have violent arguments every single day! How are you not miserable?”
“Because there’s nothing to be miserable about!” Inosuke insisted. “So what if we fight? You telling me you and Kompachiro never get into arguments?”
“Every couple argues, Inosuke,” Tanjiro, who was calmer now, said. “The problem with you two isn’t arguing; it’s the way you treat eachother when you argue. What were you two even fighting about this time?”
Neither Zenitsu nor Inosuke could produce an answer.
“As I thought. You scream and yell, antagonize eachother and call eachother names, and you don’t even have a reason for fighting that you think makes sense. We aren’t just annoyed because you’re loud; we’re worried about you both, Inosuke, Zenitsu. You may think it’s funny to act like lunatics all the time, but at this rate, someone could get seriously hurt - physically, emotionally, or both.”
“We’ve been very patient with you and your ridiculous behavior,” Aoi went on. “We’ve suffered through the noise, watched the chaos, mediated between you and reasoned with you to explain why it’s important to treat your spouse with respect. You two refuse to listen!”
“But we won’t stand by while you act like lunatics day in and day out,” Kanao added. “Zenitsu-san, Inosuke-san, you’ve got to do something about your relationship. If you won’t, then we will. Since you’re both bent on acting like children, maybe you should be treated like children.”
Here Zenitsu’s and Inosuke’s feelings of abashment were not enough to keep them silent.
“Treated like children?”
“Hey, what are you talking about?”
Tanjiro gestured towards the front room’s entrance. “Let’s go and sit down, and we’ll explain exactly what we mean.”
Slowly, Inosuke and Zenitsu, who removed his winterwear, obeyed. What else could they do? They fought so much that to some degree, they had grown accustomed to it. But as they had gotten used to the mayhem, their friends had gotten sick of it, and now Zenitsu and Inosuke were forced to admit that they couldn’t rightly blame them; they had gone overboard and beyond with their quarreling and noisemaking. A Tanjiro who had run out of patience was a scary Tanjiro, and Aoi was scary even when she wasn’t irate. There was no telling what they would come up with in their current mood. In the front room, though a few moments ago they had been at eachother’s throats, Inosuke and Zenitsu sat side-by-side.
Aoi, seating herself across from them, broached their topic of conversation. “Inosuke-san, Zenitsu-san, have either of you heard of domestic discipline?”
“Domestic what?” Though he had heard of domestic violence, of course, Inosuke had never heard this term that Aoi was using. As for Zenitsu, he supposed he knew what “domestic” and “discipline” were, but couldn’t guess exactly what sort of discipline was being implied within the phrase and only hoped that “domestic discipline” was not something horrible that his friends intended to do to him and Inosuke.
“Domestic discipline,” Aoi explained, “is a lifestyle some couples practice. One or both of the spouses will discipline the other if he or she misbehaves. The disciplining usually involves scolding or punishment, and lots of people who like to practice domestic discipline punish with spanking.”
“You mean they beat eachother?” The first image that entered Inosuke’s mind was that of an arrogant, misogynistic brute of a man who viewed his wife as his property. “What the fuck? You must be out of your mind. That’s abuse!”
“It can be, Inosuke,” Tanjiro said, “but it doesn’t have to be, least of all if both partners want it and agree to live that way.”
Zenitsu glanced from face to face. “And you actually think it sounds normal? Exactly how do you three know about this ‘lifestyle,’ anyway? Don’t try to tell me you guys hit eachother as punishment!”
“No, we don’t,” Aoi replied. “I’ve never ‘hit’ Nezuko-chan before. But that’s because I haven’t had the need. I told her when we were dating that I wanted to practice domestic discipline, and she was happy with it.”
“You’ve got to be kidding!” Inosuke cried.
“I’m completely serious. I hate it when those I care about do silly things or put their safety and health at risk. I told Nezuko-chan just before I came to see you that she couldn’t come with me and implied that if she didn’t stay in bed and rest, she’d be in big trouble.”
Zenitsu couldn’t help but to pale a little. He shared another look with Inosuke. Poor Nezuko-chan! I feel for anyone whose behind Aoi-san decides she needs to spank!
“Ehhh, are you sure Nezuko-chan would want you to tell us about something like this, Aoi-san?”
“Oh, I’m completely sure. In fact, she’s so fed up with you two and your screaming that she said she’d be delighted for me to tell you. She wanted to come over here and do it herself!”
“Kanao and I don’t practice domestic discipline,” Tanjiro contributed. “When my sister and Aoi-san told us about it, we thought it was strange, too, and, to be truthful, I was disturbed. But I understood Nezuko and Aoi-san knew best what would work in their relationship, and I was glad they trusted Kanao and me enough to tell us.”
“And after watching the way you two fight,” Kanao said, “we stopped thinking that domestic discipline was so strange. We even understand it a little now, enough to know that agreeing to set rules and give discipline can be less hurtful than being mean to eachother whenever there’s a problem.”
“Besides,” Aoi said, “if we’re being honest, you each could benefit from a good spanking. Between you calling eachother names with every other breath you take, never bothering to encourage eachother to be quiet -”
“And you, Inosuke-san, playing terrible pranks all of the time and not knowing when to quit -”
“And you always telling Inosuke that he’s an idiot because he won’t do what you think he should, Zenitsu,” Tanjiro finished. “You know that only makes him even more stubborn.”
Zenitsu and Inosuke, feeling chastened, had nothing more to say about the strangeness of domestic discipline. They studied their hands. They knew they weren’t exactly the sort of couple who held hands every minute of the day; if they ever stopped getting exasperated with one another, their friends would probably need to haul them to a doctor.
But were they really so much meaner to eachother than they needed to be? Well, perhaps berating Inosuke wasn’t the best way to persuade him to wear a coat, and no one else that they knew had physical fights with his or her spouse such as the one they had had today. Still, were they really so bad as to possibly need a drastic intervention in the realm of punishing eachother?
After a few moments, Zenitsu ventured to ask, “But if you’ve never punished Nezuko-chan before, Aoi-san, how do you know living that way really works?”
“Well -” Aoi seemed to hesitate “- it isn’t really all about punishing. For us, a big part of domestic discipline is about preventing problems. I don’t want to punish Nezuko-chan, but since she knows I can, I don’t have to worry about her doing things like run around when she’s sick. And when we fight, she remembers to try and handle things in a healthy way instead of - for example - leaving the house and not coming back till it’s late. Because Nezuko-chan might get punished if she did something she shouldn’t, I try to hold myself to the same standards she holds herself to. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.”
The whole thing still sounded fairly bizarre to Zenitsu, but, though he hated to admit it, a small part of him felt that the setup Aoi was describing made sense. Inosuke, on the other hand, was openly unconvinced. “That still doesn’t explain how you know it wouldn’t turn out to be a total disaster if you actually punished her. Naomi’s the last person who would ever do anything bad, anyway, so why make an agreement like that? Just admit you want punishment because you get off on it!”
“Inosuke!” Zenitsu scolded.
“If I ‘got off on it,’ I wouldn’t avoid punishing Nezuko-chan as much as I could, would I?!”
“Aoi,” Kanao implored, “don’t get angry. Inosuke wasn’t trying to offend you. The last thing we need is another violent fight, anyway.”
“Fine.” Aoi averted her face, which was growing pink. “I’m squeamish about sharing things like this when it comes to other people’s relationships. But Tengen-san, Hinatsuru-san, Suma-san and Makio-san practice domestic discipline. Tengen-san was the one who told me about it. Tanjiro-san was there, too. Apparently he disciplines his wives occasionally, and Hinatsuru-san has disciplined Suma-san and Makio-san. Tanjiro-san and I weren’t exactly enthusiastic about hearing any details of his private life. But I’ve known since I was a girl that I wanted a relationship like that, and before he told me, I hadn’t known there was a term for it. So I suppose I have to thank him. If you don’t think domestic discipline works, go and ask him about it. He’ll give you an entire presentation on its benefits. And, after all, he has three people who put up with him, doesn’t he? That should count for something.”
“We didn’t come to pressure you two to start practicing domestic discipline.” Tanjiro’s voice was gentle now. “Even if you do fight too much, punishing eachother may not be good for you, the same way it wouldn’t be good for Kanao and me. It should be your choice to make. But if nothing else works, maybe you should consider it. I would if I were in your shoes.”
“Well,” Zenitsu slowly, tentatively conceded, “I guess spanking isn’t the weirdest thing you could do with your husband behind closed doors, is it? And, like you said, it’s something we’d both have to agree on.”
All that Inosuke could offer was, “If Monitsu wants to, then I guess we’ll. . .talk about it. It wouldn’t kill us to try something new.”
“Good.” Tanjiro smiled, but for a moment, his voice lowered, and his eyes became as dangerously dark as they had been earlier. “Because if you two keep disturbing the neighborhood and treating eachother terribly, then we’ll kill you.”
The darkness cleared away, and he held out his arms to invite Inosuke and Zenitsu in for a group hug. After that conversation, they couldn’t say they weren’t happy to accept. Aoi and Kanao knew that for Inosuke and Zenitsu, being rebuked by Tanjiro, their almost-always-patient best friend, had stung a little more than the scoldings they had received from the girls, and they allowed the boys a moment to bond before joining in to make the hug complete.