Chapter Text
Seungmin thinks this might just take the cake for the worst memory he is ever going to have. The situation that has his eyes rapt with attention and his mouth open and his body tense isn't even over yet, everything is still unfolding in front of him and he stands frozen at the doorway. Seungmin doesn't want to move, maybe if he stays still enough for long enough everything in front of him will disappear and he will somehow still be back in the place he just came from that he can't remember to save his life. He can't do anything actually, he is just wedged there, in place, with a foot inside the restroom.
Only when the figure crouched on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet is trying to regain their breath and flinch noticing Seungmin's presence, does Seungmin move. Seungmin flinches in return, his arms coming up and curling in on himself, his foot taking the single step away from the doorway. He is still too confused. No, actually, he's not confused, he knows exactly what just unfolded in front of him, he just doesn't know how to react. Because how does one react to the person they like throwing up petals?
Minho is the one to come to his senses first. He stands up, washes his hands and mouth, dries them on a towel and pushes past Seungmin towards the living room. Seungmin hears him saying from behind, "Kim Seungmin, you look like you just saw a ghost, you coward."
And then Seungmin unfreezes and follows to where Minho is now lounging on the couch. He stands there, looking at Minho focusing on the TV as if nothing had happened. "Hyung," he manages to say finally but nothing else comes out.
Minho doesn't even spare him a glance.
"Hyuuung," Seungmin insists.
Minho clicks his tongue and glares at him, "Just sit down, Kim Seungmin."
"Will sitting down make a difference?"
"Yes, yes it will."
So Seungmin sits. And Minho gives him a throw pillow to hold with a soulless smile, tilts his head, "Now let's watch a movie, shall we?"
Seungmin is not one to insist; he would never force a person to share something that they don't want to. But this is different, this is cataclysmic, this is fatal, this has something to do with the anxiety that is growing in him and the ache that makes itself more prominent in his heart as every second passes by. So he insists, "Hyung, you have hanahaki?" They're rushed, his words, as if even he himself doesn't want to hear them.
Minho is getting annoyed and Seungmin can tell but he can't ignore this, he can't turn away from this.
Minho looks at him and he might see his desperation because his frown becomes less prominent and his shoulders slump. "Don't you have eyes? Didn't you see me in the restroom?"
And Seungmin is once again left speechless, lost, confused. He gathers his breath and his words despite the turmoil he feels inside him, "Is it- Isn't it Han?"
Minho clenches his jaw and hums briefly in agreement.
More confusion, "Doesn't he-" he stops himself just in time and chooses softer words, "Doesn't he reciprocate your feelings?"
Now even Minho's eyes turn glassy, as if he is lost in thought elsewhere. "He doesn't," he replies still, from far away.
And Seungmin doesn't think he's ever frowned this hard but he doesn't say anything about it. Instead, he asks, "How long has it been?"
"Just about two weeks," Minho sighs and seems to return back to reality, "I wasn't planning on letting anyone know. How did you even get in?"
Seungmin gulps, trying to clear his mind enough to remember where he was before this and why he had come here in the first place. It takes him a little effort but eventually he's successful, "Hyunjin told me to drop off a file you asked for. He's the one who told me the code."
Minho hums in acknowledgement, "Thanks."
"He thought you were at the studio so he told me the code."
Another hum.
"What are you planning on doing Hyung?"
"Hm? I was going to watch something."
Seungmin clicks his tongue and sits a little straighter, holding the throw pillow a little tighter, "I meant about, about the disease."
Minho tenses again, "What can I do about it," It's not really a question, rather it's a dismissal to Seungmin's.
And Seungmin is also not sure but he still tries, "You can talk to Han?"
The glare Minho fixes him with is a little too chilly, meant to look mean, "If you say a word to Han, Kim Seungmin, I can guarantee you no one will ever know what happened to you."
"If you talk to him, maybe he will understand. Maybe he just hasn't ever thought about you like this, maybe if you tell him he can see you in a different light and he-"
"Kim Seungmin," tense, cold, "Was I not clear enough earlier?"
And Seungmin is a patient man, he's calm and he can and has bore a lot of things silently, smiling. He rarely snaps. But this, this is different, cataclysmic, fatal, this has his anxiety shake his insides and his heart ache and his gut wrenching and he can no longer pretend to be clinical about this. So he snaps, "Then what!" His voice is louder than his usual quiet tone, dripping with anguish, "Are you going to just wait till you're. Consumed?! Till there's nothing left of you?!"
Minho is a little surprised by his outburst, "Kim Seungmin, this is none of your business-"
Seungmin laughs, sarcastic, somehow exhausted, "Are you not a part of my life? Do I have no say about you being or not being in my life?"
There is a glint in Minho's eyes, annoyed, a little mean but Seungmin can't see anything through the agitation in him. Minho speaks, stern, trying to end the conversation, "No, Kim Seungmin, it is my life and you don't get a single word in on whether I live or die or suffer."
And then the first sob, finally, finally, escapes Seungmin. He'd tried his best to hold back, had been trying since the very moment his eyes had landed on Minho today. But there was something so unfair, so unbearably unfair in Minho's words. Minho had said them as if Seungmin's heart didn't beat for him, as if Seungmin wouldn't exchange his lungs out for Minho's growing garden, as if Seungmin hadn't silently loved Minho for the past three years. Another sob echoes out of Seungmin, "Hyung, I can't live without you," he says shakily, with a ragged breath, "I really, really can't." Seungmin inches closer to Minho and his hands itch to hold Minho's, to caress his arms, to feel him under his fingertips, to hold him, just to hold him; because he desperately needs to ground himself, remind himself that for now Minho is here, sitting right next to him, breathing, presumably fine. Seungmin wants to hold Minho. But it's as if his body and his instinct know that he has no right, no reason, no excuse. In the years Seungmin has longed for Minho he has never dared act upon it and maybe the holding back has become a habit so engraved in his bones that even with a mind clouded with overwhelming feelings he can't bring himself to close the gap between Minho's hands and his own, his own that hover in the air, trembling a little, slightly flailing, uncertain.
Minho is stunned to say the least. He's never seen such a panicked Seungmin; even an ever so slightly disarmed Seungmin was a rare sight, only ever letting a few stray tears escape before he removed all evidence of his eyes ever being wet, the slight redness in his eyes and lips remaining the only traces of the little feebleness he'd allowed himself. Seungmin is stable, steadfast; he is a constant, not unchangeable, just unvarying. Minho has never seen him tremble like this. He finally snaps out of it when Seungmin's fingers brush the back of his hand before retreating again. Minho doesn't know what's going on, why Seungmin is reacting like this but he decides that getting Seungmin to calm down should be a good starting point to get the situation under control. So Minho is the one holding Seungmin's hands; he grasps them in his own and brings them down in his lap, squeezing.
And before Minho can say anything, there's a gasp escaping Seungmin and his darting eyes are snapping in the direction of their hands and then up to Minho's eyes. And Minho sees too much in them, there's too many emotions clouding Seungmin's eyes and Minho doesn't know how to pick them apart and rest them at ease one by one. So he doesn't. Instead he tugs at Seungmin's arms, pulling him closer, so that he can look into his eyes properly, "Seungmin," he says calmly, "Look at me," because his eyes are now fixed on their hands where a few of his tears land. Seungmin looks at him and breaks down again, bawling.
Minho sighs and changes plan. He shifts to sit next to Seungmin and wraps his arms around him from the side. This is probably the first time they're somewhat hugging, Minho thinks, other than the cheesy group hugs Chan and Felix drag them into. "Seungmin," he says again but Seungmin doesn't listen; instead, he clenches his fists in the sleeves of Minho's shirt and bawls some more, "Hyung, you're my everything, you're everything I have, I can't afford, I can't afford to lose you, please, please," he begs.
Minho does not understand where the words Seungmin's saying are coming from. Because he does not consider himself particularly close with Seungmin, or close at all actually. They mostly interact only when their whole group is there, with their usual antics and bickering; Minho has never made plans with Seungmin only, he's never gone out with Seungmin only, he's pretty sure his chat with Seungmin is mostly empty except for a few confirmations of times and places, he's never had a lengthy conversation with Seungmin only. He can't comprehend why Seungmin would be so desperate at the prospect of Minho not being there, how he can claim that Minho is his everything and to the point that he can't live without Minho? Out of all the reactions he imagined he would never get to see, he never in a million years expected such a reaction from Kim Seungmin. Minho was even relieved to find that the person that had accidentally found out was just Kim Seungmin. Because he had expected him to be nerdy about it, clinical, presenting Minho with all the choices he had along with all their pros and cons and nodding at the path Minho decided to choose for himself, showing surprise at most. But here he has a full on sobbing and bawling and panicking Kim Seungmin that couldn't stop begging him not to leave him. Minho puts all of his surprise and confusion aside to try to calm Seungmin down.
Minho grabs his chin and makes Seungmin look into his eyes, "Seungmin," he says a little louder over Seungmin's cries, "Nothing's happening to me. Look at me, I'm sitting here in front of you, perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with me."
Seungmin's sobs quiet down as he focuses on looking at him, on seeing him, feeling him under his touch; and just to make sure, he squeezes his hands still on Minho.
"See?" Minho says as gently as he can, "I'm fine."
Seungmin sniffles and scans Minho's face and then his eyes wander lower, to his chest, where the garden is growing. A whimper breaks from him. His hands crawl to Minho's chest where he rests them for a few seconds before caressing and smoothing the wrinkles on his shirt, "It's okay," he seems to be talking to himself, "Everything will be fine. We'll find a way out, right?" He looks back up at Minho, straight in his eyes though his breath still shakes and his lips still wobble.
And Minho's breath trembles a little too, 'we'?. Seungmin had said that with so much conviction, as if he had never for a second thought of leaving Minho alone to deal with the consequences of his own actions, of his own choices; he'd said it with no hesitation, no prior pondering on the right words, he'd just said that as if it was the most natural thing, as if there was no concept other than we, as if they were one, had always been one, would always be one, as if Seungmin was suffering with him. "Mh," Minho's voice shakes a little but he hopes in his own state Seungmin doesn't notice.
"Mh," Seungmin echoes back with a nod. And then he wraps Minho in a hug, a tight, fitting, grounding one.
And Minho hugs back because no matter how ready he had been to deal with everything alone, he'd needed it.
…
Seungmin would like to say it's not the case but it is very much the case: it's the first time he's falling in love.
He's had a few crushes which explains the reason why he doesn't even flinch when he realises that he likes Lee Minho. He does groan though. And he also tries to fight it. Desperately.
Seungmin does not want to fall in love, or even romantically like someone, because he's kind of exhausted right now and he doesn't have the energy to deal with more feelings.
But it turns out that he needs it, his silent love for Minho becomes an anchor in him at some point, becomes something to ground him, something that makes him feel a little alive, something that makes his day a little easier to go through because the thought of Minho's face stirs something in him, the thought of Minho's smile makes something flutter in him. And he had needed that, he needs that. Especially when life starts to feel too monotone, too automatic, starts to feel like a weight almost. He likes routine but that doesn't mean that he likes to forget he's living. And Minho reminds him of that, of his lungs filling with air and his heart beating in his chest.
Seungmin is a freshman when he meets a junior Minho. Seungmin doesn't have any friends at that time, he's just moved back to South Korea alone and has been too busy trying to navigate the new yet still familiar setting and settle down. He doesn't even have that much emotional energy to interact with anyone either. So he's decided to keep to himself mostly. However, he gets lost on campus once. So he scans the area around him to find someone that looks nice enough and would kindly help him and maybe it's his bias towards the colour that leads him to approach a purple-haired boy that's fidgeting with his phone leaning against a pillar; when the boy lifts his gaze at a soft 'Excuse me' Seungmin regrets his decision a little because the man doesn't exactly have any softness or openness in his eyes. Seungmin still pushes through and asks for directions and is proven entirely wrong in his judgement when the stranger, instead of just indicating the way, willingly takes Seungmin to his destination, despite Seungmin's feeble protests. And that is the first time Seungmin feels like he's living life in a long, long while. They don't really chat along the way but for some reason Seungmin can feel his heart beating.
Seungmin meets Purple Head a month or so later, a few weeks after he's turned nineteen. Seungmin is simply sitting on a bench outside, reading through some material under the sunshine before going to the library when he's approached by a panting purple-haired stranger. Purple Head puts his hands on his knees and in between heavy breaths says, "Could you, perhaps, help me, buy, buy some clothes. Please."
Seungmin tilts his head in question and Purple Head straightens, breathing a little better, "We have a dance competition in like a couple of hours and our costumes," he hesitates, "In any case, our costumes are missing and my apartment is too far and the only choice I have is to buy some on my way to the venue, which is not on campus by the way and all my teammates are already there so they can't come back to-" he shakes his head, "So the only choice I have is to buy something but my fucking phone just broke and I don't have enough money so could you please lend me some. I promise, I can sign a contract if you want, that I will return the-"
Seungmin gets up and starts putting his stuff away and Purple Head looks like he's going to go on his knees to beg Seungmin but before he can even open his mouth to say something Seungmin beats him to it, "How do we get to a store though?"
Purple Head looks so relieved that a smile escapes Seungmin.
They run to it apparently, and then they rush to gather what Purple Head sees fit and once they're out of the store Purple Head's hands are too full so Seungmin offers to help. Purple Head quickly accepts and before Seungmin can even ask the direction, Purple Head is running once again and Seungmin runs after him. But really Seungmin is not made for running this much so at one point he has to stop to breathe; when Purple Head realises a few seconds later, he comes back to Seungmin and he looks really guilty as he says, "I'm so sorry for making you do all this but we can't miss this bus." And once again, before Seungmin can even say something, Purple Head is grabbing his hand and dragging him along as he speed walks this time.
And despite his heavy breathing, Seungmin is smiling.
Purple Head has the decency to take Seungmin to his friends and blurts out, "Let's talk about the loan later," before he's grabbing all the bags and rushing away. Seungmin chuckles, thinking that calling it a loan might be a little extreme. And then Seungmin's pulled into a conversation with a Jeongin and a Chan and that's when he finds out the name, Minho. And it is when he smiles at the discovery, when he smiles at finding out the name of the stranger that had just occasionally crossed his mind before he realises what's going to happen, what has already started happening. And that is also when he starts to fight it, when he raises a sword against his own self, ready for battle.
But as Seungmin watches the stranger, watches Minho, dance as if the costume mishap had never happened, as if the stage was built for him especially, Seungmin feels a sense of doom. Which only increases as Seungmin joins Minho with his teammates, Hyunjin, Felix and Changbin along with Jeongin and Chan for their afterparty. Jisung wasn't there that day for a reason Seungmin doesn't remember but he firmly believes that he would have won the battle if Jisung had been there because all it would have taken was to see the way Minho looked at Jisung.
But he meets Jisung a little later, when he's already losing the battle. So he uses the new encounter as motivation, as a reason to stand again and wield the sword again and swing it at himself again.
But when Minho makes him a lunchbox even after he's paid him back just to thank him for the costumes, the sword trembles, threatening to crumble. And when Minho buys him medicine when he has a bad cold and cough, his sword actually starts to crumble. And it crumbles and crumbles until Seungmin is left with his fists only. And just like that, slowly, one act at a time, one sight of a purple-haired man at a time, the fight in Seungmin leaves him entirely and he just embraces his feelings, accepts them as a fact, telling himself that one day, some day, he will also face them.
…
It seemed Seungmin was planning on taking the 'we' very seriously.
Minho's daily life goes from a moderate presence of Kim Seungmin to an excessive one. Suddenly Seungmin is everywhere; physically or not, he makes his presence known still. It is not really sudden actually. Because Seungmin is smart, smart enough to make steady, gradual changes.
At first it was only texting and Seungmin would text him in the morning and in between classes and in the evening. It was really just awkward small talk about what they were eating, the weather, their schedule and so on. Minho lets Seungmin pull whatever he's trying to do, telling himself that he will just ask Seungmin to stop when his patience runs out.
Then Seungmin starts waiting for him outside the studio where Minho gives his lessons. The first time Seungmin shows up Minho is so surprised that he thinks the messages Seungmin showers(he knows he's exaggerating) him with on a daily basis are getting to his head and he's hallucinating. When it seems that it is the very real Kim Seungmin waving at him and greeting him, Minho frowns, "What are you doing here?" is the first thing he says.
"I'm here to see you," is the response, it sounds practised.
Minho just raises his eyebrows sceptically.
"Aren't you going to the café?"
"I am," Minho starts walking.
Seungmin follows, "Well, I need coffee."
"And you needed coffee from a café that is twenty minutes away on foot from your university?"
"Yes, I want the coffee you make."
"Aren't you afraid I might poison you?"
"Well have fun in jail then."
"How naive of you to think that there will even be a trace of me related to your case."
"If I die in your café I'm pretty sure there will be more than just a trace of you."
"Who says you'll die in my café?"
"Aren't you going to poison me?"
"Kim Seungmin, do you really think I'm stupid enough to let that happen? I'm going to give you one of those delayed poisons so it works only once you've left."
"It is, by no means, a foolproof plan. What if I go to class and tell my classmate where I went and what I did. They can testify against you."
"And who is going to prove that they're telling the truth?"
"The receipt you're going to give me."
"We'll see then, how things actually unfold."
Minho has never found the ten minute walk from his studio to his café this short.
When Seungmin pays for his coffee, Minho takes the receipt, raises it in front of Seungmin and rips it into four pieces. "May your classmate have fun trying to prove they're telling the truth, Kim Seungmin," he says with a satisfied smirk and Seungmin actually, genuinely laughs, "I guess I'll have to die an unfair death for today."
And then Seungmin comes again the next day.
"I'm extremely displeased that yesterday's poison didn't work on you, Kim Seungmin."
"Well, isn't it a nice day to move towards success?"
"Are you that eager to be poisoned?"
"Being poisoned by coffee doesn't really sound that bad."
"Huh, then I really should give you the pleasure."
"I'm planning to stay at the café until I collapse from the poison though, so you better start finding some cover for yourself."
"You're staying?" Minho walks into the café, purposely closing the door behind him.
Seungmin almost walks into the glass but catches himself just in time, "I see you've changed strategies entirely, quite impressive."
Minho just gives him a smug look.
They walk to the counter, "I don't have any evening classes so I was thinking of getting some work done."
"Here? Isn't it a little too noisy? Even if it isn't now, it really will be when the rush hour hits."
"It's okay, I can use my earphones."
Minho just nods.
And then Seungmin's there the next day too, and the one after that and the one after that. Basically, every day Seungmin doesn't have evening classes he stays at the café until it's closing time and on the days he has classes he gets his coffee and makes his twenty minute walk back. Seungmin thinks Minho doesn't need to know that the walk occupies forty minutes of his break and then it takes ten minutes to get his coffee ready and so he only has ten other minutes to quickly eat something; Seungmin does it because he wants to, not to show it to Minho.
Minho, on the other hand, doesn't let on but he notices the way every so often Seungmin raises his head and scans around until his eyes land on Minho where they linger for a few seconds before he goes back to his notes; sometimes Minho is busy in the back and Seungmin goes to the restroom and on his way back he takes a detour to where Minho could possibly be and they bicker for a few minutes before Seungmin returns to his table.
After that, on one of those days where Seungmin gets his assignments done as Minho's working, Seungmin stays past closing time and waits for Minho to finish cleaning and locking up. "I got too lost in my studies," is his excuse.
Seungmin walks Minho home and Minho invites him for dinner and then Seungmin goes back to his own apartment. Until one day he doesn't. And then it becomes two days, three days; and then two to three days a week and then a week and then time blurs and Seungmin doesn't keep count.
It's not that Minho doesn't know what Seungmin is trying to do, he knows perfectly. And Seungmin might think himself sneaky but he really isn't with all his glances in Minho's direction as if Minho is going to get swept away by just a gust of wind. It leaves Minho wondering whether Seungmin had always done that or if Minho was just noticing now.
Minho lets Seungmin be because Seungmin is smart and lets Minho be in return. Though Seungmin keeps an eye on him, he never interferes until he's sure that Minho is aware that he needs a hand and then he extends one.
By now, after months of Seungmin being a perpetual presence in his life, he has countless examples: all the times he provides an alibi for Minho's lies about it being just a really bad cough; all the times he lies so he can take Minho out of where their friends are crowded to allow Minho to clear his throat of petals and, after a while, stems too; all the times he tries to distract everyone so Minho can go and throw up flowers; all the times that he checks on Minho's enervated self after he's just got rid of flowers and gives him some candy or anything that he has to try and get Minho's energy back as he wipes Minho's face for him; all the times he helps Minho come up with excuses for him to leave and it went on and on.
Minho's condition seems to worsen when Jisung is around so that's why he has to put in a lot of effort every time they have their Friday Night. It's also the reason why Minho has stopped going over to Jisung's but that obviously doesn't stop Jisung from coming over. And, once again, Seungmin is always there, just within the reach of Minho's arm, within a comforting proximity. Minho thinks Seungmin is like the chilly waves that come to cool his feet down when the sand underneath them starts to burn. And how does one thank the waves for being there, how does one appreciate them other than quietly sitting there and gazing at them?
…
Minho comes to find Seungmin's presence soothing.
It's a big difference from Jisung's elevating presence. Minho has always liked cloudy weather because it's not too bright for his eyes and it's also not too hot, it's just right. And Minho is in his metaphorical, shaded, corner though it's already cloudy. And Jisung pulls him out of it and he does it in a way that makes Minho willing to leave his corner and be under the clouds.
Seungmin on the other hand, Minho's not sure how to put it but he feels like he is standing with his back against a wall and Seungmin is standing right in front of him. And when Minho wants to feel the wind on his face, Seungmin moves away, still within an arm's reach but not obscuring his view. And when he feels his legs wobble Seungmin comes to stand against him, not caging him with his arms, just standing against him, chest to chest, breath mingling, pressing him against the wall so he has no chance of collapsing; and Minho's arms are still free, free to clasp him and pull him closer, free to grasp him and push him away. And Minho is still in his metaphorical, shaded corner but it's sunny and he doesn't seem to hate it, rather seems to bask in the warmth that it filters in his corner, seems to like the unique fragrance that reminds him of sunbathed comforters.
…
It dawns on Minho that the we had been a confession, it had all been a confession of sorts, be it Seungmin's vulnerability, his words, his actions, his tears; every breath Seungmin had taken in that moment had been a confession, had been a silent I love you, had been an unspoken I need you here, with me, had been an unuttered It pains me to see you suffering.