Chapter Text
“Dude, go!” Nat yelled at Van, prompting her to chug her fifth, or maybe it was actually her sixth, beer since they started playing. Luckily, Van was able to flip her cup on the first try saving her from the wrath of Lottie, Nat, and Jackie if they lost to the junior varsity baseball players that glowered at them, trying and failing to be intimidating across Lottie’s dining room table.
Van had been distracted a lot lately and always for the same foolish very pretty reason. The explanation for Van’s all-consuming preoccupation over the last few months was in the next room giggling at some lame ass joke that one varsity basketball player Van couldn’t be bothered to learn the name of was whispering to her. Taissa Turner doesn’t even laugh like that, at least she doesn’t when she laughs at Van’s jokes.
Taissa did a lot of things differently at these parties though. She fluttered her lashes at boys and nodded along to the things they said. She got this kind of distant look in her eyes and her usual smile became a poorly disguised grimace. And she barely spent any time with Van.
It was odd though, the way she spent almost every party lately beside a different boy, but never went out with any of them. No, Friday nights were still reserved for cuddling while she watched the latest X-Files with Van. When Van really thought about it, they spent most Saturdays and Sundays together as well, and Tai usually insisted they study together after school during the week. So why is Van merely her casual acquaintance at parties? She thinks she knows the answer and really wishes she didn’t.
Jackie went after Van and quickly secured them their victory.
“In your face losers,” Jackie jumped up and down.
“How about a rematch?” Dean? Derek? Dave? asked.
“Do you really need more practice losing before your season starts?” Nat retorted.
“Yeah, you should really have that down by now considering your record-breaking losing streak last season. How many games in a row was that again?” Van taunted.
“Eighteen in a row, isn’t that right, Drew?” Lottie quipped.
“Whatever. Fucking B –”
Jackie sent a particularly pointed glare in his direction and Drew quickly shut up and sulked away with his three teammates.
The four of them flopped into the carved wood dining chairs they had lined up along the wall before the game. Van was exhausted and well past the point of tipsy. If she’s completely honest with herself, she hasn’t been in much of a partying mood all night anyway. At least not since Tai started talking to Bradley or Chadley or whatever his fucking name is right after they got here.
It was evidently approaching midnight when Van scanned the party. Everyone had begun pairing off for the midnight ritual. Girls with boys of course, this is suburbia after all.
The girls that hadn’t found a mate yet continued their search with the urgency of an ant collecting the last crumbs of food before the first snow. None of them seemed to care much about which boy this late in the evening, any old one would do, judging by the ones some of them were pairing off with at least.
Well, all the girls except the four of them it seemed. Nat couldn’t be bothered to care about stupid high school bullshit like what boy she would kiss at midnight. Nat and Lottie would probably go to Lot’s room to ‘split a joint’ around that time anyway, like they did toward the end of most parties. Lottie would tell the others she was ‘too shy to flirt with boys,’ but Van knew the real reason was much closer to hers. Jackie already had a boy to kiss at midnight, though she didn’t seem too keen on even being in the same room as him the rest of the night. She rarely was unless a camera was pointed in their direction. Van… well Van never really had much of an interest in boys and had given up on feigning it around middle school. No one had bought it anyway. No, it was easier at this point to tolerate the uneasy stares and occasional insults in the halls than to play a truly Razzie worthy part that left her stomach in knots.
It’s fine really. Just another experience Van doesn’t get to have because she’s not like them. She’s always done a shit job at pretending to be something she’s not. Who needs some lame kiss at midnight anyway?
Van gazed at Taissa in the next room and caught her already looking in her direction wistfully. It wasn’t the first time tonight. Does she really pity her that much? Tai always looked at her like some injured puppy at these parties and it frustrated her to no end. She gets it Tai is normal and gorgeous and isn’t like her.
What if she knows? She can’t possibly know how Van feels, right? She’s tried so hard to hide it. She keeps trying to stamp out that little flicker in her chest whenever she looks at Tai before it can become a flame that would incinerate their friendship and any ties she has to her.
Van doesn’t quite know when it happened, but her feelings for Taissa had begun to shift from how she believed most girls felt about their best friends. She started noticing the small things no one else would, like the way her eyes glittered when Van made her laugh and how she chewed her lip before a test but stopped when Van caught her eye. How Tai would pull Van closer when they were falling asleep in her bed after a movie marathon or study session. The way Tai always saved Van a seat next to her at every school assembly and team outing. How it felt when Tai played with her hair casually while watching tv like she was completely clueless to Van’s heart trying to burst right through her chest the entire time like that alien in that one movie Tai loved.
Van never really has been like most girls, but this development is particularly concerning. She can’t have those feelings for her straight – Lottie has argued with Van on multiple occasions that Tai is far from straight, but there’s no way – best friend.
Maybe this is just how everyone felt about their best friend. I mean Van had noticed Jackie looking at Shauna the way she looked at Taissa. Perhaps it’s completely normal to be all-consumingly captivated by everything your best friend does. But then why did Van’s stomach plumet every time Tai so much as glanced at a boy during one of these parties?
When Van glanced over at Jackie, she noticed her staring at Shauna and the boy she was with, that Jackie herself set her up with for the party, with a look of longing melancholia that Van was almost certain mirrored her own when she looked at Tai earlier. It must be a perfectly normal way to feel about your platonic best friend, if Jackie feels similarly about Shauna. I mean she’s never seen Jackie look at Jeff that way.
Van turned to Jackie on her left, “Can I ask you something kind of … um… strange?”
“Van, I’m sure you’d never ask anything that strange,” Jackie looked at Van sincerely.
Van took a breath, “When you’re around Shauna, do you ever notice things about her?”
“Of course I notice things about her, she’s my best friend,” Jackie giggled.
“No like, do notice things you think you shouldn’t? Like what makes her eyes light up or the way she bites her lip when she’s reading or like how pretty she looks after practice…”
“Well obviously I notice she’s pretty, because she is. It’s just an objective fact, Van. Like the other girls in our class are also pretty, but Shauna is like one of the most beautiful girls in the entire state of New Jersey. Girls are just nicer to look at, it’s like science, you know?”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” Van glanced at Lottie just in time to catch the beginning of an eye roll before turning back to Jackie, “What about when she’s with a boy, do you feel like you ate five-day old pizza from Laboni’s and then tried to run suicides right after?”
“That’s real specific Van. Wouldn’t have anything to do with that one practice back in September, would it?” Nat laughed.
“Oh, shut up. You’re the one who said eating five-day old pizza was fine.”
Jackie looked over at Shauna on the couch in the next room before answering, “I do get this like sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s just because we care about them though. Like I worry about her with boys. They’re so pushy and gross sometimes, and I don’t want Shauna to ever get hurt.”
Van nodded. Yep, her feelings for Taissa must be platonic, if Jackie feels all the same things for Shauna.
Where is Tai, anyway? Van noticed Chadley now stood alone against the living room wall with Taissa nowhere in sight. Did she leave without her?
Tai answered Van’s question when she sat down right in her lap. Van’s heart ran off without her again. Dear god, maybe it was better when she was across the room with Brian.
Tai turned to look at Van and placed a hand on her shoulder, “Hi, you looked lonely, and you shouldn’t be, not on New Year’s Eve.”
“I have Nat and Lottie and Jackie. Besides, won’t Brad be lonely,” Van replied just a touch too sharply.
Tai’s pretty smile quickly faded, “Brandon will be fine without me. I wanted to spend time with you.”
“You could’ve spent time with all of us earlier.”
Tai’s brow furrowed like it did during a particularly difficult exam, “Van, let’s take a walk.”
“Tai, it’s almost midnight and it’s like twenty-five degrees out.”
“You’ll be fine. You’re dressed warm enough,” Tai gave the collar of her green flannel a little tug, “I mean look at what I’m wearing,” she gestured to the maroon velvet she wore with the crystal buttons leading up to the scoop neck and the slit that went so far up, her entire leg was practically out the whole night. Safe to say, Van had noticed it. She isn’t going to live to see the New Year if Tai keeps this up.
Van sighed, “Fine, I need some air anyway.”
Tai grabbed Van’s hand and led her through the crowds of couples and out the French double doors that opened onto the deck that surrounded Lottie’s pool. The sounds of the party were muffled and distorted as the backdoor closed behind them. Snow dusted the entire backyard and deck like powdered sugar on a funnel cake from Asbury Park boardwalk.
Tai interlocked their fingers and pulled Van closer. It was nice, the way their hands fit together like a puzzle Van’s been trying to solve for years. If only everything about them could be this simple. If only things could be as easy for them, if there even can be a them, as they are for all the couples inside.
Tai shivered and Van put her arm around her, “We should probably go back inside.” I really don’t want to go back inside.
“No! I mean… what about Lottie’s pool house?”
“What about it, Tai.”
“Well, you know where Lottie keeps the key, right?”
“Future valedictorian and lawyer Taissa Turner wants to break and enter?” Van laughed.
“Firstly, we’re not breaking if we have the key, we’re only entering. Secondly, do you really think Lottie cares if we go in the pool house?”
Van sighed and rubbed her temple, “Fine, I guess you really are a future lawyer, I’ll do it. Are you sure you don’t want to ring in 1994 with the other’s though? It’s got to be close to midnight.”
Tai looked at her with a glimmer in her eye, “I’m with everyone I want to spend New Year’s with.”
Van shrugged but couldn’t keep her cheeks from taking on a particularly rosy hue and a smile from playing on her lips as she led them over to an obviously fake rock right in front of the pool house. She keyed in a code on a number pad underneath it and grabbed the key. She unlocked the door and hit the light. Tai kept holding her hand even once they were inside. It was a bit dusty, but otherwise fine in the winterized pool house. They leaned against the back of the plastic covered couch.
Tai stared at the clock in on the microwave in the small galley kitchen. When Van checked, it read eleven fifty-five
… five minutes to midnight.
Van studied Tai, she was biting her lip and she had that look on her face that she got on the rare occasions she didn’t know the answer to a question.
“Tai, we can go back inside, I’m sure you can still find Bret.”
“What?”
“Bret, the guy you spent all night with, remember?”
“Why would I want to find, Brandon?”
“Because it’s almost midnight and tradition says –”
“Fuck, tradition,” Tai said adamantly
… four minutes to midnight.
“But don’t you want to?” Van questioned. If that wasn’t Tai’s end goal, then why spend all night with him?
“Don’t I want to what?”
Van sighed and played with her small gold hoop earring with her hand that wasn’t holding Tai’s, “Have a kiss at midnight. Like obviously, it’s this ridiculous, overhyped, pointless tradition that’s just like used as an excuse for a bunch of drunk teens to make out with each other. But, I kind of think it would be nice, if I ever had someone I wanted to kiss at midnight.” Someone who wasn’t my straight best friend.
“Who said I can’t kiss someone at midnight?” Tai looked at Van carefully when she said it, like she was worried she may have broken something she couldn’t ever quite piece back together the same.
Van was fairly certain her heart had taken flight and was close to Times Square by now. Surely, Van misheard Taissa or misinterpreted something
… three minutes to midnight.
She took a breath before she met Tai’s hopeful gaze, “But it’s only us out here, Tai.”
“And?”
“We’re both… you’re not…”
“I’m not what, Van?”
“Like me.”
“Like what?”
Van sighed, “Gay… a girl who likes girls… a lesbian.”
“But I am, Van.”
“Wait… you are?”
“God, you really are dense sometimes,” Tai turned to face Van
… two minutes to midnight.
“But you never said anything?”
Tai rolled her eyes, “Van, we spend almost every day together. I leave notes with inside jokes in your locker. I tell you how pretty you are every chance I get. We cuddle multiple times a week. I literally won you a teddy bear when we all went to the boardwalk last summer.”
“Okay, but best friends could also do that?”
“Do you do those things with Lottie?”
“No. Wait… did you say last summer?”
“Yeah Van, I’ve liked you for a while.”
Van smiled softly, “I wish we would’ve figured this out sooner.”
“Well, we figured it out now,” Tai tucked a loose strand of red hair behind Van’s ear, “By the way, you looked really beautiful tonight.”
At this point, it felt like her heart was inside the giant aluminum ball that was descending rapidly toward the crowd below a quick train ride and a world away.
… one minute to midnight.
“You looked amazing tonight, Tai, but you’re always like the most gorgeous girl on the entire planet.”
“Stop.”
“Listen, I’m simply stating an objective fact based on the evidence presented. Aren’t you supposed to like, believe me, miss future lawyer?”
“Oh, shut up,” Tai laughed blushing before she started to lean in.
Van started to lean in to meet Tai’s lips and… what if she doesn’t remember how to kiss? I mean, she’s only kissed two girls before and neither time was like this, and it was over a year ago. Worse, what if she remembers, but she’s bad at it? What if Tai realizes she’s too good for her? What if… oh.
When their lips met all the ever-present worries in Van’s brain were replaced with how soft her lips were and the way her hand felt on the small of her back. The way she tasted like spear mint gum and grape lip smackers. The way Van could already tell she would never forget that minty fruity flavor. The way she knew nothing will ever be the same after that kiss and somehow that was reassuring when it would have been distressing just half an hour ago.
Yeah, those fireworks across the river can’t rival this.