Work Text:
Some days are better than others’, centuries of trauma can’t be overcome in a day, no matter how frustrating it is to have such a weakness. Xie Lian is always there for him on bad days just as Hua Cheng is there for him on bad days. It’s a great comfort to know that his beloved is right here and safe, and happy, so, so happy. But sometimes he can’t help but think he should have found him faster, should be able to give him more; but he is a selfish and greedy man who will never give up his beloved until his beloved himself pushes him away. It feels so impossible that Xie Lian hasn’t realized what a hideous person he is yet and sent him away or worse, struck him down by his own hand, but if oblivion came from the hands of his god he would welcome it fully and sincerely. But he knows that Xie Lian would never allow it.
Xie Lian likes to hold him in bed in the early hours of the morning, refusing to let him go until the sun is shining through the windows. Hua Cheng is used to getting up before the sun peeks over the horizon but if his husband wants him to stay in bed for a while longer then he can only comply with his wishes. After all it’s not like he’s suffering with an unimpeded view of Xie Lian’s face, soft with sleep, he gets this funny little feeling in his chest every time he looks at him, like his silent heart is trying to race and his lifeless lungs are trying to squeeze. It’s not painful, nothing like what either of them have experienced and he would never give it up.
Sometimes Hua Cheng’s empty eye socket hurts, phantom pain he had heard the few unlucky enough to survive losing a limb call it as a soldier. On those days more often than not Hua Cheng can be found in his office with all sources of light blocked out as the pain echoes through his head in a splitting headache; Xie Lian will often come and hold his head in his lap while he runs gentle fingers through his hair and delicately scratches at his scalp in an attempt to ease his pain.
Hua Cheng loves the way Xie Lian gasps his name and clings to him whenever the mood strikes them and they make love, even if he feels guilty after. His god is so kind and good and pure, and he has sullied him with his touch. Xie Lian disagrees anytime he catches Hua Cheng in the act of self condemnation and it still baffles him as to why but his god is the most gracious person and most likely sees something in him that he can’t. But His Highness always looks so happy to be with him and Hua Cheng is selfish enough to not question it just in case His Highness pulls away and leaves him alone in the dark.
The light of Xie Lian’s smile out competes the sun but is still gentle enough that even Hua Cheng, a ghost, can stand under it. A gentle touch from his husband is all it takes to pull Hua Cheng from his thoughts as Xie Lian places a hand on his arm before wrapping him in a hug,
“Gege?”
“San Lang.”
No more words are shared, just loving touches and even more loving, gentle looks and kisses. Yes, Hua Cheng is a selfish and greedy man, and that’s why he could never possibly want to give this up.