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"Is this the first time?" Lizzie asks as she dabs disinfectant on the hundreds of tiny cuts the broken glass left on his back.
"Once on the ship back. Not as bad." Tommy answers, voice clipped, deciding to give her part of the truth
9 years ago...
"So it's all business as usual." she finishes with a small sadness laced smile when she looks at her brother.
Tommy gives her half of a quarter smile and hers fades slowly. He's home for three weeks tomorrow, the shaved spot on his head almost fully covered in stubble hiding the reminder he'll always carry with him of the day Father Hughes attack dogs broke his skull.
Still, even after such a long time he's still mostly bedridden. Weak from pain and the toll healing takes on ones body, muscles withered away from disuse, sight still blurring to the point that he can barely make out her face, loud noises still barely tolerable.
Hearing of it made her come up there, she packed a bag and took Karl with her. Deciding the fresh air woud do him good, he could play in the gardens and stables and keep little Charlie some company while she helped looking after his father. No one else of the family came to stay with him or even visit, they paid an expensive nurse who could keep her mouth shut but that was about it.
Ada didn't blame them though, affection had never been her family's strong suit. After Arthur, Tommy and John had come home from the war all three of them struggled in their own way, screaming at night, haunted looks during the day, months and months of unhealthy coping mechanisms and outlets. All brushed away with a clap on the shoulder and a swig of Whiskey. Shelbys were hard cut people.
"You worry too fuckin' much."
Tommys quiet voice breaks her out of her thoughts and she blinks to find him studying her face, his bright blue eyes not as deathly dull anymore.
"There's a lot to worry about in the world, Tommy." she sighs and leans forwards, putting her hand on his "but at least my silly brother makes me worry a bit less now."
"That's a relief." his voice is as monotone as ever "How are Karl and Charlie gettin' along?"
"Dragging him into all sorts of mischief my son is." she says and her heart warms the same way it always does when Tommy asks about his son. If there was one thing she never would have expected was her closed off, uptight and ever in control brother would ever have a kid of his own but now that she witnesses the love and kindness and much too rare smiles when he's with Charlie, she couldn't be happier.
"Good, that's good." he answers absent mindedly and blinks rapidly a couple of times before he brings his hand up to his face, fingers rubbing over his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Tommy? Can you still see me?" she asks, suddenly concerned.
"No-nno-t..." the words get stuck in his throat, arm falling to his side he still looks in Adas direction but she knows he can't see her.
"It's alright," her voice quivers as she watches his adams apple bob "it'll pass, don't worry."
Her words echo trough his skull, bouncing off of the cracks, his vision is gone and the taste of steel is in his mouth.
She can do nothing but watch his body become taught like a bow string forcing a terribly painful sound from his lips.
"Fuck!" she exclaims, bolting up from her chair, wood screeching on wood, she's ready to do whatever it takes but there's nothing. Absolutely nothing he can so when his painfully rigid body starts shaking like possessed by the devil himself, her stomach churns painfully and his name falls from her lips like prayer.
Suddenly, the door opens and the nurse comes rushing in, probably alarmed by the sudden noises from her patients room.
"Not again." she mutters, moving past Ada, going straight to work. She bends over the bed, turning her brother on his side with a skilled grip, casts a quick glance at the clock before she makes sure he's not tangled in the sheets.
Ada can only stand by and watch, breath falling out of her in heavy gasps, hands trembling at her sides it feels like hours before Tommys body finally stills.
What follows are the most dreadful seconds of her life, looking at her brothers deathly still form, a sheen of sweat glistening on his skin, not breathing.
"Come on." the nurse says in a low voice, gently patting his spine.
Finally, a laboured, dragging wet breath escapes his body, then another accompanied by some thick, white spit. The nurse wipes it off with a practised move of her hand covered in a handkerchief while it seems Tommys whole body is trying to force air in and out of his lungs.
"My god..." Ada whispered, drawing the nurses attention.
"He's alright, it didn't last too long," she says reassuringly "he'll probably be asleep for a bit now."
Ada simply nods, gaze still glued to her brothers curled up body "Please let me know when he wakes up." she breathes before turning on her heel and fleeing the room.
She had seen it all, fuckin' hell she'd been the one to drive him to the hospital and she's endured it. She'd pushed her emotions aside, for her brother sake. But this was too...unexpected, too sudden, so heartbreaking it made her head spin.
Outside, she found the boys playing in the stables. Karl patting a horses nose with Charlie next to him, sat on a bale of hay with a couple of toys spread around him.
Without second thought she hoisted them both up into her arms, holding them close to her chest, feeling their warmth, their life.
"Mummy?" Karl patted her shoulder, trying to get her attention "Something happen to uncle Tommy?"
"No love," she was quick to answer, pushing her emotions deep down inside her for the childrens sake "Its all good."
She spends the next couple of hours with the children, watching them play out in the afternoon sun. Her heart aches.
She doesn't know how much time has passed when Mary suddenly appears in front of her with a small smile on her face.
"He's asking for you."
It was all it took for her to get up from the picknick blanket, Mary reassouring her she would look after the boys she hurried towards the house.
She is greeted by the sight of her brother propped up against some pillows on the chaiselongue by the large window in his bedroom.
"Ada." he says, his voice deep and smooth as always is all it takes for a shuddering sigh of relief to fall from her lips.
"Dear fucking god Tommy," she exclaims while making her way across the room to flop down next to him, eyes on him, cheking him form head to toe as if she'd fear he would disappear any second right before her eyes.
"No one must know about this."
Of course. "Are fucking kidding me?"
"Ada, please..."
"No," she cuts him off, suddenly angry "Your nurse said 'not again'. Again, Tommy? Since when has this been happening?"
He presses his lips firmly together before clicking his tongue, almost his old self "Since the hosiptal." he finally admist, voice tight with emotion.
"Since the hospital?" she repeats, louder than neccessary making him groan in pain.
"Yes, Ada," he repeats, voice breathless and small "since the fuckin' hospital."
They stare at each other for a couple of long, hard seconds until she feels her throat tighten with emotion, a cruel mix of fear and relief keeping her insides in a vice grip. Like fight or flight.
"God, Tommy..." the syllables tumble over her lips and her head drops before she reaches out for him.
He falls against her bonelessly and her arms come around him instinctively, one hand braced around the back of his head with gentle fingers brushing through the black stubble.
Tommy shudders in her arms, releasing a breath so deep as if he'd been holding it forever. Her body feels like a safety net preventing him from falling to his death in a circus tent like an artist with the strings cut, her warm and steady hand keeps his broken head from shattering again like a glass cup hit by a bullet. Her touch feels heavenly, like an angel caressing the raw and painful skin after weeks and weeks of only cold doctors hands prodding at it.
"It's alright," she whispers into his hair "You're going to be okay, you hear me. I'm here." she's not sure who she's trying to calm down.
There's another shudder, and then another, warm salty drops run down her neck and seep into the soft fabric of her dress. Her older brother holds onto her with a weak but steady grip and she can almost physically feel the hurt seeping out of his body, fuming out his soul and into the breeze carried in through the open window.
"It's okay," she repeats like a mantra "it's all good now."
The shudders stop eventually but neither of them move,
"I'm scared, Ada." the words are muffled by her shoulder but sink into her heart like needles "I'm so fuckin' scared."
She knows he would haver never said it looking into her into the eyes but in the silence of her embrace, eyes shut tighly against the world, all masks fall. The injury hadn't robbed her of her brother but had merely stripped away the carefully constructed layers of indifference and anger, resting on his chest like chainmail.
"I know." Ada whispers, feels how small his body feels in her embrace, how frail. Nothing but skin and bones and fear. "I know."
It's late in the evening when someone knocks, no bangs actually, on her front door. She looks out of the window, spots the familiar parked outside and makes her way downstairs.
It's raining cats and dogs outside, water dribbles from Tommys flat cap when she opens the door and ushers him inside, away from the nasty weather into the warmth of her house. There's something in his eyes, not like the high of adrenalin, just an edge of something she can't quite put her finger on.
"Come on."
She leads him to the drawing room, sits down across from him on the sofa and watches him closely.
Her brother sits there, eyes set on the floor, taught like a rope about to rip apart with his hands clenched on his knees.
"They're back, Ada." Tommy says in a voice so low it's barely above a whisper. Ada was the only one who ever knew.
"What is?" she aks, genuinely concerned.
He raises his gaze and looks straight at her. All she can see in his blue eyes is pain but mostly fear, pitless bottomless oceans of fear silently screaming at her, and she understands.
"When?" she breathes, her body instinctively angles towards him in concern.
He forcefully clears his throat "Last night." fishes a cigarette from the sillver box "after we got back from the doctor with Ruby."
"Fuck." is all she can manage, moving closer to him "Was it bad?"
"Kind of." he takes a drag followed by a long exhale "It's hell, Ada. It's hell and there's no escape." there's a forceful blinks before he liks his quivering lips.
Ada heaves a sigh, watching her brother smoke and disappear further and further into himself.
"Have you been to a doctor yet?" she asks eventually already knowing the answer.
"Last time I went I got the Laudanum, and we all know how that went." he finishes with a sideways glance at her.
"Maybe it was just this once Tommy, who knows."
He lets out a humourless laugh "That's what they said in the 'ospital, all them fucking years ago."
She watches him stub out the cigarette with more force than neccessary "When was the last time?"
The muscles in his jaw work "After Mosley." he finally answers around the smoke of the next one already lit.
"It was probably just the stress, like it was after Mosley."
She's scared too but tries to hide it underneath strength and reassuring words, because she's the one Tommy confides to when there's no one else, when there's no fight or booze or sex or fucking Gipsy magic to ease his demons. And she's there, his sister, always there.