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Leaving the unit was a lot.
Charlie tried to reason with himself… it had been a lot arriving at the unit too. Eight weeks ago Charlie had arrived; at the time he had known, objectively, that you don't get admitted to a psychiatric unit without good reason. It had, however taken him a while to realise how many good reasons there were.
He had started out feeling nothing. A pale numbness, a strong desire to simply disappear, to not be perceived. His guilt at what he had done and how Tori and Nick might have been affected, and subsequently, his parents, and Olly had felt like a spectre, haunting him. He had hated himself for hurting the people he loved, even if at the time he did not understand why they cared so much. The desire to maintain control over anything he could, waged war inside him, at odds with his faint, buried sense of certainty, that he needed to give up that control.
The hope that he could be himself again, instead of what the voices inside his brain told him he had become. The raging, angry, disgusting imposter syndrome. A deep shame that he thought that he still had the right to be Charlie after what he had done, had a solid grip on him at first.
He loved his family. His mum, Jane; dad Julio; siblings, Tori and Olly. He thought that they must hate him.
Jane's desire to simultaneously save face and protect her children at times bordered on excessive. It felt, to Charlie, that she didn't think he was able to, or should, make a choice without it going through her, otherwise it would be found wanting. There was always a feeling of either never quite being 'enough', or 'too much' around his mum. He knew full well that his siblings felt the same about her, but their different resiliences and personalities meant they dealt with it differently.
Charlie adored both his siblings. His guilt over how he had potentially traumatised them both, especially Tori, was a heavy burden. He also wondered how she felt about carrying the emotional load at home in terms of Olly and Jane. He desperately wanted to talk to her. Family visits on a ward, though, were not the ideal time for that conversation, with Jane unwittingly leaning into the brittle emotions of all present.
Tori, his older sister, had a stubborn silence and strength within her that allowed her to deflect Jane's opinions without her conscience being visibly pricked. She prided herself on never letting Jane know how bothered she was by her disapproval. Tori preferred to direct her feelings into her blog and trying to get Charlie to give fewer fucks about how his mother and other people felt about him.
"Never let people see how much they affect you Charlie. It drives them mad, and then they get bored of trying" she said with a smirk.
"Oops. Probably shouldn't say 'mad' in here though" she deadpanned, Charlie responding with a silent smile, one which actually reached his eyes. Tori knew Charlie was good enough and always had been. She hated that he was not able to see that himself.
Tori never failed to turn up for family visits. Clearly unsettled by the ward environment, the noise, the lights, the constant interruptions from staff and other residents… the overall sensory overload; but she was never cold towards Charlie. Holding his hand under the table. Rolling her eyes through any difficult conversations initiated by Jane about that night. She had also made a firm decision, apparently, that Nick was 'good people' and made a point of visibly and unashamedly passing on messages, telling Charlie about her conversations with him. Jane and Julio's overprotective tendencies and desire to shield Charlie from any potential 'teenage romantic dramas' could not be justified, even to themselves, as a result of Tori becoming 'Team Nick'.
Oliver was the youngest by a few years. A 'surprise' addition to the family but not unwelcome or unwanted. Jane had enjoyed his babyhood and he had benefited from the emotional cushioning provided by his older siblings. The age gap also meant that his siblings were trusted to look after him more and so were able to counterbalance any negativity that crept into Olly's relationship with Jane. Olly had, subsequently, remained an irrepressible, young, fun and curious presence. Charlie wondered if being the youngest came with it's own load to bear, especially with his and Tori's issues. He hoped desperately that this wasn't the case. He hated the idea of his six year old, made of joy, brother, forcing himself to be cheerful to keep the family afloat.
Julio had played his usual part. Quietly refereeing. Stepping in when even he realised Jane was hindering more than helping. He also proved himself to be an unexpected supporter of Nick. He had offered quiet but firm reassurance of their relationship to Jane. Where she had presented reasons not to trust Nick, Julio had given irrefutable proof that his behaviour had only shown his motives to be true.
Despite all of the turmoil that seemed to centre around his mum, Charlie could not bring himself to think of her as his enemy.
Jane had anxiety. So did Charlie.
Jane bore the weight of parental expectation. So did Charlie.
Jane was protective over people she loved. So was Charlie.
He sometimes thought that they might be the same book written in a different font. A different generation of pain woven through each.
Charlies thoughts moved in the direction of 'His' Nick and Sarah.
Before Nick, there had been Ben though. Ben was part of Charlie's story. He was also part of Nick and Charlie's story.
Ben who found Charlie at his weakest, and gave him just enough self esteem to go along with Bens wishes; but not quite enough that Ben would admit what they were. Not even to himself.
Ben had somehow twisted the event of Charlie’s being outed at school, and the certain knowledge that Charlie would never subject anyone else to that ordeal, into just another form of self hate and shame. Charlie now realised that the shame he had borne alone was misplaced.
He shuddered to think of the other people Ben might hurt. He once again thanked his lucky stars that Nick had interrupted them that day after Rugby practice.
He had never felt he could tell his own family about that day. Jane had been so worried about him being outed at school, the tale would have validated her concerns. Charlie knew she would have picked the incident apart forensically and found a way that he should have behaved differently. Charlie realised that maybe this would have been some twisted form of trying to protect him, from his mums perspective… but, no. Charlie was not prepared to be blamed for Ben sexually assaulting him. Even in his darkest times.
Whilst Charlie had recognised that Jane's behaviour stemmed from her own upbringing, and was likely to always cast a shadow over their relationship, Sarah was different. Sarah saw Charlie as a source of joy for her son and as a result had welcomed him without reserve. She had once told Charlie after a couple of glasses of wine, whilst she and the two boys were watching 'Mama Mia' that she was glad he and Nick were together because "Nick is so much more himself around you". Nick had blushed and responded "Muuuum… you're making me sound like such a simp". But he had smiled, his gorgeous Nick smile, and stroked his thumb across the back of Charlie's hand that he was already holding, and Charlie had giggled, once again wanting to pinch himself; because surely this couldn't really be true? Was he really sitting here with this beautiful boy and his mum, just 'being'?
Sarah had accommodated his anxiety and eating issues with no judgement. Charlie felt like he had thrown that back in her face and he cringed internally every time he thought about it.
He had expected Nick to gently and diplomatically phase out of his life. If he was honest he had expected that Nick's mum would want him out of her sons life. Had he and Nick been in the opposite situation he knew, with uncomfortable certainty, that Jane would have wanted Charlie to have left Nick behind; a teenage memory, the boy no-one could help. He felt sick thinking about what Sarah might think of him.
Charlie had however been surprised, that Nick had not, in fact, faded out of his life. He had remained a steady supportive quiet presence. Never missing a phone call or a chance to visit. Sending gifts, letters, cards. Reliable but never dull. The butterflies that anorexia and low self esteem had starved, slowly reappeared and Charlie began to allow himself hope that Nick still wanted him.
Nick had never stopped offering a regular, steady, and calm presence at the visits, at least weekly. Charlie had desperately wanted to apologise to Nick. To tell him that he hoped he and Sarah did not hate him as much as he hated himself. They spoke on the phone after a while, when Charlie was deemed able to cope with that by the staff. Nick had repeatedly, calmly reassured Charlie that he was still not allowed to say "the s-word". He had refused to hear apologies.
It was not complicated to Nick.
"If I broke a leg playing Rugby you wouldn't blame me for falling over… you'd support me through getting better 'til I was well enough to play again… I know that makes it sound so… simple. But Char, I meant it when I said I love you. I am just so happy you are getting help. And that is simple to me".
Charlie had only been able to choke out a strangled "Thank you". He hoped that Nick knew he loved him. He hoped he would get to prove it.
Nick had told Charlie about the times Julio had dropped Nick home after visits and had taken time to try to forge tiny but significant bonds with his son's boyfriend. He had thanked Nick for getting Charlie help so fast, and praised him for spotting Charlies food struggles so quickly where he and Jane had been oblivious. There had even been times he had stayed for tea and a biscuit with Nick and Sarah and had praised Nick's actions towards Charlie. Nick had even jokingly challenged him to a Mario Kart playoff with himself, Charlie and Olly. Julio had replied with mock sadness that they didn't have enough controls. Charlie enjoyed the thought of his dad and Nick having those times and conversations. He relished the idea of his quiet, bookish, reserved father attempting to play Mario Kart. "You might finally actually win against a Spring" he had said, hearing the light hearted indignation as Nick replied "How DARE you".
Charlie began to realise, slowly, with the support and care of his family, which, in his mind, now included Nick and Sarah, that he was worth space and time. He allowed himself to engage with his treatment and started practicing the tools and coping strategies his therapist Geoff developed with him. He allowed himself to take up space. He allowed himself to believe he might get better.
Eventually he started to believe he deserved to get better. He started to realise that as much as Nick meant to him, he had to be able to create his own happiness. He recognised his own power and how that had been eroded over the last couple of years by being outed, bullied and treated as less than worthy by Ben. He realised that Ben's issues were not his. He also started the process of actively stopping blaming himself for those events. Being outed had been horrendous, a massive invasion of privacy, a removal of power and choice. A theft of joy.
Coming out should be a celebration. Letting people you trust know about an integral part of you that makes you who you are and being accepted and celebrated. That joy had been taken without his consent. Charlie eventually realised that the subsequent bullying he had experienced was down to the perpetrators and not him. Charlie had been so terrified after the bullying that he thought no one would ever want him. Ben had seen an opportunity to exploit Charlie's insecurities whilst maintaining shame and secrecy.
Nick refused to hide in the shadows. This simple truth, once Nick had had the time and space to figure out his sexuality, was something that gave Charlie back some joy, some autonomy. He would never give that up again.
Slowly, Charlie was able to recognise the factors within his own mind, the generational issues of his mum, dynamics within the family unit, and the problems (Geoff called them Trauma; Charlie was trying to come to terms with that word) he had experienced. He started to work on recognising the truths, from the non-truths his brain wanted him to believe. He started to develop ways to think differently, to see himself as he was seen by others. He started to work out what was prepared to accept from other people and that it was ok to expect other people to accept his boundaries rather than just to go with the flow.
Charlie started to feel like Charlie again. He saw that his eating disorder was a symptom of the things he had been through, a way if regaining control, that he had, in fact, lost control over. He started to recognise that he deserved help. He started to see why people cared. He started to feel loveable. He started to feel love.
Nick had not been for the final visit. The 'discharge planning' visit. He had excused himself telling the family that he had a dental appointment, later confiding in Charlie that he felt he should stay away just for this one;
"Bad Jane vibes. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be involved Char. I just want that last visit to be comfortable for you".
Charlie was silent momentarily. Overwhelmed that Nick could see through them all like this, and how easily he was able to put Charlie first when it mattered.
"I can't want to see you. I miss you".
"Char… I visit every week" Nick laughed.
"You know what I mean Nick. I miss just us two".
"It won't be long now my darling".
"Darling! Were doing Darling now are we? You're such a dork"
"You know it Char… I'm your dork though"
"I love you, you big idiot"
"Love you too, Nerdychops"
Charlie had said that he didn't need everyone to turn up to take him home. He just wanted a quiet journey so it didn't feel too much. Fewer expectations in the car would make it easier. Geoff had praised him for expressing his needs so well, effectively silencing Jane's protests.
It was agreed that Julio would collect him. Julio muttered something onto Charlies ear discreetly and Charlie smiled, and hoped.
The rest of the visit involved talking Charlie and his family through meal planning, relapse signs, supporting Charlie at home, future therapy planning. All standard care, the psychiatrist said. Standard in their world maybe. Charlie still felt that this was somewhat surreal at times but he snapped himself out of that thought.
"I deserve this".
And so a few days later on Saturday morning, as planned, Charlie packed and waited for Julio. Julio rang the unit bell at 10am sharp and was let in by the staff. Charlie and Julio thanked them all and said goodbye to the other residents. Julio picked up Charlie's luggage. Then, with a final deep breath they stepped out to find the car.
"I managed to pull it off, in case you were wondering… Sarah was my partner in crime. Not a word to your mum though Charlie".
Charlie looked at his dad, then to the family car. A familiar bulk and auburn haired, smiling face stood at the passenger side.
"Nick" Charlie stated.
Julio put the bags in the car, allowing them some privacy to smile at each other, and kiss, and embrace. They sat hand in hand in the back seat. Charlie played songs over the car radio. Everything felt calm.
"Do you two want to take Nellie for a walk before lunch?" Julio asked "I'll drop you off and you can take her out for an hour or so together, then maybe if you want to join us for lunch at one, Nick?"
"Absolutely!" Both boys had smiled at him in the rear view mirror.
Half an hour later they were in the park, hand in hand, throwing the ball for Nellie over and over, walking past the old fallen tree trunk they had once almost kissed next to.
"What a beautiful day" Charlie said.