Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hajime sees the blood before he hears the gunshot— If this were a movie, the scene would be in slow motion. The gunshot would surprise the audience, blaring louder than anything else and echoing as all other sound fades before the camera focuses on where the bullet hit. The blood would come next, gushing from a wound that is located somewhere vital; the chest, the head, the neck. 

By that point, the shaky hands will come on screen to cover the wound before the camera shows the shocked expression of the victim. Or maybe there are no hands, just a quick transition to wide eyes and an open mouth. Blood will slowly leak from the mouth or nose or the victim will cough blood and then eventually collapse. 

Soon after the other characters would react and the scene would slowly resume to its regular speed while a sad song begins to play or the voices of the characters surrounding the victim are transitioned in, turning the perspective of the scene to that of the victim. It won’t be long until things get blurry and the screen goes dark with the implication of eyelids closing. The victim is then dead.

But this isn’t a movie. 

Hajime first sees the blood splutter out and he doesn’t believe it but at the same time he does because fear overcomes him. It freezes his veins, steals the oxygen from his lungs, twists his stomach into a knot, and then rips apart his heart. But there is something in him screaming in denial. Something in him is confused because it doesn’t make sense. 

When he hears the gunshot, it feels like it comes from a distant memory. Like an echo. Like something his mind made up to make sense of what his eyes see. All at once, it feels like reality is morphing around him and no matter how clear his vision is, his mind can’t accept the image ahead of him.

Even as his body moves, legs almost giving out before they support his sprint to the falling figure, Hajime can’t accept it. No, no, no, his mind repeats over and over again. It doesn’t make sense. This isn’t supposed to happen. It doesn’t make sense.

More gunshots echo in the background, cries of pain and anger mixing in to create a tune that is loud enough to silence Hajime’s thoughts by the time he is falling on his knees, hands already stretched out to grab, to cover, to touch,

To check for a pulse.

“Please no. No, no, no—”

“Hajime,” he hears back and it feels like a hand has curled around his heart. Then his mind starts to dissect the tone, the stutter, the pain, and Hajime is once again reminded that this isn’t a movie.

This is life. This is the moment Hajime is going to lose Atsumu. 

-o-

Then

“I thought we agreed to no more interns,” Hajime says the moment Koushi strolls into the room with two guys trailing behind him. “You also have to stop bringing down unauthorized individuals. I don’t have NDAs just laying around.”

“You agreed to no more interns, there was no official form made. And if there was, I would never sign it.” Koushi counters without missing a beat. “And you do have NDAs laying around because you follow protocol, unlike everyone else in this godforsaken organization.”

“Jeez Suga, are ya allowed to say that? Don’t they have cameras everywhere?”

“Sugawara toldja to keep yer mouth shut less than thirty seconds ago, can’t ya do anything right?”

“What are you, my ma?”

“Yer such a fuckin’ idiot—”

“This is Miya Osamu and Miya Atsumu,” Koushi speaks up, interrupting the conversation between the two individuals he just introduced. It silences them, though it does little to put them in order. Hajime is surprised since Koushi is the embodiment of respect and authority, and it’s rare seeing him deal with insubordination. Yet here stand two men, brothers (twins), slouched and showing minimum interest in this ordeal; unafraid and unbothered. “The new cadets,” Koushi continues and Hajime stands from his seat. “Your new cadets.”

“I didn’t ask for new cadets.” Hajime’s eyebrows furrow showing just how much this news annoys him while he studies the two brothers from head to toe, aware of how they both try to stay still, even though they initially shifted around when Hajime stood up.

“And I didn’t ask for the fifty-two hours surveillance assignment,” Koushi remarks. “Yet here we are.”

Hajime stares at him, his jaw clasped as he tries to ignore the snort coming from one of the twins. “Something tells me you did.”

Koushi doesn’t let his face betray him. “They’ve been under Daichi for three months already, so the word cadet is probably not the best term to use here.” He explains. “I know it doesn’t look like it but they are cleared to be on the field.”

“Hey!”

“Their profiles have any information you might need. I added the results to both their physical and written exams since, again, you actually follow protocol, but if you want a detailed description of what they can and can’t do,” Koushi shrugs, “you’re going to have to test them yourself.”

“I thought we were done with all those tests—”

“Atsumu,” Koushi calls, cutting off the twin with the blond hair, “Osamu,” he then says and the one with the grey hair lifts his head a little. Hajime makes a note to remember the hair colour to figure out who is who. “This is Iwaizumi Hajime, your new captain.”

Two pairs of eyes land on him and Hajime meets their gaze with just as much intensity. 

“Yo.”

“Hello.”

“Cadets with field clearance,” Hajime says as a form of introduction. Koushi’s lip curls into a smirk, which only means he is hiding his laughter. For his own sanity, Hajime decides to let that pass. The problem, at the moment, lies elsewhere. “I’m going to assume that doesn’t translate to field experience.”

Atsumu and Osamu frown and look away and Hajime has half a mind to scold them but he has enough mothering his current team to do so, especially considering it’s going to become a trend and then a joke at his expense. 

“You take the most assignments out of all the squads, they’ll have plenty of experience in no time.”

“Do I even have a say?”

Koushi laughs. “What do you think?”

Hajime thinks that there is a big problem with the power structure of their organization. He thinks that more people should listen to him. He thinks that cadet sounds like another word for an intern. He thinks that the pay is not even that good. He thinks maybe Shinsuke, their leader, is missing a few screws for handing Hajime two more lives to control.

But what does it matter what he thinks? Hajime isn’t paid to do that. He is paid to obey orders and to lead a squad under the iron fists of their organization, which is exactly what he does.

Atsumu and Osamu are a good fit for his squad, he comes to that conclusion two months after they join. Koushi wasn’t joking when he said cadets would fall short in describing them. By their eyes alone, they could pass as veterans. 

But they are young. A year younger than Hajime. They are also new to the tunnels, but Hajime is there on their first trip to the edge of the city so he sees how little that affects them. They don’t cower under the tainted. They don’t hesitate against the mutations. They don’t flinch at the death and destruction that surrounds them. 

Their file says they joined the academy two years ago after an altercation with surveillance officers. There is a short report from the officers and the courthouse. Hajime skims through both before reading the brothers’ official statement. 

He heard rumours of civilians getting brave in areas poorly protected. Areas from the countryside, where most of the tainted roamed the land. Due to low sightings of the mutated beings, organizations never paid those areas attention. Not when the tunnels always opened up near the bigger cities.

Which is why civilians from those areas often tried playing the hero. The government announced a few years ago that such reckless behaviour would be punished with imprisonment. It’s clear that the twins were too valuable to incarcerate. 

If that’s not proof enough, then finishing the academy in just a little over a year seals the deal. The Miya twins are skilled, strong, and right where they belong. After all, everyone else in this organization shares similar stats. Everyone else carries the same fire that burns behind the twins’ eyes.

It saddens Hajime a bit, to see two new individuals caught up in this mess. But he is thankful in the end. It’s reassuring having the twins in the squad. Hajime works best around people he trusts.

Osamu is the added support they needed with extractions. He is calm, patient, and diligent. He plans routes with ease, his eyes studying every inch of each tunnel they enter. His dialect is just as heavy as his brothers but when he is focused on a task; when he is communicating with their support team, Osamu pronounces each word with diction, never repeating himself. That earns the respect of everyone within the organization.

Atsumu on the other hand doesn’t bother earning the respect of anyone outside the people he respects. Hajime figures that out by watching him. Atsumu doesn’t shy away from interactions, he easily throws himself in the middle of a room and expects all eyes on him. It’s how he manages to fit right in, and probably why Koushi thought to hand him over to Hajime. 

It’s not that his skill isn’t an asset to the squad, it’s just that while Osamu is a strategic asset, Atsumu is kin. He goes hand in hand with personalities like Tooru, Hajime’s vice-captain and best friend. Atsumu grows alongside Issei and Takahiro with his mindset and outlook on things, keeping up with their pace without breaking a sweat. He even inspires Kunimi and Kindaichi, easily becoming another leader figure who the two youngest can lean on for support.

Atsumu falls right into place under Hajime’s command. He keeps his head high and exudes confidence. He doesn’t falter and he never lets himself fall behind. He has something to prove, that much is obvious after just a few weeks of studying him, and though Hajime doesn’t know what and to who, he knows that it’s something he admires in him. 

Atsumu respects Hajime, he respects his squad, he respects other captains and soldiers. But that’s it. He holds nothing but scorns and indifference for the suits, the technical team, the media, and the grunt workers of their organization. He doesn’t bother with formalities and he cares even less about appearances. 

Hajime was once like that. He remembers a time when suiting up for missions and putting in the effort of his training was the only thing that kept him loyal to this organization. He remembers walking around these halls and ignoring the murmurs and glares coming from anyone that has never stepped inside a tunnel. 

He remembers ignoring the words of his captain because he just couldn’t understand why Hajime was supposed to give a fuck about those that saw him as nothing other than a number. 

“Those from the tunnels; the tainted, the mutations, they aren’t our only enemies.” Ushijima had once told him and Tooru. It was late in the night, and Hajime’s body hurt after spending hours cleaning the training grounds with his friend as ordered by the board. “Once you understand that, you will change your attitude.”

Tooru had predictably picked a fight with Ushijima, dismissing his words in favour of throwing a targeted insult that shifted the conversation into something personal, something Hajime hadn’t bothered staying back for. 

He thought about those words a lot for the rest of the week and then decided to dismiss them when another squad was announced M.I.A and Hajime had to prepare for another raid. Then the weeks passed, then the year ended, and then Ushijima left and Hajime could do nothing else but wrap those words around him as he stepped up and became captain of the squad.

He doesn’t tell Atsumu the same words. He lets him ridicule the media; he lets him give any man wearing a suit a cold shoulder; he lets him spit at the feet of power-hungry investors. The paperwork and complaints he gets don’t matter. They never have.

Not when every mission is completed without failure. His squad is handling more and more assignments. The media is covering every raid, keeping their negative opinions and thoughts to themselves in favour of sharing with the world the advances they are making for humanity. Their organization continues to grow while the investors multiply. 

The twins are a good fit. 

Except there is one problem. 

A part of him wanted to ignore the voice in his head that began murmuring warnings from the day he introduced the twins to his squad, but a greater part of him eventually cornered Hajime with solid proof he couldn’t go on ignoring. 

It’s been six months and Hajime has run out of excuses. 

Individually, the twins fit into the squad without a problem. When put together, they waver. 

It’s not a flaw to care for someone, to work hand in hand with someone you love. It’s not uncommon to cherish the life of your comrade over your own. Depending on each other, caring for each other, always keeping a watchful eye locked on each other— none of that is punishable. 

But sometimes unity comes with shackles. Sometimes comfort can be dangerous. 

“They are not going to like it,” Tooru warns him. “I don’t even like it.”

He is right of course. They don't take it well.

“A transfer?” Osamu echoes lost, his eyes wide and focused on the paperwork Hajime offers him. He takes it and stares.

When he lifts his gaze to meet Hajime’s eyes, his frustration is not concealed. Osamu grits his teeth and tucks the paperwork to his side. He keeps his head lifted while his body tenses with the way he tries to control the physical reactions of his body.

Hajime explains how it’s going to work; he tells Osamu why the decision was made; he even takes a moment to reassure him this isn’t some sort of punishment while Osamu stands still and lets his face express his true feelings. 

When he talks, it’s to thank Hajime for the time he spent under his leadership. He accepts the transfer without letting any of his anger out. He even leaves Hajime’s office with his head held high.

Atsumu, on the other hand, wastes no time in letting his feelings known about Osamu’s transfer. He comes storming inside Hajime’s office hours after Osamu signed the paperwork. His face is red, his expression screaming danger. Every step he takes is precise, weighted down by the overwhelming energy he showcases whenever there is a matter concerning his brother. 

Atsumu slams his hands against Hajime’s desk and demands an explanation. He is shaking with anger, the snarl behind every word emphasizing how furious he feels. Beyond that, Hajime can see the signs of hurt leak through the blaze in his eyes, the pull of his muscles, and the curl of his fists. Hajime knows then that no verbal answer will be good enough. 

Arguably, letting his fists talk is not the better solution. But Hajime has always believed in expressing oneself, in offering equal grounds, in tearing out emotions when the mind is clouded and the world feels unfair. Hajime has always believed in the power of a good brawl. 

Atsumu seeks out blood and the only comfort Hajime can offer is the arms he raises in defence. Atsumu doesn’t hold back and Hajime admires that about him

“Do you understand?” Hajime asks when Atsumu lays defeated on the ground because no matter how skilled he is, Hajime has years of experience over him.

“No,” Atsumu replies, voice coming out raspy.

“Change is inevitable,” Hajime says, attempting to put into words the reassurance Atsumu needs. By the snort that comes from Atsumu, he assumes he failed. He is not good at this, he can admit that. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try. “Trust me.” Hajime states, though, Atsumu can probably hear the words for the plea they are. 

Atsumu breathes in and out and then he looks at Hajime, his expression clouded but somehow still expressing the loyalty Hajime was seeking. “I do.”

Hajime remembers that day so clearly. He remembers the sweat dripping from his face and the way his hair kept sticking to his face. He remembers the heat that surrounded him; the smell of the room; the sound of heavy breathing coming from the two of them. He remembers the feeling of sore muscles and the sting coming from the bruises slowly forming across his body.

More importantly, he remembers how Atsumu’s voice had ripped a bandage from his eyes. He remembers how his words had clawed at his heart while the look he shot him stole the oxygen from his lungs.

Nothing more, Hajime remembers thinking, and nothing less. 

Just trust.

(It starts then, his foolish desire for more.)

-o-

Now 20:34

The mutations won’t stop coming. They are everywhere. Hajime can hear Tooru shouting orders as he goes deeper and deeper towards the arc of the tunnel. Hajime can also hear the sounds of a horde of tainted moving to circle them, to block the way they came from. He can hear the weird language they speak and he can hear the animalistic sounds they make as his squad takes them down, one by one.

He hears everything but all he can see is Atsumu. 

Hajime’s hands tremble while he keeps Atsumu close, his wound now covered by Hajime’s sleeve that he tore from his shirt. He is breathing heavily, his eyes fighting to stay focused as Hajime works fast in stopping the bleeding. 

“We don’t have enough time!” Rintarou is next to him, shouting into his earpiece as he keeps Atsumu’s head on his lap. “The mutation have blocked the entrance— there is more than what was originally accounted for. Clear the area above our location and proceed with the rescue!” 

Hajime sees Atsumu’s eyes flutter open as Rintaoru’s voice gets louder. His eyes flicker towards him and Rintarou chokes but continues to shout instructions to his earpiece after holding Atsumu’s gaze for no more than a few seconds. 

Atsumu’s eyelashes close and open slowly before Hajime manages to draw his attention. “Hajime,” he says and Hajime feels his world stop once again. He feels Rintarou’s eyes on him but all Hajime can do is focus on Atsumu.

“Hajime,” Hajime hears again, weaker. He is watching in horror as the energy drains from him.

His forehead is covered in sweat. His hair is sticking to his skin. He is pale, his lips are dry with blood. Hajime’s heart presses against his chest. 

Please be okay. Please be okay. Atsumu, please. 

“Oikawa!” Rintarou suddenly shouts, rising from where he is sitting to meet Oikawa’s eyes from the distance.

“We are getting out!” Tooru’s voice rings out. “Makki, clear the area. Kunimi, Kindaichi, find cover under the arc. Mattsun, keep your eyes on the back— we are getting out!”

“Five minutes!” Rintarou yells to add to Oikawa’s commands. “Another team was deployed. Two vessels coming for extraction!”

“Keep your position and we move together!” The sound of the mutations isn’t overpowering. With each gunshot, Hajime hears the noise dims even more. “Hajime!”

“Hajime,” Atsumu whispers again but somehow it’s louder than Tooru’s shout. Hajime puts both his hands on either side of Atsumu’s face to meet his eyes for just a moment. 

“We are going to get you out,” he says, seeking that light in Atsumu’s eyes. “You’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Hajime!” Tooru shouts again.

“I promise. Atsumu I’ll get you out. It’s going to be okay.”

“Three minutes!” Rintarou calls out.

“Trust me. Please.” Hajime chokes back a cry, “Atsumu, please.”

“Captain Iwaizumi!”

Hajime turns to face Tooru out of instinct. For a moment, he resents his friend. Resents that he forced Hajime to look away from the only person occupying his thoughts. But that resentment fades away quickly once his mind wraps around the state of his surroundings and Hajime remembers where they are, who he is, and what must be done. 

On my mark, Tooru’s eyes say once he notices he has Hajime’s full attention. Hajime chokes back a cry, his head nodding quickly as he prepares to take Atsumu in his arms.

I promise. Atsumu. He feels light and weak. You’re going to be okay. 

-o-

Then

Tooru figures it out before Hajime, which isn’t all that surprising. Tooru has always had a way about these things. He has always been skilled in reading people; in studying a room and drawing conclusions through observation alone.

That doesn’t mean Hajime expected him to bring it up before Hajime could find the courage to even voice it himself. 

“You like him.” It’s not even a question. It’s also something said without judgment. 

It’s telling enough that Hajime doesn’t need to ask who Tooru is talking about. The moment he hears those words Hajime is already picturing him; he sees the blonde hair, the hooded eyes, the lazy smirk— in his head, Hajime always pictures Atsumu standing far away. Far away and out of reach even though Hajime’s eyes can pick up everything about him. 

Hajime knows; has known he likes Atsumu. He just never got to confronting himself about it. He has never said it out loud. He hasn’t even stopped to think about what would happen if he finally put a name to the feelings that surge through him when Atsumu crosses his mind.

Yet here is his best friend forcing him to face those feelings without a care in the world.

“Did you finish the report?“ Hajime asks because he can’t deny what Tooru said and yet he still can’t admit it.

“Yes,” Tooru replies because he knows better than to let Hajime deter the conversation. “You like him.”

Hajime hears the words again and feels something twist inside his stomach. “We need to go over the supply list.”

“We can do that tomorrow.” Tooru dismisses. “Hajime,” he then starts and Hajime holds his breath waiting for the words he knows are coming. “I know you know. I know it scares you.”

“Oikawa,” Hajime warns because fear isn’t something Hajime wants anywhere near this conversation. 

“But it’s not wrong.” Tooru continues, stepping forward to place a hand on Hajime’s shoulder. “It’s okay to have feelings, you know?”

“Tooru.” This comes out more like a plea, Hajime knows. He also knows his resolve is quickly fading.

“It’s okay to live outside of this shit war.” Tooru continues unfazed. If Hajime could meet his eyes he could probably catch a sign of discomfort or maybe the easy tells of tension. “You’re allowed to want someone.”

War. Is this about the war? Has Hajime been ignoring his feelings with that in mind? “I don’t need—”

“No, you don’t.” Tooru agrees, cutting him off. “That doesn’t mean you don’t want to. It doesn’t mean you don’t want him.”

It feels like those words are the final nail to his coffin. They carry a sense of finality alongside a wave of cold truth that slaps Hajime across the face. On instinct, he wants to deny Tooru’s words. He wants to utter an objection and then bolt from this conversation. But even as he opens his mouth, he can’t seem to find a single word to speak. 

His body feels frozen and for a second he even thinks reality might be shifting. The floor he stands on no longer feels sturdy, the papers he holds feel light like a feather— even Tooru’s presence feels hollow. He might as well just disappear from in front of him because Hajime can’t sense anything but the air that’s getting thicker as he continues to inhale it.

In the back of his head, he feels silly for the way he is reacting. It's immature and uncharacteristic of him. Avoiding his friend’s eyes, attempting to dismiss the conversation with irrelevant inquiries, shutting down completely and standing in silence when he knows that the most that is being asked of him is a little honesty for himself.

Tooru is never one to corner someone for personal needs. He is intuitive and can easily understand those around him. Tooru is one of those people that can know you more than you know yourself, but he doesn’t make it a habit to throw that in your face. He is silent about his knowledge most of the time. Though that can simply be because Tooru works better with actions than with words.

With Hajime however, actions are useless. They will go right over his head whether it be subconsciously or deliberately.

“You should tell him.” Tooru’s words come out like a silent demand. Hajime finally gathers the courage to lift his head.

Tooru’s eyes are calculated. He is taller than Hajime but something about the way he is standing makes Hajime feel smaller than he usually would. It’s like he is suddenly looking down on him from a platform Hajime is too much of a coward to step on. 

“It’s not that simple.” The words are out of his mouth before he can even process them. It’s not an admission but Hajime feels the weight of the confession nonetheless. 

It’s Tooru’s eyes that are picking at his reaction with focus but Hajime can almost picture Atsumu standing in his place, eyes ablaze, opened and searching with intent. Atsumu would put his weight on one leg, hip tilted while he crosses his arms over his chest. He would be boring holes into Hajime after clicking his tongue in response.

Tooru doesn’t show much other than a flicker of irritation. “Oh?” He hums. Something dangerous is dancing in his eyes. “Surely you’ve noticed the way he looks at you. How he is around you. You make him vulnerable. Honest. Open. So, what’s so complicated about it?”

It’s a trap, Hajime realizes while studying Tooru’s posture straightening out rigidly. It then takes him no less than a few seconds to realize his mistake of speaking without thought. The situation felt too familiar from the start and had Hajime been focusing on anything other than Atsumu maybe he would have been able to avoid this conversation for an entirely different reason. 

Maybe turning around Tooru’s words or choosing a more offensive defence would have kept him from falling right into this trap. 

“Tooru,” Hajime speaks fighting the tremble from his voice. “It’s not the same.”

It’s a weak argument. “Oh?” Tooru remarks, “Is it not?” He takes a step forward and Hajime forces his feet to stay planted on the ground. “Here you are, a captain, pining over a subordinate.” There is no malice in his voice but there is a hint of rage that Hajime knows isn’t directed at anyone but Tooru himself.

“That’s not what I meant,” Hajime says and instantly regrets it.

“What’s different?” Tooru asks, his eyes cold as they stay glued to Hajime’s face. “The feelings?”

Yes. Hajime wants to say but it wouldn’t be true. Nor fair. “We are different people.” Hajime makes a last attempt at a defence and Tooru’s glare is enough to tell him it failed like the others. 

“Funny,” Tooru starts after a second of silence, “I don’t think we are.”

Hajime takes a step back finally, and then another, and then he turns and goes to sit on his chair. His legs feel stiff as they press against the floor, even more so when Hajime adds pressure to them by leaning over, his elbows resting on his thighs while his head is kept hidden by his hands. He breathes, once, twice, and then he pushes the bit of hair covering his face back before one hand runs down his face to wipe out the exhaustion. 

“I didn’t mean to make this about me,” Tooru says after a few seconds. 

Hajime meets his eyes. “Don’t apologize.” He says because he can feel the apology resting on Tooru’s tongue. He sees it in his eyes— the desire to apologize even though he is not sorry.

“We are different.” Tooru then says. “Atsumu and I are very different, contrary to popular belief.” Hajime snorts at that, partly in amusement and partly because it’s the first time his name is said out loud. “And you are hardly anything like him.”

Hajime’s shoulder tense automatically because Tooru’s words are spoken with venom and little truth. He is surprised to make that observation. Even more surprised that Tooru managed to destroy his ‘we are different’ argument by agreeing with him. Though it’s frightening to see the similarities now— and weirdly enough, comforting.

He forces himself to relax and then he responds, speaking the words that leave his mouth with a light tone. “I still fall short, huh?” Tooru’s eyes narrow before he looks away. That type of reaction usually means he doesn’t deem the words worthy of a response. “In being a captain.” Hajime clarifies, a nostalgic smile making its way to his face. “I’m still too weak.”

“Weak?” Tooru scoffs. “You’ve always been just as strong as him.” He says the words with no room to argue before placing a hand over his chest and adding: “Here though, you’re both cold.”

“Tooru.” 

“Though at least,” Tooru says. “At least he found it simple.” Hajime flinches at those words and looks away only to let his gaze snap back to Tooru when he adds: “Both in telling me he loves me and in breaking my heart.”

Hajime hates Tooru’s brokenhearted look. He hates it more than that fake smile he splatters over his face daily. Hajime has known Tooru for nearly all of his life and he has had the misfortune of seeing that look five times too many. Each time, a part of Hajime breaks— though admitting that out loud wouldn’t be fair to the hundreds of pieces that lay broken in Tooru’s eyes.

Five times. Hajime always laments before his mind picks the two most memorable ones.

He first thinks of the day the world went to shit. They were only thirteen. Tooru had just turned thirteen. They were supposed to be celebrating his birthday on the weekend when… well, Hajime doesn’t know how it started, no one does. But he does know how eventually the creatures emerged from the ground to bring with them destruction that made itself normal in their day-to-day life. 

Tooru lost his entire family on a Saturday. A day after his birthday.

The world went to shit but Hajime had his parents, his grandparents, his cousins— he had everyone around him, taking care of him, protecting him, murmuring to his ear that everything will be okay, shhh, it will pass, it’s okay while Tooru, 

Tooru went home to find nothing but blood-coated walls and squandered limbs. 

Pain like that, Hajime has yet to experience himself. Even after years of fighting, years of being surrounded by death. Hajime followed Tooru into this world to watch over him and to maybe understand why that light in his eyes faded away but nothing ever comes close. He doesn’t think he will ever feel that. Not with his parents alive and miles away. Not with his extended family safely relocated to protected lands far from the war.

Secondly, Hajime thinks about an event that just happened a year ago. Out of the five times Tooru has completely fallen apart, excluding losing his family, losing Ushijima has by far left the biggest scar. One that Tooru hasn’t healed from. 

Tooru hasn’t expressed in detail the pain he feels but Hajime can see it clearly. Tooru will also never compare this pain to any other of his heartbreaks but Hajime is only human and this is his way of understanding. This is the only way he can find the strength to push forward alongside his friend. 

It might feel stupid to some, but to Hajime, being able to tell that Ushijima’s abandonment meant more to Tooru than the death of his family is a crucial piece of information. Especially because there is still time for Hajime to act.

“Would you do anything differently?” Hajime asks, Tooru’s last words now ringing louder than any other thought. “If you could go back in time.” Hajime clarifies when Tooru shoots him a questioning look. “Would you change anything? Would you rather not know.”

Tooru meets his eyes with surprise before the sadness that was seeping through the cracks of his gaze fades away with a blink. “Tell him, Hajime.”

It’s not that simple, Hajime still thinks even though a greater part of him wonders why Tooru wouldn’t want to save himself from heartbreak if given the chance.

-o-

Now 20:54

They clear the area at a surprising speed. 

Hajime follows every instruction both Rintarou and Tooru give, like the rest of his squad, and before they know it they are out of the tunnel. Almost instantly the light reflecting from the moon disappears and in place what shines over them are a hundred artificial lights. At least that’s what it feels like though realistic Hajime knows the brightest light is coming from the helicopter slowly descending from above them. 

Every other light comes from the media that stay put at a safe distance from the tunnel opening they just came out off. The lights flicker over and over again and Hajime turns his body to keep Atsumu away from any picture. It makes him sick just thinking about his state being broadcasted to the world. 

They are not supposed to know. None of them are allowed to see Atsumu like this.

“Hajime,” Tooru says into his ear, finally approaching him after making sure everyone made it out okay. Hajime turns to his friend and catches him looking down. Hajime self-consciously tightens his hold on Atsumu. 

Tooru looks up and Hajime tries to ignore the worry and fear his friend openly displays. “Sakusa is here. They cleared out the infected from the entrance point. It’s— it’s odd. We shouldn’t have been so easily surrounded.”

Hajime lets his mind absorb the information but he has no time to dissect it. He can hardly make sense of Tooru’s words with Atsumu now in an unconscious state. “There are also way too many cameras—Hajime, there is more to this.”

Hajime swallows, choking back on his response since he can’t find the right words to say back. Tooru must sense that because he presses a hand over his shoulder to reassure and calm him. Hajime accepts the touch and then focuses his attention back on Atsumu. 

He is so still. Hajime’s hands shake while he fights the desire to check his breathing. “Go with him,” Tooru says, drawing Hajime’s attention again. “To the hospital. Take him. Secure a room. Stay with him at all times.”

Hajime’s throat is dry as he nods along to Tooru’s words. He knows there is no way he will be leaving Atsumu any time soon but his responsibilities were looming The helicopter has finally descended. Hajime and Tooru both glance that way while the rest of Hajime’s squad positions themselves around them. Hajime notices then that people are moving towards them. “I’ll take care of everything here.” Tooru is saying and from behind him, Hajime sees Issei standing straight, eyes showing his support and reassurance. 

“Kita has been notified,” Rintarou speaks just as Hajime uses the strength he has left to lift Atsumu one more time. “He is heading to the hospital.”

Hajime nods and then moves towards the helicopter where two men are now pulling out a stretcher. He barely lets them help him, refusing to give them enough room to even touch Atsumu. Hajime doesn’t recognize the men but he knows they know well who he is so they do little to protest.

Once Atsumu is safely secured on the stretcher, Hajime lets them lift it back to the helicopter. He hears the commotion behind him and then hears the hundreds of questions being thrown at his squad. He hesitates for a second, his feet feeling glued to the ground as he debates between following his heart or staying behind to hide behind his responsibilities.

“Go,” Tooru commands and Hajime blinks surprised that he was still so close. He is standing firm, eyes focused on the chaos in front of them. There is sweat covering most of his face while blood that’s not his covers his uniform. “Go!”

Hajime hops on the helicopter and doesn’t look back.

-o-

Then

“I hate that prick,” Atsumu tells him moments after entering Hajime’s office and making himself comfortable on the chair. “I’ve met all the other captains, why the hell didja send Samu to him.”

“Sakusa is an admirable leader,” Hajime tells him. He keeps his attention focused on the paperwork on his desk while he tries to calm his beating heart.

“He is a prick,” Atsumu huffs. “With a stick up his ass.”

“What did he do this time?“ Hajime asks, knowing he will probably regret asking. Especially because he is fighting the urge to smile.

“He kicked me out of his trainin’ room.”

Hajime sighs and almost recoils at how fond he sounds. He takes a moment to breathe in and out before replying. “Considering you’re not supposed to be training there I would say he did the right thing.”

“You let Samu train with me sometimes.” 

“You guys do it behind my back, and shittykawa covers for you.”

“Still,” Atsumu insists. “Omi is a prick. Bokkun deserves so much better.” Hajime blinks at Atsumu who merely stays watching him as if what he just implied isn’t information he shouldn’t know. “What? It’s true.” Atsumu mutters defensively, his eyes now focused on Hajime in a way that tells him he is waiting for something in his reaction. 

“How do you know about that?” Hajime asks, eyebrow raised. He tries to not look too alarmed to keep the importance of what Atsumu just implied at a low. 

Atsumu frowns. “Wait,” He starts. “You know?” Hajime watches as Atsumu’s fake calm expression turns to surprise and he can only assume Atsumu ‘exposing’ Sakusa’s secret relationship had been Atsumu’s attempt to get back at Sakusa— how that makes sense is beyond him. “And ya didn’t tell me?”

Two years ago during a Christmas party Hajime remembers Tooru drunkenly rambling about Bokuto’s new partner. At that time Hajime had been too busy trying to figure out whether Tooru was hurt over the matter to pay much attention to who it was. Then a week later, when Shinsuke somehow managed to throw a party for New Year, Hajime makes the mistake of trying to find some privacy in a secluded area and in consequence finds out who the new partner is. 

He still doesn’t know what shocked him more. The fact that Bokuto—I would never use the training grounds for something other than training— Koutarou had been standing in the middle of said training grounds with his pants on the floor and his head looking up in ecstasy, or that Sakusa— I clean more than I train and this fucking organization has the filthiest floors— Kiyoomi had been kneeling in front of him, on said floor, choking with eagerness Hajime didn’t know he had in him. 

Shocking, yes, but overall it was truly traumatic. Even worse knowing that they definitely knew he had seen them and chose to not stop. 

Tooru laughed at him when he retold the story that same day. It was the first time Hajime truly believed he was finally over Bokuto. More so when Tooru asked him to keep that relationship a secret. Apparently, both Sakusa and Bokuto think people knowing would complicate things, whatever that means. 

It’s been two years and as far as Hajime knows, aside from him and Tooru, only Shinsuke and Daichi know. 

“It’s not something to be sharing. Not many people know.” Hajime settles on. “But out of everyone who knows I can’t see them telling you.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “Are you picking a fight with Sakusa? Do I even want to know? He is a captain, Atsumu.”

“‘M not scared of that prickly bastard.” Atsumu huffs. “And no one told me.” He adds. “Though I would have preferred that. There ain’t enough bleach to clear that image from my brain.” Atsumu pretends to shiver, his face turning to express his disgust. 

Hajime almost laughs. They seem to have the same luck. 

“So what? This is some big secret?” Atsumu scoffs before he raises his hand. “Not with the way they are hidin’ it. Every Friday. Training ground four. 10 pm.” He raises a finger with every fact listed. “They don’t even lock the doors.”

“What are you doing here on Fridays?” Hajime asks instead of entertaining that information though surely that would have been the expected thing to do. Somehow though, Hajime can only focus on the fact that Atsumu is here on Fridays. His only day off. 

Concern settles in Hajime’s gut faster than Atsumu turns his head to avoid his eyes. “Nothin’.”

“Atsumu.”

“I help Suga with research.” Atsumu lies, avoiding Hajime’s eyes. 

“Koushi would never work on a Friday.”

“Fine,” Atsumu sighs, his face still turned away. “I box.”

“You train,” Hajime corrects, his annoyance already leaking through his voice.

“It’s not like I have anythin’ better to do!” Atsumu defends, giving up on pretending he doesn’t know he is doing something wrong. 

“Rest is important.” 

Atsumu finally turns his face to meet Hajime’s eyes. “I do rest.”

“Your only rest day is Friday,” Hajime tells him, watching the way Atsumu’s jaw clenches. Hajime can feel himself getting more and more agitated and he is sure Atsumu is feeling the same way. But rest is important. This is something Hajime can’t let slide. “Don’t make me ban you.”

Atsumu’s eyes widen a smidge at that threat but he keeps his mouth clasped long enough to fight the words he planned on blurting without thought. He takes a few seconds to calm down before he finally speaks. “Fighting is all I know, this war is all I know. There is nothin’ for me so—” He stops abruptly, his eyes dropping to his lap for a moment before he looks up again. “Forget it.”

Hajime understands. He felt like this four years ago when their world changed overnight. Hajime remembers well the feeling of wanting to live but not knowing why. 

It’s probably why the words are out of his mouth before he can even think them through. “Come farming with me.”

Atsumu blinks at him. “Farming?”

Hajime hums, his heart suddenly drumming in his ears. He thinks he feels heat slowly travelling to his face and Hajime wants nothing more than the earth to open up and swallow him whole. 

A million thoughts about how Stupid his suggestion had been popped into his head, followed by a million reasons Atsumu won’t take him up on it. Why would he? 

“Every Friday I visit some farms and collect fresh produce for shelters.” Hajime says, “I could use a hand.”

Atsumu smiles, “‘Kay captain.”

-o-

Now 21:51

Hajime refuses to leave Atsumu’s side. 

The medical team that helped Atsumu out of the helicopter and guided him through the hospital hall dislike that fact but they can do very little considering Hajime’s rank. The two doctors assigned to the operation room have little to say about him hovering around but Hajime can understand their tensed shoulders for what they are. 

A part of his brain tries to analyze their movements. He tries to keep an open mind and to stay alert— to at least temporarily put aside his personal turmoil to do his job. He understands better than most what these hospitals stand for. He knows that the uniform everywhere here wears was paid for by the same men that put half the lives in this place.

He hates that he has to trust these men, he hates that he can do nothing but watch. It’s a bargain he hates playing. Worse so now that images from the night are playing in his head. His eyes can’t leave Atsumu but his mind is focused on replaying every moment that lead to Atsumu’s injury. 

He tries to think of when it went wrong, on how they ended up surrounded. He thinks and thinks but he can’t find a flaw in their actions. If anything, his mind simply supplies on ways that the night has been planned by… someone. His heart races with thoughts of betrayal and he tries to push them away but. 

But Hajime left Tooru to deal with several reporters and Hajime can’t stop thinking about how there are never that many. He can’t stop thinking about the different ways his gut churns when his mind pays attention to things out of his control. To things that other people, other powers, control.

Hajime bites his tongue and lets his hands curl into fists as he watches Atsumu and watches closely to what the doctors do. He can’t let anything slip past him. He can’t make the same mistake twice.

-o-

Then

“Now now,” Issei’s voice rings through the training room. “I’m sure the doctor’s orders were to not put pressure on the leg.”

“And that my friend,” Takahiro piques in. “Looks like pressure. Being put. On the leg.”

Hajime lifts his gaze from the paperwork he is going through to peek at the commotion. His eyes go straight to Atsumu first. He is standing in the middle of the training ground, hands messing around with some rope while his back faces the other two. 

Issei and Takahiro are leaning against the weapon rack. Their eyes are filled with humour but Hajime can see the bit of concern in their expressions. Understandably. Hajime is now also concerned as he turns back to Atsumu and lets his eyes fall on his casted leg. 

“Can y’all stop yer yappin’ and help me untie this damn crap?”

“It’s fun watching you struggle.” Tooru’s voice comes from the benches just outside the training ground. He is sitting slouched over while he peels an orange, not even looking Atsumu’s way despite his statement. 

“Har, har.” Atsumu taunts, getting more aggressive in his task.

“The less rest you give your leg, the longer it will take to heal,” Takahiro tells him as he steps forward to go help him. Issei agrees with him, saying something about lack of care leading to worse damage. Hajime doesn’t get to hear much of it since his ears are ringing as he continues to watch Atsumu blatantly ignore the doctor's order to do unnecessary tasks. 

He thinks about stepping up and ordering Atsumu to rest but he is very away that that’s something everyone else in the room is waiting on him to do and Hajime doesn’t want to go through that humiliation. 

He is not good at hiding his concern or faking disinterest. His voice is gonna be a dead giveaway of how bothered he feels by watching Atsumu overexert himself. Then Takahiro and Issei will most likely shoot him those annoying teasing looks before Tooru once again watches him with disappointment. 

So instead he clenched his hands and tries to focus on his paperwork as he keeps his ears strained on catching the conversation around him. 

Most of the time, Issei and Takahiro are the ones talking. Either they are bullying Atsumu or they are sharing some story in accordance with whatever moves or fighting Atsumu is practicing. 

Tooru occasionally pitches in his amusement and at one point he goes over to humour Atsumu after he requests Tooru tie him up to see if he can escape. Not that that skill would ever be necessary considering the damned or infected never take hostages. 

Regardless, Tooru takes a moment to ask Hajime for his input when he is done tying Atsumu up. “What do you say, Capt?” He hums, “nice and tight? 

“Maybe he can make it tighter?” Issei piques in. 

“Tighter?” Atsumu huffs, “barely fuckin breathing right now.”

“Take it easy,” Hajime says to all of them which allows him to keep his tone controlled. He then goes back to his paperwork to hide the expression on his face after seeing Atsumu all tied up. 

By the time Hajime is done with his paperwork, Atsumu is almost completely free from his bonds. Tooru is no longer around, having mumbled something about a vice-captain meeting. 

Takahiro is sprawled on the training grounds while Issei has gone back to cleaning the weapons on the rack. 

Hajime stays seated, pretending to work as he watches Atsumu attempt to break free from the last knot around his arms behind his back. 

He is sweating, Hajime can also see how his leg is probably causing him pain if that frown is anything to go by. He is usually more considerate when he is injured but Hajime knows Atsumu blames himself for the leg cast. He feels guilty; like he could have avoided it.

Hajime hates that he puts so much pressure on himself. He wishes he could reassure Atsumu but he is too much of a coward. In everything. 

It’s why he waits for Issei and Takahiro to leave before approaching him. “How’s your leg?” 

“S’fine.”

It’s not. Hajime can tell. He also knows that no matter what he says Atsumu is not going to show him weakness.

“Let me see.” Hajime orders.

Atsumu lets his leg stretch over while Hajime bends down to hold it. He unclasps the cast and lets Atsumu’s foot rest on his knee. He sees him wince and frowns while he tries to be more careful. 

Hajime studies the swollen bit. It’s just a sprain but there is an ugly scratch from the rock that he got caught on. Hajime is gentle in his touch. 

“You’ll be fine.” He states and lifts his gaze. Atsumu watches him with focused eyes, only nodding after a moment of just studying his face. 

Hajime puts his head back down and tries to ignore the fluttering in his heart. 

-o-

Now 01:23

Shinsuke walks into the room and Hajime feels like his eyes finally shift from Atsumu.

He is silent as he meets Hajime’s eyes but Hajime can see all the questions at the surface of his gaze. Without another prompt Hajime tells him what he knows. Shinsuke probably spoke to the doctor before coming but Hajime knows words hold higher meaning when they come from someone you trust. 

He listens and hums to Hajime’s retelling of events even though Hajime knows that the screen in front of him probably has enough clear footage for him to figure out what happened on his own. 

“Oikawa is dealing with the press,” Shinsuke tells him when Hajime’s mouth no longer has words left. “The news outlets are broadcasting his interview from the scene rigorously.”

Hajime feels the guilt in his gut churn. 

“Ushijima has made a statement against our organization.” Hajime’s head shoots up. Already? A part of Hajime knew this was going to happen he was just hoping he would be wrong. “They are broadcasting the footage over and over again. A small protest has started near the site.”

“How could he?” There is much more he wants to say about the situation, but at the moment with his mind occupied on Atsumu, Hajime can only guiltily question his actions with no intention of seeking for a solution. 

“I’m trying to get in contact with him,” Shinsuke says. “But I’ve been advised not to.”

Hajime can make a reasonable conclusion as to who wants Shinsuke to stay seated and away from the action, and by his tone, Shinsuke has probably made that same conclusion. It’s going to get messy, Hajime realizes, and not for the first time does he feel guilt surface at his current inadequacy. “I should—“

“I’m going to stay here,” Shinsuke interrupts him. “Kenma is looking over matters at HQ. Koushi is keeping control over all other matters.” He pauses, studying Hajime long enough before finally adding, “I can look after Atsumu for a while.”

Hajime needs to head back to the agency, he needs to make sure the rest of his squad is accounted for. He needs to relieve some weight from Tooru’s shoulders. He has been dismissing his responsibilities long enough. Shinsuke’s words are an easy reminder— and yet, they are also a comforting out. 

“I’ll be back in a few hours,” Hajime says, finding it hard to stand up, and even harder to keep his gaze away from Atsumu so he doesn’t lose his resolve. 

Shinsuke nods, stepping forward to occupy the seat Hajime has just left. In turn, Hajime walks towards the doors, fighting the urge to get closer to Atsumu, to hold his hand, to whisper encouragements, to look at him one last—

“Oikawa has been in this business long enough to know how to handle these situations,” Shinsuke speaks just as Hajime’s hand touches the doorknob. “But not everyone has that privilege.”

-o-

Then

“Sunarin is agile.” Atsumu declares, eyes gleaming with excitement. “His eyes can focus on targets with ease and he is capable of making quick assessments when it comes to his surroundings.”

Hajime grunts and flips another page of the file in his hand even though he hasn’t read a single word from the previous page. 

“He can keep a cool head during hard times,” Atsumu adds, undeterred by Hajime’s clear lack of interest in the conversation. “Actually, he is a pretty stoic guy, resting bitch face and everything.” 

Hajime would tell him to shut up if he thought his voice wouldn’t come out with a pitch and a very clear jealous incline. Fuck. He hates this. The only thing Atsumu does is praise the new recruit with more appreciation than he even shows his own brother. Any negative thing he has to say he says it fondly. It’s annoying. 

“You know, you don’t have to pitch him in like a sale. He is already our new cadet.” Hajime grits with controlled anger. 

Atsumu doesn’t even blink. “I’m just sayin’! Sunarin kept up with Samu and I. He is good.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Hajime growls, slamming the file shut. From the other side of the room, Tooru gives him a knowing look that he chooses to ignore. 

“Do we need to set up a room for him in the residential area?” Hajime then asks after clearing his throat, mostly to distract himself from the stupid look Atsumu has been wearing since Suna Rintarou became the topic of conversation.

“Naw, he is gonna stay with Samu and I.”

Hajime’s eyebrows furrow. That’s news to him. “Don’t you guys live in a two-bedroom apartment?”

“Yup.” Atsumu doesn’t clarify and Hajime’s fists clench. He meets Tooru’s eyes and he can see his friend silently laughing. 

Hajime decides right then and there that he hates ‘Sunarin’.

But of course, Suna Rintarou is just as talented as Atsumu described. At first glance he is much like Kunimi, he stands slouched and puts the least bit amount of effort into the things he does. But when he gets warmed up, Suna acts like the skilled soldier he is.

He is a good fit for the squad. Hajime finally admits that when he catches Osamu sneaking onto their floor to eat lunch with him— and not just because in turn, Atsumu, who was eating lunch with Suna before, leaves the two with a grimace on his face shortly after. 

“Ridiculous.” Tooru mumbles and Issei follows that with laughter, neither believing his reasoning.

-o-

Now 3:01

“Hey,” Hajime says more as a way to announce his presence than to greet Rintarou. 

Rintarou is seated against a locker, his knees pressed against his chest while his arms stay wrapped around them. He doesn’t look up to greet Hajime but he does stir, his shoulders tensing while his breath hitches. Hajime walks inside the locker room and takes a seat next to him. 

They sit in silence until Rintarou finally breaks it. “I should have seen him.” The words are no louder than a whisper. “If only I had been paying attention then maybe—” He cuts himself off, whatever words that meant to follow stuck in his throat. 

“Don’t do that,” Hajime says after giving Rintarou a moment to collect himself. “Don’t blame yourself.”

“I just— I know the risk.” Rintarou chokes out. “I know what we got ourselves into but,” he pauses swallowing back a sob and then his voice gets louder. “I’ve known them my whole life. I’ve known them since they were both short and snobby. Before that horrible dye job. We went to school together,” Another pause. “Atsumu is my brother,” Rintarou states, his hands now gripping at his hair in despair. “And yet I couldn’t do anything. I wasn’t able to protect him. It’s all my fucking fault—”

Hajime grips Rintarou’s shoulder before he can get another word out. “Don’t,” Hajime says, this time the word coming out as a command. Rintarou doesn’t say anything else but he sinks further on the floor, his eyes now closed as the grip on his knees gets tighter.

Hajime wants to tell him a lot of things. He wants to remind Rintarou that Atsumu is okay. That there is nothing to be so mournful about. He hasn’t died yet— his mind supplies and that thought forces him to swallow all reassurances.

Hajime doesn’t think anything coming from his mouth right now would sound convincing.

“How can I even face Osamu?” Hajime stills as he hears that soft confession that he doubts Rintarou meant to make. There is something fragile about his posture, about the way he holds himself as closely pressed to the lockers as possible. He probably wants to fade inside the walls, he wants to run away from the horrors unfolding in front of him.

To his question, Hajime doesn’t have an answer. 

-o-

Then

“I heard about your sister.” Hajime starts and Bokuto looks up from where he slouched against old uniforms and gadgets. His white suit is a bold contrast to the colour of the basement walls. “My condolences.”

Bokuto smiles, lifting the bottle of beer held loosely by his hand in greeting. Hajime eyes his form, notes that it’s probably not the first bottle he has had and then walks forward, extending his hand to offer the gift basket Tooru prepared once he looms over him. 

“It doesn’t feel real,” Bokuto says, taking the gift basket and placing it next to him before his eyes are back on Hajime. “My head is a mess. How’s Tooru?”

Hajime pauses, his eyes going to the basket. “He made that to distract himself.”

Bokuto smiles softly. “She really liked him.” He says, putting the bottle of beer down in favour of using both his hands to look through the basket. “She was so mad when we broke up. Didn’t talk to me for days.”

Bokuto chuckles and Hajime hums kindly, leaning over slightly to watch Bokuto pull out the many snacks and drinks he watched Tooru stack earlier the day. There are all things Bokuto's sister would have liked— did like. Her favourites. Hajime knows Tooru shares her taste, unlike Bokuto. Even so, Bokuto seems content. He understands those weren’t really for him.

“There won’t be a funeral.” There never is. 

“He knows.”

Bokuto nods, picking up his bottle again to take another sip. “It doesn’t feel real.” He repeats his earlier statement and then looks up to meet Hajime’s gaze with sunken eyes. “I saw her last week.”

Hajime closes his eyes for a second and sighs. “It’s okay to cry.” He says, the words tasting bitter like when he spoke them earlier to Tooru.

“I know.” Bokuto replies. “I’m not trying to hold anything back.”

Hajime doesn’t doubt that. Tooru had said something similar before he began preparing that gift basket. It took him fifteen minutes to finish it and then instead of picking it up and taking it to Bokuto, he had asked Hajime to do it for him before locking himself in his room. Hajime hadn’t planned to do as told but he took pity on his friend once he caught sight of his dirtied white suit jacket and the sound of muffled sobs coming from his room.

It comes to you when you don’t expect it. Anything can trigger it. It hits you with the full force of a blow and then you are left a broken mess of pieces that moments earlier kept your heart whole. Losing someone never feels real. Tears never flow freely when given a period to mourn. Death is not easy to accept.

Loss is felt and experienced differently.

Hajime nods in response to Bokuto’s response and then with his foot gently taps at Bokuto’s feet as a sign of comfort. Bokuto drinks his beer and says nothing else. They both just stare blankly at nothing and get lost in memories of another person too young and too kind lost too soon. 

The sound of arguing minutes later is what draws their attention back to this moment.

Hajime turns his head slightly towards the direction of the entrance and quirks an eyebrow at the sight of the two figures approaching, their white suits making it easier to spot them.

“You have no clearance to be here.” He hears Sakusa say, the look of irritation decorating his face matching his tone.

“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” Is the response Atsumu gives with a smirk. 

Bokuto snorts, now standing next to Hajime. 

“That’s not the point.” Sakusa hisses, his face turned to glare at Atsumu as they walk side by side.

“Lighten up Omi.” Atsumu sings, facing Sakusa as well. They are much closer to them now. Hajime can even see the tension around Atsumu’s eyes that speak loudly of his frustrations. “Stop being so prickly.”

“Kiyoomi.” Bokuto calls, interrupting Sakusa from responding to Atsumu.  Their eyes shoot to them.  Sakusa barely spares Hajime a glance, eyes zeroed in on Bokuto. Atsumu, though, only looks at him. “You didn’t have to come.”

Hajime huffs, elbowing Bokuto for the comment before turning to face him to give himself time to regain his composure after the way Atsumu’s gaze nearly choked him. “Visit Tooru when you feel better.” 

Bokuto is pouting as he holds his sides where he just got elbowed but his face does show clear understanding when he nods at Hajime’s words. “I will.” He promises.

“Good,” Hajime says. “Don’t push him away.” He then warns before turning and walking towards where Atsumu stands alone. Sakusa is already on his way over, a quick nod shot at Hajime as he passes him to take his place next to Bokuto.

Atsumu’s face relaxes by the time Hajime reaches him. “Let’s go,” Hajime says and Atsumu nods before turning around and leading the way. 

Hajime glances backwards after a few steps. Sakusa has Bokuto’s face cupped in his hands and their foreheads are pressed together while they have a whispered conversation. Hajime imagines Sakusa is murmuring reassurances and Bokuto is trying his hardest to dismiss his concern.

Not many know this but Bokuto is not the best at handling emotions. At least not emotions offered to him by the people he holds dearest. It’s why he and Tooru eventually fell apart. It’s why he can be one of the most open and friendly person to strangers while the ones closest to him have to fight for a glimpse of him. If Hajime had to guess why Sakusa and Bokuto’s relationship wasn’t plastered over all social media outlets, it would be Bokuto’s doing.

Hajime doesn’t blame him. It’s easier to keep things hidden.  

“I can’t imagine losing Osamu,” Atsumu speaks suddenly and Hajime almost trips with the shock of hearing Atsumu sound so vulnerable.

Hajime hadn’t forgotten that Atsumu was walking ahead of him. He hadn’t forgotten that even though he claims to hate Sakusa Atsumu had most likely attached himself to him to keep him company as he searched for Bokuto. Hajime hadn’t forgotten the surprised look on his face when his eyes had landed on Hajime earlier and the way he refused to look at Bokuto the entire time.

It kind of makes sense now.

“You won’t,” Hajime says, his heart pressing against his chest as he tries to think of ways to reassure him. He doesn’t want Atsumu to be caught in thoughts of losing his brother, he doesn’t want Atsumu to feel pain he doesn’t need to feel only because Hajime is here— You make him vulnerable. Honest. Open. “You won’t.”

Hajime echoes his own words and prays to every god that's willing to hear to help him keep that promise.

-o-

Now 7:11

“I told you not to leave him,” Tooru says the moment he walks into Hajime’s office. 

Hajime’s shoulder tense automatically as he thinks about the him in question. His gut churns and his mind goes back to the broken body he left resting on a hospital bed. Hajime. He hears his name being called with a cracked voice then he feels the heat of the blood coming from a wound he was tending not too long ago— Hajime closes his eyes and inhales. 

“Shinsuke is with him.” He says, forcing his body to relax as he looks up to meet Tooru’s hollow gaze. “You’re still in uniform.” He notes and suddenly Hajime is suffocating with guilt at the sight of the state of his friend. “I should have stayed. I should have been the one talking to the press. I can’t believe he—”

“Hajime.” Tooru interrupts, his voice is pained. “Don’t.” It’s a soft command. One that Hajime can’t obey. 

“It should have been me,” Hajime starts, “he should have taken it out on me.” Tooru doesn’t say anything to that. He simply seats opposite Hajime and lets his head fall on the desk.

Meanwhile, Hajime tries to remember everything he saw for the thirty minutes he allowed himself to turn on the news.

Rintarou had warned him about it before he left him to his wallowing. Don’t watch the news, he said, nothing worth seeing. Hajime would have taken his advice if he wasn’t a captain. If he wasn’t expected to be updated with any source of information, no matter how false.

Besides Shinsuke basically told him everything he needed to know at the hospital. He knew exactly what to expect when he found the first channel broadcasting the scene he had left hours ago, gripping Atsumu’s hand with no thoughts left for the rest of his squad.

Tooru’s interview is short and to the point. Hajime knows the media likes to cut and edit where they wish but it’s clear that they showed the entirety of Tooru’s speech raw. He gives a summary of their assigned task and then explains in little detail how far they got before they were ambushed. He praises the squad for fast thinking and working together to get out of the situation before any casualties. 

The reporter asks about the helicopter and its occupants and Tooru tells them the information will be released directly from the organization’s next press conference. He then gets asked about his position even though the camera has focused on the name tag on his uniform and Tooru answers truthfully. He excuses himself before any other question. The only reason he is not chased down is because Sakusa is there moments later and cameras are drawn to him like a moth to a light. 

Tooru’s interview is followed by a quick conversation between the news anchors that opens for Ushijima’s statement.

They show an image of Ushijima and next to him a copy of a letter he posted online. The headline reads Ushijima Wakatoshi, former agent of MIDO, calls for an investigation on MIDO’s income statements and claims fraud. The anchors talk about the official lawsuit being discussed as well as the gossip surging from the public. They glaze over the few words Ushijima said regarding what happened and instead focus on his previous ties to MIDO as well as the popular rumour of his decision to leave MIDO due to a scandal and affair with an investor’s daughter. Hajime can guess what rat started that sort of rumour. Probably the same that pushed Ushijima to leave in the first place.

Regardless, Hajime grabbed his phone to read the whole letter. 

…It’s an unfortunate time considering the current situation surrounding individuals that know no better than to follow the blind promises of a corrupt organization that makes a profit from exploiting a false notion of peace. MIDO continues to groom young individuals to promote their war propaganda and to maintain their control over larger cities that depend on their paper-thin protection…

Individuals that know no better— Hajime wonders if Ushijima was thinking about him when writing that. He also wonders how many times Tooru crossed his mind in the past hours. What was he thinking when he chose to post this moments after Tooru’s interview? Did he hope for something other than the inevitable? Regardless of who Ushijima attacked with his statement and regardless of what the issue was (fraud, Hajime scoffs), it’s all going to fall back on Tooru. 

It already has. 

“It doesn’t make much of a difference.” Tooru finally says, lifting his head after rubbing his eyes. “Hajime, why are you here?” 

His friend sounds too fragile and at the moment Hajime doesn’t know who’s to blame for that. Ushijima, for his careless actions or himself, for being a constant trigger to memories that haunt Tooru. 

“They said he wouldn’t wake up any time soon, not with the number of anesthetics used.” The words feel monotone, they lack conviction. They are not an answer to Tooru’s question.

“Whatever you are doing can wait,” Tooru says instead of calling Hajime out. “Sakusa has taken over the reports and any other paperwork associated with our mission. I’ve already checked with our squad. You don’t need to be here.”

“I don’t need to be there either.” Hajime lies without reason.

There is silence, Hajime can hear his heart pounding against his chest, and then Oikawa inhales sharply. “But you want to be,” he says, anger now leaking from his voice. “You want to be there. You want to be next to him, so why?”

Hajime looks away from Tooru and his eyes fall back to his hands that are resting on his lap. He sees blood that isn’t there anymore. He feels the weight of a body that isn’t there anymore. 

He feels them shake with a fear that wasn’t there before. 

“I don’t know,” Hajime says, the words leaving his mouth with a gasp before he is bolting up from his seat. 

Tooru watches him with calculating eyes. “Then go.”

-o-

Then

“Who’s this?” 

Hajime hums with curiosity as he sets aside the box of strawberries he brought to look at the object in Atsumu’s hands. It takes him a second to notice it's the frame he keeps over the bookcase of his living room, but when he does Hajime doesn’t have to see the picture inside to answer. “My cousin.”

Atsumu shoots him a wary glance before placing down the frame. Hajime wonders how he sounded to get him to react like that. “Ya look alike.” Atsumu muses, his eyes studying Hajime carefully. “Thought you were hidin’ a twin.”

It’s nerve-racking having Atsumu’s concern so openly directed toward him. Hajime swallows and takes a step back. “He left.” He explains trying to clear his voice from any sorrow or resentment.

There is a short pause and then Atsumu almost throws him off his feet with a simple question. “Like Ushiwaka?”

Hajime stills and stares, his mouth closing with a firm click. It takes him a moment to register the words for what they mean but the reason he stays silent for so long is that he can’t find the words to speak to Atsumu. He is stunned speechless.

When he invited Atsumu over to help with farming for the local shelters he never expected them to grow that much closer together. He didn’t expect Atsumu to tear down his walls and for Hajime to so readily allow him into more parts of his life. 

Inviting him over to his apartment was never the plan. Now that he is staring at Atsumu like a gaping fish with his mind running over a million thoughts, he can’t help but feel defeated by his ignorance. He should have seen something like this happening. He should have seen how easy it is for Atsumu to dig his way through the smallest openings in Hajime’s being and anticipated this turmoil.

Atsumu is the one that ends up breaking the silence. 

“Tooru told me about him.” He offers and Hajime finds himself nodding, the words helping his mind make sense of a few uncertainties. “It was an even trade.” He then adds and Hajime’s glazed-over eyes clear out to meet Atsumu’s loaded gaze. 

There are more questions than answers in his eyes. At this very moment, Hajime doesn’t think he would mind digging deeper.

“Trade?” He asks, a part of him already knowing the answer. Though in all honesty, Atsumu and Tooru’s friendship has grown greatly over the years. It wouldn’t surprise Hajime if Tooru simply decided to share his past because of the trust they now have for each other. 

Atsumu swallows and then nods. He takes a step closer to Hajime and then; “I too have a lot to say about those I love.”

It's Hajime’s turn to swallow though he doubts it's for the same reason as Atsumu. It doesn’t help with the dryness in his mouth and it doesn’t make it easier to find the right words to speak. Hajime’s mind is barely even reacting, lost in the millions of possibilities he is too much of a coward to entertain. It doesn’t matter anyways, because Atsumu looks like he said what he wanted to say and wasn’t expecting a response. He steps ahead and passes Hajime, saying something about strawberries and packaging. 

Hajime can’t breathe any easier with the added distance. 

-o-

Now 7:49

Hajime is surprised it took Osamu this long to find him. 

He is also surprised he managed to forget all about him during these past few hours, considering that now that Osamu’s body is firmly set on blocking his path, Hajime can’t do anything but remember the severity of this mishap.

They are not alone. Hajime’s whole squad is here, in their training grounds cleaning up the area while their eyes occasionally fall on the screen set on the wall furthest from all the heavy training equipment. While Tooru had entered Hajime’s office to get him out of there his entire squad had made themselves comfortable in their quarters, mostly there for support in case Tooru failed in talking some sense into him. 

Hajime was glad to see them there, talking to each other, looking after each other, and even offering lighthearted words to one another while they waited for him and Tooru to exit his office. 

Issei had been the first to approach Hajime. He offered him a hug and then in soft words inquired about Atsumu. Hajime gave them all a summary of what the doctors said. He explained how long it would take for him to wake up and gave a little more detail on the type of anesthetics that were used on him. He then told his team he would be taking some time to stay by Atsumu’s side and asked them all to go home and rest. 

They refused, like Hajime knew they would, and assured him they would stay here until Atsumu himself asked them to leave. Can’t leave Tooru either, Takahiro had added. Not with that asshole yapping about. 

Hajime had smiled and felt reassured. He grabbed his jacket, the one that gives him clearance to every government-owned building as well as all MIDO-owned buildings, and said his goodbyes before Osamu appeared.

His face unsettled Hajime, mostly because the last he saw a face similar to his there was too much blood and the soft choke of “Hajime”— the only reason Hajime manages to catch his composure quickly and clear the image of Atsumu’s mouth coughing blood and the deafening sound of a gunshot is Rintarou’s surprising call of ‘Samu’.

“What excuse do you have?” Osamu says, his hands moving to grip the front of Hajime’s shirt as he pulls him closer. 

Tooru is next to them in an instant, his hands grabbing Osamu’s arms. “Osamu.” He warns, trying to pull Osamu away.

Osamu doesn’t spare him a glance. “What excuse can make sense?” Osamu hisses. “Where is my brother? Why are you here when he isn’t—”

“Osamu,” Rintarou tries, appearing from behind Osamu to put a hand on his shoulder and pull him back. 

“Don’t touch me!” Osamu hisses, loosening his grip on Hajime’s shirt to snap his shoulder away from Rintarou’s touch. Rintarou freezes and his eyes widen. Tooru makes a furious sound and Hajime finally finds a reason to move. 

He grips Osamu’s wrists and twists to get him to loosen his grip on his shirt. Tooru uses the opportunity to push him away and then plant himself between them. Osamu’s eyes turn back to glare at Hajime while Hajime steps forward to take Rintarou to his side. He touches his shoulder in comfort, looking to the side to shoot Takahiro a look before his eyes fall back to Osamu. 

“There is nothing to say.” He says. “You know it’s my fault.”

“Hajime!” Tooru hisses exasperated while Osamu tries to lunge forward. 

“If you are going to blame someone, blame me,” Rintarou says from behind Hajime and he would sigh disappointedly and argue against him if his words hadn’t frozen Osamu in his attempt to attack Hajime.

Osamu looks like he might. He looks like the words are at the tip of his tongue. He might have said something he would later regret if Takahiro and Issei hadn’t both appeared to put more space between everyone.

“This is ridiculous.” Tooru says, “You are all a bunch of children! Hajime, go.” He orders pointing towards the door. He is not holding Osamu any longer but he does have a hand extended forward, pressing against his chest to keep him still.

Hajime would listen to Tooru if Osamu’s eyes weren’t keeping him locked in place. “It should have been me.” Hajime pointlessly states. “If I could go back in time I would take his place over and over again.”

“You,” Osamu growls, “you think saying that will make any of this better?”

Hajime tries to speak at the same time that Tooru attempts to cut in the conversation with; “for fuck’s sake he is not even dead—” but it’s Shinsuke’s voice that is heard above both of theirs. 

“Hajime.” He calls and Hajime turns to watch him enter the training room with Sakusa stiffly trailing behind him.

Shinsuke is wearing white.

Instantly Hajime watches as Sakusa’s eyes fly to Osamu with confusion before they seem to make sense of the situation and he steps forward, heading towards him while Shinsuke stays put, observing the scene in front of him. Hajime meets his eyes and something in him shuts down. 

No. He thinks. No, no, no. He begs, his eyes taking note of Shinsuke’s suit that he wasn’t wearing hours ago, back when he last saw him. I can look after Atsumu for a while. Shinsuke had said, so why is here?

He is wearing white. Hajime notes again. No, please. He pleas but Shinsuke’s sombre expression doesn’t shift and Hajime starts feeling something inside him break. 

“No.” It’s Osamu who reacts first. By the time that word leaves his mouth everyone else is probably already making the same assumption about Shinsuke’s expression. Hajime can only see Rintarou from where he is standing. He can only see the way he falls to his knees before Tooru is there, shaken; his face covered in disbelief. 

“Kita,” He hears Issei call out, followed by a request for answers but Hajime doesn’t need any of that. 

He can feel his face twisting with despair, he can feel his muscles going numb, his lungs closing in on each other, his heart being pierced— Osamu makes a strangled sound and Hajime turns to look his way as Sakusa grips his shoulders and keeps him from crumbling to the floor.

He hears him call his name, hears him try to calm his uneven breathing. Hajime catches sight of Osamu’s shaking hands and wonders if his hands are shaking as well. He is too terrified to look.

“No!” Osamu cries out and Hajime can’t breathe, he can’t— he can’t stay here, he can’t watch, he can’t—

No.

It’s not. It’s not real.

No.

This can’t be— 

He storms ahead, passing by Shinsuke without an exchange of words between them and then— “I won’t forgive you.” Osamu shouts after him, the words sounding clear though many yell at him to stop, “I won’t.” Osamu chokes out a broken sob and Hajime— 

Hajime runs. 

-o-

Then 18:48

Hajime heads for the locker room expecting it to be empty. 

He is late, probably late enough to miss the debrief. Tooru will surely give him an earful during the ride over to the deployment zone. His pager has been going off for the past fifteen minutes and if it wasn’t for the headache wrecking his brain, Hajime would have had the energy to pull his authority for some peace. Instead, he has been ignoring the pages, from both Tooru and Issei. He hasn’t even replied to the deployment team—another thing Tooru is sure to yell at him for. 

Hajime simply has too much to worry about and too little time to make peace with any of it.

It doesn’t help that the last captain meeting called on by Shinsuke had illuminated more problems Hajime dreaded to solve while the constant pestering by investors and suits had increased greatly over the past few weeks. He couldn’t find a moment to breathe, not with the added paperwork since the organization’s annual conference. 

It’s partly why he accepted this mission. He needed a break, his squad needed a break (and wasn’t that something— that they would find peace in missions that risked their lives as opposed to dealing with the never-ending expectations of those in power). 

Hajime was counting on some peace and quiet during the five minutes it would take him to change for the mission, but against his expectations, Hajime opens the locker room door and his eyes instantly land on Atsumu’s figure.

“Atsumu,” Hajime greets with a mixture of surprise and confusion. “You should be at the debrief room.”

“So should you,” Atsumu states with an eyebrow raised. Hajime goes to rebuke his statement but the words get stuck in his throat as Atsumu turns and begins to change out of his regular clothes in favour of the uniform. 

Hajime allows himself to watch Atsumu remove his shirt before he snaps his attention away and makes his way over to his locker. He changes quickly, making it a point to keep his eyes away from Atsumu even though he feels the other fails to do the same. 

The weight of Atsumu's gaze always lingers on Hajime whenever they are around each other. But it’s a little different now that it’s just the two of them changing in such a small room, surrounded by silence. He tries to think of the last time they’ve been alone like this and apart from the few memories of Atsumu in his apartment helping him with small tasks, Hajime can’t think of anything. 

Though if there ever was a moment like this, Hajime can’t say he remembers the heat of Atsumu’s stare as he feels it this very moment. 

Where you waiting for me? Hajime wonders when putting on his boots while Atsumu clips on the added safety features of his uniform. He sneaks a glance at Atsumu to catch a thoughtful expression on his face before he abruptly turns away to avoid getting caught. Do you want something from me?

His heart stills for a beat and Hajime clears his mind before he can get any other ideas.

Except it’s hard not getting ideas when he has already noticed enough. The constant staring, the silence, the slowed way Atsumu is moving— he is nervous, Hajime notes and then successfully prevents his mind from concluding as to why. 

Instead, he stops what he is doing and turns to face Atsumu openly. “What is it?”

Atsumu’s muscles tense, Hajime can tell because he is just wearing a tight undershirt that seems painted on his skin. “Hm?” Atsumu hums while sliding his belt through the loops of his pants.

Hajime frowns at the uncharacteristic avoidance. “Atsumu.” He sighs, “whatever it is, I should hear it before we deploy.” Atsumu clips his belt and looks up to meet Hajime’s eyes. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment and Hajime has to part his lips to allow his lungs more options to draw in air. 

“It’s stupid.” He finally says, his face contradicting that statement. 

“I doubt it,” Hajime replies and takes a step forward. “Is it concerning the mission? The squad?” Did I do something? Are you hurt? 

“No.” Atsumu dismisses. “Nothing professional.” 

“Is it your brother?” Hajime asks, remembering seeing Osamu yesterday in the cafeteria. He looked fine but that doesn’t mean everything is fine. “Did you two fight?” Hajime has lost count of the number of times Atsumu has turned up with a frown on his face due to whatever petty fight with his brother. 

“Not Samu,” Atsumu says before Hajime can ask anything else. Atsumu looks to be debating something. His eyes are locked on Hajime but he doubts Atsumu is seeing anything but blank space. His mouth keeps opening and closing but no words are coming out. No words until a soft; “It’s me."

Hajime pauses, unsure. “You?”

Atsumu meets his eyes and this time his gaze seems to burn with determination as he takes the six steps it takes to stand in front of Hajime. “Me.” He affirms and Hajime can do nothing but swallow at their sudden closeness.

Are you hurt? Is Hajime’s first thought but he doesn’t bother voicing that question because the answer is clear. There is nothing showing hurt in Atsumu’s expression.

“Atsumu,” Hajime starts, his eyes shifting down to see the little space between them. The need to step back is strong but only because Hajime is afraid of what he will do now that Atsumu is within arms reach. 

Hajime is so careful in always keeping his distance. He never gives himself the chance to be so close, mostly because his heart wouldn’t be able to handle it if it happened often. That or maybe Hajime would do something foolish like reach out.

“Hajime,” Atsumu mutters suddenly and Hajime’s eyes snap back to his face.

It’s the first time Atsumu has called him by his name. The first time he has addressed Hajime casually. It’s not like he would have been in trouble if he ever said anything other than Iwaizumi or Captain but Atsumu— 

Atsumu is a professional like Hajime. Atsumu knows boundaries. He knows that the walls have ears and that any mishap could lead to a burden nobody needs. Atsumu is his subordinate, there is no reason for him to call for Hajime’s name, no reason for him to sound so vulnerable doing so.

Hajime’s mouth goes dry and he chokes trying to respond. He is embarrassed and ready to step away to hide the colour that’s probably beginning to show on his face, but Atsumu takes him by surprise before he can. 

Hajime feels the way Atsumu’s hands cradle his face with care and a slight tremble before his eyes can make sense of it all. 

He goes still again, every inch of his body freezing at the touch of skin. He feels a hot wave rush through him before he shivers at the feeling of being pulled forward by hands that keep his face from turning away. 

“I’m sorry,” Atsumu says before he leans over and presses their lips together. 

A sound emerges from the back of Hajime’s throat as he sinks into the kiss Atsumu eagerly controls. He can’t form a single thought as his mind clouds in favour of concentrating on keeping his body still and his legs planted on the ground so he doesn’t fall. 

He tastes something sweet and immediately his tongue craves Atsumu like a child craves candy. Hajime makes another sound, this time a little more desperate and in turn, Atsumu moans against his mouth. Their lips are moving, caught in a dance that Atsumu leads. 

Instinctively, Hajime moves his head to part their lips long enough for air to soothe breathless lungs but then that short break from Atsumu’s lips drives Hajime mad enough to trigger his body to succumb to his desires. 

Hajime’s hands shoot up, one going to circle Atsumu’s body while the other touches Atsumu’s cheek and then holds the side of his head to draw him in closer. Atsumu responds in kind, his hands holding on tighter and trying to pull Hajime closer than it's even possible. 

Hajime doesn’t want this to ever end. He doesn’t want to ever let go. Heat surrounds him with every movement from Atsumu; with every sound he makes, and Hajime is desperately devouring it all. His senses are alert even though he is starting to feel dazed by the sweetness from Atsumu’s mouth. 

His pulse is probably hitting dangerous numbers and Hajime knows that he shouldn’t be gasping so desperately for air but he can’t stop. Not when every bit of Atsumu is consuming him whole and Hajime has never felt so alive sinking into his desires. 

Hajime might have lost himself completely had his pager not gone off, the alarm shocking both of them apart. Atsumu makes a frustrated sound but he grabs at Hajime’s hands to keep him from turning it off. The pager continues to ring as Atsumu brings Hajime closer, his eyes burning with determination. 

“Don’t,” Atsumu says, pressing their foreheads together, his hands keeping Hajime in place. “I’m not saying what I needed to say.” 

In Hajime’s opinion, Atsumu hasn’t even said anything at all. “The mission,” Hajime points, partly aware that he is trying to run away.

“It can wait,” Atsumu says, his face unsure. 

It can’t wait, they can’t be late for deployment. “Atsumu—”

“I didn’t mean to kiss ya.” Atsumu states and Hajime feels his heart sink. He is going to throw up.

“Okay.” He says, unsure of how raspy the word sounds because his ears are ringing and the crushing pain he feels against his chest is overpowering his senses. “We don’t need to—” 

 “I wanted to talk first,” Atsumu interrupts, the hold he has on Hajime’s hands tightening, “please look at me.” Hajime does, unaware of when he stopped. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t find the words but,” He stops abruptly, his eyes studying Hajime’s face in a matter of a few heavy breaths and then he swallows, his eyes closing only to open back with a new emotion decorating them. 

His entire face twisted to something more passionate, and angry. “I won’t apologize for kissing you.” He randomly declares and Hajime almost staggers forward in surprise. “I’m not sorry about that.” Atsumu then says, his eyes wide and filled with uncertainties before they are back to displaying angry fire hotter than the touch of Atsumu's skin that Hajime still feels no matter how hard he is trying to ignore it. 

“I’ve been tryin’ to keep it bottled inside. I’ve tried to get rid of,” he pauses and then goes to gesture to his chest before continuing, “all this! This inside me— I couldn’t,” He sighs, frustrated with himself. Hajime doesn’t dare move as he waits for him to continue.

“I didn’t want to burden you.”

At no point during Atsumu’s ramble did Hajime know where it was going. Even now, after having heard those words… he doesn’t understand. “Burden?”

“That’s what feelings are, right?” Atsumu breathes out, his face twisting to something sorrowful. 

Vaguely, Hajime thinks back to all the times he has tried to desensitize his emotions. He thinks back to what type of person he has presented himself as, not only to Atsumu but to his squad; to all the people that know him. He thinks about who he is, his position and what it means. 

He thinks back to when he transferred Osamu to another squad, and how he excused the decision. How regardless of the logic and the arguments he used, it all came down to one thing. Just like his decision to keep silent about his feelings always came down to one thing, no matter what else he claimed. 

“Feelings.” Hajime echoes, his mind miles away from this conversation but somehow still capable of drawing all the information in, still capable of understanding what he is faced with. “You— for me?”

Atsumu lets go of his hands. “Are ya making fun of me?”

“No,” Hajime throws quickly, not wanting to give this conversation any room for misunderstandings. He steps forward after Atsumu put some space between them and this time he is the one that reaches out and holds Atsumu’s hands. 

Atsumu watches him while he tries to control the tremble of his hands. Suddenly, Hajime is well aware of how his body language spells out his lack of confidence— Hajime feels at a loss, he has never witnessed such a look before and would like to never experience it again.

“Feelings?” Hajime probs, eyes focused on the way Atsumu seems to collect himself before he forces his body to stand firm and confident, his eyes ablaze one more time as he loses Hajime’s hold in favour of placing his hands on either side of Hajime’s face.

He cradles his face one more time, though this time Hajime doesn’t tense like before, this time he is ready—

“I love you,” Atsumu says the words with ease. They flow right out of his mouth without any restraint. “All this time.” He adds, the words almost grazing Hajime’s lips as he leans in closer, “I’ve loved you silently.” Hajime gasps and Atsumu inhales the air from his mouth as their lips touch again. “It’s not enough.” He gasps out when they pull for air after a short kiss. 

Not anymore goes unspoken as Hajime pushes forward and demands another bruising kiss. Again, and again, and again—

The pager goes off again, this time the alarm is different than before; a little more urgent. A second later Atsumu’s pager also goes off.

“When we get back.” Hajime breathes, his hand cupping Atsumu’s cheek to keep their eyes locked, “we will talk.”  

Atsumu swallows, his pupils dilated as he nods. “Okay.”

Pulling away from him is the hardest thing Hajime has to do. The only thing that keeps him sane is the thought of later. 

-o-

Now 8:01

Hajime makes it to the parking lot when headlights blind him to a stop. He raises his arm to keep some of the light away from his face long enough to notice two cars parked in front of him. Instantly, Hajime feels anger. He is running on a beating heart and a blinded desire to prove that reality is pulling his leg and that the assumption he has drawn so far is false. Because it hasn’t been said. Shinsuke is wearing white and he is not by Atsumu's side but—

But Atsumu is not dead. Hajime is sure. There is no way. Atsumu, he, 

It was a horrible wound, Hajime remembers. He remembers the sound of a gunshot, he remembers the blood, he remembers the broken sound of Atsumu’s words— his name. Hajime, Atsumu had called out and Hajime had promised him he would be okay. 

He is okay. Hajime tells himself, his hands now shaking as he studies the cars blocking him. He is okay, he repeats, noticing that one of the cars is a van, while the other is a sleek Honda. Both aren’t models the organization owns. 

Intruders, he thinks just as someone steps out from the backseat of the Honda.

Hajime instantly pats his sides in search of a weapon. He doesn’t have his gun on him but there is a pocket knife there, easy to grip while keeping his posture relaxed to not give away his awareness.

With his mind repeating the name of Atsumu over and over again he almost misses the call of his name. Hajime almost stumbles as he takes a step forward, surprise breaking his stance. “It’s been a long time” A voice he hasn’t heard in months comes out softly and familiarly. It’s the only reason he doesn’t think he is hallucinating him.

He opens his mouth to speak but the words get stuck in his throat as one of the headlights goes off and Hajime is left facing someone unexpectedly. “Keiji?” He asks as he studies his cousin with uncertainty. “What… what are you doing here?”

I don’t have time for this. A part of him screams from inside. It’s the same part that is demanding Hajime to move, to run, to go back to the hospital and to see with his own eyes that Atsumu is still there connected to all those beeping machines and very much alive.

Atsumu is alive. He can’t be, he can’t be— he can’t—

Keiji looks him over and shakes his head, his eyes studying the area around and then he faces the Honda to wave it away before he turns back to face Hajime. “There is no time to explain.” He says, walking forward with his hands raised to show his lack of weapons.

“What?” Hajime sees the Honda drive away from the corner of his eyes before he catches the headlights of the van dim a little from the other side.

Hajime shifts his body enough to show Keiji that he is not putting his guard down and then before he or Keiji can say anything else, Hajime hears footsteps from behind him before Tooru’s voice shouts out his name as he comes into view. 

“Hajime!” He shifts his face to meet his eyes, glad to see Tooru read the situation quickly and immediately stayed put before exiting the parking lot fully. Keiji can easily see him from where he stands, but anyone in the van can’t. 

“Akaashi?” Tooru asks, out of breath from chasing after Hajime. Keiji looks conflicted but he is not deterred as he continues to take slow steps toward Hajime, arms still raised. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Tooru demands, pulling a gun out from his side. Hajime’s breath hitches and Keiji finally comes to a stop, just a couple of steps away from Hajime.

“Oikawa,” Keiji calls exasperated, “please put that weapon down.”

Tooru flicks the safety off and aims.

Hajime is about to intervene, not liking that Keiji seems way too calm having a gun pointed at him. Especially while he is here, in the parking lot of an organization that has a bounty over his head. Something is off. There is too much happening at the moment and Hajime—

Atsumu. Hajime needs to get to Atsumu. 

Hajime shifts his foot again but this time before its’ a movement anyone can take notice of, the back door of the van opens. From where Hajime stands he sees medical equipment before it's all covered by the figure that steps out. 

A figure Hajime knows well. 

“Ushijima,” Hajime calls, to alert Tooru more than anything. Just like Ushijima can’t see him, Tooru won’t be able to spot him unless he steps out— Hajime hears the footsteps and doesn’t need to turn to know Tooru has moved. In seconds he is standing next to Hajime, gun still raised but his posture showing his hesitancy. 

Ushijima’s eyes flicker to Tooru, the muscles on his face hardening before his eyes shift back to Hajime. He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he moves just enough to allow Hajime and Tooru sight of the van. 

Hajime stumbles forward, his legs almost giving out.

“I’m going to need your jacket,” Keiji tells him as he takes the remaining steps to close the distance between them. His hands fall on said jacket just as Hajime remembers grabbing it earlier and apparently carrying it around all this time. 

He doesn’t understand what Keiji wants, or what any of this means, but he lets his jacket go without questions. Keiji smiles reassuringly and steps aside to allow Hajime to carry on his way towards Ushijima, towards the van, towards—

“You need to come with us,” Ushijima tells him when he is close enough and Hajime hardly spares him a look, whatever thought he had about this being a trap; an illusion; a mistake; vanishing as he nods numbly and steps past Ushijima.

His eyes are immediately drawn to the familiar colour of Atsumu’s hair. Like in a movie, Hajime imagines the scene— There is the distinctive sound of machines beeping, attesting to the state of the patient. The beeping resembles a heartbeat, and the camera undoubtedly turns to the heart monitor where the lines form the familiar shapes that portray a beating heart. 

Eyes fall to the body resting and the camera zooms to every detail that helps the viewers understand the patient's state. There is sweat glittering on his pale skin. Bruises appear in different patches of skin not covered by bandages. A blanket covers the lower body while more bandages cover the wound that put him there. 

The camera shifts to capture an expression of relief and then the camera is back to zooming in on the space right over the chest of the victim. You will hear the sound of a beating heart while watching a chest rise and fall in rhythm.

—Because this is reality, Hajime checks his pulse with his own hands before he allows himself to accept what he sees.

Then all too quickly the image in front of him becomes too much and Hajime is collapsing next to Atsumu’s side. Alive. Hajime finally breathes out. He falls to his knees, forcing himself to fit in the tight space left inside the van, and takes in the sight of Atsumu one more time before he is drawn back to what’s occurring outside the van.

“He is okay?” He hears Tooru ask and Keiji is quick to reassure him. His cousin then says something else to Tooru, something Hajime can’t hear but he does catch the way Tooru reacts to his words. His face falls and then his expression turns cold. He seems to consider something before a flicker of defeat crosses his gaze.

“There is not enough time,” Hajime catches Keiji saying this time before turning to address Ushijima. “You should get going.” 

Hajime feels a protest form in his throat but Tooru’s eyes silence him before he can voice it. Together, they seem to draw the same conclusion. “Go,” Tooru tells him and Hajime finds himself grateful and so undeserving in a matter of seconds.

He sees the way Tooru’s grip on his gun hasn’t loosened even if the weapon is now by his side. He sees the sweat falling from his forehead. He says the pain in his eyes but Hajime can’t do anything. He is going to be selfish one last time. 

Stay alert, Hajime tries to say with his gaze, it’s not safe.

It’s not safe, Tooru seems to be saying back, take Atsumu and go.

Hajime offers his friend one last nod and Tooru smiles in return before his eyes turn to Ushijima. “Keep them safe.” He orders with no room for comment before turning away and walking ahead, barely waiting a second for Keiji to follow before they both walk out of sight. 

Hajime’s eyes fall on Ushijima and he is pleased to see the fall of his shoulders. Good. Hajime is glad he is hurting. 

“I’ll explain once we arrive at my headquarters,” Ushijima says without meeting his eyes. Hajime holds back from snapping at him for stating the obvious. A thousand questions are running through Hajime’s head and although he has managed to draw a few conclusions, he knows there is much he is missing. The only reason Hajime isn’t demanding answers to those questions now is that Ushijima has Atsumu and Hajime, 

Hajime has reached for his hand in the midst of this and can’t seem to let go. 

Ushijima closes the door to the van after a quick nod of affirmation from Hajime. He hears the lock and then waits a few seconds before he watches him enter the passenger's side from the window dividing the front from the back of the van.

The engine starts and without a warning, they drive off. 

Hajime instinctively tightens his hold over Atsumu’s limp hand. 

He gives himself a moment to recap what happened. He gives his mind the chance to analyze the situation and to pick at all tiny details before he pushes all thoughts away for later. Hajime also takes a second to worry about his squad, to worry about Tooru, to even worry about his cousin who is probably wearing his jacket and now pretending to be him. He won’t fool those closest to him but everyone else…

Hajime thinks about Shinsuke’s white suit and his lack of words and wonders what he knows. He thinks about Osamu’s broken sob and damning promise, I won’t forgive you, just as he thinks back to Rintarou’s guilt-filled expression.

The pain of that moment still hasn’t left Hajime’s heart. It’s still pressing against his ribcage, that suffocating grip caused by the thought of Atsumu gone for that short moment. His lungs are barely taking in oxygen as they usually do. If anything, Hajime’s eyes are still open simply because Atsumu is now here in front of him. 

“Atsumu,” Hajime whispers, taking in the sight of Atsumu to a greater extent. He looks just like he left him, hours ago on the hospital bed. His face is relaxed, the anesthetics still in effect. Hajime studies every inch of his face before leaning closer. 

“I love you,” Hajime whispers, his free hand gently pushing Atsumu’s hair from his face while the other lifts his hand to kiss it. “I should have told you then. Or any time before that.”

Hajime presses his forehead on the open space next to where Atsumu’s head lies. “I love you, Atsumu.” He says again, whispering the words closer to his ear. “I need you awake,” Hajime cries. “Please wake up so you can hear me say it back.”