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Published:
2023-01-02
Updated:
2023-01-11
Words:
2,108
Chapters:
7/?
Comments:
42
Kudos:
123
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NORMANDY SR2 INFO BOARD

Summary:

Andromeda style info board for Normandy SR2.

Chapter 1: Fornax

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

MAIN MESSAGE BOARD

 

 

[NEW MESSAGES AS OF 20:03]

 

20:03- XO LAWSON: Someone left their copy of Fornax on the
mess hall table. Come to my office to pick it up.

20:03- URDNOT GRUNT: HAHA

20:03- GO. VAKARIAN: @shepard

20:03- LC. SHEPARD: @assangel

20:04- SPEC. JACK: Shepard

20:04- CHIEF. ZORAH: Garrus and Shep. Definitely both of
them.

20:04- LC SHEPARD: @chakwas

20:04- DR SOLUS: Happy to assist with question regarding
xenobiology. Shepard.

20:04- LC SHEPARD: very funny

20:04- GO. VAKARIAN: so do you have a subscription or is
it just a one time read?

20:05- LC. SHEPARD: lotta noise coming from the guy who just
bought the same edition as the one the X0 recovered

20:05- SPEC. GOTO: And how do you know which edition it
was?

20:05- OFF. TAYLOR: Nice catch, Kasumi

20:05- SPEC. GOTO: Yes. Yes I am,

20:06- LC SHEPARD: I was with him when he bought it,
geniuses

20:06- SPEC. MASSANI: it's mine hand it over

 

PRIVATE MESSAGE ARCHIVE

 

-

20:04- LC ZOMBIE: YOU LEFT YOUR FUCKING FORNAX IN THE MESS?
Last time I ever read you a bedtime story

20:04- GUNNERY GOD GARRUS: Yup. I wrote your name in it
too. "Property of LC SHEPARD”

20:04- LC ZOMBIE: you don't know how to write in English

20:05- GUNNERY GOD GARRUS: I do now. Well, just that one
sentence.

-

 

MAIN MESSAGE BOARD

 

20:07- X0. LAWSON: image_attachment_property_of_LC_SHEPARD.

20:07- SPEC. JACK: told you so

20:08- OFF. TAYLOR: Why does it look like a 2 year old
wrote it? You gotta work on your penmanship, LC.

[G.O VAKARIAN has changed LC SHEPARD's username to LC
XENOPHILE]

20:09- LC XENOPHILE: yeah yeah laugh it up. XO, why bother
with this mess if you knew it was mine?

20:11- X0 LAWSON: Team building purposes

20:11- SPEC. MASSANI: its mine give it to me now

Notes:

This series originated on my tumblr page @dovahbeeotch :)

Chapter 2: Who wants to slap Shepard?

Summary:

Shepard is special— don’t worry about her.

Chapter Text

SR2 INFO BOARD

 

[new messages as of 01:32]

01:32- DR. SOLUS: Aware multiple crew members still awake. Come to lab for sleep aid.

01:33- SPEC. JACK: what the fuck are you gonna do to us

01:33- GO. VAKARIAN: Yeah that sounds a little too ominous for my liking

01:33- DR SOLUS: Am doctor. Would never harm patients without consent.

01:34- GO. VAKARIAN:....without consent?

01:34- DR. SOLUS: Shepard sometimes requires physical violence to remain awake in morning.

01:35- CHF. ZORAH: Shepard?? You can always come to me for a punch in the face. I would be happy to oblige.

01:35- GO. VAKARIAN: And what exactly does she ask you to do?

01:36- DR. SOLUS: Depends. Usually slap to face.

[four people are typing...]

01:36- LC SHEPARD: hahaha very funny. yes, sometimes i need a little boost in the morning.

01:37- GO. VAKARIAN: I would be happy to take over this responsibility, Doctor.

01:37- CHF. ZORAH: NO I CALLED IT I WANNA SLAP HER

01:37- XO. LAWSON: please. this is a task for the XO.

01:37- LC SHEPARD: thank you all for your undying support

Chapter 3: Yoda? Yoga.

Chapter Text

SR2 INFO BOARD 



[NEW MESSAGES AS OF 13:45]

 


13:45- XO. LAWSON: Good afternoon, crew. Please read this article regarding stress management and wellness during high stakes missions. https: //alliance_mil/mentalhealth/
risk


13:47- LC. SHEPARD: read up folks


13:47- XO. LAWSON: You're expected to read and execute the material as well, CO.


13:47- URD. GRUNT: what is a yoga


13:47- GO. VAKARIAN: good question


13:47- LC. SHEPARD: pretty much just a breathing exercise good for flexibility. damn well couldn't hurt reach either


13:47- GO. VAKARIAN: interesting


13:48- URD. GRUNT: i looked it up but just a small green furry thing comes up


13:48- OFF. TAYLOR: That's Yoda, not yoga.


13:48- LT. MOREAU: How about a Star Wars movie night for morale, LC???


13:49- URD. GRUNT: when did the star wars happen?


13:49- LC. SHEPARD: it's fiction, grunt

13:49- GO. VAKARIAN: (that means fake)


13:49- XO. LAWSON: Come to my office if you have questions, Grunt.


13:50- SPEC. GOTO: Soooo what's the status of Star Wars movie night??


13:50- LC. SHEPARD: let's make it happen. you're all going to love it. it's terrible


13:50- SPEC. KRIOS: why would we enjoy a piece of media if it is terrible??


13:50- OFF. TAYLOR: It's a human classic!! Not the prettiest effects or graphics but the story is top notch.


13:50- GO. VAKARIAN: add blasto to the the movie queue.
i wanna see which actor they got to play me.

Chapter 4: Wake up

Chapter Text

 

[new messages as of 14:15]


14:15- CHF. ZORAH: am i the only one who's really freaked out over the fact we have a geth on board????


14:15- LC. SHEPARD: it's napping don't worry


14:15- GO. VAKARIAN: remember Chambers' wellness memos! breathe, zorah. 5 things you can see…


14:15- CHF. ZORAH: i hate you both


14:16- SPEC. JACK: i wanna know how the fuck it knows Shep's name


14:16- URD. GRUNT: and why is it wearing battlemaster's armour?


14:16- SPEC. GOTO: very creepy, not even i could get ahold of her armour


14:17- LC SHEPARD: you.. tried to get my armour? so did Liara. why does everyone want my damn armour??


14:17- GO. VAKARIAN: Shepard you aren't going to wake it... are you?


[three people are typing...]


14:19- GO. VAKARIAN: fuck she's gonna wake it


14:19- CHF. ZORAH: Yup


14:25- SPEC. SAMARA: there is a geth wandering the ship.


14:25-FLT. MOREAU: of course there is, why wouldn't there be

Chapter 5: Holiday Shank

Chapter Text

[new messages as of 16:55]



16:55- DR. SOLUS: Wanted to wish human crew Happy Holidays. Come by Med Lab for sweet treat.


16:55- CHF. ZORAH: what kind of celebrations are happening?


16:56- XO LAWSON: That depends on one's culture, ethnicity
and beliefs.


16:56- LC. SHEPARD: where im from, a lot of humans just use the holidays as an excuse to day drink


16:56- CHF. ZORAH: Wrex would love it


16:56- GO. VAKARIAN: “a lot of humans" or just you, Shepard?


16:57- SPEC. JACK: a fuckton


16:57- LC. SHEPARD: ^

16:57- CHF. ZORAH: am i on the right website??? a man breaks into your home, leaves gifts, eats your treats and leaves via flying mammals?


16:57- LC. SHEPARD: yup


16:58- DR. SOLUS: Santa came by med lab. Come see.


17:00- GO. VAKARIAN: image_attachment_mordin_in_santa_hat


17:00- SPEC. JACK: that's fucking adorable

17:00- SPEC. GOTO: who knew a war criminal could be so damn cute??


17:01- GO. VAKARIAN: he gave me a red and white sucrose stick


17:01- SPEC. JACK: it's a candy cane you fucking moron


17:01- SPEC. MASSANI: I made mine into a goddamn shank (image_attachcment_christmas_shank)


17:02- LC. SHEPARD: me too (image_attachment_garrus_at_knifepoint)


17:03- URD. GRUNT: GIVE ME ONE


17:03- XO. LAWSON: do NOT give him one.


17:04- DR. SOLUS: already done. not to worry. broke it immediately.


17:04- URD. GRUNT: : (


17:06- GO. VAKARIAN:
(image_attachment_tali_shepard_candycane_swordfight_in_main.
battery)

Chapter 6: Shepard’s gone

Chapter Text

[new messages as of 09:18]



09:18- CHF. ZORAH: any news on shepard yet? it's been two days...


09:18- GO. VAKARIAN: negative


09:18- XO. LAWSON: Her and Hackett's orders were clear. We must not interfere no matter how concerned we may feel. Her orders, not mine,

09:18- GO. VAKARIAN: the station is on course to collide with a RELAY. this is one of those times i'm inclined to belay her order.

09:19- SPEC. MASSANI: keep your panties on she's just goin for a goddamn joyride


09:19- GO. VAKARIAN: undergarments aside.… if THAT station collides with THAT relay...


09:20- URD. GRUNT: battlemaster is in trouble, do not be foolish we must help her! i will air drop down there if have to


09:20- XO. LAWSON: sealing all airlocks 

09:20- SPEC. LEGION: airlocks were sealed prior to your message. why would you state this, executive officer?


09:20- SPEC. LEGION: this unit now understands the comment was made for comedic purposes. partaking in this sort of behaviour is effective against unpleasant feelings due to a firing sympathetic nervous system.


09:20- SPEC. KRIOS: Though the commander has danced around death before, I am doubtful she would be victorious under these circumstances.

09:21- GO. VAKARIAN: hear that. XO?

09:21- SPEC. LEGION: this unit cannot predict an exact force or radius of the anticipated collision. an explosion deadly to organic life forms throughout the entire system is expected. extracting Shepard-Commander and escaping at FTL speed is recommended.


09:21- GO. VAKARIAN: you writing this down, XO?


09:21- XO. LAWSON: 1 am utterly aware of the situation, Gunnery Officer,


09:21- OFF. TAYLOR: she's currently pacing, aggressively. please stop aggravating her.


09:21- CHF. ZORAH: garrus go away


09:23- FLT MOREAU: great now he's bothering me. thanks
guys.


09:23- SPEC. SAMARA: this situation is becoming increasingly concerning.


09:25- FLT. MOREAU: hey can turians have panic attacks? asking for a friend


09:25- OFF. TAYLOR: Miranda just cracked a great joke regarding Garrus and unsealing airlocks. she wants to "see if those birds can fly as good as they chirp"

09:25- SPEC JACK: i would like to file a complaint against the cheerleader. displays of xenophobia and threatening subordinates. ¡ am feeling very unsafe and uncomfortable in this hostile work environment.

09:26- FLT. MOREAU: alright someone's gotta get the big guy outta the cockpit, he's really distracting. i think he hums the turian national anthem when he's nervous


09:26- CHF. ZORAH: ugh i know. so annoying. ill come get him.


09:26- OFF. TAYLOR: Miranda just called him a


[XO. LAWSON HAS TEMPORARILY MUTED ARMORY OFFICER TAYLOR]

Chapter 7: Supportive waist

Chapter Text

[new messages as of 19:14]

19:14- FLT. MOREAU: did you guys see shepard all dressed up for kasumi's murdery crime party??


19:14- CHF. ZORAH: YES


19:14- SPEC. SAMARA: yes, the commander looks dashing this evening.


19:14- SPEC. KRIOS: Indeed.


19:14- SPEC. JACK: crazy bitch can clean up nice that's for sure


19:14- LEGION: Shepard-Commander chose to wear attire that defines her pelvis in such a way which humans, evolutionarily, find attractive and appealing.


19:14- XO. LAWSON: excuse me?


19:15- FLT. MOREAU: did…. legion just call shepard hot??


19:15- EDI: the commander looked, what humans would call, "sexy', Legion


19:15- DR. SOLUS: Both AI's displaying attraction. Extremely interesting. Slightly concerning.

19:15- XO. LAWSON: alright alright, yes, she looks incredible. now can we please (narrowly) avoid sexual
harassment complaints???


19:15- CHF. ZORAH: where is garrus?? he should be here saying something horrifying and inappropriate… it's kinda his thing


19:16- URD. GRUNT: he went back to his area. pheromone stuff.


19:16- SPEC. MASSANI: shoulda seen the plated bastard's face when shepard stomped out in those heels


19:16- CHF. ZORAH: NO WAY


19:16- OFF. TAYLOR: Wonder what he's doing right now...


19:16- XO. LAWSON: NO ONE ANSWER THAT.


19:17- LC. SHEPARD: you know i can still read these, right? yeah yeah, your CO actually looks feminine for once- hilarious. now zip it! trying to act as sexy as i look.


19:17- FLT. MOREAU: how's it going?


19:17- LC. SHEPARD: trying not to stab anyone in the face. same old. same old.


19:18- GO. VAKARIAN: always a charmer


19:18- SPEC. JACK: that was quick


19:18- FLT. MOREAU: hey big guy


19:18- CHF. ZORAH: well.. probably not anymore, joker


19:18- GO. VAKARIAN: just to be clear, i had to ensure the Thanix Cannons were up to regulation after that last FTL jump. Calibrating a different big gun, guys.


19:19- CHF. ZORAH: there it is! inappropriate and
horrifying


19:19- XO. LAWSON: Please ignore this thread, Commander

19:19- CHF. ZORAH: there it is! inappropriate and
horrifying


19:19- XO. LAWSON: Please ignore this thread, Commander


19:19- LC. SHEPARD: please, this is the most entertaining part of the party. brb gotta put these defined hips to use. then drop some guards.


19:19- SPEC JACK: what a fucking animal


19:19- FLT. MOREAU: do you even know how to walk in heels, LC?


19:20- XO. LAWSON: don't you all have anything better to do than harassing our CO during an active mission?

19:20- CHF. ZORAH: no… not really


19:20- XO. LAWSON: YOURE THE CHIEF ENGINEER????


19:20- CHF. ZORAH: shepard in a dress takes priority.