Chapter Text
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” Reggie sang as happily punched numbers into his calculator.
“Babe, what did I say about the song?” Flynn pleaded.
“Right, sorry. I’m just so excited!”
Flynn was on the sofa at Bobby’s house, bouncing an almost two-year-old Georgie on her lap while the baby looked around in fascination at her parents’ friends. Rolling her eyes, Flynn explained to Bobby:
“He was so excited he couldn’t sleep last night. You’d think it was actual Christmas.”
It the morning of Tax Day, and Bobby had called Reggie at the eleventh hour for help after the numbers his accountant came back with made no sense. Reggie was sat at his kitchen table, a mountain of paperwork and receipts spread around him, all the colored highlighters in the world (Bobby didn’t get why he needed them, he was pretty sure Reggie just liked the excuse to buy stationery), a calculator and the laptop he was hunched over. Bobby stood at the kitchen counter, along with his queerplatonic partner Marcus, anxiously waiting the final results.
“Thanks again for helping us with our taxes, Reg,” Bobby said to his friend.
“Yeah, you’ve made me feel way better about mine,” Marcus chimed in.
“No problem! Now let’s sort out Bobbers'!” Reggie chirped, not looking up from the computer. “I’ve already completed mine and Flynn’s taxes, Ray and Trevor’s, Stevie and Carlos’, Victoria’s, Willie and Alex’s-"
“Thanks again, bro!” Willie called from the living room, where them and Alex were choreographing a dance for one of their ballet classes. Baby Georgie watched in fascination as they lifted Alex in the air and they added: “That refund is buying us a sweet vacation to Montana. Can’t wait to do some real hiking and exploring in my home state.”
“Totally can’t wait for the hiking,” Alex mumbled as he held his arms out like he was flying while Willie held him in the air.
Bobby blinked, shaking his head at the chaos. Julie and Luke were at his house too, working on a song on the sofa, Luke with his guitar in his lap.
“Hey,” Reggie called to the musicians. “You guys still want me to file your taxes too, right? I’d love to have the whole collection!”
Julie and Luke looked up at each other, freezing.
“Uh…taxes are um…something we’re totally prepared to do,” Luke stammered, rubbing his neck.
“You didn’t give him our stuff?!” Julie hissed. “Luke! Tax Day is today! We’re going to get arrested!”
“Don’t worry, I got you,” Willie promised as he and Alex spun into their next ballet move nearby, “Imma break you out of prison.”
They air-fist bumped Julie from across the room, and Bobby let his head drop to his partner’s shoulder. Chuckling, Marcus patted his head, clearly secretly loving having all of Bobby’s chaos friends over.
“You won’t get arrested,” Reggie assured them. “You just need to file an extension, but if you can get me your stuff I can do your taxes super quick! You got your receipts, right?”
Luke blinked. “We’re supposed to keep receipts?”
“We have been keeping our receipts, they were in the folder I left on the counter for you to give Reggie,” Julie shot through gritted teeth.
The guitarist paled.
“Please tell me it wasn't the yellow folder that was on the counter the other day..."
“Yes…”
“Oh. Whoops.”
Julie leapt up, her arms flailing. “’Oh whoops’? What do you mean ‘oh whoops? Lucas Molina, what did you do?!”
Luke got up, slowly backing away. “I um…might have uh…possibly…spilled coffee all over it. I didn’t think it was important, it looked like a bunch of old trash so I tossed it.”
His wife’s eyes lit up with fury and Luke yelped as he darted away to hide behind Willie.
“I literally told you what that was for!”
“I forgot!”
Julie stalked toward him, playfully grabbing him by the sleeve as she threw a big, fake, smile to the others: “This has been fun, but apparently we got a lotta paperwork to do.”
The two of them scurried out of the house, leaving the others trying not to laugh. Alex rolled his eyes dramatically.
“Please don’t kill Luke, he’s recording some tracks for me tomorrow!” Bobby called after them.
“Guys, save me!” Luke cried.
“Don’t worry man, if you guys get arrested at least you both look good in orange!” Alex called back as the front door opened and closed. They all stared up at him. “What, it’s true?”
“He’s not wrong,” Flynn agreed, readjusting Georgie in her arms.
Marcus looked up at Bobby, a goofy grin plastered across his face to match Bobby's stressed-out scowl.
“Admit it, you love the chaos,” Marcus sing-songed.
It was true, he did. He was also grateful when his partner reached into the fridge for some sparkling wine and orange juice.
“I’d love the chaos even more if it wasn’t on Tax Day,” Bobby grumbled. He slid around to the other side of the table, daring to look over Reggie’s shoulder. “How’s it looking, Reg?”
His friend made a face, and a pit fell in his stomach, knowing this couldn’t be good news.
“Actually…I think you might owe even more than your accountant thought,” Reggie admitted. “Like…a lot more more.”
“What?!” Bobby yelped. From Flynn’s lap, Georgie let out cackle. “That mother fucking dumbass fucking bitch jerkwad fucker fuck fuck fuck!”
Lost in his rage, Bobby kicked the lower kitchen cabinets a good dozen times before he finally realized everyone was staring at him, including the baby. He took a deep breath and innocently looked back at Reggie, who was staring at him wide-eyed, like he thought he did something wrong.
“I…I’m not mad at you, Reg,” Bobby promised. He swallowed hard, seeing how hard Alex was glaring at him for going off in front of Reggie, and he knew he deserved it. “Sorry.”
“Duck!” Georgie suddenly cried. She let out another bright laugh. “Duck duck duck duck duck!”
Reggie just looked between Bobby and his daughter in a mix of shock and amusement, while Flynn glared daggers at Bobby.
“You are so lucky she learned the wrong word!” She stood up, handing the toddler over to Alex. Bobby gulped as she strode over to him, suddenly finding himself in a game of chase around the table.
“Marcus!” Bobby yelped. “Help!”
“You know not to swear around toddlers, Bobby!” Marcus called and took a long sip of the drink that was supposed to be Bobby’s.
"This is better than Netflix," Willie laughed at the chaos, while Alex danced with Georgie in his arms.
At last, Bobby managed to hide behind Reggie, who glared up at him.
“First you yell at me, then you incorrectly teach my child to cuss, now you’re using me as a shield?” Reggie whined. “Wow, Bobbers. Way to treat the man doing the taxes that your man who was supposed to do your taxes screwed up.”
“I wasn’t yelling at you!” Bobby protested.
Reggie gave Bobby a wet willy before stepping aside so Flynn could swat at Bobby's shoulders.
"Hey!" Bobby whined. "I am ducking sorry I taught your daughter about ducks but I am ducking freaked out here!"
"Duck!" Georgie giggled.
"Duck where?" Alex asked in his 'baby voice'. He booped Georgie's nose, making her laugh harder. "Georgie duck! Quack quack!"
"I'm sorry for your crazy uncles sweetie!" Flynn cooed she went over to collect her daughter.
"Hey!" Alex pouted. "I did nothing wrong!"
Flynn raised any eyebrow
“You sure about that? You who taught my daughter ‘Baby Shark’?"
“Baby Shark!” Georgie cried. “Doo doo doo duck duck duck!”
Willie cackled, while Alex blushed and coolly ran a hand through his hair.
“I didn’t know you guys had like a vendetta against ‘Baby Shark’,” Alex attempted.
“Baby shark!” Georgie sang again. She pointed at her dad. “Daddy shark!”
Reggie’s eyes watered as he looked up to Flynn.
“You’ve deprived me of being Daddy Shark?!”
“Wait until you’ve heard the song five hundred million times, I’m telling you,” Flynn groaned.
“Guys!” Bobby cried. “I’m ducking sorry, but can we get back to my tax thing before I’m stuck in ducking prison with Julie and Luke?”
He was grateful when his partner pulled him back into the safety of the kitchen, handing him the mimosa.
“Here, alcohol,” Marcus announced.
“Thanks. Have I mentioned you’re my favorite?”
“I better be,” Marcus teased, kissing his cheek.
“Hey!” Reggie whined.
“You’re my favorite too, Daddy Shark,” Bobby promised, making Reggie blush.
“Daddy shark!” Georgie called, waving over to Reggie. “Doo doo duck.”
“Okay, but that’s the most adorable thing ever,” Alex announced. “You should be thanking me for teaching her that.”
“You’re pushing your luck, Alex shark,” Willie giggled. They pulled Alex back into the dance and the two continued to work on choreography like nothing ever happened. What even was Bobby’s life?
“Duck taxes!” Bobby cried again. He grimaced, bracing himself for the worst. “Exactly how much will I owe?”
Reggie looked around regretfully, as though he didn’t want to say the number out loud. Instead, he wrote it on a piece of paper and slid it over. Marcus let out a long whistle as soon as he saw the number over Bobby’s shoulder, and Bobby immediately began to swear again, only stopped when his partner placed a hand over his mouth.
“Yeah, your accountant sucks,” Reggie muttered.
“Ducks!” Georgie laughed. “Daddy ducks!”
Flynn’s mouth fell open, while Reggie was trying very hard to bite back a laugh.
“That’s it, I don’t know why I try. My baby’s just going to be a swearer," Flynn announced dramatically.
“As she should be!" Willie declared proudly. "All the cool kids at daycare will be swearing soon, she can be their leader.” Flynn glared at them too, and they stammered: “Not that I’ve taught her anything! I’m the good one!”
“Sure thing, mister S-word,” Alex teased.
“So that’s where she learned shi-"
“Okay!” Bobby called over the chaos. A nice, cold sweat was settling in as he fully began to process the number he read. He began pacing; Georgie watched him go back and forth from her place in Flynn’s arms. “Can we go back to the part where I owe the IRS all this ducking money? It’s not ducking fair.”
Reggie jumped up from the table, simply grabbed Bobby by the shoulders and planted a wet kiss to his forehead.
“First of all, it’s going to be okay!” His friend announced to him. Then he swirled around, waltzing over to pick up his kid from his wife. Georgie laughed as her dad swung her up in the air and placed a kiss on her cheek too. “Second of all, Daddy loves you and is proud of you even if you swear, and don’t let Mommy fool you, she swore like a sailor before you were born.”
“Damn straight,” Flynn muttered. Her eyes went wide when she realized what she did, and they both looked to the baby in horror.
“’am!” Georgie cried. “’am duck shark! Daddy duck!”
“That’s right!” Reggie cheered, kissing her again before handing her back to Flynn. “We’re going to have the swearingest baby of the whole daycare.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway. You’ll be fine, Bobbers. You’re a singer songwriter and Marcus is an actor. Aren't you guys like…rich? You’ll probably afford the fee just fine, it’ll be nothing.”
Bobby and Marcus turned to each other for a long moment…and burst out laughing. They laughed so hard they doubled over, holding onto each other. Then they straightened up, and Bobby’s face went serious as he simply replied:
“No, we are not rich.”
“Excuse me Mr. Has A Ceiling Fan In Every Room,” Reggie rolled his eyes.
“That’s your definition of rich?” Willie snorted.
“I’m a middle school band director who mostly grew up in his best friend’s garage and now lives in his wife’s best friend’s father’s house,” Reggie quipped. “It doesn’t take a lot of money to impress me.”
With a groan, Bobby simply leaned over the counter, banging his head against it over and over.
“This is why musicians go broke,” Bobby mumbled. “Bad accountants.”
“I don’t think that’s-" Marcus started. Bobby glared at him. “Nope, that’s totally true.”
“Well now you have a good accountant! And Imma help you save tons of money in the future.” Reggie beamed. Then he casually shrugged. “Or you guys could just get married.”
“What?” Bobby looked up at him.
“You could guys could get married. Ya know, for the tax benefits. You’d save a ton of money. Maybe not this year, but in the future.”
It was like the rug was pulled out from under him, Bobby’s world turned on its axis. Slowly, he straightened up, staring wide-eyed at his partner. Nothing about their relationship had ever been any version of conventional: they never kissed, they didn’t have sex, they didn’t go on dates or even sleep in the same rooms, unless they needed a cuddle. Their relationship was definitely more than just friends, while still being entirely platonic; Bobby didn’t have a romantic bone in his body, and he hated the thought of giving into social construct to appease a governmental construct. The very idea of marriage made Bobby want to puke.
But…he knew Reggie wasn’t wrong.
“Reggie,” Flynn warned quietly.
“Yeah, Reg,” Alex spoke up. “This doesn’t sound like any of our business.”
“It’s my advice as Bobby’s makeshift accountant,” Reggie replied innocently. “Queerplatonic partners get platonically married sometimes! A lot of that time, it’s for the tax benefits. Or for insurance. Or for custody or…lots of reasons.”
“He’s right,” Marcus said, his voice gentle as he turned Bobby around to face him. His partner offered him an empathetic smile, and Bobby tried to return it, knowing this was a lot for the both of them. “I mean, you get way better child tax credits when you file together. We both spend a lot on the kids, we both contribute to the mortgage. Plus, you and Carrie could be on my health insurance.”
He had private health insurance for Carrie, now, but it was ducking expensive, while Marcus had insurance through his actor’s union. Stupid America and its ducking taxes and ducking health care system. It felt like he was being tricked into getting married.
“I don’t want to get ducking married,” Bobby mumbled. “No offense.”
“Neither do I,” Marcus promised. “No offense.” They both smiled at each other again. It at least felt good to be on the same page. “But…you’ve gotta admit…”
“It makes a lot of sense,” Flynn finished for him. She adjusted her daughter in her arms as she got up to stand by her husband. “I admit it, Reggie's right. It saved us a lot of money when we started filing together.”
“Even I have to agree,” Willie admitted. “Getting married made things a lot easier financially. Like with loans, wills, bills, insurance, everything- ohmygod someone stop me why do I know these things?”
Alex sympathetically patted their shoulder. Bobby sighed, knowing all of this was making way too much sense.
“I don’t want to get married because we feel like we have too,” Bobby said.
“Agreed,” Alex echoed. He looked apologetically to the others for not agreeing. “Marriage is a big ducking deal, even if you don’t have a religious ceremony or there’s nothing romantic about it.”
Then he sighed. He looked over to Reggie chewing on his lip for a moment. “How much would we have saved this year, were we married?”
Reggie worked like a madman, doing hypothetical calculations of their taxes all over again. They all watched in all, even Georgie looked impressed with her dad as he expertly raced through the paper work once more. At last, Reggie wrote a number down on a piece of paper and slid it over to them. Bobby’s eyes went wide when he saw the difference between this and even what he got back last year, when his tax situation wasn’t nearly as bad.
“Wow,” Marcus breathed when he saw the number too. He looked up at Bobby. “Maybe…maybe Reggie’s onto something. We should talk about this.” He reached up, brushing the bangs out of Bobby’s eyes. “We’ll go over everything, and we’ll talk to the girls too.”
“You should at least consider it,” Reggie encouraged him. “In California you can totally just get an official domestic partnership and get tax benefits and all, but federally you would kinda need to be officially married.”
Bobby looked up to his partner, feeling all kinds of overwhelmed at the revelation.
“We don’t have to rush into anything,” Marcus promised. “We’ll talk about it later, okay?”
He leaned forward to place a kiss to Bobby’s forehead.
“Okay,” Bobby sighed. He turned back to Reggie. “What do I owe you for your help?”
Putting his feet up in a chair, Reggie placed his hands behind his head and leaned back. “Oh Bobbers, you know there’s only one method of payment I’ll accept…and that’s in food.”
Reggie leaned back a bit too far and his chair tipped back, sending him tumbling to the floor with a cry. Georgie giggled, her face lighting up at her dad falling.
“Ducking Tax Day,” Bobby muttered.
Bobby and Marcus spent the rest of the day talking about the pros and cons of getting married. They did hours of research and reading through the queerplatonic subreddits they were apart of and were surprised to find that Reggie was right, it really wasn’t uncommon for people to get platonically married for tax and insurance reasons.
By the time they picked the girls up from school, they had made their decision and sat them both down in the living room to tell them. Naturally, both their daughters’ faces lit up when they heard.
“You’re getting married?!” Carried squealed, jumping up and down. “This is the best day ever! We thought you were never going to get married!”
“That’s because they don’t believe in marriage!” Marcus’ daughter Hailey said. She made a face. “So why are you getting married?”
Bobby dropped his head, hating that that’s what they had made them think.
“It’s not that we don’t believe in marriage,” Marcus assured her. He looked to Bobby for help. “We thought marriage wasn't right for our kind of partnership.”
“But now it might be?!” Carrie cried, grinning ear to ear.
"Getting married won't change anything between us," Marcus attempted to explain, "it would just be for...grown up reasons."
The two kids were bouncing up and down on their seat at the sofa.
"But you might get married?!" Carrie cried again. "For real?"
“……yeah, for real,” Bobby admitted. He took Marcus’ hand. “We might get married."
He was pretty sure the girls’ cheers and screams of excitement could be heard around the entire neighborhood.
The next day, they had everyone over again. Julie and Luke slumped against each other on the sofa, exhausted from staying up all night getting their taxes together, while Reggie was bouncing with anticipation of Bobby and Marcus’ decision. Everyone gathered in the living room, including the girls and Georgie, who was being held by Alex now, her head rested on his shoulder.
“Did you decide?!” Reggie asked. “Tell us tell us tell us tell us telllllllllll usssssssssssss!”
Drawing in a deep breath, Bobby held Marcus’ hand as he finally confessed:
“We decided it was a good idea to get platonically married. Or whatever.”
“YAY!” Reggie exclaimed. He lunged forward, knocking Bobby to the floor as he tackled him into a hug and attacked him with kisses. “Of course I would have totally supported your decision to not get married. But also YAY!”
“Thanks Reg,” Bobby muttered, trying to pretend like he wasn’t totally flattered by the love his friend was shattering him with. Carrie and Hailey both jumped to join them, Hailey pulling her dad down as everyone hugged each other.
“Hey, we’re all married now!” Reggie realized.
“Stevie and Carlos are engaged, not married,” Flynn pointed out.
“Eh, they’ve basically been an old married couple since the day they met,” Alex teased.
“I’m also not entirely sure they didn’t get secretly married while they were in Bora Bora,” Willie mused. They and Alex both paused, thinking about it. “Hey, Reg, you did their taxes. Did they file together?”
Reggie leaned up from the pile on the floor.
“An accountant never tells his client’s secrets!” Reggie chirped. “It’s the accountant’s oath!”
“You know you’re not a real accountant, right?” Alex teased him.
“You take that back!”
"You'll always be an accountant at heart, sweetie," Flynn assured her husband.
"Thanks, baby!" Reggie blew her a kiss and both Flynn and Georgie blew a kiss back.
Meanwhile, Willie and Alex’s eyes both went wide, wondering about Stevie and Carlos, while Julie and Luke stirred fully awake, realizing they missed something.
“Wha ‘appened?” Luke asked, rubbing his eyes. “Is Bobbers pregnant?”
“I’m getting married, dumbass!” Bobby called.
“Platonically married!” Marcus echoed.
“What?!” Luke yelped, rolling over the back of the sofa to Bobby.
And there was more hugging and kissing. Bobby’s cheeks felt hot as he bit back a grin, finally sitting up with Carrie in his lap. Reggie straightened up, grabbing his daughter to pelt her with kisses to the cheek too, making her squeal with delight. He turned back Bobby.
“So…when is this totally not at all romantic wedding going to be?” Reggie asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
He and Marcus looked at each other and shrugged.
“We kinda figured we’d go down to the courthouse today,” Bobby replied. “You know, get it over with.”
“Like ripping off a bandaid,” Marcus grinned.
Everyone stared.
“Wow…okay…” Alex remarked bitterly.
The girls looked a little disappointed, but then Carrie suddenly piped up:
“Can I wear my dress from the ballet recital last year?!”
“We're coming, right?” Hailey pleaded.
Bobby shrugged.
“Of course you guys are coming, and you can wear whatever you want to."
"Then I'm wearing my pirate costume!" Hailey declared. Marcus bit back a laugh as he hung his head on Bobby's shoulder.
The girls cheered again, while Reggie just looked personally offended.
“But…but…this is your wedding!” Reggie blurted out. “It’s the most important day of your life!”
Flynn’s jaw dropped as she crossed her arms, staring at him incredulously.
“We got married on a whim in front of Darth Vader in Vegas,” Flynn scoffed.
“You loved it and you know it!”
His wife smiled sheepishly, kissing his cheek and taking their daughter back from him.
“Yes I did,” Flynn admitted. She looked up to Bobby and Marcus. “You two do whatever kind of ceremony you feel comfortable with. We're here for you."
“Yeah, we’ll support it,” Julie agreed. She hesitated. “Though we might not go with you to the court house though…” she smiled innocently. “You know, just to be safe.”
She glared at Luke.
“Yeah, we’re still not entirely sure the IRS isn’t going to kidnap us in the middle of the night…” Luke mumbled, rubbing his neck. “Our whole tax thing’s not…great…”
Alex gaped at them.
“Wow.” He threw an accusing finger around to all of them. “All of this is just…wow. It is your first real year making money as professional musicians, you can’t do this kinda crap!”
“I know!” Luke whined.
“I know!” Georgie cheered. “Wow!”
She cried ‘wow’ about five more times, making them all giggle. They couldn’t help it.
“My baby has officially entered her ‘copying words’ phase!” Flynn realized with delight. She waved a finger around at them all. “Take. Note.”
“What don’t you want her to know?” Willie asked. “I think a need a list.”
“Your uncles are children,” Flynn told her baby in her baby-voice. “Yes they are!”
“Wow!” Georgie cried, giggling herself.
Shaking his head, Reggie stepped in front of all his friends, putting himself between them and Bobby. He placed his hands on his friends shoulders, and looked Bobby dead in the eye for a long moment with those pleading, puppy dog eyes of his. Then he began shaking his shoulders.
“You’ve got to let me throw you a wedding! Please! Please please please please please! What if you get audited? You’ll need proof you’re really married!”
Bobby stared.
“You think the IRS is going to ask for our wedding photos?”
“I would,” Alex muttered. “People can’t just get married for tax reasons!”
“People get married for a lot dumber reasons than taxes, babe,” Willie sighed. They quickly placed their hand over their mouth and looked at the baby. “Is the D word on the naughty list?”
“Which D-word?” Alex beamed. Willie looked so flustered, they might sink right into the floor. “You led me right into that, babe.”
“All the D words,” Flynn shots.
“So like…’door’?” Willie asked, eyebrow raised. “Or ‘do’ or ‘don’t' or…’dad’?”
Reggie’s eyes lit up in horror.
“No!” Reggie squeaked. He rushed over to his daughter, getting down to her eye level. “No sweetie, you can say ‘dad’ all you want to! Don’t listen to your Uncle Willie, they’re mean!”
Georgie giggled and pointed at Willie. “Mean!”
Willie held a hand to their heart, in mock offense, and Flynn cooed: “That’s right sweetie, mean!”
“And we’re the children,” Willie mocked, rolling their eyes.
Flynn scooped her daughter up and stuck her tongue out at him too before heading with Georgie into the kitchen to get her a snack. Behind her mother’s shoulder, Georgie stuck her tongue back out at Willie, who did the same back to her.
Meanwhile, Hailey spoke up:
“What’s the IRS?”
“You don’t wanna know,” Luke groaned, answering for Marcus. He and Julie held onto each other supportively, sighing in defeat.
“It’s an organization that’s not that scary if everyone stays organized and has good accountants,” Marcus told his daughter. Luke rolled his eyes and Bobby stuck his tongue out at Marcus.
Reggie reappeared by Bobby, shaking him again.
“Bobberrrrrsssss!” He sing-songed. “What about the wedding?!”
“Fine!” Bobby groaned, just to get Reggie to stop shaking him. Secretly though, he knew he could never say no to Reggie. “You can throw us a stupid wedding but it can’t be romantic.” He looked to Marcus nervously. “I mean…if that’s what you want?”
His partner grinned.
“Only if there’s absolutely no romance,” Marcus agreed. “Or anything even slightly religious. Or anything shaped like a heart or anything white or pink. And no love songs.”
“Gross! Agreed!” Bobby nodded. Luke opened his mouth to protest and Bobby held up an accusing finger. “No love songs at my wedding, Luke!”
“Fine,” Luke pouted. “Just for that, we’re playing Baby Shark.”
“Baby shark!” Georgie cried in Flynn’s arms. “Doo doo doo doo!”
“We’ve officially lost the baby shark battle,” Flynn sighed.
Marcus shook his head solemnly. “Baby Shark always wins. Trust me.”
Georgie kept singing the song in Flynn’s arms while Reggie threw his arms around them and jumping up and down, making Bobby jump with him as he sang:
“You’re getting married! You’re getting married! You’re getting married!”
“PLATONICALLY MARRIED!” Bobby exclaimed over the singing.
“Wait!” Reggie pulled back, staring at him wide honor. “Does this mean…am I your maid of honor?”
Bobby bit his lip, trying very hard to not laugh.
“Yes Reg, that’s absolutely what this means.”