Chapter Text
Armin has never been a very brave person.
No matter the number of emotional talks with his Grandfather, or the nerve-wracking meetings with the psychologist, Armin could never beat his anxiety. It followed him everywhere he went, poisoned every conversation. Sometimes he wondered how other people functioned in their day-to-day lives without the bone-deep fear of a mugger jumping out, or a tree falling on them.
The endless bullying from a young age probably didn’t help much with his jumpiness.
Growing up an only child was rough, but growing up with only one friend was worse. Loneliness isn’t good for anyone, but Armin kind of preferred having one person to himself, as weird as that sounds.
Mikasa was a black-haired girl a year older than him, with a small, round face and a well-muscled body. She mostly kept to herself around other people, but she and Armin could talk for hours on their own time. She liked birds, old fantasy books, and anything that had to do with martial arts. She and Armin couldn’t be any different, but they stuck together through everything.
And Armin was glad to have her at his side through the gut-twisting sight before him.
His head ached, pushing sights of broken, mangled bodies from his thoughts every time his eyes drifted over one of the four glowing bonfires the 104th cadets stood shaking around. Every time the dancing light crackled Armin flinched, hearing the sound of cracking bones echoing through his head.
Throughout Armin’s silent freak-out, Mikasa stood, stoic as ever, directly beside him. Her deadpan face would lead most people to believe she had taken their friends' deaths easily, but he could tell she was barely holding herself together. Her eyes darted around to every face and spot they could find like she was waiting for something to happen, and Armin finally felt like he could relate to her.
If Armin knew this hell would have awaited him, he never would have let Mikasa drag him into cadet training. But it was either becoming a soldier or being sent off to the fields, and Armin felt he had no other choice to survive.
It was ironic, honestly, considering the number of fallen soldiers burning in heaps before their eyes. This wasn’t surviving.
He was startled as he felt a hand press against his back, nearly jumping as he spun around.
“Calm down. You have to stay strong. We’ll get through this, right?” Mikasa spoke in a soft voice, softer than Armin had heard in years.
He quickly wiped the tears from his face, sniffing. “I am calm.” He hissed back, and Mikasa gave him a stern look. Armin faltered, looking down at his feet.
“What now?” Armin forced out, his voice weak. He felt pathetic. This wasn’t how a man acted.
“We stay close, stick together, like we always have.” Her face lifted from a slight frown to neutral. That was the closest to a smile Armin could ever get out of her.
And Armin knew, whatever happened next, he’d follow Mikasa’s judgment.
This was a bad idea.
More than a bad idea even, a, really, very super bad idea. Had Mikasa lost her mind?
“Have you lost your mind?!” Armin shouted frantically, gripping Mikasa by her shoulders and shaking her.
“Let go of me.” She responded, with no emotion in her voice. She almost seemed to look down at him in pity.
“We’ll die! Are you crazy?! Only a fool like Jean would be that reckless! If this is about that speech he gave last night, forget it! Let’s just settle down in the Garrison, okay?!” He shook, eyes wide as he begged Mikasa to change her mind.
Armin had been convinced that no one would be stupid enough to join the Survey Corps after what they’d seen, but clearly, he had miscalculated. Because here stood his best friend trying to convince him to throw his life away for those horse-riding suicidal maniacs.
The newly-graduated cadets had been given a day off before their branch initiation tomorrow, and the cadets took that one day off seriously. Armin was pretty certain he’d never seen so many drunk teenagers in his life, stumbling around the barracks like madmen. But while everyone else used this opportunity to forget the visions they’d seen in their battle, Mikasa used it to drop the news on him.
Ever since the two of them were little, the black-haired girl had always had a disturbing fascination with the Scouts. Each time they rode into town, faces downcast as the smell of iron followed them like death following its victim, Mikasa ensured they’d be there to witness the grueling sight.
“This is my decision, you don't have to follow.” She smoothed out her uniform, turning to walk away.
‘She’s serious,’ He thought, dumbfounded. His eyebrows furrowed as he stared at the back of Mikasa’s head.
“Don’t be stupid, you know I can’t do that, but please. Think this through.” He pleaded. If Mikasa joined the Survey Corps, Armin would have no choice but to follow her to his death. It was how they worked, nothing would change that.
She hesitated, stopping in her tracks. “Do you remember when you used to talk about the ocean?”
Armin froze, looking back up to meet her eyes.
“You still want to see it, don’t you? Your dream is my dream.” She turned around fully and gave him another half-smile. Her face was tight, and Armin realized that there was no persuading her now. She was determined.
“Of course I do, but do you still want to go out there, after everything we’ve seen?” Armin tried to reason with her, his volume lowering to a whisper and his face softened. He would never admit it, but he was scared, so scared. One day he would pass away in battle, bleeding out or drowning in stomach acid. Of course, he wanted to get out there, to see what was outside these cramped walls. But in the end, every soldier's sacrifice was truly meaningless. They hadn’t learned a single thing about the titans, or what they want. Armin didn’t want to go out like his comrades, forgotten and burning in a bonfire. He grit his teeth.
Mikasa didn’t say a thing. She walked up to him, steps agonizingly slow, and held out her hand.
Armin paused. ‘It isn’t worth the risk,’ his brain screamed at him. The life he’d built inside the walls, his Grandfather, his home, his safety, could he just throw it all away like that? Could he just leave it all behind, knowing he might not return to it one day?
His brain conjured images of blood-covered fields, intestines spilling out of half-bitten bodies as soldiers screamed over fallen comrades. He imagined feeling giant hands wrapping around his midsection as teeth pressed around his neck. The sickening feeling of blood pooling around his face as his air was restricted. He shuddered.
But could he just stand by and hide, knowing that that could happen to another person at any minute?
Someone with a family, with friends, even kids. Reduced to a pile of fallen organs and dull eyes on the ground. The thought hurt him more than anything.
Could he really make a difference? Even if he became a soldier, would he actually be able to save anyone? He’d never been that strong, his grades in training were enough to prove that. But that wasn’t an excuse to back down.
He swallowed back bile, his hand shaking as he lifted it to Mikasa’s.
If I’m gonna go out, I’ll go out fighting for freedom.
His hand wrapped around Mikasa’s calloused one, holding it in a death grip as he shook. “This better not all be for nothing.” He nervously laughed, trying to shake off his jitters.
“It won’t be.” Mikasa gently cupped her other hand over Armin’s, holding his between hers.
“How do you know that?” A hopeful expression crossed over Armin’s face.
“Because we won’t be alone.”