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Vimes was dead tired, but sleep, as much as he tried, was impossible. The voice of the Dis-organiser still echoed in his head. So many deaths. Had they really happened, somewhere, or rather, sometime? Had it all really hinged on his decision, made in a split second? The thought was nauseating and it didn’t stop turning in his head, round and round and round. Finally, Vimes gave up on sleep and slipped out of the tent to wander around for a bit. Walking had always made him feel more at ease, though the desert was nothing like the Ankh-Morpork city streets. It was too quiet and too dark and much colder than it had any right to be. But as much as Vimes longed to settle down by the glowing embers of the hearth, he couldn’t bring himself to go back to the tent. He would suffocate there.
Behind a dune, well hidden from view, he sat down and looked up at the stars. You saw them more clearly out here than in the city, and so many, many more of them, stretching out endlessly into the void. Suddenly, Vimes felt the infinity of time and space like a crushing weight on his chest, making it rather hard to breathe.
‘Ah, Commander.’
The Patrician walked around the dune and sat down next to him without asking for permission. Looking up at the sky, he ignored Vimes’ surprised stare. The white robe he wore shone bright in the darkness. The colour, Vimes thought, didn’t actually suit him. It made him look soft.
‘Beautiful, aren’t they?’ A small, transfixed smile played on Vetinari’s lips, as he pointed upwards. ‘Look, you can see Khefin’s Eye Two very clearly over there. A fascinating constellation, named after the Two-Faced God of Gateways. He’s quite popular in Djelibeybi.’ Ever so slowly he turned to look at Vimes. ‘But you shouldn’t be out stargazing, Commander. I imagine you’ve had a couple of very tiring days.’
‘Sir.’ What was he supposed to say to that? Tiring didn’t even begin to describe it. Not that the Patrician actually needed to know. ‘Is everything sorted out then?’ he merely asked. Vetinari had seemed like he’d had a plan, but Vimes needed to be sure.
‘Hm? Oh, yes, I think so. We’ll see. It’s not quite over yet, I believe. But it’s not your concern anymore.’
Vimes huffed. As if he were able turn his concern for keeping people alive on and off like a switch.
‘What is it you are holding onto so tightly, Commander?’
Vimes looked down at his hand, surprised to find the Dis-organiser clutched in it. He didn’t remember taking it out of his pocket.
‘Nothing,’ he muttered.
‘Let me see.’
He did try to release his grip, but found that he couldn’t. His fingers had painfully cramped around the Dis-organiser and letting it go felt impossible. So Vetinari, without a word, took Vimes’ hand in his and gently opened his fingers, one by one, freeing the device from his grip.
The imp popped up and stared at the Patrician. After a second of confusion it shouted: ‘Things To Do Today: Be Publicly Hanged.’
Vetinari cocked his head curiously. ‘Is that so?’
Hastily, Vimes snatched the Dis-organiser back from him to silence the imp. ‘It’s broken. It hasn’t worked properly for a while now.’
His voice faltered. So it was still happening, somewhere, sometime. Vimes might have already died in that place, wherever and whenever that was, but the Dis-organiser simply latched onto another person and kept going. And there was still war. Or rather, what came after war, when you had lost.
‘Vimes?’
He gave up. He was tired. So many had died. He had died.
‘I don’t know exactly what’s happened – you’d have to ask the wizards, I guess – but from the moment I decided to come here, the Dis-organiser’s been telling me what would have happened if I hadn’t. Accurately. It… it wouldn’t have turned out well.’ He swallowed hard. ‘They all died, the whole Watch, everyone. I died. You will die, apparently. It’s all still happening, just not here and now.’
All the desperation he had felt when he had aimed a crossbow at Prince Cadram – mere hours ago, but it seemed like a lifetime – and that he had kept in check by idle conversation, came rushing back with a vengeance. His hands were shaking and his fingers clamped around the Dis-organiser once more. He was freezing cold. Bloody desert.
And then he was pulled into an embrace and he didn’t have it in him to fight it. Damn his pride, damn everything, after the last few days, he needed someone to hold him, to steady him, to hang on to. So he sank into Vetinari’s chest and allowed him to wrap his arms around him. His body heat seeped through the thin layer of cotton and Vimes pressed into it desperately, wishing nothing more than to be warm again.
‘You did good, Vimes,’ Vetinari whispered into his hair. ‘I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you. You saved us all.’
The praise was balm on his sore soul, he wasn’t ashamed to admit, but it still wasn’t enough to take away the desperation. He buried his face in the crook of Vetinari’s neck. ‘Did I? I’ve heard them all die. There was a version of me who didn’t save anyone.’
A hand came up to the nape of his neck to pull him even closer. ‘Not for lack of trying, I’m sure. When you toss a coin, when you take a decision by chance, you may end up with heads or with tails. Impossible to tell which before it has landed. Neither of us is Mrs Cake.’
With a start, Vimes sat up, just enough to look at Vetinari without leaving his warm embrace. ‘And where were you in all this anyway? You went to the trouble of sending me that bloody letter, but not one word about what was going on. You could’ve at least let me know you were alright after Rust had ousted you!’
‘He didn’t oust… ‘ Vetinari interrupted himself and blinked. ‘You cared?’
‘Yes!’
The surprise on his face gave a pang to Vimes’ heart. ‘Of course I cared,’ he muttered. He sank back into Vetinari’s chest, exhausted. Gentle fingers combed through his hair.
‘The situation was complicated, Vimes, and you were the only person… I needed you to focus on what was important. I trusted, and deservedly so, you would get it right.’
‘Still not sure I did, to be honest.’
Vetinari sighed softly, his breath tickling Vimes’ ear. ‘You did. What’s done is done. All we can do is be grateful that the coin has landed on the right side for us. That’s all there is to it.’
‘But…’
‘Shhh.’
Gentle fingers raised his chin up, so Vetinari could look him in the eye.
‘The here and now is all we can control, Vimes. Be content with that. And be content in the knowledge that you were quite brilliant.’ There was a brief pause, and then the soft touch of lips against his, so fleeting, Vimes might have imagined it. But it was enough to stop him freezing. ‘Go to sleep now. The world will look brighter when you wake up.’
Vimes very much doubted that, but Vetinari’s voice and warmth were too soothing to withstand them. So he allowed himself to sink into him even deeper, until his eyes fluttered shut, until his body went numb. He was vaguely aware of the Dis-organiser being taken from his hand once more, as he gently, blissfully drifted off to a dreamless sleep.