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It was almost impossible for Sirius to immediately understand what people were feeling.
Not when it came to obvious reactions, of course — Sirius, since he was a child, had known all the primary and easiest reactions, especially anger and despair. And pain, too. Because a child born in the House of Black couldn't help but know that. Even Narcisa, the dearest of the family, knew all these reactions and feelings well from a young age. But some other reactions, coming from more complex feelings, were difficult for him to understand.
He rarely put himself in other people's shoes, mainly because Sirius was always so impulsive. Before even thinking, he was already acting. While many saw this as an act of courage, because he would never hesitate to put himself in danger if it meant getting what he wanted, Sirius actually thought he was pretty stupid sometimes. But only sometimes, like when he accidentally hurt his own friends.
At that moment, it shouldn't have been hard to understand what Remus was feeling, because anger was visible on his normally so relaxed face. Remus was even breathing heavily, and Sirius was sure that if he got close enough to him, he could hear Remus growling. But Sirius, in fact, couldn't understand him. Because even though he clearly noticed the anger, no, the hatred that was exuding from Remus, Sirius couldn't understand his reasons.
Because they were fighting because of Snivellus. Again.
After fifth year, after that had happened, their friendship had never been the same again. And even though Sirius was frustrated by it at first, he completely understood why. Sirius no longer tried to justify himself, or even tried to make the matter lighter than it really was or make some sort of joke — in fifth year, Sirius had almost killed Snape using Remus. Even if he hadn't meant to— he had done it, and Remus had the right to be angry with him forever if he wanted to.
But Remus— Remus had said he forgave him. Sirius had stayed for almost six months begging for forgiveness, yes, and Remus was not obliged to forgive him, as James had said several times, but Remus admitted that he had already forgiven Sirius, despite his regrets. So it made little sense to Sirius— in fact it made no sense at all— that Remus would insist on— on hanging out with Snape, on being seen with him, on having made some kind of strange friendship with him.
Sirius understood that what he had done was horrible— he had put Remus' life in danger, and that in itself troubled him daily when he caught himself too distracted. But Remus had no obligation whatsoever to get involved with Snivellus, he had no fault at all— he shouldn't be paying that price. But every time Sirius tried to tell him that, Remus would get so angry, so defensive.
And it was weird for Sirius, because Remus never got mad at him. Remus never really got mad at any of them, actually. Sure, fifth year was different, but usually Remus, despite scolding them, wasn't really a person who raised his voice or got visibly upset. But recently he was getting really annoyed with them— especially Sirius.
It didn't make sense. Snivellus was— he was cruel and evil, and in love with Dark Arts, and would probably become a bloody Death Eater soon. Remus shouldn't get involved with someone like that, but every time Sirius said that to him, Remus would look at him with a hateful expression, as if Sirius had offended him, and walk away. James had also tried several times to tell Remus this, that he shouldn't let guilt take over his senses and stay friends with Snivellus because of what had happened, because it wasn't his fault, but Remus never listened to both of them.
And now Snivellus thought he had the right to talk to Remus— to stop him in the corridor and laugh and make Remus laugh and—
It was ridiculous. Sirius felt ridiculous. He didn't know why, but seeing Snivellus— annoying, ugly, poor Snivellus— talking to Remus, their best friend, one of the prettiest boys— It was ridiculous. But Remus didn't see the situation like that. He wasn't listening to them, and he was slowly drifting away, and apparently Sirius was the only one who understood what was going on, because James had given up on understanding Remus' motives, and Peter apparently never cared about it all.
But Sirius did care, and Sirius was stubborn. When he put something in his head, he rarely took it out, and he was willing to do anything to prove to Remus that bloody Severus Snape was an idiot who was just using him for some evil plan. It turned out that Remus wasn't enjoying this at all, Sirius' interventions, the obsession, the violence—
Sirius was, admittedly, even more violent recently when it came to Snivellus. It was Remus who constantly stopped him before Sirius could even pick up his own wand, as if he knew exactly what Sirius was thinking. And that was annoying too, because Remus never— Remus never liked what they were doing, but he never stopped him either, and Sirius found that he didn't like that, being reprimanded by Remus as if he were the same child trapped in his own room in 12 Grimmauld Place after a fight with his parents.
He couldn't understand why recent events were troubling him so much. Not even James, who apparently had every reason in the world to hate Snivellus because of Lily, was really bothered by Remus' new friendship, but Sirius was— he couldn't even put it into words. But the worst wasn't that confusion, the worst was facing Remus and realising that Snivellus's fucking made him laugh. And not just laugh like Remus normally did, but giggle. Sirius couldn't remember the last time Remus had been this happy around him— them.
Snivellus made Remus happy— happier. And wasn't that simply hateful.
"I don't understand you, Sirius!" Remus shouted, his face red, but this time not from embarrassment or happiness, but from anger, as it rarely did. The white scars seemed even more present at that moment "We're going into seventh year, can't you just put this childish feud aside for once?"
"Remus, you have too big a heart and trust people too much! It's clear that Snivellus—"
"Severus, Sirius, Severus."
"He's manipulating you!" it was Sirius' turn to shout "It's clear that he's— he's slowly making you get closer to him, and away from us, and soon— soon you won't even want to be my— our friend anymore!"
"Funny you should say that, Sirius, because Severus and I don't even talk about you guys." Remus said, with an expression that bordered on disgust "Severus and I talk about normal things, and we don't mention any of you, because he actually fear—"
"Ah, please." Sirius laughed, though it was a mean laugh "Snivellus, afraid of us? He must know more about Dark Arts than I do, Remus, and I'm a Black! He can take care of himself, as he did all those years!"
Remus paused for a moment, staring at Sirius with a tense but strange expression.
"You're right, you are a Black." Remus said, his tone low, falsely controlled "You are just like your parents."
Sirius froze, and suddenly the silence— the silence became deafening. It was almost as if he hadn't been able to process what Remus had said, because it couldn't be true. Remus couldn't have said something like that, because he knew— he knew what Sirius thought about his own parents. Remus knew everything about Sirius, really. About how he was treated, and how his life was growing up. So it was really hard to believe that Remus had said something like that, something so, so—
"Take it back!" Sirius shouted, so overcome with anger and fear and a devastating sense of loneliness that he barely noticed that he had approached Remus, who was holding his wand in hand "Remus John Lupin, take back what you—"
"I didn't lie!" Remus spoke over him, again with that annoyed expression "You like to think so highly of yourself for not going to Slytherin, for not being like your parents, who hate muggles and all that crap, but you're prejudiced just like them, Sirius. Only you hate different people. You hate Slytherin students—"
"They're all cursed snakes that—"
"Not all of them!" Remus snapped, frustrated "Has it ever crossed your mind, Sirius, that some of them don't agree with what their classmates say? Has it ever crossed your mind, Sirius, that some of them don't have the power to disagree, the influence to disagree? You know very well what your family is like, and you fortunately had the chance to escape, to have a place to stay. But what about those here at Hogwarts who don't have a place to stay?"
"They can talk to Dumbledore and—"
"Ah, yes." It was Remus' turn to laugh, that cold, sneer-filled laugh so uncharacteristic of Remus " Dumbledore, who in fifth year made a Slytherin student swear to silence despite him being nearly killed because of a prank by a Gryffindor student. I'm sure he would be a great help. The same Dumbledore who has done nothing to stop students from joining the Dark Lord."
Sirius stopped, staring at Remus with wide eyes. They hadn't talked about it— Remus had forgiven him.
"Listen, Padfoot." Remus sighed, noticeably exhausted "Perhaps comparing you to your parents was too much, but you haven't behaved much differently from them. You've transferred all your hatred for your family to Slytherin, and you can't accept a view other than the one you want to believe. You need them all to be cruel because if any of them are even remotely good, then you'll be forced to accept other truths you don't want to deal with. But I'm telling you now, before it gets even worse— Not all of them are bad, and not all of them agree with what the others say."
"Like Snivellus?" Sirius said his name with apparent disgust, and Remus' expression immediately hardened.
"Like Severus." he corrected, again annoyed "I'm not asking you to be his friend, Merlin, I could never even dream of the day you two will get along, but if you trust me, then you should trust my decisions. James and Peter don't care anymore, why do you care so much?"
"Because I care about you, Moony!" Sirius almost shouted "And Snive— Snape is no good! He'll fool you and—"
"And it will have been my choice, Sirius." Remus cut him off, impatiently "Only mine. And I, you may have noticed, am very capable of making my own choices and dealing with their consequences, unlike certain people."
Sirius immediately closed his mouth as if he had been slapped, and Remus didn't wait for him to recover to walk away, leaving Sirius alone in the dormitory, still feeling his nerves trying to jump out of his skin. That fight with Remus almost seemed worse than the fight they'd had in fifth year.
Sirius had a theory that the Blacks lost the natural kindness of a baby when they were born. People think babies are harmless, always adorable, but people don't know the babies that are born into the Black family— babies like Orion, Bellatrix, Narcisa, Regulus... And Sirius, too. Sirius, who even in his attempt to disassociate himself from these people, to try not to be what his parents expected of him, apparently ended up becoming more and more like them.
Maybe Remus was right in that respect. Maybe Sirius had projected all his hatred for his family onto every Slytherin student, but most of them never made a point of proving otherwise— Most of them had always been cruel and idiotic and— Well, Sirius knew that maybe they didn't need to prove anything to him. He understood. But despite that, Sirius couldn't trust them, and even worse, Sirius couldn't trust Snivellus.
Even with their fight, even if Remus was now even more distant, Sirius was going to prove to him that something was wrong.
That was why Sirius was standing there after curfew, following Remus and Snivellus underneath the invisibility cloak that James had lent him with much hesitation for some reason. James would usually be the first to agree with Sirius, but recently he was always trying to change Sirius' mind, even if he never succeeded. But James wasn't much for pushing either, he would give up pretty quickly when it came to Sirius.
"You can choose either room, it doesn't matter." Snivellus said, walking shoulder to shoulder with Remus. He was a little shorter, clearly more malnourished, but Remus was just as tall and big as James, probably because of the lycanthropy, so it made sense.
"Not just any room." Remus rolled his eyes, a recent habit, but he was smiling "We need to feel a connection and—"
"Ah, please!" Snape complained, suddenly pushing Remus towards a door. Sirius raised his wand from under his cloak, ready to hex him, but soon heard Remus' laugh "We're just going to go in that one right here."
Sirius hurried to follow them. Luckily, Remus and Snape entered the room without looking back, and only after they inspected the room did Remus return to close the door, so Sirius was able to enter unnoticed. It was an abandoned classroom, and the desks were all pushed towards the walls. While Remus transfigured a few chairs into armchairs, Snape was fiddling in his uniform pockets, frowning. Sirius held his breath, naturally wary — he didn't want Snape to attack Remus with something.
"I think I forgot the— Aha!" Snape pulled something out of his pockets, and Sirius again pointed his wand at him, but soon noticed that it was just a small envelope or something along the lines of "Here we go.
Remus had transfigured the chairs, and the two sat side by side. Snape pulled out of the packet something that Sirius couldn't make out in the low light of the place, which was basically being lit by the moonlight coming through the window, but he soon noticed it was a cigarette. From the smell of lavender that no later made its way into the room, he didn't really need to guess what their intent there was.
Sirius was surprised again. He had no idea that Remus liked to smoke— he'd never mentioned anything like that before.
With an experienced flick of his hands, Snape lit the cigarette with ease, without needing his wand, bringing it to his mouth. An expression of satisfaction took over his face quickly, and a small smile broke out. Sirius had never seen him smile before, not even with Lily. He was always closed-faced and frowning, but that night, Sirius actually could finally see Snape's face. He had his hair tied up in a low ponytail, and his long fringes were no longer hiding him.
"Hey, share with me." Remus grumbled, and Snape laughed.
"Right, right." he let out a puff of smoke, quickly offering the cigarette to Remus "Here, no need to get mad."
Remus didn't wait any longer to smoke either, and they were silent for quite a while. Sirius was almost uncomfortable standing there watching the two of them share a cigarette. He hadn't expected any of that. Sirius hadn't expected the two of them to meet so late, and neither had he expected them to smoke. It was against the rules— and Remus was always against forbidden things, and Snape was a perfect prince who could do no wrong, apparently.
"You look tense." Snape commented, attracting Remus and Sirius' attention "Has something happened?"
With a tired expression, Remus passed the cigarette to him "The usual."
Snape raised an eyebrow, but said nothing until he had taken another drag on the cigarette.
"Black and you fought again?"
Upon hearing his name, Sirius naturally snapped back into a state of alertness, this time annoyed that it was Snape who had spoken of him, with such audacity and courage.
"Sirius doesn't understand me." Remus shrugged as if it was no big deal, but Sirius could see how upset he was.
"Black hates me." Snape corrected "It's not that he doesn't understand you, he just doesn't understand me."
Remus let out a chuckle, taking the cigarette from Snape "You really are very mysterious."
"Remus." Snape grumbled, frowning. Sirius caught himself a little surprised. It was the first time he had ever seen Snape refer to them by their first name.
"I know, I know." Remus coughed, turning his face momentarily to push the smoke away "It's just that Sirius— I don't know why he cares so much about this. I've been trying to make him understand for months that you're different, and he doesn't need— He doesn't need to be your friend." Snape made a disgusted expression upon hearing this, as if he agreed, and Remus couldn't help but laugh, raising his hand to mess up Snape's hair momentarily in a gesture of affection. Snape complained, but didn't curse him "He doesn't need to, I don't know, befriend you, Severus. He could only respect my decision. James and Peter listened to me, but Sirius— Sirius keeps insisting that you sure did something to me, and that you plan to feed me to the Dark Lord."
Snape laughed, settling more comfortably into the armchair.
"I'm surprised at how ambitious he thinks I am. Apparently I have all the time in the world, and I'm very obsessed with you guys."
"A perfect Slytherin." Remus teased, smiling sideways. Snape rolled his eyes, picking up his cigarette and puffing once more "Anyway, that's it. Sirius— I don't know. He's been acting weird for a while, ever since before we became friends, you know? By fourth year he was— Different, I guess. He didn't like it when I made friends with a Ravenclaw boy, either, but he wasn't like that before. Sure, he hates you— I guess that's an important factor to consider, but Sirius was weird before."
Sirius didn't remember being different. He didn't— He might have been a little more insecure, and he certainly remembered disapproving of Remus' friendship with that Ravenclaw boy who didn't know any better and tried to spend all his time with him, but Sirius didn't remember being different.
“Oh, Remus— ” Snape murmured, with an odd expression, his voice soft but also with— with pity.
"What?" Remus turned to him, noticeably hesitant.
"Remus, I think—I think Black likes you."
They were silent then. Each for a different reason. Snape just had nothing more to say, Remus seemed to be processing what he'd heard, clearly ready to rebut, but Sirius— Sirius was static. He hadn't— he'd never liked a boy before, and Remus was friends with him— best friends with him. And best friends with James and Peter too, but Remus had never— Sirius had never considered before—
"Oh, no, Sev, I don't think Sirius likes me. I'm pretty sure he only likes girls." Remus said, but the argument sounded weak even to Sirius.
"But it makes sense." Snape shrugged, handing the cigarette back to Remus "Or he's just a jealous bastard. A jealous bastard who apparently can't deal well with just a friend of his becoming friends with other people, how curious."
"Sev—"
"It's a hypothesis." Snape said "You are Sirius Black's best friend, not me. If you say it's really impossible that he doesn't like you or— or boys, then you're probably more right than I am."
"Sirius isn't— Sirius doesn't like boys." Remus said with shocking certainty to Sirius.
Snape nodded, clearly disinterested. He pulled the cigarette from Remus' hand, who still hadn't smoked it again. Remus refused to give it back, but let Snape smoke from his fingers. The act was... strangely intimate, as if they had done it before. Something ugly turned in Sirius' stomach.
"Sirius Black's too good to like boys, isn't he?" Snape grumbled, letting out a puff of smoke, looking directly at Remus "He's not like us."
Sirius positively stopped breathing at that moment. Remus— Remus liked—
"Yeah." Remus nodded, smiling sideways, staring at Snape with those gentle eyes and that tender expression— "Like us."
Remus liked boys— And Sirius, well, Sirius didn't have a problem with that, he never— Never! He would never have a problem with it. He wasn't conservative, in fact he tried to be as contrary as possible to everything the idiot adults thought, but knowing this suddenly made him a little nauseous, in fact Sirius was glad he was leaning on the wall, because he felt his legs weak at this revelation.
"Merlin, and to think I would become friends with a Marauder." Snape laughed suddenly, and it wasn't hard to notice that he was high.
"Ah, you talk like it's the worst thing in the world!" Remus was also apparently quite happy "I know if everything had been different, you— you'd like them, I think. They're jerks sometimes, I know, but they didn't turn their backs on me when they found out about— you know."
"Good people wouldn't turn their backs on you anyway, Remus, that's not a specific quality of your friends." Snape rolled his eyes "Lily wouldn't abandon you."
Remus smiled, "And neither would you."
"Yes, but shhhhh—" Snape asked, signalling silence "I'm an evil Slytherin, who hates muggles, half-bloods, who abhors creatures like you, because if I don't think so, Remus, they'll kill—"
"Severus!" Remus scolded him, clearly annoyed, but Snape was laughing.
Laughing as if he hadn't just implied that he would be killed if he didn't think in such a way. Sirius felt like he was going to throw up, and he didn't know if it was because of the lavender smoke making him dizzy, or if it was because Snape was talking so calmly about the possibility of him dying, as if it was something he had already accepted—
"You know it's true!" Snape didn't seem the least bit affected. "Mulciber has been incredibly pushy recently, and I don't know if I'll be able to get away from him for much longer." Snape admitted, a sombre tone in his voice.
"Are you sure Dumbledore can't help you?"
Snape grimaced, "Sometimes, Remus, I get the impression that he wants me to become one of them. That he wants to be right about me. That he wants to be able to rub it in my face that I am exactly this boy he thinks I am."
“Sev—”
"And I may have been, one day, that boy." Snape muttered, disgusted "But after what I saw that night—"
“Sev—!”
"They wanted us to kill a bloody child, Remus, as a test, as a little joke." Snape spat, trembling, visibly affected "I- It doesn't even make sense. In the beginning the speech was not about domination, but about control— About order. We have magic, we could prevent so many things, make so many people's lives better, if only we could use it openly. But suddenly all they could talk about was killing and torturing— Lily and you were suddenly in the hated group— I was in the group! They hate people like me too, Remus!"
Sirius really was feeling sick now. On one hand, hearing that Snape was in fact attending these meetings made him happy to be right, because Sirius knew he hung out with bad people, but hearing that he didn't want to— That he needed to go to avoid being killed, well, that possibly changed everything Sirius thought he knew.
"And why would they need us— why would they need children? Remus, you have students being recruited who can't even perform basic spells!" Snape was clearly frustrated.
Remus gave up on interrupting him, worrying to hug Snape sideways, even though their position was not comfortable. Neither of them seemed to mind, however.
"But you helped me too, Remus." Snape admitted, low, perhaps embarrassed "Because I was ambitious to prove myself, to be the best of them, so no one could ever say anything about me, no one could ever touch me again. But out of desperation, of course. Because I don't have a future, I'm not rich, my mother died and my father—" he sighed, wearily "But you showed me a way, so..."
"And I'll help you, Sev, I swear." Remus murmured, squeezing him gently before turning away from Snape. The cigarette didn't even seem important at the moment. "You won't need to turn to them, I promise."
"I hope they'll give me time." Snape sighed "I asked for until the end of our studies, but I don't know if they will respect that request."
"You said Lucius likes you, maybe he can help you."
Snape grimaced, "Lucius doesn't like me enough to put himself in danger because of me, and I wouldn't ask that of him anyway." he shrugged "If everything goes wrong, I will secretly go and live in your dormitory, and you will teach me everything you learned on the day and bring food for me."
Remus suddenly laughed out loud, breaking the tense mood the bad subject had brought.
"And what do you intend to do about James, Sirius and Peter?"
"Stay naked constantly and threaten to hug them if they get too close or try anything against me, of course." Snape replied quietly.
Sirius' eyes widened at hearing him say something like that so casually, but Remus seemed used to it, because he just laughed.
"And you wouldn't hug me?"
" Naked? Remus John Lupin, I almost think you're flirting with me!"
Remus let out a chuckle, "Severus Tobias Snape, you're awfully clever for your own age."
"You're an idiot." Snape rolled his eyes, and Remus's recent habit never made so much sense, but what bothered Sirius most, perhaps, was the completely tender and devoted and caring way in which he said it, with which he looked at Remus, almost as if—
Oh.
Snape liked Remus.