Chapter Text
The first thing he realized upon waking up was a sickeningly bright light in his eyes. His face scrunched up at the sound. That is when his other senses caught up. He heard footsteps and voices all around him. They were low like a whisper but there. However, smell is what caught him the most. He knew the smell of the healing room well. So the Kursed blade hadn’t killed him.
He would have sighed if he could. Instead he opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few times to adjust to the light. He turned his head as Lady Eir, Asgards royal healer, approached. The question is on the tip of his tongue but he doesn’t ask it. She already knows it anyway. She ushers the other healers out before helping him to sit up. He winces as his middle still hurts where he was impaled. He didn’t actually expect to survive. He was quite eager to see his mother again, and be reunited in Valhalla. The Norns, as always, we’re cruel.
Eir didn’t talk at first, neither did he. It was rare for him not to talk. Not to ask but he had no energy to do so. He would have answers eventually but he didn’t care enough to get them now. Eir hands him a potion which he drinks without question. He grimaces at the taste then gives it back. Eir completes her routine, doing her assortments of tests now that he is awake. When she is done, she takes a seat next to the bed. Her face is grim and her eyes are saddened. Loki just waits.
“You survived because of your heritage. Jotunar lives in a harsh environment. They adapted so that when they are severely injured, their bodies slow down. They seem dead but without the blood flowing as quickly, poison cannot spread. Like the poison of the Kursed blade,” she explains. Loki nods mutely. He figured it had something to do with him being Jotun. A similar thing happened while in the void. He does not recall that time nor does he want to.
“What poison was used and what were the effects?” He was sure he already knew. It took him a moment to figure it out when he woke up but he still felt it. It’s gone.
“I am so sorry,” Eir says with tears in her eyes. “I don’t know what the poison was but it does drain one’s seidr. Slowly disconnect them from Yggdrasil. You have just enough to survive but your sorcery… it’s gone. I can’t restore it.” Loki doesn’t respond. Tears don’t even fill his eyes. Seidr runs through a sorcerer like blood. It is necessary for their survival since they are beings of magic. Having it stripped away, slowly taken from them is agonizing. It feels like a part of his soul was taken. Though he’s faced so much that at this point all he can do is just accept. It’s gone. He doesn't know what will happen next and right now, he doesn’t care.
***
Over the next few weeks, he spends his time recovering. Eir oversees most of this but there are other healers that come in to check on him once in a while. At this time, no one comes to visit him. He heard from a servant that Thor had given up the throne and left for Midgard soon after. Odin wouldn’t come. And Figga…
When he is finally set free from the healing room he is immediately chained and brought before the Allfather. Asgard is very clearly under construction still. It appears they are taking the opportunity to do some renovating. Loki watches them work as he is brought to the bottom of the dais. He doesn’t really care what his punishment is at this point, he has nothing left to lose. He notices that this trial is not a private one. While the room isn’t full of Asgardians, some staff members and Nobles are present. In fact none of the doors are closed he realizes. This is not really a trial, more like an informal sentencing. Curious.
He didn’t really care about the trial or whatever it was. He was just curious about the fact that no one else really cared either. When they finally reached the dais, Odin Stared down at him with one disapproving eye. He didn’t pay the old man any heed, mostly focusing on the damage around the throne itself. It was almost ironic, a throne of gold in ruins much like the realm it represents. His eyes eventually shift to the Allfather and for how intimidating that old man looked Loki remained completely impassive. Not in defiance but because he simply doesn’t care anymore.
“Loki, you were imprisoned for the numerous crimes across the Nine Realms now you stand accused of breaking free of your rightful imprisonment and assisting in the treason of Thor Odinson.” Loki loses interest at this point, he begins to study his hands and the shackle around them. They possess no rune to block his seidr for there is no need now. But it means everyone knows. He sighs, all he can do is hope to be left alone at this point. That is, if he survives. That thought hadn’t occurred before but now that it has he feels nothing in response. “In doing so, you have aided in the defeat of Malekith and saved the lives of both the mortal Jane and my son. You helped save the Nine realms, thus it is my decision to set you free.” Loki blinks up at him in confusion. This was not what he was expecting. “You have redeemed yourself and so you shall start anew. Of course I cannot give you back your old position now but you are free to live the life of any ordinary Asgardian citizen.” Odin taps Gungir to seal the agreement. The guards remove his chains and just like that, he’s free. Or so it seems.
He bows to the Allfather without a word and then leaves the way he came in. People in the room watch as he goes. Each of them with barely concealed contempt and anger. Loki ignores them as he continues. He continues through the palace until he makes it out to the common people, then he keeps walking. He doesn’t know where he’s going until he makes it to the peer where they send their dead to Valhalla. Where his mother was sent to Valhalla. He stares out over the edge, imagining what the funeral would have looked like. Logically he knows, he’s been to funerals before. He knows all the traditions. The burning of the bodies and sending them off to Valhalla with the light of the people to guide them. However, he doesn't know what it was like to see his mother out there. He never saw the others mourn and never got the chance to mourn with them. He didn’t hear the stories people would tell of the Queen that they lost. And he didn’t get to send off a light to guide her. But, what was worse than it all was that he never got to say goodbye.
He looks out over the edge, half tempted to fall again and join his mother. He knows that she wouldn’t want that but he doesn’t know what else to do. He doesn’t really care about the throne anymore. Thor ran off to Earth to be with his mortal. Odin has completely disowned him and he has no friends. Not even magic to help preoccupy his thoughts. Magic used to be the one thing in the Nine Realms he thought he could rely on above all else and now, even that has abandoned him. Instead he just leans on the railing looking out over the peer and over the edge. Instead of worrying about now he thinks of the past. Of his time with his mother. All the times he loved her and all the time she was there for him. He doesn’t think of the one time he rejected her but of all the times he accepted her. The memories were all he had left and he held on to them as tight as he could, never letting go. And as day turns to night and tears fill his eyes, he continues to think of his mother and all his memories of her. It’s all he has now and if he becomes lost in his thoughts, turns to insanity from this one moment then he doesn’t mind. If his mother is still alive in his memory then he never wants to leave.
***
Loki isn’t sure what time it is. Late. So late that it’s early. He’s no longer staring off the edge of Asgard but at its street, though he hasn’t moved from the peer. His is still there, sitting and leaning against the railing. There is no one around to scowl at him or simply stare. He is, as always, alone. His eyes flit from closed shop to closed shop. He’s not sure what he should do next. He supposes get a job. That is what commoners do, they work. He looks to a nearby tavern, the only building opened at this hour. He doesn’t want to go inside, he has no money to afford anything anyways but there’s no point in sitting here. Maybe he can get a job.
With a long suffering sigh he gets up and trudges for the inn. Its lights are still open and there is still music playing. He never understood the appeal of alcohol. He didn’t want to lose control of himself and he didn’t want to forget his mother. It’s the only thing holding him together. He opens the doors and walks in and the entire room goes silent at his entrance. Every drunken person in the tavern immediately sobers and glares at him.
“Get out,” the owner tells him.
“I merely wanted to ask for a drink of water,” he replies. That’s reasonable, right? All taverns have free water to offer. The man glares at him, as if what he said was some great offense. His scowl does change as he pours him a cup and shoves it into his hands.
“Now get out. You're not welcomed here,” the owner sneers. Loki looks down at his water and simply nods. He turns and leaves. As soon as the door behind him closes, he hears them laughing at the ‘Fallen Prince’ who came to beg for a glass of water. Loki just keeps walking. It’s all he can do. At first, he wasn’t sure where to go but now he set his path for the forest. It’s clear he’s not welcomed in Asgard. Maybe if he’s lucky he will come across the path of a wild Bilgesnipe and get mauled to death. Would that be an honorable enough death for Valhalla? No, he would have to resist and if the bilgesnipe came running, he wouldn’t.
Maybe he could take one of the pathways to another realm. Vanaheim, the home of his mother. He could make a home there, among them. Except that the Vanir hate him now as well. The marauders attacked them because of how much discourse he had created throughout the Nine Realms. Then again, no one would like him no matter where he went. He won’t survive long, he realize. He’s too vulnerable and has too many enemies. His best hope really is the Bilgesnipe. He nears the edge of the forest with his mind telling him to find the nearest bilgesnipe possible.
“The forests are dangerous this late at night, especially without a weapon,” a voice called to him.
“That would be the hope,” Loki replies as he turns to meet the eyes of a weary looking old man. Loki knows him and has seen him quite a few times before. He’s Snori, Asgards royal librarian to its royal library. Though he stands tall and healthy as an Aesir half his age he looks as old as the Allfather himself. He has a white beard and receding hairline that is also white. However the man's blue eyes look the same as every other time has seen them. They rarely talked, except when necessary. He helped Loki whenever he was researching in the library or just there to read. Loki never really knew the man. Any conversations were purely intellectual. He wonders why, out of everyone, this old man would be the one to approach him. Snori studies him as Loki studies Snori. It is Snori who breaks the silence.
“The loss of one seidr make them lose a part of their soul, as does the loss of a loved one,” Snori says as he comes closer and places a hand on his shoulder. “I am sorry that you lost your mother.” And with that his resolve breaks. The tears that he’s been holding in for weeks spill from his eyes and he crumbles to the ground. He’s vaguely aware of Snori pulling him into a warm embrace and rubbing his back, like his mother would do. He hasn’t cried like this in centuries, not ever since he was little. It was like finally releasing something to the world. Like finally admitting to something that he had lied about.
Since the day he was told of his mother’s death no one was there to console him. Not a single word passed through anyones lips. Not even the guard who informed him sounded the least bit concerned. Thor was too caught up in his own grief and anger at the time to do so. Loki was alone in his mourning for everyone had begun to move on but he had nowhere to move on to. But for the first time since his mother passed, he wasn’t alone. This strange old man offered him some pity and it may just be pity but at this point he didn’t care because he finally wasn’t alone. However temporary it may be, he had someone there to hold him and he would relish this moment for all that it is worth.
They stay there like that for an indiscernible amount of time. The only words that are spoken are by Snori as he comforts him with words that remind him that he’s there and that ‘everything will be alright.’ Loki doesn’t believe either but it feels nice to pretend. He cries for what feels like an eternity until he’s sure every ounce of water his body could give has left through his eyes. When finally all his tears are spent and he looks up for the first time, the sun is rising. It’s then that a bit of shame begins to creep up to his cheeks. Although, Snori either doesn’t see or doesn’t care. Instead he gets up after Loki pulls away and brushes off his clothes. Loki stares down at his hands, entirely lost at this point.
“Come,” Snori says, reaching a hand down. “You’ve had a long night and are in need of a wash and a good meal.” Loki doesn’t protest, he simply takes the offered hand and allows Snori to help him to his feet.
Loki follows Snori back through Asgard. It is still rather early so very few people are out. Snori leads him back to the gates of the royal palace. However, once they are inside the gates he doesn’t go to the palace and instead makes his way to the apartments made for the various workers within the royal palace. The apartments aren’t made of gold but instead of mostly wood. Very expensive and strong wood but wood. The inside are hallways with doors on either end. There are multiple levels and he and Snori climb up various stairs until they reach the top floor. Loki follows Snori all the way to the end of the hall to the last door on the right. Snori takes out a small key to open the door and usher Loki in ahead of him. The apartment is relatively small.
When he walks in the kitchen is directly to his right. Just behind the kitchen is a small dining area with no more than two chairs. Further in the apartment is a sitting area and two doors to the left that presumably lead to a bedroom and bathroom. Loki stands in the center uncomfortably. Until Snori comes in and ushers him to take a seat on one of the couches. Snori then disappears to the kitchen area. Loki doesn’t know what to do so he looks out the window. It overlooks a small courtyard for the servant. Many couples are wandering around, staring into each other's eyes. There are some kids running around with sticks, pretending to be warriors. Soon, Snori comes back holding two cups. He hands one to Loki and he accepts. He takes a sip to find its tea, similar to the tea he’d drink with his mother.
“You know, I still remember the first time I met you,” Snori says suddenly. Loki’s eyes snap to him curiously. “Prince Thor had just begun his lesson but you were still a bit young to join him yet. But you were restless so your mother took you with her to the library. She told you that all of your questions could be answered there and that when I met you. You spent that day asking me hundreds of questions, whatever popped into your head. I knew that you would be a scholar when you grew up. You were always so curious about the world.” The faintest of smiles played at Loki’s lip for a second. He was told quite often of how he would annoy anyone he met with all of his questions. His mother used to say that it was adorable and that it made her proud at how smart her son would be one day. Snori chuckles at the memory, drawing Loki back to their conversation. Well, not really a conversation, he hasn’t talked since last night. Or was it earlier that morning?
“I’m sorry about earlier,” Loki eventually responds. He’s not sure what else to say or do at this point. He would follow anyone anywhere so long as they gave him direction at this point.
“You have nothing to apologize for. After everything that has happened to you recently I am surprised you didn’t break down like that at the peer,” Snori replies kindly. Loki looks at him curiously.
“Were you following me?” he asks eventually. He doesn’t really care ultimately but it is still a bit weird. It starts as a smile but soon enough Snori is bending over laughing. Loki doesn’t know how to feel about that. He uncomfortably takes another sip of his tea, a part of him wanting to go back to the bilgesnipe idea but for a completely different reason. Snori, soon enough, does settle down. He seems to take note of Loki’s discomfort then. “I am sorry, it’s just… everyone noticed you by the peer. You freaked a few people out actually. No one was expecting you there. And you wouldn’t move from your spot for so long.” Snori shook his head at his own words. “I guess you were too lost in your emotions to notice.”
“I’ve… had a trying time recently,” Loki says eventually. Snori offers a sympathetic smile.
“I know,” he says. It is silent for a while as Snori brings out something for them to eat. Loki goes back to watching out the window. After about a half an hour Snori begins to speak again. “I require an apprentice at my job or at least an assistant. It’s not the most exciting thing but all who work in the palace are given a place to stay in the apartments. That is, if you're interested.” Loki couldn’t believe his ears. Was he of all people being offered a job? A job and a place to stay. He didn’t know why Snori would do such a thing or if Loki should trust him but this is probably the best offer he’ll ever receive.
“Yes, I-I would be,” he stumbles. “Thank you,” he adds after a thought. Snori smiles kindly enough than leans back on his couch.
“Alright then finish up your food and get yourself together. We have a long day of work ahead of us,” Snori replies. Loki’s only response is to nod and try not to cry. Hours ago he was at rock bottom and now, he’s still not sure where he is. He just knows that, for now at least, he’s not alone.
***
Ever since the first time he was brought here, he always loved the library. He loved learning. It was like an adventure to understand as much as he could about the entire universe. Working in the library however, well it wasn’t as much fun. Most of the time he was just categorizing books and putting them back where they belonged. If someone came into the library, they wouldn’t talk to him. There was also cleaning and organizing and few other menial jobs. All and all, it was rather boring. However, it did come with its benefits. So long as he was responsible and put the books back he could take out and read as many as he liked. He also had more time to read and didn't have an annoying older brother knocking at his door. Then again, he never would again.
Loki would be lying if he said that he didn’t miss his brother. The sentimental oaf that he was never truly lost hope in him. He would claim otherwise but Loki could tell that he was just lashing out in anger as he always has. A part of him desperately wants to see his brother again. Another part is scared of the outcome. There is part of him that still holds anger and resentment but that fire has been well and truly snuffed out. It is no more than smoke and ash at this point. He can’t feel angry. He can’t feel anything, except for grief, loneliness, and a longing for something that would never be fulfilled.
At the end of his first work day, after Snori had showed him around, he got him an apartment in the servants apartments. There were various buildings and unfortunately, Loki did not end up in the same one as Snori. This one seemed a bit lower class than his. Snori claimed that was simply because they didn’t have enough room in the nicer apartment houses but Loki knew better. He may have lost some very important parts of himself but he still could see a lie. He was given this apartment because it wasn’t nice. Because people wanted him to suffer. He can’t say that he could bring himself to care. It’s been a few years since he lived in his old chambers when he was a Prince. It’s been a long time since he had a place he could actually call home. The very idea of having one at all put a faint smile on his face.
His apartment was placed at the far end of the first floor. When he opened the door, he did not feel pain or anger like most were probably expecting. Instead, he felt joy. Absolute happiness at having a place to call him. His home.
The moment he walked in, there was a small kitchen area to his right. He did not know how to cook yet but the idea somehow seemed enticing. He never cared when he was a Prince but now he wanted to understand this life more. If nothing else, his curiosity was keeping him going and that was fine for now. Right next to the kitchen was not a sitting area but in fact a small bedroom. There is a chair with a table, supposedly to entertain guests or simply to eat at. How the setting was small and barely fit the room. There was a wardrobe and a bed. Loki didn’t have that many clothes or possessions anymore so the lack of space was not bothersome. He is used to it by now. There is only one other door that leads to a small bathroom that at least has everything he needs for the morning.
The only other part of the room to make note of would be the window, however there is no courtyard to look out on, only the golden walls of the gates of the Asgardian royal palace. His commute to work would be longer than Snori’s but he didn’t mind. For the first time in a long time, he had something that was his. He had a home to return to. He had a life of his own. It wasn’t much and it was far from what he once knew. But it was everything to him. He only hoped that this chance would be different. However long it took and however hard he had to work he will make things right for his mother. He will try to make her proud. It’s all he has left.