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The edge of the rocks were covered in blood as Jake looked down upon them. Rolling water washed over his feet, but the crimson would not subside. What the hell?
He looked around, panicking as nothing but a vast empty ocean came into view. Jake was alone. He touched his neck where his com unit usually sits, but only felt skin. He called for his skimwing, yet nothing would come to him.
I’ve seen these rocks before.
This isn’t by blood,
this isn’t my blood,
this isn’t my…
Oh no.
Jake peeled his eyes from the ground once more. A young boy now appeared before him, torso covered in the same crimson that began painting the sea. Neteyam’s eyes were fading, becoming dull even with eclipse setting in.
“Dad…” he murmured, stumbling back.
“No. No no no no.”
Breaking away from where his feet were planted, he rushed to his bleeding boy just before his balance was lost. Jake lay him gently against the rocks and pushed his hands into the open wound that cratered his chest.
“Please God, no.” He choked out hopelessly. “Not again…”
“Dad, I…”
“Shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’ll take you home. I’m gonna get you home.”
Jake began to sputter, screaming out as loud as he could into the ocean for help, for Neytiri, for Lo’ak, for Eywa. Nothing. Taking his son’s back off the cold rocks, he moved Neteyam to lay against his chest and secured both hands over the wound once again.
“I’m gonna take you home…”
He rocked his boy back and forth as they sat together, watching the sun disappear from his eyes as it dipped behind the great Polyphemus. For the first time since coming to Pandora, Jake truly felt the weight of his past shoot clear into his body.
Neteyam opened his mouth once more.
“Dad…” he struggled.
“Don’t, kid. I’m gonna get you out-“
“Why did you do this to me?”
No…
The marui was dark, oddly peaceful, filled with the near silence of the night. Jake’s eyes opened in a flash as he felt a deep weight in his chest. Soft light emanated from the world outside into his home, the presence of other souls filling his senses. He heard rhythmic breathing from all around.
He felt a shifting on his right arm, turning to see his wife sound asleep, her head nestling into his bicep. Jake took a deep breath in through his nose and trailed it out from his mouth, calming his heartbeat as his youngest son once taught him.
Slowly, he inched his arm from beneath Neytiri’s sleeping form and sat upright. He tried harder to control his breath, burying his face in his hands after the dreadful nightmare. Two weeks had passed since laying his boy to rest, and he was plagued with the same recurring images nearly every night.
Quietly rising from beside his mate, Jake began to make his rounds of checking on the kids since the night on the ship. On the opposite side of their home, Kiri held Tuk close as the girls were deep in slumber. He crouched beside them, taking in the sight. Unfortunately, Tuk had also suffered from nightmares after living through one in her young age. Jake was grateful to his eldest daughter for insisting comforting her, not allowing anyone else to step in.
Just then, his attention was taken by another figure twitching further away. He saw Lo’ak with his knees pulled to his chest, shivering as he slept closest to the pod’s entrance. The boy hadn’t properly rested for quite some time. He often found his son awake and staring drearily into the waves outside. It broke Jake’s heart to think this might be the first time sleep had taken over him days. Rising once again, he rummaged to find a thin hand-woven blanket Neytiri had made years prior. Jake felt slight gusts of wind hit him as he lay the cloth over his shivering boy. He welcomed the salty breeze as it grounded him further away from his nightmare.
Ever so gently, he rested a hand against Lo’ak’s head until the shivering began to subside.
It felt empty to him, only seeking out three children. The open space in the corner, where a sleeping mat once lay, sent a coldness up Jake’s spine as it had for many nights now. He knew, deep within his soul, that space would occupy him until his dying day. But for now, he tried to keep a brave face for his family as they continued to mourn. That was one thing he mastered from his time as a marine in his past life, hiding the emotion in moments of battle- this being the worst he’ll ever fight.
The waves called to him, a pull he felt since laying Neteyam to rest on the shallow sea floor. Wading in the water alone washed him of a deep-rooted loneliness he felt in the night, one that was soon followed by the guilt of knowing he couldn’t be completely whole--even with his family sleeping close by.
Jake shifted through his home’s opening, stepping through the knitted walkways toward the beach. He rubbed his eyes, adjusting to the bright creatures that illuminated the world, but also to subside any weariness he had suffered from past sleepless nights.
He had grown used to the pain of the recurring images. He awoke screaming the first time, having dozed of during the day. It worried Neytiri sick. A large part of him was glad the kids were out at the reef then, preparing himself for what to anticipate in the night so as to not scare them.
Nearly at the end of the pathway, he felt the cloth lightly bouncing beneath him from behind, a familiar presence inching toward him.
“Ma Jake…” she said in a hushed voice, mindful of the other homes around.
He stopped and turned to her, Neytiri’s eyes also painted with exhaustion and a deeper restlessness, although not as heavy as his.
“I didn’t mean to wake you-”
“You did not.” She reached a hand to his cheek, feeling his warmth tilting into her skin. “I did so myself.”
Letting out a deep sigh, he took her other hand in his, running a thumb over her fingers.
“Was it this dream again?”
With a simple nod in response, Jake found it difficult now to face her being engulfed by the blame he set upon himself. Neytiri knew this, not only from their previous discussions, but from the unspoken words she could feel in his touch.
“May I come with you?” She whispered, tilting his gaze back to her.
“Please…” he pleaded in a low breath.
Intertwining their fingers, Neytiri took the lead through the end of the pathway and onto the cool sand. Beyond the village trees the sound of waves lightly beating the shore came into earshot. The couple hadn’t properly had time to sit in each other’s company as the last few days were spent in preparation of another impending battle. Neytiri sent word to her mother in the forest as Jake and Tonowari warned other surrounding tribes. The whole world felt in disarray.
Stopping on a dry patch before the water, Neytiri pulled herself behind Jake, allowing him to lay his back against her chest. The tide was low, drawing hypnotically in and out of shore. From within the shallows, the reef bloomed in hues of purples, blues, pinks, yellows. He couldn’t comprehend how so much beauty surrounded him-- the world his eyes could never get enough of, the woman he loved resting her chin on his shoulder-- but inside torched a never ending fire that blackened his heart and soul.
“They will keep returning, my love.” Neytiri whispered earnestly. Words he didn’t want to hear but knew were true. She always managed to speak only such. “You told me before that I am needed with you. Now, you are needed with me. You have not cried.”
He hasn’t. Not since their first visit to the spirit tree—even then it wasn’t much. But he didn’t feel anything within him to cry while his family needed strength.
“You know why I haven’t.” He replied, voice strained with sorrow.
“But it is not fair. We have taken our time, even Lo’ak sleeps now. I have shed my nightmares, you have not. They will continue to burden you unless you release. You must.” She reached her arm around his torso and rested a hand upon his heart, eerily similar to how Jake held Neteyam in his dream. “You have been strong, but are you not tired?”
There.
He felt it then.
This revelation hit him before she could even finish the words. Jake was tired of being strong. Throughout his whole life he kept some level of hardness in his demeanor as if his existence depended on it. Nobody had given him permission to break.
Now, permission was granted by the one person he’d accept it from.
Tears pooled over his cheeks in silence, something Neytiri felt in his breathing. She placed her forehead against his temple as he reached to wipe at his chin. Jake fought the marine in him, forcing sobs out as they came.
All of the pent-up emotion in the raging fire began to pour from the depths: guilt, anger, grief, emptiness. His son was gone from the real world, as was his growing mind, his passion, his soft laughter. None of it felt the same at the spirit tree. It wasn’t physical, wasn’t entirely whole.
Both hands came to his face now, closing him off from the rest of the world as they lay there on the beach.
“Release, my Jake.” Neytiri whispered again, further tightening her arms around him.
“I- I’m sorry…” he managed to choke out.
“Kehe. Do not blame yourself. Do not apologize. This is not weakness. It must be done-“
His voice began to crack, but he bested out a bit louder. “I do blame myself. I shouldn’t have brought you here. We should’ve stayed in the forest, fought, done something, I don’t know. I shouldn’t have been so hard on them, I should’ve warned you about Hometree earlier, I should’ve stayed away from you-“
Neytiri shushed him, gently pulling his head into the crook of her neck. “You may spend your whole life in questions. Do not allow them to consume you. It is not your fault. I shall choose you in any lifetime, with suffering or with peace.”
The two of them stayed there on the beach well into the night, holding each other as Jake allowed grief and mourning to envelope him. Once again she was right. He needed to cry, to open his heart more than he allowed before, to let strength mean something different for a few hours.
Upon returning to their marui with his eyes bloodshot and face tear stained, he looked once again to his children, unmoving in their deep sleep. Neytiri looked to him with a plea of peace to not worry for them. Pulling on his arm, he lay down on their shared mat and allowed himself to bury his face once again into her neck, eyes closed.
He did not experience any more nightmares that night, not even a single dream. Jake slept in silence with his family, the waves soothing all as Neteyam lulled them, finally, beneath the water.