Chapter Text
“Okay, do we have any other plans?”
For the last two and a half hours, a handful of prisoners from Japanifornia State Prison Complex had been planning a jail break. Unfortunately, despite almost getting away with murder in most of their cases, their combined IQ was probably that of the prison’s room temperature.
“Hm, bail, perhaps?” Richard mused, because the trust fund nepo baby did.
“No use. Who has enough money to bail out almost 20 people?” Lana asked. “Murderers and accomplices, no less?”
Redd White smiled in his usual conceited, cocky way. “I’m exquisterately wealthatious, I’m sure I have enough to bail all of us out and buy us each a splentacular mansion to live in for the rest of our days.” he bragged.
“Yeah, but since you’re in jail now, you’re basically back to zero.” Mimi explained. “I think that’s how it works. Not too sure.”
“My parents are ri–”
“We know, Wellington.” Every single person instantly cut him off in unison.
“Okay, what else…Oh! White, can’t you and May do that thing that you guys do that got us that packet of UNO cards last month?” Sahwit suggested.
White shook his head. “No use. It appears I have run out of blackmail on those guards.”
“And there’s only so many times you can flirt with them before it gets, you know….”
Dahlia, who had been lost in thought the entire time, finally spoke up. “I’ve been spending the past six month finding faults and weak spots with the prison’s security. If we were to exploit–”
“...and you didn’t bring this up, why?” Godot raised a valid point. “We’ve been here for three hours.”
Morgan hushed him. “Let her speak, good sir.”
Dahlia began explaining her plan to everyone– it sounded like a ton of work but Dahlia was convinced that they could manage to complete the plan by the end of the week. It was a Saturday.
The first part of the plan was to somehow subtly destroy all forms of security.
As Dahlia had previously figured out, the only way for somebody to get into the security room as through a vent in prison cell 32-B. The thing was, somebody had to climb through said vent. The group decided that since Dahlia was the shortest inmate there, it should be her that climbed through; it was her idea anyway.
There was, however, one major problem.
Even though the men and the women of the prison had to do most things together due to some budget issues, the cell blocks were separated, with the west block being for the men and the east for the women. Dahlia was a woman, which obviously put a hole into their plan.
Problem one was sneaking Dahlia past the guards. However, there were certainly some ideas going around.
“We could pretend she’s…some sort of inanimate object?” Wellington was 100% serious. And that was terrible.
“I can’t even begin to list what’s wrong with that plan.” Vasquez muttered.
April clasped her hands together a little too loudly. “Oh! Oh! Mr. White!!” she started explaining semi-feverishly. “Remember that one time like, a billion years ago, where i had to hide in a suitcase for an undercover investigation?”
“Hm. The one where I had to negotiate a giantatious bribe due to the fact that we got found out because you couldn’t stop giggling? I do seem to remember. Wait.” He immediately stood up. “I just came up with the most magniferous idea. We hide her in a suitcase!”
Lana shook her head. “That’s no good. They’ll think you’re smuggling contraband.”
“We could just distract the guard.” Mimi pondered. “Someone could pretend to have a real bad leg injury. They’ll get escorted to the nurse, and while they’re distracted, we get Dahlia to the cell.”
“Oh my god, Mimi! That’s totally smart! Okay, I can pretend to have hit my head and be real dizzy. Like, concussion dizzy.” April explained. “They’ll help me out and while they’re distracted they’ll be super unfocused. We’ll meet in the cafeteria once the plan’s done with.”
—----------------------
And so, the plan begun.
April stood in front of the guard clutching her head, looking dazed. “Oh, Mr. Guard…” she complained in a voice a couple octaves higher than her normal speaking voice. The voice she did when she needed to charm some idiot man into giving her his credit card information.
“M-may! What’s the issue?” The guard, Warren Denn instantly rushed to her.
“Silly me wasn’t looking where I was going and I knocked my poor little head into a doorframe!” Hopefully Denn would overlook the fact that Miss May stood 5’2 and was incapable of reaching the prisons doorframes. “You don’t suppose you could help me to the nurses office? I’m just so scared of fainting, sir!” April tried to suppress a smirk. Her charms worked on pretty much every man she came across. Prison wardens were no exception. That, compared with the fact that her ex-boss had a ton of blackmail on them was basically a free ticket to getting practically anything she wanted.
“At once, Miss May!” The incompetent halfwit of a warden offered an arm for April to lean on as he took her to the nurse.
As soon as the coast was 100% clear, the inhabiatats of the cell with the vent, Matt and Richard, along with Dahlia, snuck into the cell.
“How am I gonna get up? I can’t climb up this wall.”
Engarde frowned. “Dude…it’s useless, what’re we gonna do?”
“Wait.” Richard stopped. “Get onto my shoulders.”
“Hmm, and how can I trust you won’t fall, bringing us both to the ground? For someone who’s so obsessed with first-rate things, your ideas so far have been pretty third rate.”
“Hmph! Fine! Get on Matt’s shoulders then.”
“Or-” Godot piped up, leaning on the doorframe, “We could use the chair that’s right in front of you people.”
The three of them looked around each other in collective shock and agreement as Dahlia got up and into the vents. “Ugh, it’s so cramped in here. It smells like cheese, too.”
“Quit your griping, Dahlia.” Godot took a sip of his coffee.
Dahlia’s complaining got more and more muffled as she climbed further down the vents and eventually landed in a security room.
Since Dahlia had spent six months worrying about this room, she could instantly shut off security in a discreet way.
That was part one of the plan complete.
Now the thing was, the next stage of the plan was on paper, to distract the guards. But distract the guards how? There were an abundance of guards, and it’s not like April’s fake concussion was going to get a whole horde of guards helping her.
However, Richard had a brilliant plan. While helicopters came up in casual conversation between Iris and Atmey, a sort of lightbulb went off in his brain– you see, Richard’s older brother Preston owned a helicopter. If he could get his personal assistant to crash the helicopter into the side of the prison, that could certainly cause a distraction. So, during the time of day when the inmates were allowed to make phone calls, he dashed to the phone with his expectations high.
“My dear brother,” He opened. “Do you remember that one instance in high school where I kept my mouth shut about you sneaking out to go to that party with the champagne fountain? I would like to be paid back now, please.”
“Ah, Richard. I did appreciate that. What do you need?”
“Remember how you were talking about hiring an assassin to assasinate a certain butler of yours? Well, I have a perfect, and less costly way to do it.”
—---------
The sound of helicopters whirring above the prison meant one thing: they were about to kiss this place goodbye.
Of course, it would eventually crash, and while the guards investigated, the lot of them started escaping out the other side. If they escaped out the side of the wall with a huge hole in it, the guards would obviously notice and send them back into the prison.
Matt was dismantling the spiky wire thingies while Mimi used a rope to climb up. Wellington was trying to scale up the walls but failing miserably, falling pathetically onto his head. White and April were trying to do a duet of Breaking Free from High School Musical, White being slightly off key and off time due to having never watched High School Musical as it came out when he was a fully grown adult, with April singing it absolutely perfectly because she grew up on that shit. Everyone else was either contributing or doing the very opposite of contributing, but they were definitely probably getting somewhere!
It took about an hour, but eventually, everybody was out of the prison. As soon as they had gotten a safe distance away, they all started cheering and celebrating and high fiving and hugging and wooping and holding hands. After that whole thing was doneand reality had set in, they actually needed a plan.
And that’s where they were stuck. Due to still technically being prisoners, no one had any shit. Including houses. Which was a real shame, because they could really use White’s mansion right about now.
After about 15 minutes of calling a bunch of people, they finally got an offer– a man White blackmailed was still absolutely terrified of the guy, and therefore offered up a spare apartment to live rent-free in. He claimed it could probably house the 19 of them comfortably/
And so began the start of something. Whether it was the start of something great, who was to tell?