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Chapter Text

"Did you just drink in college?" - Bruce

"Nah. I did other stuff...like the time I took an anxiety medication--that was probably the equivalent of a horse tranquilizer now that I think about it--but yeah, and then I entered the fifth dimension of sleepwalking." - Tony

"...what." - Clint, Steve, James/"Bucky"

"Yeah. According to Rhodey, I had a dissociative fit from Hell and was confused why him and John weren't my fellow Jedi Knights who were supposed to go with me to stop a Sith Lord from wreaking all kinds of havoc on a planet of purple cat people." - Tony

"Note: he's leavin' out the part-a this 3AM experience, where he broke down hysterically cryin', while gesturin' wildly at a pillow, an' shoutin' that he 'ad no clue what it was." - John

"I'm...kind of concerned about why you needed the anxiety medication to start with." - Bruce

"So am I." - Sam

"Don't ask." - Tony, James/"Rhodey", John

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"So, you and Rhodey were roommates? And John moved in with you two after you became friends with him?" - Steve

"Pretty much. We got along pretty good to be honest...and the prank wars were awesome. Oh, like this one time, John mixed me up a Long Island Iced Tea...and never told me, at the time, that there was alcohol in it." - Tony

"Dumbass 'ere downed the equivalent-a ten shots-a liquor in under ten minutes. Was kinda terrifyin'." - John

"...what." - Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Steve, Sam, James/"Bucky"

"It was good, okay? And the second one was even better." - Tony

"Then I come in to Tones belting out "Turn The Page", wearing just his boxers and John's trenchcoat." - Rhodey

"...what." - Clint

"Don't worry. He got me back a week later, durin' one-a my naps, when he got DUM-E to help him put me in the bathtub when it was full-a margarita mix an' lime slices." - John

"I even salted the tub rim for him." - Tony

"And I stopped questioning what these two dumbasses did in our apartment when I wasn't there." - Rhodey

"I smelt like margaritas an' limes for a solid week." - John

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"Back in college, Tony read somethin' that explained that capsaicin makes your mouth feel like it's burnin' 'cause it makes the "ouch, too hot" nerve-endin's more sensitive. Later, he read that menthol does the same thing, just with makin' things feel cold. An' what exactly was your brilliant idea after that?" - John

"I hypothesized that if I ate a habanero pepper, followed up with a bunch of breath mints, that the two'd cancel each other out and I'd be fine." - Tony

"...what." - Clint, Steve, Sam, James/"Bucky"

"I...am horrified. What the hell?" - Bruce

"Tony. Stark." - Natasha

"Yeah. Few minutes later, me and John hear Tones yell out from the kitchen "guess what hellfire tastes like", then there's just these horrifying sounds that John compared to the actual resurrected dead." - Rhodey

"And that's how I learned that the "too hot" and "too cold" nerve-endings are completely different sets of nerves." - Tony

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"Okay...so, I gotta know about the vacuum." - Clint

"Well, Tony 'ad the day off classes an' I was doin' jackshit as I do, so Rhodey asked us to get the dishes an' the vacuumin' done while he was in class. Tony offered to handle the vacuum an', thinkin' nothin' of it, I did the dishes then headed off to alternate 'tween takin' a nap an' playin' my guitar. Bit later, fire alarm's goin' apeshit an' there's this glass shatterin' sound. I race out to the livin' room, meetin' Tony who's runnin' in with a fire extinguisher, an' DUM-E's with him an' also carryin' in a fire extinguisher--" - John

"For fuck's sake...and for the last time! I didn't know that the vacuum wouldn't move on its own! If I'd known that, then I wouldn't have left it running for six hours." - Tony

"...what." - Steve, Sam, James/"Bucky"

"You...you're fucking with me, right?" - Clint

"Tony. Stark." - Natasha and Bruce

"So, to recap, Tones set the carpet on fire and somehow that triggered the vacuum to launch itself through the window and almost impale Tiberius Stone--" - Rhodey

"An' what a right shame it was that the vacuum didn't aim just a bit further to the left an' actually hit 'im." - John

"Impaling people on vacuums should not bring you joy." - Tony

"He deserves it." - John

"Anyway, as I was saying: carpet on fire, window smashed, vacuum totaled, Stone nearly impaled...then John saw Stone and took it on himself to put on a hockey mask and grab a cricket bat--still don't know where you got those from, by the way--and then proceeded to take a flying leap out the window and chase Stone all over campus while screaming threats and/or insults in what I'm pretty sure was Latin." - Rhodey

"I...feel as if there is an entirely different tale to be told there." - Thor

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"Why is Tony not allowed to use the microwave without supervision?" - Steve

"Dumbass set a lemon on fire." - John

"That answers nothing and raised a lot more questions." - Steve and James/"Bucky"

"How do you set a lemon on fire with a microwave?" - Bruce

"Put the lemon in the microwave and ran it on high for forty minutes." - Tony

"Okay, now answer the 'why'." - Natasha

"I heard that boiling lemons helps to cover up bad smells and we didn't have any pots. And I needed to cover up the smell of burnt oranges, so that was the whole reason." - Tony

"How did you burn an orange?!" - Clint

"Microwaved that on high for forty minutes." - John

Chapter Text

"Tell 'em 'bout the Professor with the thermos." - John

"Oh...yes. Okay, so for this one class I had this professor, right? One day, he comes storming into the room and slams a thermos down on his desk while glaring at all of us like he's trying to set us on fire with just his brain. Then he says to us: "There's more pressure in my sinuses, right now, than there is at the bottom of the ocean. This thing's full of NyQuil and I'm gonna drink it while I teach, and when all of your heads're replaced by swirling rainbows, I'll cancel the rest of class. Salute". Class lasted for seventeen minutes." - Tony

"The...your professor was trying to fight God!" - Clint

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"Were all of your professors insane?" - Steve

"Uh...well, there was one who demanded that all of us sign a contract the first day of class--I don't really remember what it was for, but I'm pretty sure it involved no food, drinks, and-or working on "experimental technology" in the classroom. So, anyway, I'm sitting there sketching out some casing designs for DUM-E's chassis--I was actually sober at the time, so I remember it pretty clearly--and the professor starts yelling at me that I needed to turn my designs over to him 'cause I was violating the contract, so I said "Contracts signed by minors are legally non-binding" and continued working." - Tony

"To answer the question...he was sixteen." - James/"Rhodey"

"An' already a master of findin' loopholes even if he still got detention." - John

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"One of my professors was cool as hell." - Tony

"Oh? Why?" - Bruce

"During class one time, dude looked at us and said "I'm worried. All of you look exhausted and depressed" and we're all like "Yeah. We're dead inside, didn't you notice?" and then he just slammed the textbook shut and threw his hands up in the air and shouted "No! That's not healthy! No more lesson! Time for dancing!" and then this old Arabic dude pulled us all to the front of class and taught us this dance from Iraq and we all danced instead of learning physics. Best part was that we didn't stop dancing until he saw us all laughing and was satisfied that we were all feeling better at getting a break from all the college stress." - Tony

"That...that was an awesome teacher. Do you still know the dance?" - Clint

"Yeah. It's fun to break into when I'm so stressed I want to throttle someone ala Homer Simpson." - Tony

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"There was this time in a class where our professor stopped his lecture and just stared at us before sighing and slumping his shoulders, then said "I'm so sick. I don't feel like being here today", so one girl said "We can cancel class", and dude looked so pitiful when he said "If I don't teach, I don't get paid. I need the money", so I asked "What if all of us gave you ten to twenty dollars right now?"." - Tony

"Wait, seriously?" - Bruce

"Yeah. I actually gave the guy a couple hundreds instead of two tens, but still. At least he got to go rest." - Tony

"That was very nice of you actually." - Steve

"Why are people so surprised when I do nice things?" - Tony

Chapter Text

"What's the weirdest thing that you saw in college?" - Steve

"Don't know about "weirdest" since I was, you know, drunk 90% of the time after a certain point...but there was this time when a wasp--or was it a hornet? I don't remember--but anyway, it got into the classroom and everyone started freaking out and then this scrawny guy in the back yells out "I got this" and pulls out a freaking rubber band from nowhere and just shoots the bug down in one try from the back of the room." - Tony

(pause for realization to set in)

"Clint!! Did you ever go to MIT?!?!" - Steve and Tony

"No!! But what I just overheard sounds cool as hell!" - Clint

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"Okay, so, back in college, some of the professors had this little policy where, if you got to class--even if it was after time for class to start--but you still got there before the teacher did, you wouldn't be marked absent. Pretty cool little policy to be honest." - Tony

"Okay? Yeah. Seems so." - Bruce

"So, anyway, one day, this girl in our class is running late as hell, when she saw the professor right at the entrance in front of her and, apparently, he just smiled and tapped his watch like "Guess who's late" and went inside." - Tony

"Not really--" - Clint

"Stop interruptin' an' wait for the punchline like a good boy." - John

"Thanks. Like I was saying, so professor smiles and goes inside, and the girl is outside and, well, this girl was freakishly good at bouldering and other climbing skills so she pretty much said "fuck it" and freaking scaled the building to get to our classroom on the fourth floor. Dude in class almost pissed himself when she knocked on the window to be let in. So, we let her in and girl, shit you not, rolls through the window and scrambles into her seat five seconds before the professor opened the door. Professor did a double-take and started to say "How the hell--" but he was interrupted by this red-faced security guard stumbling in through the door, huffing and puffing and panting, and the guard just pointed at the girl and yelled "STOP DOING THAT" before we had to offer the poor guy a seat so he didn't die." - Tony

"NAT!!! Were you ever at MIT?!?!" - Clint

"No, but I am mildly impressed." - Natasha

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"You know, I heard so much crazy shit in college...like the time a chem major sprinted into the cafeteria, in full lab coat, to grab food and, when people got mad at him for cutting in line, guy screamed "You don't understand! I don't have time! My experiment's gonna catch fire!"." - Tony

"Did he at least prevent the fire?" - Bruce

"Well, the school didn't get evacuated, so I guess he did." - Tony

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"There was this time in the labs, I was minding my own business when I heard this loud pop sound then a guy just say, in perfect deadpan, "well, that was painful" followed by a girl, who just sounded so done with life, going "what the fuck did you do now?", so I looked over and this whole group are now frantically pulling on gloves and safety goggles. I picked up my stuff and made my exit just as a few came out to grab more fire extinguishers." - Tony

"What exactly were they doing?" - Clint and Bruce

"You know, to this day, I have no freaking clue." - Tony

"You know...military's looking more and more like it was my right choice." - Sam

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"Okay, so any other weird college experiences?" - Bruce

"Hm...oh! One time, I enrolled in a Gender and Sexuality class--more so out of curiosity at the time, but still--and the first day, the professor had everyone chant "VAGINA! PENIS! VAGINA!" so everyone'd be comfortable saying the words--which, retrospect, funny as hell--and this girl just slowly stood up and said "This...this isn't math class" then did the most awkward walk out of the classroom." - Tony

"I'm honestly more surprised that I'm not surprised that you enrolled in that class." - Bruce

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"You know, this kinda reminds me of the time in college when there was this guy just eating a bag of burritos in the third row, and roughly thirty-five minutes into class the professor called on the guy to answer a question and Burrito-Dude just went "I'd love to answer but I just realized that this isn't Honors Environmental Economics" and stood up and left." - Tony

"Those must've been damn good burritos if it took thirty-five minutes to realize he was in the wrong class." - Clint

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"How many times did random people end up in the wrong classes?" - Steve

"I'm wondering the same thing." - James/"Bucky"

"Too many. Like this one time, during an 8AM class--note: I was already drinking so much coffee by that time I was about to go to warp so bear with me--and halfway through the lecture, this guy just calmly stood up from his table, cut off the professor, and said--in the most exasperated, defeated tone I've still ever heard to date--"My class is at 8 at night. This isn't my class. I don't...I don't need to be here" then he just walked out like just being there had zapped away his will to live." - Tony

"I...that is honestly sad." - Steve

"I know. I still feel terrible for that poor guy." - Tony

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"One time, in class, there was this guy sitting like five seats from me and he just kept bending to the side reaching into his bag. Professor cut off her lecture and demanded that he hand over whatever was so interesting in his bag or he was gonna be sent to the office and dude literally pulls out, shit you not, a whole bucket of fried chicken." - Tony

"...How did no one not smell the fried chicken before he pulled the bucket out of the bag?" - Clint

"All of us were too dead to smell anything. Though I did demand that John and Rhodey take me to get fried chicken after that class." - Tony

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"I don't really drink Slurpees." - Tony

"Why? Too sweet for you?" - Clint

"No. In college, we had a Slurpee machine for about two weeks, but they had to take it out after someone poured toxic chemicals into it in an attempt to poison--if not murder--a girl who'd been stringing along ten guys so they'd do all of her work for her." -Tony

"...what." - Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Thor, Steve, Sam, James/"Bucky"

"Pretty sure the chemicals were stolen from one of the science labs now that I think about it." - Tony

"And people say college is borin', when really it's chemical warfare, espionage, an' emotional drama." - John

Chapter Text

"Okay...so...I have to know. How did you three actually meet in a barfight?" - Clint

"Oh, well...so it started with Platypus taking me to the bar--" - Tony

"Because Tones needed a night out after the debacle that was Stone...which, by the way, when I'm not on active duty...he dies." - James/"Rhodey"

"Honey Bear, Light of my Life...let it go. I'm fine and a somewhat functional adult, so no murder." - Tony

"If the rest-a ya wanna 'ave a go at Stone, then please feel free. I'll help ya with the murder an' the body hidin'." - John

"Okay, no, Jo-Jo Rocket. We've talked about this! No murder and no hiding a body by dropping it into Hell!" - Tony

"You talked. I was goin' through the Sex Pistol's backcatalogue." - John

"Okay...look, we'll unpack all of that other story about why Tiberius Stone apparently needs to die--" - Steve

"No, we won't." - Tony // "Yes, we will." - James/"Rhodey" and John

"--But I really need the whole barfight story right now." - Steve

"Same." - Clint and James/"Bucky"

"Right, fine, okay, whatever...well, anyway, we were at the bar and eventually some guys started talking shit as drunk guys do, and they started talking it at me--" - Tony

"And we all know Tony has a mouth with a death wish." - Bruce

"Brucie Bear! I am hurt!" - Tony

"Someone will be if someone doesn't finish this story." - Clint

"Anyway, the guys started talking shit to Tony and Tony pretty much returned fire as he does, and one of them took the first swing...and that guy's jaw had a nice date with my fist, then the powder keg exploded and it's Buzzed-Me and Tipsy-Tony going toe-to-toe with about nine drunk guys and the number steadily rising..." - James/"Rhodey"

"Then I look up from where I'm sittin' to see Jamie there channelin' his inner Bruce Lee while Tony's turned into all three-a the Stooges at once an' I think, "welp, self, maybe we ought-a give 'em a hand, right", so I get up an' I bring my barstool down on one bloke's back an' then the whole place's just pandemonium, which, in retrospect's the story-a my life to be completely fair." - John

"We'll unpack that last part later, but yeah that's about what happened. Best parts were when Rhodey, shit you not, blocked a freaking chair shot with his arm then put a guy through a table, while John literally dropkicked a guy from the bar and took a bottle to another guy's knees." - Tony

"All the while, Tony's over there, on top-a some wanker, tryin' to beat the guy to death with a paper napkin." - John

"Uh...wait, I apologize for my interruption, but...can you "beat someone to death" with a paper napkin?" - Thor

"It's possible" - Natasha // "It would take a lot of work." - James/"Bucky"

(pause for everyone to look at Natasha and James/"Bucky" curiously)

"Uh huh, okay...so we end up getting chucked out of the bar and Tony just grabs John's trenchcoat and pulls him over to both of us, then proceeds to talk his ears off about the fight and I-don't-remember-what-else, while dragging him home with us, and somewhere between the bar and our apartment, we exchanged names and, by the weekend, John was living on our couch." - James/"Rhodey"

"An' the rest's history." - John

"So...just to make sure I understand this chaos...Tony basically just grabbed him after the barfight and took him home like he's grabbing a stray animal off the street?" - Sam

"Yeah, pretty much." - Tony, James/"Rhodey", John

"Makes sense to me." - Thor

Chapter Text

"Okay, so, Rhodey. I have to ask. What the hell happened in Vegas?" - Clint

"Huh? You mean the time Tony and John kidnapped me the weekend before graduation and took me to Vegas or...? - James/"Rhodey"

"How many times have those two kidnapped you to go to Vegas?" - Sam

"More times than my mama should ever know about." - James/"Rhodey"

"I...need to hear this." - Steve

"We all do." - everyone outside of Steve and James/"Rhodey"

"Well, like I said, me and Tones were graduating and he had the bright idea that we should spend a weekend in Vegas to celebrate, so they ambushed me outside of a building in Tony's convertible Ferrari and made a scene until I got into the passenger seat just to shut them up." - James/"Rhodey"

"...They made a scene?" - Sam

"You see those two. They are nothing but drama and it's worse when they work together." - James/"Rhodey"

"Fair. So after the scene?" - James/"Bucky"

"Right, so Tony's driving, I'm riding shotgun and regretting being friends with them, John's in the backseat with our bags--yes, they packed an overnight bag for me, and "Crazy Train" is blaring out over the speakers loud enough that I'm sure we're violating some kind of noise ordinance. Then, while we're driving, Tony tells me the plan, I complain because there is no way that we can drive to Vegas, enjoy a full weekend, and drive back to school...then John puts his hand over my shoulder and conjures up a wisp of fire while reminding me that he's a sorcerer and--" - James/"Rhodey"

"Uh...how did you forget--?" - Thor

"Don't be fooled. He may do magic all casual-like and effortlessly, but he doesn't do it very often and especially not the big stuff, so it's easy to forget. But, anyway...then John's casting and this gold light opens in front of us and Tones, he just, you know, drives right through while imitating Ric Flair--not a care in the world--and...we're dropped off just entering the strip. Portal closes behind us, John flops into his seat and lights up a cigarette. We get to the hotel, park the car, and then I find out that Tony called ahead that day and booked the freaking presidential suite for us because money talks and, apparently, Stark money talks the loudest of all." - James/"Rhodey"

"Can't say that Tony doesn't, uh, go all out at least." - Bruce

"Definitely." - Sam

"Tell me about it. So, we get settled in, then Tony shows us what he brought up from the car...he bought me and John brand new, custom-made Armani suits and says "gear up boys." and, well bit later, all three of us are dressed like extras from "The Godfather" in suits that each cost more than a car, John and Tony both belting out "Sharp Dressed Man" like the idiots they are as we're heading to the hotel lobby, and then we end up at this bar with straight liquor and Tony announcing that we're "setting a course for Blackout Island"." - James/"Rhodey"

"You literally just drank in a bar?! In Vegas?!" - Clint

"Hell no. We drank in that bar, skipped out and went to a strip club, left that after a while and made our way to a nightclub where those two dumbasses were on the dancefloor like strippers with rent due and more than one person thought I was their pimp, had more drinks, then we stole a cop car--" - James/"Rhodey"

"The fuck?!!" - Clint, Bruce, Sam, Steve, James/"Bucky" // "That escalated quickly." - Natasha

"We ditched the cop car and wound up in another bar, got into another barfight that was honestly pretty similar, in retrospect, to the one we met John in, then everything went fuzzy and black, and I wake up the next morning with the kind of hangover that makes death look appealing. Tony was naked in the bathtub with a tie around his head like Rambo, John was wearing my pants and Tony's jacket with no shirt, and there was a wall payphone laying on the couch." - James/"Rhodey"

(pause for everyone to stare incredulously at James/"Rhodey")

"Now, I don't remember where the payphone came from, only that it was high on the drunk theft scale, so I woke up the two idiots, we paid our alms to the porcelain deity, drank unholy amounts of coffee to try to sober up, John wiped down the payphone with magic then teleported it into a dumpster that he said was a block away, then we focused on trying to recoup from the hangover...then ended up in the casino where Tony and John both won a lot of money--I think John actually conned the hell out of a few people like he does--and then we barely made it back to school Monday morning only due to John's portal magic." - James/"Rhodey"

(pause for everyone to stare incredulously at James/"Rhodey")

"...I uh...need to go discuss something with, uh, Tony, and...John." - James/"Bucky"

"Buck, uh...hold that elevator." - Steve // "Wait for me!" - Clint

"All three of you get back here." - Natasha

Chapter Text

"Hey, Platypus, remember the time that real sleazy-looking guy slid up to John in the bar and asked him "On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight"?" - Tony

"And John just grabbed our drinks, said "North Korea" and dropped himself into my lap at the table we were at?" - James/"Rhodey"

"Uh...did you...and John, uh...?" - Steve

"I'm straight, so no. But I looked just a bit more intimidating than Tones back in college, so John'd act like I was his boyfriend if it got people to screw off." - James/"Rhodey"

"Oh. So...out of curiosity, what brought up the trip down memory lane?" - Steve

"'Cause I think we're gonna have a repeat performance in a minute unless someone wants to go over there." - Tony

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"Oh man, I just remembered. Back in college, it got around kinda quick that John's unrepentantly bisexual--" - Tony

"And, as he freely admits, a proud slut in general." - James/"Rhodey"

"Which, no shame. We don't kink shame in this house, unless it's something absolutely disgusting--" - Tony

"Tony. The point, please." - Steve

"Oh, right. The point. Point is, this one guy came up to him on the quad once and sneered at him--literally sneered like some kind of cut-rate comic book supervillain I tell you--"Bisexual? That just means you're desperate", and John just looks at him, blows a smoke ring into his face, and says "Bisexual means I'll happily shag a man or a woman, no problem. Desperate means I'd shag your good for nothin' arse"." - Tony

"Damn" - Clint and Bruce

"It got better." - James/"Rhodey"

"Oh yes, it did! John then just flicked his spent cigarette at the guy's nose, smirked that smirk of his, and said "An' trust me, mate, not even Bain's that desperate", then just popped his collar, grabbed me and Platypus by the arms, and literally strutted away." - Tony

"I'm surprised he didn't snap his fingers." - Natasha

"...That would have made it even better." - Tony and James/"Rhodey"

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"Okay, listen up, I'm going to tell this story before Tony and John get back. Thor, sit down for this. Okay...so, one time back in college, we were relaxing in the park in town, and by relaxing, I mean I had told Tony and John that we were going there and physically dragged them both there because they needed to get out once in a while, and Tony complained the whole time that he "didn't need sunlight and fresh air" because he was "now a vampire"--" - James/"Rhodey"

"I'd almost believe that now except for the obvious things." - Clint

"Same." - Steve, Sam

"Exactly. It was bull. John though, he was surprisingly chill outside of just saying he wanted to be "paid for his time" with a bag of chips--or, as we non-Brits call it, fries." - James/"Rhodey"

"Noted. When in doubt, ply the sorcerer with French fries." - James/"Bucky"

"Pretty much. But, anyway, we're sorta loafing at the bus stop and John's not really eating the fries aside from maybe one or two, and he's mostly just, you know, letting them air while refusing to let us have any and I think "Huh. Weird, but okay" 'cause John's kind of weird to start with." - James/"Rhodey"

"Aren't we all in some way?" - Bruce

"Save me the philosophy. Where was I...oh, yeah. After a few pigeons start showing up, he just starts tossing every other fry to them and, thought then was "Oh. He's being nice today" which was a huge mistake on my part and something that I should have seen for the neon-laced red flag it was. So eventually, we got this huge flock of pigeons around us, a small army really, and Tony's getting worried, as am I, 'cause the birds're just making noises that sound kind of angry 'cause John's just giving them enough fries to keep them interested but not satisfy them and then...then he sees someone, still no clue who to this day, getting on the bus and John just...chucks the whole bag of fries onto the bus without even changing expression and every pigeon in the flock suddenly flies onto the bus and it's just screaming pandemonium--" - James/"Rhodey"

"Clint!! Breathe damnit!!" - Bruce and Natasha // "Why does this sound like something that my brother would have done?" - Thor

"I'm then hauling John away by his sleeve while trying to carry Tones with the other arm, and let me tell you, Tony was not making things easy with his impression of a retarded seal, nor was John helping beyond grinning like a damn maniac, and I'm inventing new curse words for both of these idiots, and, to this damn day, I still don't know why he created a real-life version of Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds"." - James/"Rhodey"

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"Classes got cancelled one time and we're all just sprawled out in the living room minding our business--" - Tony

"Or, translated, I was trying to finish up some last minute assignments, Tony was commandeering the entire floor to fix-slash-upgrade DUM-E, and John was playing some kind of British punk song on his guitar while laying upside-down in a chair." - James/"Rhodey"

"Uh...how--?" - James/"Bucky"

"Feet over the back of the chair, shoulders and back on the seat, head hanging down...why's everyone staring at me? I've seen him lounge like that a lot, okay?" - Steve

"Anyway...so, as I was saying, we're minding our business since classes were cancelled due to the ice storm outside and, lo and behold, I look up from being elbow-deep in DUM-E's chassis to see some kid, no idea who, just trudging through the weather, in shorts, and going to non-existent class and I said "Guys. Idiot alert" and Johnny Cake, he just rolls out of his weird chair position to look out the window, guitar in one hand, then throws the window open and screams out "OY DIPSHIT!!! CLASS' CANCELLED!!! GET YOUR ARSE INSIDE 'FORE YA DIE!!!" and this poor kid, shit you not, just starts looking around wildly while screaming "GOD?!?!?!" and then Honey Bear just started cackling like freaking hyena." - Tony

"It's funnier when you remember that John's default as a sorcerer is regularly outsmarting the legions of Hell with half his brain tried behind his back, and even though he's sure he'll probably end up downstairs due to the unholy shit he gets into and has done, he's still pretty sure that he could completely take-over and control Hell after a few centuries. Two minimum, five max." - James/"Rhodey"

"That--" - Bruce

"Will probably be much easier than it sounds because, ironically and according to Jo-Jo, Lucy's all too happy to regularly abandon his post and hang out in LA at the nightclub he owns." - Tony

"THE ACTUAL DEVIL OWNS A NIGHTCLUB IN LOS ANGELES?!?!?!" - Steve, James/"Bucky", Clint, Bruce, Sam

"Yeah. It's called "Lux", pretty nice place, great drinks, very friendly. Devil likes to sing and play the piano, and apparently a demon-slash-torturer from Hell makes the best cocktails you've ever put in your mouth." - James/"Rhodey"

"We should all go there some time. Last time was awesome." - Tony

Chapter Text

"One time, back at MIT, Tony chugged an entire bottle of cognac right in the middle of campus." - James/"Rhodey"

"Not that I'm surprised by this but...Tony...why did you chug a bottle cognac?" - Natasha

"Howard bought it for, I think $2-or-300, to celebrate getting rid of me via me going back to school after the break, so I swiped it from his office and chugged it on campus in disrespect...you know, as you do." - Tony

"...People usually don't do that?" - Sam

"People also usually don't mail the empty bottle with a note sayin' "could-a been better", back to their old man just to piss 'em off." - John

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"One time, back at MIT, this freshman came up to me, Sour Patch, and Mojo Jojo, and was all "Help me, I can't find my class"." - Tony

"That sounds extremely familiar." - Bruce // "Had one of those in high school." - Sam

"Yeah. So Jojo decided to be nice--" - Tony

"He can be 'nice'?" - Steve

"'Ey! I'm always nice!" - John

"--and he offered to look at the newbie's schedule and help him out...but then the Wonderful Wizard of Oz had to ask Platypus and me to confirm something and, turns out, poor dude was at the wrong school." - Tony

"You're shitting me." - James/"Bucky"

"...Did he...ever get to the right school?" - Clint

"I don't know. I never followed up with the guy." - Tony

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"Best thing I ever heard in college was a guy who was helping this girl patch herself up after a minor lab accident." - James/"Rhodey"

"Oh yeah, I remember that. She scalded herself by total freak accident and just did that kinda cute but still kinda awkward laugh thing and made a joke about being "the clumsy kind of scientist", and the dude helping her just looked her dead in the eyes and said in the most serious tone "We are all victims of physics"." - Tony

"That was a man who had long been a victim of physics." - Bruce

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"What is this gibberish?!" - Clint

"Scientific formulas." - Tony and Bruce

"This stuff hurts my brain!!" - Clint

"Huh...you sure you didn't go to MIT, Legolas, 'cause that scream at the end there sounded just like the guy in the back of one of my classes when he was told that several complex formulas on the board were going to be on the midterm and that we needed to remember it." - Tony

"You had one of those guys too? I thought Clint sounded like a guy who was in one of my classes from college. Guy could wail like a banshee." - Bruce

"...Do you think they were the same guy...or is it just a natural phenomenon that there's always one of those wailing-and-screaming guys in every college class?' - Tony

"...I don't know...but I now have a powerful urge to investigate that theory. Shall we?" - Bruce

"We shall. Lead the way, Green Bean." - Tony

"...My brain's broken." - Clint

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"One time, back in college, I made the mistake of leaving Tony and John alone while they were both bored out of their minds." - James/"Rhodey"

"...Oh God." - Steve // "...What'd they do?" - Bruce" // "I'm afraid to ask." - Sam

"Turned several hallways of a floor of our dorm apartments into multiple slip-and-slides, set up several kegs and buffet tables of snacks, and somehow got almost everyone in the school to show up for an impromptu "It's Wednesday" party." - James/"Rhodey"

"...How long were you gone?!" - Clint

"An hour tops. (beat) Still don't know how they got three different DJs on such short notice. (beat) Or how we didn't get evicted." - James/"Rhodey"

"Uh...I gotta talk to Tony and, uh, John for a second." - James/"Bucky"

Chapter Text

"Okay, so, back in college, I dragged Tony and John to the gym with me because, let's face it, they really needed the exercise." - James/"Rhodey"

"Fair enough." Sam

"They still kind of do...should I ask JARVIS to help me schedule them some time with me in the gym?" - Steve

"Please do and have JARVIS record their reversions back into grumpy preteens for me." - James/"Rhodey"

"Done." - Steve

"Continue the story now please." - Clint

"Right. Anyway, after being there an hour, mostly listening to them bitch at me and plead for the sweet release of death, there was this girl, you know, trying to climb up a rock wall and she was stuck like halfway up and shouting "I CAN'T DO THIS! I CAN'T!!" and Tony, shit you not, cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted up at her "MY BUDDY'S AUNT SAID THE SAME THING AT HER WEDDING, BUT SHE MARRIED THAT FINE-ASS DOCTOR AND NOW SHE'S RICH AS HELL!" and that girl, she made the rest of that climb in record time." - James/"Rhodey"

"Truly inspiring. Brings a tear to my eye." - James/"Bucky"

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"Back in college, this guy in one of my classes got in trouble for kicking the ceiling on accident, and when he was getting read the riot act, dude just pulled a Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card out of his wallet and handed it to the professor who just stared at him for a minute then sighed and let him go." - Tony

"I'm sorry but how in the actual fuck do you kick a ceiling by accident?!" - Clint

"...Loosen ya shoes up then try to do a high kick like you're Leroy in "Fame"." - John

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"Hey Tones, question. Did we actually hear about a guy back in college who correctly identified a bunch of rocks for his geology final by licking them, or did I hallucinate that whole gossip?" - James/"Rhodey"

"No. You're remembering right, Sour Patch. Dude apparently got the highest score in three years by doing that, so, you know, whatever works I guess." - Tony

"Heard the bloke was stoned outta his mind on LSD which's why he was lickin' the rocks to start wit'." - John

"That tracks." - Tony

"No, it does not." - Clint

"I have several questions." - Bruce

"...And I need to Google something." - Steve

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"Hey Johnny Cake...question. Did Honey Bear actually fall out a bunk bed in college and break both of his legs and one arm, or am I misremembering because of Doctor Daniels?" - Tony

"Ya 'memberin' right. EMTs who showed up were lookers too. Why?" - John

"Because he just texted me to tell me that this girl he's out with just finished telling him about her EMT brother having to show up at MIT to help a guy who fell out of a bunk and broke three-out-of-four limbs, and I'm pretty sure he's kind of freaking out a little." - Tony

"...I'm, uh, I'm sure that, uh, that's just a really weird coincidence." - John

"...Well it was college." - Tony

"And now Rhodey's starting to worry me as much as you two do." - Steve

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"One time, back in college, we were running across a street in town and this car turned and almost hit John and Tony, and Tony just said "SORRY MAN!" with the placating hand gesture he sometimes does while John just screamed "FUCK YA SIDEWAYS, DICKWAD!" while flipping the guy the bird." - James/"Rhodey"

"...And where exactly were you in this situation?" - Sam

"Safely on the sidewalk where we were going, laughing so hard I was sure a little pee was going come out." - James/"Rhodey"

Chapter Text

"You know, back in college, I went on a date with this girl once, right? And when I was driving us back to campus, we got pulled over by the cops--" - Tony

"Damnit Tony." - Bruce

"Don't pre-emptively "damnit Tony" me, Not-so-Jolly Green Giant. I didn't do anything aside from not stopping long enough at a stop sign which, hindsight, officer was in the right on that one and he was cool and let me off with a warning, so no big deal. Now, my date on the other hand...she got fined $100." - Tony

"Why did she get fined a $100?" - Clint

"Well, according to an obscure law, she was supposed to be in a booster seat because she was like four-foot-eight." - Tony

"The fuck?!" - Clint and Sam // "That's actually a law?" - Bruce

"Yeah, and, honestly, I still think about it sometimes because of just how weird it all was." - Tony

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"You know what I'm thinking of, Jojo Rocket?" - Tony

"Mindreadin's not exactly one-a my specialties despite evidence oft to the contrary." - John

"I'm thinking about that sign that was posted on the book drop of the library back at MIT." - Tony

"One that said "please yell "not a squirrel" when openin' book drop so we know you're a human an' not a squirrel tryin' to steal Keith's lunch"?" - John

"That's the one." - Tony // "Wait...what the actual fuck?" - Clint

"Don't look at either of us. No one ever got context for that one." - Tony

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"Ya know, one time I was in the library while Jim an' ya were in classes, an' I saw this guy tryin' to help his girlfriend study. Thought it was kinda cute, ya know?" - John

"Sounds cute." - Tony

"I know, an' well, I couldn't help but to overhear parts-a their conversation for literally the hour I was in there, especially the part at the end where the poor bloke just sighed an' took his girl's hands in his an' said "Babe, I'm gonna be honest wit' ya. You're gonna fail this test. I love ya, but there's nothin' we can do 'bout it now", an' I had to bite my sleeve to make sure I didn't make any sounds where I would-a given myself away." - John

"At least the guy was honest with her." - Natasha

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"So we were at a coffee shop on campus one time and Tony, as sleep deprived as he was, started whining about how he needed something to stir his coffee with since the place was out of stirrers and he didn't have a pair of scissors on hand--" - James/"Rhodey"

"What?" - Clint and Sam

"...Don't judge you two. All of us college grads have done something similar." - Bruce

"Exactly. Thanks Bruce. Anyway, John just got up and wandered off for a minute...then came back and handed Tony, shit you not, a piece of raw linguini and both of us couldn't do much but stare at the pasta then John, and Tony finally said, like after a full minute, "John, where did you get this?" and John was already face-down, sound asleep on the table." - James/"Rhodey"

"Did...you ever find out where the linguini came from?" - Steve

"To this day...no." - James/"Rhodey"

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"Okay, I got a wild one. So, back in college, Tony used to get these really bad chronic nosebleeds. We never figured out exactly what caused it, but for like a whole four months, it kept happening at random." - James/"Rhodey"

"That is worrisome." - Bruce // "That doesn't happen now, right?" - Steve

"Nah. He's good now. Anyway...this one night, he got this really bad one, like, from what I saw after, it just covered his face, chest, and shirt...he honestly looked like he'd just eaten someone. And, rather than wake me up, which I thank everything in existence every day for because I might have died if I'd been woken up to that sight...but, you know, rather than me, Tony went and woke up John. Now, remember that John's "job" involves dealing with demons, evil sorcerers, undead, and the rest of the gorey like." - James/"Rhodey"

"Okay?" - Steve

"...I think I know where this is going." - James/"Bucky"

"Don't spoil the story. Okay, so...Tony, I'm guessing, probably tapped John awake on the couch and John, well, he pretty much just opened his eyes to the sight of Tony, blood soaked and leaning over him in the dark, while Tony's at his most sleep deprived and zombie-like, saying "please help"--" - James/"Rhodey"

"And where were you?" - Sam

"Sleeping like the dead up until I got woken up by John screaming like a banshee...and then Tony was suddenly screaming because John was screaming, then the neighbors were screaming because of John and Tony's screaming, and so I'm running into the living room in my boxer shorts, with the kricket bat that John got from who knows where, and that's what I saw when I turned on the light." - James/"Rhodey"

Chapter Text

"Okay...so back in college, there used to be this thing called a "Stone Tablet Rule"--" - Tony

"A what now?" - Clint

""Stone Tablet Rule"...or as translated back to the school's language, a rule that stated that "you have no excuse at all for not turning in your assignments, even if you have to carve them into a stone tablet", give or take some wording." - Tony

"That is mildly horrifying." - Bruce

"'Mildly'?!" - Clint

"Yeah. Rule ceased to exist though after one guy decided to carve his eight-page essay on something regarding theoretical physics and rocket propulsion into $70 worth of limestone." - Tony

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"Hey, Tony...am I remembering wrong or was there a science professor who taught his classes Morse Code?" - James/"Rhodey"

"You're remembering right. Dude did it up until the year he caught two kids cheating on a test by blinking their eyes in Morse Code. He stopped teaching people about Morse Code and those two had to wear sunglasses every time they took quizzes or tests." - Tony

"...What the fuck?! Is MIT training spies now? Or were they?!" - Clint

"Don't ask the questions ya don't want the answers to." - John

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"Okay, so, I just remembered this, but there was this time back in college where I'm sitting in a chemistry class and this guy behind me taps me on the shoulder. I turn around and he just grins and says "hey, Tony. Want a tie?", then opens up his bag and it's just full of nothing but neckties. Then he rifles around in the bag and says "hm. Black AC/DC tee...this'll work." and pulls out this skinny bright yellow and blue tie." - Tony

"Just...he just had random ties?" - Bruce

"Yeah. And I got a tie. Ran into Honey Bear later and saw him wearing one, and a bunch of people wearing random ties, and realized "holy crap, there's a Tie Dealer at MIT"." - Tony

"Oh yeah, I 'member that guy. He made a killin' sellin' ties to people right 'fore big concerts or fancy swing-ding nights out." - John

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"I was wanderin' 'round the campus one time, waitin' on Tony an' Jim to be done wit' classes, an' I came across this group-a girls outside-a the library. Now, I wasn't gonna get involved, 'specially since one of the lass' was cryin' her eyes out on another's top, so I just did the nod my head an' try to slip off thing, and the girl holdin' the cryin' one spoke up sayin' "I'm sorry 'bout what 'appened but where did ya get ya eyeliner? It seems really good", an' the cryin' girl just sniffled an' said "it's sharpie" an'...one of them girls had to help me get 'round the corner 'cause I was 'bout to lose my shit laughin' an' I didn't wanna be rude." - John

"Why would you use sharpie for eyeliner?!" - Clint

"Sometimes you just have to make do, Clint." - Natasha

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"There was this one time in college where I was in my class and there's this guy who just started ranting at this other guy in front of him about how much paper the dude in front was wasting and how he was killing trees and stuff. Now why this was happening, I don't know, guy might have just been an environmentalist or something like that...but it was loud enough that even the professor stopped talking and was glaring at the ranting guy like he was trying to set the loudmouth on fire or something." - James/"Rhodey"

"That is loud." - Bruce // "Ugh....never could stand those guys." - Sam

"Yeah. Me either. Anyway, I guess guy in front was getting fed up because he whipped around, jabbed his pencil eraser-side into ranting guy's chest and shouted "your birth certificate was a waste of paper!" and ranting guy's eyes went wide while his mouth stopped moving, and the classes' jaws all collectively dropped...then the professor said "oh shit, he went there" and I had to cram my fist into my mouth or I was gonna lose it." - James/"Rhodey"

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"So there was this "flash mob" one time back in college and, truth be told, it wasn't that great...especially since the dean knew it was going to happen, and it was all in the main lobby, so kind of you know...up until me, Platypus, and Mojo found out the truth." - Tony

"The "truth"?" - Sam

"The "mob" used the dance routine as a distraction so they could put a bunch-a chickens in the elevators." - John

"I have never seen so much poultry that wasn't already battered up and fried." - James/"Rhodey"

"...Were the chickens...?" - James/"Bucky"

"I bought a farm and sent all of them there to live their best chicken life. Farm still produces free-range eggs, amazing mayonnaise, and other stuff since other farm animals have ended up there over the years. Think it's mostly a functional farm mixed with an animal rescue, petting zoo, and learning environment for the public." - Tony

"Tony goes out there every few weeks or so to pet the cows." - James/"Rhodey"

"Can I go next time? I think Billy needs the animal interaction." - James/"Bucky"

"Sure, we'll head out next week, Robocop." - Tony

Chapter Text

"Okay, so...back in college, one break, me and Tony went to New Orleans with John. Normally, not so bad, but John had to go there to do his job--" - James/'Rhodey"

"With magic and demons and ghosts and stuff?" - Clint

"Yeah. Boy was that a loop to be thrown for when he told us that shit, but it apparently pays insanely well when the people hiring him survive to the end to pay him, so, you know, whatever works I guess. But anyway, so we arrive in New Orleans, didn't even take a car. No, a car would be too simple for either one of these two. No, John literally just had us stand in the entryway, uh...foyer?" - James/"Rhodey"

"Correct." - Bruce

"Are we just glossing over the part about people hiring John dying?!" - Clint

"We can unpack that chaos later, right now we're discussing John having me and Tony stand with him in the foyer of his crazy magic house, there was this weird pressure that I cannot describe at all, and when John opened the door again, we were stepping outside into some kind of abandoned-looking neighborhood next to a graveyard that made me think I was going to have nightmares for months." - James/"Rhodey"

"Did you?" - Clint

"Anyway...so we go back in, change clothes, then we're walking along with John to some little out of the way shop...that John told me and Tony to stay outside of while he went in and talked shop." - James/"Rhodey"

"Just sidestepping my question." - Clint

"Why didn't he want you two to go into the shop?" - James/"Bucky"

"Still have no clue, John wouldn't say. But, anyway, while me and Tony were standing outside, read I was keeping a grip on Tones' shirt to keep him from scampering off into some kind of alcohol-induced mayhem and foolishness, when this huge black guy in the most crisp white suit I've seen outside of the Colonel who invented Kentucky Fried Chicken, came up to us and greeted us with a blinding smile and asked if we were visiting the city. Tony, proving yet again that he has zero self-preservation, told the guy that we were visiting with a friend." - James/"Rhodey"

"Hey, look Stevie! Tony's pretty much you!" - James/"Bucky"

"Cram a cork in it, Buck." - Steve

"He's not wrong." - Sam

"You can have a cork too." - Steve

"Continuing! But yeah, after Tony opened his mouth, the guy nodded and said "Well, I'm gonna give y'all kids some rules to follow while you're here just to keep ya safe. Rule one: never leave your drinks unattended 'cause everyone'll try to put shit in there, even the bartenders"." - James/"Rhodey"

"Good advice." - Natasha // "Very sound." - Bruce

"Yeah. "Rule two: if ya boys' friend's a girl, don't ya ever let her walk alone on these streets, even with a weapon, 'cause she might get taken"." - James/"Rhodey"

"Okay, so, worrying issues aside, that is pretty good advice and an appropriate warning for literally anywhere in the world." - Sam

"That is was and still is. "Rule three: if you're walking down a neighborhood and don't see any kids wandering 'round, leave immediately. If it ain't safe 'nough for the kids, it ain't safe 'nough for you"." - James/"Rhodey"

"Also sound advice." - Bruce // "He did have a point." - Steve

"That he did. "And rule four: if y'all wanna buy some crack, I got some"." - James/"Rhodey"

"The fuck?!!" - Clint and Sam // "That took a turn." - Bruce

"I did not see that last one coming." - Steve

"Me either." - James/"Bucky"

"Yeah, neither did we...and we didn't see the fact that the dude was apparently a two-century-old vampire coming either until John came outside and recognized him and the guy recognized our British nutjob, or at least his magic, too, so that was fun...but the crack-dealing vampire had some good intel for what John had to do in New Orleans so we got that done quick with the minimal number of human casualties and somehow Tony got to ride on a dragon--" - James/"Rhodey"

"I'm sorry but what?!" - Clint

"Dragon. Tony got to ride one. Still don't know how that happened, just that it did, and John called up somebody he "sort-of-knew" who keeps dragons and was willing to take in the dragon, so yeah. After that was all squared away, we hit a bar and drank until dawn to celebrate a job well done and I think John went off with some shapeshifter woman with blue skin while Tony hooked up with some guy who it was heavily implied was some kind of prince, though I didn't ask too many questions because I kind of got distracted hooking up with this girl who was a witch, but you know, one of the good kinds, and yeah. Then we all went back to school via John's magic house after break ended." - James/"Rhodey"

"You do realize that you two and John's entire friendship reads like some kind of fever dream, right?" - Sam

"I've been aware of that for years at this point. Try to keep up, man." - James/"Rhodey"

Chapter Text

"Gather 'round lads an' lasses. It's storytime." - John

"Oh yes. Now, we know that you guys have been getting some crazy tales courtesy of Platypus when we're not here." - Tony

"Yeah. There have been some wild rides." - Clint

"And now the two of you want to share your own shame?" - Sam

"Us? No...share Jim's shame? Oh yes." - John

"Wait, what?" - Clint // "Come again?" - Steve // "You two've got dirt on Rhodey?!" - James/"Bucky"

"Obviously." - Tony // "Best dirt." - John

"Give us all the gossip!" - James/"Bucky"

"Buck, you're starting to sound like one of those housewives on TV--" - Steve

"Let me have this!" - James/"Bucky"

"Yeah, let him have this, Capsicle. Let the man live and love the shame of others. Don't be such a Debbie Downer. Alright, so...back at MIT, after John Bon Jovi here moved in with us, we learned that he can cook, you know, like actual, real food made from base ingredients kind of stuff--" - Tony

"Goin' on record 'ere an' sayin' that it wasn't that impressive then, got better 'course, but back then I just knew how to operate a stove an' an oven wit'out burnin' anythin' or myself." - John

"Which not many people can do! I'm living proof of that concept in several variations, but yeah, anyway...Johnny Cake broke his arm prior to the incident I'm going to tell you about--" - Tony

"How'd you break your arm?" - Steve

"Not important. Story-a that's goin' wit' me to the grave, luv." - John

"Would you tell it if all of us took off our shirts and started flexing?" - Clint

"Clint. Barton. Do not make me get Colonel Rhodes' spray bottle." - Natasha

"Anyway! Yeah, Mojo had a broken arm so he couldn't cook for us and, outside of baking things and making coffee, I'm kind of perma-banned from using kitchen appliances due to how I many microwaves I've blown up...the number of that which is not important so put your hand down and don't ask, Legolas!" - Tony

"Spoilsport." - Clint

"So, as I was saying, John's hurt, I'm not allowed to cook...so Honey Bear decided he'd make dinner for us while I was coming back from the labs and Johnny was supposedly taking a nap on the couch, right?" - Tony

"Me an' painkillers got an interestin' relationship, let me tell ya, but...on wit' the tale. So, Jim-Jam's in the kitchen tryin' to make a pretty simple curry recipe, an' I do mean simple, so it should've been right as rain, but at some point, when he was slicin' up chilis, he somehow got chili burns all over his face, like, everywhere on the face. How it happened, I don't know, I just got woken outta dead sleep by the shout cursin' an' headed over to investigate." - John

"How bad?" - Bruce

"Could-a been worse to be honest, but, yeah. I'm guessin', an' later got it confirmed, that Jim's thought process through the burnin' pain turned to "Hang on, doesn't milk soothe chili burns? It does" which lead to him apparently stumblin' blind to the icebox, pourin' a mixin' bowl's worth-a milk, an' then I entered to see him planted face-first in said bowl-a milk on the table like he's tryin' to drown his sorrows in a completely new way." - John

"Sound logic...very questionable execution." - Natasha

"Extremely questionable." - Steve and Bruce

"How do you even come to that conclusion?" - Clint

"Pain makes the brain do weird stuff." - Sam

"Yep, that is does. Well right then's when the rice cooker went off an' triggered a power surge that shut the electricity off...which Jim did not notice since he was, ya know, face down in a bowl-a milk. I couldn't say anythin' 'cause a part-a me was hopin' this was all a hallucination brought on by the pills, but then Jim emerged from his milky prison an' started panickin' that he'd gone blind from the chili burns an'...I just started losin' my fuckin' shite right there, like, tears pourin' down my face an' ribs hurtin' kinda cacklin'." - John

"Exactly what Clint and Bucky are doing then?" - Sam // "Buck, breathe!" - Steve

"Pretty much." - John

"And Clint's on the floor..." - Bruce

"Again." - Natasha

"To which I opened the door at hearing John's hyena cackle and saw only pitch black, then got to hear Sour Patch freaking out and cursing in John's general direction...and then I had to be the adultier adult and get the power back on after helping Rhodey get dried off from the milk and reassuring him that he wasn't actually blind." - Tony

"Ended up tossin' the would-be curry an' just orderin' a pizza." - John

"And Platypus swore off cooking for several years after that up until his mom had enough and basically forced him into a kitchen and taught him the bare basics because, in her words, "you can't live off of your friends cooking or take-out all the time", which is true to be completely fair." - Tony

"Yet the both-a ya keep demandin' I cook for ya." - John

"In their defense, you are a really good cook, John." - Steve

"That's Stevie for "please make that delicious steak and potato stew for dinner again"." - James/"Bucky"

"Seconded!" - Tony and Clint

"Thirded." - Sam

"The council has spoken." - Natasha

"Alright, alright...I'm goin'." - John

Chapter Text

"Tony and John are just weird some days." - Sam

"Yeah...but at least they don't pour powdered milk into glasses of milk so they can drink "more milk per milk" like my first roommate at MIT." - James/"Rhodey"

"...I have several questions." - Sam

"I have no answers." - James/"Rhodey"

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"So...Rhodey mentioned a roommate he had before he roomed with you and John?" - Sam

"115% Milk Dude? Yeah. He was an odd guy, but nowhere near as bad as the dude I had as my first roommate. Guy would set his normal alarm clock for when he needed to get up, and set a separate alarm clock to go off at three-am so he could wake up in the middle of the night and be all excited about how much longer he had to sleep." - Tony

"...Was that guy a genius or just a psycho?" - Sam

"Jury's still out." - Tony

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"There was this one guy who lived in the dorm who I genuinely worried about sometimes." - James/"Rhodey"

"What makes you say that?" - Sam

"Went down to the communal area and found a frisbee in with some dishes. I asked "Why's there a frisbee in this dishwasher?" 'cause, you know, actually curious. Dude blinked at me, then looked at the frisbee and said "I thought that was a side plate??"." - James/"Rhodey"

"...That...I...you gotta be shitting me. No way is anyone that stupid." - Sam

"One time, I went into the communal kitchen to see the same dude using a spoon to individually fish out noodles from a pot. I asked him why he wasn't using the strainer and he looked at me and said "What's that?" and...I had to go back upstairs and scream into my pillow for a minute." - James/"Rhodey"

"I...I'm concerned on many, many levels." - Sam

"Dude was studying to be a rocket scientist." - James/"Rhodey"

"...One fear." - Sam

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"There was this guy who lived in the dorms who was...unique--" - Tony

"Read dumber than a box-a-fuckin' rocks." - John

"You had sex with the guy." - Tony

"Yeah, well he was stupid...but also built like the Statue of David, so--" - John

"Can we get back to the point? You were saying, Tony?" - Natasha

"Right. Well, one day he was in the communal area making a pizza to take upstairs and all you heard from the kitchen was "Oh I hate this part" then horrific screaming followed by John--who'd gone in there to dump some of our snack trash--shouting "Why the fuck're ya pullin' it out wit' your bare hands?!!"--" - Tony

"Just interruptin' to say you're gettin' better at impersonatin' my accent. Nice." - John

"Thanks Jojo Rocket." - Tony

"...Okay so...new rule. No one is allowed to be called a himbo unless they are at least that stupid." - Bruce

"Was this the same guy Rhodey was telling me about?! With the frisbee and the spoon?!" - Sam (horrified)

"Yep." - Tony and John

"Frisbee and spoon?" - Bruce and Clint

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"Okay, so there was a party in one of the dorm houses, okay? And we were all having a good time when suddenly we all heard Jojo shouting at the top of his lungs "OI!!! Got a wanker slidin' bacon down 'is trousers 'ere!! He stealin' bacon!!", but he'd been drinking so his accent was absolutely fucked! So, 'cause everyone was confused about what he was shouting about, the music just got cut off and then you heard Platypus calling out "Redcoat's right!! Dude trying to make off with the bacon!"...and then this drunk guy goes sprinting for the door carrying all of the bacon in this house with Magic Mike and Sour Patch hot on his heels." - Tony

"I'm hearing Benny Hill music!" Clint

"So was I, cause then the dudes who lived in the house joined the chase and now you had seven drunk guys in total chasing one drunk guy around the house while the whole party was crowded wherever to watch and cheer. I crouched on a railing on the porch with a funnel at my mouth and started announcing like I was at horse race...and people started taking bets on who'd catch the thief." - Tony

"Who caught the bacon thief?" - Steve

"And did they recover the bacon?" - James/"Bucky"

"Honey Bear caught the thief in a football tackle that would've done the NFL proud, and yes, they recovered the bacon unharmed. Then the house guys tied the thief to a chair, cooked all the bacon, and passed it out to everyone at the party with the thief getting none. Also...Rhodey won about two grand in the bet money so yeah. Good night all around." - Tony

Chapter Text

"Okay, I got one. One time, back in college, it was pouring rain, like borderline torrential downpour, and this girl arrived late to class--" - Tony

"Is this gonna take a weird turn?" - Steve

"It's a story from MIT and involves Tony, Rhodey, and/or John." - Bruce

"Anyway, so girl arrives just drenched to the bone and I am talking dripping wet, puddles under her feet, the whole nine yards. Well, the professor just gave the girl a dirty look, especially at the puddles leading back to the door and under the girl's feet, and said "I'm going to mark you tardy"." - Tony

"That's unfair though! It wasn't the girl's fault." - Clint

"Oh trust me, we all knew, the professor knew, the girl knew...and the girl glared at him and pointed her finger at the professor and said "no"...and literally, shit you not, thunder crackled at that exact moment and the power went out! The timing could not have been more perfect!" - Tony

"Was there screaming?" - Steve (snickering), while Clint, James/"Bucky", and Bruce laugh in background

"Oh, everyone was freaking out, Spangles...then the girl just whispered "666" into the darkness and another girl shrieked like a true-blue Scream Queen. It was beautiful!" - Tony

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"Okay, so one of the best things that happened to me back in college was the day my professor never showed up to teach class." - James/"Rhodey"

"So you had a sub then?" - Clint

"Oh hell no. Sub never showed either. After a while of waiting, this one guy got up and moved to the front of the room and just started discussing his theories about Doctor Who from the first one up to the, at the time, current." - James/"Rhodey"

"I--what?" - Bruce

"Exactly! Guy got so into it too, like, he started drawing all these different diagrams on the blackboard and ranting on about all of his fan theories and the canon lore, and everyone just got into it and started raising their hands and asking him questions like he was our actual teacher, and I think the series got a buttload of new fans that day. Best class ever. Tones was so pissed that he didn't have that class." - James/"Rhodey"

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"So I was sittin' in on a class one time, just killin' time 'cause T an' Jim were busy an' I needed entertainment--" - John

"And you were just allowed to do that?" - Sam

"Well...not sure 'bout the "allowed" bit, but no one ever stopped me or anythin' so I figured it was fine." - John

"...Your logic concerns me." - Bruce

"Concerns a lot-a people I bet, but anyway, so I'm sittin' in on the class an' the prof's up there chattin' on 'bout how bones tend to heal stronger after they get broken, or at least how the spot where the break 'appened is oft' thicker an' sturdier than the rest 'round it, and...well, this one bloke in the class gets this look on his face an' chimes in wit' "So what you're sayin's that I should break every bone in my body 'til I become superhumanly powerful"."- John

"That...human anatomy does NOT work like that!!" - Sam // "What the fuck..." - Bruce

"I know! And the poor professor just looks so horrified at the guy an' says in the softest voice he could muster "Please, do not, no"...then buddy-boy's mate next to him smacked him upside the head an' apologized for his friend bein' a dumbass." - John

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"I was in class one time and this guy next to me just randomly turned to me and said "Everyone thinks I'm wearing plaid shorts but they're really just boxers" and...I had to look down and confirm that, yep, those were plaid boxer shorts. No pants. Just underwear." - Tony

"Did he just want to experiment for the day or...?" - Bruce

"Nah. Dude apparently decided first year, for some unknown reason, that he was never gonna wear pants to school and somehow no one ever noticed." - Tony

"That says more about college than I think most people want to admit to." - Bruce

"...'Cuse me a sec." - Clint

"...Which one of us warns Natasha that Clint's going to try forgoing pants in favor of just boxers?" - Bruce

"She likes you more, so tag, you're it." - Tony

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"I was in my math class one time and there were these two guys in the back of the class just hitting each other with pencils like kindergartners." - James/"Rhodey

"One question. Why?" - James/"Bucky"

"No idea. The professor finally got fed up though and shouted at them "Could you two try to be a little more mature" and one of the dudes just screamed "TAXES" and punched the other guy in the face...and then I heard John's hyena cackle from a corner of the room and...not gonna lie, that's where I lost my battle with keeping it together." - James/"Rhodey"

"I think Nat's the only person who could've kept it together in that scenario." - James/"Bucky"

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"Okay...this one's on Tony." - John

"Oh...this is gonna be good." - James/"Bucky"

"It is. One time, I was in one-a his an' Jim's classes an' the professor was fussin' wit' tryin' to fix a rollin' board. Professor said "This'd be easier wit' a wrench" an' Tony just said "Hang on" then reached into his bookbag an' proceeded to pull out a small toolbox-a wrenches an' go "Metric? Standard? Ratchetin'? Normal? Big or small?" an' layin' shit out like he was showin' off the goods to buyers in an alley." - John

"I can see it!" - James/"Bucky"

"Then the professor asked "Got any screwdrivers?" an' Tony pulls out another box an' goes "Phillips? Flathead? Torx bit? Star Bit? Hex Bit? Big or small? Specific number?" an' Jim just looked down into Tony's bag an' said "Tell me you don't have hammers in there!" an' Tony just blinked at him an' said "Why? You told me never to lie to you again." an' I swear, Jim looked like his soul was jumpin' outta his body. Then I chimed in from the back "Got a torch in there?!", an' Tony just went back in the bag then tossed me a pocket-sized welder-cutter combo an' I think the professor just decided to roll wit' it so everythin'd be over faster." - John

"Least I know who to ask next time I need some tools." - James/"Bucky"

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"Tony, remember Rosemary from MIT?" - James/"Rhodey"

"Oh, do I ever! Girl was practically a hippie with the tie-dye, long skirts, and other stuff like that, and she was the quietest, gentlest person ever...and she roasted our professor like he was a pig on a spit!" - Tony

"...How?" - Steve

"Professor was known to take forever to grade our work, and this day he asked her if she'd turned everything in." - James/"Rhodey"

"And this girl just looked him dead in the eyes and said, just ever-so-sweetly, "Everything's been turned in, sir. Based on current patterns, the entire class should have feedback by late July"." - Tony

"Okay, no...somebody needed to call the UN 'cause that girl dropped a freaking nuke on the guy!" - Clint (laughing)

"We were all too busy losing our shit laughing at the professor's spluttering." - Tony

"Grading speed improved though." - James/"Rhodey"

Chapter Text

"Fury is stressed." - Natasha

"Is he really?" - Tony

"Yes." - Natasha

"Why is he stressed?" - Thor

"Is he "showing up thirty minutes late, hungover, shirt inside out and backwards, nothing but flip flops on his feet, sitting at his desk and banging his fists on the top while sobbing "I hate this class so much" stressed?" - Tony

"Not yet...and what did you do to that teacher?" - Natasha

"Your suspicion wounds me. I did nothing. Teaching a bunch of burnt-out college kids while he was burnt-out was what did that professor in." - Tony

"Honestly, that sounds suspiciously similar to more than one of Loki and mine's tutors in the past."- Thor

"...What did you and Reindeer Games do to you two's teachers?" - Tony

"...Am I allowed to "plead the fifth" even though I am not a citizen of your country?" - Thor

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"So I was hangin' out in a classroom one day, mostly just 'cause I was bored an' figured why not wander into different classes to pick up what I could an' see what I liked--" - John

"Well, that's one way to get a free education." - Clint

"Again, no one ever complained so I figured it was fine. Anyway...so this class, the professor walked in an' looked at everyone then just started speakin' Dutch. I had to blink 'cause I could swear that I hadn't wandered into a Dutch language class an' I didn't think there was one of those at MIT to start wit'. After like five minutes, this one brave soul got up an' moved to leave. Buddy boy got maybe halfway out the door when the professor called out to 'em "Sit down. I'm just messing wit' you. This isn't Intro to Dutch"." - John

"Not gonna lie...that was actually a good joke." - Clint

"I thought so too." - John

"What the class actually?" - Sam

"Uh, 'Organic Chemistry' I think? Not really sure-a the whole title but some-a the stuff taught gave me some damn good ideas 'bout some spells I was fiddlin' wit' at the time. Also was probably the only class in existence where the question "Where do you keep your chloroform?" isn't suspicious as fuck all." - John

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"So...one time, one of my professors' assistants asked me and another guy to wheel a sheet-covered box into the classroom. Didn't think nothing of it, so we did. Assistant then came up once we were in the center of the front of the room, looking just so completely dead inside, and assistant pulls the sheet off of the box to show us that me and the other dude wheeled in a coffin--" - James/"Rhodey"

"I'm sorry, what?!" - Clint

"Coffin. Freaked everyone the fuck out, trust me. Then the assistant opened the coffin to show us our professor inside--" - James/"Rhodey"

"WHAT?!!" - Clint, Steve, and Sam

"You heard what I said. Then the assistant gestured at the coffin and said "Look what all of you did. All of you bombed your midterms so bad that you killed him."...then the professor sat up, causing everybody to scream cause he just popped up like a freaking jack-in-the-box, and he said "I hope all of you are happy!" and I got to admit, I gained a new respect for a man willing to spend money on a coffin just to commit to a bit about driving home how bad we fucked up." - James/"Rhodey"

"...I can respect that too." - Bruce

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"Hey Green Bean, question...did any of your professors ever have rivalries?" - Tony

"Plenty. I was always so sure that two of them were going to end up street fighting in the quad one day. You?" - Bruce

"Definitely. Had two who hated each other so much that one of them stalked into the other one's classroom one day and just started handing back tests to us while the other one was trying to lecture. Thought it was gonna get ugly right there because those were some serious morning stars and maces of fury those two's glares were firing at each other." - Tony

"You had two who did that stunt too? I thought the two I had were the only ones who went that far!" - Bruce

"...You two's college experiences really worry me." - Clint

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"One time, before finals for the year, I had a professor who called all of our attention to the front of the room just to tell us, while he's up there eating a banana, "By the way everyone, the final isn't cumulative. If any of you want extra credit for the class and the final, come to my karaoke night." - James/"Rhodey"

"What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck?" - Clint

"Stop stealing my lines, Clint...but I agree with the sentiment." - Bruce

"Exactly what we all thought...though karaoke night wasn't bad. Drinks were good, plenty of tasty food, music options were great...and I brought Tony and John along since Tony can outsing a classically trained singer and John'll happily take any excuse to break out his guitar and shred his way through some different music for tips." - James/"Rhodey"

"...Are you sure you're not those two's pimp?" - Sam

"I think of myself as more of a manager or a promotor, thank you very much." - James/"Rhodey"

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"Want to tell them about that test the two of ya got once?" - John

"Oh yeah, that was great. So, we were in the same class for this, and we got our test packets and, on the front was this little block of instructions. Numbers 4 and 5 on the instructions said, and I quote "4. Crying is allowed but please do so quietly" and "5. Do not wipe tears on exam paper"." - Tony

"What was this test even for?!" - Clint

"It was a two-page, seven-question final for Design and Analysis of Algorithms. Several people did cry. I think the professor ended up having to console one guy through a coat closet door halfway through the test." - James/"Rhodey"

"And by console, Honey Bear really means "reassure the guy that cashiering at a fast food place is a respectable career path", which it is by the way--" - Tony