Chapter Text
When Sanji woke - face wet, chest heaving, hands shaking - daylight was still passing through the porthole in the door, and all the euphoria of the past few hours had evaporated as though it had never existed in the first place. Staring into the darkness, Sanji could still see his brothers' cruel smirks, could still hear their jeering laughter, could still feel the phantom pain of their kicks and punches - though he supposed that could also be the actual injuries they had inflicted on him acting up again. He slowly sat up and winced, feeling his bandaged ribs protesting against even that careful movement. He sat there in the dim light of the men’s cabin, breathing as deeply and calmly as he could, and tried to soothe his racing heart. He ran his fingers over the well worn blanket, shoddily knitted by Usopp what felt like an eternity ago, covering his legs, and inhaled the familiar, slightly musty smell of the room. He listened to the quiet chatter of dear voices coming from the deck and slowly managed to convince his treacherous brain that he was, in fact, home.
Still moving tenderly, Sanji swung his legs over the side of his bunk, and lowered himself to the floor. As he shuffled towards the door (deeply grateful he hadn’t decided to change before sleeping, as he didn’t think his body could handle the monumental strain of putting on a shirt) he tried to school his expression into one at least slightly rested. He doubted it worked, but that wasn’t really a problem he could solve now.
No one took notice of him standing there at first, and for a few moments he simply watched them all. Luffy had somehow enticed Carrot down from the crow’s nest, never content to let his friends suffer if there’s anything he can do to help. They were talking animatedly with Brook about the ‘adventures’ they had just had. Sanji frowned over the word, and took in their grins and excitement with wonder - he would call the events of the past few days many things in years to come, but ‘adventure’ would never be one of them.
“Sanji-kun?” He jumped slightly, inwardly cursing his jittery nerves. He looked up to see Nami above him, leaning over the rails above the cabin. Sanji tried to muster up a smile. “How are the oranges, Nami-swan?” Her lips twitched half-heartedly, but Sanji could see in her eyes that his attempt at casualness wasn’t fooling her.
“Thriving,” she replied, disappearing behind the rails again. Sanji waited for her, and sure enough a moment later she appeared at the bottom of the stairs. She stepped in front of him and peered keenly into his face. He tried not to blush too much - yet another losing battle. “Why are you awake so soon? I thought you’d be out for hours?”
“How long did I sleep for?” He asked in lieu of answering. Nami’s frown deepened.
“Barely an hour, Sanji-kun. Do you want-”
“Sanji!” Chopper had noticed him, and was already halfway across the deck. Sanji smiled again at Nami and set out to meet the little doctor half-way. “Sanji, what’s wrong? Why aren’t you sleeping? Is it your bandages? Are you in pain? Should I-”
“Chopper!” Sanji lifted the little reindeer around the middle and raised him until they were face to face. “I’m fine . Perfectly fine. Just - I suppose the adrenaline hasn’t quite left my body yet, or something.” A weak excuse, but it’d have to do. Chopper only continued to stare at him with those wide, tearful eyes that never failed to cut to the hearts of everyone on the crew.
“I can get you something to help?” He offered tremulously, and Sanji was tempted for all of a split second - before his brothers’ faces flashed through his mind again and he remembered abruptly that he had absolutely no desire to return to sleep anytime soon.
“I’m good, Chopper, thanks. Maybe later, though,” he added quickly, unable to bear the dejection painted on the doctor’s face. He spun Chopper around and lifted him onto his shoulder, forcing himself not to wince at the strain the move put on his ribs and smiling genuinely at the giggles this move produced. Turning his eyes to the rest of the crew, Sanji saw Luffy watching him intently.
“Anyone want any snacks? Luffy, you must be hungry again by now, right?” It was as though someone had lit two little lightbulbs behind Luffy’s eyes, with the way they lit up at his words. “Yes ! Meat, meat, meat!”
“Luffy,” Nami was instantly berating him. “Sanji-kun is still recovering-”
“But he offered-”
“I don’t mind, Nami-san, really,” Sanji insisted, turning to meet her glare with another small smile. “It’s a comfort to get back in the kitchen.” She looked ready to argue, but after considering his words seemed to decide against it, for which he was immensely grateful. “I’ll see what I can whip up with what little you left me, captain.” He barely managed to contain his snigger as Luffy’s expression immediately grew sheepish, and gently set Chopper back on the deck before heading to the kitchen, Luffy hot on his heels.
Looking at the contents of the fridge, Sanji hesitated for only the briefest of moments before reaching for some meat. They'd replenish their now very limited stock eventually, and Sanji wasn't willing to make any compromises or take any shortcuts with Luffy - not anytime soon. His captain deserved only the best, and that’s what Sanji would give him.
To the enthusiastic chants of Luffy behind him, Sanji got to work. He began frying some onions and garlic - the sizzling sound of it soothed him to an almost ridiculous extent. He started chopping the meat, and quickly he found himself sinking into the environment of his kitchen despite everything weighing him down - all the guilt and shame and anger. All the fear. He couldn't help wondering why, even after leaving that hellish island behind them, he still felt that fear. It was a deep, powerful thing. Even now, he felt it like a burn, singing his skin, scarring him.
"Sanji! " The uncharacteristic sharpness in Luffy's voice jolted him out of his reverie - he only noticed the pain afterwards, as he stared down at the cut on his finger and slowly began to register exactly what it was that he was looking at. By the time he fully understood his blunder, Luffy was already by his side.
"It's fine, Luffy," he tried. "It was just an accident."
"Shut up," Luffy replied instantly, that sharpness still undercutting his tone. He was staring at Sanji's bloody hand with utter venom in his eyes - something that Sanji vaguely wondered at, somewhere in the back of his mind - but the gentle way he caressed said hand in both of his own betrayed the concern behind it all. "Come on, let's get Chopper to bandage you up."
"But the food-"
"You can finish it later,” Luffy said, not tearing his eyes away from the injury as he reached absently with one hand to turn off the stove - nearly burning his hand and giving Sanji a small heart attack in the process. “I promise I won't try to steal any of it until Chopper is finished with you."
"But-" Sanji tried to pull his fingers out of Luffy's grip but his captain snatched his hands forward to grasp his wrist instead, and he held firm.
"Sanji," he said, looking now into Sanji's eyes with the sort of determination usually reserved for the battlefield. "You need Chopper. Now." Sanji opened his mouth to argue further, then his sluggish brain caught up with the whole situation and he wondered why he was even bothering at all.
He sighed, and nodded, and placidly allowed Luffy to lead him by the wrist back to the deck, hollering for Chopper before he'd even opened the galley door.
Sanji winced as the poor doctor’s head snapped up, bright smile vanishing, from where he had been sitting content on Nami's lap listening to Carrot's cheerful chatter. He frowned, clearly confused, until Luffy wordlessly lifted Sanji's still bleeding hand and waved it around above their heads.
"Idiot," Sanji hissed, as the movement made the cut throb dully. He quickly snatched his wrist back, Luffy acquiescing his grip this time without fuss. "What happened to gentle , huh?" Luffy only scowled at him, sticking his tongue out almost as an afterthought.
"Sanji! What - what happened ?" Chopper's voice was frantic, his eyes once again filling with tears as he ran the length of the deck as fast as his little legs would carry him.
"Seriously, what happened?" Nami echoed behind him, more incredulous sounding than anything else. "You were barely in there two minutes, how can you be bleeding already?" Despite her words and her tone, however, she took up Sanji's hand with the same care as Luffy had. Brook and Carrot peered over her shoulders worriedly.
"It was an accident." They were all silent, staring at him doubtfully. Sanji tried not to shrink under their scrutiny. "What?"
"You don't have 'accidents', Sanji," Chopper said tearfully, gazing up at him from where he had a tight grip on Sanji’s trouser leg. "Not in the kitchen. None that I can remember." Sanji frowned at that, cursing himself again at his own carelessness. Chopper was right - he hadn't hurt himself in the kitchen since he was a boy on the Baratie.
"Yeah, well," he sighed, trying once again for a smile. "I guess I really am still exhausted - I just wasn't paying attention. Won't happen again, I promise."
He could tell none of them were convinced. Brook quietly stepped around Nami and laid a gentle hand on Sanji's shoulder.
"Sanji-san," he said, so gently. "Please let Chopper-kun take care of you." Sanji glanced up at him briefly, before dropping his head and nodding sullenly, defeated.
The cut was deep - deeper than Sanji had originally believed, though he now realised he could attribute that to the bizarre numbness that had been sneaking up on him from the moment he'd failed to shake off that nightmare. He stared at the gash across the back of his finger, trying to remember exactly what the fuck had happened that led him to his first kitchen injury in over ten years.
Nothing, his brain helpfully supplied. Nothing happened - you’re just broken now. Just like you were before. Just like you always have been. He squeezed his eyes shut against the sudden burning behind them and tried to breathe.
He allowed Chopper to maintain his hold on his trousers, guiding him through the doors to the infirmary and pushing him to the bed. No one else followed, he didn't turn to see why. He watched without saying anything as Chopper rushed about the room as fast as his little legs could carry him, grabbing bandages and cleaning alcohol and attempting to look like he wasn’t crying. He tried his best to force his mouth into a smile when the doctor finally clambered up onto the bed next to him and set to work cleaning and wrapping his hand. Chopper didn’t respond, and Sanji likewise gave up his futile attempt. They both knew it was a lie.
He hissed slightly at the sudden burning as the alcohol hit the open wound.
“Huh,” he huffed, inspecting the wound as the blood surrounding it was washed away. “It’s strange. I barely even felt it when it happened, but that’s going to scar.” Chopper sniffed and frowned deeply.
“Not if I can help it, it won’t,” he insisted in a tight voice. Sanji felt a rush of warmth and gratitude before that numbness swept back in.
Nami and Luffy carefully opened the door, walking in with sombre looks on their faces that told Sanji everything he needed to know about what they’d been talking about before following them to the infirmary. Nami allowed the door to fall closed behind her as she slowly approached and sat on Sanji’s other side. Sanji sighed, thought about trying for another smile and decided it was too much effort.
“Just a small accident, Nami-san,” he insisted again quietly, not looking at her. “Nothing to worry about.”
“Your hand…”
“Chopper already took care of it.”
“But-”
“Nami-san,” he tried to keep his voice steady, and not to allow any of his building frustration to bleed through into his words. “I promise, it’s fine. It was an accident - I’m tired. I got distracted, that's all. I’m going to go finish the food-”
“No, you’re not,” Luffy said, voice low and face almost as empty as Sanji felt his must be. He was still staring at Sanji’s hand, despite the wound now being cleaned and covered. Sanji frowned at him as he turned his words over in his mind.
“Luffy, I’m cooking you a meal-”
“I don’t want you going back in the kitchen until you feel better,” he tore his gaze from Sanji’s hand and met his eyes. “I mean it.” Sanji felt something rising in his chest that he didn’t like - something far too akin to the terror he’d felt at Whole Cake Island. He grit his teeth.
“Luffy,” his voice was shaking. “You won’t keep me from the kitchen. Not now.” Nami laid a hand on his shoulder, and he hated the hesitation he felt in that small gesture. He refused to look at her. “You can’t . Luffy-”
“I will,” Luffy raised his chin defiantly, still staring at him with that blank expression - though Sanji could see that fire behind his eyes that promised him a tough fight. The tightness in his chest worsened - he was so sick of fighting his captain.
“Luffy, I need it.” Something must have gotten through to him - Sanji’s voice, or maybe the way he’d started sweating, the way his chest had started heaving, the way his eyes were starting to fill with panicked tears. Something had changed, because Luffy’s expression suddenly morphed from one of numb fury to one of regretful despair. Sanji forced himself to maintain eye contact as he continued. “I need it, Luffy.”
They stared at each other for another few tense moments, Nami’s hand squeezing tighter and tighter on Sanji’s shoulder, before Luffy sighed and hung his head. Sanji blinked as Luffy ran a tired hand over his face - a gesture he barely recognised on his usually exuberant and confident captain.
“Yeah, I know,” Luffy finally whispered, so quiet that Sanji barely heard it over the thumping of his own heart. “I’m sorry. Just - just don’t hurt yourself, Sanji. Don’t hurt yourself anymore. Please.” Luffy raised his eyes back up to look at him again, and Sanji’s breath caught in his chest at the sight of the tears they now carried.
“I won’t,” he promised, his voice hoarse. Chopper sniffed again next to him, and Nami’s hand was replaced by her cheek as she rested her head against his shoulder. Sanji swallowed thickly. He was so, so tired.
Luffy took a deep, sobering breath, then nodded sharply. “Good,” he huffed, giving himself a quick shake. “Come on then. I am still starving.” He stepped forward and thrust out his hand. Sanji stared at it for a short second before snorting softly and taking it between each of his own. He held it there for a moment, meeting his captain’s eyes and trying his absolute best to pour all of his love and gratitude through their shared gaze. He saw northing but adoration reflected back at him in Luffy's smiling face.
Then he shook his head and said with good-natured exasperation, “You’re not starving, Luffy. Stop being so damn dramatic.”
The fear that followed him from Whole Cake Island was sure to stick with him for a long time yet - but at that moment, surrounded by the laughter and love of his crew, he felt safer than he ever had.