Chapter Text
As dusk fell, Sae Niijima was still slaving away at the SIU building. In her office she typed profusely on her laptop, trying to catch up with the Phantom Thieves investigation which she was assigned to. With every prior case and court hearings she had to attend, Sae felt she was falling behind on this case. She mustn’t lose this case, she thought to herself. If she does, she’s certain the director will fire her. And then what’ll happen to her, to Makoto if she loses her job?
Everything she’s done, all of her accomplishments, have been for her.
Sae tries to shake those thoughts away before they consume her. Dwelling on the past wouldn’t be good for herself, or Makoto.
The phones in the adjacent offices were ringing off the hook, as Sae could hear due to the thin walls of the SIU building. For every dead end she encountered in the investigation, there was yet another ringing of those damn phones. Sae rubs her temples in frustration, realizing she was getting nowhere being in this building. Her stomach growls in hunger, and it dawns on Sae that she hasn’t eaten since 10am. At this rate, she might as well pick up some takeout and try to get some work done at home, to see if a change of scenery will help her case progress.
She gets up from her desk, closes her laptop and unplugs its charger. Placing both her laptop, charger, as well as various organized files into her work briefcase, Sae grabs her coat, buttons it, and puts on her winter gloves. She slings her bag over her right shoulder and grabs her phone, opening her office door. Reaching into her pocket for her keys, she shuts off the lights and locks her office door from the outside before walking through it. Too overencumbered to shut her office door with her hands, Sae uses her foot to shut it. As the door clicks, Sae walks down the office hallway to the elevators with a satisfied grin on her face.
At the elevators she runs into a familiar but stress inducing face. Goro Akechi.
“Ah, Sae-san,” Akechi says with a smug smile while Sae presses the downwards elevator button. “Leaving so early? How unusual for you…”
Sae held back the irritated frown that was forming on her face, smiling instead.
“Akechi-kun,” Sae greets. “I’m only leaving the building,” she says cooly. “I still have to type up reports.”
“Going home to your sister?” Akechi assumes. “I understand. You’re her guardian. Though I’m sure you of all people don’t let that affect your work effort.”
Internally, Sae rages. Who does Akechi think he is talking to her like that? Her guardianship of Makoto came with a lot of deep rooted feelings, many of which Akechi didn’t know of. Feelings no one knew of. No one alive, that is. But alas, none of this even mattered as Sae’s guardianship of Makoto had nothing to do with her career. She made sure of it.
“I’m actually going to get something to eat,” Sae deflects, although she is telling the truth.
Akechi’s eyes perk up. “Oh?” he questions. “In that case, could we get some sushi? I don’t have any yen on me, but I’ll be sure to pay you back, Sae-san.”
Sometimes, Sae feels like she actually has guardianship of the teenage detective and not Makoto. This is one of those times.
“I’m getting takeout and bringing it to an internet cafe to finish these reports,” Sae says, crossing her arms.
“Of course,” Akechi says, turning to walk away. “Take care of yourself, Sae-san.”
*DING*
The elevator doors open and Sae walks through them. She presses the button for the parking garage and quickly hits the close door button so she doesn’t run into any more colleagues.
Her car is parked on the lowest level of the parking garage, in a spot reserved for a public prosecutor of the Special Investigations Unit. As she walks to her car and unlocks the front door, Sae muses over the idea of showing up to work with her motorcycle. She put it in a storage locker to keep a professional appearance, which is a stark contrast compared to her younger self, who learned how to ride a motorcycle without a license at fifteen among other rebellious activities. Sae tries to block out that time in her life, which she attributes as an emotional response to finding out about her mother’s cancer diagnosis. Ultimately, she ends up thinking back to that time in her life regardless of how hard she tries not to.
She’s halfway to her destination when she decides to scrap her plans of getting takeout, instead choosing to dine at a somewhat expensive sushi restaurant while working at her laptop simultaneously, a place she knows Akechi could never afford. Sae knows she shouldn’t treat herself like this, with money being so important for her and Makoto to thrive, but she knows she’s so close to solving this case and a promotion is in the future rather than her being let go from her job. So, Sae considers this to be a premature celebration.
Sae is sitting at the sushi bar, laptop out and sipping at a martini as she waits for her order to arrive. The change of scenery actually is working, Sae realizes as she notices certain details or inconsistencies she didn’t pick up on before. She almost gets to the point where she feels she’s making significant progress when her sushi arrives.
Her plate of sushi is placed in front of her at the bar, so Sae gets up to put her laptop back in her briefcase. While doing this, her wallet accidentally falls onto the floor, several pictures kept in it falling out.
Sae bends down to pick them up, falling into a trance as she gazes at the three wallet sized pictures in her hands. The first is of Sae, fifteen years old, in a hospital bed. She’s holding a small bundle in her arms and is looking at a baby rather bittersweetly. A baby , Sae scolds her thoughts. More like my daughter.
The second is of that baby as an eight month old infant, smiling in her crib with toy rings in her hands.
In the third picture, the baby is older, about two years old. She’s at the park, wearing red corduroy overalls and a cotton white long sleeved shirt, smiling while holding up an orange leaf. She wears her brown hair in tiny pigtails, her crimson eyes shining like rubies in the sunlight.
Sae flips over to the back of the third picture, remembering there is writing on it.
The picture reads: Makoto Niijima, 2.5 yrs.
Sae puts the photos back in her wallet, sits back down at the bar and grimaces over those memories. Makoto being raised as her sister was supposed to be a compromise, according to her parents, but it never felt fair to Sae. To Sae, she was given an ultimatum.
No daughter of mine will be a teenage mother , her father had shouted at her. Either give the child away or let us raise them. They’ll know you as their sister and nothing more.
Sae had screamed back at him.
It’s my baby! Sae had yelled at her parents. I choose neither.
Her father chastised her for making her mother sicker due to her burdens. The reason why Sae even got pregnant in the first place was her spiraling out of control, not handling her emotions regarding her mother’s cancer diagnosis well. She would be out late drinking, taking cars and motorcycles for joyrides without a license, partying and sleeping with boys from her hometown, trying to numb the pain and the fear of her mother potentially dying and Sae never seeing her again.
Sae’s dad informed her that she and the baby would be living on the streets if she chose neither.
Think about it , her father said. Your mother and I will raise them, you’ll still get to be a part of their life, just not as their mother. Think of it as a compromise.
Compromise . Sae contemplates her father’s words while flooding her thoughts with that memory. More like her only choice. She couldn’t give her own flesh and blood away, nor could she live on the streets to her baby’s detriment.
Of course, for this so-called compromise to work, the Niijima family had to pack everything and move to the city. In Tokyo, no one would ever know that Sae had gotten pregnant at fifteen.
Sae thinks back to the first photo, of Sae looking solemn while holding her baby in the hospital. Her daughter was only a few hours old and Sae, being in denial, thought telling her newborn over and over again that she was her mother would make her child remember it in the future.
When her father died, Sae fought tooth and nail to be Makoto’s guardian. Since she was her only living family member, the motion was approved. Sae had originally laughed out loud at the irony of the situation. Finally she had the chance to raise her daughter, but not as her daughter. There wasn’t much raising going on, due to Makoto being a teenager and the fact that she wasn’t allowed to be her mother. Technically, Sae could drop the bomb whenever she liked, but that knowledge would only hurt her if she found out her whole life had been a lie. To keep that from coming out, she would take out her frustrations on Makoto in other ways. Call her names such as useless or imply that she’s a leech. She shouldn’t have said that, but Sae wouldn’t risk the truth coming out in an argument. Instead of hurting her feelings, Sae fears the truth would shatter Makoto’s innocent soul.
Sae’s mind is constantly contradicting herself and it drives her insane. She loves her daughter with all of her heart, but she can’t help but resent her for idolizing their ‘father’. She idolizes Sae’s father, who Sae resents for denying her of her right to be Makoto’s mother. So she’s working herself to death with a boss who’s often dangling the carrot of a promotion in front of her, something Sae strives for as the only satisfaction she’s gonna receive in her life. She’s only 33 and she feels everything else in her life is closed off. She’ll never get a second chance to be Makoto’s mother, to gain back her sense of justice, ride her motorcycle, or find a chance at love. Her career is all she has left and if she loses that, she would be worth nothing. That’s just how life, how society functions. True justice is nonexistent, a child’s dream.
It’s happened again , Sae realizes. She became lost in her thoughts, tears forming in her eyes. She blinks her tears away, trying not to be seen having any sign of weakness. Sae nibbles at her sushi finally and takes a few more sips of her martini before giving up on her meal. Her mood has turned sour, not the overworked and irritated kind of sour, but the despair and existential dread of her overall life kind of sour, and she is no longer hungry. Sae asks the bartender for the check and she quickly pays the bill and puts on her coat and gloves. Grabbing her briefcase and phone, Sae leaves the restaurant and quickly speeds away in her car.
She parks in her apartment parking garage, turns her engine off, and stays in her car for a good while, attempting to get a hold of herself. Eventually, she pulls herself together and opens her car door, getting out of it and locking it with the tiny remote button on her keys.
Sae checks her emails on her phone on the elevator ride up to her apartment floor. There’s nothing addressed to her, just department wide emails and carbon copies of emails she’s individually mentioned on. She locks her phone at the sound of the elevator ding, the double doors opening slowly.
Exiting the elevator, Sae walks down the apartment hallway, hoping her neighbors couldn’t hear the clanking sound of her high heels. She reaches her apartment door and unlocks it with her keys.
“Makoto, I’m home,” she announces as she walks into her apartment, shutting the door and turning on the lights, setting her phone aside on her kitchen counter.
Strangely, the apartment looks empty, and at first Sae frowns. What could Makoto possibly be doing out at night when she should be studying? Sae’s always had fears of Makoto having a rebellious phase like she did, resulting in a teenage pregnancy and everything, but that doesn’t make sense. Makoto’s just not like that, not even like Sae when she overcame her rebellion and replaced it with being a studious overachieving teen with ambition. Makoto still clings onto that Buchimaru plush for crying out loud.
Sae breathes a sigh of relief when she hears light snoring coming from Makoto’s room. Normally Makoto’s up late studying, but she’s asleep. She knows she shouldn’t be upset at this, that she should keep that initial feeling of relief, but Sae couldn’t. Sae couldn’t afford to go to bed early, why should Makoto? Makoto should be studying more, Sae thinks to herself. So she doesn’t turn out like me.
She’s sitting outside Makoto’s room, having slid down the closed door with her back. With her knees to her chest and face down, Sae sighs heavily.
Makoto should be studying so she’s not pathetically sitting outside her daughter’s room, wishing she could go in there and kiss her goodnight, but knowing she can’t because that is what a mother does. And Sae is not a mother.